Eps 469: Endurance and evolution – The Art of Connected Parenting, part 6

Episode 469

Join Alanna Beebe, Julietta Skoog, & Casey O’Roarty, the three founders of Sproutable, as we dig deeper into finding the why of the work we do.  This is the last episode of this limited series, and we’re excited to talk about leaning into perseverance.  Parenting is messy!  We’ve got to keep our growth mindset and get into the thick of it to build grit, resilience, and to evolve as parents.  

Get in the ring with these kiddos.  Engage!  We’re not going to get it exactly right; it’s going to be messy, and that’s part of the work.  So often, we just want to get back to comfort, and we use our easiest tools without a pause to see what the situation really called for.   Kids need for us to be in discomfort with them, not fix it for them! 

Alanna explains what mirror neurons are, where our empathy comes from, and why it’s so hard for us when our child(ren) are losing it.  Casey digs into how our own history and inner-child affects our parenting, and Julietta shares what signals we need to keep our eyes open for.  

We often talk about fostering a growth mindset in our children, but how do we lean into a grown mindset when it comes to our parenting style?  This is real neuroscience, and everyone can grow and change.  What do you do when something doesn’t work?  What can you learn in those tough moments and the parenting mistakes?  You are capable of this!  

We wrap the Founders Series with a metaphor that we started with – how do we set our kids up for adulthood with a U-Haul full of tools instead of a U-Haul full of trauma?   Kids don’t have to learn from painful experiences.  We can teach life skills in a way that sets our child(ren) up with a loving, encouraging inner voice.  We can be grateful for what we learned from our parents and still choose to parent differently.  

Thank you for tuning into our series!  We are here for you.   

Guest Description: 

Alanna Beebe is a certified Positive Discipline Educator. She has 15+ yrs in public health & early learning communications, and equity & social justice policy development. She is a current board member of FoxBox, helping families in long-term hospital stays. She is a former board member for WACAP (now HoltInternational.org), international and domestic adoption and foster placement agency.

Julietta Skoog is a Certified Positive Discipline Advanced Trainer with an Ed.S Degree in School Psychology and a Masters Degree in School Counseling with over 20 years of experience helping families in schools and homes. She draws from her real life practical experience working with thousands of students with a variety of needs and her own three children to parent coaching, bringing a unique ability to translate research, child development and Positive Discipline principles into everyday parenting solutions. Her popular keynote speeches, classes, and workshops have been described as rejuvenating, motivating, and inspiring.

Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed, is a facilitator of personal growth and development. For the last 15 years, her work has encouraged parents to discover the purpose of their journey, and provided them with tools and a shift of mindset that has allowed them to deepen their relationship with themselves and their families. Casey is a Positive Discipline Lead Trainer and Coach. She hosts the Joyful Courage podcast, parenting summits, live and online classes, and individual coaching. Her book, Joyful Courage: Calming the Drama and Taking Control of YOUR Parenting Journey was published in May 2019. Casey lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband, and two teenagers.

Community is everything!

Join our community Facebook groups:

Takeaways from the show

  • Leaning into perseverance 
  • Fine tuning our inner listening 
  • What does this moment actually need?  
  • Being uncomfortable with your child 
  • Truly accepting your kids starts with acceptance of yourself 
  • Mirror neurons & empathy 
  • Growth mindset 
  • Staying hopeful 
  • “We choose the challenge.” 
  • Assuming positive intent, explaining intention, and collaborating with your child 
  • “You get to choose what’s hard.” 
  • Setting our kids up with a U-Haul of tools, not a U-Haul of trauma 
  • Gratitude for the lessons your parents taught you (and choosing to parent differently) 
  • There’s never been a better time for a parenting revolution, and we’re gaining momentum & resources 
  • Dignity & respect for all 
  • Sproutable’s mission statement

We are here for you

Join the email list

Join our email list! Joyful Courage is so much more than a podcast! Joyful Courage is the adolescent brand here at Sproutable. We bring support and community to parents of tweens and teens. Not a parent of a teen or tween? No worries, click on the button to sign up to the email list specifically cultivated for you: Preschool, school-aged, nannies, and teachers. We are here for everyone who loves and cares for children.

I'm in!

Classes & coaching

I know that you love listening every week AND I want to encourage you to dig deeper into the learning with me, INVEST in your parenting journey. Casey O'Roarty, the Joyful Courage podcast host, offers classes and private coaching. See our current offerings.

