Eps 568: Positive Discipline for Teens Part 3 – Centering encouragement

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hey everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. I am loving the feedback that I'm getting about these Monday shows that I'm doing, highlighting the chapters of the Positive Discipline for Teens Book by Dr. Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott. This book, this book is like. The foundational text to what we're doing here.
[00:01:52] And I just love, I mean, I, I don't even know how many times I've read it. I've read it so many times, and so it's really fun. I. To move through it yet again with all of you and offer up some hot takes. What I think about what it's sharing about parenting teenagers, and I heard from my good friend Marissa.
[00:02:13] My Marissa has a teen and a tween, and she. Lives on a sailboat. She lives on a sailboat like, I don't even know. Where are you, Marissa? You're in the South Pacific somewhere. She's been following along and she shared with me recently. She wrote, as I read, I feel myself chuckle, being reminded what it was actually like to be a teenager.
[00:02:33] All the feels and the thoughts that actually dominated my mind and body then are a world away. From where I am as the mother to a teen and almost teen. Now, how can I hold this empathy when I'm face to face with all the regular struggle stuff, mine and theirs? How will I actually relax and get curious when furious comes first?
[00:02:55] Looking for a breakthrough here so far, the book is helping me to intellectually separate and see that these parenting years may end up being a time of individuation. For us all. I love that. I love that. Marissa, thank you so much for sharing. I love the inquiry and reflection here. Her questions, how can I hold this empathy when I'm face to face with all the regular struggle stuff mine and theirs?
[00:03:22] How will I actually relax and get curious when furious comes first? Super powerful questions. I think the more that we dig in and spend time in this kind of wonder, the more we walk the path of personal growth and development and stay open. My friends, keep your energy aligned with what you want most. I would invite you, Marissa, and the rest of you to keep your eyes on maintaining connection and being solution focused.
[00:03:53] Let's see how that shows up in today's show. So today. We are digging into chapter seven, eight, and nine, family meetings, special time and empowering over enabling. So we're gonna start with chapter seven. Do family meetings, work with teenager Well. Before we even get into this chapter, let's explore what the research says about family meetings.
[00:04:22] Research consistently supports family meetings as valuable tools for improving family dynamics, communication and emotional wellbeing. Regular meetings. Regular meetings provide a structured space for all family members to express themselves, which helps teens and children feel seen, heard and valued.
[00:04:45] Isn't that what I talk about all the time here on the pod? This sense of inclusion actually reduces anxiety, encourages emotional regulation, and builds trust between parents and teens when families take time. To talk through concerns and solve problems together, plan ahead. They experience fewer conflicts and more cooperation overall.
[00:05:11] Woo woo. Family meetings are known to promote autonomy and accountability, and the involvement boosts our kids' sense of responsibility and fosters important life skills like empathy, active listening, and respectful disagreement. How about that? I mean, yes, please. Isn't that what we want? The authors of this book, like I mentioned, Jane Nelson and Lynn Lot make a point of inviting readers to jump in wherever with this resource.
[00:05:40] But I feel like everything we've read so far really sets us up for this chapter on family meetings. I've dedicated entire solo shows to family meetings. Check out episode three 13 if you wanna give it a listen and go deeper. Truly though, where we've been getting curious about if your teen feels like you're on their side.
[00:06:02] Taking a look at your parenting style, moving towards more kindness and firmness, reframing mistakes, motivation, communication, all of this over the last few weeks. All of this leads us to family meetings. Family meetings is a favorite tool in the positive discipline. I. World. This is a space where we get to practice all of our skills, communication and self-regulation, especially.
[00:06:30] I had a client once ask me, how do you stay calm during family meetings? And I totally started laughing because I am working so hard during family meetings to stay regulated, really giving space for my kids to show up as they do Ian. Leaning back in his chair, the kids kind of bickering and going back and forth with their banter.
[00:06:56] And truly, I have to let go of outcome and release my deep desire to be in charge of the whole thing, for it to be a useful way to be together and solve problems. And it's hard for me. It's really hard for me. I am working hard during family meetings and. Even families that have been leading family meetings like mine since the kids were young, may have teens that are over it.
[00:07:24] It's okay. My message to you is, and the, the authors of this book encourage us to stick with it. What I love though is that there's no pretending in the book that teens are super in love with family meetings or that they're gonna show up really well all the time. There's talk in the book about resistance and attitudes from teens, and again, this is a place where we all get to practice skills.
[00:07:51] We get to show up. Well, even when our kids maybe aren't right, the chapter gets into, you know, form and guidelines and I am quick to tell families that I work with to make family meetings. Work for your family, tweak it for buy-in and time management. Make it yours. But there's a couple places to keep in place if you're going to continue with or start family meetings.
