Eps 612: Emily Redondo on Recovery & Family

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

“Joyful Courage to me means that joy and bravery can exist together. Courage comes in tiny doses and major doses. Sometimes it’s deciding not to quit today, or trying something new and seeing what happens. Our kids are always watching us and we have no idea what they’ll remember so go ahead and take the shot and try it. “

– Emily Redondo

Resources

Emily’s website: https://www.emilyredondoauthor.com/

Click here to order her book.

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:23] Hi everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. My guest today is Emily Redondo. Emily is a writer, bookworm, and proud mother of four, whose articles on recovery and motherhood have been featured in love. What Matters. Genius recovery and Legacy launchpad. Her interests include gardening, camping, collecting antique curiosities, and tinkering with her latest DIY project in her workshop.
[00:01:50] She lives with her husband, Pete, and their lively household in McKinney, Texas. Her new memoir wife, mother drunk, an intergenerational memoir of loss and love. Comes out in October, reveals how the pressure to be perfect and societal expectations of motherhood can actually mask addiction and mental health struggles.
[00:02:12] Unlike most quit lit, Emily doesn't offer a neat and tidy story of rock, bottom and redemption. Instead, she shares the messy truth of chronic relapse. The challenges of raising kids while in recovery and the generational trauma that fueled her drinking in the first place. I'm so happy to welcome you to the podcast, Emily.
[00:02:31] Thank you so much for spending time with me. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, I'm excited. This is great. Yeah, I'm excited too. And this book, I mean, like I said before I hit record, I've started to read it and it just, you know, at the very start you kind of talk about your upbringing and like I said, I just wanna hold little Emily and love on her.
[00:02:51] You are such a rockstar for being willing to write your story and to be seen. How is it feeling to share? I mean, I know the book comes out next month, right? How are you feeling about sharing your journey so openly?
[00:03:06] Emily Redondo: You know, it feels liberating in a way, um, because I think when I hold onto this kind of stuff, you know, it gets this like power to it.
[00:03:17] Mm-hmm. And so. Although I don't think I'd feel that way if I didn't know the, the material so well. And that's something that, you know, I just had to do on my own. But I think it's also really meaningful to be able to just put stuff out there in a very, like in transparent way. And, um, I'm really not trying to.
[00:03:41] Give advice or come off like, I know all the answers, I'm just sharing my story and, you know, hoping that people can, you know, think about their own and relate to some of it.
[00:03:53] Casey O'Roarty: I think it's so generous to share the real, the raw and the ugly. I think there's so much that we, um, as humans, especially today, with all the ways that all the opportunities and platforms that we have to quote, quote, share on.
[00:04:10] You know, we, we like to give the shiny, you know Yeah, right. The shiny visual of it. And I, I know for me, in my experience when I've shared struggles, you know, in our family and my kids have come on and talked about certain things, Hmm. The feedback I always get is, oh my gosh, me too. Or this was so useful to know.
[00:04:33] Yeah. And to see myself in your story. And I, I'm guessing that that's gonna be, you know, something that's really valuable for people is listening to your story and your unique details, but also seeing themselves. Yeah. Like I already did in the very beginning, just you sharing about, you know, being the, the baby of the family and then having your younger brother come along and, and how that felt as a young girl and, and your experience.
[00:04:57] And I could connect dots from that to how it felt for my daughter when my younger son came along and, you know, the, the unintended messaging that that can happen. So yes. Yeah, just thank you. Oh, you're welcome. Can you tell us a little, like the short, you know, the short version of kind of what your storyline is about?
[00:05:22] Um, yeah, I can, I can try. Yeah. Um, there's a lot, I mean, it's a pretty thick book.
[00:05:27] Emily Redondo: It's a, it is, it's a long book and I kept asking like, is this too long? But, you know, it's a very true story. Mm-hmm. That was the number one thing that was important to me was that I tell the truth. Um, and I think really how it started was I think we get to this place where, especially as the level of alcoholic that I was, where you're sober and you kind of look back and think, God, what was going on?
[00:05:57] What, what is all that? Mm-hmm. And you know. I've been to 20 different institutions. I've missed so many, uh, monumental family types of things and institutions, meaning like long-term rehabs, um, psychiatric hospitals, detox, jail, you know, all these different things, and I couldn't keep 'em straight. And you, you know, so I'd hear a story that the kids were talking about and I didn't remember it, and they're like, yeah, you weren't there.