Watch the podcast


growth mindset, parenting, kids, spreadable, idea, parents, love, mirror neurons, listening, work, gratitude, intention, grow, tools, practice, relationship, mom, learn, experience, lean
Casey O'Roarty, Julietta Skoog, Alanna Beebe

Casey O'Roarty 00:03
Hey everybody, welcome to the joyful courage podcast a place for information and inspiration on the parenting journey. Just wanted to give you a heads up that from now until the 11th of March, the podcast is being taken over we've got a limited series happening, you're going to hear about it in just a moment, the art of connected parenting so still the same deep value that you get every Monday here on the joyful coach podcast, but we will be sharing the limited series art of connected parenting for the next little while. And the good news is this limited series is good for all parents, young kids all the way through the teen years. So check it out and enjoy

Casey O'Roarty 00:56
Hey, everybody, welcome back to the last episode of our podcast series, The Art of connected parenting, where the founders of sprouted bull are coming together to talk about the power of up leveling how we think about and understand our roles and relationships with our kids. And I think with ourselves we've proven that in the last six weeks just to remind you of who we are I am Casey over the host of the joyful courage podcast positive discipline lead trainer mom adolescent Lead here at Sprout audible with me are Alana PB our Managing Director, brilliant, thoughtful mama, the boss. We like to call her the boss because she keeps us reined in sort of sorta and positive discipline parent educator and my dear friend and sister from another mister Julietta school, also a mom, early years lead and positive discipline trainer, we remain really excited to continue to dig into this work with all of you. Thanks for being here and listening in. So last episode, we talked about the continuum of change, and just how the practice doesn't always make everything perfect. But we start to experience our experiences differently when we are committed to this practice. And this week, we're wrapping up the series with remembering where we've been and how to just keep leaning into that perseverance we need for the long haul, which is the lifelong opportunity of relationship with our growing kids. We're in the arena. We're in the arena, and there are no exit doors. No. We say on our feet, right? Like how do we keep getting up? Who are we being called to be like, what's coming up for you too, as we move into this final episode? Well, I

Julietta Skoog 02:43
love when just the idea of being in the arena with no exit doors. gladiator style, and I use that analogy a lot when I talk about siblings also, like get them in the ring get in the ring, this idea that it is messy. And also that growth mindset lens with it, you know that we've got to rumble as Brene Brown says, and we've got to get in the thick of it to build the grit, to build the resilience to evolve, we've got to be in it. That's what's coming up. For me it's run that growth mindset. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 03:18
we're gonna get to growth mindset in a little bit. What about you, Ilana?

Alanna Beebe 03:22
Yeah, for me, it's just this idea. Like, you know, when we talked about this in the previous ones, where we talked about parenting, like kindness and firmness, or, you know, being too kind or being too firm, and maybe there's this, you know, the gentle parenting idea of just like, letting it be, it's okay, like, I love you, no matter what. And that's okay. But that's not where the real work is, you know. And so we can get stuck in being tired and exhausted and just letting things go, right. And kind of laissez faire, right? Or we can let things go. And then we can freak out and screaming out and like shame, blame, whatever, we go back to our old styles. But when we stay in it, when we stay in the work, we can get so much further, you know, and that's really what resonates for me, you know, it's our own story. It's our own work. But really, we're always in it. We're in no matter what, right? So if we ignore it until it becomes festers, it becomes a problem. It's a bigger problem and a bigger issue, because we didn't deal with it in the first place. Or if we're so onic all the time. It's just like building stress in our bodies. Right. And I haven't talked about the previous episodes, but like my previous work and working in public health, we know that ongoing stress rises cortisol levels, and it leads to poor health outcomes for people. You know, you get heart disease and diabetes and all these things. We know this is from cortisol and from stress from ongoing stress. So where do we want to live? Do we want to live in the place where we're doing the work and it is challenging or do we want to live in the place of constant stress because we're trying to control it and hold on so tight, right, or do want to live in the place where we just kind of let it Go right until it becomes a big problem.

