Q&A: How do we stop kids from lying?

Transcription

Hello. Welcome back to our Sproutable Q&A. This week we have a question from a parent about how to talk to our kids about lying. So first off, all kids lie. Don't feel like your kiddo is the only one.

We get the small lies.The medium lies the big lies. I will say often times, it's because we set them up to lie. So we say, “did you wash your hands”? When we know they didn't. We say, “did you pee on the floor”? When we know they did. We say, “did you put your bike away”? When we know they didn't. Because we see it out there. So step one, is just eliminating the potential for them to lie. They will say anything to maintain our relationship with them. They are very short term right. They're not thinking about long term. So, they'll do whatever they can in that moment to avoid any sort of the negative repercussion. With experience they get better of course.

But in that moment, if we know that they peed on the floor then just move right to it. Say, “Oh, it looks like we had an accident, let’s clean it up together.” “When we are finished using the bathroom we always wash your hands.” And then you guide them back in. You can say, “I see your bike is still out there. Where does your bike go?” So just stop the setup.

Sometimes lying comes in the form of Tall Tales. We know our older toddlers and preschoolers can be very imaginative and they will tell these very elaborate stories we're not quite sure if it really happened or not especially when we're not with them. If it happened in preschool or if it happened at the park with the babysitter. So just allowing them to tell their whole story asking curiosity questions. Maybe trying to nail them down a little bit for some concrete things. Saying okay, so there were five birds? It’s more about continuing just to drop into curiosity and allowing them just to have that full expression. At this age, the reality versus the imagination is still real blurry. They can cross those lines back-and-forth very easily, which is pretty cool. So just allowing them, indulging them, dropping into curiosity questions, and just approaching it more as a big story. Even thinking about it as a really awesome way for them to build their communication tools and their vocabulary. Just allow them to tell the story. Let them play it out.

We get concerned about lying because we worry about the longer consequences of building trust and honesty. Instead of using those moments where we're we think that they're lying or they're in these tall tales, instead we want to use really concrete examples of when they are trustworthy. When they do tell the truth and when they're honest. They can link that exact moment to their positive feeling and have a real concrete example of it. So to say, “thank you so much for taking responsibility for breaking that toy. I really appreciate you letting me know about that. Let's go fix it together.” or “thank you so much for returning my stapler when you said you were. I really appreciate your honesty and your responsibility. Now I can trust that the next time you borrow something you're going to return it. Thanks a lot.” Really milking those positive experiences with trust, with honesty, with relationship, and with that type of communication.

Thank you so much for sending us your questions. Remember all kids lie. You're not alone. You're not raising some future conman. Just focus on the positive times to build that trust and that honesty. In the meantime, think about the ways that you are setting them up to be honest themselves. Thanks so much and we'll see you next time.

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