Eps 218: SOLO SHOW Revisiting the power of the 3Bs

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Go, Hello and welcome. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and aren't afraid of getting super messy with it. I'm your host, Casey awardee, positive discipline trainer, parent coach, and in the trenches of the parenting journey with my own two teenagers, each week, I come at you with a solo show or an interview. You can be sure that the guests on the podcast have something important to say, and I am honored to have you listen in as I pick their brains about what it is that they are passionate about. If you are a parent looking to grow while walking the path of parenting. If you're open to learning new things, if your relationship with yourself and your kids is something you are interested in diving deeper into, then this is the place for you. After you listen, I would love to hear from you. Head over to iTunes and leave a five star review, letting others know what you love about the show, or feel free to shoot me an email at Casey, at joyful courage.com, I love hearing from listeners, and am always quick to respond if you want to be sure not to miss any of the happenings going on with joyful courage. Join my list. You'll stay updated on the podcast and events that are happening for parents, both online and live, you can join the list at WWW dot joyful courage.com/join. Yay. So glad you're here. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody. Welcome back for a solo show, just you and me today, just you and me today. And I was sitting here thinking, what do I want to talk about on the solo show? I really appreciate the space of the solo shows for just sharing what's on my mind, what's going on. There's often things that happen in the joyful courage community or in my own life that inspire me to speak into and this week is no no no different. No joke. This week is no joke. People. Earlier this week, I was interviewed by Sumita from a fine parent.com every year she puts on a online conference called the positive parenting conference, and this year, she has invited me to be a part of that, which was very exciting, very exciting, alongside A lot of amazing people in the parent ed world, and she interviewed me about my book. And it was really fun to remember that I wrote a book. I haven't been talking about it very much, but I did write a book. So those of you that are new listeners, that are looking for a resource, I have one for you. It's called joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey, and it's available on Amazon. It's also available as an audiobook. It's short and sweet and super helpful. And sumeetha Read it, and she wanted to interview me about it, so that was really, really fun to reconnect with what I shared in the book, and it was really fun also to have the opportunity to really dive into my tool that I created called the three B's. Right? Remember the three B's, breath, body balcony? Well, we got really into it and the purpose behind it, and when is an appropriate time to use it, and why is it useful? And I thought, You know what, I'm I think I'm going to podcast about this. I also spoke into it on my Facebook Live This Week with my patrons on the Super fam, joyful courage, super fam, Facebook group for people that are giving $5 a month to the podcast. They're part of a special group where they get to participate in Facebook Lives and podcast recaps. It's pretty sweet. If you're interested in becoming a patron, you should check it out. Patreon, P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage, you're gonna have to harden my voice. This week, I took my beautiful daughter to Los Angeles last weekend for her birthday. She turned 17. We went to the iHeartRadio Alter Ego concert, which was really cool. At the LA Forum, Billie Eilish opened. If you are a parent of a teenager, then you for sure know who Billie Eilish is. She is phenomenal. What a performer. It was amazing. Other highlights, The Lumineers were incredible. We. Rex, Orange County, another one that the teens love. He was great. Coldplay. They were all right. But you know, when you only have 45 minutes on the stage, fellas, I really think you should just stick to the greatest hits. All in all, it was a super fun night and a really fun way to celebrate Rowan and her birthday. So, yeah, I don't know why I started talking about that. Oh, because I so anyway, I came home with a cold, and that's why I sound like this, sorry, um, and then last night I so coming back to this conversation about the three B's. So I played with the three B's in the Patreon group, the super fam group. Last night, I had my first of six live parenting classes here in Bellingham at Bellingham Technical College. It was super fun. A lot of new parents, a lot of couples with kids under the age of five, right under the age of five, a couple people with older kids, and I got to really revisit the foundation of what positive discipline is. It's a positive discipline class. So you know, some of the main points that I like to land in those new classes, especially the first week, is supporting parents and planting the seed around parenting being more about how we be versus what we do. Parents often show up to parenting class and they're hungry for tools. They want tools. They want a script. And I get to say actually how you show up is going to be as powerful, if not more powerful, than what you do or say. And so we talked a little bit about that. I talked about the theory behind positive discipline. Did you know some of you longtime listeners, you know you've heard me talk about this, but positive discipline is actually backed by Adlerian theory. Alfred Adler is one of the first social psychologists in the early 1900s and his study of humans found that human behavior is movement towards belonging and significance, and it has everything to do with how we perceive belonging and significance. So the question of, am I connected? Am I not connected? Do I matter? Do I not matter? And humans are super social beings, right? Kids are really social beings, so we always kind of get to be looking at behavior in the context of relationship. And that's kind of heady stuff, right? That's theory. That's heady stuff. And often parents are like, yeah, yeah, okay, great, theory, but my kid won't go to bed, or my kid's back talking, or we can't get out the door in the morning, or nobody wants to do homework, right? So what do I do about that? And you've heard me, and I'm going to recap this. You've heard me, if you're a longtime listener, talk about the iceberg metaphor, right? The iceberg metaphor. So the iceberg metaphor is what we can see, right? Just like in the ocean, you see the tip of the iceberg under the surface of the water is this huge, massive part that's much bigger than the tip right of ice under the surface. So when we use that metaphor, when we're talking about behavior, what we can see is the annoying behavior, right? What we can see is kids dragging their feet, being sassy, ignoring us, not listening, fighting. You know, doing the do that's annoying, right? That's what we can see, what we can't see. And the reason the iceberg metaphor is so powerful is what's happening under the surface? Are they hungry or angry, or Lonely or Tired, is the problem that we see, perhaps a solution or a response to a problem we don't know about? Does our child have mistaken beliefs or ideas about themselves and others and the world? Do they understand how they're affecting the space around them? Do they understand what our request is?