Casey O'Roarty 05:02
I see a visual of a ping pong ball. Yeah, or not a ping pong ball. But what it's like, what is it for like? Oh, I love pinball. Right. And I'm thinking about the invol. Like we Yeah, live in that place of unconsciousness, right non intention. And it's just like, who's in charge of that? Like ping, ping, ping, ping the gap just in reaction constantly versus like, Okay, wait,

Julietta Skoog 05:27
hold on. And I'm hearing the parents that we serve, say, Yeah, okay. I don't want stress. I don't want that. Yeah. So how, yeah, saying, Yeah, you know how and thing that I think about I was thinking of when you were saying that was the scene and Top Gun when Mavericks like, cook, oh, you liked that? video if you're listening. But that idea of like when he's a Google, engage, engage, Cougar, engage. And I get really excited, too. But it's that part, it's just, that is the first step is to engage, you're already in the ring, get in the ring. And so I think people think, Oh, I'm doing wrong. But when you just start out with that intention, and just say, All right, I'm not going to get this perfectly right from the get go. But I'm going to engage men to get in the ring, I'm going to understand that it's going to be messy. I'm going to work on myself, along with side, my kiddo. And I'm going to understand that that's part of the work. Yeah, that it's not enough to say they've got to do that. Or I'm setting my ways or this is just who I am, or Well, me worked for me. Yeah. That that is also part of that engagement part of that get in there. Well, I

Casey O'Roarty 06:39
think about to the episode that we did around what's my goal? What do I want to create? There's always this call, you know, like, I think about, what am I being called into? Who am I being called to be in this moment? And before we get into how, right, it's also like, fine tuning our inner listening, like slowing things down enough to even recognize that there is a call, right? Like, there is an opportunity to pause and think what does this moment actually need? Not only like, what tool does my kid need? But like, what is the energy, the quality? What is going to serve? Right?

Alanna Beebe 07:25
I think we get stuck in this, like, I need to get back to comfort me get back to Cabernet, or I need to get back to comfort so quickly, that we pull whatever tools are easily accessible for us. I mean, throw those out there. Yeah. And then really can feel comfortable again, and move on. Without doing that pause.

Casey O'Roarty 07:43
Right. And it's like the short, cheap version of comfort. Right? Right. And I'm sure it's the same early years as it is teen years, right? It's like, oh, my gosh, the discomfort is so big. And for both ends, I think I noticed we're all fake. Oh, especially in the teenagers, right. But I think we're gonna throw that out. Because it's really the same need, right? Like, the need for them to have us be willing to be in discomfort with them, is also this opportunity for both sides to be in the idea of, oh, I can be uncomfortable, and I'm okay. I can be uncomfortable. And I can move through it.

Julietta Skoog 08:23
And that idea of discomfort for young people, little people, I hear this a lot from parents where they say I'm just I'm so activated by the distress of my child. Yeah, because it's wired in us,

Alanna Beebe 08:36
your neurons mirror neurons about mirror neurons, right?

Julietta Skoog 08:40
I mean, it is wired for survival, like the deepest of the deep of the deep. So that is like, I mean, we're basically just on a, you know, robot here, like it's so automatically ingrained in us. And so there does have to be that intention, not to let them sit in discomfort, but to not be in such a reactive mode that we are only in Primal mode all the time, you know, and so being able to play with, like really our own reaction to that our own grounding our own regulating our own sense of safety, we're totally safe here. That discomfort or crying or distress, is communication is telling me something, even though they can't say it with words. And so then that practice of attunement and staying strong and regulated myself. That's the work, you know,

Casey O'Roarty 09:37
yeah. As I listened to you and what you just said attunement, right. Staying regulated ourselves. There is so much unspoken message. When it's like I see you in the heart. I see you in the struggle, and I'm okay. Right like I'm right here next to you. I'm loving you. I'm okay. I'm on the rim. Right Brene Brown talks about getting in the hole. I think it's so often that we for parents of teens, probably parents of littles, we get in the hole and we're like, oh, shit, I don't want to be in the hole and it's like, get out, get out, get out. How can we get out? And there's this added layer of like, it's not okay that I feel like this, you know, it just sends this message energetically to our kids around like, you're not okay, right? But when we can show up from this, like, grounded connected place, you're having a hard time, right? And that's okay, you're okay, I'm okay. You don't take care of me. Feelings are okay, feelings

Julietta Skoog 10:36
are okay. And Feelings come and go. And feelings didn't last forever. We are not all one. At the same time, I just was feeling the Mr. Rogers presence in the room with us, in that sense, where it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. And that sense of, you know, if we can tap into that piece that is within all of us, I truly believe everyone has a little Mr. Rogers, because everyone has a beautiful spirit and Buddha nature that is compassionate and patient and deserving, you know, deserving of dignity and space and respect and love, I mean, all of that. And so, to open up that heart to our children, in terms of that acceptance, the true unconditional love, you know, embody,

