Eps 212: SOLO SHOW about becoming a more explicit and less resentful parent

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:02
Hey, everybody, super excited that the holiday season is upon us, and I just wanted to remind you that I have a super special something that you can give to a super special someone, and that is my book, joy for courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey was written for all parents. It was written for parents of young kids, for parents of teenagers, for moms, for dads, for any kind of caregiver. And I really want you to think about if there's someone in your life that you think could really benefit from reading it, from getting into the joyful courage mindset, you can find the print version of the book on Amazon by just searching joyful courage there. Or you can get the audiobook through audible. I'm so excited to have an audiobook that's my book, super crazy and awesome. So I just wanted to remind you that if you're kind of stumped on what to get friends or family for Christmas or Hanukkah or any other holiday that you're celebrating in the coming weeks and months, consider The joyful courage book. All right, yay, hey, hey, hey, welcome to the joyful courage Podcast. I'm so glad that you're here and that you're coming back for more. If you're a new listener, welcome, welcome, welcome. I hope that you love the show. Today is a solo show. It's just me talking to you all about what I think. And you know that I have a lot to say and a lot to share, and I'm just really grateful to have this space to bring authenticity and vulnerability to the parenting journey we are all in this together, my friends and my goal with the podcast is really to create a community that can embrace that and appreciate that, And for all of us to remember that parenting is one long personal growth and development workshop. So let's take advantage of the opportunities to grow on this path. Let's take advantage and bring some lightness to what we find ourselves learning on this journey, because the learning is never ending and you are never alone. I'm right there with you, holding your hand, walking the path alongside you. I'm really glad that you're here, and I hope that you love the show. Hey, friends, hi. I am back with a solo show for you, it's just you and me this week. It's just you and me this week. But how great was my conversation with Tanya last week. I got a lot of feedback from all of you. You really appreciated everything that she shared and the things that we talked about, and it always makes me so happy to know that the podcast makes a difference in your life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. And one thing that you can do to give back, because I know based on your feedback, that a lot of you are getting a lot of value from the podcast. One thing you can do to give back is to become a patron. And patrons are simply people who donate a little bit of money every month towards the podcast. And this is useful to me, because putting out the podcast every week, while it's free for you, it costs money for me. I have a website host Libsyn, where I put the podcast each week, and they are in charge of distributing it to Spotify and iTunes and iHeartRadio and all the places. I have a producer who gets my show files every week and puts them together and makes them really nice to listen to and adds the music I pay him to do that. And I have a show notes writer, someone who listens to the finished product and types up notes for me, so that when you are listening to the podcast and you're curious about what are the basic points and what are some of the resources that myself or my guests are sharing, you can look at the show notes, and my good friend Allison Tedford has put them all together for you, and we actually barter coaching For show notes. So it's not free for me to put this out there, and I'm not making any money off of it. However, what you will hear in 2020 is I am going to be reaching out to some sponsors, reaching out to some companies who have products that are inspiring to me and that I think will fit in the larger community's lifestyle choices. So I you will be hearing some sponsorship spots. Um. We're not going to call them commercials, because they're not commercials, but they will always be products that I use, that I find value in, and that I truly believe are something that you want to perhaps check out. So that's something to look forward to in 2020 but until then, if you want to support the podcast, if you'd like to be someone who supports in the cost of creating the podcast, you can go to patreon.com, P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage, and you'll see that there's three tiers, a $1 a $5 and a $10 tier. And you get to decide the level of support that you would like to give, and there's different perks for each level. Again, I'm super excited about this weekend, because it's a working weekend, and I'm working with my assistant project manager around how to really beef up the Patreon community. So that's going to be