Eps 113: Solo show! Teachers, behavior charts, and how to keep mama bear in check…

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:01
Joy, joyful courage parenting podcast episode 113

Hey everybody. Welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. I am your host, Casey o'rourdy, I am a positive discipline trainer and parent coach, and as always, super thrilled that you are listening in. And as you listen, you probably notice something about me. I have a terrible cold, and I'm actually recording this show from bed. But what else am I gonna do? That's how dedicated I am to all of you and to putting this show out there for you. If you find yourself laughing or taking notes excited about what you hear, please do me a favor and pay it forward. Share this episode with your friends and families, neighbors, strangers, whoever your sharing is the reason that I'm able to show up for you each week, and it's such an honor to do so. If you are a new listener, hello. I am so happy that you found your way here. I am honored and blessed and grateful that you are taking time out of your day, that all of you are taking time out of your day to listen in to what I have to say. Today is a solo show. Today is a solo show, and I am speaking straight from and to our community. I have a really good friend who is a teacher at the local schools, and she recently reached out to me with an idea for podcasting, and I really appreciated her idea. I also am seeing a lot in my membership community as the kids are going back to school, we are all navigating, perhaps discipline environments in the classroom, or classroom management environments that are not really in line with what we know to be true about children. So let's talk a little bit about this. Okay, let's talk a little bit about this. Now, you might have elementary children and or you might have middle school or high school kids, and I'm going to speak specifically to some of the systems in place in the elementary classrooms. So, you know, I have been an elementary school teacher. Did you know that I was a school teacher for five years before I had my kids, and classroom management was not something that was focused on too much when I went through Teacher Certification School, which was way back in like 1998 which is really trippy, but I remember we had kind of like a brown bag lunch workshoppy class about classroom management. And they did actually talk about class meetings and the concept of cooperative discipline. And then I got into the classroom as a new teacher, and I had all these kids, and I was really at a loss as to how to navigate their needs, while also, you know, teaching content. And this was almost 20 years ago, the classroom today, kids are showing up with ever more needs, whether it's, you know, related to trauma or basic needs not being met at home, related to cognitive challenges or emotional challenges. And you know, the pendulum is always swinging right, and it swings way over to the social emotional learning, and then it swings way over to academics being the primary focus. And I really feel like that's where we've been, right? There's all of this fear and determination to get kids to learn what they quote, need to know, so that they can be successful out in the world. And how do we know that they know what they know. We test the heck out of them, right? And it's interesting, because when I have worked with teachers, we start with two lists, and it's the same two lists that I've mentioned before here on the podcast, where the question is, you know, what are the challenges you're seeing in the classroom? And we make huge lists, and there's lots of things that you can imagine on that list, always the same list, regardless of the socioeconomic demographic nature of the school. And then the next question is, what when you you know, let's project into the future, and this child comes to you to let them know that you made a difference. Their life as their teacher. What are the characteristics and the traits that you hope by the time you know they're in their late 20s and out in the world they have come to embody, and it's traits like patience and perseverance and compassion and kindness and creativity and problem solving and advocacy and responsibility and leadership accountability. You know, it's all those good, juicy character traits that we value so much in each other. And there is an assumption often that children are either, you know, born with these skills or that they're in the home. All of these skills are being developed, and then they get in the classroom, and when they aren't demonstrating those skills, you know, and they are disruptive, and it is a difficult task to keep 30 plus kids, you know, focused and teaching them. And so when there's kids that don't have the skills that they need to be productive members of the classroom, oftentimes what teachers will fall back on is like a behavior system. It's typically public. It's typically it looks like it can get pretty cutesy, you know, there's the stoplight system, or there's systems where there's clothespins. And as kids make mistakes, their clothespins move up or down some you know, chart to show them where they're at. And here's my problem with this. It's there's an assumption that, again, that the kids have what they need, they have the skills that they need to be cooperative, easy going members of the classroom, and it's just not accurate. Do

