Eps 311: Solo Show- 2 Assumptions That Support Parenting Teens

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Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:03
Music. Hello, my friends. Welcome to joyful courage, a conscious parenting podcast where we tease apart the challenges and nuances of parenting through adolescence. I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer and adolescent lead at sproutable, a company that represents not only the growth of children, but also the journey and evolution that we go through as parents. I am walking the path right next to you as I navigate the teen parenting with my own two kids here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, joyful courage is all about grit growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. Today's show is a solo show. Listen for how grit shows up. Thank you for being here. We are over 1 million downloads and 300 plus episodes strong, and you have taken us to the top 1% of podcasts worldwide. I so appreciate you enjoy the show.

Hey everybody. Today in the solo show, I'm gonna bring up something that you have heard me talk about before, and I am going to talk about it in a new way. Does that sound all right to all of you? If I talk about something in a new and different way in prior shows and with clients and in groups that I teach, I often invite parents to check their assumptions at the door. We make all sorts of guesses about what our other people, what our teens are thinking, feeling and deciding, and we think we know what's going on, and then we act from that place of knowing. And I'm not saying that you don't know your kids. You do, however, lots of the time we have limited information about what our teens are going through and the assumptions we are making are false, leading our teens to feel even more disconnected and misunderstood by us their parents. So the solution here is to check in with them, right, get curious, drop the assumption that you know, and listen to them. Listen to understand and broaden your perspective. Remember the iceberg metaphor? I've talked about this a lot. The iceberg metaphor is basically the idea that the behavior you are seeing from your teen or tween is the tip of the iceberg, and it's a solution or a response to what's happening under the surface. Under the surface is where all the juicy, important information lives. This is where we are getting to when we get curious, when we stay open, when we listen to understand, it's the challenges that are happening under the surface, the misguided beliefs, perceptions and issues that you may not know about you probably don't know about, that are driving the behavior that's showing up with your teen, with your child. So if you are like, oh, I want to know more about that. You can get more information around the belief behind behavior in this little playlist that I made for you to listen to on Spotify. It's the JCP belief behind behavior playlist. You can look in the show notes and there'll be a link to get you there, or you can just search JCP, belief behind behavior on Spotify, and it'll come up. But those are last spring I did a whole series of podcasts around belief behind behavior, so I've captured them all on one playlist on Spotify for you if you want to check that out. So yeah, so you've heard me speaking into assumptions as not being very useful on our parenting practice. But today I'm going to offer up a couple of assumptions that I think are useful, and I want you to try them on and see how they feel. You know, I offer a buffet you get to take what feels supportive and leave what doesn't behind. So here's some buffet servings for you assumptions that support us, with parenting our teens, with getting out of the way, with not taking things personally and with staying curious and non judgmental, those are the assumptions we're going to talk about today. Okay, sounds dreamy, right? They come from the book parenting a teen with intense emotions, DBT skills that help your teen navigate emotional and behavioral challenges. By Pat Harvey and Britt Rathbone. You've heard me talk. Talk a lot about DBT dialectic behavioral therapy here on the show, my daughter even came on and we talked about our experience in a DBT program and how it was for us in episode 252 if you want to go back and listen to that, check it out if you haven't already. So yeah, so two useful assumptions for parenting adolescents. So shout out to my living joyful courage membership mamas, we dove deep into this on our last call, and it was a really rich discussion. I'm just going to give you a little, a little bite sized piece of what we played around with on that call. So first assumption that I want you to try on Imagine looking through, looking out of as a lens. Okay, first assumption, your teen is doing the best they can in the moment, and so are you. Your teen is doing the best they can in the moment, and so are you. What happens when you live as though this assumption is true? What happens when this is the lens that you see your teen and tween out of your teen is doing the best they can in the moment, and so are you? I want you to really sit with that statement and consider the power that it has. Your teen is doing the best they can in the moment, and so are you. Many parents I work with feel as though their child could be doing better, that their teen just doesn't care. I remember being so frustrated and feeling like my child simply wanted to sit around and do nothing all day, that she wasn't trying hard enough to get out into the world to get out of her mood right, our frustration and sometimes desperation leads us to thoughts and beliefs about Our kids that turn into and fuel action that isn't useful or sometimes is hurtful and can really damage connection and relationship. So when trying on, your teen is doing the best they can in the moment and so are you, there's room to pause. There's room for empathy and compassion. There is space to get curious about their experience. We approach things differently from this lens and the energy can shift. The Energy has the opportunity to be different when we hold that our teens are doing the best they can in the moment.

