Eps 109: Learning How to be a More Conscious Parent by Tuning in to Our Body

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Joy, joyful courage parenting podcast episode 109,

Hey everybody, welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer and parent coach. I am thrilled that you are listening in. Thank you, all of you who are super fans of the show, who send me messages and emails and posts on social media about what you're taking away. I so love to hear about that. That's really what lets me know that this show is a success. I can sometimes slip into the numbers game, and I want to see how many downloads things have gotten. And really, what fills my soul and what really is more solid feedback than any numbers is knowing when you have found value in the show. So thank you keep doing that, and for those of you that are new listeners, welcome if this is your first show, shout out to you. Thank you so much for tuning in. Super grateful that you're checking it out. If you find yourself laughing or taking notes, or, you know, wanting to write things down, excited about what you hear on the show today. Do me a favor and pay it forward. Share this episode with one person that you know will benefit from it. Just one. I'm just gonna say one today. Just find one person and say, oh my gosh, I listened to this podcast today, and I think you'll love it. You should check it out. And if your friend is like, what's a podcast? You can say, oh, it's like a radio show here. Let me see your phone and then show them. Show them how to listen. Your sharing is the reason that I'm able to show up and do what I do for you each week, and it's an honor. So you all know that not only am I a podcast host, I am also a podcast listener, and I want to share some of the amazing shows that I listen to you too, with you this week I am sharing in her voice, which is a show that's hosted by my friend Kelly covert. Kelly and I met last spring in an online program, and she invited me to come on her show. You may have seen me promote it. A lot of you listen to it and have shared how powerful it was. We talked about surrender. Kelly and I were roommates a few weeks ago at the Podcast Movement conference in Anaheim, and confirmed that we were, in fact, soul sisters. It was awesome. And the work she does, the message that she spreads, is really, really powerful. It's all about women listening to their inner voice, and I have her here to share with you why she podcasts.

Speaker 1 3:13
Hey there you guys. My name is Kelly covert, and I am the host of in her voice, a podcast about listening and living by your inner voice. I interview women of all walks of life, and I do some solo shows of my own about this idea of tapping into our inner wisdom, that place inside of us that has all the answers, that place inside of us that will tell us every single day you are worthy, and that's what I'm passionate about, helping women step into that worthiness regardless of where you are on your journey, even if you haven't lost the last 10 pounds or you're not where you are in your work or parenting. This is about owning your worthiness every day and then taking the inspired action that your heart is asking you to take. So pop on over. Take a listen to in her voice and let me know what you think. See you soon.

Casey O'Roarty 4:13
Check out Kelly's Show at www dot Kelly covert.com or find in her voice on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. Okay? So, you know how it is to be a parent, right? I mean, we are on a collective journey. I say that a lot, we might have different flavors, right? We might have different flavors to our challenges, but really, the challenges of childhood are pretty common, right? They whenever I stand in front of a group of parents and say, What are your daily challenges, we make a list. And guess what? It's always the same list every time, every time. Yeah, so we're all in this together, and you are always the best you can be with the tools that you have, right? And then you get to the breaking point and you snap. I think this is a really painful journey for those of us that have chosen into conscious parenting, for those of us that have chosen into positive, gentle parenting, whatever you want to call it, but when we've made the decision to show up for our kids and be in our own emotional regulation, and then we snap. We feel pretty shitty about that. We feel pretty bad about that. And maybe, you know, after those moments, you spend some time thinking, well, if my kid would just.dot.or if my partner would just.dot.or if people weren't such idiots, then dot, dot dot, right? We go through this process of blaming others for our meltdowns. I love there's a, like, a cartoon clip that's online that was sharing, you know, moving around Facebook for a while. It was Brene Brown talking about spilling her coffee and somehow finding a way to blame her husband for it. It cracks me up, and I'll be sure to link it in the show notes, because it's a pretty powerful visual for how we do this, how we go into blame. And then, you know, maybe you hop on social media and you see all the posts of your friends or public posts of people that you don't even know, and they're sharing about how much they love their family and their life and how they are literally leaving rainbows and glitter behind every time they use the bathroom, right? They paint this picture of just joy and love and awesomeness, and you're in this place of kind of resentment and anger, and now all of a sudden, not only are you resenting your family, you have added friends and people that you might follow but don't actually know into your pool of you suck. I hate you, right? So, and then sometimes you know, slowly those bad feelings that you're harvesting because of your emotional dysregulation, those bad feelings can start to turn towards you, right, or maybe you're somebody that skips the blame of others and goes straight to you, right and and really it's that conversation that we can have in our minds about how we are terrible, conversations about how We've yet again, failed to keep it together and how we've we're ruining our children, and we're unworthy to be a parent or a partner or, you know, a human on this Earth.

