Eps 293: New School Parenting with DJ Johnson

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

When I think about courage, I think about when you’re initially jumping into courage and there’s fear behind it or it’s a serious thing. When we add joy to it i think it’s the excitement of doing something that’s mostly going to end up in a good result.

So Joyful Courage to me is “I am happily jumping out and taking a leap to something I think is ultimately going to benefit me and my family.”

 

Where to find DJ

Website | Instagram | Facebook

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Transcription

DJ Johnson 0:00
There's a reason why so many parents have decided to change the way that they parent. Because either they didn't get served in the old school parenting way, or they feel that there's something better for their child as they continue to grow, as they continue to become, you know, the better versions of themselves, like this is why parents are going in this direction.

Casey O'Roarty 0:23
Hey, friends, welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting. I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline, lead trainer, parent, coach and mom walking the path right next to you as I imperfectly raise my own two teens. Joyful courage is all about grit. Grit stands for growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. Today's show was recorded last year, and the content is still so potent today, especially as many of us are navigating our kids back in full time, in person school, I am confident that you will love it also, if you're not already on my email list, I want to remind you again to join. I pop into my subscribers inbox with stories, podcast, news and offers just about every week. My hope is to make you laugh or at least feel validated, and keep you updated on all the joyful courage goodness. If you're into it, go to joyful courage.com/email and sign up. Signing Up Now we'll get you the seven tips for connecting with your teens, seven tips over seven days. If you put them into practice, they will make a difference in your relationship with your kids. Each day you will get an action step and bonus encouragement for all of you overachievers out there, again, that's joyful courage.com/email. Sign up and stay more connected. Enjoy the show.

My guest today is DJ Johnson. De Antoine Johnson is a husband, father, author, mentor, coach, counselor and sports statistician. He grew up in the Indiana foster care system, and yet, despite that, has gone on to lead a successful and fulfilling life before spending nine years in the foster care system. DJ suffered child abuse, domestic abuse and emotional trauma. At one point he wanted to end his life, but he realized that he was on this earth for a purpose. DJ fulfills that purpose by using his experiences, not only to help establish relationships with the students he serves, but he helps parents better connect with their teenagers. DJ specializes in helping parents bridge the communication gap between them and their child, to ensure that their child has room to be the best versions of themselves. Hi DJ. Welcome to the podcast.

DJ Johnson 3:06
Thank you for having me. It is an honor and a privilege to even be invited to talk parenting. It's so surreal for me, and we're gonna get into that today, I'm sure. So thank you so much.

Casey O'Roarty 3:18
Yes, of course, it is my honor. I'm really glad that you wanted to come on so your childhood story, I want to start by saying that the more I kind of explored who you were through your website and your social media presence, the more I just would imagine little DJ and wanting to wrap him up in my arms. I'm so sorry for the adversity you faced. No child should have to face that kind of adversity. Can you take us on a journey of how you moved from so much challenge into the resiliency and purpose that you have today? Yeah.

DJ Johnson 3:54
So I, for a long time in my teenage years, into my young adult years. Did not believe that the struggles and triumphs and trials and different things that I had in my childhood was for anybody else's understanding or knowledge, like I always thought that that was my pain, my struggles, things that I was to deal with internally. And it wasn't until I started working with students in a mentor capacity at the high school level that I really understood that there was a reason for me to have gone through those trials and those tribulations and some of those things I said, you know, as you mentioned in the bio, is that I was in the Indiana foster care system. But, you know, a lot of people get this idea that when you're in the foster care system, it's kind of worse than what you had to experience before you got into the foster care system. And fortunately, unfortunately for me, I had a better situation in my foster care. Your life than I did going into it. And there is a study called the adverse childhood experience, the ACE study, and I scored a 10 on an ACE score with all the trauma that I had experienced probably before I was in the eighth grade. And so when you go through all those different things, the first thing that you know, I think about often is it's just seeing when you're going through it, it just seems like normal, like it's a normal thing. It just seems like this is just the way that life is. Like, this is how our parents handle themselves, and this is how you know, we're treated when we do something wrong, like, that's kind of how you start to portray it. And then it didn't start to be something that I now deem as abnormal, until I started studying trauma, and I started studying child development, and I started, you know, understanding, like, Whoa, that wasn't normal. What you went through wasn't what you were supposed to go through. And so then there was a step for me to get to a healing journey, because what I had dealt with in my childhood started to spill over into who I was becoming as an adult. So whether it be in my relationship with my wife now, who we're going to be celebrating seven years in a couple weeks, or a week from Sunday and then, or when my son was born in 2017, where I was, you know, certain things started to come up for me, and I'm like, Whoa, okay, what's happening here? So literally, within the last two or three years, I went to therapy and just started to unpack and started to really kind of understand, you know, why I went through all those different things in my childhood, and how I can now use that for the greater good. And so that is kind of how I moved from the struggles and the child, you know, the trials, to now being a person who can post certain things and encourage people and push parents to ultimately be their best selves. I just posted, I think, today or maybe yesterday. Like the reason why I post the things that I do on my parenting IG page is like, it's not because I want to, you know, rectify things from my childhood, is because students, kids today are still dealing with things that I had to deal with in my childhood, and that's unacceptable. And so for me now it's like using that voice that I now have to help parents out there who just don't understand, who just don't get what they're even doing to their kids, and really helping them, like being a better position to really allow their kids to live a life that they're they deserve. Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 7:42
Yeah. So many questions in my head right now. Well, like, because I think there's, you know, there's the like, quote, obvious things that are off the mark, that are hurtful, and then there's subtle things that, you know, many we don't need to have an ACE score of 10 to have experienced subtle things that grew our sense of self into one of, you know, perhaps questioning our worthiness or belonging. So I just, I love your message. It's, you know, once I found I don't know how I discovered you, but I started following you, and I just really appreciate the way that you use your platform, and I love that it comes from this place of the youth that you work with. Yeah, what drew you to working with young people in the first place?