Alanna Beebe 11:27
and that starts with accepting ourselves for having those feelings to, you know, because under ourselves, we can accept our kids, and we can accept them existing in humanity. What a huge move if we can just do that. Do that? Our fingers, but Right, I think that the gift of the mirror neurons, I want to talk about mirror neurons love it. So mirror neurons are the route of empathy, their ability to feel other people's feelings. And if we didn't say, here's like, the blessing, and that is that we do actually get to feel how our kids are feeling. So you don't have to just kind of guess, like, I'm guessing that they might be this, we really feel it. It happens in our brain, it's natural. So if you think about, do you see someone take a sip of water or yawn, and you do that, that is one way of how the mirror neurons work. And another way is the emotional contagion part of it, how we feel people's we truly can feel people's feelings. And with our kids, it's so strong. So we're so connected to them. And that's why when they're freaking out, we're freaking out. But the blessing and all of that is that we actually know how they're feeling. Yeah, right? If we can roll ourselves right out of that hole and back up right to the rim, and be like, Ah, you're feeling this because I'm feeling this.

Casey O'Roarty 12:47
I have a question for you guys about this particular thing, because as I'm listening to you, I'm like, Yeah, I feeling how they're feeling. And I'm thinking about, you know, for example, our child comes home, maybe they're a teenager, maybe they're a five year old, and says, Nobody likes me. Right. And so those mirror neurons trigger, but an added layer is remembering that experience and having this heightened extra. Oh, my God, that was the worst for me. And so, inside of this mirror neuron work is also the recognizing of what's their experience? And then what is this old experience of mine that's now kind of adding kindling to this fire? So not only are we now in response to our kid, we're in response to our inner child. Well, and that's exactly

Alanna Beebe 13:37
it that yeah, work live. And that's where it kind of a lot

of dots just connected for me.

Alanna Beebe 13:44
Are those roads meet? Yes, you know, because if they came over and said something, whatever it was, and you didn't have your own visceral reaction to it probably isn't a lot of internal work there for you. But you can hold the space for your kid. And maybe it's an easy thing. And you get through it, right? Yeah. But it's the places where brings up your stuff, where it rubs the wrong way, when you have that visceral reaction where you have to deal with your own stuff. That's where the

Julietta Skoog 14:07
that's where we talked about the first episode that what is that re parenting, it's those moments where you get to repattern. Yeah, you get to give what you want it or at least try even if you don't know how to do that, you get to have that awareness and try something new. And I think that's the part when we think about, like getting in the arena, that when there are those moments of dread or that it brings up that part in us, that's the signal to say, Okay, we're on the right path here. Let's go. Let's keep going. Instead of saying, I don't want to do that it's too much too fast, too, you know,

Casey O'Roarty 14:46
so you kind of teased this already. So let's talk about growth versus fixed. Kinda like re parenting growth mindset is also like a buzzy kind of word. It's important obviously, want it foster it in the classroom, we want to foster it in our kids. But I want to start with how we start to pay attention to what our parenting mindset is, are we in a fixed or growth mindset as parents, and then move towards kids? So yeah, talk about that. Sure. I

Julietta Skoog 15:16
mean, I and Alana, also, you have a lot to say about this. I mean, to me, the growth, mindset excitement, like why I get so hopeful working with children or families, when really for a lot of the years that I was working in schools, there are a lot of really sad stories, really sad trauma, and there's a lot of hurt in the world. And the thing that kept bringing me back to be so hopeful, or when I would be doing an evaluation with a kiddo that has a lot of disabilities, or a lot of challenges, cognitively or behaviorally is this idea of growth mindset, that actually the neuroscience is so exciting, the field of neuroscience and the world that we're living in right now, in the time is super exciting to know that it isn't just Well, that's how they are, you know, they have that experience you bad because the brain is malleable. And there is this growth potential that we really can rewire our brains. And certainly, the early years are so important and laying that strong foundation in terms of capacity, but everything is like able to grow and change, you know, there are ways to repattern regrow. So within that growth mindset, or within that neuroscience field, and the incredible work and research that Carol Dweck gave us, and her all the research out of Stanford around that really named it as a growth mindset is based on this idea that we are malleable, and that the way that we are with our children or with each other, the language that we use, can also affect that it can affect change. So I think that exciting possibility of just the opportunity to grow in that way. So I think in terms of the parenting piece, I look at growth mindset as within that realm of executive functioning. And so this capacity to have a stronger integration, hole, self and see self esteem are a huge part of the confidence. But also the idea of like thinking about perseverance, thinking about resilience, optimism, flexibility, empathy, as these traits that can grow. So if I'm thinking about those places to lean into with my kids, and then also ideas of like, goal setting, or progress monitoring, kind of I use those as the tools within these but thinking about, okay, if I want to work with this with my kiddo, you were talking about soccer, and Aspen, for example, or we talked about motivation last episode, then leaning into those places of perseverance, or resistance or resilience, I've got to look at that for myself. So when I'm the parent that's giving up really quickly saying, Well, I tried, or now I'm just not going to do any more, or no, it's got to be this certain way. I'm like, we're showing up with that fixed mindset, you know, which is the opposite of the growth mindset. And so

