Eps 446: Bringing boundaries and expectations to life while parenting teens

Episode 446

Join me this week in an exploration of how we have been holding boundaries and expectations and how we can get ever more explicit while communicating the boundaries and expectations with our kids. It’s good. And messy. It’s all the things and I invite you to jump into the arena with me!

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Takeaways from the show

  • The challenges of setting boundaries with teenagers, who are in full brain development and seeking autonomy
  • The “circle of containment”
  • Personal share of missing the mark with boudnaries and expectation
  • A visual exploration of boundaries
  • Acknowledging the desire for rules that teens will follow perfectly, but focusing instead on teaching healthy conflict resolution skills
  • Setting boundaries for kids’ safety, respect, and exploration.
  • Prioritize emotional honesty and non-judgmental responses when teens step over boundaries
  • How to have emotionally honest conversations with teens about boundaries, focusing on understanding their experience and exploring the underlying problems rather than punishing undesired behavior.
  • A discussion about normalizing contributing to the household and building trust through small, everyday tasks, rather than relying on coercion or punishment
  • The power of offering choices and involve teens in decision-making to foster a sense of shared power and responsibility.
  • How to respond when teens don’t follow through on tasks

Joyful Courage continues to be all about the trust these days… Trusting in the power of relationship and in my personal practices to guide me through what shows up.

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Casey O'Roarty 00:05
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead. It's browseable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show, and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:31
Pay every everybody. So glad to be here. Hi. Welcome back to this December, year end inventory of how things have been going and how you want them to go as you move into 2024. And if you're listening to this, and it isn't the end of the year, no worries, it's never a bad time to take stock in where you're at. That's what we're doing here. That is what we're doing here through December on the solo shows. Did you listen to the interview I did with Julieta Skoog. That came out on Monday. Ah, was so good. I just love her so much. I think you can tell when we're in conversation. She's such a good friend. And so smart, such a trusted colleague. It's profitable. I'm a huge fan. And it's so fun when we get to connect here on the podcast. So you're welcome for that amazing conversation about firmness. That's what we dug into. On Monday, I feel like she is such a great model for me around what firmness looks like and what kindness and firmness looks like she really is someone who I think embodies and I've seen her in action with her kids embodies that tenant of positive discipline, right. And, as I mentioned on the show, in the interview with her lots of parents who I work with struggle with what firmness looks like, when we're working in practising positive discipline with our teens, right? It kind of becomes elusive. And at the same time, when we have teenagers, as you know, we start to realise like, oh God that we don't have the kind of control that we thought going into adolescence that we had, that it's not a real thing. As far as control goes. And, you know, on one hand, we can get, you know, really punitive and manipulative in our quest to control or we can. And what we do here in this space is work on building influence through relationship. And man, it can feel wobbly, on the best days, right? And other days, it can feel like a freefall, right. And what we're going to talk about today here, kind of using that interview with tools as a springboard is we're gonna talk about boundaries, right? We're gonna have a boundaries, conversation, and that, even as I say it out loud, that feels messy, too. That feels messy, too. And when I hear questions from parents or see questions from parents around boundaries, and expectations and limits, really what they want to know is how the hell do we create rules that our kids will follow? And what should we do to them when they don't? So that they will start following the rules? Like ultimately, how do we contain these growing young people who are now in full brain development, autonomy seeking individuating novelty, you know, seeking how do we be with this and still feel this sense of okayness like a sense of control, like everything's okay. Right. And I get it. I wish I had a super neat and tidy answer for you. I do not. I don't I want that answer to listen All right, I'm with you. I want to know, too. How do we get them to do the things that we want them to do? How do we get them? As you've heard me say before, to not do the other things that we don't want them to do? And yeah, so today, we're going to explore boundaries in the context of fostering independence, we're going to explore the purpose of boundaries, expectations, and we're just gonna see where it takes us. Is that cool with you? We're just gonna have a conversation about it, even though it's not really a conversation because I am talking to myself. No, I know that I'm talking to you. Okay, I know I'm talking to you. I know that I'm in your ear. And funny enough, I feel like I hear your questions. I hear your, you know, moments of Ooh, that was good. I hear you like, wait, what you are, on my mind as I put these shows together. So yeah, we are having a conversation. And at the start of this conversation, what I want you to do first is check in with yourself, what has been your experience with boundaries this past year? What's this past year looked like? And what kind of explicit communication have you engaged in around boundaries? And expectations and limits? Have you engaged in explicit expectations? Have you had proactive conversations? Have you been more in the like, after the fact reactive mode? What's it look like? Has it been kind of murky, right? Or maybe there's been some neglect around these conversations. And now you're realising, oh, gosh, I gotta rein some stuff in, like the gaps are exposed, and I gotta rein it in. Right? Think about that. Where are you at? Get a piece of paper, write it down, or pause this podcast and turn on your voice memo on your phone and speak your experience, right? But where however, it looks good, get it out, get it down, and then come back. Right, and then come back to the podcast. Okay, so the next step is really thinking about what do you want it to look like? Right? Where do you want to point your compass? When it comes to boundaries and expectations? What are the things you need to make clear with your teens? What are the real and honest conversations that need to be had, right? And this is where we're heading. Today, we're heading into this exploration of boundaries. But I wanted to just start us off there kind of like, so that you are setting yourself up to be a listener and to listen for things that are useful to you in this conversation, right? Take these questions, really consider them for yourself, take time to explore what comes up for you when you hear them. This is really an invitation to reflect on your experience, and where things have been for you in your teen or teens. And, you know, it's really hard to take step forward, take steps forward into something different. You don't spend time looking back and taking inventory. So that's what this is all about. We're taking some inventory, and we're kind of peeling back the layers and exploring new, maybe some new ideas, new mindsets around boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, expectations, limits, I kind of feel like they're similar. Let's get clear, right, let's get clear. Boundaries are about safety, like Julieta mentions on Mondays show. She says firmness is about safety. And that's how I hold the purpose of boundaries boundaries contain this energetic space of health and well being. Right. And it's important to us, for us to set boundaries around how we want to be treated, what will tolerate our expectations for relationship. This is healthy and really important. Modelling boundaries are also like there's some relationship between our declared expectations with our family about how we as a group are going to communicate with each other how we're going to solve problems, how we're going to make things right when repair is needed. There is also a piece around values and normalising our family culture, right? Expectations, what we expect lives inside of this energetic container that we're holding energetic container space that we're holding with our boundaries. Okay,

