Eps 243: Solo show about The Social Dilemma, and the general dilemmas of life right now

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Casey O'Roarty 0:05
Music. Hello, hello. Welcome to joyful courage,

the conscious parenting podcast where we tease apart being parents and humans in the world and that wild adventure that ensues, I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, I'm a positive discipline trainer. I'm a parent coach and speaker writer, also

the parent of two teenagers trying to embrace my imperfection as I raise them to be functioning, contributing members of society. One day, I'm super glad that you're here. Welcome. If you're a new listener, hi, welcome. What you will find in the upcoming show is what is pretty typical around here. I of course, went into the episode thinking I was going to talk about one thing, but because of events and experiences, the morning of the recording, I really had to speak into what was on my heart. And that's really what you get with joyful courage. Yes, you get the parenting tools and strategies. But even deeper than that, you get a really raw, candid experience. And my goal is always for my listeners to feel seen and heard and felt right. I want my listeners to feel like when they're listening, especially to the solo shows that there's an experience of, oh yes, you are speaking into the experience that I am also having, and so I don't think this week will be any different. I really hope that you enjoy the show. I also want to encourage you, if you have any questions or feedback for me, you can always email me at Casey, at joyful courage.com, I respond to all the emails that I get from fans and listeners. Another thing that would be hugely beneficial to the podcast is if you jump into iTunes and you'd leave a review, a five star review would be fantastic. Let me know and let others know what you love about the show. The more reviews the show gets, the more it is shown to other people who are looking for shows on parenting and the parenting journey. So if you could do those things, that would be fantastic. We're moving into the fall, and I'm just really, as usual, humbled and honored to get to serve you, to be in relationship with you and to share the podcast with you. So enjoy the show.

All right. Hello listeners. Welcome to episode 243, oh my gosh. It feels I think I said this last week, but it feels really wild to say episode 243 I am in awe that we've been doing this together long enough for me to have put out 243 podcast episodes. So thank you for being here and for listening. Thank you to those of you that have been with me from the beginning those early days. Thank you for living through my

learning the technology curve and getting better at audio. Thank you. Thank you, and thanks to the patrons that are here live today. So new listeners, I have this awesome benefit to becoming a joyful courage patron. One of the things that comes with that patronage is that when I do solo shows, I live stream them. So I've got a couple people, Jill and Danielle are watching live as I record this episode, so wanting to say hello to them, there may be a couple more people that jump in as we go, and that's really fun. If you are someone who's interested in finding out more about being a joyful courage patron, you can go to www dot Patreon, P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful,

courage, and there you can find out the different tiers and benefits you get with each tier. It's pretty awesome. So thank you to all my Patrons for supporting the podcast the way you do. So I'm going to be super honest with everybody. I came into this week thinking that I wanted to talk about the social dilemma the movie. Have you watched it? And I do want to talk a little bit about it, but I. Want to speak into kind of more current, just some things that are sitting on my heart that I just feel like would be useful to share with the community. Before I get into any of that, though, I want to welcome all the new listeners who found me through the positive parenting conference.

It was super fun to do that interview and to be featured alongside some of my parent education idols. Was really cool. Dr Shefali was one of the speakers. Tina Bryson was one of the speakers. I felt really honored to be on the virtual stage with all of them. So I just want to say if you have found the podcast and the joyful courage community through the positive parenting conference, welcome. I'm so glad to have you. I spoke about the emotional regulation of being a parent and the three B's practice. And if you're new to the podcast, I would encourage you to Google joyful courage, three B's. I've done a couple of podcasts about that practice. And yeah, you can find more if you just Google.

If you just Google that, you'll find it. And Jill said it was a great talk. You were so calm. Thanks, Jill, yeah, you know, I really, really enjoy being interviewed. I love getting the mic out and talking about what I'm passionate about and speaking directly to people. And I really believe that this is what I'm called to do in this life. So thank you, Jill for that comment. I was calm, because this is what I do. This is what I do, and I love it. I love talking about the parenting journey. Yeah. So welcome you.

