Eps 617: Revisiting Having the Courage to Let Go
Episode 617
In this replay episode, I’m getting real about having the courage to let go as our teens approach adulthood. I share my own journey parenting two very different kids. I talk about why our teens need space to develop crucial life skills like organization, time management, and problem-solving before they leave home. It’s not just about getting them to college; it’s preparing them to thrive there. I offer practical tools like family meetings, regular check-ins, and emotional honesty to help you build the connection that makes letting go possible. Let’s navigate this together.
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Takeaways from the show
- Teens need space to practice life skills
- Move from driver seat to backseat gradually
- Prepare kids for college not just admission
- Your control sends message of distrust
- Discouraged kids appear lazy or unmotivated
- Family meetings build connection and collaboration
- Schedule regular weekly check ins with teens
- Practice nonjudgmental listening without fixing problems
- Be love trust respect and connection
- Emotional honesty strengthens your relationship with teens
What does Joyful Courage mean to you?
Today and most days Joyful Courage means trusting the process, and trusting my kids. It means remembering that every challenge and every accomplishment is a thread in the tapestry of my kids lives.
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Transcription
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hey there, everybody. This Thursday's episode is a replay from the fall of 2022, and I wanna tell you why I chose to re-release this particular show now, when I originally recorded this episode about having the courage to let go, my son Ian was a junior in high school and Rowan was still living at home.
[00:00:25] Working as an aesthetician at a local spa. She had finished, um, trade school and was a licensed aesthetician. It was pretty exciting and they were both, you know, with her, we were really close to her moving out and Ian, it was eyes on the Prize as he was a junior, right? Fast forward three years, I just got back from a weekend in Tucson visiting Ian, who's now a sophomore at the University of Arizona.
[00:00:54] He's living off campus. He's navigating classes. He's working part-time figuring out how to be a good roommate to his buddies. He's looking at internships, he's paying attention and really connected to how what he does now is going to support him in the future. As I was re-listening to this episode to prepare, I realized something pretty amazing, those life skills that I'm gonna talk about in this show.
[00:01:22] The ones that we as parents get to make space for so that our kids can stretch and grow and develop into them. Those life skills are alive and well. And my kids right now, it's really amazing. It's not perfect, right? It is not perfect. But those two, they're out there and they're doing life really well.
[00:01:44] And here's another thing that really got to me as I was, you know, kind of thinking about and writing this intro that I'm sharing right now. Rowan was actually texting with my husband and I to make sure we could get together for dinner this week. Our kids wanna hang out with us. They're communicating with us, they're sharing their lives with us, and it is so, so special.
[00:02:06] Right? We are living the future. That three years ago was the goal. Right. So yeah, I really encourage you to listen to this show or re-listen if you heard it back in 2022. And remember that you are playing the long game here. It's about creating an environment that allows your kids to develop the life skills that they are going to need, right?
[00:02:31] Maybe, maybe you're listening and you have a middle schooler right now. If so, listen to this episode. Pick just one thing, an action, a routine or a mindset. That you can start practicing now, and if your kiddo is older and closer to launch, ask yourself, where can I tweak things so that they have more room to stretch and grow those life skills they're gonna need once they're out there on their own.
[00:02:59] And quick note, because this is a replay, you're gonna hear me mention things like next week's interview is with Brit Hawthorne. Well, that was episode three 40 and it was great, but it's not what's coming next week. Next week's interview is actually with Dr. Ann Louise Lockhart, and you're gonna need to listen because she's brilliant.
[00:03:18] She's truly. One of my favorite guests, you'll remember her from shows past. Also a little FYI. I am working on something really special for you that we're launching later this fall. I can't wait to share more with you. Just know you're on my mind and I'm looking for all different creative ways to connect with you and offer you.
[00:03:40] Tools and products and things that are going to be helpful to you, so stay tuned for that. All right. Other than that, I hope you have a great day. I hope you enjoy the show. Let me know if there's anything that you need, you know that I'm here for it.
