Eps 634: Revisiting Holiday Presence and Connection with Dr. Shefali and Julietta Skoog

Resources

Dr. Shefali’s Website

The Story of Julietta’s Cookie Party

Casey’s Work at Sproutable

Julietta’s Work at Sproutable

Books:

• “The Conscious Parent” by Dr. Shefali Tsabary
• “The Awakened Family” by Dr. Shefali Tsabary
• “Joyful Courage: Calming the Drama and Taking Control of YOUR Parenting Journey” by Casey O’Roarty

Practices & Frameworks:

• Box Breathing technique (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4)
• E + R = O formula (Events + Response = Outcome)
• The Three Ps: Play, Practice, and Pre-teach
• Embodiment practice for generating desired qualities
• Family meetings for holiday planning
• Positive Discipline methodology

Programs & Communities:

• Living Joyful Courage membership program (Casey O’Roarty)
• Sproutable coaching and workshops (Casey O’Roarty & Julietta Skoog)
• Annual in-person retreat at Asilomar Conference Center (Casey & Julietta)
• Joyful Courage Podcast

Quote Referenced:

• Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents. This season of parenting is no joke, and while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show. Hey there, joyful courage, community. It's me, Casey, and I'm so glad that you are tuning in today. You know, we are in that space again, that beautiful, chaotic, sometimes overwhelming stretch between now and the new year. And I wanted. To bring you something that I think is gonna land differently for you this time around last year, I had the incredible privilege of hosting a webinar with my business partner, Julietta scog, and the amazing Dr.
[00:01:51] Shefali. We called it the best gift presence and connection this holiday season. And honestly, the wisdom that came through in that hour was so powerful, so grounding, and so needed that I knew I had to share it again with you. Here's what I want you to know before we dive in. If you're feeling the weight of expectation right now, if your to-do list feels impossibly long, if you're worried about family dynamics or disappointed kids, or just getting through the next few weeks without losing your mind.
[00:02:24] You're not alone, and this conversation, it's gonna meet you exactly where you are. So let me tell you a little bit about what you're gonna experience. This episode is structured around three essential focuses, three pathways to actually enjoying the season instead of just surviving it. First, I take you through presence and connection with yourself because here's the truth, we often forget, we cannot pour from an empty cup and we cannot create magic for our families when we're running on fumes and resentment.
[00:02:57] I'm gonna guide you through some really practical, embodiment work. Yep. We're gonna do some breathing exercises together, and I invite you to really participate because when the body leads, the mind follows, we're gonna explore what happens in our bodies when things go sideways and. More importantly, how to come back to ourselves and generate the exact quality we wanna create during this season.
[00:03:23] Then Julietta comes in with her signature blend of practical wisdom and realness around presence and connection with our kids. She is in the trenches with her three kids, ranging from ages, well now eight to 16, and she brings such good stuff about executive functioning, the three Ps, which are play, practice, and pre-teach, and how to actually involve your kids in the season rather than doing everything for them while they just exist.
[00:03:54] She talks about traditions in a way that feels liberating rather than obligating, and she reminds us. Of something that Maya Angelou said that hits different during the holidays. Our kids won't remember what we said or did, but they remember how we made them feel. And then Dr. Shefali, Dr. Shefali, comes in and absolutely disrupts everything in the best possible way.
[00:04:20] She offers this perspective that's honestly radical and freeing, reminding us that the holiday season is actually a cultural construct that we've all subscribed to, not some ordained event that we're bound to. She gives us permission to opt out, to play, to remember that we are the holiday, we are the magic, we are the gift, not the perfectly wrapped presence or the elaborate traditions.
[00:04:46] Or the picture perfect Instagram moments. I'm sharing this with you again because I need to, every year, I need the reminder that I get to choose that my presence matters more than my presence. That the quality I bring to each moment is more important than checking off every item on my list. Here's what I love about this conversation.
[00:05:07] It speaks to all of us, no matter where we are on our parenting journey, whether you have toddlers who still believe in magic, teens who are rolling their eyes at everything. Young adults who are figuring out their own holiday traditions, or you're navigating the season as grandparents. The wisdom here is universal because it's about coming home to ourselves first and then showing up authentically with the people that we love.
[00:05:33] So here's my invitation to you. As you listen, grab a cup of something warm, find a comfortable spot, and really be with us in this. Don't just have it playing in the background while you're doing 17 other things. The practices we share, the box breathing, the embodiment work, the reframes. They only work if you actually do them.
[00:05:52] And I promise you, taking this hour to ground yourself will save you so much time and energy and heartache. For the weeks ahead, you're gonna hear us talk about things like how to shift from reactive to responsive when things inevitably go sideways. How to involve your kids in meaningful ways that build life skills instead of just more tasks for you.
[00:06:14] How to release the cultural expectations that are making you miserable. How to reclaim your power. And remember that you actually get to design what this season looks like for your family. And listen, if you're someone who's navigating grief this season, or you're feeling overwhelmed by family dynamics, or you're just tired of performing joy when you don't feel it.
[00:06:37] There's something here for you too, because underneath all the practical strategies and the mindset shifts, what we're really talking about is permission. Permission to be human, permission to do it differently, permission to prioritize your wellbeing and your family's actual needs over what society tells us we should be doing.
[00:06:57] So take a breath with me right now. Just one intentional breath. Feel your feet on the floor, soften your shoulders, and remember you're enough. Your presence is enough. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to do it all. You just have to show up as yourself. With intention and love and maybe a little bit of that joyful courage that we talk about around here.
[00:07:25] Alright, beautiful humans, I'm so grateful that you're here. Get ready for some wisdom, some practices, and hopefully a lot of relief. I'm gonna come back on Thursday with a solo show that's gonna carry on the conversation around the holiday break and how to be with it in a way that feels good. But for now, let's dive into this conversation with Julietta, Dr.
