Eps 226: SOLO SHOW Parenting in the age of Covid-19

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Go, Hello and welcome. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and aren't afraid of getting super messy with it. I'm your host, Casey awardee, positive discipline trainer, parent coach, and in the trenches of the parenting journey with my own two teenagers. Each week, I come at you with a solo show or an interview. You can be sure that the guests on the podcast have something important to say, and I am honored to have you listen in as I pick their brains about what it is that they are passionate about. If you are a parent looking to grow while walking the path of parenting. If you're open to learning new things, if your relationship with yourself and your kids is something you are interested in diving deeper into, then this is the place for you. After you listen, I would love to hear from you. Head over to iTunes and leave a five star review, letting others know what you love about the show, or feel free to shoot me an email at [email protected], I love hearing from listeners, and am always quick to respond if you want to be sure not to miss any of the happenings going on with joyful courage. Join my list. You'll stay updated on the podcast and events that are happening for parents, both online and live. You can join the list at WWW dot joyful courage.com/join. Yay. So glad you're here. Enjoy the show. Hi, hey, listeners. Hi. Oh my gosh, so I'm recording this on Sunday. Today is a solo show. It's just me and you today. I'm recording this on Sunday. It will go live in two days, on Tuesday, and I can't not talk about covid, 19, the coronavirus. I know it's everywhere. You might be sick of hearing about it, but it just feels irresponsible to not talk about it right now. On the podcast, I had an interview last week with Christina Kuzma go out, which was awesome. I hope you caught it. And of course, I recorded it before school was closed, before things got super real in the United States, and I didn't mention it, and it felt really weird to, like, have it out in the world, and re listen to it and realize, like, wow, there's this major, major thing happening. And I'm not talking about it, but so anyway, I'm talking about it today, because it is absolutely right here right now, and the reality for the world right now, and the reality for parents is that our kids are home with us, most of us, right? I mean, who's still in school? I don't know. I think there might be some people still in school, but we've been out for a week,

and whoa. I just want to start with Whoa, right? This is a weird and wild time. We're facing something that few of us have ever experienced before, and the news and our leadership and the unknown like it's all right there. Everywhere we turn right, it exists, this pandemic that we are facing globally, globally, like, what? When have we ever had something that the entire globe is dealing with? I don't know. I mean, it's kind of awesome. And some, like, awesome, I don't mean awesome. Like, Whoo, yeah, cool. I mean awesome, like, awe inspiring,

right? Like, it's big. I've been listening to a lot of Dr Shefali. Do you know dr Shefali? I'm guessing a lot of you probably know who she is. She's an on an author and a conscious parenting guru, and she was talking about right here, right now, and this time as a chiropractic spiritual realignment. And I really just appreciate her message that she's been live streaming so much of through her Facebook page and a group that she created called, I think it's called, get super powered. What is it called? Actually, I'm going to check because I want you all to know what it's called and join, because it's a really great place where she's showing up and there's good resources. And this book that she just wrote, which I'm telling you, I will get her on this podcast to talk about this book, but basically, it doesn't come out till September, but it's, you know, the way she looks at it is it was written for right now. So she and her co author are teaching the lessons from the. Book, and the group is called super powered transform anxiety into resilience. And that's on Facebook, and you should check it out, because she's brilliant. I love her take on the world because she speaks so much into being with impermanence, being with uncertainty, right? Impermanence and uncertainty aren't new. You all have been listening to me talk about this for the last six months and beyond. Right? As I navigate all there is to navigate with my teens, I talk about uncertainty, I talk about surrender, I talk about radical acceptance right and being with what is right now, and I know you are in your own practices of this, because you let me know I love almost every day I love that I get emails from listeners who are reaching out to tell me that my story is their story, that they are in the muck with their teens, and they feel so good about not being alone. They've I get emails about, you know, how listening to this show and the guests and my solo shows have really helped them out of a dark place. And yeah, you're not alone. All of us live in daily uncertainty, like coronavirus or no,

