Eps 462: Being explicit with finding and naming our teen’s strengths

Episode 642

Join me this week on a journey to discovering our teens strengths. This is the glue that will keep your teen’s team together. What they need most from us is to be seen and celebrated for who they are. They need their adults to recognize and mirror their strengths. Listen in for more!

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Takeaways from the show

  • Getting the call from school
  • Taking a stand for our kids
  • Riding through our emotional experience when they’re struggling
  • Focusing on our kids strengths
  • Inviting others to notice our kids strengths
  • Normalize talking about strengths
  • How presence and self awareness can support us with finding our kid’s strengths


  1. What are your takeaways? What nuggets spoke the most to you?
  2. How are you speaking to your child’s strengths?
  3. What are you committed to doing to practice presence and/or self awareness moving forward??

Join the discussion in the FB group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/jcforparentsofteens

Joyful Courage is trusting myself, choosing to drop into presence and self awareness, and using my intuition.

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Casey O'Roarty

Casey O'Roarty 00:05
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead. It's browseable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show, and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show. Hey, so, hi, you and me Thursday. What did you think about part two of the art of connected parenting? I am really proud of what we're putting out and of my team. I think it's really useful. And it's so fun to work on this project with my business partners. I get to connect with guests every week here for the show, which I love, of course. But a lot of this podcast work is pretty so low, especially obviously the solo shows, it's just me and my office talking into a mic. Imagining people are gonna listen appreciating what I say, being able to come together and record the way that the three of us did over a period of time. It was so fun that it was so fun to have them drop in to what we're doing. And you guys, you know that we have a video component to this limited series, right? Did you know that you can actually watch the shows on YouTube. I don't know why that makes me laugh. It just kind of does. You get to see us, you know, banter with each other and the interactions that we have as we recorded the art of connected parenting. And it's kind of fun. It's kind of fun to watch. Although, honestly, even when I sign up for webinars, I'm usually listening like putting it in my pocket and taking a walk or driving or you know, doing something else running around. I don't often sit and watch. But you can if you want to. So there's that I hope that you listened this week was part two, we talked about guilt and shame and the parenting journey. And yeah, that's a lot of fun. I think it's something we've all navigated it's part of this process, especially in the teen years, because I mean, jeez, things go sideways. And that practice of separating our teens behaviour from our self worth. It's real. I mean, I know you maybe you're one of those people out there who's like, No, I get that that's theirs. That's no reflection on me. That's all them which great congratulations on being detached that that I'm mostly detached. But definitely, I mean, I think for me, the work that I do. It's either like, oh my god, that things are going down in my life. How could I possibly call myself a parent educator or a parent coach? But I mean, I guess that kind of started happening for me early on, like when Rowan was just coming into high school and things got really hard. But I quickly realised like, oh, no, this is actually really useful to my work. And it was useful to me personally, because I really got to sit inside of like, she's on her own path. She's making her own choices. Are there things that I could do better? Of course, always right. That's my own personal growth, but as far as just kind of letting go of what her behaviour says about me. I think because of my work, I was able to do that