Eps 465: Being intentional – The Art of Connected Parenting, part 4

Episode 465

Join Alanna Beebe, Julietta Skoog, & Casey O’Roarty, the three founders of Sproutable, as we dig deeper into finding the why of the work we do.  This week, we’re talking about goals & intentional parenting. 

Now that we’ve had a chance in the series to talk about our own parenting stories, touched on what’s going on with the fear, shame, & guilt that we all feel, and shared some tips for being okay with the messiness of parenting, now we can dig into being an intentional parent and defining our parenting goals. 

There’s lots we can do to control kids – yes, punishment can work short term.  But we want to do better than that – we want to be intentional, conscious parents.  We have to step back and ask, “Why are we doing this?  What’s my goal here?  What’s my long-term intention?  What do I want to bring to life in this interaction?”  It all comes back to teaching and skill-building.  

Remember the adult life-skills & characteristics we’re hoping our kids will have so they can realize their true, best selves.  That is how we set those goals & our intentions. 

Alanna shares the perspective shift that helped her and her kiddo get out the door in the morning, Julietta shares how her family solved an after-school-care issue, & Casey shares a recent misstep she had with her adult daughter, Rowan, and how she repaired. 

Most of our interactions with our kids aren’t particularly intentional – it’s about the times when it really matters.  This doesn’t come easily to any of us!  There are no short-cuts here, but it doesn’t have to be perfect.  

We wrap up this week pondering on when your parenting partner (or friends, or child(ren)’s teachers, coaches, etc.) aren’t on the same page about your intentions. 

Guest Description 

Alanna Beebe is a certified Positive Discipline Educator. She has 15+ yrs in public health & early learning communications, and equity & social justice policy development. She is a current board member of FoxBox, helping families in long-term hospital stays. She is a former board member for WACAP (now HoltInternational.org), international and domestic adoption and foster placement agency.

Julietta Skoog is a Certified Positive Discipline Advanced Trainer with an Ed.S Degree in School Psychology and a Masters Degree in School Counseling with over 20 years of experience helping families in schools and homes. She draws from her real life practical experience working with thousands of students with a variety of needs and her own three children to parent coaching, bringing a unique ability to translate research, child development and Positive Discipline principles into everyday parenting solutions. Her popular keynote speeches, classes, and workshops have been described as rejuvenating, motivating, and inspiring.

Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed, is a facilitator of personal growth and development. For the last 15 years, her work has encouraged parents to discover the purpose of their journey, and provided them with tools and a shift of mindset that has allowed them to deepen their relationship with themselves and their families. Casey is a Positive Discipline Lead Trainer and Coach. She hosts the Joyful Courage podcast, parenting summits, live and online classes, and individual coaching. Her book, Joyful Courage: Calming the Drama and Taking Control of YOUR Parenting Journey was published in May 2019. Casey lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband, and two teenagers.

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Takeaways from the show

  • Clarifying what your goal is 
  • Discipline means to teach 
  • We can’t control outcomes, but we can be intentional in our actions & what we bring to the dynamic 
  • “What does this moment need?” 
  • Sometimes we’re the ones in the way of what needs to be taught 
  • Willingness lives inside of intentionality 
  • Creating a family charter 
  • This is a long-term game – no quick fixes in parenting 
  • What about when our parenting partner or village have different goals than we do? 
  • You’re not the only person who will teach your child 
  • Experiences are how kids grow

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kids, parent, intentionality, intention, intentional, parenting, rowan, goal, talk, relationship, practice, friends, teach, family, school, feeling, opportunity, week, live, love
Julietta Skoog, Alanna Beebe, Casey O'Roarty

Casey O'Roarty 00:03
Hey everybody, welcome to the joyful courage podcast a place for information and inspiration on the parenting journey. Just wanted to give you a heads up that from now until the 11th of March, the podcast is being taken over, we've got a limited series happening, you're going to hear about it in just a moment, the art of connected parenting so still the same deep value that you get every Monday here on the joyful coach podcast, but we will be sharing the limited series art of connected parenting for the next little while. And the good news is this limited series is good for all parents, young kids all the way through the teen years. So check it out and enjoy

Casey O'Roarty 00:56
Hey, everybody, welcome back to the podcast series The Art of connected parenting where the founders of spreadable are coming together to talk about the power of up leveling, how we think about and understand our role and relationships with our kids just remind you of who we are. I'm Casey O'Doherty, host of the joyful courage podcast positive discipline lead trainer mom adolescent Lead here at Sprout edible and with me are Alana BB, our Managing Director, brilliant, thoughtful mama and positive discipline parent educator as well. And my friend and colleague Julieta Skoog, also a mom, the early years lead here and positive discipline trainer, we are so excited to continue to dig into all the places with all of you, thank you for being here and listening. In last episode, we dug into shifting perspective and embracing imperfection, embracing the messiness of this practice. This week, we're talking about getting clear on what is my goal here? So who wants to start us off by giving some context to that question? What is my goal? When would we ask that question? Why would we ask that question?