we all like uncertainty is always there. We never know how things are going to turn out, although many of us live under the illusion that we do. We live under the illusion that we can control the events of our lives. Now we might have influence. We do definitely have influence, and we have choice, and we have free will, of course, but control, total control. Now, we all have the unexpected show up in our lives, right? People die, accidents happen. You know, economic downturns show up. You just never know what's going to happen. We make plans, we cross our fingers, we do our doing, and whatever happens, happens, right? I mean, I like to sit with this from a place of expecting goodness, right? I like to sit from a place of things happen for a reason. Things are always moving me forward. Life happens for me, not to me. I like to hold that mindset, but even when we have that mindset, right, an abundant mindset versus a scarcity mindset, or optimistic mindset versus a pessimistic mindset, regardless what happens happens, right? And much of it is not in our control. I've been so fascinated by listening to people share about how there isn't really any more uncertainty because of the coronavirus. It just feels that way because we've been under the impression that we know what's going to happen in our lives. We had our routines, we had our rhythm. We knew what to expect each day, but this pandemic has yanked that comfy security blanket away, and we have no choice but to stare down this uncertainty right. It's right there every time we turn on the radio, every time we turn on the TV, every time we go to connect over social media, there it is, and oh man, it is so uncomfortable, right? It's so uncomfortable. Okay, so I'm I want to be here to help. I want to be useful. I want to be a helper, right? Yes, it's uncertain times. And yes, we have kids to raise and jobs to try to do from home, and bills to pay, and God, they want to eat all the time, right? There's so much. So I reached out. I wanted to talk about all this today, right? And I want to, I'm my goal with this show is really for you to feel as always, seen and heard and supported. I want you to feel supported. I want you to feel like you know, like you're not alone. All right, so I reached out to some of the members of my Patreon group and asked them what their biggest challenges are in this new normal, and my guess is you're gonna hear your own challenges in what they shared. Right? So first person to jump in to the conversation was Audrey. And Audrey has a four year old, and she shared that keeping her fear and anxiety under wraps was a big challenge that fear and anxiety can show up as irritability and impatience. Also, Audrey's a single mom, so never having a break, because there's no adult to leave me my four year old complaining anytime I take time for myself or the meals I'm making that are lacking creative. Activity gratitude, because I also asked, I asked, What are your challenges and what are you grateful for? So gratitude that Audrey spoke into was extra time to do art with her daughter, all the outside time with her when the weather allows, the fact that her mom is taking this world and what's happening seriously and being very careful, and she recognizes that she has really awesome neighbors in case she needs something. And then she's also grateful that she saved all of the old cloth wipes and the wet bag from when she did cloth diapering in case she really can't get toilet paper. What I love that Audrey mentions is how her fear and anxiety can show up as irritability and impatience. I am absolutely noticing this with myself as well and My poor son. I don't know why it's him, but he gets the brunt of my irritability. And it's funny, you know, I'm not in a panic. I've been meditating and journaling and listening, like I said to a lot of Dr Shefali, and I'm telling myself I'm not really anxious, and yet the anxious energy is in my body, and it's manifesting in my short ish temper with my son. So sorry to Ian. So in this time, just like every other time of our life, but now it's like, you know, the metals, the rubbers hitting the road, metal to the pedal, pedal to the metal.

It's really important that we're taking care of ourselves, right? We have to, we have to take care of ourselves. We have to be able to release the fear and the worry.