[00:06:28] You were at rehab. I was like, okay, this is so messed up. Um, so it kind of started as just like maybe a personal investigation where I wanted to put the pieces together. And so what the book does is it starts in my childhood and kind of. It's almost like I call 'em mat pins where I'm trying to like, you know, there's like this urge to figure out, okay, maybe it happened, maybe this was where things started to go wrong, you know?
[00:06:59] Mm-hmm. And because I was so afraid of another relapse, uh, been, you know, I was close to death, so it was terrifying for me. Um, but then as you get in, as I got into the story, it's kind of like. You'd think about your own parents, and both of my parents were alcoholics and it's sort of like, well, what, how did they grow up?
[00:07:25] And these, these lines started connecting, um, that just made a deeper and richer story. And it's not an excuse or, um, you know, some sort of justification for why I ended up the way I am. But it just really opened my eyes that. Maybe I don't need to hate myself so much. Um, you know, the beginning of this thing and then it, you know, it doesn't end in a perfect, you know, ideal.
[00:07:53] Like I'm some huge success and everybody's, you know, circling up to give big hugs. You know, it's like there's, there's stuff that's gonna always be residual.
[00:08:05] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, yeah. It's messy.
[00:08:09] Emily Redondo: Yeah. Very messy.
[00:08:11] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. But it's okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's life unfolding, right? Exactly. It's messy for everyone. We have our own details and when I think about what you shared about your family history and what you know, to me, yeah.
[00:08:26] Not an excuse, not a justification, but like a way to make sense. Yeah. Right. It just kind of like, oh, well, like it makes sense that you would end up, you know, in this situation, considering what's been. Modeled and conditioned and passed down. So I really appreciate that part of your story. I find it really interesting, and not only just the al alcoholism, but you know, do we talk about our feelings?
[00:08:52] Do we say what we see, right? Yeah. Do we sweep things under the carpet? I think that's so powerful regardless of whatever the quote dysfunction of the particular family is. You know, I think that it's really interesting to go back and to look. I know I definitely see some. You know, when I look back, like what are we allowed to talk about?
[00:09:12] What do we not talk about? And I think everybody has that experience, right? When they start looking backwards towards what's been conditioned and modeled. Right. I imagine that you, you know, alcohol and like I said, I'm only. I am still in the beginning of your book, and I love it. Mm-hmm. I, it's very hard to put down.
[00:09:29] I imagine that coming into motherhood, alcohol was already a problem, or already useful, or not so much? No,
[00:09:36] Emily Redondo: it's, it's interesting because, you know, there's so many different addictions.
[00:09:41] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:09:41] Emily Redondo: I mean, I think that the seed was always there. Okay. I'm not denying that, but. I had issues with food as a adolescent.
[00:09:51] You know, I always say I ate my feelings.
[00:09:54] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:09:54] Emily Redondo: Um, in a very, very tumultuous house. But then I developed an eating disorder and went to treatment for that. So. I had, it's not that I didn't have the, you know, addictive behaviors, right. And this idea that I need something to help me get by. It's just, it wasn't alcohol.
[00:10:17] And also, um, my mother was sober. She got sober,
[00:10:21] Casey O'Roarty: okay.
[00:10:21] Emily Redondo: And I. You gotta read the book. I don't look great on paper as I say this, but you know, by the time I was 23, I had already been married, divorced, and then pregnant with basically a single pregnant woman. Yeah. Uh, so I had my daughter and I was trying to finish college and the stop popped into my head when I was driving back from campus one day that.
[00:10:53] Gosh, you know, normal people when they're this stressed out would have a glass of wine. Why don't I do that? Maybe I should do that. And so that was where it first entered was when my oldest daughter was about a year old.
[00:11:10] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:11:11] Emily Redondo: And the, from the very beginning it was super sneaky. Yeah. And I, you know, we're really hiding it from ourselves.
[00:11:20] Right. The thing. But, um. And it wasn't long at all before I just p Right. Like way down.
[00:11:28] Casey O'Roarty: Right. You were already primed.
[00:11:30] Emily Redondo: Very primed, yes. Yeah.
[00:11:32] Casey O'Roarty: Yes. Yeah. And as you entered into motherhood as a single mom. Mm-hmm. Right? Yes. What was your experience of that pressure around looking good, looking like the perfect mom?
[00:11:46] What was that experience for you?
[00:11:48] Emily Redondo: Oh, there's so much to it, you know? Here. We have this idea that if, if we get pregnant, it's our fault and oh my gosh, we can't make mistakes. We have to be really good at what we're doing. We can't look like we're struggling. And also plus a double
[00:12:03] Casey O'Roarty: if you're a single mom, I'm sure that it's like a, a double amount of pressure.