Alanna Beebe 02:13
So I think, for me, just to kind of bring us along this process that we've been going through through this podcast series, you know, it's like this evolutionary arc, you know, like, as we're thinking about how we want to be a parent. First, we have to figure out what our own story is in parenting, like, how was our childhood? How are we showing up? What are the things that we're bringing with us? What are the things we want to you know, let go of all that kind of stuff. And then going through this process that we were talking about in the earlier ones of being like, oh, my gosh, what is my fear and shame and guilt? What is that, and then moving beyond that to, oh, this is messy, I can be okay with it. And then once we can do that, then we can start saying, Oh, it's messy, and I can still be intentional, I still have a goal, I can still have this forward thinking idea of where I want to go from here, you know, because as we talked about in positive discipline, you know, discipline, meaning to teach coming from Latin root, that means to teach that it is this opportunity to teach something, and we are teachers, as parents. And so there is a learning and a student opportunity, we get to be a student and a teacher at the same time. And there's, you know, this give and take, and that's a beautiful moment. But really, it's about being an intentional teacher, as a parent for me. Mm

Julietta Skoog 03:32
hmm. Yeah, the intention and the goal within just to add on to that, yes, Alana. And the idea that there's a lot that we can do that can just stop something, or in the messiness of it, you know, our attempt to control or just like, make a behavior stop. And so but when we go deeper with the intention, when we really think about the bigger goal, the bigger why, like, what's our why, what's in it for me, we talked about this a lot in the beginning of the class, like, why are we here? Why did we sign up that bigger question within it? As a parent, why are we doing this?

Casey O'Roarty 04:11
What's your way? Why did I have?

Julietta Skoog 04:16
Right? I need a really, what is the goal here? What's the intention? And so when we can really step back by embracing, as you said, Alana, by embracing the messiness embracing imperfections, dropping out of that shame or guilt, then that's where the fun begins, we're gonna be like, Okay, what's our endgame here? What's our law? You know, our long term intention?

Casey O'Roarty 04:37
Yeah. I appreciate both of those thoughts, those perspectives when I think about it, too, there's something around for me, I can't control the outcome, right. I can't control how the other person is going to perceive me, but I can be intentional in what I bring to the dynamic I can be intentional around how my actions create something, a way of being an energy, a quality inside of the relationship that I have with my kids. So when I think about what is my goal here? I know for me, it goes to what do I want to create energetically? What are the qualities I want to animate and bring to life in this interaction with our kiddos? And, yeah,

Alanna Beebe 05:29
and I think there's this, you know, idea, you know, we live in this, like positive parenting kind of umbrella, you know, positive parenting, gentle parenting, whatever you want to say, conscious parenting. And I think, you know, there's a lot of emphasis on, you know, being kind and being connected and allowing the process to happen. And we just talked about that for a whole episode. And it's not enough, you still have to teach, you know, we can't expect our kids to learn emotional regulation skills by just being like, Oh, they're having a tantrum. It's great. I love it. I'm so happy now in the space of tantrum, you know, right. Like, that's part of the process. But this is the work, you know, this is the practice the opportunity that, you know, the skill building, you know, and that's, it's so

Julietta Skoog 06:10
important. Yeah, I totally agree. And for me in the moment, it's, what does this moment need, you know, to have that kind of responsive intention? It takes it all into account, you know, is it the relationship? Is it the energy shift? Is it that really specific teaching, practicing firmness, follow through? What does it need right now, so that, to me is like the goal or the intention isn't necessarily yes, that I'll come. But it's this commitment to seeing all in what's what is what is needed right now.

Casey O'Roarty 06:42
And I love how that brings in, like, we get to be really intentional with that. And it's a practice as we've been, that word just keeps coming up over and over and all of these conversations, and so I have a story. A recent story of not being intentional, and having to do a little cleanup. So as listeners are catching on, I'm the one with the older kids. And my oldest is actually 20. She's not even a teenager anymore. It's so weird. And by the time this comes out, she might be 21, which is really wild. Recently, I found out a little tidbit of information that really freaks me out, you know, she lives on her own, she is making her choices, her life choices, which we want them to do. That's the goal at age 20. Right? And I found out about one that I was less than excited about. Right, I was less and I thought to myself, Okay, I'm gonna have a conversation with her about this. I want to land just like personal values and boundaries and health and well being, I need to make sure that I'm really regulated and intentional when I talk to her about it. So I had that I did have that thought. And then like, less than 24 hours later, I happened to be on the phone with her. And I was like, I'm going in. And I wasn't I didn't do any of the things that I had planned. Right. I went in with, like, how could you worry thinking a lot of judgment, you know, a lot of judgment to the point where she was finally like, Okay, I gotta go, like peace out, pull back that talking to you about this, you can't handle this. And yeah, so that's an example of going in. And I'll follow up later on how I cleaned that up. But, you know, even with the best of intentions, sometimes, you know, you get caught up in the moment, and that conditioning, that fear, all the stuff shows up, it gets in the way, and you don't actually bring what you want. And what I created instead of like, you know, critical thinking and thoughtfulness and reflection, I created disconnection, you know, she told me later sick, that was hurtful, and irritating. So and that was on me and how I brought that energy into the conversation. So I'm really excited for us to talk more about this because I think it is so so so important for all of our kids that parents be ever more intentional and thoughtful about how we respond. That's a

Julietta Skoog 09:15
common human response of just Yeah, we have the best of intentions. And then you get the moment and then it just goes sideways. You can hear the words coming out of your mouth. And you're like, that's not what I was going. Yeah. Stop driving the train

Alanna Beebe 09:30
over there. Yeah, yeah.