but there's still time I'm swear, I'm like, oh my god, what does it say about me as a parent, you know. And so anyway, guilt and shame, it's real, it happens to all of us. And we're gonna get more into that. I want to get a little bit vulnerable before we get into the content and ask you again. And actually lately, I've been getting a lot of feedback about the solo shows, I've been getting a lot of feedback from people just talking about how much the content is resonating with them, which makes sense because I really am so inspired by the community, by my membership by my clients, you know, by what I'm seeing out in the world, I'm not just like pulling this stuff out of thin air. So it makes sense to me that it's resonating. I love hearing it. But you know, what I really need you to do you listener who's listening and appreciating all of this, I need you to write a review on Apple podcasts. Even if you don't use Apple, even if you listen through Spotify, or Amazon or our website, or one of the other places where you can listen to podcasts, even if you don't listen on Apple podcasts, it still is so useful for the show, for people to leave a five star rating and to write a review, it kicks up this algorithm, right? The more reviews we have, the more likely it is that Apple is going to offer the show and put it in front of more and more people and parents looking for support. And the continued growth of the show is insurance that the show will continue to be around. actually pay money to put out the podcast, the advertising that you've been hearing over the past year or so has been so great, and puts a dent into what I'm paying to do the podcast. But I'm still out money at the end of every month. And I have this amazing editor that I've worked with for the last I don't know Chris, what's it been seven years. He does such an amazing job. He makes the show sound good. And you know, he's worth what I pay him. So anyway, I need your help. I create the show for all of us. Please, please, please leave a review on Apple podcast. Anytime you hear content that you love, right, you can leave more than one review. send the link to your show to your friends to your family. I know I think I say this in the intros or the outros. But I'm gonna say it again, because it's really important. Shout it out on social media. Tag me, I'll shout you out when I see it. Let me know, let the world know that this is useful, so that more people listen, right? Because living in a world full of parents, learning how to be better for their teens makes the world a better place for everyone, right? And you can be on that mission with me by leaving a review sharing the show all those things. And if you follow me on Instagram, I have a little highlight on my Instagram page that shows you step by step how to leave a review. It's not hard, you can do it. Yeah. So on Monday show Julieta and I both shared stories, right? I'm gonna get into the content here. And this is what kind of prompted me to create this show this week. So Julieta and I both shared some stories about getting calls from school, about our kids behaviour. She talked about, you know, her youngest, I talked about my oldest. And I work with a lot of parents who are in a lot of conversations with schools with teachers and administrators about their kids behaviour. And it can be exhausting and discouraging, especially when the school holds a consequence based mindset, right? And which kind of blows my mind actually, that that is still a thing because when I think about being a teacher, which I was many years ago, many years ago, it was so important to me to keep learning and growing to keep a better understanding kids and the environment that helps them thrive. I would do trainings anytime I could, like go to trainings to keep learning and man. I also get that the kids right now are really struggling and hurting and have mental health issues and high anxiety pandemic all the things they're being corralled into spaces where many of them don't want to be and staff members, teachers, para educators are all expected to play so many roles, right? Like not just teacher but you know, Counsellor, social worker, you know, disciplinarian,