DJ Johnson 8:33
Yeah, so out of high school, I always wanted to get into sports. It was just kind of my default. I was I was a decent athlete, but I knew I wasn't good enough to be a professional. So I was like, Okay, what's next? And for me, I always wanted to be an athletic director, and so I got into, you know, going to school for that, for sports. And while I was in school, I got this opportunity to work my first job working with students or youth, was actually at the elementary level. I was hired to be like an after school program leader. I guess you can call it,

Casey O'Roarty 9:09
oh my god. I bet they were just all over you

DJ Johnson 9:11
for like, fourth and fifth graders. So I, you know, was jumped into that has so much fun. I was a kid myself when it, when it came to that job, and I loved it, and then I ended up from that job going off to college, so I had to step down. But it was able to find an opportunity, you know, near my college, where I was still working in the recreational after school program. And so I did that for a couple years, and then it wasn't until 2014 where I was at a crossroads of like, okay, are you going to do this sports thing, or is there a different path for you? And lo and behold, I wasn't able to jump into the sports things as I was trying to. I just finished the internship at UCLA, and I was applying to all these jobs all across the country, trying to work at, you know. College program, and it just didn't happen. And so, you know, I pray I did all, you know, things to kind of help me. Okay, what is it that you want me to do? Like, I don't know what you want me to do. And so it was revealed to me, like, just open up my, you know, job search. Like, apply to whatever job opens up. Don't just focus solely on sports. So the first job that I ended up seeing was this job for as a professional youth mentor for foster and probation youth. And I was like, Whoa, that's dope. Like, I could totally do that. So I applied. Ended up getting the job, literally a day before my wedding, and, yeah, just totally got it, and was just fell in love with it. And so literally, not even a month into it, it was at a nonprofit. I originally thought the job was going to be 40 hours a week. It was only 30. So I well, I'll take it anyway, just because, you know, I love, you know, this job and the description of it, not even a month into it, you know, they discovered it, my work ethic, discovered my heart for kids, and ended up filling those last 10 hours to make me full time to do like more, like group work, counseling, type work on a different scale. And so I was like, okay, cool. So that's kind of how I got started at the level of like counseling, working with, you know, high school students. And then the more I started working with students. They kind of wanted me to work with parents just because there was a need. Yep, and I was like, I've never what am I at that time, I didn't have any kids. I'm like, What am I even going to tell these parents, and I don't have any kid, and I've had a parent in a group one time say, you don't have any kids. How do you know? Like, how you don't understand and so, but what I really held my hat on was I was very in tune with students. I was very in tune with the high school student in particular, like I heard them they I was able to win them over. I have a reputation in the district that I contract with right now, of like, you know, principals will call me and be like, Hey, I have a student. I think you could connect with them. Like, like, I get those type of calls, right? So, so I was like, Okay, there's something there. Like, I need to be able to bridge this communication gap, because parents look at students in one way, and I'm talking to these students, and I'm hearing their side of it. And so somehow, some way, I got to be able to communicate that with parents. And so in the beginning, when I started doing parenting work as a non parent, I was just hanging my hat on, hey, I'm connected with these kids. I'm hearing what they have to say, like, let me help you. And so that's kind of how it got started for me. You know, do working with high school students, and then, in turn, working with parents through the lens and perspective of what I hear from students every day.