[00:12:08] That's kind
[00:12:08] Emily Redondo: of Yeah. That's kind of what I'm saying. Yeah. Like, you know, no, I've got this handled, I've got this under control. Right. And also, not that it makes a huge difference where you live, but you know, I live in Texas and this is just, it's just a no no. It's like mm-hmm. Shame on you.
[00:12:24] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:12:25] Emily Redondo: Um, so I felt kind of like, I really need to pretend like I know exactly what I'm doing.
[00:12:30] When in reality some of us have these childhoods where we don't learn regular skills. I didn't know how to manage my own life. I could on the surface, but you know, this idea of paying bills, you know, this kind of maturity that kids should be able to develop through different stages, right. I was, I wasn't there.
[00:12:54] I was like in crisis mode. Mm-hmm. And still in crisis mode basically by the time I had my daughter and then some. Mm-hmm. And I was terrible. I was so bad at it. I was just, I didn't know what I was doing. Um, I didn't want anybody to know that. I didn't know. It was super isolating. Yeah. And because they're just, I didn't know any, I had nobody in my.
[00:13:22] Orbit that had even gotten married. Mm-hmm. And here I was like feeling pretty ashamed of mm-hmm. My situation. But you know, I love my daughter. Yeah. So much. I mean, she was my world and I just couldn't keep it together and I didn't get it, I thought. What's wrong with me.
[00:13:39] Casey O'Roarty: Right, right. And so in those early, yeah, I mean, I'm thinking about the, the idea of shame and the experience of shame and something that you said after my first question about sharing your story and shining a light on this story.
[00:13:54] I think about Brene Brown's work another Texan. Right. Yes. Um, Brene Brown talks about like, that's where shame grows is in the dark and in secrecy. Mm-hmm. And so it seems logical that you would wanna hide. Yeah. You know what you felt like, what you didn't know, and yet, mm-hmm. Like you've said, it just grows that shame and that fear just grows when we keep it hidden and keep it, yeah.
[00:14:21] On the downside, so you've got your older daughter and then three others that have that come up over the years? Yes. Right. What does it look like and what did it look like for you, you know, as you kind of came in and out of recovery, how did you talk to them about it? How did, what did it, because coming from a family where you didn't talk about the hard things Yeah.
[00:14:43] What
[00:14:44] Emily Redondo: did that look like? Well, from the very beginning, um, we were, we were just very matter of fact about it. Mm-hmm. Uh, my husband. Who I've been with. I mean, he's my third husband, but, um, my other ones were super short marriages, but the kid, you know, we're, he is all kids' dad, you know, it's
[00:15:04] Casey O'Roarty: like,
[00:15:05] Emily Redondo: yeah.
[00:15:05] Casey O'Roarty: So I know that I
[00:15:06] Emily Redondo: come from a
[00:15:07] Casey O'Roarty: family like that.
[00:15:07] So,
[00:15:08] Emily Redondo: yeah. So, um, he's in recovery as well, and my mom was in recovery, so even from Shelby, she didn't get that. It was, you know, when they're younger, I do think it's easier because they don't get. They don't understand stigmas. Mm-hmm. They don't, they're not ashamed. They just, they're so loving and carefree and you know, there was a time where my oldest daughter stood up in a restaurant booth and said, oh my gosh, my whole family, all of you are alcoholics.
[00:15:41] You know, because she didn't know. And Yeah. 'cause it was the three of us and she just didn't have anything attached to it. Mm-hmm. That it was bad. She knew that. You know, that we can't drink. Um mm-hmm. We kept it really simple with the young ones that they were, that it's, you know, we were allergic to alcohol.
[00:15:59] Mm-hmm. That was the first thing. But I'll tell you, I don't know if all parents were, are willing to do this, but I taught Shelby and all the proceeding ones from as long as they could comprehend it, that that's, that they were allergic to alcohol.
[00:16:13] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:16:14] Emily Redondo: Mm-hmm. Um, because they are.
[00:16:16] Casey O'Roarty: Well, yeah. The two, you know, both lines coming in
[00:16:20] Emily Redondo: Yeah.
[00:16:21] Casey O'Roarty: To their experience. Right. That makes sense. How did that conversation evolve as they got older? Especially like I'm thinking during teen years.
[00:16:32] Emily Redondo: Mm-hmm.
[00:16:32] Casey O'Roarty: What did that sound like in your family?
[00:16:35] Emily Redondo: It definitely changed as they got older. Um, I think that. They got smarter about, you know, what was really going on.