in the works, looking to really create some give backs for the patrons in 2020 so think about that. Think about if you'd like to support a monthly with a small monthly payment, support the podcast that you are finding so much value in. I hope that you're a yes. And thank you so much to those of you that already have said yes to Patreon. I really, really, really appreciate it. So, yeah, today, today's topic, I a couple things. So one is, I want to give you kind of an update on therapy, and I want I'm noticing something that's showing up in a lot of the conversations that I'm having with parents, with clients. I did a group coaching call with a couple of moms that went through the joyful courage Academy for parenting teenagers. They chosen to a six month group coaching program with me, so we meet monthly, and yeah, and something came up that I'm just really interested in sharing with all of you, but first, I'm going to talk a little bit about therapy, because a lot of you have reached out to me and shared that my sharing has prompted you to find support in your community. You're looking to find a therapist in your community. Some of you have never had a therapist before. It's it's something new, and you were, you had some questions for me. Others of you were curious about what I spoke about about a month ago, the somatic therapy. I'm just so grateful that you listened and that I sparked that curiosity, that you connected some dots for yourself around huh? This sounds interesting, and I think maybe this would be supportive of of my experience, and I'm going to reach out to Casey and get more information. So yay, I told you how I shopped around, right? I had, I made some Meet and Greet appointments with a few therapists in town, and I chose one that I thought was the right fit. And prior to that, I had been working with an energy worker who I loved down in the town that we used to live in, and she really encouraged me to look into therapy. And she was the one that said, you know, you might want to look at, you know, find a somatic therapist who can work with your body, and so that's where that came from, and that's what I looked for. And again, I found a gal that I thought was a good fit, and I did a few sessions with her, and I really liked her, and it was a, you know, there were some powerful moments, but after a few sessions, I started to feel a little unsatisfied with the experience. It felt a little bit slow, and the spaciousness of somatic therapy for me at that time, kind of started to feel a little bit directionless. Now, this could absolutely say something about me. I think that it does me and who I am right here, right now, and what my needs are. And you know, you've heard me speak before about my need to get things moving and fix problems, and this is too slow. And so there was definitely some of my stuff that was showing up, but I just there was just something there that felt like, you know what? This isn't. This isn't what I need right now. And so I have another really amazing friend here in the community, and she had been telling me about the guy that she goes to see that she just adores. And funny thing, I really thought I wanted to work with a woman. It was kind of a big deal for me, like, you know,

I just really was like, Okay, where's my gal? But I made an appointment to see a new person, a man. And I love this guy, and he isn't necessarily. Solving my problems and going in to fix it and and like taking the bull by the horns, but the masculine energy that is there is what I'm noticing is supporting the work. For me, it feels really balanced, right? There does seem to be spaciousness, but there's also directionality, so that masculine, feminine is really, really useful. And I think that's why I didn't want to see a man because when I think about masculine energy, you know, it's that kind of mansplaining. This is what you should do, talking down. I just, you know, I didn't want to get myself in a position where that was the energy all the time. But what I found was the other experience that I had was so feminine, right? It was this really spaciousness, and there was no beginning or end, and it was almost felt like, it felt like the extreme right, and recognizing really what I need is both. I need both. I need the masculine and the feminine energy to come together so that I feel supported right there's scaffolding around me, but also room to move.