[00:04:00] Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:04:25] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:04:48] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:05:08] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:05:18] Hey. Hi everybody. How's it going? How's it going in podcast land? Yay. I can't believe it is October. We've moved right into October and. Um, I don't know where you are listening from, but here in the Pacific Northwest it has been so gorgeous, so much sunshine and warm air. We're easing into the dark, wet season of the year seasons, and I'm here for it.
[00:05:51] I am happy to get some extra sunshine. It's pretty. Glorious. Um, yeah, and school is in full swing. I, things are pretty smooth over here in the o Rty household. My husband and I got to go on an overnight trip last weekend to see friends and music and had a scenic drive left the two kids at home and I'm just.
[00:06:18] Sitting with the fact that we've come to this like whole new era of parenting with my two kids. The older one has, like I think I mentioned a couple weeks ago, she's moved through the really peak hard time and is just kind of landed in a really awesome space. What she's doing, who she is, how she interacts with us is just.
[00:06:46] Gorgeous. Love it. And my son as a junior has seemed to really level up as well and is like transforming into a really responsible young man. I think I already mentioned he's taking a class at the community college. He's spending less time at the high school, but he's getting his work done. He's got a job playing a lot of basketball and really self-motivated.
[00:07:15] There he is, got a full social life. We hardly see him. Um, yeah, and it's crazy. He, you know, he's moved from those early teen years into now this latter. Time of the teen years and he knows more about his schedule and what he needs to do than I do, and he's telling me what's going on in his life, which you might be listening thinking like, yeah, that's appropriate.
[00:07:46] But remember that we spend a lot of time, you know, many years. Being the ones that know what's going on with our kids. We know their schedules, we know where they need to be, when they need to get there, what they need to bring. And I am just really recognizing that we've like that the role reversal is happening and he's really the one.
[00:08:12] You know, and so it's like you start off in the driver's seat and then they become teenagers and the goal is to move to the passenger seat, let them take the wheel. But now I kind of feel like I'm in the backseat. I'm in the backseat trying not to be a backseat driver, which is really hard for me. Right.
[00:08:32] And it's, you know, it's not linear. It's not like, oh, now. Everything is landed and we have no issues, right? Like there's still things where, you know, he might have, or they might have a couple good weeks of like taking care of their stuff and picking up after themselves, but then they drop the ball, you know?
[00:08:53] Then they drop the ball and things get cluttered and messy, and they're not putting their shoes where they're supposed to be, blah, blah, blah. And then you get to circle up and talk about it and shift it, or, you know, I'm thinking about the forms that have been sitting on the counter for probably the last two weeks that Ian needs to take to his school that are still on the counter and he keeps forgetting to take them.
[00:09:19] So, you know, they're still, he's still a kid, right? They're still young, but they're figuring it out and yeah. It's pretty cool to still have the adolescent brain. Still plenty of time for bad decision making, which does show up, but moving in the right direction. And the interesting thing for me about right now is, you know, I have two kids and the older one at this point, almost to the day.
[00:09:50] It was in 11th grade, just like her brother is now. And this is when she dropped out of school. Remember that? Remember that period of time? Oh my God. And I was freaking out. And it's crazy to put the two experiences that I'm having with my kids side by side. 'cause they're so different. Their personalities are different, their mindsets are different.
[00:10:15] Their goals and aspirations are different. Um. And it's just, it's wild, right? Like our kids are so different from each other, and I'm sure if you have more than one, you know what I'm talking about. Like, you just, you can't parent them the same, you can't have the same expectations. It's pretty wild. It's pretty wild.
[00:10:39] But you know, this show, this episode, the title of this episode. Is having the courage to let go. And you know, as I think about my two different experiences with parenting 16 year olds, you know, the courage to let go definitely is looking different for both of them. Like with Rowan, it was, she was my teacher around this, right?
[00:11:05] She really called me into my courage and I was resistant. I was like, what the heck is going on? You know, and then with Ian, it's still an invitation to let go. Like I am. I'm someone that likes to be in the know. I like to be in the know. I like to have a plan. I like for there to be structure. I like routines.