[00:16:45] And I think it also starts to feel personal because, you know, adolescence naturally brings up all these, like, it's about me, you
[00:16:53] Casey O'Roarty: know? Mm-hmm. Kind of things. Do you mean, I'm gonna pause you for a second. Like when you say it's about me, like they started to connect, like maybe what mom's going through has to do with me, or what did that.
[00:17:06] Is that what you mean by that? What do you mean by that? Well, what I mean is
[00:17:08] Emily Redondo: that why is she so like is it me? Like why she's so miserable? And I gotta tell you, that's a lot of messaging that's kind of out there. Yeah. Especially, you know, my drink of choice that took me way down to the depths of misery was always wine.
[00:17:26] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:17:27] Emily Redondo: I always drink it, drank it secretively. Nobody ever saw me drinking. But you know, it's like mommy's juice cup kind of haha thing. And it's a, you know, it's a wine glass and it's sort of like, mommy is hard. That's why there's wine, you know, this sort of a thing. Yeah. Wine 30. Yeah. And like what message does that give to the kids?
[00:17:47] And then I think also when I say that it kind of got personal is because it's sort of like, why do you keep doing this to us? Mm-hmm. Um. I still have a daughter who struggles with a little bit of what happened, and not saying that there's a lot of anger there, but I think that there is a version of her that is mad as she should be, and.
[00:18:10] That was one of the things is, you know, we kept telling them they would go to, you know, visit me at rehabs and stuff like that and try to educate themselves, you know? Mm-hmm. Age appropriately. But still, it's like, that's my mom. Mm-hmm. That's my mom and she's not here.
[00:18:27] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:18:28] Emily Redondo: And you know, we're still kind of learning and healing from that.
[00:18:34] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. On
[00:18:36] Emily Redondo: both ends, because we talk about trauma in my book. And yes, I mean, had just slew of trauma altogether, like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But then at some point it shifts, and now I'm the trauma of my own kids. I'm the source of it. And how do I live with that and help them at the same time?
[00:19:09] Casey O'Roarty: Well, what I really appreciate about this conversation is I think one of the patterns that I mentioned before, I hit record with you and, and I think I've alluded to it before on the podcast, you know, one of the patterns that I'm working on breaking, I didn't realize it was something to break until of course it comes up, is receiving the feedback from our kids and being with their experience without.
[00:19:35] Minimizing or dismissing or talking out of, and what I'm hearing you doing right in this moment in real time, Emily is sitting in the discomfort of having a kid who's expressing either outwardly or you know it exists. Yeah, you've hurt me. Oh yeah. I mean, oh, right. Like even just saying that it, you know, I've had the same, you know, I have a, I have an almost 23-year-old and she's moving through her own stuff and connecting her own dots, and we all have equally valid separate realities, which means that our kids experience us a certain way.
[00:20:13] Yep. And it's real for them, regardless of our intention, regardless of how hard we were working or our own mental health or. Our own storyline. It's real for them and I think it's really brave and such an important example to set for others like we're doing right now. To be with it and to own it and to hold it, but also not let it.
[00:20:38] Take us down. Like what do you do for yourself to hold the damage that you've done and still show up and carry on in another day and stay sober? I mean, yeah.
[00:20:51] Emily Redondo: I think that, you know, very early on in my sobriety, I had this kind of, you know, I all, I mean, this is a long struggle that I went through. Mm-hmm.
[00:21:05] And, you know, I got sober. And I mean all the time, getting sober wasn't my problem. It was staying sober. Right. Which is another thing that I wish people would talk more about when it comes to relapse, but I realized one of the things that I was just grieving was, ugh, I, like, I don't get to go back and do it over.
[00:21:26] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm. You
[00:21:26] Emily Redondo: know, I like how much I missed and where my kids were and you know, age wise and um. Oh my gosh. It was just so painful and I couldn't get out of it. I was just, I was always in this like, state of remorse and how much time I lost with them, uh, this kind of a thing. And then it dawned on me that I'm wasting time right now.
[00:21:56] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:21:56] Emily Redondo: By feeling this way. You know, and that's kind of what shame does, is it keeps us hostage of a certain time and place and it's not doing any good. And I thought, well, I can either stay and waste more time while I'm sober, or mm-hmm. I can figure this out and I've got to take every moment, you know, and time that I have now.
[00:22:21] Super precious because it really is. And that's why, you know, that's kind of why like I got off social media and I stopped, you know, doing all these things where it's like, this is not what I fought so hard for is to be, you know, where all of us are at the table on our phones. You know, no, no, no, no, I don't want that.
[00:22:40] That's not, so I kind of had to deal with them both at the same time and get living as a mom.
[00:22:46] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm. And.
[00:22:48] Emily Redondo: Deal with, you know, my own emotions about. Where I was.