Because even if we tell ourselves with our mind, like, I'm good, I'm not worried, there is so much underlying anxiety right now in our society that it exists inside of us as well. It just does. And so some things to do to help yourself, meditation, right? Get a get a meditation app. Most of them are free. I love Insight Timer. Some people love calm. There's other ones. Just this morning, I did a meditation that was, is a new meditation. It was a 30 minute meditation, and it was all about, you know, dealing with anxiety because of coronavirus, like, literally, that's what the meditation was about, and it was so useful. Plus, if you have someone that you're following, if you love Brene Brown or Jack Kornfield or Tara Brock, you know, chances are if you google them or look them up on social media, Glennon, Doyle, Gabby Bernstein, they're all live streaming really powerful talks and meditations and offerings. So remember who your favorite people are, and go find them, and you might be surprised by the support that that is out there right now. Journal, dump it all out through writing, right? And if you're not a big writer, bullet list it or draw doodle, do whatever you need to do, let your hands and your utensil

be the conduit to get the fear and worries out of your body and onto the page right do yoga. There are some fantastic online yoga teachers. I love Leslie Fightmaster because she's married to my friend from high school, Duke. Shout out to Duke Fightmaster, his wife has a huge YouTube following Fightmaster Yoga, and I just found today that she's got a 90 Day Fix Program. And I did day one today. I haven't done yoga in a long time. It was a 30 minute yoga class. I could not do all of it. My shoulders are weak. The chaturangas kind of killed me. But guess what? My plan is to do it every single day and be witness to how my body becomes more flexible and more strong. And I'm stoked about that. I'm going to do it because I have to move my body. And maybe you're a runner, or maybe you're a rower, I don't know, do something where you're moving your body, because moving our body is moving energy, right? And this anxious, worried energy, we've got to, we've got to move it. We got to get it going and get it out, even if it's going to come back, which it probably is, that's okay. But let's be in the practice of like, oh, noticing, like, God, I am not very patient. I am really snapping a lot and thinking, Okay, what do I need? Did I take care of myself today? Did I do my thing? Did I do my meditation? Maybe we do it. Maybe we meditate at the morning and in the night, right go to sleep, listening to a meditation. And then the final thing. Thing. I mean, there's lots of ways to take care of ourselves, take a bath, call a friend. You know, there's a lot of things. I'm just highlighting four in my little podcast here. The other one I want to mention is to get out into nature, right? And to listen to listen. Listen to the birds, listen to the the wind in the leaves and the trees see the buds. Because even though this pandemic is happening, nature is coming back to life. At least up here in the northern hemisphere, we're moving into spring, right? Things are coming to life. I'm seeing bait like fuzzy baby deer everywhere, and buds on the trees and the daffodils are blooming, look around, because nature is about to go into full bloom, and we can take some advice from nature, right? Nature doesn't care that there's a pandemic. Nature's just gonna keep doing its thing, right? And probably nature's like, oh man, thank God that humans are reining it in. We have no choice, right? We have to get creative. We have to take care of ourselves. Slow down. And actually, we have a choice, but I'm just really encouraging you to slow down. Now is the time to create some new habits in taking care of ourselves. Another patron that shared about her experience is Kristen. She has three boys, 911, and 13, and what she shared was, school is like medicine for my kids, with my kid with ADHD, and my other child with anxiety. Without it, they are really struggling, and I'm struggling to stay afloat and healthy in my responses, I'm finding gratitude in that I know this is going to teach us to get back to the basics and find joy and simple pleasures. Yes, yes. I love the language that Kristin uses school is like medicine for her kids, all the more useful to create a rhythm and a routine to your days, and I'm not talking about the super fancy, color coded routines that have been floating around Facebook and Instagram, although, if that works for you, great, more power to you. But I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about a rigid, regimented you know, hour by hour routine. I'm talking about working with your child to co create some rhythm, right? Does that make sense? Rhythm, rhythm. So I want you to find some rhythm to the days that you're having. When are they getting up? What time is breakfast, and are they helping you cook? Is that an expectation? It should be right. What are you all focused on during the morning, between breakfast and lunch? What's happening at lunch? This is another great time for the kids to contribute. They can set the table. They can help make lunch. They can clean up. What's happening between lunch and dinner. What is What does learning time look like? What does that mean to you? What does it mean to them? Do the kids have teachers that have sent home work? Are they online? If yours are little, how are you playing? Because this is how littles learn through play, right? So, creating a rhythm. And you know, when we create a rhythm like this, we try it for a week, and then we get to come together and be like, did that was that useful? How do we feel? What would make it better? What needs to be tweaked? Okay, we'll try something new this coming week. Does that make sense? I'm going to share a really fun resource with you in a little bit, but that's what I want to say about rhythms and routines, and I'll mention it again. Simone, another patron, mom to a 15 and a 17 year old wrote, trying not to over analyze every move my youngest is making. So get this amount. Is there, you know, her lack of interest in most things, including during on online school. She's worried that, you know, because there was some depression at the end of last year, that that could happen again this year. She's worried about if they have a trip planned for Australia in August, and if flights are canceled, will that push her daughter over the edge? Simone is grateful, so thankful that we still have face time and the Internet to feel connected with friends and family. Also grateful for every glimmer of interest in doing something with us outside of their rooms. Yes, yes. I love that gratitude. And just like Simone is talking about, I think for all of us, it's so easy to slide into the what ifs, what if you know? What if they don't learn enough, what if next year, whenever school starts again, my. Kids, the dumbest one in the class. What if,

