Eps 206: The Path to Radical Acceptance

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:07
Mike P gave five stars and wrote practical and relatable tips. Casey overti is amazing. Her joyful courage podcast keeps me grounded and sane in this journey of parenting, I was thrilled to hear about her new book and couldn't wait to read it. She did not disappoint. Her book is an easy read filled with practical tips on how to stay calm and regulated During the challenging moments of raising our kids. Thank you so much, Mike and everyone I'm so happy to hear when joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey is useful to you, so let me know, and get really excited, because it's soon to be an audiobook, you'll be able to download joyful courage through audible Stay tuned For more details. Hey, podcast listeners, welcome to joyful courage. I'm so glad that you're here and listening. Joyful courage is a conscious parenting podcast, a place where I like to bring information and inspiration to the parenting journey. I'm your host, Casey Casey o'rourdy, I am a positive discipline trainer. I'm a parent coach, but most importantly, I am a fellow traveler on the journey of parenting. I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled that you're listening in this show is all about stepping into the personal growth and development that is always waiting for us here in this era of being mothers, of being fathers, of loving the kids that we have while staying lovingly detached from what's showing up in their lives. I know that sounds weird, right? Being detached Tonya, it'll change your life if you can do it. The show is designed to offer you guidance. You can take it, you can leave it. It's a buffet of information. Just listen, right? Just listen. Create your own value. Listen for nuggets that land for you. And if something doesn't, just leave it behind. It's all good. I would love to know what you think. I have many communities that you can join. You can follow me on Instagram or Facebook. You can join in the conversation at live and love with joyful courage on Facebook, or joyful courage for parents of teenagers on Facebook. So I love to be in conversation with my listeners, knowing what's going on in your life, and bringing some of what you desire most challenges that you are currently facing, bringing them onto the podcast, bringing them into these conversations, so that I can be in service to you. I really hope that you enjoy this show, and I'm confident that you will. Hey, friends, how is it going? Thank you for meeting me here on the podcast. Thank you for seeing me and for sharing the ways that this podcast resonates with you and supports you. I have received so much feedback lately from so many of you talking about how this show is a lifeline for you and a place where the experience you are having on the parenting journey is validated. And I'm just gonna say, as I say to each and every person that reaches out, I'm so grateful for the feedback. I'm so grateful to know that what is shared here and put out into the world is making a difference in your life. It certainly is making a difference in my life. When I first started this show, I had been practicing and facilitating positive discipline for about seven years, and I had started blogging about my experience with practicing, imperfectly practicing positive discipline with my kids and the small audience that I had, you know, really appreciated my candidness and my authenticity, and what I found also was that my community of parent educators and my Access to parent educators was growing, and I really wanted to be in conversation with them as well and share it with a wider audience. And I was also, you know, looking for more creative ways to share content and build my business, right? I want. Distinguish myself from other parent educators online. I've always wanted a radio show, and podcasting made sense to me, and I released my first four episodes of The joyful courage podcast on April 9 of 2015 now that was over four years ago. My kids were nine and 12, and they were in third grade and sixth grade. It seems like a lifetime ago, and when I think back to that period, I really had no idea what lied ahead and how this show was going to evolve and grow and become such a part of who I am. I didn't realize it would be so easy to be in conversation with the people that I admire about the parenting journey that was surprising to me, and I didn't realize either how much of my content would evolve towards talking about being human beings, being in the human experience inside of this context of parenting. I didn't know then that I would be doing solo shows. I didn't know that I would want to do solo shows, and I didn't know how it would feel to me to be so vulnerable and that I would be so called to just showing up raw as myself. And I had no idea that once I started doing these solo shows and sharing the way that I share, that it would land so deeply with the growing community. I feel so connected to all of you, to those of you that do reach out and tell me that my work matters in your life, and to those of you that don't, I see the numbers. I see how many times my show is downloaded and listened to, and I just it just fills my heart, knowing that my sharing matters and is making an impact on the world, and this show has really become a lifeline for me, right? I mean, what I didn't see coming, holy shit. What I didn't see coming was, you know, the experiences that have shown up in the last couple of years with my kids, and it's really interesting too to be in the tension of leading a community of parents and guiding a community of parents, while also navigating my own experience of my own parenting, right? So yes, I'm a guide, and I'm a mentor, and I'm also like walking along next to you, and I know that you feel that, and I'm glad that you feel that, and you know it's also an interesting place to be as I invite people into working with me, and I'm in this really deep time of transition. And I know you feel it. It's shown up here on the podcast. My offerings, you know, the online courses that I'm doing are geared more and more well. They are geared towards parents of teens and tweens. This has been the result, as I've mentioned before, of looking for support myself and not finding offers that were useful to me and that spoke to me through the lens of my style of parenting, I wanted to be having conversations about the teen years that were really useful, but I also want to be talking about humaning, right, that concept of being a human and growing as a human, because inside all of this work, we are growing and developing as human beings every single day. I am living this in my relationships with my spouse, with my teenagers and this time of transition, you know, it's I'm noticing that there's less interviews that I want to be having. I'm feeling less connected to the interview format and more drawn to just speaking directly to you.