[00:22:52] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. That just makes me think like when I talk to clients who, you know, come to me and they're just learning about what I teach, which is positive discipline, and they're sitting inside of this, oh my gosh, would if I only would've known sooner, and my response is always like, okay, take a moment for that and.
[00:23:13] You have today and you have what's ahead, right? Like that's what you've got. Mm-hmm. And I imagine, you know, and that's, it's easy for me to, it's easy to say that it's another, you know, each day you get to remember that. As you know, those regrets or remorse show up. You talk about being a failure and not a failure.
[00:23:32] Tell me about that. Explain that mindset, because I think it'd be, it's useful across the board.
[00:23:37] Emily Redondo: Yeah, I do too. I don't know when that actually came to be, but it's like, you know, I did think of myself as a major, major failure, but then it's sort of like actually. I just fail. Mm-hmm. But you know, and there's all these kind of black and white ways that we think, you know, this is either a success or it's a total bomb kind of a thing.
[00:24:01] But there's nothing wrong with being a failure. Mm-hmm. It just means that I'm trying stuff and I'm not giving up.
[00:24:08] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Um,
[00:24:08] Emily Redondo: I think sometimes, even, sometimes we have to. Say no, and just as moms or women or whatever saying no to our kids feels, at least it did for me, especially when I had done so much damage.
[00:24:25] You know, I don't want them to not like me. I want them to feel loved and as all to, you know, I wanna be the star in their eyes and sometimes just say, no, feels like a fail.
[00:24:37] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm. Because.
[00:24:38] Emily Redondo: I'm the mean mom. Yeah. When really, so when I started writing, even I had to teach myself sort of that in this book.
[00:24:47] The book took me about eight years to write, and there were times where I just flat out quit. I was like, I can't. I just, yeah. You know? And that was, it's not the same as giving up. Right. And I think there's so many lessons in being a failure in front of our kids without. Letting it take us down or you know, you just try it again.
[00:25:09] I have this little workshop that I set up in my garage where I do, I mean, when I say I do DIY, I'm like electric tool, you know? I mean, I go all in and make a huge mess and I screw everything up usually at least once or twice and work through it. But you know, the motto of the garage is, mistakes will be made.
[00:25:29] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:25:30] Emily Redondo: Like, there's no, it's, no, it's okay. And that's a hard thing to teach kids. Mm-hmm. Especially nowadays when there's so much pressure to be like a super student.
[00:25:41] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Or a superstar, whatever. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's interesting as I listen to you talk about failure versus failure. So we have a, I used to do trainings with teachers to do social emotional learning with their students, and a lot of what we did in those trainings was activities for them to do with the kids.
[00:26:00] And one of the activities, we had a glass and we had a pitcher of water, and we would pour the water into the glass until it spilled over and we would say, oh, no. Oopsie. Right, right. And then we ask, the teachers are trained to ask the kids, did I make a mistake or am I a mistake? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And the kids were really quick, really quickly would be like, obviously you made a mistake, right?
[00:26:23] You made a mistake, you overfilled the glass. But how? But it sparks this whole conversation around, you know, with just what you're talking about, being the person who tries and fails being the person who makes the mistake and grows and learns from it, versus I am. A failure I and, and identifying. Mm-hmm.
[00:26:43] With, and, and you're right. I mean, this is, I love mistakes happen here. One of the positive discipline mottos is mistakes are opportunities to learn. And actually, you know, like you, we talked about before I hit record, like some people are experiential learners, right. And yes, that means that can be taken to the extreme.
[00:27:00] Mm-hmm. As in your story, right? But I have tons of clients with teenagers and they're just like. Why do they keep doing these things? And, and that's exactly what I say to them. Like, well, you got an experiential learner so you can keep telling them what you think they should do. Or you can start asking questions to develop their internal critical thinking so that they, when they're in the situation, they're actually asking themselves and they are developing that internal dialogue around, is this the best idea for me right now?
[00:27:31] You know, or whatever the curiosity is. And so. When your kids were. Became teens and right now mm-hmm. You've got 27 all the way down to 15. Right. So you've moved through and are continuing to move through that adolescent gauntlet. Yes. And teen brain development, they're looking for autonomy. They're mm-hmm.
[00:27:50] Individuating, so I'm not you. Yep. And they're looking for novelty. Yeah. Right. And so how, what does it look like? Or what is it if you're willing to share, and it might be, it's okay if you're not, but. Like, what are the conversations? I know that you had said, well, our family, in our family we're allergic to alcohol, right?