[00:11:29] I like having deadlines. I want everyone to be on. The same page. I want everyone to be on the same page in my family, and I want them to follow my plan because guess what? I have a great plan. My plans are good. So why wouldn't they, right? Why wouldn't they wanna be on my page? Not only the same page, but how about everybody be on my page?
[00:11:51] But. I know, just like my therapist tells me, um, we're all living equally valid, separate realities. And so while I may have a good plan, other members of my family may also have good plans, and the goal then becomes how to align ourselves in a way that is useful for everyone, not just me. Right. But you know, when we're talking about raising teenagers and having the courage to let go and offer space, it can feel like a free fall, right?
[00:12:32] This whole letting go and allowing space can feel like a free fall and. In particular right now for me, while things seem to be on the up and up, it is makes me crazy that there doesn't, he doesn't seem to have like a coherent system for keeping track of things well, quote, quote, coherent quote, coherent system, but I mean is a system that I would approve of.
[00:13:03] I mean, he might have a system, I just can't see it. I don't know what it is, and it makes me crazy. It's unclear to me like what his schedule is, and I feel like I'm finding things out as they're happening. And you know, honestly, I think a lot of my discomfort comes from feeling like I'm doing him a disservice, like I'm failing him by not being on top of everything and knowing what's going on, and really guiding him through everything.
[00:13:33] It feels like I'm doing him a disservice. You know, if I'm honest, I know exactly where that comes from. You know, there's definitely, we still get messaging from our parents, right. And I definitely feel this messaging that it's up to me to make sure he's organized, that it's up to me to make sure that all of his ducks are in a row to get him where he wants to go and to keep all the doors open.
[00:13:57] And it's just not true. It's not true. It's not all up to me. And even though there's this strong pull towards that, I have to share the responsibility. I have to. We have to. We get to why? Well, for me, in two years, this kid of mine, this younger kid of mine, is gonna be a way at school navigating all the things himself.
[00:14:28] And in two years, I'm gonna have access to even less of his life. He needs, our teens need the space and time to practice navigating the things right. They need the space and time to figure out systems they need to feel. The outcome of not having a system or maybe a flawed system when they can experience the outcome of, oh, I lost track of time, or I forgot about that assignment, then we get to say like, well, show me how you know what's coming up.
[00:15:04] Like how is that working for you? And you know, is there anything you could do that to tighten up that would help you avoid this? In the future, right? And it's not about coming in strong with an agenda and like, oh, I'm gonna help. I'm gonna make sure he sees that his system is flawed. It's really about curiosity and sitting with what's gonna be useful to him.
[00:15:29] Because while I have systems that work for me, I know lots of adults that have very different systems that work for them. So I can't assume that my system's gonna be the best for my son. And the more that he is in the development of something that works for him, the more likely it is that it'll work for him.
[00:15:48] Right? He needs the space and time to figure this out. When we think about, you know, a lot of parents hold that it's, you know, they just want to, for our kids that are college bound, it's like, okay, I'm gonna do everything I can to help him get to college. Right? I'm gonna make sure all the t's are crossed, all the i's are dotted, all the things are in by all the deadlines, right?
[00:16:13] But it's not just about getting them to college, it's also preparing them to be in college. Preparing them to be out in the world, preparing them to have their first job in their first apartment, whatever that looks like. What preparing them to navigate trade school or whatever, right. The life skills that they need are things like being organized.
[00:16:38] Roommate skills. Like for me lately, we talk a lot about roommate at my house and it's. You know, doing your part to keep the common area tidy, putting your shit away, you know, putting away your dishes and not just to the counter, but all the way into the dishwasher. And not only that, like does the dishwasher need to be turned on?
[00:17:00] Can you assess the situation and take it upon yourself to turn it on? Wow, there's a lot of stuff on the floor. How about you sweep it without me asking? How about you notice what needs to happen and be in contribution, right? Roommate skills, interpersonal relationship skills, right? How to solve problems, how to interact in a way that creates a win-win.