you know, what if they're on their screens too much? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if we get crazy with the what ifs? What if we trust that our kids are going to be just fine, even if they aren't super motivated to do their online school? What if we remember that one day we will look back at that, that one time when there was that global pandemic, and see that while it made an impact on our lives, of course, it's going to make an impact on our lives. The disruption to the academic piece is really the least of our worries when we look back, I am guessing that when we look back, we're gonna laugh at ourselves at how uptight we've become about about what the learning and the academics should look like. I mean, this is an amazing time to take some lessons from our homeschooling and unschooling friends. Thank you. Thank you to all the homeschoolers and unschoolers that are sharing. I know you don't want to be the spokespeople for all things homeschool, now that we're all homeschooling, but I just am really grateful that there are so many people that this has been their jam, you know. And they really get letting kids take the lead in their learning, you know. And ultimately, sorry. But my my thoughts on public school is that the system is outdated and flawed and not child centered, and we've all just gotten so used to it that try and change it is nearly impossible. Well, in comes the coronavirus, right. In comes the coronavirus, and now, now we have to do it differently. So what do your kids want to learn about? What are they curious about? What can you study? You don't even need to go anywhere. We have the internet, and I acknowledge my privilege in just being able to say that we have the internet. Not everybody does.

And what happens when we let our kids take the lead, and I don't mean like, sit back and just wait. You know, there's encouragement, there's, you know, there's conversations that happen. But what if we come from a place of excitement, like, oh my gosh, this is so cool. You don't have to be confined to this system and the structure that you've been inside of your whole life, we are gonna we just blew the walls open, and now learning can look however you want it to look. And I say that, and I'm like, geez, case you should, you should listen to yourself. And I am, I am listening to myself. Last week was the first week of like, what's this gonna look like this week? This week is really going to be a week of experimenting with how we can bring, you, know, some brain development, right, some learning into into our space, although, I must say, at our family meeting tonight, my son said that one of the things he's going to work on this week is to keep up with his math group. So his teacher, his math teacher, did post work that they need to do, and he has a really eager group of math classmates who are meeting online and and talking math. So anyway, let them lead. And then my friend Heidi mama too, and I think her oldest is 11, maybe 12, and then the youngest, I think, is eight. She's also a long time client. I've been working with Heidi for the last three plus years. She's definitely become a friend and somebody that I love. Heidi wrote that some I love this, some of the things you can hear. Well, first, let me say, I can I just love the language that she is. I can hear her learning, her joyful courage, learning and how she shares. Okay, some of the things I think about can be viewed as both and grateful to be working from home, and it can be a challenge, as this is new for many to navigate, and I recognize that some people don't even get this as an option, grateful for time and space, for things to slow down, enjoy the little things, and recognize when the kids are asking for my attention and when sometimes I have not been as present as I could be. And it can be challenging to try and figure out how one day we were with other people, and now we're not. Heidi goes on to share, we don't live in an area or a neighborhood with a lot of people, so we do not organically see others outside unless we go to the people. So far, we haven't even gone to visit grandma and grandpa across the lake, and the kids haven't wondered too much about this, although I know the other little cousins are visiting them today, I try to reframe social distancing with physical distancing. And still, this is so hard to wrap my head around for a long period of time. Can we eventually go hang out and be firm on that when we do when we do so we'll respect. Each other and stay six feet away from each other. This is all new. I'm a hugger. I'm a hugger too. Heidi, she continues to write for homeschool. I'm grateful that my kids will be able to help navigate this for themselves once they have information from their teachers next week. And I'm not a teacher, my son has had a great year. Will this impact him? My daughter struggles in math, and this has been a big year with a new math curriculum. How will this impact her? For me, I'm grateful for having been practicing positive discipline and my work with you, Casey, to have that as a foundation for me and my family. We actively have family meetings, routines, this is all practice, not perfection. My kids each have a whiteboard and are in creation of helping to make their own routines, which I thought was so cool to see. As often when I make a routine, they roll their eyes. The word of encouragement I try to lean into allow is to allow space for flexibility, yes, Heidi, yes, flexibility. And I love how Heidi speaks into the things she already has in place that are supporting the whole family during this time, routines and family meetings. And speaking of family meetings,