Casey O'Roarty 12:46
Yeah, I love that. It's so interesting. I was just in a training this morning, and we were as a bunch of parent educators, and we were talking about all the kind of negative messaging sometimes that we get, yeah, or, you know, usually it's from just parents that are already discouraged, right? Or sometimes it's from our own head. And, yeah, one of the things that came up with one of the parent educators was she has gone into this work and doesn't have kids of her own. So that is something that I, I know can feel like they're from the parent side. Can feel like there's a little bit of tension there. I know for me, I niched into parents of teenagers. So I started when my kids were little, and I, you know, my my people, were all parents of little kids. And then as my kids have gotten older, my niche has kind of changed with where I'm at in my journey, but I remember a few years back, I had was having a really, really tough time actually moving into the teen years. And my listeners, they know this. They know the saga because I share here on the podcast, but it really like sitting inside of, who am I to take money from people when I can't even seem to get it together in my own house. Yeah, right. It was such an interesting place. But then I realized, because of the challenges that I lived through with my with my oldest, specifically, I'm an ever better parent coach for those parents, because I can say I understand where you're coming from because I've lived it, and it feels like with you having the level of connection with the kids that you serve, plus your own history of the experiences that you had, like you're the perfect person, you'd be the perfect person to be supporting the parents. So I'm just so glad that your employers were paying enough attention to realize, Oh, hey, let's, let's put DJ in front of the parents too, and let him talk to the parents. Because, man, those kids need all the support they can get.

DJ Johnson 14:56
Yeah, I the biggest, greatest compliment. I always say. I just thought it was just so amazing. But I got a compliment from a friend of mine's assistant superintendent, and he was like, you know, his compliment was, you're one of the few people that I've met in life, at least in this, you know, world educational world that can move students the way that you do, but it can also move a room of parents the way that you do. Like, I haven't met a person who's been able to do that, and I'm like, okay, you know, I think I'm on the right path of who I'm supposed to be and the people I'm supposed to impact. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 15:29
yeah. Love that. Thank you. So something that you recently posted that really caught my attention. I loved it. Um, was on your Instagram, and you wrote to the people who root against the new school parenting. It is not an indictment or an implication that you failed. Every generation is tasked to improve upon or make better what they inherited. Be honored that you gave us the ability to choose how we want to parent. That was such a powerful statement. DJ,

DJ Johnson 16:01
thank you,

Casey O'Roarty 16:03
yeah. What prompted that for you a

DJ Johnson 16:07
so a lot of my posts, so there's one post that kind of went viral for me on my Facebook page. Like, I think last time I checked, 175,000 people have seen it. It's been shared like 2000 times, and it was the post of like, three reasons why old school why people can't let go of old school ways, or old school parenting, or something like that. And so there was, obviously, there's a lot of conversation and dialog around that post. And one of the things that I kept seeing is like, it appears that the people who keep defending the old school way, like, feel attacked that we new school people are, like, doing parenting this way. And I'm like, Whoa. Like, let's put this into the proper perspective. Like one we are tasked to make things better that we inherit. Like, in some way, y'all make things better, and now we are in a position where we can make the, you know, things better for the kids that are going to come after us. And that's the first thing. The second thing is, like we have the opportunity to choose. We this is the this is what you gave us. Like, maybe you didn't have the ability to choose how you wanted to parent, but now we have the opportunity to do that, and we are exercising that. And for good reason. There's a reason why so many parents have decided to change the way that they parent, because either they didn't get served in the old school parenting way, or they feel that there's something better for their child as they continue to grow, as they continue to become, you know, the better versions of themselves like this is why parents are going in this direction. So for me, I'm so I can easily keep posting and calling out the old school way. Like, that's what my heart and spirit would like to do. But I don't know, in this post I really wanted to be easy on them and just really help them understand. Like, look, this isn't about y'all like, this is more about what we what we feel is a better thing for our children. It's not We're not calling you out. We're not saying you suck. We're not saying any of that. We're just saying we think that this way is better for our kids. And yeah, let's put that into the right perspective and encourage us and push us and uplift us like I feel. You know, old school people are like, Oh, I can't wait till you fail, or I can't wait until they come home drunk and this and that, or they start yelling at you. Well, I can't wait to see how you handle that. And I'm like, Well, we're gonna figure it out as we go.