[00:07:46] Shefali and me about presence, connection, and remembering what really matters this holiday season. Here we go.
[00:07:58] Hi everybody. So I think you know where you are, but I'm just gonna remind you that you have shown up for. The best gift, presence and connection this holiday season. We are thrilled to welcome you. My name if you don't know me, is Casey Ody. I'm a positive discipline lead trainer. I'm the adolescent lead Sprout Ball.
[00:08:24] I'm a parent coach and I'm the host of the Joyful Courage Podcast. I have my master's degree in education and have been working with families for the last 20 plus years, speaking to and facilitating parents live and online from all over the world. And I walk my talk imperfectly with my two now young adult kids.
[00:08:45] I am a free bird. I've decided to say I'm a free bird instead of an empty nester. I'm a free bird and I'm loving it. With me is my business partner, Julietta scog. She's also a positive discipline trainer, early years lead and parent coach at Sable. She has spent extensive time in schools as a school counselor and a school psychologist.
[00:09:06] She is a sought after expert facilitating parents and educators worldwide. Julietta also practices what she preaches with her own three kids. And I know I speak for both Julietta and I when I say that. We're really excited to have our friend, Dr. Shefali, joining us tonight as well. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University.
[00:09:28] She specializes in the integration of western psychology and eastern philosophy, bringing together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development teaching courses around the globe. She's written four books, three of which are New York Times bestsellers, including the conscious parents and the Awaken family.
[00:09:49] I'm sure many of you have enjoyed one or both of those books. We are so happy to be here with you all. I would encourage you to engage in the hour that we have together. It's gonna go by really fast. We really invite you to be in the co-creation of the value by staying in your own growth mindset, asking yourself things like.
[00:10:14] What would this look like in my family or what's here for me to learn? There's a range as far as what I see in the chat of family dynamics, meaning some of you are just at the beginning of your journey with littles. Some of you have older kids like me, and then everybody's in between. I know there's at least two grandparents on the call as well.
[00:10:36] So yeah, so really be with us and be in that co-creation. I'm gonna be guiding you through some focus on presence and connection with ourselves. Julietta is gonna be focusing on presence and connection with our kids, and Dr. Shali will wrap us up with some time centering presence and connection in all of our relationships and just that bigger picture.
[00:10:58] So again, keep your cameras on if you're able to. It's so much more fun for us to see our audience. So yeah, let's start this party. We are gonna do some practices and I'm gonna deliver some information again about bringing presence and connection. With ourselves and into ourselves this holiday season, and to start us off and to really ground us into our time together.
[00:11:22] I know I need it. We're gonna do a little bit of breath work, and before we start with breath work, I am aware that there may be some of you on the call who have some special circumstance or maybe some history with breath work and maybe it doesn't feel comfortable to you. This is optional, so you do what you need to do to ground into this time together.
[00:11:43] Everybody else, we're gonna practice some box breathing. We're gonna connect the nervous system to the way that we're currently experiencing this moment. So box breathing is breathing in. Inhale for four beats. We're gonna hold for four. We're gonna exhale for four. We're gonna hold again for four. All right.
[00:12:04] And while we're doing it, I'm going to invite you to check in on the physical sensations that you're noticing in your body. The current emotions that are alive for you and any thoughts or self-talk that's happening. So let's start with the breathing. So we're gonna inhale 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4. Exhale, 2, 3, 4.
[00:12:34] Hold, 2, 3, 4. And again, we're gonna inhale 2, 3, 4. Hold, 2, 3, 4. Exhale, 2, 3, 4. Hold, 2, 3, 4. And I invite you to continue with the box breathing for a few more rounds. And as you breathe, noticing what are your current physical sensations? Where is there tension? Or tingling or soreness in the body. Just noticing, not judging.
[00:13:18] Now, shifting your attention to current emotions. You name any current emotions that are alive for you. Again, noticing, not judging.
[00:13:30] And finally, if your mind is doing a little wandering, what is the storytelling or the thought or the self-talk that's currently alive for you? We're just noticing
[00:13:43] as you continue to breathe, notice how the paying attention invites a shift into the current experience.
[00:13:55] Noticing what, if anything, has shifted.
[00:14:01] And box breathing is a really simple practice. And reminds me of something that I learned from a mentor of mine who says, when the body leads, the mind follows. Sometimes when we're feeling an overwhelm of experience, emotions or thoughts, and it's hard to change our mind or our emotional experience, we can work on simply calming the body, right?
[00:14:27] To provide an opening for the mind. So when you're ready, opening your eyes if they're closed. Joining me back in the room. Here we are on the eve of the holiday season, it feels like. I know. I feel like there's a lot ahead of us, right? There's a lot ahead of us. And so I'd love to hear from all of you, what are some feelings that are showing up for you right now, knowing that we're just here at the beginning of this holiday season?
[00:14:59] What are some things you can share in the chat? What are some things that are showing up for you? Emotions around being right here, right now, this close to the holiday season. I'm gonna keep my eyes on the chat. What are some things that are coming up for you? Too much to get done. Mixture of anxiety and excitement.
[00:15:20] Not even ready. Jennifer, I'm with you. Remaining calm, enjoying the moment. Finding it hard to do. Yeah. Peace. Liliana. Feels peace. Yeah. That grief around family members who have passed tired of being the cheerleader for the holiday events. Oh yes. It's all the things. It's all the things, right? And there.
[00:15:43] There is a lot to look forward to. Yes. We want to create experiences, right? We want to feel connection. There's a lot of planning and consideration. People are still showing up in the chat around this and. Things can go sideways. Things do go sideways, right? And so again, I'd love Jen, that's perfect segue.
