Eps 488: Thoughts about parenting our older teens and baby adults

Episode 488

As our teens continue to get older, our role in relationship with them changes. It is hard to know where to lean in and where to let go. The good news is there is no “right way” to parent through the second half of the teen years and beyond – instead, we get to become ever better at intuiting what it is our young people need. During this episode, I go through the different eras of later adolescence and offer my thoughts on useful ways of showing up. Can’t wait to hear what you think!

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Takeaways from the show

  • Parenting older teens, stress, and nostalgia
  • Feeling a mix of emotions
  • Focusing on letting go and holding space
  • My reflection on my own experience of my kids learning to drive and how she struggled to let her kids make mistakes and learn from them
  • Recognizing the importance of letting our kids “take the wheel and learn on their own”
  • “Be the container to hold the space” during teenage years, and how it resonates with her own parenting experience
  • The challenges of mid-teen years, including brain development, individuation, and societal messaging, and how parents can hold a supportive container for their children during this time.
  • Mutual respect and influence rather than control
  • Keep your shit together
  • By keeping our own emotions in check, parents can provide a clear lens for their teens to navigate their mid-teen years.
  • The importance of rallying a support team for teenagers when red flags appear.
  • Emphasizing empathy and open communication
  • The challenges of parenting seniors, including providing space for failure and practicing life skills.
  • The power of focusing on trust and empathy
  • The importance of tuning into intuition and understanding their growth.
  • Parents of teens facing challenges are warriors, need empathy & compassion
  • Parenting teens, young adults, and older adult children, with tips for maintaining a healthy relationship

Today, Joyful Courage is tuning into what you want and what you need and believing that it is available to you. 💕

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Casey O'Roarty 00:05
Hello. Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead. It's browseable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:32
Hello, how are you all? I'm so happy to be together again. It's a Thursday. And this time, it's just you and me. It's just you and me. So did you listen to the show on Monday with Elise from premium college prep. I loved that combo because it's so real and relevant for me, and where I'm at with my kiddos. And I know that many of you have kids making their way through high school but some of you have seniors like me, I just love the service that they provide over there. And I really loved getting to know, Elise, that was pretty cool. So if you haven't listened to that show, go listen to it because it's useful this week. You know in the spirit of talking about college this week on the solo show. I want to focus in on those older teens like I mentioned, this is alive for me. So many people I know right now are moving through this some similar things that I am like the final days of high school was the final weeks really we still have a few weeks but I got parents come into town for graduation. I'm totally stressed because every restaurant in Bellingham is booked. I am late to the game you guys I literally made in yesterday I was like, okay, when you get home, I want to sit down with a computer and go into the University of Arizona student portal and make sure that I haven't forgotten to do anything because even though I was a school teacher, I am terrible at keeping track of what's going on at the school. They send these like email newsletters that come to my email the one that I hardly ever check. And then you have to like sign in to read the newsletter. It's really annoying shout out to my friend Leona. Ian's best friend up here Josh's mom, she keeps me in the know on the things and I still miss I still miss meetings and deadlines and it's super annoying.

Casey O'Roarty 03:42
Anyway, this week is all about our older teens, it is super trippy to be here in the final months of kids in the house and Facebook and Google really don't want me to forget that there were days when my kids were little. But the reality is I do have a 21 year old that is living on her own. And really in a lot of ways in many ways and most of the ways killing it at the baby adulting and I've got this 18 year old that is more than ready to launch into the traditional college experience. Whoa, it's really trippy and of course the algorithm right my social media is full of empty nest grown and flown midlife mama messages. And you know I pause and read it which tells Instagram and Facebook like oh, this is what she wants. I also get a lot of ads for like cute jumpers that are kind of tight like have a high waist and flared pants and a lot of cleavage. So Instagram knows what I like Instagram knows what I like yeah, I am super immersed in this reality and here's what I know. Oh, to be true, I will absolutely miss the era of having my kids living in the house with us and that togetherness that family time, and I also am absolutely ready for what's next I'm ready for what's next. I'm excited to visit my kid in college. I'm excited to watch him spread his wings, just like it's such a gift to watch Rowan be doing the same. And, you know, older teens, the parenting feels kind of precarious, doesn't it? I mean, does it? Or is that just me? I don't know. I know. It's not just me, because I talk to a lot of you. And we're like, oh, so they're 18. Now what do we how do we do this? Like, my son is totally forthcoming with his plans. He's super, super self sufficient. He works. He makes food for himself. He shows up places on time, he connects with me and his dad, he's getting things done at school, even if it's, you know, not his best work. Right? And he's not a 4.0 student, not because he can't be. But he's managing. And we talk a lot about what he wants and how we can get there.