I have recently revamped my family meeting e course, which is six emails over six weeks that support families in creating this new and super powerful routine, I'm making it available for free for families that are ready to go the next level with it. I've also added some other resources to a web page to support you during this weird coronavirus time,

right? So I'm making some of my older programs free. I have some downloadables down, printables, downloadables, printables available about routines and agreements. I have a bunch of stuff for you. Okay, if you're interested, I want you to go to joyful courage.com/corona I know it's funny. Joyful courage.com/c O, R, o n, a, and that's where you're going to find a bunch of stuff from me that I think will be helpful to you during this time. So I want to be in service, family, meetings, routines, self care. This is the foundation we need to be present and flexible during this time. This is what we need to be with, the uncertainty that we're, you know, staring in the face. Remember, this is where we have control. We can have family meetings, we can create routines, we can take care of ourselves. This is where we can create a feeling of being empowered, right, and a sense that, you know, we're anchored, we're grounded in the groundlessness of it all. And finally, I have one more person that shared that I want to tell you about, and that was mama Melissa. Mama of Melissa, she has three kids. She wrote my challenges are similar to others. I've struggled with not having space or time away from my kids. I'm trying to juggle homeschooling all three, because they thrive when learning in a structured way. Her gratitude is that her neighborhood has really risen to the occasion by offering each other support. Also, I am taking this as an opportunity to reassess our priorities. For instance, if none of us miss swimming lessons, why are we even doing them? Why don't we always go for walks and play games? I love this. Thank you, Melissa. I love this message of simplifying our lives, reassessing what is important. You know, who is loving this pandemic Mother Earth, she can breathe again. Her water in many places are running clear. We humans have been on this crazy consumer roller coaster, and this whole thing is forcing us to stop and reassess and the opportunities that exist when we are forced to stop and slow down, time together, time to soothe and to heal and to tend and to be slow down, connect, reconnect, if you

need to. And if you're a parent who has teens and they're having a really hard time and you're really in the Battle of trying to keep them at home, go under the surface of the iceberg, my friends, because I promise you that the more you work on relationship with that teenager, the easier this all is going to be, and the more cooperative they're going to show up, right?

I promise you that relationship. It matters more now than ever before, right? And if you're screwing up the homeschooling, but you're playing games and taking walks in nature, you are winning. Okay? I

want to say big thanks to my Patrons for all of their contributions for this particular show. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing so candidly with me, I made the ask this morning, and I'm so grateful that so many of you jumped in to share about your experience. If you are listening and you're wondering about this whole patron thing, it's really easy to find out more just go to patreon.com/joyful.