[00:16:06] Jen's comment, navigating disgruntled family members. Yes. So in the chat now, what are some of the things maybe from your holidays past, or things that you might be anticipating, like grumpy family members that make the holidays, that can make the holidays go off track? And I'm just gonna have you drop that in the chat.
[00:16:26] What are some of the things that can show up during the holidays that throw things off or make things feel like they've gotten off track or off the rails, right? Getting sick. Absolutely. Lisa. Expectations not being fulfilled. Lack of gratitude. Burning dinner, right? Toddler or teen? Meltdowns. Yeah. Grief.
[00:16:51] Sophia, thank you. I think about when my kids were younger, when we would go spend time with my family, I'd have to say, okay, you know that I get kinda weird around Nana and Grandpa, so I'm gonna do my best, but I'm gonna be probably a little less patient than I normally am because right, some of us, we're still doing our work, but even just being in proximity to our family of origin can quickly kinda slide us back into some of those patterns that are less useful than we'd like them to be.
[00:17:24] So there's a lot of things that throw us off on the holiday season, and I want you to now think about when you're thrown off, right? When those things come up. 'cause they do, family members come over, sometimes things happen. Toddlers, teenagers are grumpy, right? When that happens, what do you notice about your physical response?
[00:17:47] What are the physical sensations for you in those moments of what's happening right now? What are some of the physical sensations that show up for you? And I'd love for you to drop them again in the, in the chat. So Claus in the head. The headache. Yeah. Headaches can show up. Clenching jaw, Pam. Relatable.
[00:18:04] Yeah. Tight chest, hot face. 10 shoulders, right. Restless legs. Tightness. Thank you Kimberly. Like the ability to be light and to find lightness. Seems to go out the window. Flipping our lids. Working hard. Yes. Lisa, it's this, all this efforting right now. What are the emotions, right? What are some of the emotions that come up for you as things start to go sideways as they do frustration?
[00:18:35] Absolutely. What else? Overwhelm. Disappointment, irritability, I'm not enough. Yes, I should be doing better. My kids should be behaving better. We start judging our own parenting. That would definitely what would happen around my parents. Yeah. So we have all these emotions showing up too, judging ourselves.
[00:18:56] Absolutely. What are some of the thoughts, and Kate, you're launching us into this. Yeah. Why bother? So there's a story, there's a thought. What am I doing this for? Nobody cares. Right? What are some of the other thoughts that come up when things start to go sideways and we're less conscious, you know, paying less attention and kind of in that reactive mode.
[00:19:17] So there's the story around, why am I even doing this? Defensiveness? Yes, Claudia, thank you. Absolutely. Yeah. Some of us just disassociate, right? And that's absolutely taking us out of the present moment. That story of being the victim or the martyr, right? Needing to separate. I talks about going into self blame, vowing to do better next time feeling the stress, right?
[00:19:43] So it's a whole experience when things go sideways and when that happens, our physical sensations, our emotions, and our thoughts can take us right out of the present moment and put us in that state where we're less thoughtful about how we're showing up. And when we're less thoughtful, we're more reactive, right?
[00:20:04] And the reactive state is where we say or do things that we gotta clean up later. We wish we wouldn't have shown up that way. We, and it takes us away from what we actually wanna create during the season. So we should talk about what do we want to create? When you think about the holidays, and I don't mean like the perfect dessert or you know how many presents are under the tree, I want you to think about the qualities.
[00:20:30] When you think about what do you wanna create for this holiday season, what's the quality that you want to exist in your relationships, in the energy of your space, in your celebrations, what are some of the, how do you wanna feel? What are the qualities that you wanna create for your family, for yourself?
[00:20:49] So looking in the chat, thank you. Connection, being in the moment, being relaxed, having fun, having some magic. Yes. And Lisa, I just gotta call you out because when I think about, I wanna create magic for the holidays, I think of parents, of young kids, but Lisa, I know you. You have kids like mine who are. You know, in the young adult years.
[00:21:12] So I appreciate you wanting to create magic. Yes, belonging, laughing, enchantment, loving presence, all the good things, right? Not worrying about the details. So getting clear on what we wanna create gives us something to point our compass towards. It gives us something to anchor into when our toddlers are melting down, or our teens are slamming the door and rolling their eyes.
[00:21:39] When the in-laws are being the in-laws, or our own parents are being who they are, and, and giving us grief when the meal gets burned. Being clear on how we wanna show up is a stepping stone towards the holiday that we wanna create. So we're gonna play with this a little bit, kind of similar to what we did with the box breathing.
[00:21:59] I'm gonna invite you, we're gonna do some embodiment work, so if you're comfortable with it, please close your eyes. Or soften your gaze. Look down. You don't need to look at the screen and come back to that box breathing, or that ever more intentional breath. So maybe lengthen your inhales and exhales a little bit and drop into this moment and invite you to feel your feet on the floor.
[00:22:24] Open your heart space by pulling your shoulders back and down just a little bit. Soften your jaw and the muscles on your face. Maybe even bring a small smile to your mouth. Keep breathing. Now imagine with the next inhale, you are bringing to life that quality that you wanna bring to your holiday. If it's love, imagine a light of love growing in your heart space.
[00:23:00] If it's lightness, laughter, humor. Imagine breathing that into your heart space and that light growing as you breathe into it. If it's magic, imagine that light of magic, that light of belonging, that light of loving presence growing inside your heart center. Breathe into it as you do this, as you see, and imagine that light, that quality growing inside your body.
[00:23:32] Notice what is shifting. Notice what's shifting in the physical sensations and the emotions and the thoughts and what you're experiencing in this moment. When you're ready, opening your eyes, opening your eyes, and I would love to hear from you in the chat. What did you notice by slowing down being intentional.
