Eps 635: Winter break with teens

What does Joyful Courage mean to me today…. Ahhh, with. my kids home and our little family unit and we all just to want to hang tough with each other… it means being intentional about being all in on the present moment. Being with what is alive and real in the moment. I am LOVING this season of parenting and so in love with my little fam.

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:23] Hey everybody. Yay. I'm so glad that you are tuning in today. I'm so glad I'm getting to hang out with you before the holiday. Or if you celebrate Hanukkah, then you are hanging out with me during your holiday. Thank you very much. I am just glad that I get to show up for you during this season. That can be full of a lot of feels right, A lot of feels.
[00:01:54] So let me just let you know straight off the bat where we're headed. Today we're gonna talk about the both and of the season and how it can feel magical. And overwhelming and all the things in that continuum. All at once. We're gonna explore how our kids, how our teens are actually using this break as their own personal laboratory for the skills they need as young adults.
[00:02:21] We can hold it as that we're gonna talk about. The language that shifts that can move you from exhausted cruise director to connected partner. Plus, we're gonna close with some powerful gratitude practices because we all need that. That is the essence of what life is about and how to live a good life is really leaning into gratitude.
[00:02:45] So as you tune in, if you're feeling the tension right now of the season, you might be. In that imagining of the break, wanting it to be restful and meaningful while also maybe feeling a little anxiety about the unstructured time, too much screens, or you know the sleeping until 2:00 PM Stay with me. This episode is for you.
[00:03:11] This episode's for you. So let's start by naming what's true. Holiday breaks can feel complicated, right? We might be imagining cozy movie nights and meaningful conversation around the dinner table. You as a parent might be longing for rest, for connection, for a pause from the relentless pace of the school routine.
[00:03:35] And you might also be feeling a little bit of dread, right? Like I mentioned, dread about that lack of structure. Worry about potential mood swings or irritability. Concern about your teen being in their room all day, only coming out for food before disappearing back into the continuous scrolling of the screens.
[00:03:57] So just to start us off, I'm gonna give you permission right now to hold it all the hope. The anxiety, the excitement, and the exhaustion, the desire for connection, and the very real possibility that your teen might just grunt at you for two weeks straight, right? This is the both, and this is holding those two truths at once, and it's okay.
[00:04:24] We can do it. And there's something else that we get to talk about here, something that might be sitting underneath all of these feelings, which is grief. Right. Grief might be alive for you during this period of time where you are getting messages from all different places around the celebration of the season, the magic of the season, you know, the holiday, the holy day of the season, and you might be navigating some significant grief, right?
[00:04:58] For some of you, for some of us this season can carry the weight of loss. Maybe you're missing someone who used to be at your holiday table. Maybe this is the first year that they won't be there. Maybe you're navigating the first holiday after a divorce or some other kind of major family change. Or maybe, and this one can sneak up on us, right?
[00:05:23] Maybe you are grieving the loss of a narrative that you were expecting. I love. Mentioning this. This is something that came up during, um, coaching week a couple weeks ago when I ran my coaching week program, which by the way was awesome and shout out to all of you that signed up and showed up and contributed to what a sweet and powerful experience that was.
[00:05:51] One of the members, one of the gals who came through the program mentioned this, that grief of. Recognizing it, and I think it really shows up during the teen years that we're holding a narrative of what it's gonna be like and perhaps there's, you know, intense disconnection or. Really tough challenges or struggles, and we have to kind of be with the fact that, man, this doesn't look like I thought it was gonna look and I'm feeling the loss of what I thought it was gonna look like, right?
[00:06:27] You thought the teen years would look different. You thought your family would feel different, you thought you'd be different. And being with how it is versus how we were expecting to be. It can bring up some real grief, so I wanted to highlight that as well. And I wanna ask you, how are you taking care of yourself?
[00:06:48] How are you allowing space for your feelings without letting them drown you? Who is on your speed dial? Because as we all know, we still have to show up for our kids, for our family. We're influencing our experience even when things don't look the way that we imagined, right? All of this is true, and the invitation here is really to acknowledge what's hard and to recognize where you have power, right?