it's how my kid is always like this, or it'll never be different, right? So

Julietta Skoog 18:12
that to me, it just layers into our other conversations around intention around energy, you know, when we can step a little bit back and think of it as a mindset, fixed and growth from the neuroscience place, if we kind of hold a little more lightly, it doesn't feel so personal, you know. So even within our family, like our little nuclear family, and within my classrooms to that I was in with another culture of a school and schools are doing an awesome job, I have to say about rolling this end, because what happens with research is that it starts in the research. And then there's a trickle down effect to curriculums and things like that, and it takes a glacial speed, right. And so there's now that it's even though it's been around for a long time, the neuroscience has been here now we're finally getting some fruition within curriculum, especially around math for kids. So there's this languaging that's happening within schools. So when we can start to match that at home also, our kids are then swimming in these waters. So within our little home to that we just say we have a growth mindset, we choose the challenge with the power of yet the power of yet data. I can't do that yet. Nobody likes me yet.

There is that hopefulness, like well, and it's not just that I'm gonna worse. What are you doing wrong?

Julietta Skoog 19:30
Yeah, what's wrong? But this idea of like, it's not just enough to be like persistent person, like, just keep trying because that also, if you're not going anywhere, your wheels are spinning. That's not enough. It's that deeper piece of having that reflection, the resilience to be like, Okay, that didn't work, but what did I learn from it? And so that also brings us into these mistakes or opportunities to learn place, where as a parent when we are truly like putting on the growth mindset project As you know, then we can show up with awesome that we really are growing through that mistake. What did I learn from that? So that I can go to the 2.0, the 3.0 version,

Casey O'Roarty 20:10
I just had a really good visual of a line of pajamas we could make.

I think it's, yeah. Halloween. I do like a good costume. I just next year, I think, Well,

Casey O'Roarty 20:22
Mrs. Peacock from clue, if for no other reason, it feels better. Like, it feels better to believe that our people are capable. They're learning and that they're evolving and growing and that we're capable of being their parent.

Alanna Beebe 20:44
Maybe we should tell them everyone capable.

You are capable. You're looking right in the camera. I'm speaking right into my mind. People you

are totally capable. Everybody. Everybody.

Yeah, are you I said Britain planet? Yeah.

Europe, the US? Row and James? Absolutely. Yeah,

Julietta Skoog 21:04
what phrase we use at home. Besides like, we choose the challenge. So whenever optional, things will come on for school or during the vacation. And our kids are like, Oh, that's optional. We're like not for us. Like that's always we, we say yes, you know, to that. But this idea about the LSAT.

Not gonna do it.

Julietta Skoog 21:25
But this idea also of assuming positive intent, which we have the little, you know, side part, but just from the purity of kids were when they mess up to there's some modeling that we use around I'm so sorry about that. That was not my intention, like I take responsibility for what it did. And so sorry, that wasn't my intention. And so hearing to get reflected back from our kids is really powerful. You know, when they mess up and say, Oh, that wasn't my intention. I was trying to Okay, great. So then what do we need to do to get to that? And then how do we get there? And then it really is this culture of where you are in collaboration on a team with your kids. You're not just like you do what I say? Because I'm the boss. Yeah. And you better not backtalk me,

Alanna Beebe 22:04
and then you can you don't have all the responsibility fixing everything all the time. You know, maybe some of you out there feel like you need to fix everything all the time. Maybe. Yeah, maybe don't I don't know. I know, I hold that. But how patrol cop cars? I'll release a lot that guy, right? Yeah. Like, what have to come with a solution?

