Eps 614: Revisiting what it means to pass on the energetic responsibility to our teens

Today Joyful Courage it is about lightness and being brave enough to trust in the way life is unfolding for my kids – to trust that the unfolding offers them experiences that they have the skills to navigate. And when they don’t… they are resourceful enough to figure it out.

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hey everybody. I am so happy that you're listening in today and finding value in the show. I just wanted to pop in to let you know that we are going to be revisiting an episode about energetic responsibility, and honestly, I feel like the timing couldn't be better. Last Friday I sent out a newsletter about the energy we bring to our relationships, those unspoken messages humming underneath everything we say and do.
[00:00:28] My most recent episode last week explored how to make sure our teens actually believe us. When we tell them that you can come to me with anything, and here's what ties all of this together, our kids are reading us constantly, not just our words, not just our action, but the energy behind them. They're picking up on our worry, on our fear, on our need to control even when we think we're hiding it well.
[00:00:58] And here's the kicker. When we are holding the energetic responsibility for their lives, their grades, their choices, their futures, they can't fully step into their own. They haven't had to. We've been in their lane steering the car, carrying the weight of their decisions. So if we want them to turn towards us when things get hard, if we want them to take ownership of their lives.
[00:01:23] We have to get conscious about what we are bringing to the relationship, the language that we use, the energy that we carry, and what we're willing to let go of. So this episode that I'm bringing back digs into what energetic responsibility actually means, why letting go feels so terrifying, and how to hand it back without abandoning our kids in the process.
[00:01:47] Yep. It's messy, it's real, and it includes the story of me confronting my daughter about vaping and realizing I was fighting the wrong battle. So let's dive in.
[00:02:06] Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:02:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth. And man, the opportunities abound. Right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the. Adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:02:54] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media. Rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:03:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:03:24] Hi. Hi. How are you? It's mid-March. It's mid-March, and it's you and me on the pod. I am excited to hang out with you today and. Listen, today is a special day and I'll tell you why today is a special day because the content for today is coming straight from the community, straight from the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group.
[00:03:56] Are you in that group? A lot of listeners are in that group. It's a pretty big group. It's kind of wild, and some people come to that group. I don't even know what they're getting into. They just are randomly listening to Facebook suggestions and asking to join the group. Anyway, I think it's kind of fascinating, but this question, the content from today comes straight from a post from the group, from my friend Louisa.
[00:04:22] So I'm gonna dive right into it. Is that cool with you? mid-March. Diving right in. So Luisa wrote, Casey, can you please explain the concept of energetic responsibility? If you've been listening to the pod for a while, you've heard me use this phrase, I love this phrase. It makes sense to me. Luisa wrote, I've heard you use the term on the podcast.
[00:04:44] I interpreted it as me taking energetic responsibility for my son's decisions, actions, et cetera, when it causes anxiety and angst within me when he is not keeping up with his responsibilities. For example, not getting up on time to get to class. I found relief in the thought that I don't have to take that energetic responsibility.
[00:05:07] It was liberating. Yay. However, I did not apply it to the idea that he can learn energetic responsibility for himself, his choices and consequences, allowing him to be the driver of his experience of his life. So when I read that, what I hear Luisa talking about is okay. This whole idea of letting go of energetic responsibility feels freeing.
[00:05:32] However, like what about our kids? What about their learning and growth? So I responded, yeah, you got it. I'm not so worried about our kids. The idea is that when we hand back the energetic responsibility, our kids get to feel it, the weight of it as theirs. It's a different conversation. When we focus on what they need, and I will say that the tension of life is a powerful teacher.
[00:06:02] So that's how I responded to Louisa. And then another one of the amazing moms in that group, Sue said, okay, Casey, is there a particular episode of your podcast where you talk about how to hand back the energetic responsibility? If there is, that's the one I need to hear next. I feel like I can work on my end not to take energetic responsibility, but I'm not sure how to ensure that my son takes it and doesn't just let the responsibility float around in space after I let go of it.
[00:06:39] Well, and honestly, I guess I need help with the letting go part too. I love Sue and Luisa. They've been a part of the community for a long time. I love the candor and just the realness. Of these comments. Thank you both for showing up in the community and making it clear what type of content would be useful to create.