We're gonna, you know, we're gonna talk it

out. We're gonna have a conversation around that. But thank you for your whatever you just gave me. You think you wishing me well, but you really not. And so for me, it just this was supposed to be kind of like saying, hey, let's, let's, let's call a truce, right? Like, I don't want to keep fighting with you. I don't want to keep posting the old school way was outdated. Like, I don't want to do that. Like, I will give you space to acknowledge your old school way, and please allow us the space to and the great thing I'm stopping myself, because for so many of us, this new school parenting way is just so new for us. So yes, there's going to be bumps and bruises. Yes, we're going to struggle and have, you know, trials like but I think that's the beauty of it, like together. Because when I think of the old school way, when we

Casey O'Roarty 19:23
No, no, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good. I like it, but I just want to be just I want to distinguish, like, so old school way, are you talking more about, like, the behaviorist kind of model of parenting, where it's consequences, rewards, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, perfect. Like, I knew you were, but I just wanted to, yeah, throw it down for the listener, yeah. I'm definitely

DJ Johnson 19:43
glad you made the distinction, like, the authority authoritarian, right my way or the highway? Yep, it should be seen. And I heard like, that's what I'm against, yeah? But so when I think about the old school way, like it just they, you. It was more about, let's keep our child in line, not necessarily what's in the best interest of the child, right? Like, let's keep our child in line and kind of go down that path. And I think for us in the new school where it's like, no, we want our child to behave like we don't want our child to wow out, but we want to do it in a way that allows them to tap into their best self and their values like we want them to, like, operate in that not be forced to be that, if that makes sense. So I could go on and on, yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 20:31
well, what I'm hearing too, is like creating space for our kids to be their best selves, and when you know, when there's a moment of correction or redirection. It happens in a really respectful way, where everybody is treated with dignity. Yeah, right, that's how I think about it, too, and I know too, because so I'm a positive discipline trainer. That's the program that I'm trained in, and trained parent educators inside of, and one of the pillars is being kind and firm. And I'm not a huge fan of the word kind, because I feel like it gets translated into being nice all the time. And I think that kind of misses the mark when I think about kind, I think about connected, right? So being connected and firm, like those both and of I'm gonna put up some guard rails that are going to be supportive of you. And as you learn and grow and develop, the guardrails are going to move. The space is going to become bigger for you as you develop skills. And I feel like that's a new school. That's new school parenting as well. And when you say it's new for us, I that makes me feel like, yeah, because there are not really great models of kind and firm leadership anywhere. So we're doing this thing, and we're doing our best. And I think for some of us, if, if we've been raised inside of a system, whether it's a family system or a foster system or or a cultural system that has really leaned on firm, yeah, then we and we know, like I am, I'm gonna do it differently. I think there's a tendency for a lot of us to swing way into kind, oh, yeah, right. And so it's, it's, and I'm speaking it because I know I have so many clients and parents that I work with that are like, Okay, again, let's talk about what the both and of these two things look like. Because it feels challenging to hold both of things, these things at the same time, especially when we are working with whatever the conditioning is that lives inside of us. You know, you talked about going on your healing journey, and I think that's, you know, so important. I talk about parenting as the lifelong personal growth and development workshop that you didn't realize you signed up for exactly. And there's those of us that are like, Okay, I gotta work on myself so that I can be this parent that I want to be. And then there's, you know, well intentioned, loving parents who are like, I'm going to do it differently. But miss that. It starts with me peace, and it's really challenging,

DJ Johnson 23:14
yeah, yeah. And it just and I think for me in the beginning, because I didn't go into therapy until after my son was born, and so in the beginning, there was some things coming up for me that I didn't fully recognize or notice at first. And my wife, thank goodness, who was trained to be a therapist,

Casey O'Roarty 23:34
was, God bless you for living with a student therapist.

DJ Johnson 23:38
She was, you know, pointed things out to me, and I'm like, Okay, so for me, like I knew, and even now, like when I struggle with certain things as a father to my son, like I it always goes back to Okay. What is there for you? DJ, how can we process that? And then if I really can't process that, in a moment, I remember it, file it, and I take it to my therapist, and then we process it together, which has been so helpful. So even yesterday, right? So my son was home from school. I kept him home the past couple days, and he, I have d5, four. Yeah, four. He's four. Okay, so he, I fell asleep on him, and he was just kind of playing and doing his thing. And so I wake up and he, we just got on this new, like, pizza toy, and he ripped the pizza box up and he crumbled up all the cash. So I'm like, what, what is happening? Like, we just got this toy, like the the first two days, he was putting everything back on need and putting everything right in this category. And I'm like, Okay, some happened that, you know, I just don't know what, but right now, I'm upset that you messed this toy up. So we're going back and forth, and he's yelling, and you're a bad daddy, and I don't know me and my wife was like, I don't know who has been calling my son dad or what. Video he's been watching because he it doesn't come from us, so we were like, having a conversation around that, but he's yelling. And so fast forward, I have to mom comes home, I have to leave to go to the church, and before I leave out the door, he's like, Daddy, wait, I want to give you a kiss. And so I'm like, imagine I thought about the situation. I'm like, Okay, how have that gone if I reacted how my parents would have reacted to what he had did, which was a smack in the face, a whooping with a belt, like all these different things that I think hinder and hurt the relationship. And for me, I'm like, No, that is what I'm working towards when it comes to my son, at the very minimum, is, how can I make sure that, even through discipline, even through being firm, how can I keep that relationship intact? And yesterday was a perfect example of how I was able to do that. Now hopefully I can have more examples of that,