Casey O'Roarty 09:42
are you following me here? So what I mean by boundaries containing the energetic space, right of health and well being, what I mean by that is like like this, I'm going to try to explain it by creating a visual So imagine there's like a circle, right and your family lives inside of the circle, the edge of this space of the circle is the boundary is about like a literal boundary, right? Our family lives inside of this circle, but it's inside of also another larger circle, which is the world, right? We are contained inside of our family circle. But our family circle is also part of the world, right? And that's important to remember, you know, unless you live off grid and don't mingle your family lives in the world. Right. So inside your circle, are the values and expectations and systems and processes, either explicit or implicit, that are a part of your family, right, that are like part of the flavour of who your family is, right? What else is inside of there, how we treat people and each other. Like I said, already, the systems that we use for problem solving and making plans communication, if family meetings are a routine you use as part of what lives inside of your circle, in our family, we talk about stuff. It is normalised and expected for the kids to share what they've got going on, to be willing to check in on things like screen time and school progress. And by the way, just because these are normalised doesn't mean, these conversations don't get Desi, because they do, but what is like, part of who we are, is we are people who share with each other, right? That's just been nurtured over the years as just how we be right. There are things inside of this circle, that are explicitly stated. Right? And there's lots of things that aren't, you know, there's the things you talk about, like, Hey, here's your curfew, if that's something you do, or here's the number of, you know, here's the screentime hours, or here's, you know, what we do after dinner with dinner dishes, right? We are explicit about our expectations. And then there's things that we're not explicit about, right. And that's kind of where we get into trouble. And when we have opportunities to find out where we need to tighten things up. So I have an example of this, in my mind, right? There's a lot of things that go on in my mind. And in my mind, Sunday's are days for winding down the weekend, prepping for the weeks to come. It's a great day to tidy up and start fresh and never make evening plans on Sundays, because it just feels like no, I gotta be home. I gotta make my to do list. For the next week. I gotta look at my calendar. Right? There's a grounding experience for me on the Sunday evening. And when I don't have that the week that follows feels a little. I don't know, untethered, right? This makes sense to me. I love Sundays, right? I mean, it's it makes so much sense to me that I forget that not everybody holds Sundays, the way that I do, right? Not everybody turns out things the way I think. So then I got this kid, right, this 18 year old who is a senior. And this year, I've really been working on giving him so much freedom, because I want him to be in the practice of what do I got going on? There's this fun thing. Can I do the fun thing and still show up for what I've got going on? Or, you know, can I get what I need to get done done before I go out and do the fun thing, right? Like, remember going to college? If you went to college? Did you have skills in navigating all the things that were distracting with what you were actually there to do? I did not I not good at that. And kind of had to learn as I went. And it took a long time. And so I'm trying to create a different experience within so that I'm not so in charge of the structure of his life, but really giving him enough room to recognise where structure is needed, but not totally abandoning. Right. So anyway, one of the things that is starting to happen is and we'll just let me know. So we've kind of shifted into like, Hey, I'm going to the basketball game tonight, instead of Hey, Mom, can I go to the basketball game tonight? And, you know, part of me that can kind of more controlling ego driven mom, part of me is like, are you telling me or are you asking me, you know, and I get a little bristly, even though I like this. This is how I want him to be navigating the world while he still has the soft landing of our family. And now Seeing it's hard. Also, I'm not always super present. And sometimes he'll be like, Hey, this is what I'm going to do today. I'm going to do this and this and this and this and this. And I'm like, okay, okay, okay, this happened a couple of weeks ago was a Sunday, I'm gonna go work out, I'm going to have dinner, or I'm gonna play a little fortnight. I'm gonna, I don't know what he told me all the things he was going to do. And I was like, Okay, great. And then it was six o'clock, and I'm making dinner, and I text him. And I'm like, hey, you know, you need to be heading home, because dinner is gonna be ready. Soon, I made dinner for everybody. And he was like, Oh, actually, I just left for the gym. And my kid goes to the gym for like, three hours. He's a total gym rat. It is not a short trip to the gym. Plus, you know, we live out of town. And so it takes 1520 minutes for him to get to the gym, to even start working out. He actually works out maybe for more like two hours, and he's with his buddies. And like, it's just he was like, I'll probably be home by nine. And I kind of lost my shit. And I was like, No, I'm making dinner. It's Sunday, like, you need to head home. This is not acceptable. This is not what's going on. And he was like I told you, we talking about, you know, he was like, Mom, I told you that I was doing this and you said, okay, and I was like, I don't remember that. The back and forth. I was like, Okay, let's find a win win. Because there is a gym that's closer to our house. It's like in our neighbourhood. Anyway, I was like, why don't you do that gym, and then we home sooner and I want you to unwind. It's Sunday, it's important to unwind, you know, my whole thing. And he was like, fine, and he hung up. And I was like, Oh, really? You're hanging up on me. It felt like he was hanging up on me. Right? But our conversation was over. But there was no like, okay, bye or See you later. I love you was just, you know, click. Oh, man, I was so activated. And I texted him I was like, and it is 100% not okay to just hang up on me like that. Please confirm when you see that text.

