Episode 303: Solo Show- Minimizing Phone Drama

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Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:03
Hey, friends, welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting teenagers. I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline, lead trainer, parent, coach and mom walking the path right next to you as I am perfectly raise my own two kids. Joyful courage is all about grit. You've heard me say it. I'm saying it again. It's about growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. Today's show is a solo show, and I encourage you to listen for how grit shows up as I tease apart the topic for today. Thank you so much for listening. I am so honored to lead you each and every week, grateful that what I put out matters to you and so excited to keep it coming. Thank you for who you are and for being in the community. Enjoy the show.

Hey everybody. Hey. Welcome back to the pod. It's officially December. I am recording this, and it is December that is so weird. This time of year always flies by. Here we are, thinking we have all the time in the world to prep things like advent calendars. And then it's December 2, and I look over and that darn thing is still empty, damn it. Not to worry. I'm gonna get after it in the next few days, starting late is not a deal breaker. Did you hear that starting the Advent Calendar after the first of the year is not a deal breaker? And you don't have to do advent calendars. You're the boss of you. Happy holiday season. Oh my gosh. I am loving doing my seven day challenge. So this show will come out on Monday. It'll be day six of the challenge, and it's been so fun. I love interacting with people over Instagram and Facebook, live real time. So thanks to all of you that are showing up for that. Thank you. Today we're gonna talk about screens. We're not going to talk about holiday stuff. We're going to talk about screens, screens and screen limits and all the things. And no, this is not the first time that this is a topic on the podcast, right? No, but just like the conversations we're having with our kids about their screens, it happens frequently, right? We got to revisit it. We got to hear it again. We got to hear it a different way. And I'm bringing it to the podcast because pretty much all of my private clients right now are having conversations with me about screens.