[00:07:18] You get to decide how you wanna move through the season. And you get to choose how you show up, even when you can't control how everyone else is showing up, right. And what they're doing. And speaking of showing up, let's talk about what our teens are perhaps actually going to be doing during this break.
[00:07:41] So I mentioned that this can be like a laboratory of learning. So here's a perspective shift that might help be with what is your teen isn't just home from school during the break. They're actually in this low stakes learning environment, practicing essential skills that they need as they move towards young adulthood.
[00:08:05] So let's think about this. During the school year, their time is really structured for them, right? They have bells telling them when to move. Teachers directing their attention, and a schedule that dictates their entire day. But during a holiday break, like this break is unstructured time and managing unstructured time.
[00:08:27] Is a life skill. So when your teen is lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, seemingly doing nothing, they may actually be learning how to be with themselves. They're practicing identifying their own wants and needs without someone constantly directing them or perhaps. They're resting, right? Because all of that direction, it's exhausting when they say, I'm bored.
[00:08:54] That's not a personal attack on your parenting. That's them learning to problem solve. Boredom, to recognize that uncomfortable feeling. And figure out what to do about it. Right. When they're not automatically initiating connection with family. I mean, I literally just mentioned this to my daughter. I said, oh, you know, she's finished up a, uh, the fall quarter and her grandparents are supporting with tuition and some of the cost of college.
[00:09:23] And I was like. You know, make sure you reach out to Nana and grandpa and let them know your grades and, and a lot of gratitude. And she was looked at me and she was like, yeah, mom, I got it. I do that. Right. So we get to also recognize where we can pull back and trust them and. Trust that they are practicing that autonomy and learning to recognize when they need alone time versus when they want to engage, right?
[00:09:49] Either with the immediate family or with relatives. So, yeah, I think it's important to remember there's a lot going on. There's what we see. And then there's what's happening under the surface. This is a laboratory. This is a place of learning and growth, and it's messy. And it can feel uncomfortable for us as parents because we want to see the evidence, right?
[00:10:12] We want to see them making good choices or being productive using their time well, but this is practicing. Practicing is trial and error. It's exactly what they need. So our job. This holiday season isn't to be Julie from the Love Boat, right? Remember her? It isn't to be Cruise Director. We are not in charge of planning every moment and managing every feeling.
[00:10:40] Our job is to be the supportive presence, to be the sounding board, the safe place they can return to as they navigate. Their own experience. Right. And that doesn't mean we don't have some highlights or some structure to the day or some, you know, planning that we're doing with the family. But it does mean pulling back a little bit from that idea that it's up to us to make sure that they.
[00:11:10] Use this break any certain way. Right? And so one of the tools that we have for handing over that energetic responsibility for their experience is the language that we use. So language can really shift ownership. Right. So the words we choose either invite our teens into the ownership of their experience, or they keep us the parents stuck in that cruise Director role.
[00:11:37] So I'm gonna show you what I mean. So let's imagine that you're worried about your teens screen. Time over break, right? We can all kind of raise our hands like, yeah, nightmare. All in the same boat, friends all in the same boat. Those of you with younger teens and tweens, like hold off as long as possible.
[00:11:55] If you haven't entered into the personal phone device world, just don't do it. Go for the basic phone, keep it under. Wraps for as long as possible. Okay. Here's some common concerns that parents have, and I want you to notice your body as I say, things out loud. So take a minute, take a breath, and if it's safe for you to do, I encourage you to close your eyes and notice how these challenges or concerns make you feel Boredom.
[00:12:27] Sleeping past noon, not engaging with family or willing to plan, having no plans for the day, endless screen time, mood swings, irritability. So yeah, take a minute and just notice, my guess is you're nodding along with me. My guess is you're like, oh my gosh, is Casey in my head? We are all, this is common con.
[00:12:56] These are common concerns. These aren't just your concerns, right? Notice what's your instinct when you see these things happening, right? For most of us, we jump into manager mode with language such as, you need to get off your phone, right? You should go do something productive. You can't sleep all day. You need to spend time with the family.
