Eps 459:  Exploring the Art of Connected Parenting, Part 1

Episode 459

Join Alanna Beebe, Julietta Skoog, & Casey O’Roarty, the three founders of Sproutable, as we dig deeper into finding the why of the work we do. Why do we show up, even when it’s hard & stressful? We dig deeper into the meaning behind the connected parenting movement (aka conscious parenting, positive discipline, gentle parenting, positive parenting).  When we are intentional about our parenting, it’s an opportunity for personal evolution as well as a cultural revolution.

In this first episode of the series, we share stores from our own childhood experiences.  We all have residual effects of the ways we were parented. How can we show up differently as parents?  We’re not going for picture perfect Instagram parenting here – we’re getting real and digging into the messy moments. 

The second half of this episode is all about reparenting.  What is reparenting? Is it just another buzzword?  We find that all 3 of us have different definitions but end up at the same place: healing your inner child & showing up differently for your own kids.  We’re all growing and evolving.

We’re here to help people!  We change the lives of children & families for the better, and that’s what drives us. 

Join us next week when we’re back to talk about guilt, shame, & self-doubt. 

Guest Description 

Alanna Beebe is a certified Positive Discipline Educator. She has 15+ yrs in public health & early learning communications, and equity & social justice policy development. She is a current board member of FoxBox, helping families in long-term hospital stays. She is a former board member for WACAP (now HoltInternational.org), international and domestic adoption and foster placement agency.

Julietta Skoog is a Certified Positive Discipline Advanced Trainer with an Ed.S Degree in School Psychology and a Masters Degree in School Counseling with over 20 years of experience helping families in schools and homes. She draws from her real life practical experience working with thousands of students with a variety of needs and her own three children to parent coaching, bringing a unique ability to translate research, child development and Positive Discipline principles into everyday parenting solutions. Her popular keynote speeches, classes, and workshops have been described as rejuvenating, motivating, and inspiring.

Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed, is a facilitator of personal growth and development. For the last 15 years, her work has encouraged parents to discover the purpose of their journey, and provided them with tools and a shift of mindset that has allowed them to deepen their relationship with themselves and their families. Casey is a Positive Discipline Lead Trainer and Coach. She hosts the Joyful Courage podcast, parenting summits, live and online classes, and individual coaching. Her book, Joyful Courage: Calming the Drama and Taking Control of YOUR Parenting Journey was published in May 2019. Casey lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband, and two teenagers.

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Takeaways from the show

  • Introducing the founders of Sproutable
  • Exploring positive parenting, gentle parenting, conscious parenting, positive discipline
  • The ways your childhood could affect how you show-up in relationships as an adult 
  • Being the parent you want to be 
  • Acknowledging our privilege & blindspots  
  • We all make mistakes & lose it sometimes – it’s how you repair that matters 
  • What “reparenting” means to each of us 
  • Healing your inner child 
  • There’s always room & time to change your trajectory 
  • Trusting your inner wisdom

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Classes & coaching

I know that you love listening every week AND I want to encourage you to dig deeper into the learning with me, INVEST in your parenting journey. Casey O'Roarty, the Joyful Courage podcast host, offers classes and private coaching. See our current offerings.

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parenting, kids, work, story, mom, child, year, move, alana, rewiring, casey, experience, part, grow, feelings, conversation, discipline, idea, deeper, relationship
Casey O'Roarty, Julietta Skoog, Alanna Beebe

Casey O'Roarty 00:03
Hey, welcome to the joyful courage podcast a place for inspiration and transformation as we try and keep it together, while parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth, and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead at Sproutsocial. I am also the mama to a 20 year old daughter and 17 year old son walking right beside you on this path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is an interview and I have no doubt that what you hear will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families all around the globe. I'm so glad that you're here. Enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:25
Hey, everybody, welcome to our super special new podcast series, The Art of connected parenting where the founders of Sproutsocial are coming together to talk about the power of up leveling how we think about and understand our roles and relationships with our kids. I'm Casey O'Rourke, the host of the joyful courage podcast positive discipline lead trainer mom and adolescent Lead here at Sprout edible with me are Alana Beebe, the managing director brilliant thoughtful mama and positive discipline parent educator and my sister from another mister Julietta school, also a mom, early years lead and positive discipline trainer, we're so excited to be digging into our work with all of you. Thank you for being here. listening and watching. If you're watching us on YouTube, so yeah, okay, part one. Here we are, ladies,