Some have younger adolescents that they want to get it right with, right they're like, how do I make sure that screens aren't an issue? Spoiler, they're always an issue. Some of my clients have older teens who maybe have been on screens for a while with no limits, and now they're trying to set some and then everything in between, everything in between. So this is real and relevant to the community. Full transparency. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I'm not the loosest or the strictest parent when it comes to teens and screens. You know, I love to outsource as much as I can when it comes to limits, meaning I set up automated functions that make it so I don't need to think too much about keeping up with my kids. Phone use. I use the screen time app on the iPhones. We have the whole family thing going on so that I can set app limits for my son and downtime limits with him as well. I also have something through our Wi Fi provider, where the Wi Fi can see all the devices, TVs, gaming, phones, and at a certain time every day, the Wi Fi shuts off those devices, so those devices no longer can connect to the internet. That's what works for me, that's what makes it easy. Er, easier. Now, granted, I've had lots of times where I'm like, Oh, I'm gonna turn off the downtime because it's a late night or blah, blah, blah, whatever reason. And then I don't go back and turn it back on. And then I look at my kid's phone and it's like, Oh, you were on your phone for eight hours. Listen, I don't get mad at him about that. I recognize, okay, the limits weren't set. He went a little ballistic. This is why we put up the guardrails around the phones, because our kids don't really have the tools, nor do we. We're being really honest to monitor their use of screens. Yes, right? So I just want to keep it real. I want to keep it real. I'm not perfect at this, and we have lots of conversation around screens at my house, and it's not emotional. It's really just open, light, honest, collaborative conversations, and that's where I want all of you to get with your kids, too. So let's start at the start. When should you get your kids a phone? When should you get your kids a phone? Yeah, well, that's up to you, right? That's up to you. Honestly. You get to decide when you want to bring this dynamic into the family system. There is no rush here. Do I think kids in elementary school need a phone? No, I don't, do? You have a landline so they can call each other. You should do? You let them use your phone to connect with their friends? Maybe that's an idea. I don't think kids in elementary school need phones, and you get to decide what works for your family, right? I know there are single parents out there whose kids are being shared between two households, and it makes sense, you get to decide. You get to decide. While it seems like kids are getting phones earlier and earlier, there's no rule. Just because there's other kids in your fourth graders class who have phones doesn't mean you have to get your fourth grader a phone. You just don't have to do what works for you. Do what fits into your values. Don't be pressured into doing something when your gut tells you that your child isn't ready for it. Validate that they want it and that it's hard not to have it. It sucks, right? It sucks when you want something so bad and you don't get to have it yet. Acknowledge their feelings about it. Don't brush them off. Don't dismiss it. It's real for them. Yeah, it's hard. I of course you're feeling angry at me and dad or mom. It's hard. Offer some hope. You know this isn't something that we're ready to step into yet. This is something we can talk about when you're a little bit older. Be ready to share your concerns. Don't be vague, like, Why? Why not? What is it that is keeping you from feeling like your child is ready? Right? And it's okay to be a no. It is okay to say Nope, not yet. I love you so much, and it's okay to be disappointed about it, not in a flip way, but in a really honest, authentic way. Now, when you are ready, when you're considering Yep, you know it might be time. The good news for all of you who are just about ready to dip your toe into this whole my child has a phone. Thing are that people have gotten smarter. Companies have gotten smarter. You are going to hear my promo later in the show for trumi wireless. Trumi is a device that starts off dumb. It's a smartphone that really doesn't do anything other than text and call, and that's amazing, right? They're a sponsor of the podcast, and the reason that they're a sponsor is because I totally believe in their product, and that's how I would have started back in the day. I wish that this had been something that would have been available to me with my kids, and there's other brands too, of starter smartphones, or you could get them a flip phone, or if you're super tech savvy, you could just get them a phone and dumb it down yourself. What I notice is that a lot of parents, like kids, know more about technology than parents do, and then parents get these phones that they don't really know how to dumb down, and before they know it, their kids are on a free for all, and they don't know what to do about it. So don't do that if you're going to get them a smartphone before they open it up and get started on it, do your research, get some information, and do what you need to do to dumb it down before it hits their hot little hand. Okay, that's my advice on that. What should limits be like? What are appropriate limits for kids and phones? We're talking about phones today again, what works for you, what feels good to you. What is your gut telling you? What are your values when I talk about limits and downtime with my kids, it's a health and well being conversation, and that's what I tell my clients too. It's about health and well being. It's not, do I trust you? It's not. What are you capable of, are you responsible enough? I center the conversation around health and well being, around sleep, around activity, around real life, connection health and well being. I encourage you to wait on the social media. To just wait. They don't need to be on social media. If your kids are in elementary school, they do not need to be on Snapchat or any of the social medias, including Tiktok. Okay. Tiktok is a nightmare time waster, and their 100% is content on Tiktok that you do not want your young kids and young adolescents getting sucked into for sure, it's also fun and creative. I mean, I can spend 45 minutes watching baby Tiktok videos, and before I know it, I'm like, Oh, shoot. I should make dinner, right? So, yeah, it's fun and creative. Is it something that kids should have free reign inside of? No, it's not. It's not. It's it's actually the only app in my son's phone that we have put his request. He has a certain amount of time that he can use his phone, right? And there's a cut off when he gets there done. Tiktok is actually something that we've put a limit on, because he is grossed out when he looks and he sees, oh, my God, I spent two hours on Tiktok, and I realized that's pretty low. A lot of kids are on there a lot longer. So he has a 45 minute cutoff for Tiktok, right? Okay, so wait on the social media. And if you aren't on social media, and you know your kids are getting older and getting ready to get on a phone, get on social media. You don't have to have a million friends, but learn how to navigate it. Be ready to follow your kids when they do step into social media, and just have that be you know what you do so they know you're in the arena with them, right?