Julietta Skoog 09:32
Well, and I do think I mean, one of the ways that we anchor the beginning of any conversation with parents, is this idea of first listing out the challenges to really highlight what stage and age you're in, and to normalize that list of challenges. And then to immediately say, when we imagine them at the age of 25, and you're getting close here and up there. What are those life skills and characteristics and qual qualities that we hope that our kids will have not to mold them into this perfect human being that we really want it to be and to live out our, you know, lost opportunities through them. But what are those things that we hope that they have in order for them to realize their best self, their true self, their true essence and all of us have within that? So in that way, that really is where we say, All right, that's the goal. That's the intention right there. Unless, yeah, no,

Casey O'Roarty 10:26
yeah. Talk about your stories. Tell me

Alanna Beebe 10:29
what I was thinking in your story. I'm gonna lead into mine. But the connection is, there's so many things we do every day with our kids constantly. That is not intentional. Oh, yeah. You know, it's we kind of live in that world most of the time, because it's honestly, it's exhausting. It's exhausting to do. So be intentional in every interaction and every moment of the day. It's impossible for robots, okay. So it's about the times when it matters when it comes up, you know, when you see it, because there are many things that we do that we probably could watch in a video and go, Oh, I could do that differently, and, you know, be different. So here's my story. The reason why this is important. So what I probably did for like, an entire year, or longer, maybe it was Aspen's entire life. Who knows. And this came up in towards the end of kindergarten, was every morning was the rush out the door was like, Okay, we gotta get going. Come on, let's do this. Whoa, right. And I have all the tools, right, I did the transition tricks. I made it fun. I made it silly. I, you know, did all of these things and connection and fun, and it was exhausting. And every time at the end, it was like this rush to get out the door. You know, we're always running late. So I thought I was doing everything. Okay. And then my dad came to visit. And I see my dad doing exactly this inner stress of him being like, we gotta go, we gotta go. We gotta go. Come on us, man, Bobo, and he's walking to school with me. And I'm like, Dad, this is part of our routine that we have this much time to get to school, because Aspen likes to pick up sticks and rocks and do this. And we rub Buddha's belly on the way at the neighbor's house. And this is what we do is part of our process. We do not need to rush we have the time we created that space for this, you know, and I'm like, my daddy's there, nothing. Totally judging him. And then my dad leaves. And I we go through this process, again, where we get to this like Rush stage, you know, getting to school, in essence, just like, Mom, it's so stressful when you're like rushing me and I'm like, Well, if you would just like move along, then we wouldn't be rushed. And we would just get to school. And I realized finally, right after a year, I thought it was being intentional. I wasn't right. And the shift was not the things that I was doing, you know, the like transition tricks, the blah, blah, blah. The intentionality for me, it was really I needed to let go of the stress of being on time. Yes, I just needed to let go of it completely. And once I let go of that, we haven't had a rash. We haven't had a stressful morning. We haven't. You know, this reminds me

Casey O'Roarty 13:01
of marriage counseling right now. Yeah.

Alanna Beebe 13:05
Yeah, rarely letting go about the relationships. So my intentionality in that was not about what I needed to teach Aspen. Yeah, right. It was about what I needed to teach myself and like, let go of for myself, and how you wanted to feel and how I wanted to feel how I feel I want to be stressed out. I was like, why am I doing this to myself?

Julietta Skoog 13:25
I just, I really relate. I mean that I used to have this moment where I would open up the door. And it was like that feeling of like, oh, gosh, I'm here. And I just decided I don't want to feel that way. Yeah, you know, whatever it takes to get her out of that bunk bed because I can't drag her out. Which was gonna be Hi, Leona. It's all male teacher, but yes, I feel it's that feeling that intention doesn't have to be a life skill, right as a matter of just intention, right.

Alanna Beebe 14:06
And then there's also life skills for Aspen. Right, but then as soon as I could get out of that, then there wasn't this like disconnect between us anymore. So then the intentionality around like timing and what we need to do and what's coming next, then that teaching happened, right? Because I wasn't getting in the way of it anymore. Yes. Right. Yes. And so that's that piece. Like sometimes there's your own work and teaching yourself and being intentional. But also if you aren't fully on board, right, you're still getting in your own way. Yeah. So

Julietta Skoog 14:37
I will share mine, which is the story from a few years ago when my two older kids shared the same after school. They went to different schools, both our neighborhood public schools, but they were a different ones. Each one had a different program. So my kindergartner would take the bus after school to her third grade sisters. School where the after school program was and then we after work would go pick them up. And so that's kind of a big thing for a kindergartner to get on the bus, go across the neighborhood and then go to this school where her big sister has all her friends at this after school care, and hang out for a couple hours. So, you know, like with any working parents, like we're juggling a whole lot and just trying to get the systems and I go and she's in kindergarten, so I also had a baby at home. Also, there's a lot of moving parts. And I get a message from the after school program that says, if you can encourage VI, that kindergartener to branch out and make some of her own friends, that would be great. She's just kind of getting in her big sister's way. And I was like, Huh, that's an interesting phrase. Tell me more, because that's weird. My she's super social. She's got a ton of friends at school. What do you mean, if she like in the corner, dig deep, dig deep, dig deeper, come to find out, she's rolling in. And the big sister is saying, Don't look at me, don't hang out with me and my friends, go find your own friends. Go make your own friends. So here's this kid being like, Man, I just spent all day kindergarten. Now I gotta like, bust into this new after school program to make my own friends and get my own space. And then I have this after school counselor being like Sofia, she could just do that. Well, I'm

