ShareSecret Browsers and Navigating Screens with Tweens & Teens
This week, a post in the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group really hit home for me. A mom was grappling with her 12-year-old son, who managed to bypass his school’s tech filters by using a “fake algebra website” to access blocked sites like TikTok and Fortnite. As you can imagine, she was concerned and felt powerless. This situation is all too familiar for many of us: technology and screens are so deeply embedded in our kids’ lives, and it can often feel like we’re constantly playing catch-up.
I completely get it. As parents, it’s hard not to feel like we need to stay one step ahead. Technology is evolving at such a rapid pace, and kids seem to know more about it than we do sometimes. That feeling of “they’re outsmarting me” can be really frustrating. But here’s the thing: it’s not about trying to control everything—they will push back, and that’s part of growing up. They’re testing limits, experimenting, and trying to figure out boundaries. It’s a normal part of their development.
In these situations, it’s easy to react with frustration, anger, or even panic. I know I’ve done it—jumping into confrontations before I’ve had a chance to pause and think it through. But over time, I’ve learned that this type of reaction doesn’t help anyone. It only fuels defensiveness and damages the trust we’ve worked so hard to build. Instead, I’ve learned that taking a deep breath, calming myself down, and asking myself what I really want from the conversation—whether it’s connection, understanding, or problem-solving—helps me approach it with the right mindset.
When we’re ready to talk, I’ve found that the most productive conversations come from curiosity and calm. Instead of going straight to blaming or accusing, I try to approach it with an open mind. For example, I might say, “I noticed you were using this site. It seems interesting! Can you tell me more about it?” By doing this, I’m creating an opportunity for them to explain themselves without immediately putting them on the defensive.
I also make sure to really listen to their response—not just hear them, but understand how they feel and what their intentions were.
This helps me gauge whether they’re simply testing boundaries or if something more serious is going on. I also think it’s important, for us as parents, to own our part in this. For example, I might say something like, “I realize we didn’t set up clear boundaries or expectations around screen time, and I can see now how that’s led to confusion. But this situation has reminded me that it’s something we need to address together.”
When I share my own responsibility, it shifts the dynamic from “me vs. them” to “we are a team figuring this out together.” It helps remove the “blame game” and opens the door for more honest communication.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through this process is the importance of creating agreements together. Technology rules should not just come from us as parents—they need to be co-created with our kids. If I’m firm about limiting certain apps or devices until they’re older, I also need to be understanding and compassionate about how hard that might be for them. There’s no denying it: the pull of technology is incredibly strong. They’re not just using it for entertainment, but also for social connection. When I set boundaries, I try to acknowledge how tough it is for them and empathize with their frustrations. There will be pushback, no doubt, but that’s part of the process.
It’s also critical to be prepared for mistakes—because they will happen. Our kids will slip up. They’ll send an inappropriate text, access content they shouldn’t, or break some rule we’ve put in place. It’s important to remember that mistakes are opportunities to learn, not opportunities for punishment. I want to create an environment where my kids feel comfortable coming to me when they make a mistake, knowing they won’t be shamed or punished but instead can talk about what happened and learn from it.
This kind of open dialogue fosters trust, and trust is key in helping them navigate the world of technology responsibly.
But as much as this is about helping our kids, it’s also about checking in with ourselves. Let’s be real—technology can be a huge distraction for us too. I know I’ve caught myself mindlessly scrolling through my phone late at night and then feeling guilty about it. But rather than shaming myself, I’ve learned to just acknowledge it and talk about it. This is something we all struggle with, and it’s okay to admit it. I’ve found that normalizing this conversation with my kids—talking about our shared struggles with screen time—helps us bond over a common issue. It’s not about me being perfect, but about showing them that we all need to manage our relationship with technology.
Ultimately, screens are a privilege, not a right. And with that privilege comes responsibility—for both our kids and ourselves. We have to model healthy relationships with technology, practice self-regulation, and engage in ongoing conversations about the impact of screens on our lives. It’s not just about setting rules; it’s about fostering a mindset where they can use technology responsibly and thoughtfully.
I’ll be honest: I know it’s not easy. Screens are everywhere, and the temptation to give in is strong. But as long as we stay grounded, patient, and compassionate, we can help our kids navigate this complex digital world. Technology is here to stay, and so are the challenges it brings. But with trust, open communication, and the willingness to learn from mistakes, I truly believe our kids can find their way through it.
So, if you’re struggling with screens and technology, you’re not alone. You’ve got this! Stay grounded, trust your kids, and keep showing up. They’ll make mistakes, but they’ll also learn from them—and so will you. I’m here for you! Reach out for support.
From Joyful Courage Episode 454: Secret browsers hiding tiktok, middle school screen challenges
Check out our Teens & Screens Workshop Casey hosts every spring. Just missed it? Get on the newsletter below so you can stay up-to-date with Sproutable’s latest offerings.
Looking for parent coaching? Casey offers private coaching services. See more info here.
Comments