Eps 585: Revisiting the power of perception

Today. Joyful Courage is a deep breath to find some stillness in my body. It’s choosing to slow things down so as to show up as my best.

Transcription

[00:00:00] Hey friends. I am so glad that you're tuning in. You are in for a treat. I am bringing back a super popular show from the fall of 2023. I dig deep into perception, which is something that continues to show up a lot for me and for my clients in all of our relationships, not just parenting. So, yeah, I'm bringing the show back for you to enjoy.
[00:00:24] On a personal note, all is going well over here. Many of you know that my family is back in the cancer journey with my sweet husband. He has multiple myeloma. And all the indicators are showing that the treatment and the medicine he's receiving are working. Yay. Thank you for your continued love prayers and support, which includes understanding when new content creation gets squeezed out of my weekly work routine.
[00:00:51] Listen in to this replay. Listen with new ears. And a willingness to let the information land in a deeper way. I so appreciate you.
[00:01:07] Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:01:32] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth. And man, the opportunities abound. Right. My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the. Adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:01:55] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media. Rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:02:15] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:02:24] Hey everybody. Hi. Come back to the pod. I have a lot going on on my computer right now. That's where I wanna be. All right. Hi, welcome back to a solo show. It's just you and me today. Thursday, I wanna talk about the power of perspective, the power of perception. Here today on the podcast, it is a big pillar of positive discipline.
[00:02:54] We talk about it a lot in parenting classes. It is a piece of the mistaken goal, belief behind behavior conversation. When we talk about going under the surface of the iceberg, this is a place where we're exploring the power. Of perception, right? This is where all that stuff begins to form, is in perception, how we see the world.
[00:03:26] Each and every one of us sees the world through our own lens, and our lens has been developed over time. Through the experiences and the relationships that we've had. Yes and fine tuned by the meaning we have given those experiences and relationships, right? And it's the meaning making that then forms our beliefs over time.
[00:03:55] And our beliefs influence the actions and decisions that we make, right? It's both simple and profound. Incredibly useful when considering our teens and the behaviors that we are trying to make sense of. Remember. Our kids, they've been students of us since the first day of their life, right? They have learned how we respond, what they can expect, how to get their needs met through this experience of thousands of small interactions that we've had with them, right?
[00:04:31] So they know us. They've watched, they've made meaning, they've formed beliefs, and they've acted on their beliefs. To move through life. That's how they've survived. Right. And I find it so interesting when parents come to me and say that their kids are manipulative or just trying to get what they want.
[00:04:54] Aren't we all, don't, we all kind of assess the situation, try to figure out a way to move through it to get the outcome that we like. We want with the least amount of effort, right? This isn't a character flaw, this is logic. This is the way humans move through the world, right? Getting stuck in the idea that your kids are just playing you is not a useful place to be, and I get it.
[00:05:20] I understand why parents come to me and feel like this, but let's kind of expand and get a better breakdown of what's happening, right? So we've got perception, interpretation, belief, and decision making. This is this ongoing cycle that's happening all the time. It's even happened for you since you started listening to this episode.
[00:05:46] I'm gonna use an example that we share in the positive discipline classes. We're gonna go back in time. All right? We're gonna go back in time. And this will really land for those of you who have more than one child, or maybe those of you that are older siblings in your own family of origin. So imagine being two, right?
[00:06:10] You have two parents that dote on you and celebrate your every milestone. Your needs are met and even anticipated. You get to go to the library, to the park, to the zoo, taken all over town. Loved, cared for. You Feel really secure in this little family unit, right? Life is good. Your parents decide that now is a great time to have another child.
[00:06:38] You are told that a baby's coming. You're gonna be such a great big sibling. You are read books about new babies and growing families. There's lots of conversation and the adults are really excited, which is exciting and fun for you. You don't really get it, but you're feeling this energy from your parents, so yay.
[00:07:01] Right? And then the new baby arrives, right? The new baby arrives and the house is suddenly full of people. And who are they here to see? Here to see the new baby. Who do they bring presents for The new baby, right? PSA always brings something for the siblings. Forget about the baby. The baby doesn't need anything.
[00:07:21] Just bring like, do every family a solid and give something to the older child anyway. Who do they bring presents for the baby. You small child, your routine is off. Your parents are tired and maybe a little short tempered. Anytime the baby cries, everybody drops everything to take care of it. If they're hungry, they get fed.
[00:07:42] Even if your parent is in the middle of playing with you, if they're wet, they get changed. Even if it means putting down the book, your parent was reading to you. If they're sleeping, everybody has to be quiet. Don't wake the baby. Right. So let's go through the power of perception cycle for this 2-year-old.
[00:08:02] What are they seeing, right? They're seeing everybody get up and taking care of the baby. How might they interpret what they're seeing at two years old? The baby is really important, right? What beliefs, or maybe even I'm not as important as the baby. What beliefs might start to develop? To belong in this family, you must be the baby, right?
[00:08:27] What decisions might a small child make? So one, they could act like a baby, right? Which we see a lot, right? Regress wine tantrum become really needy and clingy. Or this older child might be a super helper and get up all in the business of tending to the baby. Or get rid of the baby, right? Get rid of the baby.
