Eps 490: Endurance, personal growth, and intersecting with our adolescents’ experience

Today Joyful Courage means being aware of when I am in the contrast, when I am experiencing negative thoughts and emotions, and taking a pause to shift into being/doing from a more productive and positive place.

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 00:05
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey O'Roarty, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space-holder, coach, and the adolescent lead at Sproutable. Also a mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with Positive Discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:32
Okay, hi. Hi, welcome back. I'm drinking some coffee. I am excited to be here with you. It's Thursday, it's solo show day. How does that feel? I hope that feels good. I'm getting really good feedback from so many of you about enjoying the solo shows, including some feedback about a show I did a few weeks ago, around middle schoolers. I had a parent in the Facebook group say, you know, wow, that was a really jam packed and overwhelming podcast episode, which got me thinking about perhaps doing Middle School series for you all, because I know I know what happens. I kind of follow the trajectory of my own kids, if you haven't noticed, and I don't want to leave anyone behind. And I know a lot of you listeners have found me recently, or have been listening for a while. And now you're finally in adolescence, and I'm talking about 17 1819 year olds. So I think it would be really cool and useful to do some mini series around middle school, as well as some of the different ages. So just know, your feedback really matters to me. And I take it to heart and I use it. So keep sending it my way. Whether it's in the Facebook group joyful courage for parents of teens, if it's sending me private messages on Instagram, or Facebook or an email at Kc at joyful courage.com or leaving a review on the pod on Apple podcasts. There's lots of different ways to let me know what you think and what you'd like more of because I'm just you know, I'm just using my intuition here peeps, I'm just paying attention to what's coming to life with my clients and my membership in the community and rolling with it. So yeah, speaking of which I have definitely been inspired. This show is for sure been inspired by some things going on with some of my clients and things that I'm seeing in the community Absa lately. So I'm excited to get into it. I'm excited to get into it. And at the start, when I started writing my notes for this show, the theme was having the strength to endure having the strength to endure. And I want to acknowledge as we move into this show, that not all experiences of raising teens are the same. I recently saw a post somewhere and the mom was like, you know, there's a lot of talk about how hard the teen years are and how shitty it is. But I'm having a great time and everything's great for us. And I want to acknowledge that parent and say, Yeah, I do think that we get to pay attention to our language around teenagers and teen years. I think there's a heavy negative language around this season of parenting. It makes sense because it's a hard season for sure in a lot of ways, and depending on who we are. We're going to get into this. You know, we make it harder or we experience it is harder. And it is a collective experience. There is you know this Knowing amongst parents of adolescents for sure, I mean, we know we catch each other's eye, we know and can acknowledge that we've been through some stuff, or are going through some stuff if we are parents of teenagers. And I love that I love meeting other parents of teens and just being like, Oh, yep, seeing you because guess what adolescence is something else. It's something else. It is its own unique era, right? For the adolescents moving through it. Absolutely. And also, for the people that love them that are teaching them shout out to all the high school and middle school teachers, thank you for your service. It is raw, and unexpected, and sweet and hilarious, right? Adolescence, it's all the things, and some of us experience more of the sweet and hilarious and some of us, it's the raw and unexpected, many of us ride through it all, with even more, right with even more. And, you know, it's dependent on a lot of things, what the experience is for each of us, right? Our kids come with different temperaments. They not to be too woowoo, but going to be too woowoo, they show up for their unique journey of life, right, their unique experience of life, and it's unfolding, right, it is unfolding during adolescence. You know, it's all about what our kids are learning along the way. Right? And we're going to talk about long term parenting, what are they learning through their experiences I love my friend, Chris bullards book is called grow through what you go through, he was on the podcast a couple years ago. It's all about how they're growing through what they're going through, right. It's about what they're learning, because of the natural consequences and the tension of life. Right? It's about what they're learning in the processing of those natural consequences, intentions