Now, logically, when we look at the metaphor logically, it's like, oh yeah, there's if we work at the under the surface and we get curious about what's happening there, we can really make some progress with the behavior, right? Instead of just like, you know, it's like when you're sick, when you're sick at the doctor, and what you need is something that will cure your illness, not just put a band aid on it, right? So. We don't we want the long term solution, not the short term solution. The short term solution to the behaviors at the tip of the iceberg are get really mad, scream and yell, get scary, intimidate them into, you know, compliance, punish reward, threats of punishment, offers of rewards, like those are all tools, and they have a short term effect when we can remember to dig into what's happening under the surface and get really curious, to make sure that we're connecting with our kids and holding space for them to feel seen and heard. That's when we're doing actually long term repair and long term solution making around that challenge that they're having, right? But why is it so hard to remember to think about the iceberg, right? Why is it so hard for us? Well, because we're usually super pissed about what's happening at the tip of the iceberg. We're super pissed. We've flipped we're in our limbic system, emotional brain, and the only thing we're thinking about is how angry we are, or how disappointed we are, or how embarrassed we are, right? We have our own icebergs too, right? I was thinking about this. I was thinking about this today. We parents. We have our own icebergs too, in this context, right? And at the tip of our iceberg in response to our kids iceberg when we're flipped, the tip of our iceberg is our emotional, kind of instinctive reaction to the behavior we're having, right? So, you know, we flip, we yell, we, you know, threaten, we just aren't our best selves in that moment, right? We get all emotional. Our mirror neurons are triggered by our kids meltdown, and we slide right into the dance of the tantrum, what's under our surface, right? If our tip of the iceberg is our emotional reaction, which looks different for everyone, what's under the surface? Well, we also might be Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, right? When there's already something that's ticked you off, and then your kid does that. One thing that they always do that makes you crazy. Are you showing up really well? No, probably not. You're hungry if you haven't been feeding yourself well, if you're not taking care of yourself. Are you taking care to be loving and connected and grounded when your kids are having a hard time? Probably not. The other thing that happens under the surface is, Does this ever happen to you? This actually came up in the parenting class last night, and I totally related to it. Is those moments where we haven't set up the situation the way that we meant to, and so seeing our kids in the mischief that we realize we're a part of creating makes us mad, so we take it out on them. I know, like, especially around screen times when my screen time, when I don't have any screen time limits, and I'm kind of off the rails with my screen time. And then every time I turn around, I feel like I see my kids on their screens, I get really uptight, right? But really I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself. The other thing that's under the surface for us is our own conditioning and our own heavy baggage that we are carrying with us from our own experience of being parented, right? I know one example for me is and it used to really bother me. My kids get along really well. Thank God. That's not our challenge. If that's your challenge, I see you. I hear you. I know how it feels. Um, oh, there's a kitty making sound. Kitty kitty. Sorry about that. I was a really rotten oldest sister. I was mean to my sibs. Shout out to Chris and Jamie, especially, they got the brunt of my ridiculous older sister angst, and I've apologized, and we're close, super close. Now it's all good. I've made it right. However, when the kids aren't kind to each other, I get really triggered because of the emotion that I experience around my own about my own situation with my siblings. So that's something that used to really flip me really quick. And at the tip of the iceberg I would get, I would have an irrational response to them, kind of bickering to each other, right? So our conditioning, our baggage, is under the surface of our icebergs, right? Oh my gosh, so many icebergs, right? So many icebergs. So we humans were. Wired to connect. Right brain science, brain studies are showing over and over and over we are wired to connect. We're interpersonal, intrapersonal beings. And remember back in episode 215 with Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson, they talked about one of the best ways to connect with our kids and support them and show up well, is they talked about the four S's right? We need our kids need to feel seen and safe and soothed and secure, so those four S's seen, safe, soothed and secure. Our kids need that all the time. They need that when everything's going well, and they need that when they're showing up at the tip of the iceberg, right? That's when actually they need it the most. And I was thinking about this today. Isn't that what we need to, isn't that what we need to, and what happens if we learn how to offer up feeling seen, safe, soothed and secured to ourselves so that we can show up with that for our kids, right? Because we can't depend on other people. Human. Can't depend on our kids to be like, Oh, I see you, Mom, you're safe. I got you wrap their little arms around us to make us feel secure. We really get to learn how to do that for ourselves, right? We