Casey O'Roarty 16:23
thinking middle child watching her middle child. Yeah, that's

Julietta Skoog 16:29
exactly right, middle child, middle child. So all the things came up. So definitely did not come in with, you know, a calm, like, what is my goal and intention here. But I had enough practice that it was in the muscle memory to just say, hey, let's get in the ring. Let's figure this out what's really happening, you know, as a family, the baby in the middle to what's going on? And then bring it back to what is our goal here? What is the goal for our family? And also, I really appreciate you saying, like, people think it's just kind of being permissive or kind or nice or just be awesome. We weren't also like, I don't know, girls, what do you think, you know, John, and I were like, brought the firmness. Hey, what's the plan here? What's the goal? What are you there to learn. So also bringing in that perspective, to say, if VI was not doing a great job at school, either are having a tough time making friends, this could be very well a great opportunity for extra practice. But she's good. That kid is like a social butterfly, you know, she need any more practice. What they needed practice with was their relationship, and their loyalty and their friendship. And this pattern, which had come up time and time again, and our family meetings around the younger one, wanting to be friends wanting to hang up making bids for connection? And how do you either accept the bid or say, I see you, I see that that's a bid. And I'm doing my own thing right now. And how about this later? How about right? Give them hope, give them hope. So we just really leaned into this idea that this is where you get to practice being sisters, you're not at school all day, actually, like other siblings are. Yeah, and I do think, you know, you save the middle child looking into the older one. But I also have a really awesome relationship with my younger sister in the sense that I was a senior when she was a freshman three years apart, just like Justin by, but opposite where I was the older with her. So in high school and in college, and the love that we have, you know, today that that bond, I can still feel as if we were in elementary school and seeing each other on campus and running and give each other a really big hug. And I also know that that grows, that takes time that takes opportunity and requires being the space just like anyone in any relationship, you got to hang with them, you know, you got to put in the time to put in the time, right? So and here. They were in different schools, we're you know, we're all overscheduled soccer, there's another baby, I'm like, Guess what, this is your time you get to practice. So that was our sort of real outcome brought you right to the end. But we really said this circle and just as a family, we'd had a family charter, we talked about, you know, what are how do we want to feel at home? And so in order to do that, what are the things that we do for each other, and that was part of it. And so we went back to that charter and said, what's important, so we're gonna start practicing,

Casey O'Roarty 19:10
we're gonna come back to the family charter conversation, but I have to say what you just reminded me of that I forgot about was when So Ian and Rowan had the same spread as your to in school. And when he started kindergarten, and when they were at the same elementary school, he Rowan would sit by him on the bus. And I just remember as she got older, and she was like, I don't want to sit with him and he was fine at school. Like he was fine. He and his friends. He didn't have any issues. But he was adamant about sitting with Roland on the bus, which may have had to do with Rowan, it may have had to do just with his draw to like Rowan's whole cohort of friends and everything. But the idea that we would say listen, and you know, you gotta give Rowan some space, he would just he would lose his mind. And so in the end, it was like, You know what, you're the big sister In, you get to look out for your little brother. And it's not always going to be like this. And second up, buttercup. We didn't say that. But I forgot all about that. And it was so sweet. It was just so sweet. The way that Ian loved and loves continues to love his big sister, yes.

Julietta Skoog 20:15
Well, and frankly, she

Casey O'Roarty 20:17
was kind of like, wow, okay, whatever gave

Julietta Skoog 20:19
that space. I don't know if this was the case for I mean, Rowan was so sweet. But it turned out the other side of the story was that Joseph was getting this kind of peer pressure from these other kids who were like, That's a baby sister, like go ditch her go to identidad. So that actually opened up that opportunity to build this skill for just to be like, actually, only I got to talk shit about my sister. My sister, yeah. And build that assertive and confident skills that really trickled down to that particular relationship that she really got that lesson early on. And this is actually isn't a great relationship or friend for me,

Casey O'Roarty 20:53
right? Yeah. Yeah. That's come up recently, with Rowan and Ian and a friend of hers. So it never goes. I mean, it's, there's the opportunities are always there. Yeah. Okay, that was all a side note. Thank you for that. So let's talk a little bit more about intentionality, what it means to you, I feel like there's a space for willingness lives inside of intentionality as well. I just want to tease that apart. And you can talk about the charter, a family charter, don't make us all feel bad. Those of us that don't have one.

Alanna Beebe 21:30
Student Juliet, flip chart, your wall, laminated, laminated gold dust.

Julietta Skoog 21:41
Glitter, there are a lot of piles of dirty laundry around. I mean, I think there's space for intention is there's an energy around that, right? There's an energy component. There's also I think about it in terms of the encouragement lens where there's so much nonverbal to, you know, do your eyes light up when they walk in the room? Do you really hold this? How do you hold space for the other humans that you are with? That's what comes up for me

Alanna Beebe 22:13
trying to figure out a different angle? Well, even you know, think about

Casey O'Roarty 22:16
to like that whole, you know, what it requires to be in the mindset of, what is my goal here?