Courage. That's P, A, T, R, e o n.com/joyful, courage. And you can sign up to be a patron. And really, patrons are supporters of the podcast. Right for $5 a month, you get to be part of the super fam. Your Money goes right back into the podcast because I pay my editor to edit my shows so they sound really good, and I pay for somebody to do the show notes, right? And then I pay for a place to put my podcast and my website. There's a lot of cost that comes with this free offer that I have every week for you, and so becoming a part of the super fam. $5 a month is a great way just to give back and to be in the exchange of energy with me. And when you join, you get to come into our Facebook group where I do weekly lives on Mondays and podcast recaps on Fridays, and starting this month, actually tomorrow, but by the time you're listening to this, it will have been yesterday. I'm doing a monthly office hours on Zoom, where parents can show up and get some coaching from me, just hanging out in zoom for two hours, and the door is open for coaching and conversation. So check it out. Okay, I want you to check it out. Patreon.com/joyful, courage, P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage, and get your hands on the free resources I have available for you right now on my website, at joyful courage.com/corona, and finally, don't forget that the sex ed for parents of teen Summit is happening. It's on. It's online, so I don't have to cancel. Yay. It's happening April 6 through the 10th. The cost for the summit is $29 until the day we start, and then it'll jump up to $49 so you want to enroll now, you do not want to miss this. The guests are amazing, five expert guests having five different conversations that are relevant and useful. We talk about all the things you guys we talk about, you know, how to name our values, how to create boundaries, how to talk about consent and porn and sexting, and you know, what's a healthy relationship, and what about the LGBTQ kids, and all the things we talk about, all The things. And my team is putting together a gorgeous ezine, like a download, little ebooklet, with all of the content from the interviews inside that is just going to be beautiful. And I'm super stoked about that. It's so good. Sign up now at joyful courage.com/s. E M S, sex ed mini Summit. Joyful courage.com/s. E, M, S, all the links that I've mentioned in today's during today's show will be in the show notes. I love you. I love you people. I'm so grateful for this community. You're so amazing. If you love this show, will you do me a favor right now? And will you if you're listening, most of you listen on your phone, so I want you to take a screenshot of of you listening to the podcast, and will you just share it around? And just say, Hey, listen to this podcast today. Take a screenshot. You can throw it into your Instagram story or on your Facebook page or wherever you want, and just say, Hey, everybody, check this out. Because one of the things I would love to do is make a bigger impact, and making a bigger impact requires a bigger audience, and you are the ones with all the power here, because people listen to you, your friends, your family, you say, Hey, I love this podcast. You will too. That's what they need to hear. So take a screenshot, pass it around, share it in your social media channels. I will be back next week with a brand new interview for you all. Thank you. I see you. Stay home, wash your hands, enjoy your time. I know, take a pause, take a breath. This is a whole new world.

Thank you so much for listening. It is my great honor to create this show for all of you. Big thanks to my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper, for his work in making the podcast sound oh so good. If you're interested in continuing these powerful conversations that start on the podcast, become a patron by heading to www dot. Patreon.com/joyful, courage. That's www dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. For $5 a month, you will have access to a private Facebook group where I do weekly Facebook lives on Mondays and interview recaps on Fridays. Plus it's a great way to give back to the show that gives you so much. Be sure to subscribe to the show. Head to Apple podcast, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Google Play wherever you are listening to podcasts, and simply search for the joyful courage podcast and hit that subscribe button. Join our communities on Facebook, the live in love with joyful courage group and the joyful courage of parents of teens groups are both safe, supportive communities of like minded parents walking the path with you. If you're looking for even bigger, deeper support, please consider checking out my coaching offer. Www dot joyful courage.com/coaching is where to go to book a free explore. Call with me and we can see if we're a good fit. I'll be back next week. Can't wait until then. Big Love to you. Remember to find your breath, ride it into your body, take the balcony seat and trust that everything is going to be okay.