[00:07:00] Because this podcast really is like the goal is to create content that is useful for you. And so this request was perfect. And so what I'm going to do today on the show is I'm gonna talk a little bit about. Energetic responsibility. I'm gonna talk a little bit about Adlerian theory, which is what positive discipline is based on.
[00:07:26] And if you're new here, you should know that positive discipline is the foundation of what I'm all about. And we're just gonna, you know, talk about the messiness and with some real life stories and examples as I like to do. So that's, that's what's happening. That's where the content is gonna take us today.
[00:07:48] You into it? I hope so. So you may or may not know, and this is something that I love about positive discipline. It isn't just somebody saying like, here's how we should be. It's actually based in psychology. It's based on Alerian theory. And one of my favorite quotes from Adlerian theory is that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
[00:08:19] I love that. I love that. All problems. Ultimately, I'm adding the ultimately in are interpersonal relationship problems. I would say a subcategory of problems is self-regulation. Like we get into so much mischief simply in the fact that we get dysregulated and then we respond from that place and make things worse, but all problems.
[00:08:43] This is where we're gonna sit today. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. I love this reminder, and I think it's really useful to keep it in mind as we explore this question. Of energetic responsibility. Okay? We get into mischief, interpersonally when we don't stay in our lane. You know what I mean?
[00:09:11] Right. Staying in your lane. It's kind of a catchphrase. It's something people say like, stay in your lane. Leave me alone. Take care of your business. Take care of your side of the street, right? And I love the visual of that. We actually played with it in my membership course last night, staying in our lane, and what is our lane and what's our kids' lane, and where is their overlap and what exists in that space?
[00:09:39] Well, in Adlerian speak and Adlerian theory language, this is called the separation of tasks, the separation of tasks, interpersonal relationship issues. Often stem from interfering with other people's tasks or having your own tasks interfered with. Does that make sense? Tasks, things you need to get done for you.
[00:10:08] A great example of this, like the epic example that everybody can relate to with our adolescents is schoolwork and grades, right? Oh man. We want them to do well, we want them to put in effort. Right? Just a little bit of effort. What makes such a big difference? Listen, I live here. I, I get it. We want them to study.
[00:10:32] We want them to care about school. We want them to see the value. Well, ultimately, what's the value of school? The value of school, if we're being honest of high school, is the effort will keep doors open to what's next. I think the challenge, now I'm going on a tangent in my little soapbox. The challenge is that the institution of education is outdated and doesn't center students.
[00:10:59] And honestly, a lot of what they're learning doesn't matter when they say, I'm never gonna use this in real life. It's true. And we're left saying like, well. It's still important. You know, it's still important. You're learning how to turn things in and meet a deadline and get along with a teacher you don't love.
[00:11:19] Like, yeah, all of that is great. And we could do better with schooling, right? Even if we're holding school as listened, you gotta plow through and you know the best you can do equals how many opportunities you have on the other side. And even that feels kind of, I don't know. Weird because I think about my daughter, who you all know, dropped out in 11th grade.
[00:11:43] She got her GED, handled some mental health breakdowns and is a licensed esthetician. She is considering looking at going to a four year college. We went and met with an advisor at the local community college and she was talking to us about pre-reqs and what she needed and I said, you know, she got her GED so.
[00:12:08] Do you think there's probably gaps? Are there things she's gonna have to do extra? And I swear to God, that admissions counselor or that, I don't know if she was an admissions counselor, she was like, no, she's fine. And Rowan looked right at me and was like, told you, not a big deal. Although of course it felt like a huge deal as we were moving through it, but in the end, it is not actually a setback.
[00:12:32] The fact that she chose a different route. So. Side note on that, right?
[00:12:47] So again, when we think about what we want for our kids with school, we can ask this question of whose task is it or whose lane does responsibility fall into? Or this is an even more powerful question. Who ultimately is gonna receive the end result? Brought about by the choice and the action that is or isn't taken right?
[00:13:20] Is it my responsibility? Is it their responsibility? Ultimately, you get to ask yourself, I'm gonna say it again. Who is going to receive the end result? Brought about by the choice or the action? That is or isn't taken. I know Mindblower, I mean maybe not for you, but like this is how we distinguish. Is this my responsibility?
[00:13:47] Is it their responsibility? Your task, your responsibility is to believe in yourself and believe in others. That's it. That's your job. Moms and dads, the way the other person acts is their task. Is their responsibility. It's your teenager's task to decide how hard they wanna work at school. Your task is to decide whether or not you can love them and believe in them for the person they are right now today, not how you wish them to be.