And so you know this podcast is really going through an evolution right now, and I feel it, and I'm not really certain about where it's going to land. End, and that feels really messy. It feels messy about like to keep showing up and not really being clear on where this show is gonna go. It's not gonna go anywhere, but I'm definitely in a time of transition, and I hope that's okay with you. I'm hope that it's okay with you, that I just kind of play with it this fall till I kind of find my feet inside of it. Yeah, so I wanted to just start off with that and tell you that I love you. I love you. I'm so grateful for this community and the way that you're showing up in the Facebook groups, and again, those those messages that you're sending to me. I'm just super, super grateful right now, and I'm really, you know, I'm playing with this whole concept of of life happening for me, life happening for you, and really like, what if that's true, right? The season of of the teen years has been so unexpected, like every single day and long time listeners know that I am in it deep and practicing every day to be as aware and awake as I can in my relationship with my teenagers and longtime listeners also know that we've dealt with it all right. We've, I mean, pretty much all of it, and I still continue to be surprised by what's showing up. Like, really, really surprised. We can't know how the narrative will go, right? We can't we can convince ourselves that we can control it, and only to be shown time and time again that we cannot control the narrative, right? We can influence it. We can we can hope and pray and meditate and journal and do the things, but we can't control the narrative. We can't control who our kids are, and I am, again, in a new place of being shown that I have no control of the narrative when it comes to my kids. And something that has been top of mind for me, especially this last week, which I think will continue to be a theme of my life for the foreseeable future is this concept of radical acceptance. Have you heard of this radical acceptance? I know in DBT therapy, dialectic behavioral therapy, which I have never done, and I really know nothing about, but it's about and I but it keeps showing up like I keep having people talk to me about DBT. So I'm guessing I'm probably going to head in that direction at some point, hopefully invite my kids there. But what radical acceptance is about in that context is that it's about accepting something with all of your soul and opening yourself to fully experience the reality of the moment, right being in the acceptance and allowing the moment radically accepting that you want Something that you don't have, and it's not a catastrophe, right? That's from Marsha lineman, who is kind of the the mother of of DBT and radical acceptance, radically accepting that you want something you don't have. And it's not a catastrophe, right? Thinking about how that concept can inspire and inform us on the parenting journey is really powerful, right? Focusing on the moment that you're in, and accepting the moment that you're in, accepting the past, and then knowing that change can come from that place of acceptance. Reality is what it is, and letting go of resistance, right? Letting go of resistance and being in this place of acceptance, right? Because the past, like getting really obsessed with the past and the future can really fuck us up. Right? How many of us feel guilty and rack our brains looking for where we screwed up when things go sideways with our kids? Maybe if we'd done it differently, we wouldn't be in the situation we were in, right? Maybe if I had done more consequences. Says, maybe if I had pushed them harder, maybe if I had not pushed them so hard, maybe if I was less controlling, maybe if I was more controlling, right? Like we can just spin out on that conversation, right? And what comes with that conversation, guilt and shame and blame, right? Are we accepting of the moment? No, because we're too caught up in blaming ourselves or life or the world for where we're at. It doesn't create space for us to simply accept that we are where we are. And I mean, you know, it's, it's like I also am in this question of what shouldn't I? Shouldn't we think about the future? Isn't it important to think about the future? How can we not think about the future? I I have hopes and dreams for my kids, of course, right? But again, becoming obsessed with a future while resisting the present moment creates suffering. It's just not useful, right? It's just not useful. And when I think about that, and I try to again, come into this place of radical acceptance and being with what is, you know, and then I think about what's so important to me when, when I'm considering my kids, and what I want most for them is I want them to know that they are the designers of their life, right? They are the designers of their life. How can I get out of the way? How can I create an environment that allows them to feel the call and the tension and the celebration and the experience of being the designers of their life. Right? How can I create a space that is pure enough for them to be able to trust themselves and to trust their own capacity to dream and take action and live and love so fully. I mean, I don't have any answers here, but, but I have a lot of questions, right? And then, you know, what happens is, you know, we start to listen. I start to listen to, you know, what's the popular conversation, right? The popular conversation would have us believe that there's