Eps 633: Revisiting Control vs Influence While Parenting Teens

Today Joyful Courage is leaning into the vulnerability that comes with things being in flow. Life is always unfolding and you never know what tomorrow will bring, but today I choose to have the courage to bask in the joy and connection of the present moment.

Transcription

JC Ep 633 (12.11.25) - Final
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm so glad that you're here. Man. Yes. Here we are in December. When this show goes live, here I am feeling like, why haven't I done anything to get ready for the holidays anyway, uh, this week's solo show is a throwback show and it holds up.
[00:01:46] I am talking about control. Control. We all want control. We all want control, and control is an illusion. Having conversations with parents all the time about control and how we grasp for it, and how we inadvertently create power struggles and disconnection. It's a lot. It's not just you, it's all of us. We may want control as parents of teens, but what I encourage parents to work towards is influence.
[00:02:16] This is where we can make the biggest difference and influence is all about how we're showing up. It isn't about being permissive and having no boundaries. It's about listening, being curious, accepting the kid you have, and creating personal boundaries so that. We are respecting ourselves as we move through this time of life with our young people.
[00:02:37] It isn't easy, it's super messy, and there just isn't any way to get around that you may not like what your teen is getting up to. They may be making lots of mistakes. Your job is to show up in a way that provides space for them to keep their learning at the center. When we try and control things through bribes and punishment.
[00:03:00] The learning gets lost. It gets lost in the anger that shows up when they feel controlled and misunderstood. So I really think you're gonna enjoy the content of this show. I think you're gonna enjoy it even if you heard it a couple years ago. When it went live. And I just wanna say before we get into it, shout out to the mama who I did an explore call with on Tuesday this week.
[00:03:26] You inspired me to bring this show back. I see you. I'm stoked. I get to support you. And moving from control to influence with your teen. Yeah. Alright. Enjoy the show.
[00:03:43] So I made a reel. I made a reel. Do you know what a reel is? Those little videos that you see on Instagram and TikTok and, well, actually, my kids tell me it is not the same as a TikTok anyway, I have mixed emotions about reels. Like I can't really bring myself to. Do the pointy thing, like, you know, the reels, the videos where people are pointing and the words show up.
[00:04:08] I can't, I don't feel like I can be a lip syner even when it's really funny. Audio. I have lots of colleagues and friends doing a really good job with that, and I'm good with that. I want to do them because they seem to be a really engaging way to be succinct around, you know, a particular piece of content.
[00:04:30] And so I made one. I've made a couple, but I made one that got a lot of attention last week and it was me talking about getting out of our kids' way, getting out of our kids' way, allowing them to feel the tension of life handing over responsibility. I can't remember exactly what I said about it, but it got a lot of attention.
[00:04:50] It's on my Instagram. I dropped it into my Facebook group as well. And you know, there were a couple of, uh, parents who were. Curious about this whole idea of getting out of our kids' way. And I know I've talked about it a bunch of different times and I'm gonna talk about it again today because it is one of those things where, you know, we can hear it a bunch of different ways and maybe it lands a little bit better.
[00:05:15] I'm also currently guiding, gosh, three or four different couples through some one-on-one coaching and noticing that. You know, people come to me for coaching when they're like, okay, we are in over our heads. We need support. We're ready to invest. And you know, the first couple sessions that we do, I'm feeling out, you know, the mindset of the parents, right?
[00:05:42] And helping them shift from this rewards consequence model into relationship centered. Getting out of the way, basically model. And that's hard. It's hard for parents to even kind of recognize that that's where they're at, that really, a lot of parents come to me wanting new and different ways of using rewards and consequences, and that's not what I.
[00:06:10] Spring. Um, and even when I make that clear, you know, when we do the explore call and they get to know me and I send them some podcasts so they can know me deeper, it's still, it's such a different way of being with our kids that it still is hard for parents to truly understand and shift into a different come from So.