[00:17:22] How to collaborate. Time management. These are the things that they need when they go to college. So it's not enough just to make sure. That their grades look a certain way and that their essay gets turned in on time and do, do, do all the things right, all the technical things to get their application in front of the college so that the college says yes, but then they're there.
[00:17:49] Then they're there, and there's so many things to navigate. Once they leave us, and that's where I want my kids to thrive. That's where I want my kids to thrive. I want my kids to feel like they can leave home and they can make their way out in the world and they can handle it. They can handle the things right as well as perhaps the college classes that they're taking.
[00:18:11] I want them to be able to handle, you know, all the relationships that they're gonna need to navigate and their bills and you know, those kinds of things. So. To do that, they need space to practice
[00:18:35] and I'm feeling the letting go. Like I said, two years, less than two years, and Ian will be off to college and I am thinking, it's looking like my oldest is actually gonna be moving out here probably within the next six months, if not sooner. So the nest is emptying. And I mean, that's a whole nother episode, how I feel about that.
[00:18:58] 'cause part of me, you know, I mean it's good times like yes. Making their way out in the world. And then when I sit with it and I realize, oh my God, this whole like raising kids at home and kids at home and childhood. And my identity around that is coming to an end, you guys. I mean, I still have two years.
[00:19:21] Two years is nothing. And that feels really trippy. And I know I'm not alone. And some of you that are listening have already launched a couple kids or so, you know what I'm talking about. You know? And, and so already the letting go is in practice for me. Like I said, Ian's got. You know, both the kids have lives, you know, Rowan's working full time at a local spa, and while she's here at the house, she's in and out, she's taking road trips to go see her boyfriend or go out going out of town to see friends.
[00:19:56] She's got a life and it's no longer like, Hey mom, can I do this? It's more of like, Hey mom, I'm doing this 'cause she's 19, almost 20 years old, right? She no longer has to ask my permission, which is weird. Um, I would love it when she asks my opinion. But it's not a matter of asking permission anymore with Ian, there's still a little bit more permission asking, but there's also a lot of, Hey, this is what's going on.
[00:20:21] Like, he just left for school and said, I said, Hey, what's going on after school? He is like, I have to work, but I'll be stopping in. Will you have a sandwich ready for me? Uh, yeah. So again, it's keeping track, you know, trying to keep track of him and all the things. Without feeling that internal urgency of wanting to hang on and wanting to be in charge of his schedule and wanting to be in control, right?
[00:20:52] That's what makes this space so hard is that letting go of control, and maybe not for you, definitely for me, and I'm sure for many of you. And then there's that fear and worry, right? What if they don't do what they're supposed to do? What if they. Miss an assignment. What if they make a bad decision? You know, the what ifs are real, but there's some hidden messaging that happens when we hang on tight and we try to maintain control and we try to continue to be the guiding force of their schedule and their lives during these teen years.
[00:21:37] The message they receive unspoken, but clearly through our actions might include, I don't trust you and you shouldn't trust yourself. You aren't capable of doing this without me. You can't do it on your own. You're not resourceful enough. You need to depend on me. You're too lazy. Is that what we want them to hear?
[00:22:01] Is that what we want them to? Believe we think about them. I know that the answer is no, of course. Right? And whenever I do classes for parents, I always start with the same activity. And if you've done classes with me, you've seen it. We start with a list of challenges, current challenges, and a list of what are the life skills you hope that your kids, by the time their full baked adults have learned to embody.
[00:22:30] And some of those life skills include being responsible, being resilient, being creative, resourceful, being problem solvers, being critical thinkers, being able to trust themselves as well as a whole bunch of other things. That's what we want for our kids. That's what we want them to learn to develop.
[00:22:51] Right? And it gets developed over time through practice. But then some of the things that I hear from parents of teens are, you know, my kid isn't mature enough to rise to their potential. Their lack of maturity is getting in the way. They don't care without me pushing them. They don't care about their grades without me pushing them to do better.