Uh, also social dilemma. So there's this movie that's streaming on Netflix right now, if you're still on Netflix flicks, if you still use Netflix, know that there's this documentary that is available, and I watched it to about 10 days ago with my family, and it's just all about how the big social media platforms are using the users. And I think we all know that we're being used, right? I mean, we all know that there are certain things about social media that are designed to keep us engaged, to keep us scrolling. We know this, but this movie really takes it next level and really teases apart just how sophisticated the software is, and kind of shifts the focus of, you know, oh yeah, we the product. Are these, as if we think, you know, we, we are the deciders. The products are these social media platforms, but in reality, they talk about how actually we our attention is the product and the the real users of social media are the advertising companies, right? Are companies that want us to buy things, that want to influence how we're thinking. And I watched it with my family, and it really sparked some powerful conversation. It's really cool too. There's the documentary piece, which highlights ton like a bunch of ex executives, ex engineers, ex developers from Google and Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest

and then and they really speak candidly about how, in the early years, specifically, they were designing these platforms to do everything they could to manipulate the user. I mean, there really isn't a prettier way of saying that is what they designed these platforms to do. And as things exploded and expanded, and they continued to see and they continued because they were also users of the product, right? So they started to see their own practices, and started to become uncomfortable, right? Like, started to feel like we should probably have a conscious we should probably maybe recognize that we are advertising to children. We should, you know, like see, things started to come up for these ex, former executive, CEOs, coos and. They have since, many of them have since left those positions and now, like one of them is the co founder of an app called moment, which is designed to support people in

reducing their screen use. I highly recommend it. I'm not being paid to say that, too bad for me, but I would check that out. And then there's another company, I think it's called the humane use of technology. I don't know if that's what it's called, but there were a couple people who were highlighted in the documentary that that's there. They founded this, this other company that really focuses on how to put humans first, rather than corporations and executives and such. So social dilemma is great. I think I thought it was really good, specifically around having conversations with my kids, right and like, what you know, asking them, What are you gonna do? What does this make you how does this make you think about your use? What are you noticing? My son has since gotten rid of Tiktok and Snapchat. I don't know how long the Snapchat release will be, but we'll see he just, you know, is uncomfortable with how sucked in. He gets which, yay, yay. I've really gotten critical about my own use, because I am not a parent who isn't using these apps. I am a fellow human who absolutely gets sucked into these apps. So I'm being more critical with my own use. And it's just again, you know, I think, and this is something I talk about with my clients. My clients who are navigating screen time with their kids. I think something that's really important to remember is it's not just one conversation, right? It's many conversations. It's creating an environment where checking in on screen time, checking in on how are things going, prompting curiosity and self reflection is just the norm in the family, right? That's the goal. And we're going to talk so much more about all of this in a couple of weeks, when the teens and screens mini summit goes live, and actually, what's the date? It's actually on this recording. We start two weeks from today, but when this gets published next Monday, the fifth we will have one more week before the teens and screens mini summit goes live. And I just want to encourage all of you, I know there's a cost attached to it. Jill, can't wait for it. Jill, I'm so excited, too. It's a very low cost for a very high value. So I've got five amazing experts, international experts. I can say that because one of them lives in France. So it's international, whose work it is to work with families around technology, staying safe, creating guidelines, monitoring, understanding gaming and social media.

Yeah, I mean five really powerful, really useful audio conversation. So it's not something where you have to sit and be somewhere and watch. It goes directly to an audio file, and you can listen at your leisure. It's not a certain time of day. You will get each interview. You know, the first interview on Monday, second interview on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then you own those interviews. So don't worry about having to cram them all in in a certain time frame. Don't worry about missing anything, because once you invest in the summit, the summit is yours. The summit is yours, and it is $29 up front, if you register before the first day and after the first day, the price goes up to $49 so I am so excited about this summit. I think it's going to be so useful to so many parents. I actually before every single interview, I went into the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group and said, Hey, I've got this interview happening. We're talking about teens and their attachment to their cell phone. What are your questions? We're talking teens and gaming. What are your questions? And so every single interview, I went directly into the community to find out what you wanted me to speak into with my guest. So this is content, you know, created facilitated by me, but really designed by the needs and wants of the community. So this is. Real stuff, right? This is real awesome content. If you want to sign up, go to joyful courage.com/tsms,

joyful courage.com/ts, MS, and that will get you all registered for the teens and screens mini Summit. And if you watch social dilemma and you're freaking out, you should also do the teens and screen Summit, because it'll make you feel empowered and inspired and gives you, like, really tight action steps to take in support of your family and their technology diet. Okay.