of life or lack of processing, right? It's learning through the processing or lack of processing that we are doing and perhaps facilitating with them, right? It's also about our temperament, right? Our temperament, the parents, temperament, the parents journey, how we are experiencing the behaviour of our kids. And I've talked about this before, right? Like, it's so interesting to me, the things that that parents in my community come to me with, and how they get really worked up about some things that are not worrisome to me when my kids get into it, right. And then there are things that parents are really okay with that, in my experience, I'm like, Whoa, that one is hard for me to hold, right. And it really comes back to how we're experiencing our teens behaviour, how our life experiencing a life experience and conditioning is infiltrating our experience of our teens behaviour, our ability to be in the processing, right, our ability to be in the processing with them in a way that is helpful and not hurtful. This all is in the soup of this season of parenting. And I know this isn't a new topic. Okay, listen, I know, like my theme. And at the end of the day, nearly 500 episodes in, we're going to be rolling around unfamiliar territory and looking at it from multiple lenses. That is my goal with the podcast, right? You listeners, especially those of you that have been around for a while, or have been consuming a bunch, my guess is you are seeing the through lines, right? You're seeing the threads, you're hearing the themes. And that's the goal, man. That's the goal. That's the goal. You can't hear the same things too many times. Right. So yeah, it's this intersection between our kids temperament and journey with ours. Right? We come into the intersection, we parents come into the intersection with a lot more baggage than our kids do. Right.

Casey O'Roarty 09:31
I mean, you know, I say baggage, yes, wisdom, lived experience, but also a lot of maybe uncovered conditioning, beliefs, baggage, you know, we have some shit that we're holding, maybe stored away that we don't even realise is there until we're in that intersection with our kids. For example, here is something and I'm aware of this baggage, but I'm going to tell you a little story. Though Rowan, my daughter, my 21 year old, she's been on the podcast a few times. And one of the times she came on and she talked about how she got her first tattoo on her 18th birthday. Well, it's nearly three and a half years later and she's gotten a lot more tattoos. She's got this beautiful sleeve that goes up through her shoulder on one of her arms. She's got this beautiful piece on her hip, and has an appointment to have this big back tattoo done in early June, just a few short weeks before we head out to my dad's 80th birthday in fancy pants. Golf land. Okay, I think you know where this is headed. So I've talked a lot about Rowan on the podcast. And she is bold and brave, and has shown me again and again and again and again and again, that she is her own person. And she will do what she wants. Right. She has taught me that her journey is hers and has given me ample opportunity to let go detach, let go detached while remaining in relationship with her. Right? her body, her choice, her life, her choice. And I trust her I trust that she knows who she is, I know that she'll grow and develop and at 40 and 50 years old, just like all of us, she'll have opinions about who she was at 21. And all of that is hers. She is a complete Rockstar. And I am in awe of her boldness, like super inspired by it. And we have a great relationship. And finally, she is in a place where she does reach out to me and say, Hey, what do you think about this? She doesn't do that with tattoos but with other domains. She listens and wants my opinion, which is awesome. And man, I've got some baggage about tattoos. And it's funny because I love tattoos. I have tattoos. But my family, my dad, my stepmom. Oh, buddy, so much judgement there. And here we are going off into Fancy Pants golf land poolside with this whole part of my family. Right and I teased Rowan about her appointment. Being weeks before our trip. I was like a really nice timing. And she said, Mom, you know what? I don't have the issues you have with grandpa? No, she does not. And guess what, I don't need to pass those on. I don't need to pass on my need for approval from my dad on to my daughter. Right? So really, this whole trip is a practice for me navigating my internal experience and loving up that girl of mine and fancy man's golf land, because she is rad. And that place needs to lighten up anyway. Right? And I want her ultimately what I want for all kids, including my own is a deep feeling of acceptance. That's what I want. That's what I want for all kids. Can you imagine the world that we would be living in? If the humans, the adult humans were raised in a space that said, I accept you? Right? You don't need to please me, you simply need to please yourself, right? You get to choose for you don't choose for me? Can you imagine? It would be a different world, it'd be a different world. So yeah, we come into our teens experience with our own baggage and our own beliefs. And sometimes