Casey O'Roarty 09:55
I understand that. It can feel impossible For teachers, I get that. And I still think that we all are going to feel better in our work with young people if we keep a solution mindset, right? So I get a little discouraged when the teachers are like, Okay, your kid is disrupting my class, right? Your kids disrupting my class. So you need to lay down the law at home. And there's so many layers, right? There's so many layers that are happening for kids. That's their social perspective, right? How can I be safe in this environment? What does that look like? Who do I need to be to feel safe to feel connected to feel belonging? And that feels more of like a bigger poll, then? How does my teacher want me to behave? Right. And then there's kids who are not understanding the content, who have learning differences, and are anxious all day long as they think about walking into that class, there's the kids who know that the teachers do not like them, or have that perception, and they're walking into that environment, or there's kids that, you know, have sensory wiring, that the chaos of being in a space with 30 other adolescents is so much they're on high alert, their amygdala is just like ready to blow safety radar, you know, just calculating what's happening in the classroom, not to mention any trauma that they're walking in with, like, there's so many layers to the experiences our kids are having in the classroom. And the idea that all it takes is the parent at home saying, Hey, listen, you know what, math class, it's really just, it's important that you keep your body calm, that you listen, right? That you listen to the teacher, and you're not disruptive. So you need to do that. And if you can't do that, you know, you're grounded this weekend, all of those things that are happening under the surface for your kids are going to take precedence over your threat of grounding them or whatever. Yeah, if they don't comply. So it's tricky, right? And you get to decide how you show up for your kid. Right? When you do get that call when you do get that email, right? Yes, absolutely. We want to be allies and advocates for the teachers, I think we need to be, you know, grateful and gracious, while also taking a stand for our kids. They do things that get them in trouble. Right? We get a call from the school, or another parent, or maybe the police. What's the first thing that happens when I say that? Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed right now. Right? Like, even just thinking about getting these calls, makes my stomach get kind of queasy. And then we, in those moments of embarrassment, and disbelief, and maybe disgust depending on what it is that our kid has done, we turn towards them with all of that emotion intact. And what do we do? What do we do? We look at them and we say, how could you? What were you thinking? What the hell? Do you know how this makes me? Look? Why would you do this to our family? Right? Maybe we don't use those exact words. But we go on the attack, right, we are filled with guilt and shame. And then we're like, Ah, this doesn't feel good for me to hold. So I'm gonna pass it on. Because you're the person that actually created this situation that now I'm now a part of. So you need to feel it too. Right? They are ultimately the source of this embarrassment. And in order to appease the people who are calling, we need to let our kids know that what they've done is not okay. Right. And usually we do that in a blaming or shaming way we get really angry, we get really dysregulated I mean, I get that that's the feeling it's okay to have these feelings. Right? Like, oh, my god, again. I thought you were getting it together. I thought we were done with this behaviour. You know, like, how is it that you're the kid that's creating all the disruption? You know, I get that there's a lot of emotion that shows up when we get these reports from the schools, or coaches or, you know, whoever the adult is that's letting us in on our kids mischief. Of course, we're gonna feel emotional about it, but hold up, right, hold up, because laying it all on top of our kid in that moment when we're emotional, is not useful. Right, and it's not going to solve our problems