Yeah, so, like I said, my plan was to come in here and really spend the whole time talking about social dilemma and the social media nightmare, slash. I mean, I say that, but guess what? I kind of love social media. I mean, I'm on it. I love connecting with people over social media. I really love holding my community forums in social media, so it's really a mixed bag, and it's a question of how to use it versus letting it use me. However, I am simultaneously as I parent and run joyful courage. I'm also as you know,

caregiving, my husband, um, has multiple myeloma, and today was actually our he's getting a stem cell transplant, and today

things got really real, and for the next five to six weeks, he's in this really intense treatment process. And the reason that I wanted to talk about this is because I know, because of the people that I work with, as well as my own

inner social circle, as well as my own, you know, family of origin, that we are all in a place of holding a lot of things together and being pulled in a lot of different directions.

For me right now, it's being a caregiver outside of my home with my husband, while also parenting my two teens from a distance, while also running my business and creating content and doing the things I need to do for my clients and my upcoming programs, and for the most part, I can dance with those things pretty well.

I don't really think that I stifle my emotions. I have a fantastic self care routine. And today, as part of the treatment, we get to meet with a social worker, my husband and I, and so we did that today, and he just really nonchalantly. Was like, Well, how's it going? And, you know, one of my kids is having a little bit of a hard time. And I started speaking into it. And,

you know, I thought about a friend, a good, good friend of mine, who had to take her child to inpatient treatment last week. And I thought of another, a client of mine, who is struggling with some really big

custody choices with her daughter. And I thought of,

you know, kids that I know go to school with my son. Who are, he was sharing with me, you know about some of the drug use and the mental health issues. And I just felt this, and I could feel it right now as I speak, like this weight on my chest, and,

yeah, and I feel like there is

space, you know. And the social worker was like, you know, it's okay to fall apart. And my husband said it's okay to fall apart. And as I've shared about our journey, very candidly, you know, I've noticed that when people have said it's okay to fall apart, I am like. Yeah, but I don't need to, like, I'm I'm good, I'm good. And I feel like it's not like, no, no. I don't want to. I don't, I don't know. It doesn't feel like I'm trying to pretend anything. I've been pretty candid. I am pretty candid and transparent and like, how do we make room to fall apart? How do we do that?

Because I know one thing is, I am holding the tension

for my family, right? Like, I feel like the way that I'm navigating and maybe this, maybe I'm full of myself. Maybe this is, like, Get

over yourself. You're not that important. But I do feel like I'm one of I'm, I'm kind of a pillar for my family. And so, like, if I'm if I can keep it together, then everybody else can keep it together. Now nobody has actually said that to me, but that's what I've decided in my head, which gets in the way of being willing to fall apart. And then there's like, like an energetic there's like this energetic wall too, like I can almost feel the emotion, and then something kind of holds it back. Yeah. And Danielle in the chat is saying that this is landing for her too, yeah. And so I'm just really curious, and maybe, like, I know there's people that listen that are really into Hand in Hand parenting, that parenting program, and one of the things that they talk about in hand in hand parenting is is crying as a release of emotion and energy. And actually they found adrenaline, adrenaline, cortisol, not adrenaline. Cortisol in our tears and when we're stressed, our brain creates more cortisol, and so crying is actually a way of releasing cortisol, so maybe I need to watch a movie that's super sad so that I can have a big cry, so I can prompt that big emotional release and see how I feel after that.

But I just like, I'm speaking into this, because I know that I'm not the only person you know that is holding so much right now there's like this underlying, foundational stress, because

freaking global pandemic and upside down. I mean, even I think you know, they say that kids that you know, even when children are raised in families that are really connected, but they live in a neighborhood where they have to have bars on their windows, that, in and of itself, is traumatic. I'm guessing that even if we're handling this pandemic really well, just the fact that we go outside and we see people walking around with masks on, or we walk into a building and they have a list of questions and want to take our temperature, like that, in and of itself, is creating stress for our brain and is creating trauma for our brain. So there is this underlying trauma that we're all living with. On top of that, there's all the details and flavors of our particular family dynamic, whatever's happening for us and work, health, mental health, online learning. So all of these things come together, and it's like we're holding all of these threads right and