[00:13:20] Notice what happens with this language when I say this at you. You need to get off your phone. You should go do something productive. You can't sleep all day. You need to spend time with family. It creates defensiveness. It creates a pulling back. Nobody wants that should, can't need to. It positions you parents as the authority.
[00:13:43] Who knows better the manager who's controlling their experiences, and then what does your team do? They shut down, they push back, they retreat further. You know, they might flip you off, right? This language puts all of the responsibility on you to fix it. You become the problem solver. The boundary enforcer, the bad guy, right?
[00:14:06] It's exhausting the person to avoid. Yeah. So now I'm gonna offer you some different language, right? And this all comes from a really awesome workshop that I did in the Living Joyful Courage. Membership group just this month. This was our workshop. We did a lot of this content and played in role plays and experiential activities around all of this.
[00:14:32] So shout out to my sweet, sweet inner circle of the Living Joyful Courage membership. This was really powerful and really useful. Okay, so language that invites curiosity and partnership instead of you need to get off your phone. You could try. Hey, you know what, I'm noticing that you've been on your phone a lot today.
[00:14:52] I am wondering how you're feeling about that, right? Instead of you should go do something productive, you could try, Hey, I'm curious, what would feel good for you to do right now instead of you can't sleep all day? Try. I'm wondering if sleeping until noon is working for you. Or if you're feeling kind of blah, when you wake up instead of you need to spend time with the family, try.
[00:15:21] I'd really love some connection time with you. What would that look like for you? That would feel good. I. Do you hear the difference? Can you hear the invitation? And if you noticed that as you listened, you also started thinking about, oh, why this language doesn't work for your teen. I want you to go back 30 seconds or a minute and listen to it again.
[00:15:43] Let go of. The Yeah. Buts and be in the experience of hearing the contrast because the, instead of language creates defensiveness positions you as the authority, makes them wanna shut down and puts all the responsibility on you to manage your teen. And how's that working out for you? Right. How does that feel?
[00:16:06] It's lame. It's, it's shitty, right? The try language, the, the offering that I'm inviting you into this curiosity. Positions you as a partner, it makes space for them to problem solve, and it shares the responsibility of what they've got going on. Right? And the more we can shift into that energy and into that mindset and into that role, the more our kids get used to self-management and being in the consideration of the curiosity.
[00:16:41] And doing the critical thinking, right? It's not so much, you know, just change your language and everything will be different, but it is really like shift the way that you're showing up, shift the role that you're taking in your kids' holiday break and see what becomes available when you're not the cruise director.
[00:17:04] Because when we use curiosity, when we use curious language, we're saying, Hey, you know what? I trust you to think about this. I'm here to support you, not control you. Let's figure it out together. It's really a beautiful thing because when teens feel trusted, when they feel like partners, rather than projects accepted rather than criticized, they're much more likely to actually engage with you.
[00:17:29] They're more likely to reflect on their choices and reflect on their options, and they're more likely to make adjustments. All right,
[00:17:46] so we started talking about that both end of the tension that comes with this time of year, and we reframed this break as this is still an opportunity for your kids to be developing skills. Even if it doesn't, you don't see the evidence right there at the surface. Break is absolutely an opportunity. And when we shift our language, we really nurture the environment for that opportunity of learning and growth and development.
[00:18:17] Alright, so the next place that I wanna take us, I wanna talk about having a vision. Having a vision for what you want, how you wanna feel, what you wanna bring to this holiday break. One of the most powerful things you can do heading into it is to get clear on what you want, what you want, not what you want your kids to do, but what you want for yourself.
[00:18:43] And your experience of this time. So it's about holding the spirit of intentionality, right? It's about recognizing where you have influence over your experience. Because while you can't control whether your teen wakes up cheerful or grumpy, you can control how you respond to it. The meaning that you make about it.
[00:19:09] You can't control whether they wanna engage with family, okay? But you can control the energy you bring to the table. This is where we practice letting go of control while still showing up with purpose. And it's where we generate gratitude and acceptance for what is not for what we wish it would be, but what actually is.