Casey O'Roarty 06:24
And sometimes I do feel this little pull of luck, this down. Is it okay? For me to know that thing about him? Should I tell him that he can't do that, right? Like, am I supposed to be parenting him? And we have definitely shifted into a new relationship. I am evermore mum, the mentor versus mom, the parent. And it feels weird to say that because yes, I am the parent. Absolutely. But our relationship is not vertical. It's horizontal. And you know, he has a voice and he has an opinion. And I value that about him. And I listen, and he can change my mind. And I believe in him. And I trust that he wants what's best for him. And I am honestly just so grateful that they both my kids that they want to know what I think. I mean, it's not the dream. They want to know what I think I talked about having that energetic seat at the table. That's what we want. I can have that you guys, I have the energetic seat at the table. And I'm into it. I'm into it. And you know, a few weeks ago, I talked a lot about middle school, navigating the middle school years and gave you some thoughts about what to normalise what to lock in as you move through those early adolescent years. So today, we're going to talk about our older teens, because it looks different, right? It looks different. As they continue to get older, and they continue to learn and grow and develop. It looks different. We get to evolve as well. So we're gonna start off talking about kind of those mid teen years. 15 1617 right, man 15. Let's just Let's just take a moment and acknowledge that 15 is freaking hard, man. Oh, man. 15 There's something about 15 Especially with my daughter. I mean, both of my kids turned 15 during their freshman year of high school. For Ian, that was a COVID year, right. So I was 2020 that he turned 15. So that was weird. Row in, you know, freshman year was rough with her. And there's something about 15 Like they're solidly in the teen years, right, like they're a real teenager at 15. I remember, like the crop tops that Rowan was wearing something about turning 15 made me less uncomfortable with the crop tops. Is that weird? I don't know. It's also a time 1516 driving our kids are driving although I'm totally aware that there's lots of kids that seem to be uninterested in driving, which i None of us understand what is the deal with that? I don't know. But what I love about these driving these learning to drive years is they are a fully immersive experience of literally getting into the passenger seat. Like we cannot remain in the driver's seat if our kids are going to learn to drive and it's such the perfect metaphor, right? Like, can we as they move into mid adolescence, I'm calling it that the mid teen years. Can we get out of the driver's seat can we let them learn Learn can we allow them to make mistakes? Can we shut our mouths? Right?