[00:28:07] Yeah. Like obviously you're talking about we have addiction and it's strong in our family. What does it sound like? To also talk about how experimentation can show up during the teen years. Like what do those conversations sound like in your family?
[00:28:24] Emily Redondo: We try to let the kids know. I mean, you know, we were teenagers once too.
[00:28:30] Mm-hmm. You know, first of all, like, and trust me, our kids are way, way better than we were as teenagers. So it's kind of funny, but, um, it's almost like. We have, we have to loosen up enough space. Yeah. Um, my biggest thing is communication and feelings, because those are the two categories where I think cycles.
[00:29:00] Those are your gaps come out. Yeah. And you don't even know that you're doing it, you know? Right. I'm doing something that. You know, whether it's like walking away from an argument or you know, these different kinds of things, just allowing, like, this is house is the safe space, you know? Mm-hmm. If, and there's no, there's no bad feelings.
[00:29:21] All feelings are real, and they're fine. They're okay. It's, and they're not permanent. I think that's the other thing is like, one of the things that people don't. Really like around here or there? It's getting better. Is that it's okay for somebody to be mad and I wanna teach my kids also. It's okay if somebody's disappointed.
[00:29:45] It doesn't mean like there's no connection to how much I love you. If I say, you know, I'm kind of disappointed about that. Mm-hmm. Or if you say it to me, it doesn't mean that you love me any less. So trying to separate. Those two things. And also teaching them how to have uncomfortable conversations. Yeah.
[00:30:07] And we stay, yeah. And it, let me tell you, it's messy. It's sloppy. Oh yeah. It's downright. It gets gnarly, you know? Yeah. It's like, okay, okay, hang on. But I have to be willing to listen to my, my kids mm-hmm. As teenagers. And get their, get their insight rules are way different than they are when they're, when they're children.
[00:30:34] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:30:34] Emily Redondo: Because, um, I'm trying to kind of teach them like the art of compromise. Mm-hmm. Meaning like we call it you give to get mm-hmm. That's what I, my youngest. And so if he wants something like more time on his phone and. He's already used all his time. Well what are you gonna give out to get that? And you know, that's kind of how we do, you know, other boundaries.
[00:30:59] But I think it's important that they feel heard. Yeah, exactly. As they are without me or my husband chiming in.
[00:31:09] Casey O'Roarty: Well, that's not, that's not right, you know? Yeah. And I'm sure that you and your husband both have an experience of needing to recognize when, when your fear and your experience is in the room and somehow, and like a part of the filter that you're experiencing, whatever's going on with your kids with, I'm sure that that's.
[00:31:27] Probably something that you guys are working with as well, right? Which would make sense. I think we all have some sense of that. And something that you said that I think is important to highlight is so many of us like trying to highlight and and be in emotional honesty while also. Having discomfort tolerance.
[00:31:48] That's a, it makes sense that it's can be so messy. Mm-hmm. For human beings to be in both of those places because none of us like discomfort. I mean, isn't that what addiction really is? The solution to Yeah. Is like a certain amount of discomfort. It's like, how can I get this to go away? Oh, this is gonna be a quick fix.
[00:32:08] I'm going for it. Right. None of us like to be uncomfortable and yet. We all, you know, and I was talking to a, a good friend last night about this, like, yeah, isn't it fun for us? We really wanted these open, honest relationships with our kiddos, our teens, and now we have them. And they're like, yeah, this is what I'm getting into.
[00:32:24] Mm-hmm. And we have to be with it. Yeah. It doesn't mean an open, honest relationship doesn't mean kids that don't get into mischief. It means Right. You're hearing about it. Right. And so. Yeah, I just, it's just sitting with me right now. Those two things, emotional honesty and tolerance for discomfort are both mm-hmm.
[00:32:45] Like learning edges for, for all of us. Right. So it's really makes sense that it's so messy.
[00:32:51] Emily Redondo: And I also think that I really had to do my own work and kind of get to know myself and Yeah. Um, this. Ugly thing called self-forgiveness. That is just so nasty. And I thought I had done it a hundred times, and the truth was I didn't, you know?
[00:33:09] And I finally, yeah, it's an
[00:33:10] Casey O'Roarty: onion, right? It's like, oh, nope, not done
[00:33:12] Emily Redondo: yet. Yeah.
[00:33:12] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:33:13] Emily Redondo: Because I mean, you know, we, we like to say, we like honesty. But a certain kind of honesty. Right. You know, it's like honesty that doesn't make us feel weird or uncomfortable. Yeah. Like the real life of so and so and little do we know how much we don't get to see, you know?