Casey O'Roarty 14:47
you know, sometimes whoever it is that's calling us, you know, depending on their delivery of the information, we might lash out at that person. That's the bearer of the bad news about our kids right further does disconnecting ourselves from the people that would be beneficial teammates on this journey of parenting our kids, right? And, man, we're already feeling plenty of self doubt, the last thing we need is for people to show up and pile on more. Right, I get it, I understand how heavy and complicated and annoying and exhausted exhausting all of this is. I get it. And I think that the grown ups can do a better job of navigating all of this, of navigating ourselves, so as to actually do a better job of solving, helping our kids solve whatever the problem is that they're having. That's making it difficult for them to show up well to life right now. Right. So what do we do? You have heard me talk a lot about seeing the teen in front of us, right? I feel like that's been like, my tagline lately, seeing the teen in front of us seeing the teen underneath the behaviour that they're displaying. It's like, imagining that there's a curtain and the curtain is made up of all the shit all the things all the behaviours, the discouragement, the disconnection, right? The fronting the armour, we could just like part that curtain, and behind that there's our kiddo, there's the solar, the essence of our kids. I know I say this a lot. And I'm gonna keep saying it, because I think we hear it differently every time. Right? So what do we do? We got apart those curtains, see the teen and connect with their strengths. And they have them. They have strengths, even that kiddo of yours, who you feel like oh, my gosh, they sleep till noon. They're, you know, perhaps using substances. They're not doing any homework. They're not helping out around the house. They're just taking up space. What do you mean, find their strengths? Well, I know it's stretchy. But remember that just because your child's strengths are dormant right now, doesn't mean that they've completely gone away. Right? Remember, when our kids were little, and we say your child's not being a problem, they're having a problem, right? The same is true. When we move into adolescence, the same is true, even for those of you that are listening who have like 1920 year olds, 21 year olds who are struggling to launch, right, they're not being a problem, they're having a problem. And your job is to help them uncover what it is that's holding them back and was in, they're having a hard time, their beliefs about themselves, how they fit in the world, whether or not they matter, that might be getting in the way for them. And if we're persistent and hard working, if they were persistent, and hardworking and resilient, before when they were younger, before, you know things took a turn, all of that still lives inside of them, which means they can tap back into it. They might need to be reminded of those skills and characteristics that are there. Right, they might need to be reminded of those strengths, and encouraged to be willing to animate them again. And you know, I know I talk a lot about my own kids, but I think a lot about Rowan, who you know, up until high school was really into school. She really enjoyed learning. She enjoyed going to school, you know, when she was eighth grade and eighth grade ninth grade for sure. She just got so blindsided by this increase in social anxiety. I mean, to the point, as you all know, where she had to completely opt out of life for a while, like a significant while. Those of you that listen to the podcast regularly, you know, I mean, she had a few years there, where it was pretty bleak. And you know, she's 21 she's getting ready to move into a new apartment, her second apartment, she's in college, she's recognising the places where she has gaps but she is enjoying learning. Right? She is rediscovering and re animating and has been for the last couple of years. The strength that the beginning of the development of those strengths happened when she was much younger. Right? They don't go away. They might go dormant, but they don't go away. Right. And I think it's really important for us as the caregivers, the parents, the adults in their lives, we get to be the reminders. We get to gently remind them that those strengths continue to exist in their body continue to exist for them to lean on. And I think, you know, when things go sideways, when our teens and not all teens, this isn't everybody, but I mean, if you're listening to this podcast, probably things go sideways in one way or the other, with your teens. And, you know, when teachers and administrators, when people, the adults in our kids lives, call us coaches, we, and you know, complain about our kids, we get to invite those people as well to reflect on our kids strengths, right. And it's an opportunity to encourage those adults to get to know our kids a bit better, if they can't name our kids strengths. I know that Ian has always done the best in school, when he's had a good relationship with the teacher like that makes such a difference in his behaviour, in his willingness to work hard. It's huge. And as a former teacher, you know, I taught elementary school, I didn't teach middle or high school where there's, you know, over 100 kids that you see, throughout the day, I had a smaller sample, I know that it takes time and effort to build relationship with each of the kids in the class. But it is a win for everyone, right? It's a win for everyone, when our kids know that the adult cares about them, and sees their strengths, and wants to be solution minded and connected, they're gonna show up differently in the classroom. And so what that means is, when we get called in to talk to the team, about our kiddo, we get to guide the conversation towards that, what is the solution? What does connection look like? How can we build the relationships between the adults in my kiddo in this building so that my kid can show up better? And everyone can, you know, do their job? So yeah, and you know, this isn't about like sugarcoating, or snow ploughing or rescuing our kids. This isn't about being a helicopter. This isn't about solving our kids problems for them. There's still accountability and amends and tough conversations when our kids have made a mistake, for sure. But we get to rally the troops that interact with our kids on the daily and make sure the come from is we are all on this kid's team. How can we stay solution focused? How can we make sure that my kid our kid, this kid feel seen in this process? Right, we get to be the advocate for our kids. And, you know, sometimes you're gonna run into adults that just are in their own resistance to that mindset. And they're really old school. And they might hold this idea that no, these are the rules, and your kid doesn't follow them. So there's consequences? Well, yeah, sometimes those people exist. And we get to help our kids recognise that that's real and relevant, and what are they going to do? Right? How are they going to make it so this adult isn't the one that's influencing the experience our kids are having? Where can our kid take some power? And by taking power, I don't mean like being super disruptive. Right? So this week, I listened to a webinar with Dr. John Duffy, who you've already heard me mention, I think I talked about him last week, I've talked about him on my social media. I've talked about him in my emails, I'm kind of obsessed with his book rescuing our sons, and he's coming on the podcast. Later in the spring. I'm so excited. One of the many nuggets that he shared during this webinar was how important it is to make sure your kids know that you are crazy about them. Do your kids know that? Do they really know that you are crazy about them? Do they believe that being crazy about them comes with the condition that they're doing the right things, or succeeding or performing a certain way? Are you not sure if you're not sure, ask them. They'll tell you, you'll probably learn some things about their perception of you. So be prepared.