[00:08:52] These decisions make sense when laid out this way. And I know that we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have, and those early days of young children are very real. But when the big one is unkind to the little one, do we respond with love and connection? I didn't. I didn't. In our family, Rowan just wanted to be close to me when Ian came.
[00:09:18] She started off as a super helper. She was right there by my side, but it was too much. It was too much. I felt claustrophobic. I pushed her away. I just wanted to tend to my little baby boy by myself. I didn't know what I didn't know. I just knew that this mama bear instinct kicked in for this tiny new human, and I wanted my big clumsy, nearly 3-year-old to just play by herself.
[00:09:46] And even as I say that, it hurts my heart. It hurts my heart big time.
[00:09:58] This evolved into her moving from like this super helper because it wasn't a useful path to belonging over time. So she tried something else. She moved from super helper to that choice of getting rid of the baby. This was right around the time that I found positive discipline. They were one in four and there was this dynamic where she just wasn't kind.
[00:10:22] I. Ian and then I'd get mad at her for being mean to Ian and then she'd be mean to Ian and her belief went from, to belong in this family, you have to be the baby to, I don't feel like I belong, so I'll hurt others as I feel hurt. Right? I fed right into it as her parent, I fed right into it. I didn't realize.
[00:10:44] That we had moved into a revenge cycle, they call it in the belief behind behavior mistaken goal conversation. Ugh. And looking back, of course, her behavior makes sense. Our kids make decisions based on their beliefs about belonging and significance, about mattering. Connection and autonomy they do, and those beliefs are formed over time through their interpretation of experiences and relationship through how they perceive and interpret those experiences.
[00:11:22] It starts at the beginning and it continues through our lifetime. This isn't just our kids, right? Fast forward. To now, and some of the things that I'm noticing in my community of parents, right? Some things that I'm noticing in my community of parents, and it has to do with motivation, right? Like I.
[00:11:43] Motivation. We all want our teens to be motivated, right? We want them to want to try. We want them to persevere when things are hard, we want them to care right about themselves and the opportunities that come with achievement. Right? I notice how hard it is specifically for high achieving parents to be with their tweens and teens who seem to be lagging in their motivation to do well specifically in school.
[00:12:22] And I get it. I get it. I'm with you. I understand this. This frustration. I have so much faith in my kid. He is so smart and capable and he puts, from my perspective, very minimal effort into school. I know that it wouldn't take very much for him to be a straight A student, but he hasn't ever had the desire to do that, to want that, and it's annoying to me.
[00:12:52] It's annoying to me. I also have no doubt that once he is in an environment that is inspiring, that matters to him, where mastering the content truly matters for his life, he will rise to the occasion. And this was totally my story. I was a highly capable, mediocre student who did the bare minimum. In my experience, I had to maintain a 3.0 to be allowed to drive my car, and so guess what?
[00:13:24] I got a 3.0. I got a 3.0 through high school, and then I got to college and was highly distracted by the social scene. Didn't really know what my major was, didn't have a clear vision for what I wanted, and I pulled off. Undergrad, right, with a 2.1. I pulled it off. I graduated with a 2.1, and then after a few years of traveling and bartending, I decided, you know what?
[00:13:56] I wanna be a teacher. I wanna be a teacher. And when I went to UDub and. Acquired about applying for their education program. They were like, yeah, no, you're missing some classes, and this GPA is not good enough. And so I went to community college for a year, and I found at the age of, how old was I? Maybe 23, having a vision of what I wanted, having purpose, I showed up to school every day.
[00:14:26] I sat in the front. I did my homework. I found, wow, it's actually really easy to pull off a 4.0. I ended up weaseling my way into that UDub Teacher certification program and again found, wow, this matters to me. This is interesting to me. I'm gonna be in a classroom with students so I better understand and take in all of this content.
[00:14:51] Again, got like a three eight in that program. Ended up going to graduate school to study more education. Again, showed up, did the work, cared about the work I was turning in, cared about the opinions of my professors, looked up to them, admired them, wanted to be mentored by them. Pulled off like a three nine in graduate school.
[00:15:12] It became something that mattered to me and I rose to the occasion, and I know that the same is true for my son. I know that this is true for Ian and I mostly I. Stay off his back. Like if he was listening to this right now, he'd be like, uh, don't try to act like you're not on my case. I mean, of course I stay engaged and I ask questions and I really, what's most important to me is to make sure that the message of knowing that he's capable gets through.
[00:15:44] And I wanna encourage. Him to form those kinds of beliefs about himself, about being capable and also like just really being accepted and loved for exactly how he's showing up right now. Right. So the dynamic that I see happening with some families that I work with is there, kids are having their school experiences right.
[00:16:11] And their parents have responded over time, however they've responded to the performance of their kid in school, right? Over time, messages are spoken and unspoken about education and the whole idea of doing your best and putting in, you know, as long as you put in your best effort, right? Whatever that means, do your best, do your best.
[00:16:35] I don't care about your grades, just do your best. Unspoken is if you do your best, you'll get straight. A's kids start to interpret these messages, right? So they're perceiving and taking in what their parents are saying or doing, or energetically offering up to them, and then they interpret the messages and understanding or misunderstanding that their worth and value is tied up to their performance.
