Eps 131: How to use routines to shift the dynamics in your home

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A solo show all about routines

There are a couple tools, that when put into place, make the whole parenting journey easier.  You have heard me talk about special time, that one on one time that is so important for building relationship and a solid foundation of belonging and significance for our kids.

Challenges coming up in the LLWJC group


  • mornings, bedtimes, defiance, meltdowns, sibling issues

    • We find ourselves putting out fires

    • We find ourselves being overtaxed

    • We find ourselves slipping OUT of who we want to be and INTO crazy parent

    • This is also where we loose sight of the way that we are contributing to the chaos at hand….

      • We blame out kids

      • We fall into the trap of “it is always so difficult”

      • We forget that there is always a flow that comes after the ebb….

Yes, special time helps with the challenges mentioned about.

The relationship we nurture with our kids is what has the biggest impact on their behavior, absolutely.

AND, another tool that is super helpful to come back to, again and again, is co-creating routines.

Now, if you are someone with challenges in the morning, or after school, you may be thinking, but we have a routine, and it isn’t working!!!


Not all routines are created equal.

  • Routines are made to be modified and changed up

  • Routines designed to be HELPFUL for everyone will be the most USEFUL

Mindset matters

  • This is not about getting your kids to do what you want them to do

  • This is about helping your children feel like capable, contributing members of the family

  • This is about the process, the opportunity that exists inside the challenge that is currently at the surface

Take a deeper look…

  • Co creating routines means that you are CO CREATING

  • Find a time of day when everyone is feeling good, connected

  • Opening up the conversation to child about how they experience the challenging time of day, validate their feelings, listen and let them know you are taking their sharing to heart – this is not time to talk them out of what they are experiencing or getting them to “see your side”

  • Clear out the space through taking accountability for your behavior. This is really important.

  • Ask for their help to make that time of day easier/better for everyone

  • Brainstorm ideas/tasks

  • Offer/counter offer if you need to

  • Be open to their ideas

  • Be firm/not rigid around your non-negotiables

    • “This is what is important to me, how could we make that work?”

    • “What is your idea for that?”

  • Cross off anything that isn’t related/reasonable/respectful/helpful on the list

  • Work together to create a visual reminder

  • Try it for a week

But, but, but what if it doesn’t “work”

  • Shifting to what is “helpful”

  • Focus on the process

  • TRUST the process

  • Let the routine be the boss

  • Revisit at the end of the week and tweak if necessary

So many routines….

  • Housework

  • Family Meetings

  • Mornings

  • Afterschool

  • Bedtime

Take it slow – let go of urgency

How you show up matters

Be in your practice of curiosity and openness – catch yourself when you want to judge  (roshambo/coin flip) Currently in a new routine of turning screens off from 5-7.  This is a slippery place for us….

Recently posted a handout on the live and love page – will put it in the show notes – for walking through this process. Let me know if you have any questions!


Chaos to Calm

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This is a four part video training that will support you in transforming the climate of your home.  More information at http://www.joyfulcourage.com/chaos


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