Julietta Skoog 02:18
I can't believe we're here. I felt we've been talking about this for so long. It's gonna be hard to not just sit in that space.

Casey O'Roarty 02:24
I know. Well, now we're doing it. Now we're doing now we're doing it. So let's start with what's the point? What are we doing here? What is this series about? What are you both hoping to share over the course of these episodes? So why don't we start there. So

Alanna Beebe 02:39
I have been thinking a long time. And you know, hello, everyone who has not heard my voice before, because normally Julieta and Casey are behind the camera and behind the mic, the Solana. And you know, we've been talking a lot here at spreadable around how we really want to frame the work that we're doing. Because we are a lot out there, you know, in positive parenting and conscious parenting and gentle parenting and the whole movement around challenges and relationships and this challenge and you know, creating this pattern in your home of you know, having joy and peace and all of this. That's great. But what is the deeper level of the work that we're doing here? What is the passion behind it? And why are we here? Why are we showing up every day? When things are hard? We know we've been doing this for how many nine years now all of us collectively, because Casey before you were drinking courage on your own? Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 03:30
no longer than that. 2007 Yeah. ITP. Okay, so

Julietta Skoog 03:35
when did we collectively? I mean, it was, let's say 2008 2008. Yeah, yeah. And the one before that had been 2007. So yeah, right around the same time. Yeah. And

Alanna Beebe 03:45
then we started our businesses spreadable and joyful courage around eight and half, nine years ago, or so. And like anything anyone does in your life, right? You have your job. And at some point, there was some passions and interests there. Right. And every day, we show up to the grind of Scrabble, and we have our checklist and we do our things. But behind that, the reason why we keep showing up when things are hard when things are stressful is because we're helping people we're changing the lives of children and families for the better. And that's what drives us. That's our passion behind that. And so I was really excited to have this podcast series because I really wanted to talk about what is the deeper drive? What is the deeper passion? What are we all working for? And how can we come together on this journey, collectively being a parent or not a parent being a caregiver, maybe or being a teacher or whatever, there's what drives us all together? And where can we go together? And how can we get on that same train? Yeah,

Julietta Skoog 04:38
I really thought about that in terms of our voice, like our voices brought of all and like for you, Alana, this is such a gift for us to be able to be in conversation with you in this way. And so for us to really have a collective voice that I sort of see us sounds maybe a little cheesy, but I really see us like walking beside all these other voices is all kinds of Walking into the same street, you know, we're all like gathering to go toward this one, or not necessarily one, but like we're moving in this direction that feels like a movement, it feels like a movement like this generation, this life that we are on this parenting journey, this personal journey, you know, all these singular voices and ours are coming together in such a passionate way and collective way and hearing from others to just really honing that voice and just getting stronger with that voice that was sort of my

