Eps 640: Relationship Reset with your Teen

Today joyful courage is stepping into my fullest self as I spend time with my family of origin. Joyful courage is letting go of the long held stories of judgement and self worth and leaning into love.

Want more support with resetting your relationship? Go to https://www.besproutable.com/explore/ to book a free call.

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. So honored that you're here and listening, please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate. And review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:23] Hey. Hey everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. I am so glad that you are listening. Today is a solo show, just you and me, my friend, and I'm really glad to just be here, you and me. Feels like it's been a minute since it's just been us. Uh, before I get into the content, I wanna say thank you to everyone who has reached out to let me know that they appreciate that I've been vocal about what's going on around the country the past few weeks.
[00:01:56] Like I mentioned last week before my interview with Allison Schafer, I know you don't tune in here for my opinion on politics, but it does feel irresponsible not to use my voice and platform to encourage you to use the voice. You have to stand up to the pain and suffering being inflicted on our streets.
[00:02:16] So. Our pushback is making a difference. Keep it up and yes, you are. So welcome. For last week's show, my conversation with Allison about talking to our kids and taking on the madness and the darkness that we're seeing with some inspired action. However, that looks. It was so helpful for me and I've heard from so many of you that you felt the same way.
[00:02:42] So let's just stay strong, keep the pressure on, and keep love and kindness and peace and possibility in our hearts. Okay? Alright, so this week's content is inspired. Was inspired by conversations that I've been having with some of my clients and. You know, the challenges that we're facing with our teens fall on a spectrum of hard, right, and everybody is experiencing their own version of what's hard.
[00:03:13] So first and foremost, I wanna say we're not in any kind of competition here for who's having a harder time. It's all hard. It can all feel hard. And I know from my own experience and from my work with parents that things can get to a point where you feel like you've moved from, you know, I'm just putting out the fires.
[00:03:38] To living with a wildfire in your home. It can feel like that, and the stress might be through the roof. Communication can feel impossible. Shoes are dropping everywhere. I have parents who tell me that they feel like they're walking on eggshells so much of the time. Blow ups aren't the norm, and maybe even those blowups are destructive, and that sense of urgency to do something.
[00:04:05] Is overwhelming. Does this sound familiar? Does this sound familiar to you? Is this what it's like in your home some of the time or most of the time I see you, I truly see you. That sense of things being out of control. The worry that they'll never get it together and be able to live a healthy life, I get that fear.
[00:04:26] I get that urgency. You are not alone feeling like there's no relationship, like there's. They only calm down and are respectful when they want something from you. Yeah, it's all real. And you're not alone in this. I've been talking to multiple clients about this exact situation over the last couple weeks as they were talking and I was listening.
[00:04:51] I could feel this unspoken plea coming from them. Like, what do I do? What do I do? I find my own nervous system heightened as I listen to the parents that I serve. I always wanna be helpful to them, of course, and they're paying me to do just that, to be helpful. And you know, I am considering all the tools from positive discipline and what I can share with them.
[00:05:17] But what I know is. I'm listening to my clients and what they need most is a reset. So we talk about relationship here, right? When I have a client who has what feels like an out of control team, and they also have times when things feel really connected with them, I'm encouraged because it's like, okay, there's room for validation and curiosity and problem solving when everybody's regulated.
[00:05:45] This is. The relational space that we need to work towards turning the ship, but some of my clients express that their relationship is ruptured. They've had massive or many massive blowups, and they feel like there's no way in like the wall has been built and they've lost all connection. Here's the truth that I stand by without relationship.
[00:06:12] It is nearly impossible. To have any influence or impact you can make threats. Yeah, you can take things away. You can make your response match the intensity of your teen's challenging behavior. But are you helping them see themselves or are you just keeping yourself in the role of adversary and keeping them stuck in the loop of why you the parent are actually the problem.