Julietta Skoog 22:25

Alanna Beebe 22:27
I see. You're saying? Yeah, I mean, the big piece for me is just how fast paced life is constantly. And we are taught, I think, through society, where we live, that quick fixes are a thing, you know, that I just want the quick fix, like the marketing thing on Instagram, the posts, the bubble, bloggers are fixed to the problem you have here to fix the problem. You have point? Yeah, major pain points make you feel the same way, here's gonna fix it, you know, yeah, and there's a formula, right, and this is one of those things that, you know, we sit in the discomfort of that, as business owners, you know, just to be honest about, we're not going to fix your problems with your kids, you know, that's not the goal here, right. And I think that we get so stuck in that kind of mentality that we miss this opportunity for the intentionality of the goal setting and the, you know, like the plan of where we want to go, because that's a long term perspective, you know, and we have to sit in the long term perspective, if we really want to really teach these skills, right. And it's hard to think about how you start two, or three or four, that's why we have Julieta, to tell us how to scaffold these things. But laminator laminator really leave you, you know, you want to, you know, instill the sense of like responsibility and independence and you know, family relationships, like sibling love and connection. That's all these little things all along the way. So you keep kind of anchoring back to that as like this moment pulling in that or not, but you have to think in the long term, because if you're just looking for the quick fix, then that goal setting isn't going to solve anything for you. You know, that's all going to be just about you, how am I going to get comfortable immediately, you know,

Casey O'Roarty 24:07
right. And the quick fix makes brings me back to the iceberg. Right? It's that chipping away at the iceberg. And I tease you however, and I want to also share for all of us that don't have a charter laminated on the wall. Like that's okay, too. But you're such it's something that I love about you is you're like this, and I love it when you tell me about when things go sideways makes me so happy. Because there are so many other pieces are so like you're very not regimented, but super committed to really teaching your kids the skills and really going back and practicing and practicing and role playing. And I think we talk about it, but I know that I could have done I mean we all have our own style inside of this model, right? So I'm not going to talk shit about myself. But and I really Appreciate that. And it doesn't have to be perfect. It's just like intentionality means like, even just saying, being able, I remember saying this, like, we make it right in our house. Yeah,

Julietta Skoog 25:10
thank you for saying that, because I think that's where I go with it is, when your intention is this, like, we're gonna have healthy relationships, but just healthy, we're just gonna have healthy relationships. And that requires a whole lot of different things like communication, respect, and problem solving. And all these things, responsibility, independence, healthy coping skills, like all of those things, when the intention is there as just a driver, then it's almost like for me, I noticed when I would be easy to not, it would be easy to let it go, it'd be easy to cite, it would be easy to, you know, just this time. And so the commitment or even I think of it as a little bit of that discipline, or just like that, you know, and maybe follow that follow through, it's just that part where those are almost the moments that register for me, oh, this matters, because I want to check out right now, I want to just let that go or whatever, and I'm not lying,

Casey O'Roarty 26:09
I can feel that I thank you for stating that. Because like I feel I can feel that. Like, I don't want to get up. I don't want to deal with this. And then it's like a weight of

Julietta Skoog 26:21
just why I should write or I don't want to like we're in the middle of watching a movie, and something crunchy comes up, you know, maybe it's something like that reinforces a stereotype or for anything, and I think to myself, that would be a good moment, but it's kind of I'm just you know, enjoying my family. I'm off right now. But I'm trying

Casey O'Roarty 26:42
to watch Goonies

Julietta Skoog 26:47
too. Like, you know, I do and then I'm like, Oh, see, that's when it would just be easy. Press pause. Yeah. What do you notice? And they do a little bit of like, mom, okay, we noticed that's like a stereotypical neighborhood. That's like, saying, you know, oh, now that they've gone back, suddenly, it's a bad neighborhood and what that means and what do you see in the characters, but there it's like, you know what, yeah, then there's an engagement. There's some energy there. It's like, totally, we had someone pick up from a playdate yesterday, this grandmother and they, and she came into our house to help with the change that the kiddo into soccer often and she goes, Oh, there's a lot of feelings in this house. And I'm, like, so embarrassed. There's our feelings at all, there's like the feelings phases all around. And then I hear Leona and be like, Yeah, that's what we do. You know, at the end of our family meetings, that's when we all pick a feeling that we're gonna, like, reflect on for the week. This week, it's all about jealousy, you know? Those little things. They're not normal. It is either. It's not, you know, super smooth. And certainly I've had a lot of more practice with students in classrooms, you know, over time, in addition to mountain three kids, but I do think there is that level of like, there isn't a shortcut, right? You know, it's not a magic fix, you actually do have to roll up your sleeves and just have to be perfect. I tell people, just open the drawer, get a piece of paper, you don't have to go to the craft store. So my point is that it's not easy for me either. And there's these moments where I want to just let it go. And I consider them low hanging fruit in the sense that oh, that's the message for myself that this does matter. This is important. So I was cracking up yesterday because we had this playdate with a new friend. And so his grandmother was coming to pick them up and asked if he could change in his soccer stuff at our house. So it's showing them through the house and the grandmother goes, Wow, there's a lot of feelings in here. And I'm looking at our list are like dry erase board a feeling words and Leona's feeling pictures and Leona goes, Oh, yeah, well, that's just after a family meeting, we just pick a new feeling whether we're gonna reflect on for the week, this week. It's all about jealousy. And I love looking at the feeling words. It's like resentment, boredom, jealousy, envy, you know, all these like really big things. So from an outside person, maybe it looks like a little odd, but you do and it is the small moments of just chipping away at the week. And I had a couple of weeks ago when we were pulling out the feeling word for the week. And all three of my family members have their arms crossed like this, I was like, hey, for the record. The reason that we're doing this is so that we can be in healthy relationships and so that we can have a big range of feelings vocabulary, and so I'm totally getting I'm reading the body language in the crowd. I'm not having a great time right now either. And this is my hope for it. I'm not meaning to make everybody feel miserable right now. I'm just trying to build our bank of vocabulary words so that we can be in communication with each other. And John was like, what I'm on board be like John.

