Eps 241: Solo Show – more musings on parenting as transformation

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Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Music. Hello listeners, welcome to joyful courage, a conscious parenting and conscious humaning podcast, a place where we get real about the messy adventure of parenting and growing ourselves as human beings along the way. I am your host, Casey overti, I am a positive discipline trainer and facilitator, parent coach and humbly walking right next to you, working always to be a partner to my very best friend, Ben and parent who is always on the learning curve to my beautiful teenage son and daughter. This is a place where we celebrate the process and always show up with transparency and authenticity. I am so glad that you're here as the host of the show. It is my pleasure to explore the internal as well as the external experience of not only parenting but also humaning, you will hear reference to current events and my own process of unpacking and learning about what it means to be someone who creates space for all voices to be heard and cherished. I don't believe that we could be conscious in our parenting and not be conscious in how we interact and intersect with people out in the world. If you are open and curious about what that means, you are in the right place, and I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled to have you here. If you are interested in having more conversation with joyful courage community, please join one of my two groups, you can find us on Facebook at live and love with joyful courage, or joyful courage parents of teens group, we would love to have you there. And now let's get on with the show.

All right, hey there. Listeners, hey there, Hey there. Welcome to episode 241, of the joyful courage podcast. That number kind of blows my mind. That feels like a really big number to me this morning, I am super excited to be here. Not only am I here for all of you podcast listeners, but I'm also live streaming this solo show in my Patreon community, and I have two watchers, yay, Denise and Jill. Thank you so much for giving me an audience as I record this solo show. It's such a fun experiment, and, yeah, it's fun to have other people along with me. I was saying to my patrons that are watching, this is truly behind the scenes today, because I'm in my office hallway, and if you're watching, you can see the staircase behind me, and there's a door, which my son is on the other side doing online school. The dog's on the floor. So there could be some action today. We'll just have to wait and see. We'll just have to wait and see. So glad that you all are listening in that you're here. Today's show comes straight from my morning soul care. I've been really just thinking so much about the state of the world, our own personal experiences.

You know, really loved the conversation that I got to share with you last week, with Michelle Bowen, and yeah, I'm just really, really connected to the being right now, the becoming, the evolving, the growing, The challenges, the struggles, the gifts, all of it, and I really wanted to be present to that today in the podcast. So like I said, I wrote about all of this

in my journal, and I'm going to use that as content today. So what I called for during my sacred morning soul time was for some messages to share with my community and the universe totally delivered. We are all in this massive collective transformation, right from all angles. There's global pandemic, there is climate crisis, and if you're on the West Coast of the United States, you are all up in the face of climate crisis, with the smoke and the fires, there is ongoing social unrest. The world is upside down right now, or maybe it's right side up, and we've just been living upside down right and so many of us are living through our own personal transformations, whether it's health crisis ourselves or someone we love. I have lots of friends that have lived through some tremendous loss, transitions in relationships, navigating the realities that our kids are living through and confused by and bumping up against. We're working, we're parenting, we are teaching, we're feeding, we're partnering, we're trying to hold limits. We're trying to set limits. We don't know what's appropriate limits, all while trying not to be, you know, I'll try not to, try not to bite anyone's head off in the process. You know, although I did have to just give myself a time out the other night because I knew that I had I was done. It was the day that we got back from a few nights away for my husband's treatment. We got home, and I just was in one of those moods where on one hand I was like, God, I should really be connecting with the family and being present, but on the other hand, I just was irritable, and so I chose to clean up my room and write Jill, trying not to be a bitch, clean my room. Found a movie that I knew no one else would want to watch, but looked interesting to me. And I hunkered down, and for a second I was like, Oh, am I doing the right thing? I felt a little bit of guilt. And then I realized, like, actually, this is a gift to my family, because if I force myself to go be with everyone right now, I'm not going to show up in a way that's kind and loving. So,