[00:06:49] So as I was talking to clients this week, I was trying to talk about the idea of a relationship reset, a pause. I said, what if there isn't anything for you to do right now, but to disengage and let time and space do some of the healing work for you? And I thought about this analogy. When we break a bone in our body, what happens?
[00:07:17] Well, we go to the doctor and the doctor puts a cast around the bone to hold it steady, and that's it. You wait. You keep the weight off, you can't use it. You rest those initial weeks. After a break, you simply immobilize the bone and trust. That it is healing, that immobilization is healing the bone inside the cast, and eventually you're ready to take the cast off and get some pt, right?
[00:07:49] So what if that's what we did with our relationships with our teens when things feel hard, really hard, right? When the relationship is ruptured, when we feel like we are enemy number one. What if we put an energetic cast around the relationship to give it time and space to heal, to give it a rest? What does this look like?
[00:08:13] Right? Well, I think it starts with you. Meaning you are doing your own work around making sense of what is real and alive for you. Right? Now you, with you, here's what's true. Your teen is struggling. You are a part of the dynamic. You have influence. You're influencing it right now. You are remembering that they're making meaning and forming beliefs about the role you are taking.
[00:08:42] They might be thinking things like you don't know, you don't care. You don't get it. You parent, you're always to blame. You're always blaming me. I'll show you. I can do what I want. Right? This is perhaps. The mindset that your teens have, you may be in beat up mode, blaming yourself, feeling like you failed, feeling like you're the only one who has no control of their teen, or a teen who's clearly struggling, right?
[00:09:11] Sit with that. Yes, all of it may be true, and you get to decide and believe that you can shift the energy. You can do the work to shift the energy. I know you love your kiddo, even if they're hard to, like right now, I know you want what's best for them, even as you also fantasize about when they aren't in the house anymore, right?
[00:09:37] You get to decide and believe that you can shift the energy. So again, that first step, tending to yourself, sitting with yourself for a while and tending to your nervous system, tend to your anxiety and stress. Give yourself the gift of attention and connection, whatever this looks like for you. For me, it's regular time, sitting quietly and anchoring into my breath.
[00:10:06] It's movement. That looks like maybe going to the gym or maybe just going for a walk, right? Whatever this looks like for you. Is great, right? For me, it's also pouring out what's spinning in my mind into a journal. I find peace in writing. You get to do what works for you. You with you tending to, you tend yourself into believing that things can be different.
[00:10:34] Tend yourself into trusting and having faith that things can change and that everyone will be okay. Visualize your teen as a self-sufficient young adult, handling the twists and turns of life. Visualize you and your teen having a relationship that is connected and supportive. Right. So that's step one.
[00:11:01] Step two, disengage with your teen. Disengage with them for a period of time, right? Let go of thinking you have to do something, and instead be in your own creation of peace. Quit letting the condition. Of your teen's behavior dictate how you're feeling. This is big. I'm gonna say that again. Quit letting the condition of your teen's behavior dictate how you're feeling.
[00:11:28] Listen, I know that's a big invitation, but it's also a huge gift to your teenager. Think about it. They're clearly having a hard time, challenging behavior isn't casual. There's beliefs behind the behavior that you're seeing. Teens can form mistaken ideas about us, about themselves, about how to get a sense of belonging and significance, and it looks like the behavior that you're seeing.
[00:11:54] They're angry, they're hurting, they're deeply discouraged, and they feel like they can't do anything right? So why try? They've lost trust in you as an ally and the weight of your anger and disappointment and fear, all of that is just adding to what they're already moving through. So release them from the responsibility of being in charge of how you feel.
[00:12:19] I know it's hard, but it's also huge. It's major. Cut the energetic cord, not because you don't care, but because you do care. When you tend to your own peace, you can show up better for your struggling teen. You can show up whole and not needing anything from them. You show up with faith and understanding that they're moving through something and that you believe that it's temporary.
[00:12:46] They need you. I've said this before. A lot of times they need you to have faith in them so that they can have faith in themselves. This is what will begin to heal your relationship with your team. Your work with you and how you are responding to the situation. This is the work immobilize the relationship for a bit to let the healing begin.
