ShareHomework Battles: The 5 Step Reset
Do you dread the after school show down? When you ask whether they have any homework while preparing for battle? Or maybe it is after the sports and activities in the evening when everyone is tired and you find yourself nagging, pleading, bribing and finally yelling for them to finish the assignment? Or the Sunday scaries when the project you had no idea about is suddenly due tomorrow and your kiddo is having a melt down because they are so overwhelmed?
None of this feels good. The power struggles, the arguing, and especially seeing your child struggle to complete something that “should” be simple, or at least shouldn’t take as long as it does.
I wish they would just sit down and DO it!
They spend more time complaining and stalling and whining than the time it actually takes to just finish it!
How did we get to this? We made a plan! We had a routine!
You are NOT alone. I coach families all over the country and worked in schools for many many years and this is so common – even with my own kids! There are many different reasons we can end up in these homework battles:
- Our kids are wiped at the end of the day. They are craving fresh air, rest, play, creativity. Homework is just an extension of school in their mind and they have hit their max, regardless of the level.
- The homework itself IS too hard for them. Or too easy. Or not stimulating enough. It doesn’t make sense to do something just to “practice” grit and work ethic.
- They don’t feel enough autonomy or control. They feel bossed around at school and now they feel bossed around at home.
Sometimes it’s all three. Regardless, you are in a pattern of behavior and relationship that needs a good old shake up. Yes, that’s right, as parents, WE can change up our language and energy and see what it invites. So where to start?
Step One: Remember your why.
What is the goal here? Is it to reinforce academic content? Build reading fluency? Grow grit? Get in the habit of taking care of business even when your tank is empty? This is important because it is unique to your child and family values. If there isn’t a reason or purpose, there is no investment in change. Wanting kids to have the same priorities as adults is not realistic, so get into your child’s shoes for this step.
Step Two: Reconnect through curiosity
I love this step because actually there is not much “to do.” Outside of the homework “time” ask your child when would be a good time for them to go on a walk with you or have a cocoa chat. When you are physically together during that time, let them know you love them, literally, and that you see them working hard – at life! Get curious and ask them what they are noticing about the homework time. Stay curious and LISTEN. Without judgment!
Step Three: Take responsibility
After listening to what they have to say, take responsibility for your part of the issue. It might sound like: “I have noticed that we are really locking heads around homework. This doesn’t feel good for me and I am sure it doesn’t feel good for you. I want to take responsibility for nagging you and being unkind when I raise my voice and compare you to others.” As much as you want to hear what THEY take responsibility for, don’t push it. This is about change, not revenge.
Step Four: Brainstorm solutions
Let them know you want to try something new and shake it up. This part is not DECIDING anything. Just the act of brainstorming already shifts energy and is building life skills : problem solving, communication, self awareness. Consider sensory issues, timing, environment, academic levels, etc. Throw it all in the soup.
Step Five: Let go of the timeline… and the outcome
I save this step for last because it is the hardest. Just like anything we are helping our children learn, they are on their OWN trajectory. Whatever new agreement or routine or shake up you decide on in the end, that is the first version. There will be more pilots and versions, because you are both human and both evolving. Continue to stay solution-focused as you scaffold and give them stronger supports so you can eventually back off.
There are no deadlines or finish lines, only relationships and skill building.
When you zoom out, a homework reset isn’t really about worksheets or spelling lists—it’s about the relationship you’re building with your child and the skills they’re growing along the way. By remembering your why, reconnecting with curiosity, owning your part, and co-creating a plan, you’re sending a powerful message: We are on the same team. And by letting go of rigid timelines and perfect outcomes, you’re modeling the very flexibility, resilience, and emotional regulation you want for them.
Connection over control
This reset is not a one-time fix—it’s a process, an experiment, and sometimes a do-over. But every time you choose connection over control, you’re shifting the dynamic and giving your child what they need most: a safe, supported place to try, fail, try again, and slowly build confidence. Homework will still have its bumps—of course it will—but now you have a framework that centers relationship, respects autonomy, and invites growth. And that changes everything.
Comments