[00:23:58] About generating the quality that you wanna create in your body. What did you notice about that? What happened for you? Guy says they felt so much lighter. Lisa says, well, I feel light. Ugh, isn't that it? Right? Some openness. Sophia, I really appreciate some openness. Sometimes it's just a slight little bit more, right?
[00:24:22] Think he felt relaxed. Oh, Claudia, I love that. Empowered and more positive, thank you. There's this formula that I've shared with my clients that I work with and the parents in my membership program. It's something that I learned from that same mentor who says, when the body leads, the mind follows, and she calls it e plus R equals o.
[00:24:44] E is the events and experiences. The events and experiences that show up in our life, plus how we respond or react to them influences the outcome. So we don't have control over all the experiences and the things that go sideways or what is challenging. However, the way we respond matters to how things continue to unfold.
[00:25:11] And having a practice like this, like the one we just engaged in, where you're dropping back into remembering what do I wanna create? I'm gonna breathe that in. I'm gonna breathe that light, right? Having one that centers what you wanna create allows you to influence how you are experiencing what is unfolding, right?
[00:25:32] And then, and ultimately you're influencing the experience of others experience. So I hope that you found that useful connection and presence with self.
[00:25:50] And now I'm gonna pitch it over to Julietta. So it's gonna take us from self to our kids and share about presence and connection with our children.
[00:25:59] Julietta Skoog: Thanks Casey. That was just beautiful. What came up for me was just the sense of ease. When I did this practice. I was like, I just want it to feel easy, right?
[00:26:10] I wanna feel ease. I immediately heard the Commodore song sing An Easy like Sunday morning. I'm gonna keep that as my song this season. So thank you for that. So beautiful and to team me up in this way. So I get to launch into the some practical tips and strategies and as Casey mentioned, I have three children.
[00:26:32] So I am in it. I have a 15-year-old, I have a 12-year-old and I have a 7-year-old. So for the last 15 years I have had a, a human who believes in the magic of the holiday season. So I am like just in it, you know, when people were saying, oh, the to-do list, I'm already behind. I mean, that's where I am at.
[00:26:54] Also just Family five working. So I really appreciate this sense of compass that Casey gave us because with that compass, we get to decide, and I think there's this, you know, one of the reasons we wanted to do this early, early in quotes is to say, guess what? We're not on this speeding train that has been already predetermined for us, and we've been given this list of to-dos.
[00:27:21] We actually get to decide that, you know? And so when I think back to things that I loved as a child, what I remember from what was meaningful for me in the seasons, and then I think about what I wanna keep and what I wanna bring forward with my own sweet family, my own kind of crazy circus of a family.
[00:27:39] And so in order to do that, there's some reclaiming. For myself as a parent, right? Where I'm like, the time is short, right? It does go fast. And so I get to decide what this season is gonna look like for myself and for my kiddos. And so with that, reframing what, you know, this is so much or so much to do or all the, oh, and I'm responsible, that reframe, like Casey was saying, actually Vicki, I saw your comment in the chat.
[00:28:09] It's like the reframe of this opportunity for so much that our kids get to explore. There's so much that we get to explore. It's kind of this intensity of the holiday season. Some of, you know, I have a dance background, so sometimes I'm kind of like, it's showtime, right? There's like in this intensity, it's like awesome, right?
[00:28:28] It's kind of the low hanging fruit. Here's a chance that we get to offer all these opportunities to build a ton of life skills for our kids and to model that, right? So. When we're overwhelmed, we get to model how we lean into our coping skills. For me, a big piece of this season is around the executive functioning or some of these life skills, some of these kind of big deal skills that our kids are gonna need when they head off into the land.
[00:28:56] Where Casey gets to be the free bird, right? It's like, you know, these chances where we do get to look at a really packed calendar, all the things that are on it, adjusting the schedules, gift giving, it's just part of it, right? Part of managing the events and all that. The extra contributions or chores that are required.
[00:29:17] Maybe you're hosting, maybe we're traveling, maybe we're going, we host a big cookie party every year. You know, all the, that we host. Even within the holiday season, I end up being the home for my extended family too. And so this piece that shifts from I Julietta mom, have to do this all versus we get to, you know, this really empowering, deep sense that we do this together.
[00:29:45] So this sense of significance, this sense of belonging, this sense of contribution. So whether they are toddlers or they're teens, how are they involved with your holiday cards? How are they involved with planning the party that you're having? How are they involved with choosing what gifts there are for different, how are they involved with wrapping?
[00:30:06] How are they involved with planning the menu and the cooking? What are the responsibilities? Are they involved with getting the home ready? So just really that shift from making it look so perfect and that it has to be the best or the pressure versus. What Casey was saying around the responding, and I like to think of it as dancing, right?
[00:30:26] It's like this is all that's gonna happen. You probably have 15 things of hilarious stories that have happened in the holiday season, right? I've got the time. I had pneumonia, the time I had an eardrum rupture and we had to call 9 1 1 last year when Leona ate so much pie. She was like vomiting in my dad's guest room where he was staying, and my dad was literally like, what is happening?
[00:30:46] The year my, I was with my mom in the er. I mean, there's literally everything, right? The P, the friends that got stuck in the snowstorm and said, suddenly you have three extra families that you were hosting. Like it's those that make the stories, you know? And so when we can respond, like it is totally crazy.
[00:31:02] It is gonna be for those of you that celebrate on Christmas Eve or on Hanukkah Eve, when you've got your littles and you've finally gotten into bed and you're like, oh my gosh, I forgot to wrap everything. I've gotta put it, and I've got only three hours of sleep before they wake back up again. It's that sense of like.
[00:31:16] Really, it's the everything. And it's that chance that they get to grow those executive functioning skills. They get to grow that gratitude, they get to grow that delay of gra, of gratification and patience. You know? So thinking about that as we get to really get into it and get to muscle, and get to be with our family and be with our kids and work this stuff out and through, you know?