Limits grow with your kids. Remember that limits grow with your kids. What it looks like in sixth grade is going to look different than ninth grade is going to look different than 12th grade, right? So downtime, that's a big one for me. I really encourage you to create a downtime limit. A lot of people say, get the phones out of the rooms. I encourage you to do that. I would be a liar if I didn't also say that we have downtime set and my son does have his phone in his room. He streams music and he uses it for an alarm, which can be slippery, except we use the downtime app, and I have bedtime set up in his phone, so everything shuts down, basically, except for Spotify and his alarm and like the weather. So I know that he's getting in bed and not interacting on his phone because he can't. Is that the best way to do it? I don't know, probably not, but that's where we're at, and I'm okay with it. That's my value. That's what my guts telling me is okay. So I'm okay with it. You get to do what works for you. App limits, like I mentioned means, you know, I have conversations with my kid around, how much time do you think? How much time do you want to be spending on your phone? Like he's an active kid, right? He's active. He plays basketball, he's in school, he's got buddies, you know, he doesn't want to spend eight hours a day on his phone, and we have conversations about the fact that there are a lot of kids who do spend that much time on their phone. And what is, how does that feel? What do you think about that? You know, we just stay in that curiosity staying in that curiosity space. Right now, the app limits that are set on his phone is about three and a half hours a day. That kind of fluctuates a little bit, but if he can have a weekly average of about three and a half hours, I feel pretty good about that. I feel pretty good about that, and so does he. And I'm speaking about all of this because we have iPhones. I'm sure that there's something on Android phones that does all these things. I don't know what it is, but on iPhones, you can see, you can see how they use it, when they use it, what they use it for. Like, all of that data is available and really useful to look at with your kids, so that they can also be in the awareness around how they're using their phone. Sometimes the conversation, you know, is more of a conversation when they're younger, around, when can you be on your phone? When can you use it? And as they get older, it's a conversation around, well, when does the phone need to be put away, right? So there's the both, and there, I would say, be careful about using the phone as leverage or consequences. Remember, in positive discipline, we talk about consequences as being related, respectful, reasonable and revealed in advance solutions to problems related, respectful, reasonable and helpful. So. So if they're not getting their homework done, or they get in a fight with their sibling and throw some colorful language around, taking their phone away is not at all related to that situation and isn't actually going to build any skills for them in getting along with their sibling. So just notice that, because we know how much they care about their phone. So it can feel tempting to grab it right and to use it as leverage. Be ready to negotiate right again. Like I said, limits grow as your kids grow. So they might grow out of some of the limits that you've created. Be willing to listen and hear them out and hear what they need. Again, bringing it back to health and well being, always, always, always health and well being monitoring. So I get questions a lot about, you know, bark and these different softwares and again, this comes back to you. What are you comfortable with what feels right to you, what's inside of your value system. I do think it's appropriate for younger kids to have an adult monitoring their screen use absolutely I feel like it's absolutely appropriate to have access especially when you feel like there's any kind of red flags. I don't think it's appropriate to read your kids text messages on a daily basis. Would you read their journal? Would you read their diary? Would you listen in on their phone calls? So like, check yourself, if you're someone who does a lot of monitoring, take a step back and ask yourself, why? What are you finding out? What are you worried about? What are the skills that you believe your child doesn't have. And how can you instead of spending all your time looking at their phone, how can you instead come around and support them in growing the tools that they need to use the device to be in relationship with other people? If you do check their phones, let them know this is something that will happen periodically, and do it in front of them. Don't be like, Hey, I'm gonna see what's going on, you know. And people might disagree with me here. Some people might say, well, if they know I'm gonna check it, then they're gonna get rid of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, okay, maybe, maybe, maybe not. And at the end of the day, we just want to treat our kids with dignity and respect, right? Ultimately, you get to decide how you handle this with your kids. Just be aware, okay, be aware of the unintended consequences and ruptures of relationship that may show up if you take away all of your adolescents privacy, because that's really what we're talking about, it's that conversation between privacy and safety and finding the balance that fits. There's so much more to talk about here. I know it. Keep in mind that these devices, these phones and the gaming consoles and the laptops and the TVs, all the screens in your house are privileges, and privileges come with responsibility. And I don't mean do your chores and you'll earn your screen time. That's not what I'm talking about here. With responsibility. I mean responsibility around use, around having coherent conversations about limits and downtime, around staying healthy and keeping a critical mind about how these devices are making you feel, making your kids feel, and how is their use getting in the way of their lives, and is it it might not be You, my friend, are the leader of your family. You get to hold the tension of the privilege responsibility conversation, and if you have a child that's unwilling to talk about things like screen limits and downtime, are they responsible enough to have that device? I'm going to leave you with that question. I'm sure that I'll be doing a follow up. So after you listen to this, if you have questions, if you want to know more about certain parts of what I shared today, I'm trying to keep it kind of short, because I know December is such a crazy month for all of us. I want to hear your follow up questions. I want to hear your yeah buts. I can do a part two of this. If you want, reach out to me. Email me at Casey, at joyful courage.com, and let me know. What are your yeah butts, where are you like, okay, yeah, I get that, but what does this look like, and how do I handle this? Give me all your feedback and and I'll create a part two for you on screens, because I know screen conversation is freaking real, right? It's real, it's ongoing, and I'm here to support you. So that's one I got today. Big Love to all of you in podcast land. I'll see you next week.

All right, everybody, thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to. One. If you feel inspired and you haven't already, please do me a favor and head over to Apple podcast and leave a review. I am always working hard to stand out and make a massive impact on families around the globe. Your review helps the joyful courage podcast to be seen by even more parents. Thank you. Also follow joyful underscore courage on Instagram. Follow my Facebook business page. Join joyful courage for parents of teenagers, I love connecting with you on social media, and don't forget about those. Trumi offers, giveaways, drawings and 50% off the device of your choice for a limited time, go to trumi.com to find out more and use coupon code. Joyful courage at checkout. I'm so glad that we got to hang out again this week. Thanks for being here. Love ya. Bye.