yeah, we're doing all these things. We're trying not to have our own meltdowns and no judgment to those of you that are melting down because life is really wild right now and we're dealing with things at a level that we haven't had to necessarily deal with them before, like there's just new, there's there's new pieces to the puzzle of life that we don't have the muscles to navigate full of grace all the time, and so we get to flex into Those muscles, right? And it's kind of a show, it makes perfect sense that you're feeling the way that you're feeling, however. That is because here's the deal, we're always at choice, right? And that's really what I want to highlight this week, is, while all of this stuff is true, is real, is happening, we still remain at choice. And

there's a lot that we don't have control over, yes, there's a lot we have no control over right now, and I'm absolutely living inside of that reality. And even with that, we have choice in how we show up to that reality, we have choice in how we are responding to whatever is unfolding right now in our life, we have choice. Right? Doesn't feel like it, but we do. And as a parent, there are some tough things coming up, and I see it in the joyful courage for parents of teens community a lot kids who are unmotivated about school, and now we get to see it. I mean, they may have been unmotivated before, but at least they were at school and we weren't like front row center in the witnessing of it, right? But now they're home, and we are really sitting with their discouragement around school and making our own meaning about that right, projecting into the future we're worried about, you know, what's going to happen to our kids with this weird online school academics like, what's going to happen? Are they going to go to college? Are they still going to get into a good college? Are they going to finish high school? You know, what's going to happen? We're so caught up in that and, you know, let's take a little turn here. Transition. Little turn, little transition, little little little shift in mindset. Could it be that just as life looks so different and weird today, that the future might also look different like perhaps this unfolding of a change up in what education looks like is actually preparing all of us for a future that's going to require. Prior a change up in education, perhaps I don't know. I know that you're holding so much right now. I am holding so much right alongside with you. You're worried and you want to know that everything's going to be okay. Is this really any different than pre pandemic? I mean, were we any more willing to be with the unknown a year ago, I wasn't, I mean, a year ago, I was sitting in some really deep challenge with one of my kids who was absolutely pushing against traditional schooling, who ended up dropping out of school completely like that was a year ago, you know, and and so it's interesting. When I think about all the things that have come up, I feel like there's been so much preparation for sitting inside of the unknown, inside of all of the challenges that have led up to right here, right now, we had just as much control over our kids outcomes then as we do now. And the difference is, the illusion is gone, right, like a year ago. We could send them off to school on the school bus, and we could get them tutors, and we could sign them up for extracurricular activities. We could, you know, we could do all those things a year ago, and now we might not be able to do all those things. They don't look the same, but even when we can do all of those things, it's an illusion that somehow we're creating outcomes that we can depend on in the future. Does that make sense? You guys? Yeah. Denise, you saying you're articulating all that kept me up last night. Okay, great. So I'm speaking to you, right? I'm speaking to the current experience that people are having. I love that you shared that, Denise,