five steps. It's a five step process for getting to the outcome we want with our kids, right? Popular conversation would have us believe that success is, you know, the captain of the football team, valedictorian, accolades and prizes. You know, college, top of class, you know, popular conversations would have us believe that parenting is about them and not us. It would have us believe that if things go sideways, it's about something we're doing wrong, and that there's something to fix. Popular conversation today blames the world and technology and teens themselves for what we are seeing. And I just I mean, what if the popular conversation is wrong? What if parenting is about us, but not about us in what we're doing right or wrong, but what if it's about us experiencing, experiencing the internal landscape of being in relationship with a teenager or being in relationship with a school aged kid? What if it's about us growing and evolving and being on this course and this path that really has no end point. What if, no matter what we do, our kids are gonna experience the path they're meant to experience? What if the path that they're on right now is exactly where they're meant to be, and that nothing we could have done would have prevented maybe some of the challenges they're facing. What if right here, right now, is exactly as it should be, right radical acceptance,

if this is exactly where we're meant to be with all of the challenges that exist. And I see you out there, you know, I see those of you with kids who are navigating mental health challenges, drug use and abuse, risky behavior. I see you out there struggling to create relationship, to accept the relationship as it is, to accept that uncertainty and unknowing of how things are going to turn out. And I also see those of you out there who from the beginning of the parenting journey, were invited into radical. Acceptance due to your child's different abilities, whether they were physical or mental or emotional, you are the ones that all of us can learn from this is old news to you, right? The idea of accepting reality as it is. Thank you. I see you. Thank you for being models for the rest of us and modeling what it looks like to be in acceptance and to be advocates. So if this is exactly where we're meant to be, if we accept, rather than resist, the reality that we are finding ourselves in day to day, there must be a purpose, right? There must be a purpose. This helps me, and perhaps it's as simple as sitting in this space and allowing the physical, the emotional and the spiritual experience of this acceptance to live without trying to make it go away. So Episode 203, a couple weeks ago, I talked about shopping for a therapist. I heard from a lot of you after that, after that episode, and I just want to say that I found someone. She is a somatic therapist, and my first appointment was super duper powerful. So some of what's coming up in my life is creating a lot of fear and tension in my body, right? And through the somatic therapy and this concept of radical acceptance, I was able to has have some physical transformation. And so I just want to share about that. So my therapist invited me to describe what was happening in my body. And for me, I had this, what felt like this mass of energy in my chest and my belly, and it was like, you know, and the therapist asked me to describe it, the color and the texture, and really paint a picture of what this energy looked like and and so I did, and what I what I felt and what I experienced was just like this gray mass of, like, coagulated gunk, right? Like, like, really thick, like, gunk, and it was in my body taking up space, and my experience of it was that it was kind of like, almost like I wanted to throw up, right? Like I wanted it felt like an intruder, is really? That was the word that I used. And my therapist said, okay, you know, what does your body want to tell this energy? And I tuned really deeply into my body and and really heard my body just wanting it out, wanting it to go away. And then she asked me, Well, what is the what is the dark energy? What is what is that saying? And when I really tuned into it, what I heard was that this energy felt like it couldn't go anywhere, because the discomfort it was causing me was forcing me to pay attention, and that I needed to be paying attention right now that the things that are currently going on in our life with one of my teens in particular is big, and it's going to require me to stay in it to pay

attention. And as I started speaking from the perspective of this energy, I noticed my body softening towards it and and that really the the fear was there, because there was this deep love for me, that loving me so much that it was creating discomfort. And as I started to think about that, the energy transformed, and it shifted from this intruder energy of this like thick, slimy, kind of gray intrusion in my body, it began to soften and transform into more of like a translucent fog, was the best way for me to describe it, and The color shifted to a white color, and the experience became one of deep love, deep love for this, all of this that I'm going through right now. For you know how deeply I'm committed and connected to my kids and my family. And really it's okay, like there was just this overarching Okay, right? And being able to have that experience supported me and remembering that all of us have this capacity, like we all have this ability when we're not in resistance to what's showing up. Because I think, you