Eps 233: Solo with Casey exploring awareness and learning to let go of the beat up

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Down. Hello and welcome. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and aren't afraid of getting super messy with it.

I'm your host, Casey awardee, positive discipline trainer, parent coach, and in the trenches of the parenting journey with my own two teenagers, each week, I come at you with a solo show or an interview. You can be sure that the guests on the podcast have something important to say, and I am honored to have you listen in as I pick their brains about what it is that they are passionate about. If you are a parent looking to grow while walking the path of parenting. If you're open to learning new things, if your relationship with yourself and your kids is something you are interested in diving deeper into, then this is the place for you. After you listen, I would love to hear from you. Head over to iTunes and leave a five star review, letting others know what you love about the show, or feel free to shoot me an email at [email protected], I love hearing from listeners, and am always quick to respond if you want to be sure not to miss any of the happenings going on with joyful courage. Join my list. You'll stay updated on the podcast and events that are happening for parents, both online and live. You can join the list at WWW dot joyful courage.com/join.

Yay. So glad you're here. Enjoy the show. Hello. Hi, friends. It's been a couple weeks, I'm so glad to be here solo with you, just the two of us, life keeps lifeing. Right? If you're in the US, quarantine keeps quarantining. I have personally been in the practice of riding the waves of all the things over here, and I'm going to share a little bit about that with you in a moment. But before I get into the content, I want to give a shout out to my daughter, Rowan.

So Rowan is learning about coding and social media management, and she will be doing more of my Instagram posts in the future. So I would encourage you to head over to joyful underscore, courage on on Instagram, and show her a little bit of love. Super grateful that she's helping me out over there. I also want to take a minute and highlight my very first review, the first review I ever got on iTunes. It was over five years ago, almost five and a half years now that I started this show. Isn't that crazy that it's been that long? Shout out to all of you who've been with me from the beginning, my very first review came in, and it was from a fellow podcaster. Her name is Lauren fire and she wrote on May 29 almost five years ago, 2015 she wrote passionate and inspiring podcast. I love your passion for this topic. Thanks for creating such great content and helping out parents. Welcome to the podcasting world. Lauren fire from the inspiring mama Podcast. I'm sharing this because I remember reading this review and it meant the world to me. It meant so much to me that somebody had listened to the show and taken the time to write me a little love note. Since Lauren chimed in, over 100 of you have left me little love notes and let me know what you think about the show through rating and reviewing on iTunes. I am really hoping that more of you write in. So here's the deal, reviews on iTunes support the show because they trigger iTunes to make the show visible to even more people who are looking for parenting, support and inspiration. You know, like the amount of reviews you get, kind of bumps you up the list on

just being visible to people that show up in iTunes. If you aren't sure how to leave a review. I want you to head over to www dot joyful courage.com/itunes,

review all one word. And I've created a tutorial there to help you out. So it would be amazing if you would go in there and leave my show a review, because lots, more than 100 of you are listening every week. And if we could just flood, flood, flood, flood that, um, review for joyful courage, then you know, it'll have a snowball effect, and more people will listen. And if more people listen. In, then more people will be ever better at really tuning in to the parent that they want to be, right, and that makes the world a better place for all of us. Also, a little bit of news, I have moved to Wednesdays for release days like surprise today's Wednesday last week was the first week that I did that, and those of you on my email list were informed last week about the change, but with everything going on with my husband's health, this was a move I needed to make. Thank you for understanding. We often on Mondays and Fridays, head to Seattle for his treatment. And yeah, Monday is no longer. Are reliable workdays for me. So we bumped the show date, release date, to Wednesdays. There's that all right, the last time I spoke with you all I Well, the last time I was solo, I talked about lid flipping and respect and striving to do what's effective, rather than thinking there's a right way or a wrong way. You guys loved that show. I got a lot of emails and comments and text messages from people saying how much you appreciated that show. And I re listened to it, and I was like, Damn, that was a good show. I'm so glad that I've put it out there for all of you, if you haven't checked it out, it's Episode 231, and, yeah, it's, you know, I talk a lot about our own behavior, right? Parents behavior? I know that as a parent educator, often people come to me, as I said in that other show, and they want to talk about their kids behavior, but eventually we start talking about the parents behavior, because that's really what this is all about. Spoiler, most of you get that today. I want to talk about beat up, and how we can beat ourselves up for making mistakes. So there tends to be two extreme ends of the spectrum when it comes to parenting mindset. And I don't mean philosophy, I just mean in how we how we show up, and this will make sense as I go. So there's those of us who have a crazy, unattainable ideal that we're trying to live up to. Typically, it's one where we don't make any mistakes, and we show up perfectly in all the roles that we play. And we hold this idea that if we are perfect, then our kids will be perfect, everybody will be perfect. You know, there'll be no pain and suffering, and that's the ideal, right? None of us can ever really get there, but we think that's where we should be.