[00:14:26] What? I'm gonna say that again, I'm gonna do a lot of repeating I think today. It is your teen's task to decide how hard they wanna work at school. It's your task to decide whether or not you can love them and believe in them for the person they are right now, not how you wish them to be. What school is your child's task?
[00:14:51] School lives in your child's lane. Their lane, their task, they will be the ones to receive the results of working hard at school. It has to be them to decide to do it and find the motivation to keep at it. And we know this right? We know this intimately, and school especially, is a slippery slope for us because it is so clear as the adults in the room with life experience.
[00:15:22] Our own regrets, right? It's so clear. We can see the benefits of showing up. Well, keeping the doors open versus the alternative. And as long as we try to control this task, as long as we're holding the energetic responsibility for our kids performing at school, the more worry and conflict there will be.
[00:15:50] We have to learn to hand it over and stay in our lane, stick with our own tasks. I believe in myself. I believe in you, right? I believe in myself. I believe in you. I believe in you. Even when you're flailing. I believe in you. I believe you're gonna learn from this. I see you, right? And now I'm thinking about Sue's question she wrote.
[00:16:16] I'm gonna repeat it. I'm not sure how to ensure that my son takes the energetic responsibility and doesn't just let it float around in space after I let go of it, right? This is where it gets really juicy. This is where it's so hard to let go you guys. Because we feel like, well, shit, if I'm not holding it, no one's gonna hold it.
[00:16:46] If I don't care, no one's gonna care. And if no one cares what's gonna happen, you know, fill in the worst case scenario, blank. And I wanna challenge that. Like it might look like your kids don't care about their future, but if you've been holding on and doing all the work and getting in the way. They haven't had to care, right?
[00:17:12] It hasn't been real. For them to connect the dots between how I'm showing up right now is gonna make an impact on what I get to do later. They don't have to think about that because they've got you. Making sure last minute they pull it off, making sure last minute you text the teacher, you, well hopefully you're not texting your kid's teacher.
[00:17:34] You email the teacher, you pull it off. You stay up all night with them studying, right? They know you. They know how you're gonna show up. So they haven't had to experience the energetic responsibility. And Sue, you're right. Like, okay, great. So I just let it go and let it float around. Yeah. I'm here to say, yeah, you do.
[00:18:02] You get to, your job is to let it go. Your job is also to be. Transparent and honest. Like, Hey, you know what? I've been holding onto this and I think if you've been around long enough, you've heard me tell this story about my daughter and vaping. So it's been a while, and she was messing around with vaping and we kept finding vapes and I was freaking out, right?
[00:18:29] I was like, oh my God, I gotta get her to stop doing this thing. Of course, all of us adults are like, oh shit. The kids and the vaping and the. It's everywhere, right? Yeah. Oh my God. Make it stop. And so the last time that I was really confrontational about it, I thought we were done. It had been a significant amount of time.
[00:18:54] I was like, we're in the clear. She gets it. And then I saw something. I was actually looking on my son's phone at his. Snapchat or something, and there was a video of him hanging out with her and her blowing vape at the camera. And I knew, I could tell time-wise because of the clothes they were wearing, I could just, I knew that it was recent and I, man, you guys, I stormed in there and I was like, gimme your babe.
[00:19:25] And she said, I don't have a vape. Like her poker face is pretty intense. And I said, I know you do hand it over. I don't have one. I know you do. Hand it over. And I stood there, all of my confident authority waiting. So she handed it over and I took it, and I knew better than to say anything because I was livid.
[00:19:46] I went into my room and I was shaking and I couldn't believe. Again, that we were confronted by this and I thought about all the things that my parents said to me about smokers. Smokers are gross. Smokers are losers. Like you can't have a life and be a smoker and you have no value. And guess what? When I was 19 and I was in full individuation, 'cause I feel like individuation hit me once I went off to college and had a little bit more space to explore who I was.
[00:20:17] Once I hit that, I was like spoke. And guess what? It's uh, what? 30 years later and I'm still in a struggle. With nicotine, I don't smoke. I don't smoke every day, but now, and then it pops up and man, it can just grab me and it's so annoying. And I thought about that and I realized I never blame my parents for my relationship with nicotine.