Casey O'Roarty 05:31
goal to for this. Well, and I just love off the record, when we come together for our calls. I mean, I always laugh at, we've got two hours on Mondays, and it takes us a solid 45 minutes to actually get to work, because we're checking in, we're talking about things that come up, we're talking shop. So like, we get so excited about it. And that's what the gist of our conversation always comes back to that deeper learning that we witness, and that we experience in our own parenting as well. And so that's what I'm excited about. I feel like this series is really giving us a space to share those really powerful conversations with a larger audience. And I love that. And I love what you just said about like, we're all moving in a direction. And I know when you say that you mean like, you know, scrolling Instagram, all the different people that you all listeners and watchers are following. I love that there's this message of relationship of curiosity, of brain development of like, doing your own work, getting your shit together as the parent. And that's really exciting to kind of articulate that and contain it in a way that you know, my hope for this series, it really is delivered to the people that listen and prompts a deeper realization of the work that everybody's doing when they wake up in the morning. And it's, you know, another day with our kids. So the other piece too, is just like normalizing. And those of you that listen to my podcast, I say this all the time. Like it's messy, right? The terrain of the teen years is rough. And we can't change the terrain, right? We can't move the mountain. But how we approach it in our mindset matters. And we all show up with our own stuff. So just to kind of dig a little deeper into the fact that yes, we're parent educators, but we're also parents and humans, right. And we all have relationship stuff that came out of our childhood, we all three of us have committed to doing better our clients have committed to doing better. So will you share a little bit about your this is a therapy session now.

Julietta Skoog 07:52
Where do I begin? Yeah. Why don't you start Alana?

Alanna Beebe 07:56
Okay, wow, we'll start with my Oh, God, I love yours. Okay, this is not a therapy session. So we will not give the whole story. But I think the context of all of our childhoods is really important to understand how we show up as adults and how we show up as parents, and how we show up in relationship to other people. And for me, it was a practice in storytelling. And so there are a few ways that you can tell this story of my childhood. One is that I grew up in a home of abuse. My mom was a drug addict, and she had major mental health issues. There are many times when, you know, I had to call 911. And she's overdosing and I took care of myself, I made dinner, you know, I mean, all of that. And then even as a young child, my father's ability to deal with emotions was very limited. It was basically no feelings are allowed or anger and explosiveness, you know. So that's how I grew up. And so I could either take that story, as the victim of the situation, or what I decided to do is rewrite that story. And rewrite that story as a story of resilience, a story of learning a story of opportunity to really step up in my independence and responsibility, my ability to deal with really hard things, and keep showing up with a smile, and keep showing up with positivity and knowing that I'm always going to be okay, as long as I take care of myself, and I am responsible for my happiness, and I'm responsible for how I perceive how do I show up in this world? And so that lesson, you know, from my childhood, you know, brought me into my adulthood fine, and then you become a parent. Yeah. And then your kid hits you and throws things at you and you know, yells at you and you are triggered, right? So then I get to go through the process all over again. Right? And like, oh, I dealt with this, you know, and then you have a kid, you know, and I noticed in my own body just like how triggered I am by the extreme emotions and violence and all of that. I mean, it's a two year old, like two year olds do this, they throw they hit what you know, that's just what they do. There's, that's normal, you know, but for me that it was like a sense of like safety, right? So having to like, step back and be like, Okay, what do I need in this moment, so that I can then show up as a parent that I want to be for my child, right? So it's that kind of processing from my childhood into, you know, where I am. And we'll talk a lot more about that. But your story and how you tell your story, and the things that happened, like around you, and an experience for you as a child, is your story forever. And like every time you show up in relationship with someone, you walk in with that story. And so for me, it was just the importance of that, and how I could help bring that into the work that we do at Sprout edible, and then work with children and work with adults that are working with children. And that's powerful. You know, it's powerful, where we can show up so anyway, well,

Julietta Skoog 10:57
in the part that you say, I'm always so fascinated, Ilana, by you, I mean for a million different reasons. But that strength that you have in your little teeny person that you are, and there's like incredible strength that you walk the world with. And that idea of like that you have this sense, I will always be okay. Like, no matter what happens, I'm going to figure it out. Everything will be okay. That's always a mantra within spreadable, we're always like, well, a lot of knows what we'll always know what to do. A lot of will figure it out. There's no problem too big. It really is a way that you walk through the world, you know, as a parent, as a person with our company, that strength that you've I don't know, I just that really is

Alanna Beebe 11:41
Yeah, it's like a deeper thing that just came with me. I don't know. Well, and this

