ShareKids Don’t Need “One Story” About the Divorce – They Need Emotional Safety
There’s this idea that comes up a lot when parents separate:
“We need to be on the same page about everything so the kids don’t get confused.”
On the surface, it sounds logical, even responsible. If both parents tell one clean, unified story about why the family is changing, the kids will feel secure, right?
Here’s the problem: life isn’t clean, and divorce definitely isn’t.
Forcing one “approved” story often backfires. It sends the message there’s only one “right” way to see what happened, which leaves kids wondering if their own feelings or questions are wrong. It teaches them to edit themselves or stay quiet so they don’t upset either parent.
When Your Words Don’t Match Your Truth
There’s another layer to this: what happens when you don’t actually align with the “approved story” you’ve agreed to tell?
Maybe you signed off on it because it felt easier, or because you wanted to avoid conflict with your co-parent. When you say something you don’t fully believe, kids can feel it.
Children are deeply attuned to authenticity. They pick up on tone, body language, and energy more than the words themselves. If what you’re saying doesn’t match what you really feel, it can create a subtle (or not-so-subtle) gap in trust.
This isn’t about being brutally honest or oversharing adult details. Instead of parroting something that doesn’t feel true, focus on what is true for you and still safe for them to hear. For example:
- Instead of saying, “We both decided this was best,” (if it wasn’t actually mutual), you could say, “This is a hard change, and it’s okay to feel sad or mad about it. We’re figuring it out together.”
- Instead of avoiding the topic altogether, you might say, “This is different than what any of us expected, but I’m here to support you as we all adjust.”
When kids sense honesty, even in its simplest form, it builds trust. They don’t need you to have the perfect explanation—they need to know you’re a safe person to come to, even when the truth is complicated.
What Emotional Safety Looks Like
1. Kids can share their feelings without fear.
Maybe your child loves having two bedrooms. Maybe they hate packing a bag every week. Maybe they feel closer to one parent right now. Emotional safety means they can talk about all of it without worrying about upsetting someone.
2. Kids can have their own version of events.
They don’t have to adopt your perspective, or the other parent’s. They get to make sense of things in their own way, and it might look different than how you see it. That’s okay.
3. Kids can love both parents fully.
Even if one parent was hurtful to the other, kids still benefit from permission to love both. A simple message like, “You don’t have to choose. You get to love both of us, no matter what” can take an incredible weight off their shoulders.
Your Role as a Parent
Your job isn’t to control how your child sees the divorce. The goal here is to give them space to feel safe enough to be honest. That means:
- Answering questions age-appropriately, without oversharing or bad-mouthing.
- Saying things like, “It’s okay to feel sad about this,” instead of rushing to make it better.
- Resisting the urge to defend yourself every time your child repeats something they heard from the other parent.
It’s less about controlling the narrative and more about creating a truly safe place for your child to process what’s happening.
Why Emotional Safety Matters More Than the “Story”
Research shows it’s not divorce itself that hurts kids most. Conflict, instability, and feeling pressured to choose sides is the most detrimental to them.
When kids feel safe emotionally, they develop resilience. They learn:
- It’s okay to have different experiences with different people.
- It’s safe to share their emotions.
- They are loved and secure, even when their family looks different now.
You Don’t Have to Do It Perfectly
This doesn’t mean you’ll never feel defensive or wish you could control how your child sees things. It means you keep circling back to connection:
“I’m here. I love you. You get to feel however you feel about this.”
Your kids don’t need one version of the story. They need to know they’re safe being themselves, even when the family structure has changed.
Transformative Co-Parenting Coaching for the Journey Ahead
Divorce or separation is rarely easy — especially when kids are involved. As you navigate uncertainty, grief, and shifting roles, having a guide can make all the difference.
That’s where co-parenting coaching steps in.
Why this matters
- You’ll be supported in staying rooted in your values, even when emotions run high.
- You’ll gain tools to make informed decisions — not from panic, but from clarity.
- You’ll be held through the ebb and flow of life beyond the breakup — with compassion, boundaries, and forward momentum.
- You’ll begin to build healthy, peaceful relationships—with your children, your former partner, and yourself.
Let’s get started
If you’re ready to move through this chapter with more confidence, clarity, and heart, I’d love to walk alongside you. Learn about co-parenting coaching here.
Sign up for your FREE 30 min consultation here.
Nika Chadwick is a certified High-Conflict Divorce Coach with specialized training in co-parenting support, and stepfamily dynamics. As a trauma-informed coach, she understands the complexities of high-conflict relationships and works to help parents protect their peace while fostering their children’s emotional well-being. Drawing on her certifications, personal experience, and a toolkit of practical, proven strategies, Nika empowers clients to break free from destructive conflict cycles, set healthy boundaries, and create a stable, supportive environment for their families. Her approach is grounded in empathy, evidence-based methods, and a deep commitment to helping families thrive despite challenges.
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