so you know, one of the pieces that I know, that I'm learning, that I've spoken about before, is that idea that we get to practice as humans, being inside of the unknown, right? Oh, And side note, tomorrow, I'm interviewing Ned Johnson, who's the co author of the self driven child. If you have not read that book, you need to go buy it, because it is so good, and it's all about this conversation around who has control, who has power, and how to really nurture that intrinsic motivation and that intrinsic drive inside of our kids, which really requires us to let go, right, and to realize we really don't have very much control. So that's going to be amazing. What we do have control over is how we respond to the events and the experiences of our life, right? And I'm here to say that the events and experiences of our lives are designed for us to grow into the humans that our spirits came here to be. I know I'm going a little woo, woo. I talked about this last week during my interview with Michelle about the divine nature of the parent child relationship. I think, really, I believe that there is absolutely a cosmic call for all of us to get our shit together when it comes to our spirituality. Now I'm not preaching any religion. Here. You do you. You find the story, the community, the teachings, that make the most sense to you, just like and I'm going to do the same, right? But I think it's really, really important right now we're being really called into that. And if you are an atheist, you may feel left out of this conversation, but I'm gonna invite you to listen anyway, to stick around and see if there isn't anything that you can make sense of that fits inside of your beliefs as well, because I think that there's some really good dots that we can connect. So yeah, a cosmic call to connect on a deeper level with our spirits, our souls, and becoming open to what we are here to do. I feel some feels talking about this. I know that you come here for parenting, and I'm talking spirituality, and I cannot deny that this is on my heart right now, and I feel like it fits inside of the parenting conversation. I'm not talking about like I'm here to be a teacher, or I'm here to, you know, be a finance person, or I'm here to be a mom. I mean, what are we here? What are. Why did our souls say yes to another round? What are we here to experience and learn? What are the lessons that keep presenting themselves? And can we begin to look at these lessons and as happening for us? Can we look at these challenges happening for us? Can we look at events and experiences and relationships as having a divine purpose to move us forward into a future where we're growing and evolving as human beings? Can we try that on for a few minutes? Because I really think that it becomes just super free, super freeing to see the world through this lens. And it's a choice, right? This is where we get to decide whether we're going to sit and blame, to sink into that place of why me, our self worth can crash, resentment may rise. We're unable to get out of the pit, and sometimes this is absolutely a mental health crisis. And please, please get help from a professional if you are in the pit of depression. This is no joke. And so I'm going to say that little caveat, of course, and what happens, even when that becomes a place where you start to look at life as happening for you here to grow you right, even when it is a mental health crisis. What am I saying right now? Well, just for a second consider that something like mental health challenges happen for us as a way to offer up an experience of being willing to get help, of surrendering to needing medication, of surrendering to not being able to stand in your own ability to navigate life. What if that's part of our life lesson? And I know this might stir some of you up. You know my story with mental health challenges in my own family, I've spoken about it on the podcast. I'm familiar with it. I also have the experience of my very best friend from high school sliding deeply into bipolar disorder in her mid 20s, never to be the same again. I would also say that I do not struggle with mental health challenges personally, inside of my body. So you can tell me to f off with all of this talk that I don't know what I'm talking about. That's fine. I'm just inviting you to maybe play with another way of looking at it. Right? All I want to do is offer the possibility to look at your current situation and consider that there's something there for you. How do we go there, though, how do we get there, right? How do we experience tragedy, loss, pain, confusion, fear, worry, and have space to even entertain that there might be a lesson there, that there might be a divine gift. I mean, you know, my experience of working with parents is that there's a lot of focus at the tip of the iceberg behavior, even though we talk about the iceberg and looking below the surface, it's still even just that can be challenging, because often what's happening at the tip is so scary, right? It's so scary. Oh, hi, Simone, I see that you're watching too. I'm glad you're here. And so listen, there is no shame in feeling your feelings about your current situation. I am not saying to deny how you feel or minimize how you feel, allow for it all to come through, space to cry and fall apart, space to be angry, space to be in denial, space to blame all of it. And then consider there is the human being that we are today, and there is the human becoming that is continuously unfolding every moment, right there's the human becoming. And we get really worked up about our teenagers, and wanting our teenagers to have all of the life skills, ready to be human, or humans. They are humans ready to be adults, you know, be successful. And the idea is that there's this, like super urgency during the teen years. But I'm going to be 47 in a few days, and I continue to become I continue to learn. I would say that I've been on a very steep learning curve the last 10 years, much deeper and much deeper than the one that. Between 10 and 20, right? So, yeah, moms and dads out there, you have got to consider the human that you are continuing to become and take an active role in that. Like really take an active role in that. And the way that we start to recognize the human we are becoming is to start paying attention to our process, to ourselves, to our responses, to our experiences, and asking, What am I learning here? What am I co creating? How am I growing? How am I influencing this moment? What is influencing this moment. What are the emotions, memories, conditionings that are coming up right now that are creating a barrier for me to be really present with the person in front of me, the experience that I'm having, and when I ask those questions, notice how you respond? Right? Are you dismissive? Are you rolling your eyes at me? Like, oh God, here we go, personal growth and development.

Are you confused? Are you like, I don't really get it. I don't really know what you're talking about. Are you excited? Are you thinking like, yes, somebody's putting into words how I feel. What's your experience right now, as you listen, I would love to know parents like I said often come to me for one on one coaching, because their home life feels out of control. There's it feels chaotic. Their kids are off the rails. And as we start to work together, we start to pay attention to what comes up. Kind of comes to life is that the internal experience of the parent is often chaotic or feels out of control. They don't like who they are as a parent, inside of all of this chaos, and yes, we spend time on tips and tools and strategies to support the kids. But what really makes the most difference, and is the most useful, is for the parent to work on their internal environment so as to influence the external environment, the environment where their kids are showing up. And that is really what I'm talking about. When we create space to be self reflective, to start to pay attention to the the feelings and the beliefs that are kind of creating, the reaction that we're having to our current experience, and we peel that back and peel that back, and peel that back, and get to some core truths, and then work on practicing. We're going to talk about practicing in a few minutes, practicing shifting in how we be.