Casey O'Roarty 24:21
But I think when we keep our language strength based, we really send that message of hey, man, I'm crazy about you. You know, like, I love you. I love you no matter what I love you, even though you're going through this hard thing, man, this is a hard thing. And it must feel so shitty to have me walk in here and say that, you know your teacher called or the principal called. And I'm just really curious about what's going on. Because I see you as someone who wants to have a really good life. And I see Your strengths. And it seems like they're missing, right? What's getting in the way here? What's making this class hard or being at school hard? Right? Keeping your language strength based with your kids is so powerful, right? And here's some things you can do to kind of increase your practice here and increase your vocabulary around naming strengths, right? In your next family meeting. Like how I assume that you're all having family meetings, and your next family meeting, invite everyone during the compliment time, instead of doing compliments. invite everyone to name three strengths of each family member, including themselves. And if you don't do family meetings, then just invite it the next time you're all around the table. normalise talking about strengths, right? Ian is obsessed with rappers and bodybuilders, I get to hear all about rappers and bodybuilders. And so my plan is to start sliding in the question of what do you think that guy's biggest strength is? Right? He'll probably mention an external thing like, well, he's got a lot of money, or he can bench you know, 375 pounds, but I'm going to guide him back to like, personal characteristics, right? And even if ands like, I don't know, or is unsure, like, What do you mean, it's going to be a great opening to talk about personal characteristics, right? And, you know, to just plant those seeds for him to be considering and recognising the strengths and others. And, you know, connecting dots back to what, what are his strengths, right? Because we want I think our kids to be able to really recognise what their strengths are. I think there's a self worth and a value and self esteem when we start to recognise like, No, I'm coming to the table with some stuff, like I've have something to offer, whether it's, you know, time to interview for a job or apply for college or whatever, right? Like, when we know our strengths, we just, you know, I'm like sitting up higher and pulling my shoulders back, we can show up in confidence, right? And in that really healthy, attractive confidence. Were like, yeah, I belong here. I matter, right? And I'm going to draw people in and towards me, because I am grounded in my worth. I think that's amazing, right? Getting better at naming strengths also helps us with encouragement, we get to offer authentic, empowering encouragement, when we say things like, thank you so much for your kindness. I know it meant a lot to your grandma to get that hug from you. And actually, I sent a text to my nephew, just this week saying this, thank you for your willingness to have hard conversations, right? Like, I noticed that you are able to talk about your emotions. And you know, not everybody's comfortable doing that. But it seems like your emotional intelligence has really developed. And that's going to support you in relationships. As you move forward, I noticed how you get really invested in things that are interesting to you, and you can really focus in, right, it takes a lot of hard work and courage to get your driver's licence and you are doing it, you're so close. And this might not be how we're used to talking to our kids. So like I said, it's going to take practice, it's going to take commitment, it's going to take intention, right like every day, I'm going to look for an opportunity to make some kind of statement about a strength that I'm seeing in my kid or maybe three times a week, I'm going to work on that and do it.