This is typically also where old stories show up, right by old stories, I mean like messages and conditioning that maybe occurred in your history, so things like you're bad, you're useless, you're a pest, you're too shy, you're too outgoing. You should be quiet. You should be less emotional. You should stop being such a drama queen. You should be so sensitive. And really, I mean, the list goes on and on, right, I can add to that. And inside of this list is a mindset of unworthiness, a belief about not being enough, and if you aren't paying attention, the voice becomes your truth. We really we start to believe this voice. I am a drama queen, right? That's one that I kind of struggle with. So sometimes, if I'm having a problem in my marriage or with people's people in my family of origin, that's typically where it lives for me. I before I speak up for myself, I have I tend to go to this place of like, is this just me being am I just being dramatic? Or am I just, you know, creating a problem that doesn't really exist? Is this my fault, right? And that can hinder me, that can hinder me from actually speaking my truth and solving my problems. And we all have those things, right? We all have those things. We're too big for the room, or we're too this, or we're too that. We're not enough, right? And maybe, you know, maybe it's not like this overwhelming feeling. Maybe it's just like, Why? Why is the pendulum? Why does the pendulum swing so wide? Right? Maybe we can move into contentment and live in contentment for a while, and then some. Thing happens, something happens in our life, and that pendulum swings all the way over into deep resentment and misery and suffering. Right? We believe these old stories, these old messages that aren't necessarily right in front of us all the time, but they have creeped into the foundation of who we believe we are, and they're pretty dormant most of the time, right until we have these big moments where we're questioning ourselves, or we're going for a big promotion, or we want to speak our truth, and they can get in our way. If any of this resonates with you, just know that I'm speaking into it because I want to be sure to let everyone know that you're not alone in this, right? So today I want to speak into the first step for shifting our experience, and that is becoming more mindful of what is happening when it's happening, right? So you've heard me talk about the emotional freight train, and I'm super excited. Side note, I am writing a book, and it's going to be all about the emotional freight train. So you're going to hear me speak into this stuff a lot this fall as I'm writing the content for the book. So being mindful of what's happening when it's happening, knowing that you're on the emotional freight train when you're on it, right? And if you've listened to my shows, this is going to sound familiar, because this is also how I'm going to also speak into some ways that I typically encourage you to support your kids. So the first thing that we need to do is to start paying more attention to our body, right? Just like we ask our kids when they have a big emotional experience, that question of once they've calmed down, you know, once they're in the green zone, like Tina Bryson talked about on Episode 100 once everybody's in the green zone, then we can have conversation around, gosh, what did you notice about your body? What did you how did it feel inside your body, before you hit your brother or set your homework on fire. Little shout out to my mama, who wrote in for Episode 1057107,