It's powerful, and part of that internal practice is to acknowledge and get curious about what is we're being called into, right because of the external challenge, because of whatever's happening for you, to you in this moment. What is life requesting from you? What is life requesting from you? Is it more patience? Is it letting go of expectations? Is life asking for some humility, some forgiveness, usually it's something that isn't necessarily our go to. Like I have told you before, I am a bit of a micromanager. I'm slightly controlling. Just ask my family, they will tell you so time and time again, I'm being called into letting go, letting go, surrender, surrender. I might not have all the answers, or I might only have all the answers for me, but they don't necessarily translate to the answers that my kids or my partner needs. So I believe what our soul is calling for and what our life is setting us up for is growth and some stretching, some stretching. Now I love I just want to jump into the chat and share what's happening in the chat. So, Jill, I love you, Jill. Jill says, had I not taken your Parent Academy, I would have never learned that I I would have never learned that I became a parent to work on myself. Yes, I think we all did. We don't say, like, I'm gonna have a baby because I'm gonna work I need to work on myself. Like, that's just the bonus surprise, right? That comes with having kids. And for some of us, that lesson is like, really hardcore right away. And then for some of us, it's like, kind of an ebb and a flow of the learning, and then things are smooth, and then it's a new challenge. Yeah, Denise says Ditto. Yeah, great, yay. Thank you. We'll just know Jill and Denise and everyone else who's listening. I'm in that learning as well. You know, we're all in this learning. I'm just grateful to have a platform and a voice to get to speak into it.

So again, if we're gonna be if we're gonna try on the lens of self reflection, right? If we're going to try on that lens, we need to literally create space for it in our lives, right? We need to literally create space for self reflection in our lives. Because

the big lesson right now is, are we willing to give up our will

to the Divine, universal, bigger picture will that's currently at play? Are we willing to consider that the collective and personal shit shows of 2020 might just be setting us up for something big, and be open to that unknown

outcome. Oh, my God.

I know that's a big ask, and I know that lots of you are listening with a variety of challenges that have come along with 2020, myself included. But no matter the challenge that we're inside of. I'm speaking into this because I think it's so important to consider I would rather be inside of a possibility that all of this is happening for us and

that there's a bigger purpose to all of this, and trusting that it's all moving in a new direction that's meant to be. I'd rather be there in that mindset than be inside of fear and resistance and anger

like 2020. Is already hard enough. I don't want to add suffering to the suffering that already exists. And that doesn't mean you lay down and you're like, Nah,

okay, whatever. You know, it's an active practice.

It's an active practice of being with yourself and your challenges and being reflective and learning, peeling back layers, learning more about that, about yourself, right? And Denise, yeah,