Julietta Skoog 11:45
idea, Casey, that you're saying about, like normalizing the messiness that we can, you know, from all outward appearances can look all put together and totally connected and have all this whole set of skills, and really never know what was behind or what brought that. So yeah, I mean, I think the messiness is real, my story is about being a middle child, I have two sisters, that's a huge part of my narrative, the middle of three girls. And when I was five, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, I didn't even realize this until later in life, that it was considered stage four, given six months to live simultaneously. So I have a younger two year old 23 Sister, and then older, eight year old 29, and we moved from California to Illinois, like, just happened to be that my father was transferred. So that experience as a six year olds, that year and a half that we were in Illinois, with a very ill parent, and being totally independent, on our own caring for our younger sister. And just living in a home of sadness, I think, really informed my work with children, not even necessarily as a parent, because I've worked with children for so long before I even became a parent. But I remember it so vividly, from a sense, place of the vulnerability, the fragility, the how much I really was taking in, that as I grew, I just looked at all these little people, and I just had such an empathy and a capacity to see the world through their eyes, you know, and really see like, how vulnerable I think they are, and just how sensitive kids are. It's that part that really drove me, I think, to just like, keep wanting to work with kids and be more informed as a grown up for how to not necessarily protect, but just really fill in the gaps for how much you know, grownups think kids don't get it or understand or that they're not being affected, you know, frankly. So it's been a huge story for me, my mom is amazing. Now she's healthy, she, you know, through a whole other arc of a story Grammy is doing okay.

Alanna Beebe 14:03
Hi, Grammy, we know.

Casey O'Roarty 14:06
We know you're watching.

Julietta Skoog 14:08
But you know, but in order for her to get better, it really it costs a lot for our family cost a lot for my father had to really decide to be her doctor and our father and had to really let go of this idea of that he might lose this person, so that you know, started and lifelong separation from the two of them.

Julietta Skoog 14:31
I just learned a lot from that lens, you know, it was a very formative time. And then it informed us the ripple effects from that. So I've always been really, like fascinated by the sibling dynamic by these early years of how things happen to young children and informs them and then like you'd settle on the power of resilience. That's, you know, all my graduate work was around resilience was around how my mother who had had an abusive childhood was able to really change the way she parented, I was like, what breaks that what breaks those cycles. I've always been so fascinated by that. And then like you said, and then you have your own, and I thought I'd figured it all out. I went to grad school. I got two degrees. I was a school psychologist, school counselor. I've been working with kids since I was 12. I had an awesome partner have an awesome partner. And then you have your first child, and I'm like, holy shit. Yeah, I am so triggered. I have a colicky baby. How can I not soothe How is this not? I mean, so then from then on, it was just like, Oh, okay. Oh, we get to figure it all out again. Oh, I actually get to like, practice this. So lots of messiness. And last 14 years of just doing that work.