[00:20:46] Because it wasn't their responsibility, it was mine. I blew it. And so I went into Rowan's room and I said, oh my gosh. I have been holding the energetic responsibility for making sure. That you don't have an addiction to nicotine, and I just realized that that's not my responsibility. That's your responsibility.
[00:21:11] You are the one that decides whether or not you're gonna have this lifelong struggle with nicotine. Not me. I'm gonna be doing my do. You're gonna be living your life. And so I'm gonna hand that over. And that's what I said to her. I said, I'm handing it over. I even kind of gestured with my hands like, I'm giving you this responsibility because it's not mine.
[00:21:32] I said, I'm gonna interrupt, intervene, interfere when I know it's happening, or I know that you have something, I'm gonna come in here and say, hand it over. But I'm no longer gonna be attached. In theory, I'm no longer gonna be attached. That's my work. I'm gonna detach from your behavior because it's yours.
[00:21:52] It's not mine. It's not what I want for you, but ultimately it's yours to decide. And so when I think about Sue's question about letting it go and responsibilities just floating around, yeah. This is where things get really juicy. We want to ensure that our kids take action. When I said to Rowan, I'm handing over the energetic responsibility, it's up to you.
[00:22:19] You're the one that decides. If this is a part of your life, did I hope that that was gonna result with her being like, oh, thanks mom. You're right. I don't wanna be addicted to nicotine, so I'm not gonna do this anymore. Of course, I wanted that result, but even maybe not even more. That's not really the point.
[00:22:41] The point is she's not going to experience that responsibility. And consider it as hers. If I continue to hold onto it and be in a battle with her about it, she's not connecting dots around my choices influence my life. She's thinking, oh my God, my mom is so lame. She's so psychotic. She's such a freak show.
[00:23:06] Right? She's able to kind of bypass the responsibility because I'm holding it, I'm taking it, I'm railing on it, and she, all she has to do is be like, Ugh. My mom's so crazy and guess what? I can get another vape. It's not a big deal. Right? So yeah, ensuring our kids take action. How do we make sure that they do something with that responsibility?
[00:23:31] How do we make sure that's what we all wanna know.
[00:23:43] Listen, I feel this with every cell in my body. Tell me they're gonna do the right thing. If I do the thing, give me a guarantee. Give me the formula. Tell me what to say. Tell me what to do to ensure that X, y, Z happens. And I can't. I'm so sorry. I wish I could. I mean, I'd be a freaking millionaire if I could tell you how to do that.
[00:24:09] The responsibility may float around for a bit. There might be some flail time. There might be some. A period of time where actions aren't taken, our kids may have to experience some discomfort. They might even fail or flail about. They might need to do summer school. They might need to, you know, get extra help.
[00:24:35] They might need to go to a therapist. They might need somebody else on the team to help them. Whatever that looks like. And it's not, as we, you know, giving up energetic responsibility isn't about, you know, get in a chair sitting on the sidelines and watching them drown. Right. It's not like hands in the air, and I've said this before, saying it again 'cause I think it's powerful to hear the same thing from different angles multiple times.
[00:25:03] Peeling the onion right. It is offering up support and notices. It is staying connected. It is maintaining relationship so as to be able to have conversations that guide them in connecting the dots, in recognizing the responsibility is theres for them to take. Right, and listen, I get it. Exasperation, criticism, judgment, if that's in the room.
[00:25:35] Then the conversations we're having with our kids, they're not gonna be able to connect those dots. We've got to do our work to detach, to really leave that stuff at the door and to step into, Hey, I have faith in this kid I trust. The tension of life. I know that they're capable. I know that things are temporary, and right now it's a little wild.
[00:25:58] It's a little crazy, but I'm not gonna sit inside of, it's always gonna be like this and there's nothing I can do about it. Right? Here's what you can do about it. Here's how to support without taking over the task and without getting in their lane. Curiosity. Relationship agreements, routines, noticing, encouragement, all those positive discipline tools that I talk about here on the show.
[00:26:27] That's the secret sauce. That's the magic formula, as well as letting go of timelines, right? Being open, loving them for exactly who they are right now, accepting them for who they are right now. What do you think about that? I know a lot of you are sitting there. Okay. This is really great. I get it in my head, but I'm also wondering, what about if my kid never picks up the responsibility?