Casey O'Roarty 10:05
Can we do that? I remember as telling the story today to somebody learning how to drive a stick shift. I was already 16 I didn't know how to drive, but I didn't know how to drive a stick shift. And my dad, the generous father, who didn't want to drive me the 45 minutes to school, so we had to get an extra car. Got me a Honda Civic Hatchback. 1990 It was sweet. It was sky blue. I loved that car. And I didn't know how to drive it. I remember dad took me to Irvine Meadows shout out to Irvine meadows, I saw many of fun concert there. Back in the day, we went to the parking lot, and my dad's tried to teach me how to drive a stick, you know, and I'm stalling of course, because I don't know how to drive a stick. And every time I saw my dad's like, Oh, God, you know, like he's physically ill. And I just remember saying to my dad, hey, I literally don't know how to do this. So I'm gonna have to stall a bunch of times until I learn like, can you relax and let me do that? Right. But going back to my kids learning how to drive, I could not I could not let them learn. I could not shut my mouth. I could not let them make mistakes. So guess what, Ben had to teach the kids how to drive because I was a terrible driving teacher. And still today, my kids are like, You know what, it's really annoying when you're the passenger, and I'm driving. So you know, at least I'm aware. I'm aware of the places where I fall short. Right. So yeah, the driving years, and that metaphor of just getting out of the way, and allowing them to learn, right? I remember 15 is when my girlfriend and you all have heard me say this, told me when things got really hard. She said, You know, we lose them for a bit right now. 15 1617. But they'll come back. Right? I remember her telling me that and thinking to myself, yeah, that's not that helpful right now, because it's really hard. But, you know, it's all these years later, six years later with my daughter, and she was so Right. Right. That's the same friend of mine who took my parenting class. And her kids were a little older than mine. And I remember she said, you know, case, I just realised my job is to be the container to hold the space. And their job is to just bounce all over the container. And I remember that being a really solid, visual reminder for me and other parents who heard her say that, yeah, we are that container. And can we be a container through those hard years, those mid teen years, in a way that when maturity is landed a little bit when identity is, you know, kind of calmed down when they've moved through that really peak experience? Can they? Do they want to come and be in relationship with us? Have we held the container in a way that they want to come back into relationship? Because Damn, you guys, brain development is in full swing, mid teen years of full swing, individuation is happening. There's so uncomfortable, they're so uncomfortable in their skin, even the ones that act like they're so comfortable. And then there's, you know, different from when we were teenagers when I was a teenager in the 80s. Like, I was totally uncomfortable in my skin. And yes, there was society, you know, weird messaging, but holy shit, the level of messaging that our kids are getting is out of hand.

Casey O'Roarty 13:33
I was on a group call with my membership a couple of weeks ago, and one of the moms who has I believe her child is 16, she revealed that they have yet to do social media. And I mean, my jaw hit the floor, and I was like you are a freaking inspiration. If you're listening right now, and you have young kids, young teens, and you haven't done social media, but you're thinking about doing it just don't just hold out as long as you can. Because it is not a useful layer to what is already an uncomfortable growth period. Right? True, true story. It's like teenagers, at this age, these mid teen years. It's like they're wearing clothes that don't fit like, you know, they're like in their identity formation and they're waking up really early to get ready for school or maybe not. And, you know, they're simultaneously in this space of like, look at me, while also like Don't look at me, right? They're trying out all of these ways of being trying to find an outfit, you know, in air quotes, an outfit that works right there in this social relational exploration. They're moving through friend groups, they're finding their people, they're getting into conflict, they're flexing their interpersonal relationship skills, which are emerging skills. They're not like masterful at it.

Casey O'Roarty 14:59
So it gets messy, right? And then they're dating and like making out and they have all these hormones. I mean, holy cow. They're working on defining who they are. Right. And our job is to keep our shit together. That's our job as the parents like big time I sent out just today, or actually, it's going out tomorrow at an email about an upcoming power workshop that I have happening on Tuesday. And I tell this story, a good friend of mine, and maybe I've told it on the pod before but over Christmas I saw friend are over New Year's and my friend cam. And he was like, well just give me the nutshell, like, what's the main thing for parents of teens to think about, and I was like, Don't make it worse, dude. Like, that's what I got for you that if all we do is try not to make it worse, keep our shit together, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. And it's also important because as we keep our shit together, we have a clear lens. When we're not all wrapped up in the drama and wrapped up in our own personal experience and taking things to heart and having hurt feelings. Well, then we can when we're grounded and self aware, we can watch for red flags, because there are red flags during the teen years they happen they happen for us and we can rally the team if things start to go sideways, right. And really, truly, don't be too conservative around this, don't put your head in the sand. There are some really intense things that can happen to some not all some of our kids, which includes eating disorders, screen and substance misuse, reckless behaviour, right self harm, these things are not to be taken lightly. And it's okay, if you don't have the tools to navigate them. Because there are people in the world whose entire life mission is to support families and teenagers. So rally the team, right when you see those red flags, rally the team lean into relationship with your teens. I mentioned this in the talk I did or the podcasts I did about the middle school years, like the importance of that regular one on one time, and connection time. Yes, keep that up. Keep that up lean into relationship. And sometimes leaning into relationship is not talk talk, talk, talk talk. Sometimes it is simply making sure that you are near them that you're close by we have a tool called closet listening where we just sit near our kiddo and we don't talk. Maybe they don't either. I remember doing this. I am not a fit person at all. And Rowan when she was really in her stuff. I remember she'd come down. We watched a lot of criminal minds because that was her favourite show. Not my favourite show. But I watched it. And she would ask me to rub her feet. Oh god, I hate rubbing feet. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I get to put hands on my daughter who doesn't want to hug me doesn't want me to hold her like she was really prickly. She would let me rub her feet. And I mean, I would energetically pour out into her feet, just all the love, all the love and security and compassion and belonging. I mean, just pour it through my hands into her feet into her body. So looking for the opportunity to be in relationship with your middle age teens, middle aged parents, middle age teens, right. Always, always, always come from a place of mutual respect with your older teens and with your kids, period. But definitely, with your older teens because as kids get older, their bullshit radar becomes ever more fine tuned, right? And you get to come from a place of mutual respect. And don't forget what mutual respect means. I'm going to respect you my teen. Right? I'm going to respect the fact that you love tick tock and think that the news is happening on tick tock because holy shit, there is a lot of breaking news on tick tock and we get to be curious about it. I'm going to respect you, I'm not going to belittle you or dismiss you or act like you don't know enough to have a solid opinion. I'm going to respect you while also respecting myself and the situation I'm going to respect myself by taking a pause taking a timeout when I need it walking away if I feel like I'm being attacked or verbally abused, asking for a timeout, right? I'm going to respect myself. I'm going to have some personal boundaries. I'm going to respect the situation. I'm going to keep the people around me safe, right mutual respect, kindness and firmness.