And sometimes when we're in that mindset, and that's kind of where we live. The self talk may sound like, I have to be more present with the kids. I'm not present enough, right? Or I have to be making more home cooked meals. I'm they can't eat any crap. I'm going to, like, exhaust myself making home cooked meals. I've got to catch up on house cleaning and laundry and yard work, and everything needs to be done, and it needs to be done now, and I've got to lose some weight also, right? Like, we're hyper aware that there are steps that we should be taking to move in the direction of the life we

want to create. Actually, we are hyper aware that they are there are steps we're not taking, and if we would just take those steps, we would be living this ideal life, right? And if we're not taking the steps and aren't creating the perfect life, we crap collapse into this feeling of defeat, right? We set the ideal so impossibly high we don't need it. And so then we move into defeat. Our awareness is high. Beat up is also high, and it's a really tough place to find ourselves, right?

Because we're not good enough, we're not good enough parents, we're not good enough chefs, we're not good enough housekeepers, we're not, you know, we're we don't look good enough,

we're not enough, right? Awareness is high. Beat up is high. And then there's this other opposite extreme. There are those of us that are shooting from the hip all the time. We're in reactive mode all the time, and it's not just with our families. It's everywhere in our lives. And if everyone else can't get with the program, that's their problem. We don't see why anyone needs to be in a parenting class or read a book or doing any of this BS self help stuff, because we see the world clearly through our lens and know what to do in any given situation. We'll just know, right? We're the people who don't take any ownership of our kids behavior.