Unknown Speaker 12:30
sorry about that. So

Casey O'Roarty 12:32
paying attention to our body is actually a tool that all humans could access more of, and it would. It's very helpful. Your body is giving you signals and wisdom all the time. Many of us just ignore it, right? We've been conditioned to ignore our body until we are literally doubled over in pain. We're literally doubled over in pain, and it's like, oh gosh, I guess I better do something about this, right? But there's all sorts of subtle messages that our body gives us that are super helpful, and really it's like a tap on the shoulder, like, Hey, pay attention. So that's what I'm doing right now. I am inviting you to stop ignoring your body and to pay attention. People. Pay attention. Our body speaks to us in so many useful ways, and unlike that self defeating voice in our head that's been developed over time that tells us we're too big, too small, too loud, too quiet, too whatever, not enough unworthy, the feedback our body gives us is neutral, right? It's not, it's not a beat up, it's just a hey, something's happening here, kind of thing, right? So the best example I can give about this is when we when you have that like tingling belly sensation, butterflies in your belly, and it can happen in a variety of settings, it feels the same, right? So imagine, my first example would be like, imagine that you're in the parking lot of an amphitheater or a music venue, and you're walking towards the front door, you've got a ticket in your hand for your favorite band, right? You get to go see them play. Your belly is tingling. You're so excited, right? That feeling, do you know I'm talking about? I know you talk, you know what I'm talking about, or that feeling of, you know you're getting ready to speak to a room full of people about something that you're deeply passionate about, right? You're gonna share about something that matters to you, and your belly is tingling, the butterflies are there. You're nervous, right? You're nervous. Or another scenario is, you know, it's an hour past curfew, and you're. Teenager isn't home and isn't responding to your texts. Whoa, we haven't had that yet. Your belly is tingling, and what's inside is fear, right? So the tingling belly is just a signal for us to check in. What's happening right now? Right in the first example, checking in. In that scenario, walking in to a night of good music, check in. Remind yourself to soak it all up like there's going to be so much goodness. Be in the moment. Feel grateful for the special opportunity to be able to watch your favorite band creating music in front of you. Can you tell I'm a live music lover? I am in the second example, the tingling belly is a signal. Can be a signal for us to just check in on our nerves. Ground ourselves right, ground ourselves in the present moment. Trust ourselves be in our why of passion, so that we can invite the audience into that, so we can give them the most expansive experience that we can so checking in, right? And finally, the third example, the third example that tingling belly could be a message to recognize where the fear is coming from, right? I think that you know that third anytime we're in fear that can kind of cloud our vision, we go into all the what if scenarios. It's not helpful. It's not helpful to be afraid in that moment. So the tingling belly is like, Hey, pay attention, breathe. Open up to all the possibilities, remembering that teenagers push boundaries, and when she does walk in the door, you're going to be more mindful around how you can show up for her in a way that serves you both, right. I, you know, and this fear one I was just, you know, I talked to clients all the time about while they were running in the road, and I grabbed him, and then I yelled at him, and then, you know, we fall into fear with our kids, and then we move from that place, and what we say or do isn't necessarily helpful, right? It's not necessarily helpful to our children. I