And so I just thought it was really important to come in and say, like, Hey, I talked about this. And you know, I think when we're looking for people to help us with our mental health, we need permission, or we don't need permission, but it feels really good to have permission. To say, like, Oh, this isn't working out for me. I'm going to see what it feels like with someone else and and so, yeah, so I wanted to say that you all have permission to change up your mental health team if something feels off, and you can be unapologetic about it. And today, and this is all tied into what I want to talk about today, because it's something that's come up for me in my therapy, with my new therapist and with some of my clients. Like I mentioned just the other night, I had a coaching call with a group of moms of teenagers, and one of the moms shared some things that really prompted me to to think about bringing this conversation to the podcast, and I have a feeling that you're all going to relate to this in one way or another as well. So let me set this up and you can decide if it sounds familiar, right? Imagine that you're looking ahead to the weekend, right? And you know, because you know the schedule. You know that everyone is going to be home on Sunday, like nobody has any plans on the calendar on Sunday, and you'd really like to have a family day. You want time together, doing something together. Maybe you'll all decide to go to a movie or do a project together. But you know that time together is something you all need, and Sunday is perfect because there's nothing on the calendar. Sunday rolls around and perhaps your partner gets busy with a home improvement project that looks like it's going to last all day, and then one of your kids is made is telling you they want to go out with their friends, and gets irritated when you're saying, No, we we're going to have family time, and then maybe the other child is looking to have a little alone time, rather than together time. They just want to spend time in their room doing their thing. Literally, no one is on board with a family day. Anybody sound familiar? I mean, come on, I'm guessing it does. And maybe in response to this, maybe you use language like, oh, you know, I was kind of hoping we could do something with the kids today. Or, you know, it's really important to me that we spend time together as a family. Or, I really wish you wanted to hang out with us, right? We use these kinds of statements like, hey, you know, here's where I'm at, and I kind of wanted this. And then our people, our family members, carry on with Home Improvement, making plans with friends or retreating into their bedroom. Right? What happens to us right in this moment? What happens to us? Well, what happens to me, and I know I'm not alone. This might not be something that gets under your skin, but I'm guessing that there's a majority of you that are relating. What happens to me is I start to feel really angry and resentful. I feel slighted, I feel disrespected, I feel dismissed, and then I continue to interact with my family from that place, that place of disrespected, dismissed, the energy of the whole house shifts and everyone is now super motivated to be busy with their own thing away from mom, who has now moved into so. Blamer mode, no, from the outside looking in, this is ridiculous, right? Like, from the outside looking in, you can see, Mom, you are acting crazy, right? In this scenario. Like, why would anyone act like that? Okay, let's take a look at the facts. Right? Did I ever explicitly say to my family, hey, let's spend Sunday afternoon together and make it a plan. No, were my family rejecting me when they carried on with what they needed and planned for that day, having not had any idea that there was this other plan going on? No, did I actually fuel disconnection in my response to them? Yeah, right. Get it together. Casey, right? But in the moment again, it's easy to be on the other side looking back, or the outside looking in, but in the moment, in the moment, it feels like rejection, doesn't it feels like no one cares. There's thoughts of failure that show up, comparing ourselves to all the other families that, for sure, are just joyfully doing something wonderful with their families. What is wrong with us? Right? I have to laugh, because I posted last week on my Instagram about going out and getting a Christmas tree with the family, right? Like we had a plan that we were gonna go out and cut a tree, down at a tree lot, bring it back, decorate it. You know that kind of scenario where in your mind it's like, oh, we're gonna go do this thing, and maybe they'll have hot chocolate, and it'll be so great, just like when the kids were little, we haven't done this in a long time. Then we'll come home and we'll put the tree up, and, you know, there's like, Christmas music playing and it smells really good in the house. Yeah, is that how it rolls out? No, no, it is not. It's actually super annoying, super fun and hilarious, into really annoying, back to fun and hilarious, back to annoying, right? Like, there's this pendulum swing, moment by moment. And I was just laughing because another friend of mine posted on her instagram about the kids, you know, putting the tree up. And she did some funny hashtag around. They fought the whole day, you know. And I just was like, yes, thank you. You know, we put these pictures up, like, look at this happy family in the tree lot, and I'm looking at my face in the picture thinking, like I wanted to kill everybody in that moment. So, yeah, check on that comparison itis. And you know when we're in the moment, right, when we're in this moment where our expectations weren't