that's helpful. And sometimes a lot of time, not so much. Not so much. They are going to have their experience, right. Our teens and tweens, they're going to make their mistakes, maybe they won't make mistakes that are hard for you to be with. Maybe they will. Maybe they are doing that. Regardless of the road that you're on with your teen and tween you're gonna have things to move through. And for some of us, the hits will just keep on coming for a while. Oh, man, listen to the podcast from like, 2017 through 2021. You'll, you'll hear me enduring and navigating the hits that keep on coming. And sometimes we feel like we're doing all the things like I'm doing the things and being curious and leaning into relationship. I'm encouraging them. I'm empowering them. I'm showing up. And it feels like nothing's working, quote, right. I'm putting working in quotes. I think we can very easily get caught up in the outcome too often, and we miss what's actually happening inside of the relationship. Right, we miss the fact that we have a relationship with our child means that those hits that keep coming aren't as damaging as they could be, if relationship wasn't there, right. And there's short term parenting, and there's long term parenting, and I've talked about this before on the podcast, and I've talked about it in the context of screens at school and risky behaviour, right? What do we want most? What do we want most? What do you want most for your kids? Right? Like with the phones, yes, we want them to have limited screen time and a life outside of those devices. Side note on this, I am going to be loud and proud about the wait till eight movement from here on out. Because, I mean, it's the fucking phones, you guys, the only way we can rein it in and rein in the crazy that's happening with our kids and their phones is for all of us to stand together and shift the cultural norms that are developing. Did you know that the average age kids are getting smartphones is 10 years old? This is not okay. It's not okay. And it's damaging. Right? So wait till late movement. I'm going to talk more about that somewhere else. So but I just want to give that little shout out. Check it out. I mean, Google wait too late. That's a whole thing. Okay. Yes. So we want our kids to have limited screen time and a life outside of their phones. Yes, we want our kids to go to school and do well and learn and set themselves up for what's next for them. And let's be honest, many of us are also sitting in this idea that we know best, what should be next for them. And we don't want our kids to do anything risky. We take it personally, when they sneak out when they lie when they explore their sexuality before we think they're ready when they try substances. We take it personally because we told them not to do these things, right maybe even had some really big heart to heart combos about it felt confident that what we said really landed, we feel good about their morals and their values. And then.dot.we find out they've been ditching class, or vaping, or given blow jobs or sending nudes or smoking weed or drinking or driving without a licence or out all night. And we slide right into Oh my God, how could they do this to us? I literally have that written in all caps in my notes. How could they do this to us? After that amazing conversation we had about this? And yes, we worry, we worry for them and their future. But also we're sitting inside of how could they do this to us?

Casey O'Roarty 17:46
Right, I thought our relationship was better than this. And truly get honest with yourself. Our emotional attachment to our kids behaviour, could use some work. All of us, myself included, we are all overly attached to our kids behaviour. And yeah, it makes sense. I'm not going to argue that and this is a place to do some work. And I hear you. But Casey we're doing all the things. And I thought things were going so well and getting better. And now this now this right? This is what really trips us up is it can feel like you're on solid ground and things are going well. And then it feels like oh my gosh, things are actually getting worse. Or it feels like what you're doing or saying isn't having an impact. But what if you decide that what you're doing and saying and who you're being? is having an impact? What if you decide that your child is moving through their experience? And you are just the supporting character that's holding a container of love and acceptance and faith? Right? I just had this epic kind of woowoo conversation with a parent recently, like this morning about all of this. What if the experiences your child is having is actually serving them in ways that you can't understand, but you're willing to trust? Listen to my language, they're one of the experiences which might be any struggle, right could be a friend struggle and identity struggle or risky behaviour, struggle, whatever. What if the experiences your child is having are actually serving them in ways that you can't understand, but are willing to trust and your job isn't to make it all go away, but to witness their experience and show up for your kiddo through the experience and not make it about you. This is long term parenting when we