Casey O'Roarty 25:52
but you will the opportunities are endless. Yeah, I have a story too. So my son is 15, and he and I asked permission. After this happened, I said, can I talk about this on the podcast? And he said, Yes. And so, you know, as they get older, and those of you that are listening with teenagers, the phone screen time struggle is just continuous. It just it exists. And so I have spoken at length about, you know, the things that I like. I like to create boundaries, like, within, you know, with the Wi Fi, like, I set up the Wi Fi so it turns off at a certain time. I set up the phone so I have a password. There's a certain limit. When the limit is met, it gets turned off. I like to take myself out of it as much as possible, and just automate right? And then there's less back and forth. There's less me, you know, give it to me and I, you know, I feel pretty good about it. We talk a lot about screen time. It's not a big, dramatic thing at our house. I am probably more strict than some and much less strict than others, and I just recognize that's where I'm at. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out so we have iPhones, and, you know, I kind of was feeling like, I wish I could, there's something I'm missing with this screen time limits, because I keep setting the limits, but it's but it doesn't seem to be working the way I want it to be working. And this has been happening for a little while. And then my son recently, um, he plays basketball, and he rolled his ankle, so he was home doing nothing, and so the screen time was off the charts. And I was like, What is going on? Why is this not working for me? And I was like, You know what? I'm gonna start over. I'm gonna try a new password. And as soon as I created a new password, I thought to myself, I wonder if Ian knows the password. And so he was out with his dad, and I sent him a text. I said, Do you know the screen time password? And without missing a beat, he said, Yes. And I said, Oh my god, he and then he was quiet on text, and then he wrote, are you mad? And I and, I mean, I was over here laughing, and I said, I said, I said, I'm not mad. I really appreciate your immediate honesty, and it's developmentally appropriate for you to, you know, to work, to figure out how to work the system. So no, I'm not mad. I set up a new password, and, you know, we're gonna tighten things up. But, and I was thinking about, you know, some of the conversations I've heard parents have around this, and how easy it could have been to turn that into, how dare you? Yeah, you've been lying to me. You've been sneaky. This is what I'm now gonna do to you, to make you pay for this. And it never even like that. You know, my kid, we had more conversations about it, and I said, Well, how long had you you'd known he was like, Mom, I've known it for like, a year. He's like, it's been really hard too, because I've only let myself, you know, push it so far, because I didn't want you to get too wise. But I hated it when you would ask me about it. I kept waiting for you to just point blank, ask me if I knew the password, because I would have said yes, and it was just this really light, connected conversation where I got to really celebrate who this kid is right he he's a kid who wants to do the right thing, you know, he's a kid who wants to be honest, he's a kid who wants a little bit more

DJ Johnson 29:18
screen time. But

Casey O'Roarty 29:19
like you were saying that could have gone a very different way had I slid into a more reactive, controlling, you know, response to that, to finding that information out so and when I think about coming back to that post and the new school versus the old school, you know, I it is generational, but I also receive discouragement from peers who haven't, who are stuck in that old school mentality, right? Because if I'm doing it differently, and I'm promoting and inviting people to consider there might be a different way of being in relationship with their kids, it's triggering. Mm. Right? Because what they hear is, oh, you're saying what I'm doing is not okay, and it's the same kind of response, well, let's just see. Let's just see what happens with your parents, right? Yeah, man. Like,

DJ Johnson 30:09
I'm a big advocate. When I work with parents, I say, look, I believe you got to look at this thing as a buffet. When you go to a buffet, there's something there that you might want, there's something there that you might want, like, you know, pick out things from the buffet into it. You find the perfect concoction that's going to work with your child. But to have this idea of, like, one parenting style is going to fix all of your issues as a parent like that. For me, that's not realistic. And so for me, I'm I'm trying all these different things. I'm trying this way, conscious parent. I'm trying, you know, positive discipline. I'm trying whatever is going to help me find that perfect concoction for my child, which ultimately is not going to be perfect, but Right. It's going to go in a direction where one I want that relationship to be the vital, important thing that we kind of hang our hat on. And then I believe, once that relationship is in place, then everything else tends to take care of itself. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 31:02
and brain development happens. Like, you know, that's what I talk about with parents of teenagers, right? It's like, you know, the parenting style, I think, is really influential on the relationship that you have with your teens, but it does not, it does not prevent what is very typical brain development, right? That's happening no matter what kind of parent you are. And I always laugh too, because it is really wonderful having open, honest relationships with my kids. My kids tell me everything, almost, and it is really hard also, because I get to hold, you know, just because they're telling me everything doesn't mean I'm like, you know, some of the things are usually, you know, can be, Oh, guess what I did. I have to tell you what I did, you know. And I'm like, oh god, okay, let's talk more about that, you know. But I think that the biggest piece for me, especially with the teen years, and for parents who've who start young, like, like we did, like you are, you know, and you move into adolescence, and there is this expectation of, okay, good, well, our adolescence is going to be easy peasy, because we have this great foundation. And sometimes maybe sort of, and the terrain changes. The terrain is messy and sometimes treacherous, but the foundation of respect and dignity and relationship is where we get to hold space, right? So I want to talk about the parents you work with and the teens. You know because you're working with parents of teens, where do you notice their in the parents that you serve? Where do you notice their conditioning coming to the surface? And how do you support them in recognizing that that's what's happening and to be willing to release that grip?