[00:31:38] So I like to lean on my three Ps during the holiday season. The first P is play, okay? And remember, I've got a tween and a teen also. So this is not just reserved for my littles, but we've got to find the lightness. We've got to find the fun and the humor. And I think we forget that we have personalities.
[00:32:00] You all have personalities. You were really fun people. You are fun humans, you know? So really tapping into that playfulness. Our kids need it. They want it, finding the fun. And through that play, then we get to lean into my other two Ps, which is the practice and the pre-teach. So I think it really is fair, it's respectful when we clue our kids in, you know, what is happening, what is on the calendar, what are the events, what are the traditions, what are the expectations?
[00:32:36] What are the routines? And what is it that we're celebrating? Why does it matter? Right? Why does it matter that this particular family member is gonna need us to really bring our A plus game? You know, why does it matter that we've gotta go to this other particular random neighbor's house? Like really bringing them into the why, and that's the pre-teach.
[00:32:56] So maybe it's for our older kids, it really is just having that respectful like. Getting our eyeballs on everything and we love to do it through our family meeting. We have a whole calendar. But for my littles, it really is about role play and practicing. If we're traveling, we pretend that we're getting on the airplane.
[00:33:15] We pretend we just did this whole role play around practicing when we open up gifts because of the one time that Violet opened, my sister's present and said, this looks cheap. I was like, oh, guess what? We gotta practice. Yeah. So like note to self, right? So, and all these things, if there's something that's making you feel anxious, get 'em in the ring, practice it, bring it in, you know?
[00:33:41] So. Thinking about this in terms of gratitude, in terms of just behavior, and then also really in terms of pre-teach and the practice, thinking about the routines, and especially because a lot of our kiddos are now home from school. Even our littles might be home from preschool or off. And so what are the expectations?
[00:34:01] What are non-negotiables? What are the ways that we get to model like Casey did for us? Recentering, our kids need that too. What do the sensory breaks look like for my littles, but frankly for my olders too. Do we have visual, you know, in positive discipline we say let routines be the boss. And so really taking a hard look at what is our holiday routine?
[00:34:24] What do the quiet times look like for the littles? Or what do the resets look like for olders? You know, I know for my tween and team, they want to. Do the, like four nights in a row at their besties house, or they're gonna have their bestie over for like four nights in a row. So what's our rule around that?
[00:34:38] You know, just getting clarity clear is kind. If you've got a parenting partner really getting clearer around that too. That's part of the practice. And the pre-teach, you know, just kind of looking ahead. So when we think about behavior, I think Casey said, you know, if things go sideways, when they go sideways, you know, our kids aren't gonna say like, oh my gosh, thank you so much.
[00:34:58] You made these holidays amazing. And so I'm gonna be so perfectly behaved for you because seriously, I know how much work you've been doing behind the scenes mom, like, you know, and dad, right? So they're not gonna do that, right? They're gonna, their sensory system is gonna go down. They're gonna be overwhelmed just as we are too.
[00:35:17] And so really making sure that you know it, things aren't contingent on that behavior, right? It's about. Doing the right thing when nobody's looking right. And going back to saying, we're still practicing this, you know, versus like, now we're gonna sort of punish you for and remove things, or now you're not gonna get, you know, Santa's not gonna come, we're not gonna be doing these.
[00:35:37] It's like really just honoring the stress level for everybody. And just because it is the holiday season, things don't, you know, miraculously become even easier for us. So I talked about routines a little bit, and now I just wanna sort of close by. Saying, you know, this idea of traditions, I think can give heartache and angst.
[00:35:59] Casey, you talked about like, how are we feeling in our body? I'm like, oh, that brings up anxiety, you know? But it also can bring like what I want, which is the ease, you know? And so I wanna just say like, kids really crave this. They love the tradition, you know, they'll say, this is what they remember. Oh, this is what we always do.
[00:36:19] But it only starts with one time. So you get to start this year. What might be a new tradition? Something that's awesome, something that's cool, something that you feel like, wow, our whole family really lit up around that. Say that like, this is gonna be our new tradition. Let's create that. You know, even whatever has been in the past, we get to move forward in this full way.
[00:36:39] It can be small, it can be as big as vibe. I has now created this Nutcracker show that has gotten a little off the rails, so just thinking about that as opposed to like feeling obligated. You get to let go, right? Of some of those if it is not serving you anymore, maybe it served you for the littles, but it's now becoming overwhelming.
[00:36:59] So you can also refresh it in terms of, of new things too. You know, maybe it's that one recipe that you all make together. I make these spicy nuts that are like incredible with Chipotle and now like my kids know that's our thing and our batches get bigger and bigger. Or even just simple. On Christmas Eve, we walk the neighborhood with hot cocoa and we just go see the lights.
[00:37:18] So even just naming like a few of those things that are gonna be yours that you get to name for yourselves that can anchor and bring in, you know, kind of the why of, of, of really what we do this for and what anchors part of that really powerful, critical time in their brain development, which is these openings, you know, that allow them to integrate these memories.
[00:37:42] And so. Just in closing for my little section, I could go on and on and on. I get so excited about this. Um, but just that, that piece that Maya Angelou says, which is that they won't remember what you said, you know, or what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel. And so for those of you that say you wanna bring the magic and the enchantment, you know, it doesn't have to be these big things, but if you bring that right, if you bring that magic, if you're saying, I'm so excited this is happening, so happy, we're all home right now.
[00:38:17] Right? That's what they're gonna feel. Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
[00:38:22] Dr. Shefali Tsabary: Hello everyone. It's so nice to be part of your community. So for people who may know my work, I speak a lot about. Dismantling and deconstructing the cultural myths that we grow up with. So my talk right now may be something that you may not expect, but that's what I do.