and it's not helpful to then shame our kids, even if you're doing it with a smile on your face, even if you're saying, like, Oh, this isn't a punishment. This is just letting you know where you're at. It's not helpful, and it can feel, you know, based on any given child's temperament, it can be embarrassing all the way to humiliating. And for some kids, it really closes their stress window right? Their ability to handle stress actually gets smaller as they watch their clothespin, or they watch their you know, card, go from green to yellow to red. And is it any wonder that they get there and then they were explosive? So something that my girlfriend had invited me to speak into this week on the show was how we go about approaching teachers. And like I mentioned, this has been a hot topic in my membership program, and I've had more than a few parents who have written emails to teachers just to let them know about what they find is helpful for their children, because here's the bottom line, here's the bottom line, you your child's teacher, the school counselor, the after school people you know, you are all on your child's support team, right? You're the support staff for your child. And when communication begins to fail between parents and the rest of the team, the only person that suffers is the child, and it's really interesting, too. I think that this is just one more experience that we have, where our stuff gets in the way right, where we fall into fear, and then we move from a place of fear. And when we move from a place of fear, we can often address problems with teachers or principals or counselors in a really offensive like you're on the offense way, and that puts the other person in defense, right? So first of all, it's really important to recognize that the teacher's job in the classroom is a very tricky job. I mean, shout out to all the teachers out there. Thank you for showing up every day. Thank you for being willing to say yes to a job that is, in a lot of ways, really thankless. And so I just want to say I love teachers, and I so appreciate every teacher that has come my child's way. That being said. You know, even I as a parent, have had opportunities where I've had to reach out when something has happened in the classroom that isn't, in my opinion, helpful or possibly even hurtful, and it's coming from the teacher. And one thing that I always try to do is. Site, just like with our kids, right? Connect before, correct? That is a really powerful tool to use in all the relationships in your life, right? It's not just for our kids. It's any time you have to have a difficult conversation, and so my approach has always been, you know, thank you. Thank you for showing up for my kids, I know that your job isn't easy. And then if I'm going to move into you know, this is something that happened that I have concerns about. It might sound like I'm curious about what happened in the classroom on Thursday, and this is what I'm hearing from my child. And I'm just wondering, I want to hear from you as well. What's going on? We're all on the same team. We're all on team. Child, I want to be here to support you as well as supporting my child. Like I mentioned, some of the parents in the membership program actually shared with me and shared with the community about emails that they had sent to the teacher, sharing their concerns over some of the classroom management tools that were being used again, starting off with connection. Thank you for the job that you do. You spend a lot of time with my child. Your role in his life is so important, and I value the time that you put into your job, and I know that it's not easy, you know, and then move into what is it that you know about your child, right? What? How can you educate the teacher about your child, and not in an I'm rescuing him, you have to make special services for him, but really in a way that, at the end of the day, will enlighten the other person around how kids are all different, and one system doesn't work for any everyone, and some of those systems don't really work for anyone, but that's a whole nother podcast, so going into it with this idea that you are offering information about your child. And as a former teacher, I'm here to say that it is really useful when a parent is willing to touch base and say, I see you, and I see the tough job that you're doing, and I want to educate you a little bit about my child and what is helpful for my child, right? I think this is such a gift. This is such a gift because when we go in and we're all Mama Bear about it, everybody's going to put up their wall, and communication just doesn't happen, right? And here's another thing to remember as well. Remember brain in the palm of the hand. We've talked about that on the podcast before. It is when we are emotionally triggered and we move into our limbic system, right into the emotional part of our brain. Logical thinking is not available. Perspective is not available. So if you have an experience where your child comes home and tells you a story, and you notice right that physical experience, you notice your chest getting tight, you notice those tingling sensations. You notice that you're having a physical response, and then you're noticing you're getting into Mama Bear mode, and you open up that computer, or you pick up that phone, I'm gonna invite you to pause, right? I'm gonna invite you to pause and in this moment, just like when we're parenting, this is a moment for us to find our center. This is a moment to calm our nervous system, to get back into the logical brain, right, to recognize that our children experience things from their own lens, their own perspective, and that's really what they're telling us. That doesn't mean that, you know, I'm not saying that kids come home and make up stories. I'm just saying that it's important to remember that there are a lot of perspectives, right? And so once you've calmed your nervous system, calmed your body, found yourself back in your logical brain, then it's time to get curious. Then, then it's okay to pick up the phone and open your computer and and write that email and and let the the other adults in your child's life know that you have some concerns, right, but always starting with thank you for the job that you do. I know that it's not easy. I'm curious about this situation.