[00:33:31] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and I think it's, it's just, um, it's important for me because I never know what they're gonna bring up and they're allowed to feel however they want.
[00:33:54] Casey O'Roarty: So now coming out of like your personal experience and just kind of as you've written this book as you've lived your life, right? Mm-hmm. And all the choices that you've made, and you think about community, right? And society. Were you pretty able, somewhat to kind of keep this front of, oh, I'm, I'm a busy, capable mom, you know, kind of hiding what was going on with you, and if so, like what do you wish people understood more about addiction and mental health and how it can be so hidden?
[00:34:26] Emily Redondo: Oh. I was a big hider.
[00:34:29] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:34:30] Emily Redondo: And you know, I wanna say I did a pretty good job. I just looked like a regular, you know, could be your neighbor, you know, just a regular mom. I think one thing is, you know, moms especially, who suffer with addiction, even, even mental health, it's almost like villainized, we're kind of the villain to our wonderful innocent.
[00:34:55] Precious children, and I think that. Addiction is so much, has deeper than most people know because you have to be willing to take the time to kind of listen to people's stories. Mm-hmm. And like, why did this happen? How did this happen? Um, believe me, I said everything that people thought about me to myself 10 times over.
[00:35:19] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:35:19] Emily Redondo: I think there's a lot of things that are available for. Children in the community, it's almost like a more appropriate and accepted thing to kind of be there for, for the kids, and I wish that there was more that was also available for the moms. As well. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What the kids really want is, you know, it's like, I wanna come in and rescue this kid who's living with an alcoholic parent, you know?
[00:35:51] And really what the children want is. They want their mom to be happy.
[00:35:56] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:35:56] Emily Redondo: They just want their mom to be happy. Yeah. That's it.
[00:35:59] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:35:59] Emily Redondo: So let's take care of mom.
[00:36:01] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:36:02] Emily Redondo: You know? Let's do both. Let's do both. I mean, I'm not saying that that kids don't need the extra support and that kind of thing, but I think as adults it's more like she's bad.
[00:36:12] We need to help them kind of a thing. Right,
[00:36:15] Casey O'Roarty: right.
[00:36:15] Emily Redondo: And you know, I couldn't control, you know, it's like, why can't she just stop? I believe me, I tried. All day, every day. Yeah. And yet I can't. Yeah. And I think it's really hard for people, even people with addiction struggle to explain it or, you know, but it is, it's in, it's in your brain.
[00:36:35] Yeah. And it's, you know, it's kind of like my daughter was allergic to walnuts, and once you eat that walnut, all bets are off. Right. You're gonna get the rash Right. Period. Right. And once an alcoholic takes a drink. Yeah. They've lost the control of what happens next.
[00:36:52] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. I'm just, just thinking about how remembering, having, how it felt in my experience, the, the months after having a baby, that there was a lot of tending to me.
[00:37:07] Hmm. I remember like the whole postpartum depression, like, let's just keep an eye on the mom, make sure, but then that fades. And I'm, so, I'm really hearing what you're saying and I think there is, I remember watching like Oprah Winfrey back in the early two thousands Yeah. Did a special Right. Did you see about the myth of motherhood?
[00:37:29] And I remember watching it and being like, oh my gosh, this is, this is talking about. How hard it is, right? Yeah. How hard it can be to be in this role. And I remember a friend of mine after having my daughter, she was probably six months old, came up to me and just looked me in the eye and said, isn't it the most wonderful thing?
[00:37:52] And I burst into tears and I said, it's actually really hard. It's really, really hard. And like feeling that sense of it shouldn't feel this hard 'cause all of the images. That were shown are like. This is the best thing ever. And I'm a natural, and you know, it was, and it was a pendulum swing. There were glorious moments as well as like, oh fuck, what have I done?
[00:38:20] Why did I, why didn't I think more about this? You know? And then don't tell me, you know, don't even talk to me about the adolescent years. If any of us knew how that was gonna feel, like, oh, I know. Yeah. Holy cow. And I love my children. I mean, they're my. Favorite people on the planet. Right. And yeah, I'm really hearing you and I think there's a big block.
[00:38:39] On anybody being willing to say, this is hard. And actually I kind of don't like it. I don't like this. So, yeah. So what are some ideas that you have? Like what could that even look like? I mean, I feel like, you know, I'm out here in the world. Doing parenting classes. I know for myself in using my platform, I try to keep it really honest and real.
[00:39:02] Mm-hmm. And raw, right, while also staying in possibility. And also staying in gratitude, you know, with all the things like the messy soup of it all. You know, support groups. I mean, I think one thing that comes out of what I see from the outside looking in that I think is mm-hmm. Seems to be really powerful is the community around recovery.