Casey O'Roarty 22:20
Yeah, I want to come back to choosing the challenge and tease a little bit. And I and I have a story around that. Because we had a little there was we had a little breakdown last year during basketball season and in didn't want to go, he was having a hard time. And I said, Well, you get to choose what's hard. Because it's either going to be hard to show up and play your game tonight. Or it's going to be hard to navigate the unfolding of not going to your game tonight. You know, which is the one that you're ready to, to move through. Right. And so when you say you choose the challenge, is that what you mean? Like, when you use that as a mantra, I

Julietta Skoog 22:59
also think about just in the teenager land, and I'm sprinkling, you know, I'm practicing over here with the early errors, because it's getting bigger, but my understanding of teens correct me if I'm wrong, is that? Is that really important skill of decision making? Yeah, right. So we got to start all the way back with the liberals of practicing making decisions and deciding for themselves. And so that what it looks like for liberals is this idea of a limited choice, and we say you decide, right. So choosing the challenge might be within an academic role or activity playing out. And so as a grown up, I might limit the choice so that the both are a challenge, you decide more of just choose the challenge meaning when we notice, this is what I'm trying to cultivate for myself and for my kids do. When we notice that part of wanting to give up right now. We are awareness and we go that one extra edge, okay,

for example, very perseverance, a very, very precise urgency.

Julietta Skoog 24:02
So we were on a literally a hike, Leona and I a few years ago, so she was little she was probably three with a girlfriend in the Bay Area, shout out to Tilden National Park and, or regional sorry, but there's this moment where of course she's just like listening to mom's talk. She's going to peter out pretty quick. And so truly having this metaphor before me where we got to this place where she was like, and I'm done, let's peace out. And for me to pause and say, Alright, I hear you, you're totally done. Now we're going to head all the way back to the car. Before we do that. Let's see if we can push it go a little bit further. So let's look together. I'm seeing this, see how it bends around and then goes. Let's put on our Batman cape. You know, like pretend Batman cave. And should we see if we can get all the way around, see if we can get a little challenge ourselves and get all the way just Yeah. So just these little exam like practices, at least My ways of okay, we've hit our edge. Let's Is there anywhere else that we can go a little bit further? And then, and then had I needed

Casey O'Roarty 25:06
you? I was like teaching classes. Little did I know that I needed you

I would have loved to have had you be my parent educator.

I love your story.

Alanna Beebe 25:25
And here's the thing, though I was thinking about this is, you know, just because Julieta you lean into that didn't mean that was the right answer, right. And then we all get to have our own values and our own things that we want to teach and the our own stuff that's going to come up. And just pulling this back to that other conversation that we had before. The whole community gets to teach kids like there's all these opportunities to learn these things. It's not like every moment has to be all of these things get to need to be squeezed in or this needs to be the right thing. It's just about the intentionality. That's it. Well, it's

Julietta Skoog 25:54
not that it wasn't the right answer, because it was the right for me, but that it was the only answer. That's the thing. It's not that it was the right answer. It's not the only one. There are so many ways. And that's the gift of everyone being like you said, this whole village and all the offerings that people

and shifting from what works to what's helpful,

Alanna Beebe 26:14
right. So like you working within and the story, just because you didn't lean into well, what's that one push? Right? Didn't mean that you miss something? Yeah, now, right? Okay,

I didn't need you.

Julietta Skoog 26:26
And the growth mindset for parents is about listening to yourself. It's not about someone else telling you what to do. That's the fixed piece of just there is only one right way, right? I wish you were on my shoulder, that whole concept, but cultivating that inner parenting voice within and turning that volume up.