And if you haven't yet gotten in touch with your child's teacher, this is a great time. If you're listening to this podcast and you're thinking, You know what, everything's going pretty well. I haven't really had any interaction with the classroom. You know, we're all good. I'm going to invite you right now. Do. To get on your computer, open up your email and just shoot your child's teacher a message and just simply say, hey, you know, thank you for teaching my child. I'm reckon I just want to acknowledge the time that you spend with them, and I am looking forward to getting to know you throughout the rest of the year, right? Because communication with the school, communication with the teacher, is so important, and it's really important to start building relationship before you know there's an emotional experience that shows up, so that you have some foundation there, so that you both have some foundation there to navigate the problem in a way that is most helpful to your child. Does that make sense? And just so you know, when I have taught teachers, because I do positive discipline in the classroom, trainings with teachers, I say the same thing to them. Don't wait until there's a problem with a child to reach out to the families, because ultimately, we are all on the same team. We all want the kids in the classroom to be successful, right? We want them all to be successful, so without the adults building relationship and noticing when they're moving from that really primal Mama Bear place, and pausing to get it together, just like with your kids, and then moving forward again, it's just going to be supportive of your child, right? It's just going to be supportive of your child, and just like with our kids, if you are listening and you're thinking, Oh, great, well, I've already come unglued on my child's teacher or I've already had issues at the school, there is no limitation to when you can go back and make things right. Even if it was an issue that you had last year, you can always call up that principal, you can always call up that classroom teacher and just say, you know, things got really challenging last year, and I'm recognizing now that I was really reactive and and not in a place of really listening to your perspective, and I just wanted to make amends and say that I'm sorry. That will be so powerful for any teacher to hear even you're modeling some really important skills. Because teachers are humans too. They are emotional beings, having an emotional experience and spending the day with how many small people with limited skills? Oh my gosh, it's crazy town. Sometimes it's crazy town in the classroom sometimes. So that is what I wanted to focus on today. I know that we're about a month in to school. Some of you over in the Midwest, you're a little farther along than those of us on the west coast, but I just really want to encourage you to build those relationships and the the person that's going to benefit the most from that is your child. So I hope that that's helpful.

All right, I wanted to give another plug to mother's journey. Those of you that are on my newsletter list, and you get newsletters from me every week. You probably saw last week's newsletter where I mentioned that I just wanted to acknowledge all of my newsletter people around the fact that they're hearing a lot of promoting from me, and I'm acknowledging you listeners as well. I love doing the podcast. I love creating content for you. I love the interviews that I get to do, the people I get to listen to. It is so fun and soul filling. And I'm happy, happy, happy to do it. And I don't get paid to create podcasts. The work that I get paid for is coaching and workshops and the membership. So the podcast exists as a free resource to everybody, to anybody, but it's also a vehicle for me to share about the other offers that I have one of which is the mother's journey. I am super excited. I recorded this a week ago. So as of right this second, I am getting ready for the Seattle workshop, which is, once you're listening to this, it will have already passed, and I will be getting ready for Portland, which is Portland, is october 22 so I'll be down in Portland, really looking forward to that, at gem studio. And then November 4, I'm gonna be in Boise, Idaho, doing the same work. And the really neat thing about this fall is I'm really feeling out this offer. I'm really gonna be listening and paying attention to how the circle of women are moved by the work, right? So I'm, I'm, this is like the beta test. This is really fleshing out what is health. Role in supporting women, supporting mothers, and closing that gap between what we do and what we know, right, what we do and what we know. Do you know what I mean by that? Like, how many of us read amazing books and blogs and articles and we're like, Yeah, I'm totally gonna do that, and then we're in our stuff, right? We're in our life. And it turns out that it's easier said than done. So mother's journey is a space for us to really uncover what it is that gets in our way of being the parent that we wanna be in a really safe, supportive community environment. And yeah, so this fall, super excited about that, super excited about that. And I also wanted to let you all know, if you can't do that, can't make it to a mother's journey. This fall, I am open for coaching clients. I have some clients that are just finishing up working with me, and so I do have some spaces available. So if you are nodding your head saying yes, yes, yes, I have a gap. I have a gap between what I know that I want to do and what I do. Coaching is a great way of supporting you in taking the action that you need to take to be the parent that you want to be wrapping things up, I'm going to be announcing the winners for the love warrior books, the last couple podcasts, I've mentioned that There's a contest going on, and I am encouraging you to get into iTunes and to go to ratings and reviews for the joyful courage podcast and leave a review, and then from the names that show up, I'm going to be pulling winners of the two love warrior books by Glennon Doyle that I have, that I acquired when I went To see her speak a few days ago. So the day that this shows up, this show goes live. I will be sharing the winners, and I'll mention them, mention them next week in the show as well. So if you're not in the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group, well, if you're not in that group, what are you doing? Get in there. Get in there. I'm going to be announcing winners there and on the show. So yeah, yay. Appreciating all of you. Thank you for tuning in today and listening. Thank you, Chris Mann, for making this show sound so good. Chris is my producer, my Budapest. In Budapest, I can't get enough of making fun of that word. I'm not making fun. I love that Budapest as the word Buddha in it. It makes me happy. I think it might be delirious. Now it's time for me to take a nap and lay down and take care of myself, and you all be taking care of yourselves as well, drink lots of water, get lots of sleep. Love those kids, and I'll be seeing you again next week