[00:23:14] They won't follow through with what they need to do. They're lazy, and they just would be on their phone all day if I let them. They just wanna do the easy thing. Right. And if you are thinking to yourself, yeah, I am. That sounds like my kid. I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about that. I think that we're short-changing our teens when we live inside of those statements because we forget.
[00:23:43] That our kids are doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment that they do care and they want to live a good life. And they're navigating all sorts of things that we don't know about at school, with friends, with romantic partners out in the world, what they're observing in their own family dynamic, like they're making meaning and navigating all sorts of things.
[00:24:12] They pick up on our beliefs about them. So if you're convinced that your kid is just lazy and won't ever get up and do anything around the house, then they're gonna rise to that occasion and they're gonna be like, yep, watch me. Ultimately, our teens, they wanna feel seen and heard, and they wanna feel connected, and the only way they feel that way is when we're nurturing relationship with them.
[00:24:42] Even the ones that don't wanna get off the couch, presumably. And you know, I just wanna say hello to the listener who's sitting, listening to me right now and is thinking, well, you don't know. That's true. It's the truth about my kid. I wanna push back on you. I don't think it's true. I think that your child is deeply discouraged.
[00:25:06] And one of the quotes I love from Rudolph Dreger, who is an Adlerian person and somebody that we love in positive discipline, he says, uh, misbehaving child is a discouraged child, and when we feel deep discouragement, why bother? Right? And the discouragement can come from all sorts of places, including their perception of how we think about them.
[00:25:28] And so, how do we fix this? How do we shift this? How do we. Transform this into something that feels better for us and for our kids. What will help us while raising our teens, right? And moving them in the direction of living their best life, or maybe not even their best life, but moving in the direction of what they want.
[00:25:58] And one of my favorite tools, of course, you've heard me talk about it. I made guides for it. I love it. Family meetings, right? Call it what you want. Okay. You don't have to call it a family meeting. I've got a lot of families that are like, oh no, we can't do that. And I'm pushing back. Yes you can. It's called sitting at a table and having a conversation.
[00:26:18] You can do it. And they're everything. They're everything. They are so useful to feel cohesive and connected. We start a family meeting with gratitude and acknowledgements for each other. We get to plan something fun to do together as a family. It could be as simple as watching a movie or taking a, a walk or something more extravagant outside of the house.
[00:26:46] We get to solve problems. It's not the only place we solve problems, family meetings, but it's a place where we can solve problems where everybody gets to have a voice and contribute and collaborate. We can talk about the calendar. This is really key for me. I like to know where everybody's gonna be and you know.
[00:27:07] I mean, I've gotten better at it actually. I'm pretty surprised by myself not to be too freaked out when I dunno where the kids are. Um, but a calendar is great. I have everybody put their schedule on a main calendar if I'm not sure what's going on. I can look there, I can see it. Work schedules, if there's any big school events or games assignments.
[00:27:28] Well, we haven't really gotten there yet, but I would love, that's my fantasy. I'm sure my son will be like, yeah, no. Um, but appointments a central calendar for the family, so family meetings are. So amazing and useful, and if you're sitting down to eat together, then you can have a family meeting. And again, you don't have to call it that.
[00:27:52] It's a place to connect. Another thing that's helpful is creating the routine of regular planned check-ins. Right knowing once a week you're gonna drop in with your kiddo and ask them, Hey, what's going well right now? What are you loving about life? What's hard? And then what do you need? How can I better support you?
[00:28:17] Right? Just check in. It doesn't have to be like a huge ordeal, it's just a check, check-in. It gives you parent the opportunity to hear from the source, how's it going? What do you need? Right. And you might just get like, this is good. I'm fine. You're good. It's all good. Okay, great. I'm gonna keep asking every week just to check in and see how things are going.
[00:28:40] It's a routine. They expect it. And you know, you might just hit one of those days where they say, yeah, I'm struggling and here's how you can support me. Right. Regular planned check-ins.