Casey O'Roarty 29:49
Just want you to wear a GoPro all the time. I want you to be a reality show that I can watch

Julietta Skoog 29:54
your sweet I mean, it's not like it's perfect. You know, and I'll say this to parents. I'm like, It's not about going to the craft store. are in getting the crack, open the door, take out that scratch piece of paper, get a pen and sit down and say, Hey, let's talk about our after school routine, okay, what are all the things that we need to do, and then let it evolve, but just start it just get those launched. And so I think that's like just a guiding intention that is in the water that you swim in. Yeah. You know,

Casey O'Roarty 30:20
yeah, it's funny. So of having done much of this imperfectly, of course, with my kids. And now it's just the three of us at family meetings, Ben and Ian and I. And so we always are talking about contributions, because it's just, nobody wants to do chores. And, you know, I long for the days of the charts and the visual. And so I'll see the end like, Well, what do you need, and he loves me, and he's like, I need you to just tell me what you want me to do? And I'm like, okay, I can do that. I'm willing to do that, you know. And that means that when I make the request, you get to follow through and do it. Now. Are you okay with that? You know, and he's like, Yeah, but it's interesting. It's so easy for things to slight like, even last night, Ben was like, What happened to the expectation and the routine of helping after dinner. Because these days, we're very loose on where we eat, and when, and we aren't all together because of activities and things. And so it's become really easy to just eat and go. And Ben and I are left. And it's like, wait a minute, we were a well oiled machine, with the kids for a long time on after dinner routine.

Julietta Skoog 31:39
But isn't this a new intention for you in that? This is a year where next year, he's on his own? And so that's a different intention. It's not hold on, hold on, hold on. It's like, we're practicing how to be on your own. Yeah.

Alanna Beebe 31:54
And deciding where you want to jump in, you know, because maybe you want to put your energy into building other skills. Yeah, instead of doing the dishes after dinner, you know, and that's okay. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 32:03
totally. And I appreciate that we have all these high reps of like, well, what's going to be useful to you? And what do you need to help you remember? And, you know, what kind of tools can you use to make sure you don't miss that appointment with your college counselor or whatever. And even though I can definitely feel like you know, it kind of the eyeroll from him, I get to just, it's he knows he knows the routine.

Julietta Skoog 32:33
Well, and even just that different intention, just going down the little contributions, rabbit hole, we have our little spin the wheel contribution, that our kids now will say, you know, everyone's kind of in different times to what's already been done to tell me what to do. And we can say, well, you're practicing the self direction right now. Yeah. You know, look around, see what needs to be done. We trust you.

Casey O'Roarty 32:56
Yeah. Oh, good tips. Good tips, ladies. Okay, let's take ourselves out of that rabbit hole. Thank you. I feel supported. Yeah, I feel very supported. And they'll be so excited for me to come home and be like, oh, yeah, I remembered some things and got some help. So okay, yes, to intentionality. And having that goal and really thinking about what is it that I want to create? And what is it that I want my kids to learn? And what are the gaps? So what happens now, when we find ourselves parenting in what can feel like a silo? Right, when our parenting partners or our parenting village, you know, depending on what our situation is, when the other adults have different goals, or just aren't on the same page? As far as like, there can be intentionality around how we're responding to the kids. Does that come up for you guys? And in your

Julietta Skoog 33:50
classes comes up a lot with the families that I serve? For sure. Me

Alanna Beebe 33:54
too. Yeah, well, you know, you see this in school with teachers, you see this with other parent, friends, we aren't all on the same page. For me, it goes back to the first conversation we had, which is that we do live in a connected community. And it's not our job as me just as a parent to my child to teach my child everything. And there's freedom in that, that I get to choose the things I want to lean into. And I really want to teach the values that are important for me and my family. And I get to let go of some things and know that they're going to learn it out there. You know, there's other people to teach other people to hold that space for them. Because we all are connected in that. And that is freeing for me to not feel all of the responsibility to teach everything. It's super framed. And if you think about that, in the long term way, that it's also helpful because you're like, I don't also have to teach everything in this all right now, because it's a practice that's going to continue for a lifetime. So this is just what my gift I get to give and like tying it back to what you were talking about, you know, I would encourage people to really dig into the things where you want to learn for your Self, you know, where is it sticky for you? Where is it hard for you? Because that's a place where you can grow and make and grow. And you can teach and learn and like talk about re parenting.

