ShareWhy Natural Consequences Work: A Nanny’s Guide to Positive Discipline That Builds Resilient Kids
As a nanny, Natural Consequences is one of my favorite ways to respond to children. In “Positive Discipline Parenting Tools,” Dr. Jane Nelsen explains that, “A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. When you stand in the rain, you get wet.” Why do we want children to face natural consequences, even when they’re unpleasant? Because that is how children learn and develop their resiliency. Having to wear wet socks all day at school is a way more effective lesson than me nagging at a child over and over again to wear their rain boots. As nannies, we don’t want to rescue our charges from the consequences, and we don’t need to add any blame, shame, or pain.
We want to be empathetic, comforting, and validate their feelings.
These are the lessons that stick with you because they’re real. I remember the first time I forgot my homework in elementary school and the first time I slept through a class in college: two uncomfortable situations with natural, though admittedly light, consequences, but I was certainly motivated to remember my homework and check that my alarm was set moving forward. It can be hard to watch our nanny charges face unpleasant consequences, but when we swoop in to rescue them, we’re stopping them from learning and gaining resiliency. For me, it’s all about bringing that genuine empathy and kindness when they’re going through it. Nobody likes hearing, “I told you so!” When my friends are struggling, I would never think that I should lecture them about it to make sure they really learn their lesson, so why would I talk to a child like that? It’s just getting out of the way and letting kids have their own experiences and feelings. We don’t have to come up with punishments, consequences, or lectures; we just have to stay kind & solution-focused while they’re learning their own lesson. We can do that!
I’ve seen my nanny charges face all kinds of natural consequences in my career, some low-stakes and some higher-stakes, but they were all learning opportunities. I don’t feel bad when my elementary-school-aged nanny kid goes down the wet slide and then has wet pants for the rest of the park trip. That’s a natural consequence, and they’re certainly old enough to know what was coming. When they forget their library books after my first reminder, and they don’t get to check-out new books that week, that’s a natural consequence. I can empathetically tell them that that is a total bummer while staying firm that it’s not my job to take care of their library books. If you don’t put your clothes in the hamper, they don’t get washed. When you ignore a friend during a playdate, that friend leaves early. If you don’t put the lids on your markers, they dry out.
Natural consequences are happening all around us, all the time.
Of course there are times when natural consequences aren’t practical, but they’re few: when a child is really in danger or is hurting someone/something else or when a child’s health will be affected (ie: we have to brush teeth; we won’t sit back and wait for the natural consequence of a dozen cavities to arrive). Otherwise, as long as your nanny charges know and understand the expectations, then step back, embrace natural consequences, and be ready with a kind, comforting word for your nanny charge when those learning opportunities arrive.
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