You know, there are days when we're killing it right, days when we are super productive and engaging, upbeat and available to the people around us. Then there are days that are less like that, right? Maybe we're distracted by a big project that needs to get done, maybe we didn't sleep well, maybe we're having a hard time in one of our relationships. Those days we aren't as engaging or upbeat, and maybe we show up a bit snappier and more short tempered. Our behavior is influenced by our emotions, our moods, and some days are better than others. This is true for us, and it's true for our kids. What happens and what becomes available when we believe that we are doing the best we can in the moment? Now notice, I'm not saying we are at our best in the moment, but we are doing the best we can in the moment. They our teenagers are doing the best they can in the moment with the limited skills and life experiences that they have. You know, I know some of you are listening and thinking, I don't know, I don't know, Casey, I think my kid could be doing a lot better. Or, yeah, you know, I think my kid really, truly, doesn't really care. And I am here to challenge those beliefs. Okay, I'm here to challenge those beliefs, and to invite you to challenge those beliefs as well, even if it's just for the sake of playing around and trying something new, right? Because my guess is, if you're feeling pushback, if you're feeling resistance to this idea, my guess is you've been frustrated for a long time. Remember, our teens have a lot going on in their lives, even the ones that seemingly never leave their room or put down their phone all day, they are consuming information about the world that is overwhelming and hard to make sense of. They're watching adults misbehave. They're navigating relationships with peers who are equal. Is overwhelmed, and they're trying to make sense of it. They're trying to make sense of the world, of their role in it, figuring out who they are and looking for what the purpose is, right, their purpose, the purpose of life. They're having some deep thoughts. Our teens run the gamut of depressed, disillusioned, enthusiastic, engaged, driven, defeated, motivated, confused. They're feeling all the things. They're feeling all the things when we can hold them in the space that they're doing the best they can in the moment we're giving them a lifeline, an opportunity to be seen in all of it, and shifting how we are in relationship with them. What do you think about that? Are you willing to play with that to see what happens when you hold them in that kind of space? I'm excited to hear what happens, and you might find that it's not easy, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's not easy. It's a new way of thinking about maybe it might be for you, a new way of considering your teenager and those old ways of thinking they hang on for dear life. So it'll take some practice and some repetition to get there, but I really encourage you to get there and see what it opens up. The second assumption that I want to share with you is that your teen may not have caused their problems, but only they can solve it. Only they can solve it. Your teen may not have caused their problems, but only they can solve it. Only they can solve their problems. Man, oh, man, this one hit home for me, and I'm guessing that it did for you too. To me, this speaks into my favorite mantra that you've heard me say before, fiercely committed, lovingly detached. Fiercely committed, lovingly detached. Here's the deal. There's so much in our kids' lives that they can't control. There's so much uncertainty, their class schedule. There are evolving friendships, disappointments, the weather, so much, not to mention the freaking pandemic, right? And everything that is coming with that. Maybe there are mental health issues that have gotten in the way of following through and showing up to their lives. Well, right? Regardless of what's going on for your child, what challenges they are facing, the problems that are getting them down, they are the only ones who can solve those problems. They're the only ones that can create change in their lives. Damn. Let that sink in for a moment. And again, remember, we're trying this on. We're feeling it out. It is true that we parents can and should get the resources that our teens need, right. We need to reach out, set things up, create an environment that's supportive, right? That's the fiercely committed piece. I'm going to set up a team for you that's going to look out for you, that's going to be useful to you, that you can lean on, that will be available to you. But the reality is that it's up to the teen to decide to solve their problems. It is up to the teen to decide to change, right? And this is the place where loving, lovingly detached shows up, right? Sometimes their timeline isn't the same as ours, right? And I know because I hear from so many of you, I see you in the joyful courage for parents of teens Facebook group talking about this, so many of you in the community talk about knowing that therapy would be really useful for your child, but they are unwilling to go. Or you've got a teen that, you know, is just going through the motions and work in the system and saying what they need to say, but aren't really willing to do the work to make change in their life. I have lived through this too. It took many years for my teen to not only connect with a therapist but be willing to implement the tools they were being offered to change the experience they were having in life. I was ready for her to enthusiastically participate back in 2018 but it took a few years for her. To be a willing and active participant in creating the life she wanted. In fact, she talks about this on the podcast that we did together, the idea that it was all up to her was too much to hold for a while, and once she realized that it was empowering to be the one that got to make the change and make an active difference in her life. She was able to do that, and it took time, right? More time than I would have liked for it to take. Your teen may not have caused their problems, but only they can solve it. How about we hold this assumption as an invitation to let go of all that responsibility we're holding around. We are the ones we have to fix our child's problem. What does it feel like to let go of that energetic responsibility? We're still they're advocates. Yeah, we're still reaching out, finding resources, looking for outside help, absolutely, but at the end of the day, it is up to your team to be willing to change, to be willing to take advantage of what you are setting up for them.