get to learn how to do that for ourselves. So back to the conversation around the three B's. I feel like the three B's is one tool that really can support us in creating those four S's for ourselves, so that, again, we can offer them up to our kids. We can show up better, more attuned, more connected, more loving. So I'm gonna take us to a little throwback, and we're gonna play with the three B's. I know I've talked about it before on the podcast, but I just feel like I'm peeling back layers and understanding every time I talk about it, every time I practice it. So I'm going to guide you through them, while also explaining deeper the purpose and power of each bee. All right, so if you're down with it, if you're somewhere that you can do this, I would invite you to find a comfortable place to sit and close your eyes, if you're out walking or if you're energizing, energizing. If you're energizing, I mean exercising. If you're exercising right now, don't worry about stopping, but you can still follow along. If you're driving, don't close your eyes, but still follow along. So the first B is breath, right? So I just invite you to bring all of your attention to the act of breathing.

Just really bring in those inhales and really let go of those exhales, noticing how it feels in your body, noticing the physical sensations of the inhale and the exhale, and I would encourage you to make your exhales slightly longer than your inhales. So inhale for a beat of two, exhale for a beat of four, right? So you want to have a shorter inhale than exhale. The breath is connected to the nervous system and directly affects the nervous system. And when we're in fight or flight, just keep breathing. When we're in fight or flight, when our lid is flipped, when we're in reaction to our kids, our nervous system is working overtime, right? We have the rapid heartbeat. We have tension in the body. We're full of adrenaline because that nervous system was designed, that fight or flight mechanism was designed to keep us safe when there was a physical threat, right? And now we're responding to our kids as if they're physical threats. So we get to train ourselves when we notice that we're in that response to bring it down a notch right, to calm the nervous system, we've got it. You've got it. Attending to breath allows for a settling in and a slowing down and an opening right. Are you feeling that as you breathe? I'm guessing you are settling in and slowing down and opening. Now we're going to move into the second B, which is body breath, and then body writing the next inhale into the body. And all your all you're doing is searching for any leftover tension. If there's still tension in the body, find it. Explore. Allow the breath to soften the body, the small muscles in your face, around your eyes, your neck and shoulders, you. Your hips, your back. We want to soften the body and open the body so that we can soften and open the mind, right? And if we start with the mind, the mind, we argue with ourselves, basically. So the three B's bypass the mind and start with the body. We let the body lead so that the mind can follow. And once you're feeling that softening in your body, you move on to the third B, which is taking the balcony seat, imagining that you can lift up and out of your body and look down at your experience as if you're watching a show from a balcony seat,

right? And what you're doing here is you're practicing accessing your outside observer, the part of yourself that is separate from your experience, right? The part of yourself that knows that you're having an experience, right? So there's inside the body I'm having my experience, but then there's one step apart, one step away, recognizing, oh, I recognize that I'm having an experience. I'm recognizing that I'm really angry right now, right so I'm so mad. Oh, I'm having thoughts of being mad. So that outside observer is really, really powerful when we start to tune in, because it gives us a little bit of space, a little bit of space. And from this place, this outside observer place, this balcony seat, I invite you to see yourself right now, and I invite you to look at yourself through the lens of compassion. Look at yourself through the lens of love. Look at yourself and consider in this moment, what is alive under the surface of your iceberg. Can you be a non judgmental observer? What happens when you get curious about your experience? What happens when you get curious about the experience that you're having, right? And this is a place to where I think it's really powerful to remember that we're all doing the best we can with the tools we have in the moment. It's also a really powerful place to remember that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, right? So let's look through those lenses at the situation that you're having and see how it offers you room to go deeper into the iceberg and really find solutions and responses that are useful, that are loving, breath, body, balcony, the three Bs, this is a practice, right? And it's a practice that becomes useful when we choose into it over and over again. It becomes useful when we become familiar with it. We have to practice. In my book, I talk about that metaphor. You know, I live in the Pacific Northwest, so when you go hiking, the trail is really worn down, right? If it's a popular hiking trail, you don't really have to think about where to go. You can see where to go, just follow the trail. And because the forest is so dense up here, and the animals take a different pathway. Usually there's little indents in the forest, right? There's little game trails. That's the word I'm looking for. And if humans decided, You know what, I'm not going to take this well worn path anymore, I'm going to start taking the