[00:29:07] Also different. But similar one-on-one time. Special time. Special time with your teens, driving them to their sporting events. Watching bro and I are watching this wild show together right now and it's really fun and it doesn't have, we're not having like deep, meaningful conversations. We we're sitting next to each other on the couch and spending time together and that feels really dreamy.
[00:29:33] It's gold one-on-one time. However it looks, whatever it can look like, not a time for deep, meaningful conversation, just a time to enjoy each other, right? Another tool for helping us with the letting go is this requires a lot of courage, non-judgmental listening, when they are willing to open up and share with us what's happening in their life.
[00:30:01] You should be closing your mouth and listening, not persuading them, not trying to pull them over into your point of view, your opinion. No. This is about being curious, being loving, trusting, being with them, and letting them again feel seen. Feeling heard, feeling accepted, right? Nonjudgmental listening, and then being willing and able and vulnerable enough to express some emotional honesty with your kids, with your teens.
[00:30:39] Like pull back the curtain. Say what's not being said. Right? Be transparent. Be real with them. Teenagers have exceptional bullshit radars so they know when you're being real. They know when you're beating around the bush. Say what you need to say. That's what my son says to me, mom, just say what you need to say.
[00:31:02] Right? So it's not about desperation. It's not trying to get something. It's simply like, Hey, I need to share something with you that's going on for me because it's getting in the way of, of how I'm showing up for you. Maybe that's the language you use or maybe you say something different, but emotional honesty is a part of any powerful relationship.
[00:31:23] And the relationship you have with your teen should be a powerful relationship. It's the place where you hold influence. It's everything. It's the determinant of how willing they are to be with you as they move out and on. What kind of relationship do you have with them? Are you someone they're gonna wanna come to and spend time with or are they, can they not wait to escape?
[00:31:47] Right. You have influence over that and at the end of the day, this is your teenager's journey. You can work hard to try and manipulate or control it, but it's theirs. How you show up on their journey absolutely influences how they relate to you, what kind of relationship you have. Consider what you want, right?
[00:32:11] What do you wanna create? For me, the words that come to mind, and I'm guessing they're probably on your list, I wanna create love. I wanna create trust. I wanna create respect. I wanna create connection and to create those things. I get to then be those things. I get to be those things. I get to animate love and trust and respect and connection in my body.
[00:32:39] I get to bring it into my interactions with my kids. I get it to let those things be the lens that I'm seeing them through. Be those things. Let those things guide you in your parenting during this season of raising adolescents. Right? So good. So good for me too. I record these podcasts and I think, damn, I should do more of what I tell others to do.
[00:33:11] I'm with you. I am with you, moms and dads out there. I know it's hard and I have full faith in each and every one of us that if we are willing and interested, we can shift the way we're showing up for our teens and make a profound difference and how we're relating to each other and the dynamics of the household.
[00:33:33] I trust that a hundred percent. If you. Are with me. Gimme a high five. All right, high five. If you have questions, if you're, yeah, budding. If you're curious and want more information, ask away. You can always email me [email protected]. What I would love for you to do is if you saw this particular episode, promoted out on Instagram or Facebook.
[00:34:05] Then, uh, go back to the post and ask your question right there in social media so that others can benefit from. Your question and my response and any kind of back and forth that we have, that'd be great. Um, you can show up in the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group. How about that? That's a private group that is free, um, full of parents raising teens.
[00:34:32] There's a lot of places, right? I am honored to show up for you. I'm so honored to show up for you. Stay tuned. Monday, there's a brand new interview with Brit Hawthorne. She's amazing. And our interview's about raising anti-racist kids. She's super insightful and I know you'll take a lot away from that show.
[00:34:55] Um, yeah. I love you all. I so appreciate each and every one of you. Shout out to my current six week. Positive Discipline for Teens Class. Tonight's our third week, and I'm really enjoying that group of moms and dads. Make sure that you check out be sprout.com/teens to see what we've got going on. But, uh, yeah.
[00:35:19] Thanks for hanging out with me. I'll see you soon. Bye.
[00:35:27] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at. Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:35:55] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents. Of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.