[00:13:10] So what do you do? What do you say? Right? Okay. We're doing the work with us, so it's layered, right? We're taking care of ourselves, and we might say something like, Hey, I love you, and things feel really out of control. I've been overly invested in everything that you do. We've been fighting. Our relationship feels really hard.
[00:13:32] I'm gonna pull back for a bit. I'm gonna give you some space so that we can each take care of ourselves. And just give all this angst arrest. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here. I'm just gonna disengage. I'm gonna disengage in the fight because I believe in you and in us. And I think that what we need most is a reset.
[00:13:52] Right? And how might they respond? You know, they might say, fuck you, leave me alone. Right? They might be like, well, we'll see. Right? Heard it all before you might get an eye roll. You might just get silence. It doesn't matter how they respond. The reset isn't for them. It's for you. It's for the relationship.
[00:14:12] They don't have to get it. They don't have to understand it. They don't have to believe you. You just get to follow through with what you say you're gonna do and offer some distance. Let their narrative be their narrative. This isn't a ploy. This isn't a trick. This is about real time to heal, time to reset and create something different.
[00:14:35] Keep making dinner. Keep taking opportunities to smile at them. Acknowledge them. You're not ignoring them. That's not what this is about. Even though they may be ignoring you, you're just creating that cast, that energetic cast around the relationship so the rest can do its work. And you might be like, okay, well how long do we do this?
[00:15:00] There's no easy answer here. You get to really tune into the shared energy. Notice when things begin to soften. Notice when they are a bit more willing to engage just at the surface level. Notice when doors to connection feel like they're beginning to open up. Pay attention to your teen and also pay attention to yourself.
[00:15:26] Notice how you're feeling. Notice when you are tipping into creating your own peace. Right? Notice when it's easier to have faith. That you're all moving through something that's a growth mindset. Notice when you've shift out of the idea that we're just stuck here, 'cause that's fixed mindset. You wanna be in growth mindset.
[00:15:49] So this could take a few days, it could take a few weeks. When you feel that opening, step in with some connection, step in with curiosity about their life. No agenda. You've released them from being responsible for how you feel, and now you're simply looking to create and nurture connection. Creating peace and calm for yourself means that you get to bring that to any bids for connection you're making.
[00:16:24] You get to bring that into the relationship and if they're still angry. And they're still defensive. Okay, pull back a bit. Keep doing the internal work for yourself. The healing needs a bit more time before you come in with that pt, right? They aren't ready yet, but keep having faith that they will be, keep having that faith.
[00:16:45] And what if during this time they continue to get into mischief and get into trouble? Well, two things, and I've already mentioned one of them. Decide what you will do and follow through. And really work to hand over the energetic responsibility. So maybe the situation that you're handling is, they're late for school, they're ditching class, school drama, right?
[00:17:09] So it could sound something like, Hey, I just wanna let you know that I'm gonna let you handle the tardies and the absent alerts that I get when you miss school. I leave at eight in the morning and I'm happy to drive you when you're ready. And then the alerts come, they aren't ready. You hand over that energetic responsibility and you do what you say you're gonna do, right?
[00:17:33] You leave at eight or you don't bring up the alerts. Or maybe, you know, I, what I used to do is just copy and paste. I would just forward the alerts from the school to my son and say, Hey, looks like you got a tardy. You may wanna follow through on that with your teacher. Or the school office, I believe in you right?
[00:17:56] So maybe the issue is that they're flailing, their grades are dropping, right? So it could sound like, Hey, so I know that I've been really on your case about your grades. We've been really getting into it, and I'm gonna let go of that because these are your grades and I have faith in you to create what you want with school and and to get out of it, what you wanna get out of it, and to get to where you wanna go.
[00:18:20] And if you need help, if you feel like you're underwater, I'm happy to support you. But your grades, your performance at school, that's that's yours. That's for you. And then follow through by staying out of the portal right, and truly handing it over to them.