game trail. It'd be really hard. It's awkward. You'd need a machete. You'd trip and probably fall on obstacles that you couldn't see. And you'd have to keep, you know, keep having this kind of awkward, difficult, uncomfortable experience on this new path until after enough goes the new path becomes worn down and the old path becomes more grown over right? The same is true when we choose into a different behavior. If we want to choose to respond to our children differently, then we have to practice over and over and over and over and over before it becomes something that's like right there, right the three B's. My invitation to you for the three B's is to practice over and over and over when you don't need it, you. Right? So the tool, yes, is useful in the heat of the moment. It's an awesome mindfulness tool to talk yourself off the ledge. However, it will not be easily accessed until you've become familiar with it, right? So here's your homework, and I've given this homework before, like I am fully aware that I've had this conversation with you all before, and can't hear it enough. I can't speak it enough. I can't hear it enough. So we're going there again today. Your homework is and shout out to my BTC parents who are listening in, this is their homework this week, too. Your homework is to set some alarms and reminders on your phone. Now I know that a lot of you, who are my super fans, you're probably laughing, thinking, Oh, I still have those old alarms, right? So let's just wipe the slate clean of any alarms that you've had that I've encouraged you to create, and let's start fresh and new. I want you to pick three times a day. Do not think about like, When am I going to need it the most? I want you to just pick super random times during the day, and I want you to do the breath body balcony practice when your phone prompts you. So you might be at work, you might be at the grocery store, it might be bedtime, and you get that prompt, and when you hear that prompt, it's just take a moment, feel your feet on the floor, bring your attention to your breath right. Bring attention to your breath, that inhale for two, exhale for four, right, softening your body, letting go of the tension, and move right up into the balcony seat and just see what you notice when you are practicing this tool over and over. See what you notice, and see if it isn't useful in the moments where you find yourself perhaps frustrated with other people in your life, children, grown ups, pets yourself, right? Use it intentionally, so that you get familiar with this little reset throughout your day and see how it becomes more useful when you're really triggered and you really need it, all right? And please do me a favor. Do me a favor. Let me know what you think about this practice. I would love for you to email me at Casey, at joyful courage.com. I always respond to emails. I want to know, how does your practice, how is it working? How's it helping you? What are your questions? Where are you stuck? Or you're welcome to jump into the live in love with joyful courage group on Facebook, or the joyful courage parent of teens group on Facebook. Any of those community spaces are great places to talk about your three B's practice. Alright, that's what I wanted to come in and share with you today. I hope that you find that useful. I know I'm going to wipe off, wipe all my alarms, off my phone, and start fresh and really commit to this practice. Because when I'm committed to the practice, I do better. And that's the goal. The goal is to do better. So I hope you all have a beautiful week. Thank you so much for listening in. I'm really excited next week. I have an interview to share with you, and I know you're gonna love it. So stay tuned for that. Don't forget about the Adolescent Mental Health Mini summit that starts next week. It starts next Monday. And just to remind you, yes, it's absolutely for parents who have teenagers that are struggling with mental health issues, but it's also 100% for everyone who is a parent, who participates in the parent community, in the parenting village, because I promise you, I promise you, someone in your circle has a child who's struggling, and they need you to be more educated, so that you can be more helpful and supportive, right? So that you can understand a little bit about what they're going through, so that you can be there for them. So it's a free Summit. It's only five interviews over five days, low risk. It's like I said, it's free. Just go to my website. Joyful courage.com/m, H, mini Summit. All one word, M, H, M, I n, i s, u, M, M, I T, right? Joyful courage.com/mini, Summit. All you got to do there is give me your name and your email, and that is how I'm delivering the mini Summit. It's not coming through the podcast, so if you're interested, you have to register. All right. All right, friends, thank you for sticking around. Thanks for listening and really appreciating you. Joyful courage, community, you are amazing. Big. Thanks and love to my team, including producer Chris Mann at pod shaper. Please be sure to join in the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage Facebook group, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google Play, iHeartRadio, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage programs and my coaching offers over at the web page. Simply head to www.joyfulcourage.com to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. If you want to give back to the show, and I really hope you do become a patron, click donate on the website to give back to the show that gives you so much. Any comments or feedback about this episode, or any others can be sent to [email protected]

I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everything is going to be okay.