Eps 157: SOLO SHOW – Back to school musings with Casey – stress, routines and being more aware

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Welcome to the joy for courage podcast, my friends, yes, a place to be inspired, informed and hopefully entertained on the parenting journey, I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, parent coach, positive discipline trainer, and even more importantly, mother to two children who teach me every single day about how to practice showing up in a way that is helpful, connected and humble, who also point out when I am not showing up that way, when we choose into joyful courage, we are choosing into rejoicing in the opportunities for self growth and discovery that exist on the parenting journey. Yes, I did say rejoicing in those opportunities, and it's work, but so worth it. The path we are searching for is in our practice. Super grateful you're here to practice with me. Thank you so much for being a part of the community. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody, yay. It's Casey back for a solo show this week, and in celebration mode, because today, the day that I'm recording this podcast, which was last Wednesday, if you're listening to it, the day that it came out, the day that I'm recording this, is the first day of school, and it was a really different kind of first day of school for me this year. So my son is going into seventh grade, and my daughter's going into 10th grade, and yesterday was the Back to School Bash at the middle school for my son's school, and I am the PTO president at my son's school. So for any of you keeping track, last spring, I made a bunch of declarations about how I was going to be in service to my community and a part of being the change I wanted to see in the world. And I explored a bunch of community organizations, including the local PTO, and now I am the president. I'm not really sure how that happened, but it happened, and now I get to step into that role and create the experience that I think is most serving for our parent community at our middle school. So the Back to School Bash was yesterday. Super fun actually, and I got to meet a lot of parents and see they have a brand new school building that was funded by levees. I think anyway, it is gorgeous, gorgeous school. So that was cool. And then Ian got up this morning, bright and early. Was excited, right? I mean, as excited as he was willing to show but he was excited and out the door he went, went to catch the bus. No big deal. Let me take a picture of him. Meanwhile, my daughter got up a little bit later and took a shower and had some breakfast and went into the space that we've created for her in our house, and opened her laptop and logged into online school. Today was the first day of online school, and I think I've spoken about this on the podcast. I'm sure that I have, I know that I have actually the last solo show I talked about, just kind of some of the hits that I've gotten intuitively and teasing apart, you know, what's fear and what's really coming to me from my deeper wisdom. And you know, I got another opportunity to practice that today, as I I did my own work trying to make sense of what an online schedule looks like, because it's not necessarily sitting in class six times a day every day. She has an hour's worth of, you know, work to do each day, per class period, but only a few times a week is she actually in a live experience with the teacher, getting direct instruction. And we're new and it's new technology, and it's, it gets really a new mindset, right? And so I really found myself wanting to hover, like, literally, what are you doing? What are you doing now? Wanting to see what's happening. And I decided to just come clean around that I've had a hard time all weekend because I'm like. Like asking her to create, you know, the learning space that she wants, like, decorate it she hasn't done anything. I made this super rad planner for her, and I'm like, write your goals. You know, we had this whole back and forth exchange over text. Any of you that are parents out there, I know that I must not be the only one that's realizing that some conversations are really amazing to have over text, because the dialog doesn't get diluted or sidetracked by facial expression or tone or eye rolling from either person. So anyway, we had this whole text exchange about, you know, me really wanting to encourage her to set some goals, and semester goals versus monthly goals versus weekly goals, like, that's how I thrive. That's how I thrive when I am creating the experience that I want. And she she was like, Mom, that overwhelms me. I don't want to do that. And I was like, so what's your plan? And she says, Well, I learned best from trial and error. Like, oh God. You know, initially, I was like, Oh, great. I saw trial as I'm just gonna do nothing and see what happens. But really, what I'm learning and remembering and trusting is that my daughter wants to she wants to have a good experience. She wants to thrive in this experience. She wants to learn. She wants to make it work. I need to get out of her freaking way and let her puzzle through it. And I know this right again. It's one of those places where I know it in my head, and yet everything inside of me is like, I have to manage you, because you can't manage yourself. And guess what? Let what message she's getting from that. Oh, there's the train. I feel like the train always shows up when I'm podcasting with all of you local train. Hopefully it doesn't get too loud. Anyway, the message that she's getting because everything inside of me is like, I have to micromanage this kid because she can't do it on her own. The Message she's receiving is my mom doesn't think I can pull this off, and then what happens next? Thought could be either, well, I'll show her that I can, or maybe I can't, or screw her for having that thought. I'm just gonna blow this off, right? So I'm continuing to learn through my relationship with my daughter, which is this never ending learning opportunity to pull back. And just this morning, I said to her, I was really transparent. And said, Gosh, I'm noticing that. I just, I want to hover around you. And then I said, Do you want me in here, in this space, or or, do you want me somewhere else? And she was like, I want you somewhere else. And so I sat in the kitchen and did my own work, and then decided, You know what, I need to get out of this house. And so I came out to my office, like literally drove to my office, and she's been checking in, letting me know what she's been working on. And again, the lesson of trust like I've raised this kid, she's 15 years old. She has tools and skills. And now, right now, right now, I am being invited in to, like, stepping back and letting her use her tools and sending the message that I know she has the tools that she needs to thrive in this new learning experience that she's having, and I also know and get to trust and like share the message with her that if she feels like she needs help, she can ask, right? She can ask. So, I mean, it's, it might sound really like, Well, duh, Casey,