Casey O'Roarty 17:10
I've looking at it now. It's so funny. So this is the text I got back from him. He said, sorry. It just felt like you got mad at me because you didn't understand my plans, which feels unfair. I'm sorry, there was miscommunication. But I can't read your mind. You never told me. You wanted me to do those things, meaning be home for dinner and do his laundry, remember, and I hung up because I was super pissed and didn't want to say something mean? Now, first of all, he responded. And second of all, he responded really thoughtfully. And in a way that was really expressive. And I had to tell you, I read that text. And I was like, wow, here's a kid who knows how to be in relationship with someone who knows how to express himself. And yeah, so I'm sharing the story to illustrate a couple of things. One, my people don't value Sundays, the way I value Sundays. And if I want for Sunday's to be the wind down day, and if I have expectations about Sunday evenings, I gotta be explicit about what that looks like, and bring my family into the conversation. If there is an expectation about Sunday dinners and being home, it needs to be stated explicitly, right? And then everybody knows, everybody knows. Also, like I said, I love this story because it illustrates how much the normalisation of self expression and communication exists with my kiddo, as well as self regulation. I am super proud to share that story. I'm less proud about my because I was pretty activated me honest. And I responded to him and own my stuff, too. And, yeah, and I mean, I, when I responded, I was all via text, of course, I said, I can accept that. And I'm sorry that the communication wasn't clear. And feeling like there's a lot of breakdown in our family rhythm. I wasn't explicit. I love you. And I love that you have the freedom to do what you want. And I think it's time to all connect around expectation. So we're on the same page, have a good workout. So, yeah, inside of our bubble inside of our, you know, circle, we get to teach model and practice how our family exists together. Right. And sometimes things go sideways. It's not like Okay, great. We have clear expectations. Our boundaries are, you know, steeped in our values. And because we do this, you know, there's no conflict, no, that is not it, because we have normalised what communication looks like and have expectations around how we treat each other. Because of that, we can have conflict and move through it in a really healthy way. Right and Yeah, and that's everything we have somewhere to come back to. Right? There are times when declarations are made about expectations of behaviour and our kids step over our energetic boundary, right and head out in the world in a way that we don't want, right thinking about vaping substance use fast cars, you know, the mischief making, we want them not to engage in whatever that looks like sneaking out, right? What do we do, then? That's what everybody wants to know, what do we do? When they do the things? We can't contain them? Right? So when I think about my energetic boundaries, I actually picture like a low stone wall. Right? Kind of like, well, I've been watching a lot of Outlander lately. Again, I'm obsessed. So to all my Outlander fans, see you, I see you rewatching season one. I love it. Anyway, so I'm picturing when I think about this low stone wall, I'm thinking about, like, you know, the rolling hills of Scotland and these sweet little walls, it's low enough to step over. This is important. I think a lot of parents want to know. Okay, great. So if my energetic boundary is a wall, how do I make it so tall that my kid can't get over it? Right? Right. And that, which takes us back to, you know, that desire to know, how do I set rules that my kid will follow all the time perfectly. Here's the deal. If your kid wants to get over the wall, they're gonna get over the wall, they're gonna bring the necessary tools and make it happen. And it isn't about the wall. It's about the connected, respectful, explicit conversations that you're having with your team around why the boundary exists. It is also about how your team feels inside of that conversation. Do they feel respected, seen heard they have a voice, they have an opportunity to be a part of the conversation? Or are you just talking about them? Right? You're just talking at them. I have a friend when we talk about this boundary wall situation. So you know, when you think back to just having a newborn baby, right, the space, that containment space of safety and well being really was just our arms, right? We held them, they were close to us as they became toddlers, they had more room to play maybe the whole room or different parts of the house right? There, preschoolers getting a little bit older, maybe we open the door and they get to play out in the yard, they have more room to explore, we feel more comfortable in their exploration to get a little bit Elementary, older Elementary, you know, that boundary, that physical boundary becomes perhaps your street, maybe your neighbourhood. Right, the park down the way we get to expand the space for their exploration. And then they become middle school high schoolers, that space is a lot bigger. And by the way, if your kid has a smartphone, you're sending them out into the world, they are absolutely out in the world. So figure that out. Don't get them smartphones, if they're really young people actually wait as long as possible. Anyway, Middle High School, they are the space is so much broader. Right? And yeah, we want to create this containment, this wall, you can make it as tall as you want. And guess what they're going to show up to the edge where that wall is, and they're going to bring shovels and ladders and pick axes and push up against it. Because that's what this time of life is for. Right? It makes sense that our kids are riding the edge of the boundary, I think what's most important to consider is not what you're trying to prevent, but how you're following up when they step over the wall. Right? When they do a little bit of exploration that feels like it's tapping on that safety and wellbeing, expectation or boundary. Right? So think about it. Because all they're probably most of them are going to do it. Whatever that looks like they're going to take that step over. So what response is normalised? What are the what's the mindset that's normalised in your home? Is your home a space where mistakes are expected and held as opportunities to learn? Is it a non judgmental space with curiosity critical thinking? Is your kiddo seen as more than their current behaviour? Right? As a parent, do you feel a sense of confident authority? Is emotional honesty valued in your home? Are you trusting the process and having faith that whatever you're moving through is temporary? Are you willing to get help if the problems are bigger than the family can hold like is that what's the vibe of your house or in your household and I invite you to really you know again, take inventory here in your households are mistakes not okay and met with fear and anger, their judgement and criticism lectures berating remember when your kids step over the wall? Is it? Is that what it's met with? When things get tough, is that bad behaviour at the centre of all your interactions with your teens? Are you parenting as a dictator? You know, is