so we want to be helpful and not hurtful. And when fear shows up, you know, that's a big that's a big emotion to recognize. Of course, we're going to be afraid. It's not like you're bad. Don't be afraid. Yes, fear can exist, right? As we're saying, I'm so glad that you are home now. I was really worried, especially when you didn't respond to my texts. Let's talk about curfew in the morning, right? That's allowing you and your child to maintain relationship, and then for both of you to get a good night's sleep so that you can problem solve in the morning, so it clears the fog, right? And that starts with our belly, with that little tingling sensation that in the the tension, or the the rigidity that can show up if we can release that, right? And that's what we're going to talk we're going to talk about releasing that. So to me, the body is simply saying, hey, hey, pay attention, so that we can pause and go in and find that there are so many creative, powerful ways of looking at the challenge we're having, and there's so many possibilities. So back to the beginning of what I started with. We are solid with our kids, right? We're using our tools. Maybe they're pushing back and pushing back and it's annoying, but we are centered. We are conscious parents. We are doing what we need to do. And then they say, I hate you, right? I hate you blame beat up, show up. We're in it. We're allowing the negative self talk to take us back to those messages that don't serve us. And our bellies are tight. Our bellies are tingling. Okay? Our bellies are tight. So there's that, there's that signal right, check in what's going on. Maybe we find this old, old feelings around rejection. Maybe there's some old rejection, hurt that still exists for the little girl, the little boy, that lives inside of us. So when we heard, I hate you, that's when that you know, and we receive that from our child, it's the final straw that flipped us from skilled, emotionally regulated parents to crazy, mean mom on the train struck that rejection cord, and we have flipped right now. Maybe for you, there isn't you don't have feels around rejection. Maybe you have something else that's the big trigger. I. Do you ever notice that that some things trigger you know, there's things that can roll off your friends backs that really bother you, and then vice versa. So again, we're going to turn to our bodies. We're going to shift starting there. So put your hands on your belly and breathe in. And if you are moved to do this while you're listening great, visualize the tension leaving with every exhale. Let your shoulders come down and back and open your heart, releasing your jaw, maybe even finding some movement in your hips and your torso. Because as we shift the experience we have in our body, we can shift the conversation we're having in our mind. We can open up to possibility, to the possibility that we are the perfect parent or partner or human for the life we are living. We are imperfectly perfect. This is the journey. Even when we snap, we can clean up our mess, and that's part of it. So I recently led a webinar in my membership program. We are talking about resiliency this month. That's our theme, and one of the slides said the path is in the practice. We're on this path in all of our moments, in all of the messy times, in that really centered, conscious, connected time. It's all a part of the path, if we choose in the practice isn't about being a conscious parent. 24/7 my guess is that even the conscious parenting guru, Dr Shefali would agree with me here. The practice is about moving towards conscious parenting as often as we can, and that just means that when the shit hits the fan, we see that the shit has hit the fan, and we clean up our mess. We make amends, right? Just like I spoke about with Kristen hovius on Episode 104 we make repairs. We make things right with our kids. The path is in the practice right? All of it is part of the path. Every single moment, every single choice that we make, every single time that we're not in our conscious mind, we're in our emotional mind, and we fall apart. That's part of our path, too. And then the recovery gets to show up. So can you tell I love this. I love talking about this. I hope that it's helpful, and I hope that you are hearing me say that I'm with you. I'm on the path as well. I'm in this practice. All the parents that choose into my work, they're all in this practice. All of you, I know you are in this practice. So be in it, right. Commit to it and play with paying attention to your body. That's my invitation for you today. Okay, so if you are interested in going further with this, with what I've spoken about on today's show, if you are interested in spending the day with a group of mamas that are deep, diving into the purpose of their parenting, journey into their path, messy and all. I really invite you to check out a mother's journey to joyful courage. So this is a live workshop that I'm doing in the Pacific Northwest this fall, starting in Bellingham on September 24 then in Seattle on October 7, Portland, october 22 and Boise, November 4. It is a six hour workshop, and I am so excited now. Of course, my phone is ringing Nice. So I'm so excited about the workshop. The training room, in and of itself, is going to be a powerful space for transformation. You will be transformed. Yes, you will walk away with tools and practices, not only for deepening relationship with your kids, like the parenting piece, but also tools and practices for really going inside and shifting the experience that you're having in your life. It's a celebration, it's a sisterhood. It's going to be juicy and wonderful, and it's also going to be followed up by three, no, I'm sorry, four weeks of facilitated group calls. So not only are you going to have this powerful experience in the room, you're also going to have the opportunity to. Supported in the weeks that follow in integrating the work that you have. So check it out at www, dot joyful courage.com/ mother's journey. Www, dot joyful courage.com/ mother's journey. You can get more information. There's frequently asked questions, and you can register there. I'm so excited to meet you and to have you in the room with me.

Thank you for listening to the show. I'm so happy to show up for you each week. Next week, you'll be hearing me speak with Alison Smith of Allison Smith coaching about how to look for the need that is showing up underneath our children's behavior. I know you're going to take away so much from that conversation, so check it out next week. Are you listening to the podcast through the website, or are you a subscriber? Here are some perks about being a subscriber to the podcast. The show magically shows up on your device as soon as it's published. You get access to all the shows, bonus episodes included, and you get to feel super cool, like you're part of the subscribers club. So if you're not subscribed, you might want to think about doing that. And I really want you to stay connected. I have a group on Facebook called live and love with joyful courage. I'm going to start doing Thursday takeaways, a post every Thursday that's going to show up to hold space for listeners to share your takeaways from the podcast that week. I'm also on Instagram, and there is a Facebook and a Twitter business page. So you can find me at joyful courage, on all of those places I would love to have you there. You can sign up for my newsletter. It goes out weekly at joyful courage.com and as always, thanks to my team, my behind the scenes mama, Anna proctor for all she does in support of my work. I'm so grateful for you and the man, Chris Mann at pod shaper, for being my super creative, awesome producer. Can you send us off with some fresh beats?