Casey O'Roarty 19:42
I want you people with kids in this age range 515 to 17. Watch for your desire to control the situation you don't get to. You get to have influence you don't get to have control. Those days are over it was all an illusion anyway, but the days of feeling like you can Just scoop up that kid out, put them in their room or keep them from doing the things. Those days are over. So watch the desire to control and look for where you can build influence. Watch your tendency to judge or criticise. Teenagers are allergic, allergic to judgement and criticism. And that even includes the look on your face. Believe me, my kids tell me all the time, because I have a very expressive face. I also have a very expressive sigh. My kids know and they call me out on it, right? They don't want to be judged or criticised. And when you do, because it happens, okay? We're humans. Sometimes it's so hard not to give unsolicited feedback. And that doesn't land well. And when you do, you get to make it right. You get to make those amends, right, get to connect with your kiddo own your behaviour and move on. Right? You get to own your behaviour. You could say it was not okay for me to treat you like that. Like I'm sorry, I got super judgy and hurtful and that's not good communication. And I'm really sorry. Next time. I feel like that this is what I'm going to do different. Right? So making it right, making it right practising curiosity and encouragement. high reps denote that means high reps, high repetitions, practice, practice, practice, curiosity and encouragement, curiosity and encouragement. If you go to my website, be spreadable.com Go into the search bar. But the word curiosity, put the word encouragement, hit the search, you'll find a tonne of podcasts where I talk about both of those things at nauseam. So you know how to be curious. I talked about this all the time. But here's the thing. It's not just like, oh, man, I'm gonna ask a bunch of questions like know, be curious, be curious, get to know your kids, right? Find out about their life, because they're awesome. And they're going through some big stuff. And they may or may not let you in, especially if it's new, and you're all of a sudden asking questions. They're gonna be like, this is a trap. So, you know, have some levity. Say like, this isn't a job. I'm really genuinely curious. I want to know about what's going on in your life. And I think you're so amazing. I think it's so cool that I think you're so bold. I tell Rowan that all the time. I mean, listen, my kid, she is really into tattoos. Okay, she's got a full sleeve. She's got this big, really cool piece on her hip. And right before we go to Oh, hi with my parents who are not into tattoos and very judgy and kind of like one percenter golf people. She was really just like, I'm getting my back piece done at the beginning of June. And I was like, Oh, great, right before our trip to Ohio with the Wilsons. But guess what, she doesn't have my baggage, because she was raised by parents who really said your body your choice, and,