Casey O'Roarty 25:15
there no room for emotional honesty or anger and disappointment? The primary emotions when things go sideways and not shared, mostly just displayed, right? Do you have that, you know, dead in a ditch and of the world catastrophizing going on? And are you using shame? When problematic behaviours are experiencing shame, right? That's a big one. experiencing shame when problematic behaviours show up and looking for ways to fix it through that top down, what do we have to do to you? Approach? Right, which of those two vibes to household vibes fits most with? The current dynamic, right? So important conversation to have with yourself. It's an important consideration, right? The teen years are absolutely a time of developing independence and responsibility keyword is developing. And as much as we want that to be a linear trajectory, like they're just getting better and better every day. It's not. And there are days, weeks, months, or even for some of us years, when it feels like our kids are constantly hopping the wall, the boundary wall, on their quest for autonomy, and independence. And then we get into our own mischief, when we see this time as one where independence and responsibility should be mastered. And the mistakes when they make them are treated as failures. Life is learned and lived through a series of trials and errors, my friends, through seeing those energetic walls, and pushing a little bit against them. Right, we have to take risks and try new things to keep moving forward. It's true for our kids as much as it is for us. So my invitation to you is to start talking to your teens about where the boundaries are. Yeah. And when your teen is stepping over the wall on the regular Yeah, you get to pull that energy or that energetic wall in a bit. And it might sound like you sharing your concerns, sharing your values, right, for a really neutral, grounded place. getting curious. You know, I love curiosity, about their experience around the choices they're making, focusing more on what's going on under the surface, then the undesired behaviour, that's big, right? Trying to explore what's happening. Because the behaviour itself is the solution to a problem that you don't know, is happening. So you're trying to figure out what what's the actual problem. And then from that place, you get to let them know what you will do and follow through. And these conversations when normalised and non judgmental can end up being all it takes to understand each other. And the expectations better. You know, sometimes these conversations break down, right? When one or both people begin to become emotionally activated. Absolutely. Sometimes the result is well, we'll see how the week goes. And talk more now that we understand each other better. Let's see how the week goes. And we'll circle back on Sunday and see how it felt. Sometimes, depending on the challenge, the result might sound something like you know, we're gonna hold on to the car keys until we feel like you're, you know, making some safer decisions. Right, that's appropriate. Sometimes the results could be you know, this is scary big stuff. And we're gonna find some outside help, because it's, it's bigger than our family. Right? So there's no perfect answer to what the results of a emotionally honest conversation about boundaries and what's going on is with your kids. And it's equally as powerful to say, okay, great, we understand each other better. Let's see how this next week goes, as it is to say, I don't know, as it is to have like, some big consequence because they took a step over the boundary. Right, and oftentimes, consequences punishments. You know, that's what we are really talking about when we're talking about consequences oftentimes is like, well, we got to punish them for stepping over the wall. But is that going to keep them on the inside more often? Or is a conversation where you're exploring what's going on for them, and they're feeling ever more connected to you to be more effective, right? There's no surefire way to get our teens to stay on our side of the wall stay on our side of the boundary. They're going to explore the world and their power of choice. I mean, that's what life is all about. Aren't we all exploring the world and our power of choice? I mean, come on. When granted a 16 year old, a 14 year old, even a 12 year old, you know, they have much less experience than we do as mid lifers. And so our power of choice is going to be contained inside of, you know, some societal