Casey O'Roarty 15:47
Yeah, I mean, I just want to acknowledge, right, like, We're three people in a world of what, six, 7 billion. And we have these distinct stories with through lines, but also unique details. So it's just so interesting to me. So I am a child of divorce from the 70s. Right when it wasn't that common, although I knew from a very early age, I was never a kid that was like, How can I get mom and dad back together? Like it was very clear to me that they did not need to be married. And my mom, who I'm very close to, and I love it so much, was young. And she had two kids really fast. And we come from this long line of like, oldest daughters with dysregulated mothers like I was that my mom was that my grandma was that. And then I became the mother. Right. And in my childhood, there was we talked about in positive discipline, if any of you have taken a class from us, we do that parenting style activity where we talk about permissive and authoritarian and how most of us swing, right, we're too permissive until we can't stand our kids. And then we fly into like, knock it off, right, authoritarian, till we can't stand ourselves. And my mom swung like that she was deeply loving until it was too much. And then she was really harsh with me. And because of that whole oldest daughter thing, I think, and then, you know, teen years rolled around, and I left, and I moved in with my dad. And all my formative years was really estranged from her, which I think, you know, now connecting the dots, it was always destined for me, I think, to work with parents of teenagers because of that experience. And then because of my own experience, once I had teenagers, although the conditioning showed up, not with the first kid, but with the addition of the second kid, that's when I really started building compassion for my mom, because I would fly off the handle so quick, and be so mean to Rowan, who is my sweet little girl just wanted connection and love. And she drove me nuts. Yep, everybody goes to therapy. So it's okay. And everybody knows this story. But yeah, I mean, and then there's also added experience of how I perceived worthiness from my dad and my stepmom who were so generous with me and showed up, you know, in all the ways that they could, and yet I still had this experience of not being good enough, right, or of my value being tied to how I looked how I dressed, what my grades were right. And so, yeah, messy, there's so much stuff to slog through personally. And then we have these kids. And we're like, why don't want to be like that. And yet, it's inside of us. So I'm really excited for all of us to talk about the RE parenting coming up. I also want to say before we go any further that I mean, if you're watching, then you're seeing three white women, right three white women in America, and just want to acknowledge that that is the like, yes to the details that we all have, and our own unique experiences. And we move through the world, you know, looking through the lens of a white person of a white woman. And as we talk more about this deep work of parenting and re parenting and recognizing our trauma, we get to recognize our place of privilege and the fact that we have blind spots, I think three of us are committed to continuing to grow and evolve and expand our understanding of the experiences of others. And we will never actually get to stand in those shoes. So just wanting to acknowledge that. And as my marriage counselor likes to remind me, we are all living in our own equally valid separate realities. So as you listen and you find places of not connecting with what we're talking about, I just encourage you to look for those three lines. Look for those places, that when we're sharing where it makes sense in your life and how it can make sense once in your life, regardless of your story in your background, that idea of separate reality is such a huge part of Adlerian psychology which we'll dig into and the foundation of positive discipline and your point, Casey around just normalizing that we are all coming from these backgrounds and places in the messiness in it all. You know,

Julietta Skoog 20:24
I think that's where shame likes to hide for parents that come to my classes, or to our groups where they think they're the only ones or that it is why I am, you know, the activation that they have, or the feeling of inadequacy or the overwhelm. And it can be really isolating and feel really lonely. Because all of us have our own unique stories, we are in our own separate realities, like, it is a lonely place, you know, and so, but understanding that everyone is going through that and bringing that just can crack open that door to compassion and can crack open that door to talking about this in a way that just becomes like secondhand and not so like a lot of people who, you know, come to our classes, they think, Oh, I wouldn't have necessarily sought this out. You know, I mean, just how hard it is to have these. So I think that's also the goal for today, right is just and for these conversations is just to continue to model for, you know, our own stories, in hopes that it will help for everyone's own unique awareness, reflection, and understanding of that connection that all of our hearts have, you know,

Alanna Beebe 21:32
because it's the deeper level, like we can connect on the challenges that we're having with our kids. But we can also connect on the feelings that we're having about the challenges that we're having with their kids, the feelings that we're having about our kids and the phones we're having about ourselves, and our partners, if we have parenting partners, and whatever that looks like, that is that deeper level of connection, right? And you to both brought this up, it's something that I really value in both of you is your ability to really get into the child's world and speak for the child from that perspective, like bringing in the development, bringing in that learning psychology, you know, maybe their view or whatever. And then also seeing the frame within the family to be able to speak that to the parent or the caregiver or the teacher. So they can see from the child's perspective, and we can get into someone else's world right and truly be in their shoes and see it from a different lens, we get to show up differently. You know, and that's so powerful. So, love this work.