[00:27:00] What if they never do it? What if they never move out? And we probably know a few people who have family members that have never moved out. Okay. We don't know all the intricacies of that situation. Most kids wanna move out, and if they don't wanna move out, there's something bigger going on than just the energetic responsibility, right?
[00:27:22] That's when how we support looks like. Let's get you some help. Life shouldn't be this hard. It's appropriate for you to move out. We love you. We love you, and we're here for you. We're not gonna kick you out on the streets and you need to go, so let's figure out what's getting in your way because life is meant to be lived.
[00:27:44] Right. So what if they don't? Well tell you what, as long as you are holding tight to that energetic responsibility, they're not connecting the dots. They're not able to recognize that it is their action and or inaction that's creating the results in their lives. We can support them in letting go of it.
[00:28:11] Yes, but we can't. Command or demand that they hang on. That they find it, that they hold it and it's so annoying. I know. I wish that us letting go meant them being like, oh, great, I'll take the reins now. But no, like I'm having a visual as I talk about this of, you know them in the driver's seat and we're in the passenger seat and we're reaching over and steering the car and they're just kind of kicking back.
[00:28:40] And then we are realizing, oh shoot, you don't know how to drive this car because I've never let go of the wheel, so I'm gonna let go of the wheel. Now if you're like, I'm letting go of the, you know, just do it out of nowhere, there's gonna be some, like, what? What's happening right now? I don't know how to do this.
[00:28:56] I haven't learned. So there is absolutely space to own it and say, you know what, babe? I am realizing. That I've been holding the energetic responsibility or you know, use whatever language you want. I just really like that I've been driving your car. I've been really controlling. I haven't given you space to kind of stretch into this, you know, older teen, young adult.
[00:29:29] Middle school, like whatever is appropriate for you. And granted, if your kid's 13, this is gonna look different than if they're 16, than if they're 19, than if they're 25. But I realize I've been holding this responsibility and it's yours. I'm so sorry. I've been robbing you of the experience of feeling it and holding it and learning how to be with it, right?
[00:29:53] So I'm gonna let go. I'm gonna let go, and it might feel. A little jarring. It might feel a little crazy. I'm not going anywhere, but I'm really gonna let you hold it. So we get to ask questions. We get to have vulnerable conversations with our teens. We get to sit with their discomfort, right? Because sometimes we might hear why can't do it?
[00:30:18] You have to do it. You have to hold it. I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy enough. I don't know enough. I can't. I can't. It's too hard, right? We get to sit with their discomfort and see them in it and attune to their internal experience. Our internal experience gets to attune and be with their internal experience, and we get to let them know that we believe in them.
[00:30:45] We can't make them take the energetic responsibility from us, but that's not what's required for us to release it because holding onto it is not serving them either. We have to be get better at being with our kids as they are, and I'm telling you this, I'm also. Like receiving this as well as I hear myself say it, we have to get better at meeting them where they're at and just sitting with them there, not moving right into, here's how we fix it, here's how we problem solve.
[00:31:22] But instead sending the message of, I see you and this is hard and I have faith in you and I'm here for you. And you know, that doesn't mean there isn't a place for problem solving. But starting to notice where our kids are actually asking for us to just be with them. Can you do it? Yeah. So yeah, I mean, energetic responsibility is something that I love talking about.
[00:31:50] I love the chance to dig deeper and for me, like hopefully this was your experience, to get even more clear about what I even mean when I say it. And I just love being in the consideration of all of it, the curiosity you've heard me say, fiercely committed, lovingly detached. You know, I love that one too.
[00:32:10] I am not abandoning my kid. You are not abandoning your kid. We're showing up and we're allowing life to unfold and trust them, trust their experience, and send the message of faith every chance you get. Be available and show up in a way that allows them to come to you and say, wow, this is hard and I need your help.
[00:32:40] That's good. What are your thoughts? What are you taking away from this? What are you left wondering? What are you curious about? How can we go deeper and peel even more layers back? 'cause you know that I'm here for it. So. After you listen to this show, show up on my social media or in the Facebook group, send me an email.
[00:33:03] What are your continued wonderings? Let me know and I'll turn it into a podcast. I love you. I'm so glad that you're here to explore with me. Thank you.
[00:33:19] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good as I mentioned. Sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:33:46] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.