[00:19:35] So let me ask you, what do you want? Not a vague thing, like, oh, I just want a peaceful break, or I just want a happy family. Get specific. Do you want one meaningful conversation with your teen? Do you want more moments of laughter and lightness? Do you wanna feel less reactive in your body? Do you wanna prioritize your own rest?
[00:20:03] Get clear on what you want, write it down and put it somewhere where you can really hold it as your vision for this holiday break this season, and then this is magic. Invite your kiddo into a conversation about their vision too. And I have a bunch of questions. Okay. And here's the deal. The questions are not like, you don't need to barrage your kiddo with all these questions, but maybe listen for one or two that spark a moment of like, Ooh, yeah, that would be a great launching point of a useful, meaningful conversation.
[00:20:39] So some questions you can ask include, you know, what are you most looking forward to about this break? What are you worried about? What would make this time that your home from school feel good or successful to you? Are there things you wanna do together? Things that you want space for? Actually, I would say that what are the things you wanna do together and what do you need from me?
[00:21:06] I think this is a really useful question. What do you need from me during this break? What would be helpful? And then guess what? You get to share what you need too. So these questions, you know, they really do something useful, powerful. They position your teen as a capable person with thoughts and feelings that matter.
[00:21:30] They communicate to them. Your experience of this break matters to me, and we can co-create when you both have clarity about what you're hoping for, you can support each other in getting there. Right. Your team might say, you know, I just really wanna catch up on sleep and chill. And you can say, yeah, that makes sense.
[00:21:55] You've been working so hard since the beginning of the school year. I'd love to have breakfast together a couple of times, even if it's at noon. Can we make that happen? Partnership co-creation, not control, right? Look for those openings and make requests. And as I think about closing this year and heading into a new one, I wanna talk about one more essential practice, which I mentioned at the start, which is gratitude.
[00:22:21] Leaning into gratitude. Gratitude is not just about being thankful, I. It is a practice that literally rewires our brains. It helps us notice what is working and what is useful, even when so much feels can feel hard. And I know you're going through some stuff. I've been going through some stuff. We all have stuff, right?
[00:22:45] And as we close 2025 and head into 2026, I wanna invite you into a three-part gratitude practice gratitude in the eye. Gratitude in the we, gratitude in the all. I love looking through these lenses. So the I, the personal gratitude was starting off by looking at yourself and about your year. Think about all the ways that you've grown through what you've gone through this year.
[00:23:16] Maybe you've gotten, you know better at pausing before reacting. Maybe you've learned to apologize more quickly. Maybe you've discovered some new boundaries or learned how to advocate for your own needs. Maybe you're really practicing letting go of control. You've grown this year. No doubt. Name it.
[00:23:39] Acknowledge it. Be grateful for yourself and your willingness to continue to expand in all the ways that you do. Right? Personal gratitude. Start there and then the we. Gratitude for your relationship with your teen being in relationship and looking at our teens. Who are they right now? And for those of you that are listening who have older teens or young adults, same.
[00:24:05] Same you. You know, this is the useful for all of us. Who are parents with children in our life? Who are they right now? Not who you wish they were or who they're becoming, but who are they today? Maybe they're funny or resilient. Maybe they're figuring things out in their own way, in their own time. Maybe they're a little kinder than they used to be, or braver, or more honest, or more self-assured.
[00:24:34] Self-confident. Find the gratitude for those qualities that are showing themselves right now. And here's the important part. Share it with them. Tell them what you see. Name it. Name what you appreciate, not as a way to manipulate them into better behavior, but as a genuine acknowledgement of their humanity and their growth.
[00:24:59] Right. It's really special. It's really special. So finally, the all gratitude for your community, right? Looking at your micro community, who are the people, the spaces, the places outside of maybe your immediate family that have supported you and encouraged you this year? Maybe it includes a friend who always listens without judgment.