Casey O'Roarty 29:07
And if it's hard for you to identify a strength right now, I encourage you to look a little deeper, pay a little bit more attention, right? Spend more time with your kiddo and get to know them better. their strengths are there and if you can't name them, how are they supposed to even know their strengths exist for them to lean on? Right? And they really need to lean on their strength, especially if they're having a hard time. That's what they're going to, you know, pile up and stand on top of to get out of this energetic hole that they might be finding themselves in. So there's that and then there's also like, our strengths, you have strength, right? You're an incredible parents. You show up here you take in information you're learning and growing yourself. Like what are your strengths, right? Tell me about your strengths. Because back to guilt and shame and self doubt, right? We get to grow through this journey by leaning on our strengths, and developing them and nurturing them and remembering that they exist. Right. And so how do we do that? How do we do that? It comes back to presence, I think. And Julieta does, too. She talked about this on the pod on Monday, right? It's that first move, recognising woof. I'm in self doubt, or I feel really guilty or I feel ashamed, right? Or I feel really angry or I'm embarrassed, whatever is happening. Like, wow, I am being flooded by an emotion. That does not feel good. And then we get to soften like, okay, all right, there it is. I feel angry. I like the word soften you guys because like when I think about, get that hit of anger, it's so tight and tense, right? Can I be angry and like, pull my shoulders back and soften my fronts and softened my jaw? Can I be angry? What happens to anger, or shame or embarrassment? When I soften into it, I let it be there. But also, like, loosen the physical experience of it. Notice what happens, right? When we soften, we can expand our experience and recognise Yeah, you know what? It makes sense that I feel this way. And it's okay that I feel this way. This is an indicator that what is happening, this news, this information, this behaviour, it matters to me, right? That's what these strong emotions are telling us. This is something that matters to me. So there's a slowing down, we get to slow down to recognise where we're at, right? And then we get to be with it soften, breathe into it, slow down the accompanying thoughts, right. And man, our ego. And when I talk about ego, ego in this context is more about like that surface self that surface self talk, versus the deeper, more conscious more thoughtful self, the ego self, that self. It's not so useful. It's loud, right? It's loud, and it's selfish. And it's just obnoxious. Like, the ego is not so useful. So in this practice, and this process of like, okay, I'm feeling these feelings, I'm gonna slow it down. I'm gonna soften. I'm gonna recognise when I'm thinking to slow that down. Ego is like, oh, no, you gotta stay pissed. They need to know that your pets, they need to know, right? Anything that they need to know, is ego. Unless we're replacing it with, they need to know how loved they are. Right? They need to know they're not alone. That's that higher self talking, but they need to know that they did the wrong thing. They need to know how pissed I am. That's ego talking. So we got to pacify the ego, right? It's going to be okay, I'm safe. I'm having an emotional experience. Thank you ego, calm down, I can handle this. Again, releasing our shoulders, releasing our jaw released the ego as well. When I start to kind of adjust my body to be in a more present grounded, physical state, I can kind of suppress pacify that ego. And listen, for those of you who are listening right now are like he or she goes on this woowoo stuff, and dismissing this as not important. How's that working out for you? Right? Because presence, and consciousness is everything. It's everything for all of the relationships in our lives. It's everything in our parenting, in our romantic relationships. If we are leaders in a boardroom, it's everything being present and connected to self and able to separate from this overly emotional attached ego and drop into our higher self changes our lives, right in all the places. So get over whether or not you think this is woowoo and just stay with me. Okay, because if you are courageous enough to take a real inventory of how present you are in your life, and make some adjustments, it will make a difference. Right when you start to look at your level of self awareness, your willingness to be self aware and make some adjustments and expand those skills. It's gonna make a difference in your life. Speaking of self awareness, when I talk about self awareness, I am assuming that you know what I'm talking about when I use that phrase, which I don't know how many of you know what I'm talking about. So I was on a call last night, self awareness came up. And somebody did mention, like, I'm not really sure what that means the practice of self awareness. So I don't want to assume, here's what I mean, when I talk about self awareness, it is that inner exploration. Right? Self awareness is being aware of why we respond the way we respond, why we believe the things we believe in why we feel, the way that we feel in any given moment. Self awareness, is letting go of being right. And having the only valid perspective and dropping into curiosity and openness and possibility. Self awareness is really the study of who we are. It is amazing to me how many people seem to be moving through life, on that auto pilot reactive, bulldozer way of doing this human experience.