acknowledged and or met, and then we're in the moment? It For Me, there's this physical experience too. And I've talked extensively about this in my book, joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey. If you don't have that book, go to my website and get it or Amazon. But all of this comes with this physical experience, which is tightness in my chest and belly, a clenched jaw, a furrowed brow, like an overall experience of tension in my body, and that physical sensation typically leads me into a mindset of poor me, gosh darn it. I'm hurt. They need to know it, right? And it's funny, too. When I'm feeling this way, I get really uptight. Shocker, I get really uptight, and all of a sudden I'm, like, super critical, right? If the kids are on their screens or their rooms are a mess, all of a sudden I can see a million things that bother me, and I'm throwing it all at them, right? We talk so much about when our kids are having meltdowns, you know, about a cookie or about the phone, and we say, hope it's not about the cookie or it's not about the phone. Like we do the same thing, we do the same thing. You know, we have our experience and can feel the tension in our body, and all of a sudden we're nitpicky and critical around all sorts of other things, and that's not even really what it's about. So just acknowledging that isn't about the screens or the rooms, it's about the hurt I'm experiencing that I actually set myself up for, right? And it can really sneak up on us, right when you expect one response and get something else. I mean, the experience, the example I shared was about like having a whole day together, not being explicit about it, and then having no one want to spend the day together. But sometimes it can simply be Hey, good morning, and getting that look of death from your teenager, and because we're not expecting it, we can often you. Know, have gets, you know, slide into this place of like, oh, how could you treat me like this? Like it's not about us, right? And this is something I'm working on with my therapist, because when my expectations are challenged, I definitely go into a fight or flight, typically, fight mode, and my thinking gets rigid, and I just kind of grasp for control. Yeah, it's a control thing for me, I think. And I'm sure this can be traced back to my the interpretations that I created around stability or instability growing up, right? So we're working it out in therapy. But if you're listening right now, like, what can we do right now? Well, if you've read my book, you know that I highlight that experience of awareness, right? I know I'm pissed and I should calm down sometimes, is coupled with that justification thought of but god damn it, they need to know how bad I am, right? Raise your hand if you know the struggle. It's like the emotional experience has these tentacles, these energetic tentacles, and it's holding us captive, because if we move through it, we move through our anger and our resentment in a positive way, and then show up from a place of connection and love, like, what does that mean? It's funny, isn't it? There's this idea

rational or irrational. There is this idea that if others don't feel our pain, they're somehow getting away with something, when the reality is what we're being triggered by is an internal experience that we're having, and then responding to others from that place of pain, and all they really are in the end is confused or perhaps scared, right? So if we think about if they don't feel our pain, they're somehow getting away with something. But in the end, because of where our pain is coming from, and not necessarily having that much to do with our kids and our family, but more of this kind of intrinsic internal experience, what we're actually doing is creating confusion or maybe fear, probably both. So how do we choose to do something different when this resentment, this unmet expectation and and all the feelings and the experiences that come with it shows up. So the first thing is, you know, we need to create space. And I'm, I'm sure that there's a lot of you that hear that phrase and it's like, okay, it's, it's kind of one of those phrases that coaches and and, and woo, woos like to use, like, we need to create space. But what does that really mean? I recently saw this meme on social media, and I thought it was so powerful that I posted it on my profile. And it's two pictures of the same person, and in the first picture, the person has a thought bubble that says, I am unworthy, and in the second picture, the same person, there's three nesting thought bubbles. And in the biggest thought bubble, it says I'm noticing, and the second one it says that I'm having the thought, and the smallest one says that I am unworthy. And do you hear the difference there? Listen again, I am unworthy versus I'm noticing that I'm having the thought that I am unworthy. Now let's put this in the context of what I've been talking about. So the first kind of gut reaction is I am being rejected, or I am being dismissed, or I am being ignored.