Casey O'Roarty 23:00
and her temperament is like, I don't really care what you say, I'm gonna, I think this is cool. I'm going for it. So wow, she is so bold. She is such an inspiration to me. So yeah, high reps on the encouragement, practice having faith that everything is temporary, except for tattoos, but whatever bring gonna let that go. But everything is temporary 1516. Man, those are can be not for everybody. But for a lot of us. Those can be some intense years. And some of you that are listening right now are in it. You're already in the gauntlet. And maybe your kids are a little younger, maybe they're a little older, but just trust and have faith that everything is temporary. It's not going to be how it is right now. All the time. Your kids will move on. They will grow they will continue to evolve, connect, connect, connect with them. Look for whatever angle you have. You've heard me talk about the rapper, documentaries that I watched. I also watch a lot of sports, right? I watched a lot of Criminal Minds and Vampire Diaries with Rohan. But you know, the eye candy and Vampire Diaries was not too shabby a Criminal Minds was kind of gruesome. I remember, she also liked to watch maybe some of you have this. She also liked to watch this gal who did a video like a YouTube channel where she would do a full face of makeup while also telling a true crime story. It was pretty fascinating. And I remember I was so glad to go up and hang out with Rowan and watch those with her because she would let me sit near her. And we didn't have to talk. And that was the best she could do. And that's how I spent time with her back in the 1617 year old days, man. Oh, I am really glad to be out of that. And finally, you know, let the message of love and acceptance get through. What does that look like? How are you making sure that your teenager knows that they are loved and accepted by you? And if you're not sure, ask them. Right. Ask them. Do you feel? Not? Do you know, but do you feel loved and accepted by me? And how can I do a better job? Right? Let the message of love and acceptance get through? Yeah, 1516 and 17. It's real. It's real. And then, you know, there's those later teen years, maybe you have an 18 or a 19 year old, oof, yay. Right? Yay, sort of, usually, to me, you know, this is this late teen years. This is like senior year of high school. And the year or so that follows. And listen, not all of our kids are going off to college, or moving on, like, what do we do? How do we continue to be the mentor while providing them with enough opportunity to develop life skills and keep growing, even if they're under our roof?

Casey O'Roarty 25:58
Right and senior year, senior itis senior rightous is real. You guys. And I here at our house, I just keep coming back to you know, you live what you practice. So what are you practising? Right? What are you practising in? You know, my kiddo? He's gonna be a college student next year? Is he practising the tools he needs to succeed in college? is he managing his time and connecting with his teachers? Is he keeping up on things? Is he showing up on time to work and school? Right? Is he finishing strong? Not so much in calculus, but am I giving him space to really practice all these things. And, you know, by the way, giving our kids space means giving them space to fail space to feel the tension of not pulling it off, or writing that line, and facing the natural consequences. I would rather that happen now while he's at home. Then later, when he's multiple states away, agreements continue to be real. We have real talked about screens and substances, and girls and all the things, you know, we have real talk about all those things. We have family meetings, not every week, but we're working on it. And we connect over schedules and things that need to get done. You know, my hope is that my kid leaves and lives in the dorm with his roommate. And when things perhaps start to feel a little prickly, or like communication is needed. He's got the tools because he's been practising here at home. Right? So that's what's really up over here. What about having a senior who's flailing? Right? I know, some of you are like, Oh, my God, I'm we're just trying to make it through graduation. After that, who knows what's gonna happen? Listen, my first born didn't make it to senior year. So I know there are a million different scenarios between that and what I'm experiencing within. Right. I think something that just continues to be a tool for supporting those 1819 year olds that are struggling, is really encouraging them to think about what do they want? Right? And what are the baby steps to get there? What do you want? What do you need? What's it going to take? How can I support you? Right? And for a lot of our kids, I know, this was something that came up in our house. There are a lot of reasons why our 18 and 19 year olds might be struggling, right? Mental health is real. Mental health is real. neurodiversity is real, right? And you might have a kiddo who's you know about their neurodiversity? Or maybe you have one that hasn't been diagnosed? Right? But neurodiversity is real, and it can really get in the way of thriving and really launching and also substance misuse. So my encouragement to you is, like, be broad, and how you're thinking about the iceberg. And what's happening under the surface of the iceberg. What could be getting in the way for your kiddo? And I remember, you know, there was a time with my oldest where that question of what do you want? Or what's your vision? Or what do you imagine the next five years? Those questions were too much for her? At one point, like it was too hard for her to even think into the future like that. And that's real. That's not a character flaw. It's real. And it's not something to dismiss. It's something to be curious about, right?