and it's hard, and it's hard, and it's inappropriate for us to expect to be able to do it perfectly. It's inappropriate for us to expect to be able to do it without maybe not showing up as our best. I know just this last weekend, my daughter was having a hard time. They were down here visiting, and, you know, sometimes my mind go, you know, what those old movies, you know, when they're somebody's kind of freaking out, and then the old movies, they're like, slap, slap, slap across the face, like, one, one way, the other way, the other way. And then they're like, get us get a hold of yourself. Like, in my mind, I am doing that to my daughter. I'm like, oh my god, get a hold of yourself. Like there are other things going on. And my compassion for her experience was very little. And not only am I feeling that way towards her, but then I'm also feeling like I'm not being a good mom, like I'm not. Not being compassionate enough. I know it's not her fault. Her her mental health is what it is. And so then I get to find humility and connect with her and feel crappy about how I treated her, and then my husband's in pain because of the procedure that he had on Friday. And then I've got this other child who is, I'm very aware, could be perhaps sliding into, well, my sibling is struggling, so I have to be super duper good. I have to be over the top, together and responsible. And I know that's not healthy either. So all of these moving parts are happening all at once, and I know that this isn't just my individual experience. So if you're listening to this, and Danielle, you already said, like, Yes, I get this. If you're listening to this, just know that you're not having a unique experience. This is an experience that so many of us are having right now, like, pandemic or not, right? But so many of us are having this experience right now. And I don't want you to feel like because this is happening, like, this is something I say to my friends too. You know, just because we have cancer in our family does not mean you can't speak into the challenges that you're having. Like, there's no my problems are worse than your problems, so don't even bother talking to me about what's going on with you. Like it's all relative, right? It's all relative. And I think part of self care is falling apart and holding space for ourself to fall apart and finding some quiet time to

Oh, Simone. Simone said, What do you mean? It isn't just us. I know. Sorry, Simone, you're not special inside of your challenges, we aren't as special as we think we are.

Yeah, but going back to self care. So I talk a lot about, you know, mindfulness and meditation and journaling and movement, but I think also like space to grieve, right space to let go, space to fall apart is really important to release the energy, right? I'm really into the energetics of being a parent, of being a human, really the energetics of

how it feels to be in relationship with other people with the planet, and we hold a lot of energy, right? We hold that's why our shoulders are sore and our backs are sores, because we're holding that tension and that energy, and so part of self care is really allowing ourselves to release it. And maybe it's by getting bodywork. Maybe you go get a massage, maybe you go get some Reiki done, or some acupuncture. Maybe it's a yoga class. Or maybe it is finding just the right movie to become the tipping point so that you can really release, you know? And one of my patrons, Jill, says she's grieved a lot regarding her girls and their mental health. Jill, we go back. I understand. I'm with you. And the grieving continues. Yeah, it's yes, the grieving continues. It's an ongoing process, right? It's just like when we want to, you know, increase our I don't know how quick we can run a mile. I don't want to do that, but some people do. I'm thinking about my sister in law, who's a runner. It's not just one day of training, right? It's really ongoing, continuous, stepping in and choosing in. And if we're going to be who we want to be for ourselves and for our families, then we get to take that, have that self reflection. Have enough self reflection to recognize, okay, I need to one, let some things go. Where what can I let go of? What do I need to release from my body? Kind of energy do I need to release from my body? And this isn't like pity party, you know, it's not anything to feel bad about, and it's not a it's not, I

think when we have the breakdown, a fall apart, it's more a moving through than it is of like a like a falling into the pit of despair, right? And And honestly, I am in my own practice of like those two. Things. What?

What is it that I just got totally distracted because Jill in the chat just asked a great question, What have I let go of? What have I let go of? Well, I haven't let go of anything yet, Jill,

but I am thinking about some things that I need to let go of with my business so that I can be more focused on my husband and my kids, which sounds like a no brainer, but at the same time, my business, joyful courage, is like a family member, like it's really hard for me to not pour out into my community the way that I have been. And the great thing about the joyful courage community is you guys are totally compassionate, and

nobody's gonna fault me, and you aren't gonna go anywhere. And you know, I get to remind myself of that. So thanks for that question, Jill.