Casey O'Roarty 22:26
Yes. And I feel like we're cracking the Instagram, visual, right? Because we're all using the social media. And we're seeing and we're comparing and something that I feel like is a superpower for me. And I know it's a superpower for you too, is we're not afraid to talk about the ship that we step in, right. I walked over

Julietta Skoog 22:49
here this morning, as I'm like, Oh, I got a good one. Like I literally as rugged as well. I'm like, well, at least I got some material for today. Shit like, you know. Great. Awesome. Yeah. And

Casey O'Roarty 23:03
what I love whether that speaks into I think is well, first of all, that was when I first started podcasting. My favorite thing was, I loved that I had access to all these people. And I was like, Yeah, let's have a conversation. And then I would lean in and be like, so what was it really like, right, like, tell me about when you lost it. Because I think it's so important for parents to see the people that they're following that they're reading that they're listening to that they're looking up to, and recognize, oh, they're just like me, celebrities. They're just like

Julietta Skoog 23:35
deeper work. I mean, I think the powerful piece that will continue these conversations around the repair and the resolve and the student and the modeling how to mess up. Yeah, and how to make amends and is also just as important of teaching as parents.

Casey O'Roarty 23:53
Yeah, definitely. So we're gonna talk about re parenting. Right, and I feel like re parenting. It's kind of a buzzy word right now. And even the three of us when we talked about it, not too long ago, we all kind of had different take. We went down a rabbit hole we did. Yeah, right. Yeah. And isn't, you know, and that's where we get to roll around in it. And you kind of touched on this a little bit, Ilana in the retelling of your story, but what does re parenting mean to you guys? Yeah, and I'll share what my Yeah,

Alanna Beebe 24:23
for me and my personal process. Re parenting is my ability to show up differently for my kid. And in that then seeing through my kids eyes, me as a parent, and seeing how I would have wanted my parents to treat me it's like this reconnection of a relationship in the family that I needed to feel that my feelings were okay. You know, the messiness is okay, I don't need to be perfect, you know, the gift of imperfection. Those things were things that I needed to repair it in myself and I get to do that all the time with my kid, you know, and so every time that I accept my kid for who they are, and in that moment and be like, Oh, your feelings are fine, I also get to tell myself, my feelings are fine. You know. And so it's just that reciprocal piece. And you know, I think about because I love brain development, you guys, and I love the brain and neuroscience and how that works. But I even think about that as like that rewiring of the neurons, the looping of neurons and how it's like a constant loop. And then how relationships are like loops, and how we can then like, retrain or re parent or refeed or rewire or whatever that looks like. So for me, it almost feels physical. It's like a physical reconnection, you know?

Julietta Skoog 25:39
Yes, I'm just not resonating so much with that idea of the loops and the rewiring. I see it in that way as well. And especially like I had this aha, how nervous I was like recently, but in all my I worked in schools for 15 years. And as you know, the ratio with counselors and psychologists are like, 1000 students to one, so you can't see all the kids all the time, right? You have to pick your favorites. I said, first grade was always really important to get into all the first grade classrooms, because then I really know these kids know, they're not the like, Baby kindergarteners who are like crawling cats are so cute. But developmentally, they get it. And then I really know those kids as they grow. So maybe if I am not in their second grade class, but I tap back in as a fourth grader, I've known them as a first grader that made sense to me developmentally, but I realized a few years later, that, Oh, that was the year that I needed it. You know. And so the RE parenting for me, and I seen this when each of my girls now have get to the age of six, and Leon is there now. It's this year, this is the first grade year where I am just feeling all the feels that there is a physical almost place where I get the opportunity to reparent, you know, quote, unquote, that six year old within me that first grader within me, that needed to be seen, that needed to feel safe, that needed to be able to be a six year old. Also, that didn't get to be. So for all those first graders that I was always really immersed with just teaching them the vocabulary around feelings, all of them would say half of them would say you're my feelings teacher, and the other half would say you're our brain teacher. So I think I sort of gave that gift, you know, to them through what I needed in that year, too. So I guess we're parenting to me is like that Act of, you know, with whatever child, your own child or not even I mean, I think also we could talk about nature and other human beings too. But I think there's a piece, you know, within this context, around healing that inner child through the work.