[00:06:30] It's on my mind, this whole getting out of the way and shifting into relationship and something that happens. You know, parents are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm totally down with that. I'm down with that model. Getting out of our kids' way. But what about right? What if they're doing scary things or what if they aren't living to their potential?
[00:06:49] Okay, so. Here's what I'm talking about. When I am talking about getting out of our kids' way. I am talking about allowing our kids to feel the consequences, good or bad, of their choices, not the consequences that you are imposing on them, but the actual real consequences of their choices. I'm talking about connecting the dots between helping our teens connect the dots, between moving towards what they want or making it harder for them to get there.
[00:07:19] Helping them see how their behavior is affecting what they want. And I'm talking about allowing them to consider what their vision is and supporting them wholeheartedly in their vision. Okay, so let's get into this. So what if they are doing scary things? Okay. There's a couple realms of the whole scary things.
[00:07:43] Thing, right? Like there's the novelty seeking that's developmentally wired into their brains, right? Like they are wired for novelty seeking. They're curious. They have that extra dopamine that gets hit. They are wearing to go right who you be. What you practice inside of the novelty seeking. When you find out that they've done something that is not making you so excited, maybe they got drunk.
[00:08:12] Maybe they are experimenting with weed. Maybe they're sneaking around and not telling you. Who you be as you explore that with them, you be curious. Listen to understand being emotionally honest here, right? Meaning that sounds like I'm really scared about this and I'm gonna tell you why. And just allowing them to hear you and.
[00:08:39] Also allowing them to talk to you in a way that helps with those fears, right? Recognizing when those fears are yours and not necessarily. You know, a, like recently, for example, I, um, my son wanted to go to this big party, you know, party at the moon tower. If anyone gets that reference, you are my people party at the moon tower.
[00:09:03] Um, it was out in the middle of the woods at this big gravel pit. The kids were all spending the night. There's gonna be this big bonfire, right? My mind immediately goes to, oh God, drunken teenagers fighting and non-consensual. You know. Sexual behavior. I mean, I went right there. I went directly there. Like it was in my mind, this party was gonna be just total debauchery.
[00:09:31] And I realize that, uh, and I told my son, I said, you know, I am, when I think about alcohol, which I know there's gonna be alcohol, my mind immediately goes to violence. Or, you know, being in a place where you can't stop yourself from hurting somebody else. And we talked about that. And I also identified that a lot of my fear comes from my own behavior as a teenager.
[00:09:58] And that puts my son in a box, right? Uh, that makes an assumption that because I did X, Y, Z, he's gonna do those things and he might do those things, but he's gonna do those things for different reasons than I did because he's in a different family system. He has a different relationship with his parents, he's a different person.
[00:10:15] And you know, we get to tease that out in conversation. I share my values. When we find out that they are doing some novelty seeking and we're not really excited about that, we get to share our values. Here's what's important to me. Here's what's okay with me. Right. Here's what's not okay with me. And at the end of the day, you walk out the door and you make choices for you.
[00:10:37] So let's co-create some agreements that feel good, agreements about curfew, agreements, about driving agreements around, you know, where you go, who you're with. Co-created agreements. Now sometimes, you know, there's other layers to this. There's mental illness, there's addiction. There might be extreme risky behavior if that's what's happening.
[00:10:57] Seek outside help. And that's for your whole family, right? Not just your child. When things are getting scary, like really scary, and you feel like this is bigger than our family. Get support. Get support for you. Get support for the family system. Get support for your child. And remember I did that whole series around, uh, alternatives to punishment this past spring.
[00:11:24] I'll make sure that the playlist is in the show notes. Re-listen to that because I really tease apart what it means to shift into this mindset of relationship centered parenting versus leaning heavily on punishment and consequences when our kids are doing all the things.