Casey O'Roarty 29:43
What is the power dynamic currently, between you and maybe your senior who's struggling to make it through senior year are you, you know, controlling and critical of them? Right, because if you are, there's a good chance that their response to that could be A Hey, guess what I can be really good at being really bad. Or Fuck you, I'll do what I want. Right when that control and criticism gets to the point and the dynamic where, you know, their only way to maintain their dignity is to push back against you. It's real. And they'll do it. And you know, failure to launch is a real thing, or delayed launch, let's say delayed launch, right, not failure to launch. But because Failure to Launch is really a term that is connected to this idea that our kids should leave the house at a certain time at a certain age, right? And things are changing. So there is a delay, there's a delay to launch for a lot of kids. And if they're staying at home, right, it's really important that we get to have some clear expectations around what that looks like. And I'm not here to tell you what those expectations should be. Right? You have your family values. But just like when they were in school, it's important to hold a container where their growth continues to happen. Right. So do they have a job? Are they volunteering? are they contributing or paying any of their bills? are they contributing to the household? Right? Are they an engaged roommate? What does that look like? And like I said, how are they continuing to grow? They aren't, maybe they aren't what's getting in the way? Right? Your kids, your 18 and 19 year olds, they want a life. And just like when they were young, I loved this, I learned this from Ross green, shifting from Oh, they won't do what I want to they can't do what I want, right? They won't get up and get a job versus they can't that space. They can't if we're assuming Wow, they can't do this right now. Then we get to move into huh? What's getting in the way, we get to move out of this idea that they're just defiant, or they're just lazy, or they're just manipulating and taking advantage of us into what's getting in the way. Because believe me, your kid does not want to live with his parents or her parents the rest of their life. They want to get away from you. They want to move out. So what's getting in the way. And again, we're looking at mental health. We're looking at neurodiversity. We're looking at substance misuse, we're looking at, you know, their internal dialogue and beliefs about themselves. Right. And again, I want to mention, I was a parent with a child who fell apart around this time of life. I was a parent with a child whose path wasn't the same as other families I knew. And I got all sorts of unsolicited advice and thoughts about it from other people. And guess what? No one else was in my situation. So the best thing I did for myself and my daughter was to create a practice of tuning into my own intuition. Right? Not that no one was in my situation, but the people that were offering me information, I could not see what was happening through my eyes, they were not in the house. 24/7 watching it unfold. They weren't here when the family was on the couch and really, really like belly laughing and so connected, right? They weren't here for the highs. They weren't here for the lows. They were on the outside looking in. And well intending. People offered me all sorts of thoughts that weren't useful. Right? Not only were they not useful, but it got really tiresome to try to say, I believe it's going to be okay. Right. I know, this doesn't look like I just found myself kind of like when Ben was sick, and people were like, Oh my God, how are you? You know, where I all of a sudden, I'm taking care of other people through their experience of our challenge that showed up when Rowan was having a hard time. And I have friends and clients right now who are in similar situations that I was in and man the work of dropping your timeline and society's timeline and trusting your kiddos process,

Casey O'Roarty 34:08
especially when mental and physical health is in the mix. This is the best thing you can do. Let go of the timeline. And trust yourself and trust your kid. And there are some kids and some families. Like I said from the outside looking in, you may think geez, they're just those parents. They're letting them do get away with murder. But you know what, you know what that kid is actually doing? You know what my kid was doing that look like nothing. She was surviving. They are surviving a time of life where they for whatever reason, feel hopeless, and left behind. The parents of these kids are warriors. We are warriors. It is next level parenting to be with this with our older teens next level and I see all of you out there are who are doing their best to show up every day and be there, the best thing you can do is notice your tendency to judge yourself and learn to do that less. The best thing all of you listeners can do is notice your tendency to judge other people to look at another family, your neighbour, your friend, your family member, and recognise when you're in judgement. And remember, you're not in that situation, you don't know what's actually happening. So calm down, they don't need your advice. What they do need is your empathy, and they need your compassion, and they need to know that you're available to listen, and that you'll keep your mouth shut. All right, that's my little PSA.