Casey O'Roarty 35:09
Yeah, talk more about this, right? So back layer, what do you mean by so for example,

Alanna Beebe 35:13
you know, let's just go back to my original example that I spent and rushing out the door, right? It was really bothering me, because I have this need to be on time, right, like have to show up, I have to be there, blah, blah, I have all this stress around it. But really, I don't want to feel that stress. Like, I actually want to feel good and happy. And like flowy and just like, be able to get there. And notice, like, sometimes they can be a little late. And that's okay, you know, and that's all right. So if that is something that's hard for me to work on, how can I offer the opportunity for Espen and yet still be responsible? Right, and yet still follow through? Let's still like, make it to school on time, still, you know, so what does that look like, in this way? And how can I teach and learn myself? And also feel better? You know? And so is that become a value in my family? Right? So we're not going to be stressed about being on time. Yeah. And we're also going to follow through, and we're also gonna be responsible, it's like these, like, the tethering between the two.

Casey O'Roarty 36:08
Yeah. And what happens when there's another adult? Well, it happened with your dad, like it was an a mirror for you. And imagine, you know, that your dad's here all the time. Because I mean, we talk to parents, right? And they're like, Okay, I love this, I'm into it. And my partner, or the nanny, or the teacher, or the school that my kids go to, because it's a utopian idea to also be like, I don't have to teach them anything, because they have all these people in their life. But what about when some of the people in their life, it's like, Oh, my God, I did not want them to pass on that, you know, how do we let that go? One? And also, how are we living from a place of encouragement for the other people as well, because we're all on our separate journeys.

Julietta Skoog 36:53
Well, and I hear this a lot around, I mean, just in to home families, you know, which is like really hard, you cannot control what is happening, or you can't control that one teacher that you've gotten that year, as much as as a parent, you want to move them out of the classroom. And so all we can do is really empower kids with the skills for how to be in relationship with that other person, or how to respond or how to process that. And I also believe, and again, because we work with these early ages, when you can start with these kinds of encouraging language from the get go around, just building up that internal sense of confidence in that sense of self, then when they are in relationship with another person, and certainly if it's a parent's different, you know, gets trickier and we want, you know, talk about kind of the real extreme, like harm, harm, harm situations, that's a different ball of wax for sure. And you want to intervene, and you want to keep them safe, obviously. But you know, in these other ways, where you just might feel that they're not like doing it perfectly, or they're not doing it in the way that I'm doing it,

Casey O'Roarty 37:52
I hear they're reactive, or they're not listening or right click to punish, right, want to take things away. Hopefully, we have a soccer

Julietta Skoog 38:00
coach like that right now that's very shaming and pits them against each other. And so I'm feeling that tension too. And so all that I can lean into is my relationship with my kid just to say, how are they able to? And I'll break it down, know that it's the grown up? It's not that you know what I mean? Or it's that other person? It's not that like, wow, like, isn't that so interesting? And they're like screaming or whatever. But they're not internalizing that, right? So I think that's the place where as a parent, you can either coach or teach the skills within that. So I really lean into with my middle around this coach, like that internal voice, what messaging is she getting from a male figure? Who is going to hear a voice? And so how can I continue to support the narrative and other ways where she is hearing different messages, or a teacher that you have for a whole year, just being that soft landing when they come home to be able to process? Hold this space? Listen to them, letting them vent, offering this curiosity like, oh, it's not interesting. They like put people's name on the board, or they give you all these stars, or you get to get that thing? Or these kids don't get that reward? How do you think those kids feel over time when they like, never get the chance to join the class party? Because they haven't filled the jar? Those kinds of lessons within that. So that because there's always going to be those people out in the world. Yeah. And what's

Casey O'Roarty 39:19
my goal here?

Alanna Beebe 39:20
Yeah, you just be the lawn more the snowplow parent or whatever. And you just like, go in and clear the path, and everything's great and green and happy. Because don't give opportunity to learn, right? So I think it's like this opportunity for that reflection in your own values. You get to go back and go, Oh, here's this thing that my kids coming up against, they're gonna keep coming up against these things. So what is it that I feel like I can help and teach them so that they can go out in the world and be ready for that next time? You know, and this idea of assertiveness to that you talk about, like how can we handle their own problem? That's right, you know, and they can right and

Julietta Skoog 39:53
coaching them, giving them the language so that the next time that happens, how to respond when you're at the other parents house and they're yelling at you how to say, I feel like we're both flooded right now I'll continue this conversation, when we can both be calm. I had a recent family where, you know, even just modeling in front of the child, you know, when there's like aloud from another parent or something that can get scary, just to turn to that child in that moment and just say, That sounds really scary. You know, and I'm here, you're safe. Acknowledging that, because so much of what we do also is just being like, Oh, what do you mean, they're fine, or just the teachers that's no bad or like, or ignore, just act like nothing's happening. And the kids as we say, we're good perceivers and poor interpreters? Like, what the hell man, you know? So just to acknowledge that that's not right, maybe you're not able to tell them what to do. But like, that's not okay.