DJ Johnson 32:50
I think there's two big things that I think come up for them. Is the first is the respect piece factor, like they Oh my goodness, parents get so up in arms and like they don't they so disrespectful and this and that. And I'm like, yeah, when you had years upon years of parents being blatantly disrespectful to their kids and just magically expecting that respect back, like a lot of the lot of the things that I see when we parent in that way is like, it turns out to be a big contradiction. It's like you're not respecting your children, and you expect them to somehow go out into the world and respect adults. It is like, the best way that I see teens start to respect adults is that they the adult models and shows what respects look like. And so having a conversation around that, like, man, get the whole give. You got to give respect to get in. It's just like, No, I think that's, you know, an outdated motto of like, we really got to model what that looks like because you as a parent who's constantly yelling at their kid, eventually your your kid's gonna tune you out. So any lesson that you try to teach your kid is gonna fall on deaf ears because you've been yelling and, you know, pointing out their flaws and doing all these different things to them for all these years. If there's some think about this, because a lot of times I have to, I'll post perspectives of a child, parent perspective, and really put it into an adult to adult perspective, because somehow a lot of parents out there really feel like it's different when it comes to a child and an adult. So when we think of an adult, let's say your boss. Imagine your boss coming to your office every single day and saying, Hey, that report wasn't good enough. Hey, this wasn't done right? Hey, why don't you? Like, imagine like, eventually you would want to lock your boss out of your office. Eventually you would want to not hear that. That's the same thing with our teenage kids. So when it comes to respect, modeling, doing all those different things, like you got to show you. How to do that through your actions. And then your child is like, okay, okay, I get what they're trying to say. They've been telling me this. I kind of tune them out, but I see what what they mean by respect. Because when my son is four now, but like, with him, I'm like, Hey, I didn't yell at you, I didn't say anything, but, like, I kind of remind him, I'm like, Hey, I've been showing you respect. Like, this is what it looks like, like, let's, let's, let's match energies. And same with the teenagers. When I work with teenagers, like I went in the old school way when I first started working with teens and try to demand respect and all that stuff. And I recognized quickly, like that wasn't gonna work if I was gonna win them over. And so I am, you know, shifted to Okay, let me respect these young adults, because ultimately they're going to be that within the next four years. And it really changed the game for me, and it really opened up a world for me with teens. And I was just like, Oh, I get it. You guys are just misunderstood, yeah. And you Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 35:58
yeah. And there's so much. There's so much messaging around teenagers that is so disrespectful, like, it's no wonder they're giving us the middle finger. I mean, like, of course, we're telling them you don't know, you don't have any perspective. Yeah, you know. I

Yeah, and I think that, in and of itself, is such an interesting place to dig around in, because so I have my oldest ended up dropping out of school in 11th grade, and she got her GED, and she's now in trade school, but in the moment, right again, I'm a parent educator, I'm also college graduate. I'm like, What the fuck is happening right now? And in the moment, it was really hard for me to to trust that she could see beyond the next day, and whether or not she could see beyond the next day, she was deeply invested in her own self preservation, and that's when I was able to let go and trust like, Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stay co pilot, but I'm gonna let her fly this plane and allow her to really, you know, carve her path On her terms. And it changed everything, yeah. Now I don't think that every kid who threatens to drop out of school needs to actually drop out of school, but for us, it was something that has played out so far in her best interest, right? And so again, coming back that is not that is a new school parenting model that, I mean, I think about How had she had my parents? Like, oh my gosh, I don't know what would have happened to her, because that would have been, that wouldn't have even have been an option. So it's interesting to think about that, but the more you know, and just working on just really being respectful of the fact of the idea, right? I'm not gonna say the fact, but the idea that she does have a vision that our teens can see beyond the next day, and they do have perspective and also remembering too, that it is so much more powerful for them to learn through experiences and making decisions and making mistakes and falling down and getting up than it is to have Some adult telling them what to do, how to think, what's going to happen, right? Like, it's such a more powerful experience for them to live through life, versus us to tell them what life's all about, because