They're just, you know. Spoiled or entitled or rotten, or, you know, bad. The question when our kids get into mischief is often, what do I have to do to you to get you to behave, right? So in this extreme personal awareness is low, beat up is also low, because we're just kind of in, in, in cluelessness, unless you consider the beat up we do to others who make life hard for us, right? Little bit of a victim mentality here too. Now I don't imagine that there are a lot of people in the second group listening to my podcast, because you all know how invested I am in personal growth and how passionately I believe in the ways parents influence the behavior they see from their kids. So I think those people might listen for a second, and then they'd be like, Oh, this is bunch of crap. It's fine, but I think it's valuable to consider those two extremes right to highlight and and name those two extremes. I think most of us, especially most of us right, are in the joyful courage community, tend to fall somewhere in the middle, right. We might have an ideal, right. We might have an ideal when it comes to parenting and how we show up in the world, but it is. It's more of a compass for the direction we want to be headed, not necessarily an a destination that we can ever arrive at. Now we might think to ourselves, well, it would be nice to arrive there, but we're also aware that it's really about the journey and not the destination, right? It's about the journey, not the destination. How are we showing up on the journey versus everything? Should be perfect all the time, because we get that life is uncertain and unpredictable, and how we respond to what shows up matters and influences the unfolding, you know. And when I say that, I think specifically of my own situation, as I've shared with you all, my husband had that surprise spine surgery where they found multiple myeloma, and now we're on the you know, we're in the cancer world, and I'm noticing how people, you know, when somebody says, how are you? And I respond with good and how that feels awkward to say, How can I be good when my husband is battling cancer? And really it's this. I get that life is uncertain and unpredictable, and I understand that how I respond matters and influences how it unfolds. And I'm really grateful that my husband also we had a conversation about this last week like it's very clear in front of us, we have two choices. We can be angry about what's going on, and we can resist it, and we can want to blame someone or something, or, you know, really sit in the victim of, why us, right? Why us, why our family? Or we can meet it as it unfolds, and we can take it one day at a time, and we can be in acceptance. And when you consider those two options, one adds to the suffering and one doesn't. And at this point, I don't really want to add any more to the suffering, like we're already dealing with cancer. I don't need to pile on pain and discomfort, because why us? Why me? Why do I have to be the wife of a guy with cancer? Why does this have to happen to my family? What do we ever do like I don't want to have that conversation, because it's pointless conversation. Right, Life is uncertain and unpredictable, and how we respond to what shows up matters and influences the unfolding. Right? We also see our kids as our own, as their own, separate entities, right, right? And when things start to go sideways, we take a step back and consider what we might be doing to contribute to how they are behaving. That's not the same as I'm making this happen, right? This isn't that would be in that first kind of victimy mindset, right? But really like, how am I adding? How can I be with what's happening with my kids in a way that's helpful, not hurtful, right? In a way that, like I shared about my husband, in a way that is accepting and nurturing and forward moving right, we try to remember that our children are on their own journey, and that they belong to themselves first and foremost, and we get to do some caretaking for the first part, but ultimately, they belong to themselves right? And we, those of us in the middle of those two extremes, we do the best. We can, and we get that the house isn't going to always be clean. And man, it's so nice when it is, and meals aren't always perfect. And yes, yay for takeout and meal kits, and it is impossible to be present for our families. 24/7, we do the best we can. We meet life as it unfolds, the best we can. Awareness is high most of the time, and beat up, it might show up, but it doesn't take over. It's something that lives inside of this awareness, meaning, when we go there, we work towards recognizing that it isn't useful or true. We let go the beat up, we move on. We make it right. We try something new. Next time, I'm going to give you an example of this. So last night, I became aware of something that my husband did that sent me right into judgment and a feeling of loss of control. My experience first was surprised, quickly followed by disappointment, quickly followed by fear. My tummy was really tight, my jaw was clenched, my shoulders became rigid, and I did what I do when I feel that way is I went on attack, blame, shame, humiliate, right? That is my defensive pattern that I go in when I'm feeling this way, and this surprise, disappointment, fear, loss of control. Really, what I wanted from my husband, if I'm honest, was for him to tell me that I was right. I was looking for possibly some groveling, the kind of apology that sounds like, Oh, babe, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're right. I'm so sorry, and if I'm totally honest, I just wanted that so that I would know that he felt bad, and I still probably would have been angry, right? I would have probably held on to it, even with him groveling like that. So my family, when all this happened, we were getting ready to take an evening walk, which is something that has only just started happening, and I love it. It's so awesome. I love being together, walking the neighborhood. You know, the teenagers wanting to spend time with us outside, but in that moment, I was too busy wanting to make my husband feel bad, so I said, I am not going on a walk. Count me out for real. I had my own little teenage tantrum,

and I was aware of what was happening when it was happening. I was even aware that if I took the walk, I would probably shift how I felt and get over it. But gosh darn it, I didn't want to get over it. I needed him to know the seriousness of his mistake and feel the pain. So lame, so lame.