Creating space means, instead of that experience, we can create some distance. I am noticing that I am having the thought that I'm being rejected, dismissed, ignored. And once we can start to play with that, and it might start with nobody cares, we might go, I mean, actually we will go there, because we're always going to go to the easiest place. And the easiest place is what we're already doing and experiencing. So if we're already have that pattern of like, nobody cares, which is totally mine, nobody cares, I can hear that and remember, like, Okay, let me try this differently. I'm noticing that I'm having the thought that nobody cares, and maybe I say that more than once, right? Because it could be I'm gonna say that, and then I'm like, Man, I still feel the same way. So maybe I can use it as a kind of a mantra and get some repetition and see if I can't move through that. The next thing to do is to really ask ourselves, right? So I'm noticing that I'm having the thought that nobody cares. Is it true? I love this question Byron. Katie. I know I've mentioned her on here before. Look her up. Google her. She has really important work that is powerful. Byron b y, Byron b, y, r, O, N, Katie, K, A, T, I, E, so we ask, us ask ourselves the question, is it true? Am I being does nobody care? Or am I being rejected, dismissed, ignored? Am I unworthy? Right? Is it true? And the answer is either yes or no. If the answer is yes, I am being ignored, I am being dismissed. And we ask the question, is it true? And we really sit with the question, right? Because it's like, I'm being rejected. Is that true? Yes, it's true, right? Like we can sit, we can really move and maintain that place of justification, or we can recognize, like, is it true? Well, I didn't really let everybody know about my idea for what we were going to do today, and I'm not being rejected. The kids you know might not want to be on my plan, right? But I'm not being rejected. Or maybe like, yeah, I am feeling rejected. If the answer is yes, have a meaningful conversation with the people that you feel are involved. And I don't know if you listened or remember back and episode 174 I had such a great conversation with orange J Sofer about being more my a more mindful communicator. And I really encourage you all, I'm gonna go back and listen to it. I think we all should revisit that episode, because he was just like, super Zen and really helpful in that conversation. So we get to have meaningful conversations with people who we feel were involved with, you know, the problem that we're having, and if the answer is no, this isn't true, take care of yourself, feel your feelings, give yourself a chance to process them, journal it out, talk to a friend, talk to your therapist, be with your experience and move through it, rather than avoid it or distract yourself from feeling it. Right? Does that make sense? And you know, in the context of making plans and having expectations, what can we do to be proactive? Well, if you want something, be explicit about it, not vague. You can't expect your children to tease apart your generalizations, to hear what you're really trying to say. Kids don't know how to read between the lines, right? Let me say that again, if you want something, be explicit about it, not vague. You can't expect for your children to tease apart your generalizations to hear what you're really trying to say this sounds like, hey, Sunday afternoon, we're all going to be home, and I would like us to do something together from one to five. So please don't make any plans, right? Super clear expectations are there? Time Frame is there? It's happening. As the holidays get closer, know that you're going to be making a lot of plans and expectations in your head, right? Like that's just what we do. So take this holiday season as an opportunity to really speak into the experience that you would like to have. Be explicit, encourage and invite your family into the planning, so that they know what to expect and what you expect. But even inside of this, make sure you're finding flexibility too, because you are sharing the experience with others. It's not just about the experience that you want to have, it's also about getting curious about the experience they want to have, right? So that you're all on the same page. Even inside of that, I'd say we're all on the same page, and things go sideways all the time, and it's that's not create an experience where we think everything's going to be perfect because it won't, but we're going to up the likelihood that we're going to have a good time together, if we can be really explicit about what it is that we want and what it is that we expect, and to listen and hear from others the same thing, right? Helpful? I hope so. I love this topic, and know, please, know that I'm actively practicing all of this, all of what I shared with you today all the time, and I'm practicing it imperfectly. We're all in this together, friends. Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you with a special guest next week. Bye. You. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening. I'm so glad that you find value in the podcast. If you are so inclined, I would really, really love it if you would head on over to Apple podcasts slash iTunes, and leave a review if you love the show, if you find yourself listening every week, excited to hear a new show from joyful courage and you haven't been over to leave a review, please, please, please. Will you go do that? It's super easy. Give me five stars. Give the show five stars, and then tell the world what it is that you love. Why do you listen every week? The really great thing about this is, when you leave a review, it makes it more likely that my show will show up for people who are looking for parenting podcasts. So it's really a give back kind of situation, then I'd really appreciate it. If you're looking for more conversation and community with joyful courage, you can find our Facebook groups. There is live and love with joyful courage. Facebook group for parents of kids zero to 12, and then I have a special group joyful courage for parents of teens that are for parents of teenagers, because unless you have a teenager, well, let's just say it's really nice to talk with other people who have teenagers. It's a little discouraging when people are giving advice and they don't have teenagers yet. So I made us a special place, a special space for those of us who are parenting teens. So head over to Facebook joyful courage for parents of teens, or live in love with joyful courage. Join the conversation, join the community. You can also find a Facebook business page joyful courage, or find me on Instagram at joyful underscore courage. Thank you so much for listening. Shout out to Chris Mann, my producer and so appreciating you Chris and all that you do for the show, loving all of you, fans and friends in the joyful courage community. I'll see you next week.