norms, right. But they are at the beginning of accruing their experiences that are going to continue to inform them. And I think that's something that should be really like that you should hold on to their at the beginning of accruing the experiences that they will continue to use to inform them, right, about how to choose how to decide what to do. And I know it feels a little loosey goosey. Even as I prepared this show, I can hear you all asking like, but what about when they do this? And what about this scenario? You know, and I do want to have a clear answer for you, I want to have a formula, I want it to be super step by step. But it's not. Right. It's not like that your family is unique. Your kids are unique. There's so many nuances and dynamics inside of relationship inside of their wiring. But I will say that when your kids get into mischief, and when they crossed the boundaries, and the expectation is that it will be talked about and explored. That is a consequence. And it's a really useful one, when you have the relationship for truly exploring. Right? boundaries. And expectations aren't just about what they're doing when they're out in the world. They're also about how they're showing up at home. Right. And I have a lot of clients who want to talk about how to get their teens to help out, right. And if you're there know that you're not alone in this challenge, right, you're not alone and trying to get your teenager to help you around the house. And I think again about what's normalised in your family, is the expectation that we're all here to help each other out and do a part, you know, in contribution to the space is that normalised inside of your boundaries inside of your little contained, you know, space? Is there a vibe of I have to make you do this or that I trust that you'll be a part of it. And honestly, so many families hold chores as a chore and expect that their teens won't follow through. And, you know, I get it like you expect that because you've been shown over time that they don't follow through. But yeah, yeah, we want our kids to do the things when we ask and we want them to do them while and when the relationship is contentious. This is really tough relationship is where we have influence. You know, I like to say that relationship is also where we can play with lightness and humour. And also a place where we're more likely to say, hey, let's vote these close together, you can pick the playlist, and not feel like you're begging, because you see the both and of the chore and the opportunities to connect. And our teens are high on autonomy, right? So we have to remember that choices and a sense of shared power matters. It also matters, like when we're asking them to do things that are meaningful. So I'm going to circle back on that. So offering choices just like when they were little I need you to sweep. Do you want to do that now? Or are you going to do that in an hour? Or, hey, the windows need to be washed, and the kitchen needs to be cleaned up this afternoon? Which of those are you willing to do? Right, or even there's yardwork at a grocery list? How can you help out the expectation is helping out and the value of we live together we all contribute to that is explicit, the tone is friendly, and confident. And when you find yourself with a kiddo with a teen who isn't following through who isn't willing to help out around the house, you get to take time to say, you know, this is something that I'm noticing, tell me about it. Right? And listen, listen, you know, when I asked you to do this, that or the other? And, you know, you say no, like, Tell me about that. Because we really value, you know, contribution, and everybody being a part of maintaining our space. And I really value giving you the opportunity to grow the life skills that you're going to need, you know, so the tone is friendly, and confident. Right, tell me about this. And listen, you get to hold the space and the tension around this value and the lack of follow through without being judgey and awful. Like you just sit on your bed all day on your phone, and there's all these things that need to be done, or do you want me to make a list of all the things that I do and your dad does or your dad or your mom? This is not going to serve the conversation when you get critical? Right? Instead use curiosity you No, and you get to land on, there's lots to do. And what are you willing to contribute? Right? This is, like I said, a place to grow responsibility and life skills. So