and I know that I'm getting a lot more homeschool parents in the joyful courage community. So you all, you know you've been doing this work and not I don't know that what we're doing is homeschooling, but it's definitely movement in that direction, and it feels very unfamiliar. And I know that a month from now, she's gonna find her groove. We're all gonna find our groove with it, and it's gonna be great, but man, anytime we start this new transition, it can feel really crazy. And I want to acknowledge that school has started. Some of you have been in school since, like, early August, mid August, late August, and I know that those of you. On the East Coast, I believe at least those of you that I work closely with my mother's journey Baltimore mamas and some of my membership clients, you all started this week as well, and I just wanted to come on here and just acknowledge that the transition from summer into school year is big, and unfortunately, we don't always that discomfort of the transition doesn't always manifest as us or our children saying, Wow, things feel weird. I feel uncomfortable. I need help, or please create some structure, or please notice that I'm having a hard time. No, that discomfort typically shows up. I mean, I know for me, when I get uncomfortable inside of a transition, I want to control the whole thing. So I and with control comes rigidity, right comes a lot of telling and not a lot of asking. And just comes, like in my body, a lot of stress. And for me, stress lives in my core, my hips and my core, and it travels up like hips, core, into the chest, jaw, face, and I'm like, you know, I've got and I'm and I'm just all of a sudden, like, you have to do this and this and this, and it has to happen now. And don't give me a hard time about it, right? Super useful. No, it's not useful. And the way that it can often show up for our kids when they're feeling stressed, when they're feeling you know, and stress isn't a bad thing, right? But when the stress kind of tips over into really uncomfortable stress and and stress of the unknown and and being unsure about what to expect, or unsure of of routines, or unsure of, you know, schedules and school what, what the way that it shows up often is our kids slip into some anger and defiance. They slip into their own rigidity, right, their own rigidity, and looking for ways that they can control their experience. And one of the ways, one of the go to, ways that kids move towards is, well, I don't have to fall in line with you, trying to control me. And then we're caught up in that power struggle cycle we're caught up in, you know, both of us upping the ante till one of us gets what we want, and it's just ugly, right? It's just ugly. And I know there's been a couple conversations in the live in love with joyful courage group around young kids not being excited about school, being fearful of school, and the stress level is really high. And how do we meet them where they're at? How do we meet them where they're at? And I think something that's really important but sometimes feels scary, is, well, one listening deeply to our kids, right? Not listening to understand or to fix or to change their mind, but just really listening to be present to them, to hear what they're saying and what they're not saying, right? To allow them to feel heard and felt and seen so deeply listening and noticing too as we're deeply listening when our fear shows up. Right? Because we want, like, what do we all want for our kids, whatever their learning experience is, whether it's homeschool, online school, traditional school, private school, whatever, right? What do we want most? We want our kids to love learning. We would love it if they all woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to kick some ass at school, right? We want their social life to be easy. We want people to be kind to them. We want them to have really lovely, connected teachers. And that isn't always how things roll out. It definitely isn't like that. 24/7, right? Every single one of our kids will bump up against a kid or a teacher or a situation that's going to throw them for a loop, that's going to be difficult for them to navigate, that's going to hurt their feelings or make them feel embarrassed, right? Those things are going to show up. And you know what? Here's the deal. We want those things to. Show up, because that's where our children get to actually practice the life skills that they need to be contributing responsible members of society. Now, what I did not say is yay for bullies like I am not excited by kids that are dicks or teachers that are burnt out or small minded or, you know, under their own stress, and every single experience that our kids have is an opportunity for them to grow right? So we get to be advocates. We get to listen. We get to listen deeply to their experience so that they feel seen and heard. And then after we listen deeply, after we listen deeply, we get to we get to validate how they're feeling based on what their experience is, right? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 16:00
yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 16:01
you're feeling really nervous, you're feeling really sad, you're feeling really bored, right? That came straight from an exchange I had with my daughter. I said, How is it today? She said, really boring. And all I responded with was, yeah, even though I wanted to