know, I think our bodies really speak to us, and I've talked about this on the podcast before, and it speaks to us sometimes in ways that we're not always, we're not always willing to listen. And so really listening to this energy that was showing up in my body and really being with it and and really showing it some compassion, giving it some attention, I was able to allow it to speak to me in a way that transformed it into something that no longer felt like an intruder, and instead it just felt like a loving presence, almost like a godlike presence, a universal presence. And, you know, and even as I sit with that and come back to that radical acceptance piece and turn inward and pay attention to what showing up, the ego is loud, right? The ego is loud and self doubt is right, right there along the edges, just waiting for a little opening to show up and say, Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You can't accept what's happening. Now, what does that mean? That's not responsible. And coming back to that physical experience of of feeling my body and trusting that what is is right now, and that I can be with it and I can, I can handle it right? Because, I mean, raise your hand if you can't sleep. All right, raise your hand if you're listening to me right now. And there are things going on in your life that are making it difficult to sleep. Yeah, I get it. For the last two weeks, I've been sleeping with earbuds, and because I wake up in the night and I can't sleep, and I can't calm my thoughts, and so I have to put on a story, and I put my earbuds in, and I listen to the story as a way to move away from the spin out of my mind. Right? Raise your hand if your belly is tied up in knots and you can't seem to release it. Yep, I know that feeling. I know that experience. And up until Monday, when I went and saw my therapist, I didn't have any tools for untying those knots and getting some relief. And raise your hand if you're experiencing fear that's with you all damn day, raise your hand. My hands up. I get it. It's there. It's there. It's there to teach us, though. It's there to speak to us, right? It's there to accept. I see you. Radical acceptance is so powerful accepting things as they are. You know, really feel that. What if you could accept things as they were right now? How would that change your life? What if you could let go of the fear and the worry about the future and you could just live in this present moment. How would that change your life? This is a good one. What if? What if you could be with the uncertainty? Right Like, right now I feel like I'm in this new territory where I don't know the rules, I don't know the rules, I don't know what to do. What if we could be inside of that and just accept that it's okay that we don't know the rules? How would that change our life? Yeah, noticing what shows up when I ask these questions, right? Noticing if you're having a physical experience where, where in your body are you having that physical experience? And if you, if you find a place in your body where your tension lives, and you give it a voice, what does it say? What is it saying to you, and how? How does your body respond to that energy, and what happens when you breathe in compassion? Can you be with that we are not in charge of the narrative that is our children's lives. Yet, as the narrative plays out, we can write our own narrative about how we are going to show up. I. And right now, the narrative that I'm writing is one of radical acceptance. I love you. I hope that listening to me today has brought you some peace, some validation. As you know, I am always open to hearing from you if you haven't ever sent a message my way. I just want you to know that I always respond. So if you're feeling called to reaching out, do it. I'm here. I'm here, and I'd love to hear from you. Thanks. Thanks everyone. Thanks for listening, for being here, for the ways that you are showing up in the world, and I'll see you again next week. Hey, yay. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. I so appreciate every single one of you and the ways that you show up for joyful courage, thank you. And did you know there are ways that you can give back? I have a Patreon page, which is a place where you basically can donate one five or $10 towards the sustainability of the program. And just as a way to say thank you, and you can check that out at patreon.com/joyful, courage. That's www, dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. I have some benefits and bonuses for people that are in my Patreon community. You can also let me know what you think by heading on over to Apple podcasts, leaving me a five star rating and a review. I love to read the reviews on air, so whenever I get a new review, I share it, and it really just helps me know what you love about this podcast, what is landing for you, what is useful, like I mentioned at the top, I am active on Instagram and Facebook, both places you can find me at joyful courage, and please know that you're always welcome to join into my Facebook groups. Live in love with joyful courage as well as joyful courage for parents of teens, yes, yes, yes, yes. We're back in the weekly mode, so I'll be back next week. Can't wait to have you listen again until then, take a deep breath. Follow it into your body. Take a moment to notice what's currently alive for you. Imagine that you can take the balcony seat for a higher perspective of whatever is currently going on in Your life and trust that everyone's going to be okay.