this is the hardest time of my parenting life. Yes, in the good moments, I feel that I'm really growing as a parent and a human. Denise, you are girl, we all are. We all are growing as humans like either intentionally or unintentionally, every experience, every relationship, every event, every challenge, it all grows us right? Sometimes, if we're sitting in the blame shame mindset, right, if we're sitting in that, then it grows us in the direction, maybe, of continuing to be in that stuck place. But when we are willing to create experience, time, reflection, you know, deep reflection, curiosity, looking inward. That's what really grows us, forwards us and adds to that human becoming that I think we're all here to experience. I think we are whole, resourceful and creative, every single one of us, you your kids, all of us, and now, now is the time, if you haven't already, to take stock of your mindset and really decide if that's where you Want to sit when you think about how you speak about 2020 how you're speaking about your experience of parenting, how you're speaking about your experience of yourself, who you are, how you interact with the world. The language that you use, either out loud or in your mind, is really what I'm talking about when I say, Take stock of your mindset. Decide if that is where you want to sit. Is, do you want that to be your truth? Is that the truth that you want to be the reality that you live in? Because we're all creating our own reality. Yes, there are pieces that are real. You know, global pandemic isn't a reality we are creating, but how we are experiencing it and processing it is you know, we are influencing how the reality exists for us. Now is the time, if you haven't already, you need to carve out some space. Space for regular stillness, regular quieting of the mind, so that you can consider that this life might just be happening for you, and that just maybe you can trust and it's unfolding, and when you're there, notice how it shifts the energy and the relationships around you. I'm going to say that again, carve out time and space for regular stillness and quieting of the mind. And it takes practice, by the way, because our minds are super busy. Create some space so that you can consider so that you could sit in the possibility that life might just be happening for you and that just maybe you can trust in the way it unfolds, right? And again, I'm not saying like, you know the really hard, challenging things that are showing up in your life are somehow like just yours to endure. What I'm saying is some of those hard, challenging things might be presented to you so that your soul, your human experience. You know, those two things kind of mixed together. It's actually an opportunity for some really big expansion and learning and growing and stepping into, you know, some stretchy places, just maybe you can trust in the unfolding and when you're there, notice how it shifts the energy and the relationships around you. I know this was pretty I don't know. I hope that you liked this week's show. It's just really on my mind right now. I've been sharing a lot about my experience with my husband just on my social media. And you know that I get a lot of messages and comments just that. People say, you know, it's inspiring, the way that you're navigating all of this and your grace and you're amazing, which is lovely to hear. My ego's like, Thank you, you know. But I want this for everyone. I want everyone to be able to step into the challenges and the life experiences that are alive for me, currently, right now, and to be able to sit with it in a way that doesn't crumble, that doesn't crumble us, which is why I share because I feel like I get to be an example of a different way of navigating some pretty heavy stuff, right? All right. Well, thank you for listening. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you to Denise and Jill and Simone for hopping on to the live stream. The live stream went a little wonky. Ah, technology is so fun, but yeah, I'm stoked to get to share all of these thoughts with you. I hope that you found them useful. I'd love to hear from you if you have any feedback, any questions, any thoughts for me, you can always email me at Casey, at joyful courage.com.

I would love it if you jumped into iTunes left a review about how you love the show. That would be amazing. And don't forget that the teens and screens mini Summit is happening October 12 through the 14th the registration is open. You can register now.

The cost is $29 you get five interviews over the course of five days with five incredible people. All of my questions and conversation come straight out of the joyful courage community. We are all struggling with our kids and screens right now. Of course, you're not alone. You might live off the grid, and maybe you are alone and you aren't having issues, but most of us are having some issues. If you have a pre teen, a tween or a teen, these interviews will be useful for you. So if you want to get registered, and you do, go to joyful courage.com/tsms, TSMs, joyful courage.com/tsms. The price is $29 up until the day we start. So just get registered so you don't have to think about remembering to do it, and yeah, you'll be glad you did. I will be back next week with a interview show. Have a great day.

Thank you so much for showing up and listening in on another. Her show, I'm so incredibly grateful for the joyful courage community. There are so many ways to stay connected beyond the podcast, you can follow joyful courage on Facebook and Instagram. You can join one of the Facebook groups. Live in love with joyful courage, or joyful courage for parents of teens, word is that both of these communities are some of the most compassionate and supportive spaces for parents to really show up in all of their authenticity and all of their vulnerability and feel seen and supported. I am incredibly proud of that. If you want to take it up a notch, you can join the Patreon community. There. You get to catch live streams of the solo shows twice a month. We have monthly group calls and so much more. Check that out at patreon.com/joyful. Courage. That's P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. Head over there, check it out. And as always, you're welcome to offer thoughts and feedbacks directly to me at Casey at joyful courage.com. I read and respond to all of my emails. Big thanks to my team for all the ways they support my work. My editor, Chris Mann from pod shaper and my project manager, Tay, who does more behind the scenes than you can ever imagine, I will be back next week with a brand new show. Until then, find your breath, release the tension in your body, move up and into the balcony seat and trust that everything is going to be okay?

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