Casey O'Roarty 35:09
I have a fun story about Rowan. I got a text from her. I do a lot of texting with my kids. I got a text from her a little while back. And she said, I'm so glad you taught us to empty the sink. strainers. My roommates don't do it. And it's gross. Yeah, it was a glorious day when she sent me that I was like, yes. And it was funny. Because when I look back at, you know, how my kids showed up to chores, more often than not, when they would do the dishes and be in charge of the kitchen, they would leave whatever food was left in the strainer. After the fact in the strainer, I'd go find one of them. And I let them know, hey, job wasn't finished, you gotta dump the strainers and clean them out. And they would have, they would be like, Oh, mom, and I'd be like, I know, well, the job isn't finished. And I would be in my competent authority. They go upstairs, they take care of it. Now, on her own in her own apartment, she sees the value when she was home with us. It wasn't her value was my value is her dad's value. She also as a 20 year old freshly on her own person. She's making her own appointments. She's picking up prescriptions, she's doing her grocery shopping, keeping her space tidy and organised learning to manage your time she's in school and working, making yourself meals, you know, like, right now, with our kids that are still at home. This is the training grounds, where we again, normalise and expect contribution around the tools and tasks that keep things rolling, right in life, giving them lots of opportunities to contribute into practice, and a lot of invitations to step in. Right. So yeah, that's what I got for you today. Boundaries, expectations limits, we didn't really get into limits. I feel like limits, we always want to talk about limits of screentime, which is a whole thing, and a whole show in and of itself. So I'm not gonna go into that rabbit hole right now. And I know this is not all wrapped up with a neat little bow. But it's useful, right? I hope that I've launched you into some more expanded consideration about how you're thinking about and holding the boundary, the energetic space with your family. And I know that there will be loads more to unravel with this in the future. But really, I really want you to take some time and consider where have you been explicit with your expectations and boundaries with your teens? Where have you not been explicit? Right? Consider where you could revisit and fill in some gaps by sharing your values and concerns and, you know, ask for their input on all of this matters. And also, it allows a space and an energy of camaraderie and collaboration, both of which will serve everyone. Right. Okay, I see you out there. I see you out there working hard for the good of your family. You aren't alone. Inside of this. You're not alone. And there's amazing spaces for you join other parents in any of the joyful courage communities. There's the joyful cards for parents of teens Facebook group, which is free. Consider the membership which doors open a couple times a year or even book and explore call for one on one coaching with me. If you're struggling with any of this, if this show kind of highlighted to you some places where you could use some extra help. I've got you it's available. Head over to be spreadable.com/teens to find out all the things. Have a beautiful weekend. And I'll see you soon. Bye

Casey O'Roarty 39:01
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my spreadable partners, Julieta and Alana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at B sprout double.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.

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