[00:25:24] Maybe it's your therapist or your parent coach. Maybe it's this podcast community or the Facebook group or your child's teacher who really gets them and is willing to share with you about them. So name that, name, all of that. Speak the gratitude out loud. Send the text, write the email. Let people know that they have made an impact on you, that they matter in your life.
[00:25:48] Because gratitude isn't just something we feel, it's something we practice. It's something we embody. And it's something that we extend out into the world. Absolutely.
[00:26:09] And speaking of gratitude, I want to close this podcast and this year because this is the last podcast of 2025, I'm gonna take the next two weeks off and show up shiny and new for you in the first Monday of January. So I'm closing the podcast for the next couple of weeks and taking a much needed break and rest and time with my family.
[00:26:34] But I wanna close by sharing my gratitude with you to the Joyful Courage podcast listener who show up, who shows up week after week. Thank you. Your engagement, your questions, your willingness to keep growing, offer feedback. It really fuels me and it fuels this work and it fuels the show. And I'm just, I love creating this podcast for you.
[00:27:02] I wanna give a shout out to the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group, the people that show up there and participate and encourage, and support, or ask questions. You are creating such a beautiful community of parents in that space, and I'm really, really grateful. I trust you and uh. I just really respect and trust the people in that space.
[00:27:30] So thank you and to my living joyful courage Inner circle members who are committed to their own growth. Some of you are finishing up this year and moving on. Some of you are carrying on with me. Some of you are new to this space. It is so encouraging and inspiring to be in relationship with all of you, to watch the ways that you are growing and evolving and changing and practicing what we talk about in the space.
[00:28:04] Super grateful. Grateful for everybody that showed up during coaching week, showed up fully, and of course, my one-on-one VIP clients. Who trust me with their most vulnerable moments and challenges. I'm so grateful that I get to hold space for you. Thank you. And of course, the incredible team at s Spreadable, uh, Juliet and Alana, walking this path with the two of them.
[00:28:33] Two make an impact on the world is just. Beyond words. So grateful for both of them and for Chris Mann. He is my podcast editor and I just, Chris, you are, you're the real MVP and I'm so thankful for you and our long time relationship. As this show has continued to grow and evolve, thank you for being my partner in that.
[00:29:01] And of course to my family. Right now, I've got Ian home from college and Rowan's brought her cat over and is spending multiple days with us and my husband's home. And we just had a trip to Fred Hutch to see his oncologist and his. You know, the medicine that he has for multiple myeloma is doing everything it's supposed to be doing, and his numbers look great, and his body's healing.
[00:29:26] And I'm just feeling so much gratitude, even with some of the really big, gnarly things that I've moved through over the last few months. Like all of it. Grateful for all of it, grateful for all of it, grateful for all of it. Grateful for the way my family loves me, even though I wanna coach them all the time.
[00:29:45] And I'm such a personal growth junkie. And. You know, they love me and they give me grace and accept me the way that I try to do the same for them. So love my family.
[00:29:57] Yeah. And I'm ready to close 2025 and show up to 2026 with even more intention, more compassion, and more commitment to supporting you as you navigate these beautiful, challenging adolescent years. Right. And it's funny, I started 2025, went out for New Years with good friends, and I got hooked on this. The language of 2020 Thrive like we're gonna thrive through this year.
[00:30:25] And I'll tell you what, this year's kind of been a kick in the ass, not lie, did not feel very thrive. But today, in this moment, as I record for you, I feel it, and I'm feeling great about transitioning out of this year and into a new year. Super excited. So as you head into this break, remember, hold the both and trust the learning and growth that's happening.
[00:30:50] Shift your language into curiosity, right? Hold that vision. Practice gratitude. I'm so grateful to be here right now, recording for you. I believe in you. You've got this. I'm right here with you. Soon you're gonna get some encouragement to consider joining that Living Joyful Courage Inner Circle membership.
[00:31:11] So that'll start at the beginning of January. It's a sweet space, you guys. It's a sweet, sweet, sweet space. But yeah, take the next couple weeks. Enjoy your family, enjoy yourself, take care of you, and I'll see you in the new year. Be well. Take care.
[00:31:34] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps.
[00:31:58] Other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.