You uh, and you know, here's the really annoying part some of our kids, they're gonna take their problems and their challenges into adulthood, and that will be when the willingness to do their work shows up. And I'm here to say that isn't a parent fail my friends, that is their journey, just like the work that we, that you and I are doing, have done in our adult life, has been a part of our journey, right? I think we get this we hold this idea that it's our job, you know, and it's our responsibility to make sure that once our kids launch they are they have all the life skills and all the tools, and are well adjusted and mentally sound and balanced and emotionally available and all the things as they step out into the world, and all of those things, yes, we want to create space for them. We want to provide opportunities for them to flex those muscles absolutely 100% we need to do our work to show up as healthy as we can be, to model these things for them. And all those things can happen, but their ongoing development happens well after they leave our house, okay, they're gonna have more to learn, more to do, more to work through, more to process. And for some kids, that's actually what it's gonna take, is that real life experience of Damn, I gotta get my shit together, because now I'm on my own, and really, there isn't anyone else to blame but me. So it's not a fail, right? You get to keep showing up, just like you have been, but you also get to release that energetic responsibility that it's all up to you, right? Continue to encourage them, continue to validate, to listen deeply, for understanding and show up for them with all the love you've got, but let go of the idea that it's your job to solve all of their problems. What do you think? Two assumptions, two assumptions to play around with this week and integrate, well, long this week and beyond, right and integrate into your parenting practice to see what unfolds. Your teens are doing the best they can in the moment, and so are you and your teen may not have caused their problems, but only they can solve them. Let me know what you think and how it feels to try these on. And remember, if you're listening to the podcast and looking for deeper support with what's going on with your teen, I'm your gal. You can book a 15 minute explorer call with me to see if one on one coaching is the right fit for you. You can check out the online summits that I've got, or sign up for the parenting teens with positive discipline class happening later in the spring. I have got you covered. Head over to be sproutable.com/teens, to find out more. Have a beautiful week, my friends.

There you have it, another solo show in the bag, and I hope you took away value, my friend. If you have any questions, you can reach out to me at KC, at joyful courage.com. I read every single email that comes my way. If you loved the show, please show your support by writing a review wherever you listen to pop. Podcasts and help our impact grow. Thank you to the team at sproutable for your back end help, and chris at podshaper.com for your stellar editing. Don't forget parent educator training that starts february 14. I am so honored that you listen each week. We are all doing the best we can in the moment that includes you have a beautiful week. See you, Thursday with episode two of becoming sproutable, the limited series so good. All right. Love ya. Bye.