[00:17:04] I. Right, and then the beliefs begin to develop to matter. In this family, you have to do well in school. You have to achieve, you have to be number one right
[00:17:21] from there, right From that belief, you only matter if you're. Doing well in school. From that belief, they start to make some decisions. And some kids, the decision is like, okay, well then I'm gonna be an overachiever, right? I'm gonna go hardcore. For other kids, it's more of a dig their feet in and respond with a, oh, that's how I have value.
[00:17:49] Well, I'll show you. Right? And they don't, you know, and then it's the opposite. On some level, there's an anger around this message that your worth is tied up in your performance, right? Or there's a belief that they can't possibly live up to how this expectation or this standard, so best not try and further disappoint their parents or themselves, right?
[00:18:14] Because if they don't try, then you know, they can't, they won't be disappointed and listen. No shade on any of you. This is about broadening our understanding of what might be happening with our kids, but this is real perception, interpretation, belief, decision making. This cycle is real. I. And the longer we stay kind of at the surface and plucking away at, you know, we're gonna get you a tutor and we're gonna do this, and we're gonna do that, and why can't you just, we're missing the juice, right?
[00:18:53] We're missing the juice. And the people that do the best in the world are ones that know their worth and that know that, that they are valuable humans separate from everything else. And then there's this, when our kids become overachievers, right? Yeah. We might worry that they're overly stressed, but overall there is a sense of, well, at least they're kicking ass at school, right?
[00:19:19] On the other side, when it feels like a lack of effort, all we've got is frustration and further disconnection. Does that make sense? And so the place to dig in is this perception cycle. What have the messages been that your teen has received over time around their worth and their value? How may they have interpreted your messaging?
[00:19:44] What might be the beliefs they're holding around? What is valued most in your home, and how do their decisions make sense? We did a whole activity last night in my membership program around fiercely committed, lovingly detached, and if you've been listening for a while, you know, this is one of my favorite mantras.
[00:20:05] I did not invent it, but I love it. I can be fiercely committed to making sure that my kids have the resources they need for a quality education, right? I can be fiercely committed to making sure they have everything they need. The lovingly detached part comes with how they show up to their educational journey, right?
[00:20:29] It's theirs. It's theirs. And you know my story, you know that my older one definitely walked a different path, and that was very hard for me, especially because in my family of origin worth and value were tagged on to how you performed in school, where you went to college, what your job is. So I had to really bump up against that conditioning when my daughter said I'm dropping out of high school.
[00:20:55] That was really an interesting time. Lovingly detached means I trust that my kids' journey is their journey and that they're going to, they're capable and that they're gonna, you know, they're gonna manage, they're gonna figure it out. Right? Especially if I can get out of the way, especially if I can dismantle this dynamic.
[00:21:17] Around performance, right? I want my kids to show up to learning because they wanna learn 'cause it's important to them because they're inspired, right? Adolescence is a time of individuation, of trying things on, of pushing against the status quo, of pushing against those messages that they've interpreted over time.
[00:21:41] When our kids believe that they can't meet your standards, they will look for ways to create their own. And when they feel accepted for who they are on this leg of their journey, they are more likely to make decisions that are for them instead of against you. Does that make sense? I'm gonna say that again.
[00:22:02] When our teens feel accepted and valued for who they are on this leg of their journey, they're more likely to make decisions that are for them instead of against you, right? When we can remember. That this period of time is temporary, that they're learning so much through trial and error and figuring out who they are and what they want.
[00:22:31] When we can get out of the way and walk beside them with curiosity and compassion, we're setting up the possibility that our teens begin to believe that they are valued and enough just as they are, and the world opens up to them, the world opens up to them. This doesn't mean that all of a sudden, you know, they're striving for as, this means that they know that they're capable.
[00:22:58] Right. And when they're inspired and ready, they're gonna, you know, create the life that they want. They're gonna be the designers of their life. They already are. Right. But again, we want them to be in the design of their life for them not designing something that is in reaction. To the messages that they're receiving from you.
[00:23:18] Does that make sense? What do you think is this useful? The power of perception? I feel like, you know, on these Thursday shows, I feel like I'm just like peeling back layers only to find more layers, right? Only to find more layers and more language around the idea of what our teens need. I mean, acceptance, acceptance, acceptance that comes up every week.
[00:23:45] Understanding, which is not the same as like, I understand what you're going through as much as it is. I understand. I see you having a hard time. I validate that you're moving through something that's big for you. Right? Not to worry. I'll be back next Thursday for more layers. Right? More layers. And if there's something in particular that you want me.
[00:24:08] To talk about on these Thursday shows. I would love to hear from you. You can shoot me an email at [email protected]. I take a look in all of our community spaces and am inspired by the conversations there and with my clients, but I would love direct emails too. Let me know what it is that you need.
[00:24:31] All right? So until then, love you. Have a great week.
[00:24:40] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my  Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alanna. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at PodShaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good as I mentioned. Sharing is caring.
[00:24:57] If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected at be sproutable.com.
[00:25:17] I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.