Julietta Skoog 27:52
And I also appreciate Alana, what you said about like, it's not necessarily even like pressing Delete on the old, it's almost evolving that part. It's like, I had an amazing year. I mean, it wasn't like, a bad, you know, totally traumatic experience. But it was mine. Yeah. And there were parts that I really felt so deeply as that young child, and there's a whole range of, you know, depth that I deserved, also. And so by giving that to my own children and my students, that has been extremely healing for me,

Casey O'Roarty 28:29
yeah. And I think about it more. It was so interesting when we initially talked about it, because the idea of re parenting being in the action of parenting our kids wasn't on my radar. Like, to me, it's just really about the inner work of healing and reprogramming rewiring, you know, and those early years with my kids and seeing very explicit patterns and actions, like I used to say, it's like, I'd become overwhelmed and the impulse to totally come unglued. It was like the yellow brick road, like, come on. Come on, you know, you just let it go. Go off right now you want to write and like I said earlier, the compassion that I was able to grow for my mom, recognizing, well, I'm aware of this impulse, right, I have somewhat of an awareness and then learning positive discipline and going through the jungle activity, which is reliant on Zach The jungle is so oh my god and learning a men's like the process of making amends. And that fourth step of which is either let's problem solve this, or here's how I'm working to show up differently. Like, that was so powerful for me and to speak. This is how I'm going to show up differently to my kids meant that I had to do the work of following through and like, got into personal transformation and self growth and that was the real parenting for me and then fast forward to row in being 14 and looking me in the eye the same age I was when I moved him into my dad's and saying, I don't want to live here, I don't want to be a part of this fear. My response to that, like, my physical response to that was so heavy, and I couldn't figure it out. And then I realized, I had, you know, I never really spent a lot of time thinking about what that experience was like, for my mom, I had a lot of judgment on how she handled it. And I called my mom, and I was in tears. And I was telling him, I just said, Mom, I just want to say, like, I never really thought about what that was like for you. And she was able to say, none of that was your fault. And we had this really intense healing, through my experience with Rowan. So it's just like, such a gift that we don't have to be contained inside of whatever it was early on. That happened to for us, even with our own parents, yeah, with our own parents, in our experiences, there's always room to shift and change the trajectory. And for me, a lot of that is like paying attention to my personal my inner conversation that I'm having with myself noticing when my own like self worth, conversation shows up. But yeah, man, I mean, it's sweaty, it's all everyday can

Julietta Skoog 31:20
Well, I think maybe part of the term reparent teen also can activate the sense of like, this white washed, colonization, fix this, it has to be, you know, this

Alanna Beebe 31:33
must get better must get to perfection, puritanical kind of end goal

Julietta Skoog 31:38
individually, like all of that. And so when we can kind of move that shit aside, and the you know, allow the all allow all of it. Yeah. And that there isn't one right way. And here's the book to do it. But that trust in yourself and growing that inner wisdom and inner voice and turning up the dial on the inner child, and what we all need, you know, is for us, it's not for someone else to tell us. Yeah, how to repair and how to, you know, yeah, absolutely. So, and

Alanna Beebe 32:11
I think that brings up, you know, the storyline, you know, like, kind of like white dominant perspective here and our country is that it is our family, our stuff happens in our family, we don't talk about it outside, it doesn't go outside. And then I miss that. Like, like, we're your responsibilities, my responsibility. Yeah. Right. But then if you think about, you know, in other indigenous communities and other communities around the world, you know, it becomes like everyone's responsibility to raise the children, right. So it's not just all on you, and that responsibility and the shame and on all of that. So it's also this reframe of, I get to show up in this way, these are the things that I get to help teach my kid and I am not the everything. Yeah, get out. I am not the everything. Yeah, get out. There's teachers. There's friends, there's aunties, uncles, everything and everyone contributes, everyone contributes to the life of the child, you know?

