SharePositive Discipline for Teenagers: Chapters 7-9
Welcome back to our Positive Discipline for Teenagers series! If you’ve been following along, you know we’re working through the book Positive Discipline for Teenagers by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott, alongside the Joyful Courage podcast. This week we’re digging into Chapters 7, 8, and 9 — all about family meetings, special time, and the fine line between empowering and enabling.
Spoiler alert: these chapters are so practical. Like, “start-this-tonight” practical. Let’s dive in.
Chapter 7: Do Family Meetings Work with Teenagers?
Short answer? Yes. Even when they roll their eyes. Even when they’re slouched in a chair, arms crossed, clearly over it. Family meetings are one of the most powerful tools in the Positive Discipline toolbox — not because they fix everything overnight, but because they build connection, trust, and collaboration over time. And yes, even with teens.
The research backs it up: regular family meetings increase emotional wellbeing, reduce conflict, and improve cooperation. They teach kids (and adults, honestly) essential life skills like active listening, respectful disagreement, and shared problem-solving.
The book emphasizes that this chapter builds on everything we’ve covered so far — kindness and firmness, motivation, communication, and connection. And it makes sense – family meetings are where it all comes together in real-time.
So, how do we actually make them work? Here are the three must-haves for successful family meetings:
- Start with compliments and appreciation. This sets a positive tone and gives everyone a dopamine boost. (Seriously — brain science backs this up.) It builds connection and trust before problem-solving begins.
- Stay solution-focused. Don’t spiral into blame or lectures. The goal is not to dwell on what went wrong, but to figure out what can be done next time. That’s how we raise resilient, thoughtful kids.
- Make it their meeting too. If it feels like a weekly scolding session, teens will check out fast. Invite their voices in. Let them bring topics to the table. Do more listening than talking. Be curious. Be flexible.
The book offers structure and sample scripts, but you don’t have to follow a rigid template. Make it yours. It might be messy, awkward, or even hilarious at times — and that’s okay. The point is practice.
Pro tip? If things are really tense, just start with a quick compliment circle. Skip the agenda and build trust. That alone is powerful.
Chapter 8: How Can You Spend Special Time with Your Teen?
Special time isn’t just for toddlers. Our teens need one-on-one connection just as much — maybe even more — as they navigate the rollercoaster of adolescence.
This chapter kicks off with a powerful story: a dad whose relationship with his teen son was strained (hello, power struggles over drugs and alcohol) decides to stop focusing on behavior and start focusing on relationship. He begins taking his son to lunch once a week. No lectures, no agenda, just time together. At first the son is suspicious, but slowly the wall comes down — and they reconnect. It’s such a good reminder: connection is the backdoor to influence.
We’re not saying behavior doesn’t matter. But when we lead with fear and control, we lose our kids. When we lead with relationship, we create space for real conversations — the kind that actually change behavior in the long run.
Tips from the book for making the most of special time:
- Keep your mouth shut more than you think you should.
- Laugh together. Humor is magic.
- Be curious, not controlling.
- Let them be the expert. Learn about their world.
- Share parts of yourself, too — not just your opinions.
It doesn’t have to be elaborate. A drive to get boba, folding laundry together, a walk around the block. It’s about presence, not perfection.
Chapter 9: Are You Enabling or Empowering Your Teen?
Oof. This one might hit close to home. There’s a fine line between supporting our kids and unintentionally holding them back. And the difference between empowering and enabling lies in whether our help fosters independence or dependency.
Enabling looks like:
- Waking them up in the morning (every day)
- Doing their laundry
- Delivering forgotten homework
- Typing their papers (or…doing the whole project)
- Giving extra money when they blow through their allowance
- Making excuses to teachers
- Letting chores slide so they can “focus”
Even if it’s well-intentioned, enabling sends the message: I don’t trust you to figure this out. Over time, that undermines confidence and responsibility.
Empowering looks like:
- Offering emotional support without rescuing
- Teaching life skills (like laundry, budgeting, communication)
- Problem-solving with them, not for them
- Letting go… without abandoning
- Sharing what you think/feel/want without moralizing
This chapter includes one of our favorite exercises: imagine you’re a teen and your parent says XYZ — what do you feel in response? It’s eye-opening. A big chunk of influence comes from how we make our kids feel.
One of the most relatable sections from Chapter 9?
A breakdown of how to handle parties — not from a fear-based “you’re not going” stance, but from an empowerment perspective. The book suggests things like:
- Creating safety plans and “code phrases” to get out of uncomfortable situations
- Role-playing tricky scenarios ahead of time
- Hosting parties at your own house (and actually supervising)
- Making it clear you’ll always pick them up, no questions asked
It’s not about pretending risky behavior won’t happen. It’s about keeping the lines of communication wide open so they’ll come to us when it does. This chapter also touches on other hot-button topics: driving, curfews, money, dating, sex, and more — always with an eye toward building trust, not control. “You can decide whether to have influence or control… Trust gives your teen room to make mistakes and learn from them.” — Jane Nelsen & Lynn Lott
Final Thoughts
These chapters are all about practice. Practicing how we show up in hard moments. Practicing how we let go. Practicing how we lead with connection instead of control.
Family meetings, special time, and empowering our teens are all tools that help us move from managing behavior to growing people. And they work — not because they’re perfect, but because they’re rooted in respect and relationship.
Want more? Check out Joyful Courage episode 534 (on creating special time with resistant teens) and Joyful Courage episode 313 (on family meetings) for deeper dives.
Join us next for Chapters 10 and 11, where we’ll dig into teaching life skills and navigating screen-time. And as always — if you’re reading along and feeling inspired but unsure how to apply all this in your own home, let’s connect. You can schedule a free 15-minute explore call at besproutable.com/explore.
If you haven’t picked up a copy of Positive Discipline for Teenagers yet, now’s the time! You can find it at Positive Discipline, Amazon, or your local bookstore — or grab it from your library.
From Joyful Courage Episode 568: Positive Discipline for Teens Part 3 – Centering Encouragement
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