Casey O'Roarty 36:23
It seems awful, right? I think it is so fascinating and so useful and so meaningful, to take a look at how we are showing up in the world, for ourselves, for the people that we love our partners, our kids, the people that we work with our friends, I want to continue to grow and evolve. And we can't do that without self awareness. Self awareness is growing that outside observer, oh, look, there I am getting really freaked out. This was me last night. Speaking of self awareness, so my 18 year old he went to hang out with somebody yesterday for this sunset, and he was like, we're going to watch the sunset and then I'll be home later. Later. operative word, okay. So you know, seven o'clock rolls around, and I'm like, Hey, dude, you know, it's dark out. What's your plan? And he says, I don't know, when do you want me home? And I said, Well, eight o'clock feels good. You know, you have an early start at school tomorrow. Calculus is your first class. You haven't eaten eight o'clock feels good. This is overtaxed, and he says, How about nine o'clock? And I'm like, God, sure. He said, I'll come home. I'll be home by nine. I'll eat. I'll be in bed by 10am. Like, okay, thinking to myself, like, yeah, we'll see how that works out. And then guess what? He was home 15 minutes late. We don't have like a set curfew in our house. It's not a thing that we do. But we like talk about, well, what's going on when you got going on tomorrow? What makes sense? And then we land on something. Sometimes my kids don't meet that deadline. And there's a tonne of things that get me riled up. But there's something about that, that just pisses me off. It's like a switch. And I just am like my hackles are raised in disbelief and disgust. How dare you. We agreed to this, I actually want to do home at eight. Right? So I'm getting all like, oh, god dammit. This is something we dealt with last spring too. So oh, God, I was so irritated. And I was like, okay, Casey, look at you. You're freaking out, calm down. Calm down. The biggest thing is just to solve this, like, what is the problem? The problem is, he's not following through with what he said he was going to do. And I'm taking it personally. So I decided, You know what, I'm kind of griping about it to his dad. I'm like, You know what, when he gets home, I'm gonna just enthusiastically say, you know, tell me about your hangout. Tell me everything. Right? Where do you go? Would you see how was it, you know? And then I'm going to move into so what do we got to do in these, like micro agreements that we make on the fly about when you're supposed to be home? How can we make it so that you follow through with what you say you're going to do? And just knowing that I had that plan helped me when he walked in the door, be softer. And guess what he did tell me all about his hangout. He was very open. And I love that right. And I did go to Yeah, and this really bugs me when this happens. Right and we got to talk about that too. So self awareness last night helps me maintain relationship while also, you know, working through some confident authority and having a tough conversation and feeling like he was engaged in it. It wasn't just me raging on him, how dare you, you never follow through, which is not true, but would have been language that I use. And him just tuning me out and not having things be different next time. Instead, we were connected. We had a conversation about it. And I feel better about next time now, is he going to be on time next time? I don't know, probably not. But we can talk about it. I can move through experiences like that. And in the end not feel guilty or ashamed that once again, I flew off the handle, right. It's like, I talked about the free train, right? If you're new, you can go back to the summer 2023 shows all the solo shows, were me reading through my book. And you know, I use this metaphor throughout the whole book around the motional free train. And like last night, the train was in the station, the train was like, Alright, great. Get on, let's go, let's go. And the emotional freight train takes you to that place where you lose your shit. And you say things and do things that later on, you got to make, right? Because you're out of your mind, you're letting your emotions drive. So the train was in the station idling, I could feel it, it definitely was enticing. But I chose something different. Right. And it mattered. So yeah, I've kind of been all over the place today on the podcast, I hope this was useful. I really appreciate all of you, thank you for listening. So homework, right. And I want to say thank you to those of you in the Facebook group who are starting to respond to my homework prompts, it is so satisfying to go in there and see that some of you are like, Oh, here's what I took away. And here's what I'm gonna practice. I think it's really useful in your personal practice of taking this information and then integrating it into your life to have this space of reflection. And it also serves to be really satisfying for me because I get to hear and see how you are making sense of what I'm bringing you. So here's your homework. What are your takeaways from this show? Like, what are the nuggets today? I know I kind of went all over the place that spoke most to you. Number two, how are you speaking to your child's strengths? And if that's new, how are you going to practice? Right? And then finally, number three, what are you committed to doing to practice more presence and or self awareness moving forward? So those are the prompts. They're going to be in the Facebook group when this episode goes live. So check the link in the show notes. I'm gonna make sure it's in there. You can tap on the link, and it'll take you straight to the post. And yeah, that's it for me today. I am so grateful that you listen and then that you care about the content. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And if you have a little bit of time, maybe swing on into Apple podcast into the app and leave a five star review. Let people know what you value from the show. I would really appreciate it. Alright, that's it for me today. All the love all the love all the love. I'll see you next week.

Casey O'Roarty 43:30
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my spreadable partners. Julieta and Ilana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at beat sprout double.com tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.

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