[00:39:23] Right. Seems as though it's such a special place. It can be such a special place. Mm-hmm. But I don't think we need to have been through addiction and recovery to create that.
[00:39:34] Emily Redondo: Yeah, that's a, that's a hard one because, um, you know, I'll be honest, I'm kind of a loner.
[00:39:40] Casey O'Roarty: Are you?
[00:39:40] Emily Redondo: And I think it's because of some of the experiences I've been through that it's difficult to maintain these types of suburban friendships with women because I'm not very fluffy, you know?
[00:39:56] Yeah. I'm not very like chit chatty, whatever. I don't really fit the profile. Not that I ever did, but I really tried for a long time. Yeah, and I think, I think that makes it kind of hard. I also think that different moms have different experiences, you know, because for me, I mean for some moms, it's not a big deal to have, you know, somebody come in every two weeks and clean your house or it's, it's okay to, you know, have somebody else that comes in.
[00:40:30] Watches the kids while you get stuff, other stuff done around the house. And for me it was so foreign. Nobody did that in my previous generations, you know, it was like women could do it all, you know, it's like Betty Crocker meets, you know, the feminist and we're just gonna ma master it all. And I couldn't, I couldn't do it.
[00:40:52] I would love a cleaner every other week. I feel like motherhood.
[00:40:54] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah,
[00:40:55] Emily Redondo: me too. I feel like if motherhood was just about. Momming your kid and that's it. There wasn't anything else. That'd be a different story, but I just feel like so much gets added on to what it means to be a mom. And part of my story is also like as a wife, you know.
[00:41:16] We're just set up to fail.
[00:41:18] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Impossible standards, right? Yeah. So, as we wrap up, mm-hmm. For any mom or dad that's listening who might be quietly struggling with drinking or with other kinds of pressures or addiction or with any kind of shame, what would you want them to hear from your story and your journey?
[00:41:38] Emily Redondo: Well, I'm just going to speak what just popped into my head and it's, you know. All you need is one person that you can talk to. I think that's important in the beginning when you're grappling with, you know, what's going on with you and you know, it's like, I don't have time to deal with this. I'll, I'll, I'll work through this later.
[00:42:02] Not right now that, you know, the first step sometimes isn't going to a support group. Maybe it's just reaching out to that one person who you can. Say it out loud.
[00:42:15] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm. And
[00:42:15] Emily Redondo: be okay. You know, the thing about fear is we think it's gonna kill us and we think our feelings are gonna kill us. And it's like, you know, somebody is out there who's gonna say Me too.
[00:42:28] Mm-hmm. For you too.
[00:42:30] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. I appreciate that. So the name of my podcast is Joyful Courage, and I always ask my guests, what does Joyful Courage mean to you?
[00:42:40] Emily Redondo: Well, it kind of goes into a little bit of that failure mentality. Mm-hmm. Um, I like that joyful and courage are together because it can be both and I think courage comes in tiny doses and major doses and sometimes it's just, um, I'm not gonna do that today, or, you know, I'm gonna try that.
[00:43:04] And see what happens.
[00:43:05] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:43:05] Emily Redondo: Um, but I also think it's kind of a little bit of like, you know, don't quit your daydream. You know, your kids are, you know, our kids are always watching us and we have no idea what is gonna be remembered, what they're gonna see as anything. I mean, it's like, I don't know if they're listening to me half the time, you know?
[00:43:27] Right. It's, it's just like, go ahead and take the shot. You know? Yeah. Try it. Love that. Love that. And that's what I, yeah. Thank you. You are welcome. Where
[00:43:37] Casey O'Roarty: can people find you and follow your, your work or, and where can they get your book? Well, my
[00:43:42] Emily Redondo: book comes out November 4th actually. Okay. November 4th. Great.
[00:43:46] That moved back a little bit. Um, I have a website, emily redondo author.com. Okay. And if you wanna read more kind of about my book with like a summary and an excerpt, I believe there's one on the Simon and Schuster website. Okay. Make sure that link, but if you just, if you Google wife, mother drunk book.
[00:44:05] There'll be different places where you can either, you know, pre-order it or read about it. But yeah, I think that my email is on my website and I would just love if anybody wants to reach out, um, that'd be fantastic. I love that kind of stuff.
[00:44:19] Casey O'Roarty: Awesome. Okay, well, we'll make sure that the links are in the show notes.
[00:44:23] Thank you so much for spending time with me. Thank you for writing this book. I really appreciate it. Oh, it's my pleasure. Thank you.
[00:44:35] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making. Sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:45:02] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.