But I couldn't let it go. My ego mind was totally controlling me, egging me on, encouraging me to hold out for what I don't know, because I needed someone to tell me I was right and he was wrong. Maybe I don't know. And when they got home from the walk, I was still in my room, and I barely spoke to my husband. I wouldn't really look at him. There was a little skirmish in the hallway, and I totally yelled at my son. I mean, it was embarrassing, and yet I was totally swept up in it and feeling very justified. And when I look at it now, I wonder if holding on to the anger kept me from feeling the embarrassment of how I was acting. Maybe I by the time I woke up this morning, I was totally over it. I thought about how I behaved, and I completely gave myself a huge eye roll. I got up and I made a warm drink, and I wrote in my journal on the patio. I wrote all about the experience of last night, and what I noticed was there, there was no beat up, which I thought was really cool, right? I mean, I was ridiculous last night. I was ridiculous, and not having any beat up doesn't mean that I don't feel bad, right? It was more that I was not beating myself up for letting my humanness fly, right? Instead, I this morning, was aware that I could have done better. I could have made a different choice. I could have let my anger go and joined my family on the walk, and released the grip my ego had on me, and I didn't, and I didn't, and now I have a chance to make things right with my people, and I've already started.

So, yeah, I mean, first, there's our humanness, right that gets us into mischief. There's our. Conditioning. There's the patterns and the mistaken beliefs that we have that when triggered, we slide into right? First, there's that mischief, and then there's the follow up mischief, which

is, oh my god, I suck. I wasn't gonna yell. I wasn't gonna act like that, and I did. And what's wrong with me? And I'm the worst, right? But no, it's messy. It's not that easy. It's not black and white. My point is that we can have ideals to move towards, but the process of heading in their direction is messy.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience, and we will make lots of mistakes. Let's just settle into that reality.

We will make lots of mistakes, not because we're bad or worthless, but because we're human. And what a gift to model this healthy messiness to our kids. They get to witness and learn from how we own and navigate our mistakes. So let's keep our awareness high, friends and the beat up low. Let's strive to be better and to embrace our imperfection. Let's be okay with two steps forward and one step back, because this is the dance of life, right? This is the dance of life, and the sooner we get that, the sooner we embrace that, the less suffering we will experience. I hope that you have a beautiful week. I hope that you loved this show. It was really fun to create it for you. I hope that you leave me a review on iTunes. Please. That's my call to action this week, please, please, please. I also want to give you a heads up. Those of you that listen to the show and think you know, I think I might want to facilitate parenting. I might want to be a parent educator. I want you to know that soon, very soon, I am going to be sharing with you an opportunity to go through the positive discipline. They call it teaching parenting, the positive discipline way workshop with me online. So be on the lookout for that. If you're interested, if you're like, ooh, tell me more. Then make sure that you're on my email list, because I'll be sharing through my email list. Or make sure you're in the live in love with joyful courage group, or the joyful courage parents of teens group. Or keep listening to the podcast, because it's going to happen. I'm going to do the training late July. No, that's a lie. Late June. It's three weeks, twice a week, two hours each time. And I'm stoked. I'm really excited to bring some new parent educators into the world. So be looking out for that. Have a beautiful week. I hope the sun is shining for you. I hope that you're fully embracing this Wednesday, and I'll see you again next week.

Thank you so much for listening. It is my great honor to create this show for all of you. Big thanks to my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper, for his work in making the podcast sound oh so good. If you're interested in continuing these powerful conversations that start on the podcast. Become a patron by heading to www.patreon.com/joyful courage. That's www dot, P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. For $5 a month, you will have access to a private Facebook group where I do weekly Facebook lives on Mondays and interview recaps on Fridays. Plus, it's a great way to give back to the show that gives you so much. Be sure to subscribe to the show. Head to Apple podcast, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Google Play, wherever you are listening to podcasts, and simply search for the joyful courage podcast, and hit that subscribe button. Join our communities on Facebook, the live and love with joyful courage group and the joyful courage of parents of teens groups are both safe, supportive communities of like minded parents walking the path with you. If you're looking for even bigger, deeper support, please consider checking out my coaching offer. Www dot joyful courage.com/coaching. Is where to go to book a free explore. Call with me and we can see if we're a good fit. I'll be back next week. Can't wait until then. Big Love to. You remember to find your breath, ride it into your body, take the balcony seat and trust that everything is going to be okay