[00:11:53] So the other thing is, what if they aren't living up to their potential? So this came up on my Instagram feed when I shared this reel. A friend of mine was like, yeah, I get that, but. If I don't step in, you know, he's gonna lose opportunity. He's not gonna, basically, I don't think she said living up to his potential, but that was pretty much the premise, right?
[00:12:12] Again, who you be, what are you practicing in the relationship with your child? Curiosity, listening to understand, using emotional honesty, sharing your values, co-creating agreements. The other question is who has been holding responsibility? Right? A lot of our kids, you know, when they've lived 12, 14, 16, 18 years of you doing everything for them, of you pushing them along of you setting up a dynamic where.
[00:12:43] They're being, you know, rewarded for their efforts, like rewarded, meaning like external rewards, not just the reward of like, I did really well and I earned that. You are actually creating a dynamic where you are responsible for their effort, you are responsible for what they're putting out, and it also clouds.
[00:13:09] What it is that your child wants. It becomes what you want, what you see, and it's painful for our kids. It's painful for our kids, and it's like, why should I bother? This is so important to you. You parent keep making the effort, right? You keep making the effort and let's tease that apart. It's 'cause some of it, it's so much of this comes back to moving over to the passenger seat.
[00:13:35] Like this is the time. As our kids move into adolescence and are in adolescence, they need high reps, high repetition. They need lots of. Experience being in the driver's seat and letting go of control is so hard. Letting go of control is so hard, and this is where conflict starts to build. When we don't get outta the driver's seat, when we are hanging on, 'cause we're scared and we think we know better, this is where conflict builds.
[00:14:06] Teenagers don't get the practice of responsibility because we're holding it for them. Safety nets are so high that they don't feel the tension. It becomes a problem between them and us. Their behavior is a problem between them and us, rather than a problem between them and what they want. And resentment builds.
[00:14:29] You know, our kids start to think to themselves, all my parent cares about is school or controlling me, or how I look, how I'm presenting to the world. The sooner that we can let our kids practice being in the driver's seat, the sooner they're learning the skills they need to launch and like, please hear me when I say this isn't about doing nothing, right?
[00:14:59] This is a shift away from the idea that we need to give rewards and consequences to make sure our kids do what we think is best for them. Moving towards the idea that they get to discover what is best for them and move towards that in a way that develops their skills and deepens them into their own sense of knowing themselves and self-awareness.
[00:15:27] Now remember I did, again, I did that whole Alternatives to Punishment series, and we dive deep into this. So why is it so hard to let go and get out of the way? Because we're scared, because we wanna know we're good parents because it's hard to trust our teens knowing what they want. Does that make sense?
[00:15:48] It's hard to watch them make mistakes, and it's hard to let go of our dreams for them. There's grief there, right? Letting go of our dreams, of our vision, of our narrative. There's grief there, and you guys have heard me talk a lot about this with my experience with Rowan, right? And the choices that she's made, which, you know, today I'm in awe of that kid.
[00:16:15] But when she was, you know, having a mental health spiral and dropping out of school and, you know, smoking a lot of pot and going through her stuff, I was so scared. It was not the narrative that I held. You know, and it was really confronting to me, and there was a lot of grief. I've moved through a lot of grief around that, and who she is today, the skills, the tools, the person, the way that she knows herself, the way that she knows what she wants it, I mean, it, it blows my mind.
[00:16:49] It's so far beyond who I was. At 19 years old and it's because of what she's navigated. It's because of her own intersection with life and feeling the tension and learning from it, being willing to learn from it, having space to learn from it. I was always, and have always, and will always be a soft landing for her, and I get to practice really trusting that it's her journey that's growing and developing her and there's so much.
[00:17:21] Power there. There's so much opportunity there for her. Yes. So let's do, let's do some real time support for the community. So I'm gonna talk about a post or two that showed up in the Joyful Courage Parent of Teen Facebook group, and I'm going to use it to tease apart what I'm talking about here. So one mom recently posted, I'm new to this group and I just listened to the podcast.