[00:18:45] Maybe you've got kiddos who are showing up and you know that they're using substances, and that's super scary. I'm not gonna pretend it's not. So what you can say in that case is, listen, it scares me that you are using substances and if they're driving age, I'm gonna hold onto the car keys for now. Until I know you're making safe choices behind the wheel, I do believe that you wanna live a good and healthy life, and I'm open to hearing about whatever's going on with you whenever you're interested in sharing.
[00:19:19] I love you. And then take the keys and take care of yourself, right? None of these are about creating a power struggle. All of these are about handing over that energetic responsibility. And you might be thinking, Casey. God, it feels like we're letting them get away with all of this. It feels like we're letting them crash and burn.
[00:19:41] I know it's torture, but without relationship you have no influence anyway. And if you keep the night dynamic as you holding yourself, as being the one responsible for your teen's behavior, they aren't getting the chance to feel that responsibility. And aren't they already crashing and burning? Right.
[00:19:59] They need to feel the tension of their choices from life and the world. They need you to be the person that has faith in them. They need you to be who they come to for help. And if you are the one that's creating all the tension, you become the enemy. And now they're out there flailing on their own. So the path forward, yes.
[00:20:23] Check in when things are calm enough and let them know, like I said, that you're pulling back. Make sure the message of love gets through. And then let the reset the cast support in mending the tear in the relationship, right? Let it support you. Let yourself lean into this reset and this rest. 'cause you need it as much as your team needs it.
[00:20:49] And then, like I said, start leaning into connection. Make amends if you need to. Reflect on how it feels better to take care of yourself and having faith that your teen is doing the same. Start baby steps. Start requesting a little bit of time together. No need to dive into deep and meaningful conversations.
[00:21:12] Just share some space. Invite them to cook with you. Ask to, you know, watch their favorite show with them. Invite them to go with you to the grocery store, right? Make those bids for connection and be okay with them not being interested. Keep inviting them in. Be curious about their life, their interests.
[00:21:36] Not overly curious, not desperate, but just look for those openings. Keep it light and slowly. As you feel the relationship mending, you can get into that deeper stuff, but always with curiosity, always to lean into curiosity and to learn more about your teen and their thinking, and not coming from a place of lecturing or telling them what you think, right?
[00:22:07] Eventually you can ask, Hey, can I offer something or can I share what I think? You know that the space that's being nurtured is safer for your teen when they say yes. You know that trust is being built when they do want to hear what you think.
[00:22:28] You've got this. Okay. Again, I see you. I see inside of what's hard. I've been inside of what's hard. I'm confident that what I've offered here today is useful to you. And if you have questions, if you have more questions or you want more clarification about all of this, reach out. You can email me [email protected], or you can book a free 15 minute call at bs spreadable.com/explore.
[00:22:57] I know that this is' easy work. This is deep work. This invitation is me inviting you into a space that might be unfamiliar. Because when we lecture, when we meet them with our own anger, it can feel like we're doing something. It can feel like, well, at least I'm not, you know, like I said, letting them get away with something.
[00:23:19] But is it about not letting them get away with things, or is it about supporting them in their critical thinking about. How they are responding to their life. To me, that's what matters most. I want my kids to be critical thinkers. I want them to understand that they are the designers of their life, that they have agency, that they feel empowered.
[00:23:44] That they can change things that they can shift. You know, that's what I want most for them. I don't wanna be in charge of their life. I want them to take charge of their life. So here is one opportunity for us to, like I said, put the cast on, let it heal our relationship so that we can rebuild some influence, we can rebuild that space that feels safe and nurturing and helpful to them.
[00:24:12] All right. You aren't alone. You aren't alone. Other parents are moving through the same thing, and I've got you put on the cast. Trust the healing right? Trust the process and really have faith. Everything's gonna be okay. I see you. I've got you. Believe in yourself, believe in your teen, and I'll see you next time.
[00:24:39] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps.
[00:25:04] Other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.