And then really like recognizing when I'm wallowing in the pit of despair, versus allowing emotion to move through me and really feeling that. So those are two different things, and I am not an expert on either of those things, but I really wanted to bring it up today, because it's like on my heart. I couldn't just talk about something today.

I had an emotional morning and coming in here like literally getting into my hotel room, setting up and hitting record, I can't just turn off what's real and relevant for me in this moment, so I had to bring it into the conversation. But you know, my goal with all of this is to I want it to be useful. I want you to feel seen. I want you to feel felt right.

I want to share my experience, because I know that it is a mirror for with different details, but it's a mirror of the experience that so many people are having. And I also want to say there's nothing wrong with you if right now is really hard to manage. There's nothing wrong with you if right now is really hard for you to manage, because

this is what is happening. I mean, like, I can't even between the pandemic and the election and the personal stuff in my family, I'm like, the hell what is going on right now? And there's got to be purpose, like there's just my spiritual practice and beliefs really tell me there's got to be, this has got to be some kind of huge cleansing, ringing out, stepping up, purpose. That's going on with all of this right now, and time will show us in the meantime, how can we be inside of this in a way that is forwarding?

Simone mentioned in the chat, I never know if I'm wallowing or have allowed it to move through me until I'm on the other side and notice that the feeling went away or moved on. Yeah, it's tough. Yes, well, I think that's but that's really helpful actually Simone, because you know if you're stuck in the pit, you're gonna be there a while, right? And so recognizing maybe some of the conversations that you're having in the pit that I'm having, I get to recognize, am I wallowing? Am I in this fixed mindset? Right? It will never get better. It will always be like this, like, that's definitely a wallow conversation, versus maybe identifying like this is how I'm feeling

and being in a more growth conversation. So it could be, I know that this is temporary, and I'm feeling it with my whole body, and I'm surrendering to this emotion. Yeah, I think that that could be something that I would like to explore more. Thank you for that Simone.

So that being said, I so appreciate every single one of you. Thank you to everybody who continues to reach out to me via email and private messages and in the groups asking about how our family's doing.

I mean, all things considered, we are doing pretty well, and we are in the most intense period and only at the very beginning of the most intense part. Part of this cancer treatment journey. So my guess is I'll keep you updated, because I'm an external processor, and I don't know how to go through something without, like, bringing everybody along. But keep sending those well wishes. Keeps just holding my family in really beautiful, white, pure healing, health, light, vibration, prayers, whatever is your whatever is yours to give. I so appreciate all of you. Thank you, ladies in the chat, thanks for being with me today as I move through what's on my heart. Thank you to everybody that's listening. I didn't even mention last week's show. It actually went live today with Ned Johnson. Has anybody in the chat already listened to today's podcast? Oh my gosh. It was so awesome. It's so good. I can't wait for you to listen. Okay, nobody's listened yet? Well, it's live, so listen to it. I'm really excited to hear what you all think about it, because it was a great conversation, really relevant to right now and kids in school and autonomy and all the things. But, yeah, I've got some good, good interviews coming up. My friends and my solo shows are going to be a lot like this. I think, you know, it'll be a lot of especially through the month of October, a lot of me speaking from the heart through my experience. Thank you for holding space for me. Yeah, really appreciate you. Have a beautiful week, and I'll see you next week. Yay. You

music. Thank you so much for listening. I am so incredibly grateful for the joyful courage community and the way that you show up for each other and for me, there are so many ways to stay connected beyond this podcast, you can follow joyful courage on Facebook and Instagram. You can join one of the Facebook discussion groups either live in love with joyful courage or joyful courage for parents of teens. Also remember, if you want to take it up a notch, you can join the Patreon community, where you can catch live streams of the solo shows we do, monthly group calls and so much more. Check that [email protected] slash joyful courage. P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. Big thanks to my team for all the ways they support me with my work. My editor, Chris Mann from pod shaper, my coo Tay, who does more behind the scenes than you can ever imagine my sweet daughter, Rowan, who's learning the ropes and supporting the publishing of the podcast. I will be back next week with a brand new interview. Until then, my friends, find your breath, release the tension in your body, move to the balcony seat and trust that everything's going to be okay.

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