[00:17:42] I love what I'm learning and everything aligns with my parenting journey. It's all about connection. My role in things, alternative paths, supporting my teens positivity, trusting their journey, seeing them as humans, and realizing that my job is to influence and not boss our control. I find though, that I get lost in how to actually parent this way.
[00:18:02] For example, my teen isn't in school and would love to game and watch tv and YouTube For most of the day, he does a small chore. Spends a little time with me, and we all have family dinners, all great. But does this approach suggest I support him wherever he's at, meaning allow him to spend most of his day on a device trusting his own path to adulthood?
[00:18:24] Or do I still have a role in setting limits and having expectations? I know a technology is a beast of an issue to navigate, but it's hard to understand how it factors into parenting when you wanna. Support your child, but also wonder how much of a role it plays in preventing your child from getting on their path and using tech to tune out and avoiding all the hard things life has presented.
[00:18:44] I know how I, it's hard to know how much to push, encourage, expect, and how much to accept, support, trust. Just curious how parenting from this perspective would approach this type of situation. So first of all, always grateful when someone shows up in the community and shares. I'm always grateful for that.
[00:19:04] And this mama got tons of really powerful support from other parents. I mean, I'm sure you're listening thinking like, oh yeah, technology pain in the ass. Right? So here's how I responded to her. I said, I believe that this style of parenting is good for all kids. It is a style of being with all the people in your life while centering relationship and mutual respect.
[00:19:27] This is how we get to world peace. You asked, does this approach suggest I support him wherever he's at, allowing him to spend most of his days on a device trusting his own path to adulthood? Or do I still have a role in setting limits and having expectations? And I would say that positive discipline is both.
[00:19:45] And of these two things, I would push back that supporting him where he's at is the same as allowing him to spend most of his day on a device to me. Meeting him where he's at is acknowledging that he would like to have his days play out that way, that his days are playing out that way while also setting, co-creating and setting some limits, holding health and wellbeing as the centerpiece.
[00:20:13] Right, and I told her, you know, this is a bigger question than a Facebook response can offer. That's why I brought it to the podcast. It's a shift in mindset. It is building relationship with him so you can get clear and help him get clear on what he wants. So I'm encouraged by this parent when she said, you know, he does a small chore.
[00:20:34] He comes to the dinner table. What else did she say? Spends a little time with her. Like those are all, those all are indicators to me that there is space in the environment to do some collaborative problem solving, right? So getting clear around what he wants for his life, what his interests are, and help him navigate the years ahead.
[00:20:58] With a compass pointing towards his goals and ambitions and coming back to what he wants, and I wrote Positive Discipline, which is my foundation and the foundation for this podcast, and everything I share in the group is both kind and firm. Kind meaning we focus on nurturing relationship and recognizing that this is where our influence lies and firm.
[00:21:20] Meaning there are boundaries and limits and structures that the family lives inside of. And it's messy, no doubt, but it's respectful and it looks different, right? Like here's what's missing from this exchange between me and this parent is, I don't know this parent, I don't know her family. I don't know what kinds of routines, and I'm gonna mention that in a minute.
[00:21:41] I don't know what the structure currently is, right? So I'm coming from a place of limited. Knowledge, but wanting to share. From what you told me I wrote, I'm left wondering what is getting in his way, what's under the iceberg with school and schooling for him? 'cause she mentioned some school stuff. I'm curious about the routines you have set up at your house and what kinds of conversations you're already having about screens and screen limits.
[00:22:08] I'm wondering where he falls in birth order and what relationship and one-on-one time looks like with the parents. These are the places I am curious about. So this is, that was my response, right? That's my response to one parent. So again, we're actively parenting. It's not like we're not parenting when we get out of the way.
[00:22:28] We're just parenting in a different way. We're parenting in a different way.