[00:08:20] The first thing is we always start family meetings with compliments and appreciations. Listen. Compliments and expressions of appreciation have a powerful effect on the brain when someone receives a genuine compliment. The brain releases dopamine, which makes people feel good and encourages them to repeat the behaviors that earned those appreciations and compliments.
[00:08:48] Compliments, also strengthen self-esteem and foster a sense of belonging, which is exactly what we want as we start the process of a family meeting. Giving and receiving appreciation strengthens social bonds and increases trust. It also helps reduce stress by lowering. Levels of cortisol, which is the stress hormone and boosting oxytocin, which is sometimes called the bonding hormone.
[00:09:14] Over time, this can lead to better emotional regulation, improved mood, and even enhanced physical health. Right? Family meetings starting with. Compliments and appreciation can really nurture a culture of more positive emotional climate and encourage cooperation and empathy, all the things that we want in our home, right?
[00:09:39] Yay. Also, the second thing to make sure you keep in place when you're creating a family meeting space that works for your family is to keep your focus on finding solutions when you get to the problem solving. You really want to stay focused on solutions. Focusing on solutions is important because it shifts.
[00:10:01] Attention away from blame and shame or dwelling on problems, and instead channels energy towards constructive change. This is what we're looking for. This is what we want people. This mindset encourages problem solving, creativity, and forward thinking, which can lead to more effective outcomes and greater resilience.
[00:10:26] Hello? Yes, please. When teens are guided to thinking about what can be done rather than what they did wrong or what went wrong, it builds a sense of competence and autonomy, right? They begin to see challenges as opportunities to learn rather than as failures to avoid deepening that mindset of mistakes being opportunities to learn, right?
[00:10:52] We already learned about that in this book. We wanna hold mistakes as opportunities to learn to do that. To truly do that, we have to stay solution focused. Solution focused combos also reduce conflict and promote collaboration. So instead of getting stuck in those power struggles with our teens or criticisms, families can work together to find a mutually beneficial path forward.
[00:11:21] Yay. This creates a more respectful and emotionally safe environment where everyone feels heard and empowered. And man, that does so much for relationship, we want our kids to come to us, right? They're only gonna come to us and share if the space feels safe for them. Yes, yes, yes. And then thirdly, family meetings.
[00:11:46] The last thing I'll say. As far as what to keep in place as you make it your own, check your agenda at the door, my friend. Your kids are gonna be more encouraged to participate in family meetings when they truly feel like it is a space for them, rather than just another time in the week where they're being told what they're doing wrong by their parents.
[00:12:11] Hear what they have to say. Do more listening, less talking, ask questions. Stay curious. Be open to the solutions they come up with and trust the process. Right? The chapter shares an example of one family meeting. Again, keep in mind your family meetings are gonna look and sound as unique as your family, but there is an example with language in quotes from one particular family in our family meetings.
[00:12:38] The problem solving time was more often than not spent on how each person was contributing to maintaining the household. We did a lot of problem solving outside of family meetings. Family meetings, really just kind of focused on how are we working together as a family in this space and in relationship.
[00:12:56] Every few weeks we would circle back and check in and make tweaks as needed. Full transparency. We also fell out of weekly family meetings as the kids got older, but tried to get at least one or two in a month. The nice thing about our family, because we had so much practice, was that the kids knew what to do even when a few weeks went by or honestly.
[00:13:19] A few months. Ultimately, you get to decide if family meetings are something you wanna begin and continue with with your teens. I noticed that when we had regular family meetings, our family felt more connected throughout the week and I felt less annoyed. It isn't about perfection. It's about seeing and hearing each other and practicing the skills as we solve problems as a team.
[00:13:46] I think this chapter breaks it all down. I. Really well and gives you some really great places to start Again. You can go to my episode where I talk all about family meetings and each specific step.
[00:14:09] So yes to family meetings. Love it. Family meetings solve problems. They build relationship. They're a place for encouragement. They really capture all the pillars of positive discipline. So yes, I encourage you to think about either resurrecting family meetings, if you've got enough track or. Start them.
[00:14:31] Start them with your kiddos, right? And when you start them, you can just start with compliments and appreciations. And, you know, some of the other things that you can add are, you know, menu planning. You can talk about events, you know, vacations, things that are coming up in the calendar. The schedule.
[00:14:50] Family meetings are really useful.