DJ Johnson 38:31
that's what has been happening for so much of their childhood in I think one of the things I enlighten my parents as well as like, think about all the years that you parented a certain way, and if you didn't fully meet the needs of your child as they were growing up, whether they had a need of having more autonomy, whether they had a need of being more control over certain decisions of their lives, they finally get to the teenage years where I think they are more confident in standing up for themselves. Maybe,

Casey O'Roarty 39:09
yeah, they're wired for it. It's what it's brain development. Yeah, for sure,

DJ Johnson 39:14
it's so it's like, nip I tell parents like, No, you need to look at that as a need for more control over their lives and work with them to figure out what that's going to look like. A lot of parents see that as, oh, they're threatening my authority, or they're, you know, they're, you know, going against what I'm trying and it's just like, no, like, they're like, you said they're going through the natural, natural brain development stage. And so this is why I get frustrated with parents who are like, there's no book on parenting and we're just kind of winging. And it's like, yes, that is true, but you'd be very naive to not know that there's research and understanding around your child and their development in their brain. So at the bare minimum, at least pick up a book and read on that. So all these different behaviors that you getting upset about with your teen can make sense to you, right? And then we don't

Casey O'Roarty 40:06
have to take it so personally. That's what I love about it. That's

DJ Johnson 40:10
the part right there. That's so true. So,

Casey O'Roarty 40:13
yeah, I always bring it back to relationship, and sometimes because we can offer tools and strategies and tips, and if the relationship is really frayed, then everything's gonna fall flat. And so what are some thoughts that you have for parents who are finding themselves in a place where their relationship with their teen could use some repair. What does that look like for you when you're talking to parents of teens about repairing relationship? Yeah,

DJ Johnson 40:42
I think it's first and foremost, the parent has to have a conversation about where they went wrong in the relationship. Like for me, I'm really big on self assessing and really looking inwards and saying, Okay, how did I do this situation? How could I have done it better? I think when you can acknowledge that, then you can go into the conversation and maybe even starting it off that way, knowing our teams, knowing the egos that they tend to develop, we want to let them know like, Hey, I missed this, this and this up. I could have did this better. And I'm going to work towards that and open up space to say, Hey, what is it that you feel like you could do better, if there's anything, and just have a conversation. I say, let's have more even conversations, because I feel like so many of our conversations is one person is up here yelling down at the other person, and I'm like, let's bring our hands together and have even conversations where there's nothing there, you're you're active listening there, hopefully active listening. And we're having a conversation where you, your child, now feels comfortable to come to you, Casey, and it's like we that's those are even conversations where they feel comfortable to come to you for certain things. And we have to start there and you say, look, I messed up. I'm gonna continue to work towards this, and I'm gonna hold space and allow you to come to me when I fall astray, like, say, hey mom, you you know you said you would do this. I see that you're not, you haven't been doing it. And I'm like, You know what? Thank you for calling that out. This like, this is not alien, you know dynamics conversation like these are human, human interactions. Yeah, have it with your teenager. It's okay, yes, yes,

Casey O'Roarty 42:26
yes, yes, yes. I love and I love that you went directly to accountability for the parents. I think that, you know, I don't think we can hear that enough or be reminded of that enough, because typically, if a relationship is frayed, there are, there's two people that make a relationship. And by the way, everyone, if you're the parent, you're the adult, you're in relationship with someone who maybe has 14 or 16 or 19 years of life experience. They are still learning from your example. And one of the one of the skills we all want for our teens is their willingness to take personal responsibility and accountability. And they're not going to do that until it's modeled for that, right? Yeah. And so guess who gets to model it? Everyone you do so and then from that place, yeah, I love that. And I think it's important to note too, that sometimes you know when relationship has been tense, and maybe you have shown up a certain way for a long time, and you decide, You know what I'm I'm going to do the work, I'm going to make the shift, I'm going to try Something different. Don't be surprised when your teenagers are like, this is a load of shit, because they aren't. They're not gonna buy it. You've gotta really prove that it's not just when times are easy or not just, you know, if they immediately comply, it's really what you're committing to is not conditional to how your kids behave, which is kind of a big ask, right? Like, yeah, you're committing to being in a respectful relationship with someone that you love, yeah, and it's up to them to show up to it as they do, yep,

DJ Johnson 44:14
and it's gonna take time, especially if you haven't been in a space where you've allowed this to happen. Like, I think some parents get into this. They're like, well, let me try it, and it doesn't work, you know, the first couple days, or, you know, weeks, or whatever, and then they're like, Okay, I'm over it. It's like, no. Like, think about all those years where you did it a certain way, like, your child needs to know that this is for real, and it's not, as the kids say, for play, play, you know, it's not a joke, yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 44:42
right, right. It's for real. You're committed. I love that DJ. There's like 40 questions that I didn't even get to because it's so fun to talk to you. You'll have to come back on. Okay, have to come back on. Is there anything else, though, I know there was a few other. Things that I wanted to cover, but for now, is there anything else that you want to share that would be useful for parents that are listening to take away?