Speaker 1 16:20
be like, well, this is what you chose. I mean, I

Casey O'Roarty 16:24
had a million things that I wanted to say, and I said, Yeah. And then she wrote back and said, but school's boring. And I said, Yeah, you know. And I said, and this is the beginning, so the teachers are going through all the expectations and things. And, you know, I just when we listen and when our kids come to us with big emotions about or even subtle emotions, any emotions, experiences, opinions about what's happening for them. We i know i and I'm not the only one. We tend to want to jump in really quick and fix it, or rationalize it, or judge it or change their mind about it. And what I'm learning in my own practice with my own children, and what I'm seeing in the clients that I work with that practicing just Yeah, pausing, holding space for the people in our life to be with the experience that they're having, because when we can just be present to it, that alone carries power, right? And when they're the ones that say, Yeah, and this is what I'm going to do about it. It is so much more powerful for them than us to say, Well, why don't you just try this? Why don't you just try this? So my invitation to you today is, as your children come home from school with their stories and experiences, listen to them. Listen to them, you know. And I can't talk about back to school without also saying, you know, another place of listening is listening to ourselves, right? Listening to our own experiences, listening to our bodies. Because my guess is, as you're moving through these first weeks of school, whether it's homeschool or traditional school, you're noticing, perhaps, that there's times of day that feel more stressful than others, right? You're noticing when there might be times of the day where your body just kind of feels really tense and on fire. So this is always an indication that it's a great time of day to co create some routine with your children. Now, routines of the summer are going to look different than routines of the school year. I love routines. I'm a total routine junkie. My kids like, oh God, mom and when routines are in place, it will support everyone in bringing that stress level down. Routines help us feel safe. Routines help adults feel safe as well as children. So when you are

moving through these first few weeks and things feel sticky and things feel stressful, I'm inviting you to bring it up to your kids, right? And this is how we create routines. You've probably heard me talk about routines on the podcast before. I'm going to bring them up again, because it's real and relevant and alive right now. And the ways that and hear me when I say, We co create, right? We co. Create routines. We need our children to be a part of the process of creating routines, and that's going to increase the likelihood that it's going to be helpful to them, because they're in the co creation and it just simply starts with, Hey, I'm What are you noticing about after school? How does it feel when you get home from school, or how does it feel in the morning getting ready for school? What are you noticing? What are you noticing about me? So really, what you want to do in this initial conversation is flush up the experience, the physical, emotional, mental experience of whatever time of day you're pinpointing as needing a routine. And you want to hear from your kids. You want to know what the experience is like for them, right? And then set the expectation of, okay, well, we have to leave the house at 830 Right? So there's always that kind of, that deadline that's really useful. Otherwise, routines can last forever. So setting that expectation, that deadline, so okay, you need to be ready for school, ready for learning by 830 what are the things that need to happen before then? Right? And then they generate the list of things that need to happen, right? You do it together. You co Generate help the kids talk more than you, right? Really encourage them to do most of the talking. And then create a visual, create a checklist, create something that is going to be useful. Oh, now the garbage truck is here. Hope it's not too loud and the fire engines. I might need to edit this part out of the podcast if

Unknown Speaker 21:46
it's super loud.

Casey O'Roarty 21:48
Oh, real life, people. Real life happening or right now. So like I was saying, you want to generate the conversation with your child. Create a visual. Create something that's going to support them, something where the next morning that rolls around, the next afternoon that rolls around, you can say, Okay, what was your routine? Where are you in your routine? Let's take a look at your routine. And I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people for a long time where I would say, like, okay, from now on, this is what's happening. And then I'd forget whatever it was I said and never followed through. So if you're going to create a routine, you want to follow through on it, correct? And follow through comes when we have a really great visual or a list or a checklist or something that is evidence of what we've agreed to do, what we've created together, right? And then it's just the follow through. And whenever we create routines, this is really important, and I want you to hear me. I would invite you to create routines, and I know you've heard me say this, use it for a week. Let's try this for a week and see if it's helpful, right? Because that's the goal. The goal is to create something that's helpful, to create something that is bringing the energy and the vibe and the relationship that is happening during that time of day to a place that is helpful and healthy, and everybody is feeling like they know what to do and like I said, relationship most important stays intact, right? So now's the time, peeps, now is the perfect time. And if you're like, we have routines and they don't work, okay, guess what? That's because you need to kick it up a notch. You need to revisit. You need to you get to, I should say, you get to take a look at old routines and simply say to your kids like, you know what? I notice we never talk about bedtime routine anymore, and bedtime has gotten kind of weird, and it's a year later. So maybe we need to tweak this a little bit and then again, invite them into the conversation right back to school. People back to school. I have that song, back to life, back to reality. I love back to school. I love September. It is my birthday month. So if you want to give me a shout out on Facebook on the 17th and say happy birthday to my friend Casey. I'm cool with that, but let me know about how the routines conversations happen and how they play out. Just wanting to remind you, I know I say it every show in the credits or the end little blurb, but please head over to live and love with joyful courage on Facebook, it's a group that you have to ask to join, and that's a great place. If you're playing with routines, if you're playing with this whole back to school time craziness, and you want some support, you want some celebration, you want to share, which I encourage you to do. That is a great. Community for doing that. So head over there, head over there, and just know that I am 100% here and celebrating you and all the things you do and all the ways that you show up for your kids and happy back to school, my friends, I hope it's a great, easy, smooth transition, and if it's not, I'm hoping that you got some good nuggets in this podcast, and I'll be coming back next week with an interview show talking about adolescents and all the crazy things that can show up on that path. So join me. Join me. Join me. Join me. I have a great guest. I know you're gonna love her and have a beautiful day. Yay. Joyful courage community. You're amazing. Big. Thanks. And love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcast, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention, cards, bracelets. E course offers the membership program, one on one coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look. Simply head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S, to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way, reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.