Alanna Beebe 26:44
Exactly. Because you know, you have intuition. Absolutely. Not the revolution. And that's the revolution. Ah, wouldn't it be beautiful if we got to just show up in adulthood with a tiny little backpack, right of our trauma from our childhood, like you're talking about Casey, in the first one, instead of the U haul, you know what I just want to like, bring it back to that first one. Because our first podcast, if you haven't heard it, as part of this series is really talking about our own childhood, and the things that we are bringing then into our adulthood and into our parenting space. And the stories that we tell about that, and how that looks for us. And, you know, as we've gone through this conversation now and six different series, and now I wish it was 12. But we're gonna stop it here. You know, just thinking through, you know, how we can really evolve as humans. I mean, that's the whole goal here is really thinking about how we can grow and get better, right? Without this knowledge of actually where we're going necessarily, which is a fascinating thing. But what if the future that I see and this thing is my passion behind spreadable and the work that we're doing, is this idea that we're working with our kids, and instead of bringing the U haul trauma, and you know, shame and self doubt, all of these things is I've showing up with all of that, right? What if they showed up with a U haul of tools to deal with life, to have good relationships? To get through the messy things? What if they showed up with a U haul of that and a backpack of trauma instead of the other way around? That's where we showed up, right? We showed up with a tiny little fanny pack of tools, maybe maybe a backpack depending on you. And your story, right? And a you like trauma and zone we want to like let go of and we're spending all this time doing that work? What if we had just gotten to it all, and we had the opposite? What kind of world do we have? What would that look like? Yeah, right? How would we be solution focused? How would we solve big world problems? What would it look like if we weren't just pointing our fingers at everyone else? Well, they're not doing their work. So I'm sitting over here.

Casey O'Roarty 28:55
Yeah. And you mentioned like, early on in the series, that retelling of our story. And when I think about the evolution of my relationship with my mom, specifically, through my growth as a mom, I sit inside of so much gratitude, because, because of who she was, I feel like it has fueled so much of what I do, and who I am in the best possible way. And there's just so much gratitude there. And because of that, we've been able to have this really incredible relationship and her evolution has been possible, which is you know, we all make our own choices around how we grow. really grateful for that. And then the passing on like that interruption. Right. Rowan's going to be a different mom than how I was parented, you know, she'll have to go to therapy for it. Well, she does. But you all have tools, backpack of issues, right.

Julietta Skoog 29:52
And I'll say to just to carry the theme, you know, when I told my story in the first episode, that u haul of that Really sad year my mom being super sick, that was inadvertent, they didn't want it to happen. It wasn't a trauma of being an intentional parenting way, it was just what happened to the family. And, you know, the tools that I grew out of that experience, from an inner child's place of, I can do hard things, having those coping skulls of independence, and really a loyalty with relationships within the family, too. And so then, in this new way, that opportunity that I get to give in this next generation of not having to have that terrible experience in order to grow those things, that those things are so important, you know, and I feel so grateful. And in fact, I've been meaning literally to call my parents and tell them this, then I'm like, Should I text it and they're like no call, then I inevitably have not used

Alanna Beebe 30:51
this as a spreadable crop reels. For

Julietta Skoog 30:54
Instagram, I'm just getting a call from my parents. But what I was gonna say is that I really have noticed just recently that the voice that I have within me is so loving, and so encouraging. And I know that came from that. And so I think like how grateful I am, that there was still this message of love through all of that, you know, and there was a lot of heartache as a young child, but deep down, I felt loved. And so, you know, as I grew, those kinds of early autonomy, independence, skills, feeling alone feeling not seen as a first grader within that school as well, to be able to reparent that in the next generation with my own kids is such a gift because I really get to pass those along without having that u haul truck of the sickness and the cancer. And and I

Alanna Beebe 31:44
think there's, you know, we have this misconception that we can only learn through pain, that said has to hurt in order to learn, I just want to reframe that completely. Zach, we absolutely can learn from pain. And that is our work and our job as individuals to get through that. And that's where this is our individual process. But we don't need our kids to feel pain to learn. They don't have to learn it that way. They don't have to learn responsibility, independence, and resilience and grit and all this stuff, K through eight, they can learn it many different ways. You know, I just think we really need to reframe that from our parenting or teacher perspective,

Casey O'Roarty 32:20
I'm also getting a little paying to acknowledge that there's probably plenty of people that are listening and watching who don't have current adult relationships with their parents. I mean, where it's a really big stretch to find gratitude. So like taka, you know, like, that's not everybody. Yeah, that's not everybody's experience. And I just want to acknowledge that well, and

Julietta Skoog 32:44
I just wanted to differentiate what the U haul truck can be that also like, there's different levels, because I am glad you said that this is what we're our is different.