Casey O'Roarty 40:52
Well, and I really like I really appreciate what you shared about helping our kids not internalize another grown ups, poor messaging, unskilled way of being with them. And something that comes up that I remind the parents that I work with, is, you are in charge of your relationship with your child. And you know, if it's a conversation around the other parent, it's like, that's theirs, right? They get to decide how they're going to show up, outside of like, you mentioned, abuse or something that's, you know, obviously, we're going to pull out, and were such powerful models, especially if we're parenting partners in the same home, we get to be such powerful models for the other person. Well, that's the other thing too, like all of these things, I wrote like six pages about this in my journal recently. I'm so solid with this with my kids, imperfectly solid. And there's this other really important relationship in my life. And I'm realizing like, wow, this is a place where I haven't really intentionally focused that high reps. And so we're getting into some muddy waters because of that. And so that's the other thing, too, like, it's not even just about parenting, it's how we be with everybody in our lives in a way that like, what do we want to create? You know,

Julietta Skoog 42:18
I mean, that modeling piece kids are like, their BS meter is, oh, I mean, they are fine. They're not going to think like being in relationship with you. And so, if you're an asshole, you know, like, they're going to disconnect, right? And so, in that way, if you are in relationship with them, they're going to have that model, that experience that might be different. When they go be with another grownup or the person, they're like, oh, that's different from this, isn't that right? And there are parts of this I really like. So therefore, that's not as familiar or doesn't feel as good. And so you're gonna just like we all do, we connect or disconnect towards, with those feelings. And so just having had that stable foundation model for what a healthy unconditionally loved, safe relationship is, is gonna help inform them of what is not.

Casey O'Roarty 43:12
Yeah. And one of my goals is for my kids to want to hang out with me after they move out.

Julietta Skoog 43:17
You're so fun. Of course, they were I made.

Casey O'Roarty 43:23
Well, and back to my story that I started with. So I really kind of stepped in it. As I frantically tried to tell Rowan why her choice was not a good one, you know, went to the gym, moved my body, which was really great, might have vented a little bit to my trainer, but without the details, and then got home and I was like, Okay, I need to clean this up. Like I was super judgmental. And actually, when I think about the whole story, she had an experience that showed her what her values were. And that gave her an opportunity to set a boundary. And now that experience is in her back pocket, which is exactly what I'm constantly like, Hey, everybody, like, we need them to have experiences to flex these muscles. We don't get stronger without going to the gym, right? And this experience for her was just another day at the gym. And so I sent her a text and I said, you know, I really screwed up in that conversation this morning. I want to acknowledge that. Here's what I saw. You know, as I reflect on your experience, and this is exactly what I would hope most for you. And I think you're amazing, and it's really hard and weird to be a parent and I love you. And she responded. She was like, yeah, it was hurtful and annoying, which I got to sit with. I think I talked about this on another episode. I was a little bit of shame. And then you know, we moved on, you know, but it was really an awesome opportunity to for me to remember like, Do you guys ever have those moments where you're in the thick of it? And then you're like, Oh, yeah.

Alanna Beebe 44:58
Oh yeah. When I tell you So let's repair. Absolutely. Like what would I tell someone to do in this moment? Yeah, not what I just did. Yeah, exactly. But the opportunity to prepare is huge.

Casey O'Roarty 45:09
Right? Come back to what do I want to create? Yeah. Which is I want to create connection. What do I want? Most I want relationship with my kiddos. I want them to be able to come to me with the weirdest whatever is things and be able to be like, Hmm, wow, interesting choice. Tell me more about that without being like, Why in the hell, you know, because I know that experience of being that kid. And it does not draw me closer to wanting to spend time with my parents. And that makes me sad. Yeah.

Alanna Beebe 45:41
And because of our experience in our childhood, we have things that we get to teach through our own learning. That's why it was like getting back to that idea of like, what sticky and hard for you. That's exactly where you have the biggest opportunity to teach and offer learnings because you have that experience to bring forward into it. Instead of making it the fear based story, turning it into the teaching moment, you know,

Casey O'Roarty 46:04
yeah. Speaking of fear based stories, can I tell you a little side story, I was in Cabo, and my mom, when I got home, my mom was like, I was so worried the entire week that you were gone. I was like, what? She's like, Yeah, Mexico scares me. I was uncomfortable and anxious the whole time you event and I told Ron and she laughed so hard. She's like, What? Doesn't she have your location? Because I check in on her every once in a while anyway, you never end parenting never ends. So I'm going to close this up with some deep thoughts. So having a goal or even a parenting plan isn't about things playing out a certain way. It's not about a certain absolute result or outcome. Instead, it's about what it is you want to create in any given response or experience. What do you think about that? Are we aligned? I love your quote and more. Exactly. Thank you another awesome conversation for the series. And thank you everybody who's listening and watching and hanging out with us and following the series. Join us next week, as we explore the experience of doing all this work. And challenges remain the same. What do you do? Yeah, have a great day. Bye everyone.

Casey O'Roarty 47:31
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you to my spreadable partners, as well as Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected at V sprout audible.com. Tune back in later this week for our Thursday show and I'll be back with another interview next Monday. Peace

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