look out beyond the current challenge and look into a future Were the experiences your child is having now, and your response and space holding is informing and inspiring the decisions and skills they have to lean on later in life. Long term parenting, right? And I see you with, you know, some of you with early adolescent kids, middle school parents, and that might feel like later in life might feel like a long time from now. But what if you were this lens and this belief, as you move through the terrain and the season of adolescence, long term parenting means that we shift our focus from how do I get them to stop doing this thing? How do I make sure they never do this thing? To what are the skills they need to navigate this thing? What is happening underneath or behind the behaviour that's motivating or feeding into it? And how can I be supportive in that space? Right? And I realised, listen, this is bigger than just like change your mind. Right? Think about it a different way. We all have our own stuff to work out. Absolutely. And if you've been keeping up with the podcast, you may be listened to my solo show about beliefs, Episode 480. And worst case scenario, thinking Episode 482, I'm hoping that those two pods are companions to this one, if we want to uplevel our parenting, our own personal growth is non negotiable. I'm gonna say this, again, if we want to uplevel our parenting, our own personal growth and development is non negotiable, we have to do it. If we're keeping our eyes on the prize long term relationships with our adult kids, right of seat at the table with our growing kids, we have to work out our stuff, right? So that we can really be there as cleanly, right with as less baggage as possible. As they move through what they are moving through. Having the endurance right back to endurance, having the endurance to make it through the teen years and beyond means we get to recognise where tension shows up for us and be curious about it. And listen, this isn't just about parenting, like the life experience is about personal growth. Like our biggest challenge might be raising teenagers, our biggest challenge in life might be a messy divorce, it might be a life altering illness, it might be losing a parent or a spouse. I mean, there's plenty that shows up in the unfolding of life. And it requires endurance, right? And endurance comes from the deep work, I think of tending to ourselves, right? Learning ourselves, listening to ourselves, trusting and having faith and confidence in ourselves. Right, having the endurance to make it through life means we get to recognise where tension is showing up and being curious about it. Right? That's one small step. And you know what, good news. You don't have to do this all on your own, go to therapy, right? Go to therapy, go to an energy worker, go to a psychic, like whatever your avenue for personal growth is. Take it hire me as your coach, much of my work with parents is exactly this. Figuring out what is getting in the way of being who our teens need us to be. It's not the same as therapy. But it is absolutely personal growth and development. By the way, you can book an explore call, we can get on the phone for 15 minutes, at least, bro audible.com/explore. Sometimes the podcast isn't enough. And you need a little hand holding I am here for you. So yeah, hi. As we sit inside of all that is alive for us in this moment as we take in the season of parenting. I really want you to breathe in. And as you do animate the strength that already exists inside of you to be with whatever you're moving through. I want you to breathe in and feel your feet on the ground, grow your faith and trust in yourself. Yes, endurance. You are exactly the right parent for your growing child. And they are here to grow you too. Do you believe that? Can you trust that? Can you be inside of this long term parenting mindset? Can you put it on maybe put it on a post it note put it in your work? Old remind yourself that it is about the processing the moving through more so than it is about what particular challenge is unfolding on any given day. Can you do that? Are you willing? Are you willing? Beautiful? Let's keep this conversation going because I'm into it. I hope that this was helpful to you my little free flow riff of a solo show this week. Mimi over in the joyful courage for parents of teens Facebook group are you in there? I know many of you are, but a lot of you aren't. And when you get in there, you'll see the posts for today's podcast. And here are the invitations. One, what are your takeaways, what lit you up today? To how are you intersecting with your experience of your kids behaviour and choices? And three? What are you willing to do to keep long term parenting top of mind? Share with us share with us be in community because man that's the only way to do parenting is in community for sure. So, so good. I so appreciate you. I'm so grateful that you listen, and I'll see you next week. Bye.

Casey O'Roarty 26:19
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my spreadable partners, Julieta and Alana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at B sprout double.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.