[00:38:46] So what I wanna offer you is this deep awareness that there's actually no such thing as a holiday season because it's something we've imposed onto our reality and we have all bought into it. We've all subscribed to it, and we all pay a lot of money for it. And we are now bound by it. We're like, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?
[00:39:17] Oh, I, what are you doing? And now it's become a thing like Valentine's Day, like big wedding days. These are not things that are natural of the natural world. Like our birth or our death or old age, or our menstrual cycles, those are natural things. This thing, this holiday season is created. Now, when I say that, you may feel like, oh, she's just taking the, you know, the air out of my bubble, my balloon.
[00:39:49] I wanna be all amazing. No, I'm saying it to offer you perspective because when we, we think that it's something that is ordained, we feel obligated, we feel lesser than when it doesn't appear to be what it's stated or touted to be. We feel pressure versus remembering, oh, this is optional, this, oh, let's just do this.
[00:40:18] It's something you subscribe to, which means you have a choice. So if it doesn't work for you this year to have a holiday season, guess what? You don't need to have a holiday season. You can dip in and dip out and make it what you need. Like Juliana said, it's about the, the moment, it's not about the holidays.
[00:40:37] So many times in our lives we make it about the event or the thing or the achievement, and we forget what is really important. The kids don't care about the holiday, as Juliana said. They care about how you make them feel, so you can make them feel like the same way that you would on Hanukkah Eve or Christmas Eve as you would on a Thursday morning.
[00:41:04] There's actually no difference. So. It's not a special time that we make them feel more special or a time that we make them feel like we are more loving. It shouldn't be that, right? It should just be one more time. And then when you enter the holiday season with this lightness, what happens to you is that you're not clinging, you're not attached, you're not expecting, and then you won't have the downside of the unmet expectations, the frustration, this martyrdom, you know?
[00:41:37] So I'll tell you, very frankly, I don't wrap a single gift. I don't have a. Thing about holidays. It doesn't even pass my consciousness. It's not an issue for me. 'cause I've never subscribed. I'll go for a dinner or maybe I'll get a gift. Maybe I'll give a gift. But it's not something that I'm putting on my plate.
[00:41:56] Why? Because I have enough on my plate and I, we have a great time anyway because it's about the moment. It's about this present moment. It's about this day, and how am I going to show up? So it's not about the holiday season. That's something outside that is dependent on how grandma is and how auntie is and how the children are.
[00:42:18] You are the holiday, meaning you bring what the holiday is supposed to bring you emblem that you epitomize, that you walk around as the magic. You're not creating magic. You are the magic. You're not creating joy. You are the joy. You're not buying the gift. You are the gift. And the rest is incidental. If you eat a good Turkey or you eat the mashed hooking, you eat burgers, you eat fries, you eat Chinese, you eat sushi, you eat nothing, right?
[00:42:46] Don't attach to the external. It's you are the holiday. And that's what your children will remember. And if you actually make them very attached to a tradition, it's a little dangerous because then they get attached to a tradition, and then tomorrow they will do this to their children, and then they're gonna lose their mind, and then they're going to need a holiday seminar like this, a summit to ground them and relax them.
[00:43:12] So we are putting with too much emphasis on the holiday season, and it's really just a good time to be together, to be calm, to be relaxed, and don't overdo it. Because if you overdo it, it's, it's, it becomes insanity then it's about the, the holiday being a certain way versus you. Just easing into connection and easing into presence.
[00:43:39] So don't be so attached on how it looks or the tree, or the gifts or the, those are not what your children will remember. They will only remember if you were relaxed, if you had a good time. And the more simple you keep it actually, the more beautiful and connected. You know, it could be every Christmas morning or every Hanukkah morning, or for those seven days, eight days, we cuddled in bed for 20 minutes and we put an alarm and we forced ourselves to stay in bed.
[00:44:12] That's a tradition right there, and it costs you nothing. So the more calm and connected you are to just the simple, ordinary moment. You're not dependent on your children's reaction to the gift. You are not dependent on how the table is looking and what grandma says about your outfit or how everyone gets along because you are the holiday, so you're not giving your power away.
[00:44:39] So these are constructions of culture. These are industrial ways in which the westernized world capitalizes on us. So be mindful, don't get swept away. It just is a moment and it's the next moment. And then the next moment, if you create this big, you know, the holidays, then you are inevitably going to set yourself up for failure.
[00:45:03] So you want to keep yourself, um, very relaxed, very open and present. And that's. What your children will remember is the present moment connection, which comes from your lack of expectations, your lack of fantasies, your lack of attachments to how it should be. And remember, you are the walking, breathing, talking holiday.
[00:45:29] You are it. You're carrying the Christmas tree inside you. You are carrying the gifts, your smile, your lit up eyes, your ease of presents. You are the holiday. You are the holiday. So what is what needs to be done? Nothing. Right? If everyone comes for thanksgiving, you go, what are you here for? And the Turkey, right?
[00:45:49] Not that they should eat you, but they, they're not coming for the Turkey, they're coming for you, is what I'm trying to say. And if you are in the right state of mind, it's a beautiful time. Whether you eat. Potato chips, you eat, you know, amazing, you know, caviar, it doesn't matter. And if you remember that, then you are, you are way calm, you are relaxed.
[00:46:10] And remember it's an option. And you can always say, I'm not doing it this year. You have options to say, I'm not going to grandma's house this year, this year I'm not doing it. I'm prioritizing my mental health. I'm taking it easy. Or I'm not cooking dinner. I'm ordering in who said you have to cook the big dinner?
[00:46:29] Or you know, go and do, do this big fanfare that is cultural subscription. So give yourself the power for anyone who's feeling tired, who's anyone who's in grief and wants to just be at home and cry. You don't have to go. You don't have to subscribe. You have to take care of you, which then spills out.