[00:22:42] So here's another example from the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group. It says, seeking help and getting my teen up in the morning. Nothing wakes this kid seriously. A train could pass through his room. It's become like an hour long process of me waking him up with neither of us. Like I know.
[00:22:57] Part of it is school avoidance. Part of it is him being more of a night owl than a morning person, but I'm really needing ideas. Again, another. Parent who got tons of support from the community. 'cause so many of us can relate. What I wrote was, this sounds really hard and annoying. I know that I love my mornings and I can get really resentful if they get hijacked.
[00:23:18] And you know, I mentioned, I know the school year's nearly over, so you know, this might be a little too late for right now, but I'm really curious about what your son sees as his problem in the morning and what types of solutions he can contribute to the discussion. Some questions I would ask include, tell me about the morning for you.
[00:23:36] What makes it hard to get up? What do you need in the morning? What do you notice about me in the morning? How can we create a win-win? You may need to acknowledge that you've done him a disservice by being the one in charge of figuring out how to get him up every day. It may be worth some exploring about around what he ultimately wants.
[00:23:56] Again, there it is like shifting the focus. From what you have to do, parent towards, what does he want? I mentioned to her, I know you said school avoidance and being a night owl, is there a better educational setting for him that would meet his needs and goals? Is he willing to explore that with you? So sometimes, you know, sometimes it's not a kid problem, it's a system problem.
[00:24:19] Can you feel the work of getting out of the way and allowing our teens to feel out the driver's seat in a way that's helpful, not hurtful, right? It all takes work. I get that. Listen, in the past week, I have seen my individual therapist. I've had a Reiki energy session, and I did an hour and a half couples therapy date with my husband yesterday.
[00:24:43] Guess what shows up in all of those places? My work. My work, right. And I'm the parent educator. I'm the podcast host. I'm the leader of the, of the charge. Right. And I am actively working on letting go of the idea that my way is the way. That everyone else needs to get on board. It creates pain and suffering for me and for the people I love.
[00:25:06] It's dismissive, it's disrespectful, and it creates disconnection. And as much as I get super irritated with my therapists when they say like, that's a you problem, that's not a husband problem, that's not a kid problem, that's a you problem. I know that it's true and I'm willing, and I mean, is it humility?
[00:25:25] I, I don't know what it is. I'm willing to. Look inside at the places where I am holding on and, uh, you know, creating. The dynamic that I'm experiencing. So yes, every day we get to choose into this practice, my friend.
[00:25:49] So take care of you to nurture that willingness to step in each and every day. Stay connected via the podcast and the community. You got to hear from a couple people from the Joyful Courage, uh, Facebook group, which is free and open to everybody. Use it. Please use it. It's an awesome community. So stay connected.
[00:26:09] Listen to the podcast, be in the Facebook group. And again, like I mentioned at the top. If you want a deeper, more high touch experience with me, consider joining the membership for additional support. It's a really special place. Alright, so I hope that today's podcast was useful and, um, I love you. I'm so grateful that you listen and that you find this.
[00:26:34] Useful, and I love getting feedback from you. So please, well listen, if you have a five star review, leave it on the, on the podcast app. If you have constructive criticism, feel free to just email that to me. Um, that would be great. I'm just kidding. Either place. I can handle it. I can take it. Uh, I wanna know what you think, what's, what's useful about the pod for you and, you know, any places where you wish I would cover.
[00:27:04] You know, different topics or you have a guest in mind. Shoot me an email [email protected], and I'm happy to read it and respond. So stay in touch. Have a beautiful week. Thank you for listening. I adore this community. Seriously. I love you guys. I'm so happy to bring you shows and conversations that matter to you.
[00:27:30] I am just so grateful for your listenership. Listenership, is that a word? I'm so glad that you listen and that when you let me know that you listen. It's super special. All right. Peace out peeps. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.
[00:27:49] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my SPR partners. Julietta and Alana, thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pods Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps.
[00:28:14] Other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.