Casey O'Roarty 33:02
Yeah. Well, and it's so interesting, like, how much credit we take? Either way, right? It's either like, look at what a great mom, I look at what my kids can do, or are doing, or it's like, I've completely screwed them up.

Julietta Skoog 33:16
It's all me. I had an intern tell me one time because they would come to all the parent meetings, after the, you know, 10th when they the intern look to me goes to all the parents say, oh, that's me. Oh, they get that for me. No, that's it. I was like, yeah, pretty much. There's just a whole ego around that. And it's, and I do it, too. We get so hooked into that, but when we can just pay attention to just that awareness of that the awareness of that. Yeah, I think is just what it brings up. You know, and

Casey O'Roarty 33:45
I love when we were in the Middle East last year, because we were, let's just hold for the memory of Shefali speak like, yeah, yeah, it was like you people think that you're in charge of this little beings journey, and you're wrong. Yeah. Right. And how we have hopes and dreams, the minute we find out that we're pregnant, we have a whole storyline for them. And that's my favorite part of being especially Rowan's Mom, is that she, like over and over again. I get to be like, Oh, right. It's not my narrative. Yeah, right. That's right. Is this sovereign, feisty human who is figuring it out? She's the first one to say, it's not about you.

Julietta Skoog 34:36
Well, and that's where I my mom would be like, you know, I mean, but that idea of repair it's not that we get to do it differently so that our kid turns out just the way that we wanted to Yeah, it's this idea of really doing our work our own trajectory. So we

Alanna Beebe 34:55
get so we get to become the person that we wanted to always be and they get to be whoever they get taken. One of them instead

Casey O'Roarty 35:00
of needing a U haul for them to carry our baggage into their life and go to therapy, they just carry on bag. Or even a backpack.

Julietta Skoog 35:10
Yeah, backpack. Bags, Please, mom. Okay,

Casey O'Roarty 35:13
we gotta wrap this up, girl. Okay, Alana, do you have the poem? I do. Okay, yeah. So we have something that we think you found it along. Yeah. We love it. This is our beginning of this series, but it's also the end of this first episode. So share it. Okay,

Alanna Beebe 35:32
I got, I got it. Okay, this is a picture poem from Mexico.

Casey O'Roarty 35:38
We save it again, it's

Alanna Beebe 35:39
a what per per paycheck. Okay, thank you. Oh, I'm from Mexico. The author is unknown. But it was something that really spoke to me. And when we first started talking about recording this series, I really wanted to anchor it in this was so powerful. So it's called My grandmother told me in life, you neither win or lose, nor does it fail. Nor is it successful. In life you learn. It grows, it is discovered, is written, it's erased, it is written again, is spun, unravels, and it spins again, the day I understood that the only thing that I am going to take with me, is what I live, I began to live what I want to take with me. Oh, and it's so powerful, you know, and for me, this poem was really about, you know, it's about it's about the moments, it's about every moment with your kid or your, you know, friends or your partner, whatever. It's like, Who do you want to show up in that moment, for the life that you want to bring along with you. And at the end of your life, when you look back at those moments, you get to say I showed up the best I could and then like, the most real way, and I'm not saying the best way or the good way, right? So Am I successful, right? Somebody winning or losing? It's just like, how do they show up?

Casey O'Roarty 37:00
What does that mean for me? Thank you. Thank you. Alright, ladies. So just reminding the listeners, we all get to grow and evolve and be better, right? We all get to keep our eyes on that ever moving prize. And in doing so grow kids that can reach you know, as far as they can go in their development and then there are possibility and yeah, I'm just really excited. I hope that you listener loved this conversation. We're so excited to be on the adventure with you. And next week join us we're going to dig into guilt and shame. Move from that to a more intentional way of being

Julietta Skoog 37:49
bring your party pants. Have a great day everybody. Bye. Thank you

Casey O'Roarty 38:02
thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you to my spreadable partners as well as Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected at besproutable.com. Tune back in later this week for our Thursday show and I'll be back with another interview next Monday. Peace

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