[00:46:48] You're doing no one a favor. If you are mandating yourself out of an obligation and take care of yourself, the holidays cannot rule you. The holidays are not greater than you. There's no such thing as the holiday season that everyone talks about. It doesn't exist. It's a made up thing. You know, everything is made up.
[00:47:08] We all know the horrors of Thanksgiving. This is supposed to be something just for getting together. Let's not make it more than it is, and if you keep it in perspective, everyone will have a good time. It's when we don't keep it in perspective, then you are setting yourself up for failure. So remember to take care of yourself.
[00:47:27] You are everything you wish to bring. You have inside you. Tap into it. And allow yourself to express it. And there's nothing on the outside that is more important or greater than your capacity to be present and to connect.
[00:47:54] Julietta Skoog: Dr. Shafai, thank you so much. I just wanna say, I wrote down, I put it in the chat too. It's so freeing. You know, when I hear you, I've gotten the pleasure to hear you speak in person and it brought me back to the first time when I was a very, very young parent. I think I just had, maybe even Josephine, maybe if I was a baby.
[00:48:10] And I read your book, the Conscious Parent, and I felt the same way. What you just know when I heard you speak, which is this freedom, it's like, oh yeah, I forgot. Like we're free. We could, yeah, we could decide. Those expectations are not. So I felt that in my body. Yeah. Thank you so much.
[00:48:27] Dr. Shefali Tsabary: I'll just say one thing.
[00:48:28] You know, in our culture we get really trapped, right? We forget, like you said. We think we should put up the lights and we should put the, and we should, but then we are actually putting a news around us. So do it, but do it knowing that it should come from a place of joy and freedom. And it doesn't have to be every year the same thing.
[00:48:52] And then we feel, oh my God, I sent a Christmas card last year. What do people think? No one cares. Like no one care. I don't even open. Don't ever send me one. 'cause I don't even open it because it is just like, I don't need more clutter. Right. So it's lovely. But you know how these things become a noose around us.
[00:49:11] So take off the mandates. What I'm saying is be creative, be flexible, play, like Juliet said, play with this. Be creative and sometimes don't subscribe. Have a non-holiday season holiday. Like how about that? There's no one way to do this is, and when I walk around the neighborhood and I see everybody with the lights and everybody, I just feel like they just conforming.
[00:49:36] And how many of us really give ourselves the option to play with this and to not take it so seriously, you know? And to really minimize and be minimalist in your expectations, fantasies, and you know, the desires that it should look a certain way. So just offering that to you. Thank you all for listening.
[00:49:56] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, I love that. And I'm one of those people, I'm good for maybe every four or five years I do a Christmas card, so it's like, whoa, look, your kids have really grown. It's like, yeah, because it's been like six years. But that invitation too, and recognizing how conditioned we are to get caught up in the stuff.
[00:50:16] And remember, you have a practice now to help you as you move through, you know, the next couple of months when you feel that subscription, when you feel that attachment and expectation to say, wait a minute. What do I want most right now? I wanna be present with my people, right? I want to animate inside of my body a feeling of ease, like you said, julietta or joy or connection.
[00:50:40] And you get to do that. You are the holiday. I can't wait to walk into the room with my family and be like, by the way, everyone on the holiday, welcome.
[00:50:49] Julietta Skoog: Guess what I'm, I'm the magic. So there you go. You're welcome. Well, and I think this piece too really resonates with me. 'cause you know, I have like 15, 12, and seven.
[00:50:57] When you say you don't want to then pass on that, what are we passing on to our kids? Are we passing on their then need to the expectations and then I have to do and mm-hmm. But do, or do we get to break that cycle and we do. Okay. So does anyone we, should we open up to a couple questions? Yeah. I'm gonna let you lead this, Jules.
[00:51:17] Yeah. So you've heard really different perspectives and things are coming up differently for you and your different, um, age ranges in the spaces that you're in. Any comments? It could be a tool or a, a aha or a takeaway or a question that you have for us, Liliana. I never show up to parties with a gift 'cause I truly believe my presence, the party is good enough rule in like, here I'm, you're welcome.
[00:51:39] I have arrived. Yes, it's freeing to know I don't have to choose to do everything right. And I think there's some intentionality around that. Like that actually is, you know, within that choice that what are we saying no to so that we can say yes later. You know? So even if it's saying no so that you can say yes to that inner child that's inside that needs that self-care, that actually needs to be paid attention to.
[00:52:10] You know? Yeah. Okay. Charlotte, I have a question. Let's see.
[00:52:15] Casey O'Roarty: Charlotte? Yes. Come on in. I can ask a question actually. I love what you are propo you're inviting us to, to, to be and to be. And then do, I'm also mindful that society or culture have expectations. Like even if I want to be still in my practice and not, uh, conform to certain things that society expects us.
[00:52:40] Like I am riddled sometimes in my mind of like, what if if I go to a party, it's true. I am the gift. That's why you invited me. But then there is this expectation, oh, she came anti handed. You know, I, I wonder how much, and I know you have to be very strong in your, in your space because there is a expectation of culture, society, community for you to do something.
[00:53:04] And I think that's sometimes what bothers me more than. The power of what I can be
[00:53:12] Julietta Skoog: shafai, do you wanna speak to this?
[00:53:14] Dr. Shefali Tsabary: You know, it was your, so again, it's about why are you not taking a gift, right? And if you've sat with that and you think, you know, I don't need to take a gift, I took it last time. I mean, it's one more bottle of wine I don't want people to doing.
[00:53:28] Why? Once you've had your answer then, and you are okay with the answer and aligned, then when you go to the party and you tell your friend, I didn't bring a gift, then you have to just leave it there. Right? You can't then enter your friend's brain and now wonder what she thinks about you, because that's trying to mastermind somebody else's way of thinking.