Casey O'Roarty 35:46
And then, you know, moving from that space and time into the young adult years, right, and I'm in this phase, I'm in this phase with Rowan, and it's awesome. It's new, you know, she turned 21 In January, but I love it. And that being said, I'm still very much adjusting my expectations, and my role to be who she needs me to be, while also being in my own truth. Right. She lives on her own. She's in college, and she's making her own choices. And she's, you know, she's got this amazing drive that I never saw coming. And it's really pretty spectacular, right? So mom, as mentor is in full effect. You know, we offer some financial help, you know, and a lot of us get to do that I feel very privileged that we can support her that way. You know, if your kiddos in college or community college or a trade school, if you're paying for it, what are the expectations? Are there strings attached or not be explicit about that. Maintain encouragement, maintain, you know, your faith, be verbal, be vocal, be explicit about the faith you have in your young adult, right, be emotionally honest, be real, and keep nurturing relationship, relationship relationship relationship, you still want a seat at the table, right? However, you have to ask permission before giving them advice. And you have to respect it when they say no, thanks. I'm good. I don't want to know what you think, which happens over here celebrate who they are, they are still in their unfolding as are we, right? These young baby adults, oh my god, what a time of life. What a time of life. And if you have a 2021 22 year old or older, still living at home, you get to set your personal boundaries, you get to have household expectations, you get to talk about safety, right? Be explicit, be a good communicator, you know, engage in collaborative problem solving when something isn't working. Make sure that everyone who lives at home partners, grandparents and young adult kids are contributing to the household, right? Have those family meetings, you can get creative with this. You can get creative with this. Right? This is a good time. It's pretty wild. And then 25 and beyond, oh my God fully developed brains, you're gonna need to hang in there a few more years till I get there. And they can speak with confidence about my opinion of parenting our kids. Oh my god with fully developed brains.

Casey O'Roarty 38:26
I will say I've had parents with adult children recently reach out for support, right, like older older parents, with adult children who have kids of their own, saying, Hey, can you support me in connecting with my adult child and listen, and the good news is that so much of what we're talking about here on the pod is absolutely relationship strengthening skills, and they're useful no matter where you are in your parenting journey. There's no leg up doors, close windows shot can't fix this. No way. You can always nurture a relationship with your kiddo. Right? If you're a parent of an adult child that it's hard to connect with. I have all sorts of thoughts on how to explore what relationship could look like. Just like these skills and tools are so useful in our partnerships to like this isn't really about parenting. It's about being in relationship with other humans. Right? So listen to the podcast, and go back and think to yourself, how could this look with my older adult child? Right? You'll find some nuggets, you'll find some nuggets. Ah, man, I have a lot to say today. That's what I have for you today. It was jam packed. Right? older teens say good times. I would love to hear from you. I would love to hear from you in the Facebook group. There is a post just waiting for you to show up and offer what were your takeaways. I'd like to know where are you in the adolescent timeline and what did you hear today? On this show that broaden your perspective, and what will you put into practice? What are you gonna put into practice that you're taking away from the show? Please, please, please keep offering up reviews on Apple podcasts, share this show with your friends, your word of mouth makes all the difference. I so appreciate you I love getting emails and direct messages from you. I love it when you reshare and your stories are on your page and tag me so so special to know that what I'm putting out matters to you. And check out the website for current offerings. I have the membership programme. I do live classes all the time either standalone power workshops or the six week class. There are recorded summits from years past that are designed specifically for parents of teens. And of course the you know endless supply of podcasts are all there on the website B spreadable.com/teens. will take you to the teen section all the love my friends, thank you so much for listening, go have some water, walk it out of your body and have a beautiful beautiful day. Thanks for being here by.

Casey O'Roarty 41:20
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my spreadable partners, Julieta and Alana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at B sprout double.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.

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