Alanna Beebe 32:52
But no, but the practice of gratitude is your practice of gratitude. It's not your practice of gratitude with your relationship with your parents necessarily. I mean, that will be an amazing opportunity with your parents, and I didn't have relationship with my mom before she passed away. And that was what was healthy for me. And I still had a practice of gratitude of all the things I got to learn from her. You know, I did my own journaling and my own listing out of these are all the things I learned from her from the ways that she showed up and the way that I want to show up, you know, she was really loving and goofy, and funny and silly, you know, all of those things. And here's all the things that she did that I don't want to do, and I don't want to repeat, and I'm grateful that I got to learn, listen through her, so I don't have to do it. I saw it, you know, I experienced it. And I don't have to do those, I don't have to make those mistakes. There's a huge gratitude for my mom and everything that she taught me in that childhood. And same with my dad, too. I'm just using her as an example for this. It's that perspective of gratitude. When you do that, when you can embrace that, and you can embrace the messiness back to embracing the messiness, right, when you can embrace it, and you can learn, right, then you can solve that you can, you know, move forward. It's the

Casey O'Roarty 33:57
gratitude for the lessons well, and I just love being a part of a generation of people that are ever more likely to lean into personal growth and intention and presence.

Alanna Beebe 34:10
We're here, we're ready. Yeah. You know, however

Casey O'Roarty 34:13
you feel about your parents, you know, personal growth was not a catchphrase, it was not something that was normalized or broadcast, you know, it just wasn't a part of

Julietta Skoog 34:23
their will. And it's interesting, you say this, because my mom her mother died when she was seven. And so she really when she became a mother, she really approached it. She's a scientist from that, like, Well, I really don't know what I'm doing. So I'm gonna go and get a book. It was this like parenting, effective training the PE T model, and that's where she just said, Well, I was just going to, you know, listen, and I was just going to, you know, offer opportunities

for you to do except for grant capable. Well,

Julietta Skoog 34:50
but what I'm saying what I'm saying about Grammy, is that there was how rare it was how there was like, really had nowhere to go and now Now, through this gen nice, right, but that this generation to your point that like how awesome that we are part of this revolution.

Casey O'Roarty 35:08
Yeah, I'm picturing us again, from the beginning. You said, Alana, we're all walking down the street like we're our own poor, everyone's coming all of our friends doing the apparent ad, we're picking

Julietta Skoog 35:19
up this speed. Exactly. So it's that part that's like it used to just be, you know, there wasn't anything before. And now there is. And so that part of truly opening up the doors saying yes, tell me more, you know, for all of us, how's it going in that and what's working? What's helpful over here in this house? What's helpful over here, you know, oh, that's cool. I'll try that. Oh, that's so interesting. But

Casey O'Roarty 35:44
just be open. Just be open, be open, be open. Ah, dignity and respect for all. All

Alanna Beebe 35:51
right. This is the mission statement at spreadable. And I think that in closing this whole series, I just thought this was an important thing to say, because this is something that Casey and Julieta and I, oh, wow, coming up with a mission statement. First of all, it takes a long time, take some work. But this is something we really stand behind us. And that's really important to us. And I think it captures the essence of what we've have been talking about today. So this is just part of it, you can go to our website to our About Us page if you want to read the rest. At its heart. spreadable stands for a world where every human knows that they matter. We believe in everyone's potential for growth. We believe relationship matters. We believe in boundaries with love. We believe in tools that support your heart and your children. You know, it's about potential. And that's what we're talking about today. Like we believe in the potential for humans to change and grow and be better to show up and to feel better, to have better relationships to figure out the hard stuff. We have a lot of hard things to figure out. And we need our kids, we need the next generations and ourselves. We all need to work hard to come up with solutions. We need to be solution focused, we have to be creative, we have to have these things. Like I think that we shouldn't be wasting any more time just dealing with our original personal drama, when there's so much out there that we could really be coming together on and working towards, you know, yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 37:13
And that's the Adler quote, right. Alfred Adler believe that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. So we need the U haul trucks to pull up full of tool tools for how to relate to be in relationship with each other. So this is amazing. So good. I love you too. I love everybody that's watching and listening. Thank you. Thank you for trusting us tuning in and being hopefully entertained and inspired. We're here for you.

Alanna Beebe 37:47
Let us know if you want more of these. Email us. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 37:49
we can do another season. Yeah, this is just the first season of the series. All right. Have a great day everybody. We'll see you soon. Bye

Casey O'Roarty 38:03
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you to my spreadable partners as well as Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected at B spreadable.com. Tune back in later this week for our Thursday show and I'll be back with another interview next Monday. Peace

See more