[00:53:51] And we, we do that in the holidays. We do that all the time. Like, I want to control what other people think of me. But we can't do that if we want to be self-honoring. Sometimes self-honoring requires a, a very strong boundary that, okay, this is what I think is best and I cannot get into my friend's brain.
[00:54:10] If she then comes to me, suppose she then comes to you and says, you know, that was really rude of you for, you didn't bring anything. Then you can go, oh, I can tell you my reasons. You know, let's talk about it. But you're so clear you had a reason, right? So you have to sit with it. But don't just automatically knee jerk do something because culture says, or don't rebel just because culture says you should do it.
[00:54:32] And you're like, I'm not gonna do it right. Either way, it's, it's reactive. Uh, you, you have to own it, you know? And you, you have to know why you're not doing it. And let me tell you. It's a real rare friend who's going to care whether you bought something or not. Right? Like, which friend should care about that?
[00:54:49] So if she cares, wow, that's data for you, right?
[00:54:51] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:54:52] Julietta Skoog: Yeah. It's that authentic piece. It's like really, it's, it's, are you doing this? Yeah. Because you have to or because you want to. And I think both can be if, as long as you're being authentic within yourself. I have a friend, it was, it's so like radical to me because she's within our close group of, of college friends and she goes, oh, I don't do birth.
[00:55:10] I don't remember birthdays. I don't do birthdays. And I just, and I remember I thinking like, it's so ama, I never, I never hear from her on birthday. She just wanted my dearest, closest friends, never does birthday gifts, never plans anything, but she's just like, I just don't do that. You know? And so I think there's something around that.
[00:55:24] Just like if you show up and you're like, oh, I'm vegetarian. I don't eat that. Like sort, oh, I don't bring stuff, or I don't, you know, whatever it is for you. Like. Just be within that authenticity.
[00:55:33] Dr. Shefali Tsabary: Yeah, maybe everybody can write a little rule that they do. So my one thing is when I go to people's houses, I, this is horrible, but this is what I say.
[00:55:42] I say, I don't do dishes. Like, you know how everyone goes and helps. I don't do it. You know why? Because when I call people over, I don't expect them to do it. So I'm like, no. Now you cook, you clean, you called, you did I hate? I hate going around. And hey, can I help? Can I, I don't wanna help. I don't wanna help.
[00:55:58] I came to chill. You call me, you call 50 people. Why should I clean your dishes? So I say, I don't do it. So I don't even pretend because everyone's pretending no one wants to do it. We're all faking, pretending, let me help, let me help. I say, I don't, sorry, I'm come to chill. And they go, oh, relax, relax. So maybe you can write something that you do that you own, and it actually has not been a problem.
[00:56:20] And even if it is a problem, it's really not a problem because you don't know about it. So maybe something that, maybe it'll free somebody else to go, oh, I don't wanna do birthdays either, or, you know, it's so refreshing. I think when people just make it clear, you know, that's it. I'm, I'm not gonna help.
[00:56:40] Julietta Skoog: I'm that way with play dates.
[00:56:41] I don't, I don't do chitchat with parents. You came to pick up your kid, your kid is going home. I tell my kid, you walk your friend to the door. That parent's not coming to my not having a play date with that parent. I don't do that. Yeah. I saw a message, um, here from Mary and I, um, oh, you, you gave a little, yeah, I gave
[00:56:59] Casey O'Roarty: a little and I thought maybe you'd have something to add.
[00:57:00] Yeah. Just,
[00:57:01] Julietta Skoog: just two seconds. You know, you said, you know what? If they suggest, if we, if we involve our kids right here, come on in, toddler. And they suggest, or teenager, teenagers, right. Things are real, teenagers are just as messy, you know, they. Suggest gifts we don't wanna give or decorations we don't like, or the food that is.
[00:57:19] How do we also get a say without discouraging the kids? And let me be very clear, 'cause you all know we come from the land of connection and firmness at the same time, there is no thank you. Positive discipline. There's no, you know, permissive give the kids everything that they want and whatever they, you know, so we are modeling that part too within those, what we say like limited choice, right?
[00:57:39] So it's, I think especially given ages, developmentally, I'll offer ranges and have them decide or give them, you know, a range within a genre and be like, I can't decide. We know this friend really loves certain, you know, whatever. What do you think? What color do you think that they would like? Right? So, you know, have, you know your own, like Casey said, the guardrail, that then you can offer them the freedom within that space.
[00:58:05] For sure. I'm not like, whatever you think we should have on menu. You know, they're like mac and cheese and nuggets. Yeah. Okay. Clear as kind. Yep. Totally. Okay, well we have, just in these last couple minutes, I wanna make sure that we let everyone go on time. And if you can just, you know, for the last couple minutes, if there's any appreciation that you have a takeaway, something that you are, that you wanna put in the chat so that it really gets out into the universe that you are taken away or you're an intention that you have, go ahead and pop that in the chat and in the meantime, please know that you can find lots of beautiful support like this from each of us.
[00:58:45] Ali has a beautiful membership and coaching program and, and retreats. Casey does as well. I do as well. We all support parents, has her beautiful books. Casey has a beautiful book called Joyful Courage as well. You can find all of us at our various websites. Of course, that now I'm like stalling. Where do you find us?
[00:59:06] But we will send all of you an email that has the recording and that also has the places where you can find us. But please know this is just the beginning and that we. Learn, and we grow and we laugh like this when we're together and when we are honest and vulnerable and open and real. And it really does take this kind of, you know, community and support.
[00:59:31] We are not isolated parents in our own little vortex, so keep reaching out to our various communities so that we can all support each other. Thank you all so much. Keep your power. Bye everyone. Thank you. Be the holiday. It was great to see you. Yes, thank you everybody.
[00:59:53] Casey O'Roarty: Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pods Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[01:00:21] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.