DJ Johnson 45:09
I just, I just think we have to really understand that in this you probably heard this 100 times, but I just want to affirm it for you again, like this, parenting journey is literally a marathon. It's not a sprint. And I think sometimes we forget that in our actions, like, we want things to happen in sprint mode, and we have to understand, like, I think parenting is constantly planting seeds, especially doing it this new way. Like, because we're like, Okay, I'm planting a seed of calmness and patience and understanding, and I'm hoping and praying that, you know, this will rub off on my kid, or whatever it might be, like, they will take that on into their spirit. So like, for me, it has really helped me to understand, like this is a marathon, like what I do now could potentially not work until five to 10 years from now, and I'm okay with that, right? I'm going to say that again, because I feel like somebody might have missed it. What I am doing now with my child might not work for five to 10 years, and I'm okay with that. That's what it means that this is a marathon, not a sprint. So that's the first thing. The other thing is, there are so many parents out there like doing this journey with y'all and you're not alone. I think so many of my parents feel like, Oh my God. Like the first week that we do our groups at the district that I work in, you can see the sigh of reliefs over the parents faces when they hear all the other parents going through the same thing that they're going through, and it's like, Yo like, you're not the only one. We are a community of parents trying to get this thing right, and what I know is that the parents that come into these groups feel so much better about having been in a community of parents like this, or listening to podcasts or whatever it might be, just feeling heard and understood. It really makes this parenting journey a little bit better. Oh,

Casey O'Roarty 47:00
it sure does. I'm so grateful for platforms like yours and for the joyful courage community, because I know that that is so that gets stated all the time. Oh my gosh, I'm not alone. Yeah, I'm not alone. So thank you for that. My last question that I ask all my guests DJ is, what does joyful courage mean to you.

DJ Johnson 47:21
I was thinking about it. And when I think about courage, I think when you're initially jumping into courage, I think there's like, fear behind it, or it's like, it's this serious kind of like, okay, let's be courageous. Like, right? And when we add joyful to it, I think it's like the excitement of like, doing something that's ultimately going to end up in a good result. So like, joyful courage to me is like I am happily jumping out and taking a leap towards something that I ultimately think is going to be a benefit to me and my family. And so yeah, for parents who listen to your podcast or who are embarking on this new school parenting way, as I put up my air quotes, you're doing that in a happy, joyful kind of way, knowing that this is going to benefit your child in the end. Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 48:10
Awesome. Where can people find you and follow your work?

DJ Johnson 48:15
Yes, so you can follow me on DJ inspires parenting. That is the page where I'd be snatching edges, or you can follow me on DJ inspires purposeful parenting on Facebook. That community is been jumping a little bit for me lately. So those two places you can find

Casey O'Roarty 48:36
there, DJ inspires parenting is your Instagram. Yeah, yes. Sorry, yeah, yes. Thank you. And you have a website.

DJ Johnson 48:43
I do djinspires.com, this information about me. I'm, you know, I'm a motivational speaker as well. So if you have a kid's school and you want me to come speak to you students, you know, let me know. Reach out to me.

Casey O'Roarty 48:55
Awesome. And all those links, listeners will be in the show notes. Thank you so much for spending time with me today, of course, thank

DJ Johnson 49:03
you for having me.

Casey O'Roarty 49:10
Thanks for listening, friends. I really hope you enjoyed this show. Don't forget, you can get the seven tips for connecting with your teens, as well as updates and offers from joyful courage by joining my mailing list. Joyful courage.com/email do it now so we can be even more connected. Also be sure to follow me in all the places. I love. Connecting with you on social media. If you feel inspired and you haven't already, do me a favor and head over to Apple podcast and leave a five star review. We are working hard to stand out and make a massive impact on families around the globe. Your review helps the joyful courage podcast to be seen by even more parents. If the review thing isn't your jam, just snap a screenshot and share it on Instagram or Facebook. Tag me joyful courage and I will. Repost it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, friends, take a deep breath. Ride it into your body, find that balcony seat for perspective and trust that everyone is going to be okay. I'll see you again next week.

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