[00:14:55] Chapter eight is called How Can You Spend Time with Your Teen? So, you know, one thing I notice when our kids are really young is in the parent education space, we spend a lot of time talking about the importance of special time of one-on-one time, right? If you remember when your kids were young and you were reading blogs or maybe.
[00:15:21] Books or listening to podcasts, everybody talks about how important it is to have regular, special time with your young child. Unstructured, no agenda. I see you. I'm playing with you. I'm connecting with you. Special time. You know what? It's also super important to get the one-on-one time with your teen as they move through adolescence.
[00:15:48] And I love how this chapter starts. This chapter starts with a story about a dad whose attempts at controlling his son's use of drugs and alcohol has been breaking down the relationship. Yeah. Drugs and alcohol. These are scary things, right? And if you've got kiddos that are experimenting with drugs and alcohol, I see you.
[00:16:12] I see you and I see your fear and worry. These are scary things and I appreciate that the authors of this book. Aren't afraid to throw them into the mix. Right. Side note, when we get scared, we get rigid and we try to shut things down. We try to control things only to find that we aren't often anyway, we aren't creating the outcome we want, and more likely our teens are going underground, getting sneaky.
[00:16:44] Definitely are less and less encouraged to connect with us. This is no bueno, and in the book, they go on to share. Sometimes you get the best results by forgetting about behavior and focusing on relationship. I mean, I love that the authors are willing to go there in this context of, so your teen is experimenting with substances.
[00:17:12] So let's take a look at this story. So the story talks about how this dad takes that advice to heart. Getting the best results can be forgetting behavior and focusing on relationship. He decides he's just gonna work on spending time with his son who he feels disconnected from. At the start of the story, he shows up at his son's school and gets permission to take him to lunch.
[00:17:33] At first, there's no talking. His son is suspicious of this move, unsure about what's going on. Guarded. Right after a few weeks, the teen starts to open up, share small things. The dad does the same, staying away from lectures and hard conversations, and slowly they come back. To relationship and they're getting to know each other right?
[00:17:58] Simultaneously. The dad has stopped trying to control his son's behavior, and again, is instead focusing on his son's strengths and assets, sharing about how much he loves him and how grateful he is to have him as a sun. And over time, the sun starts to show up better at home, tends to be a little bit more easygoing.
[00:18:23] And then when a Wednesday rolls around where the dad doesn't come for lunch, he misses him and is wondering what's going on. So here's what I love. The story isn't neat and tidy, right? The story isn't neat and tidy. It's not black and white. It's gray. The dad doesn't know if the sun gives up experimenting with substances, but the relationship is being repaired.
[00:18:48] And from the book I quote, the dad was creating an atmosphere in which his son could think more about how his behavior affected his life, rather than spending so much energy on getting even with his dad for the overly controlling lectures and criticism. So good special time is the backdoor to influence, right?
[00:19:14] It's the backdoor to relationship. And there's a whole page. In this chapter for how to spend time with your teen and a section that is titled Hang Out and Be Available. This is everything. While you're at it, follow these tips from the book. Keep your mouth closed and do more listening. Keep your sense of humor intact.
[00:19:35] Keep your ears open and curious. Keep your heart warm and grateful. Keep a desire to understand your teen's world rather than working to get them to see things through your lens. I mean, this is huge for me. I was just talking to my, I. A personal trainer that I meet with once a week. Alec, shout out to Alec.
[00:19:56] He does not have kids, so he does not listen to this podcast. But we were talking about the places where we get in the way of our relationships with our partners, and one of the things that I do is I just wanna be right and I want everybody to see how I am. Right? Right. I want people to see through my lens and in that process.
[00:20:18] I am dismissing the experiences of others. So I think this piece keep a desire to understand your teen's world at the forefront is so important. Episode 534 of the podcast. Digs even deeper into special time and specifically about creating special time with your teen when there's a lot of resistance.
[00:20:43] And I know there are plenty of you listening right now who might be thinking, you know, both about the family meetings and about the special time. Like, yeah, this all sounds great. And I have kiddos that are closed off or withdrawn or refusing to connect with me. So those two podcasts, three 13 and 5 34 are gonna be really helpful as companions to chapters seven and eight.
[00:21:09] All right, check those out. The final chapter that we're covering today. I love, love, love is chapter nine. Are you enabling or empowering your teen? I. Are you enabling or empowering your teen? I love this question. I think so many of us are in that tension between how much we push, how much we let go, and it can feel like there is a fine line between enabling and empowering our teens.
[00:21:42] And that line lies in whether our support helps them grow into capable, responsible individuals or whether it protects them. From discomfort at the cost of their development. So enabling often means stepping into fix, rescue, or shield teens from the natural consequences of their actions. While it might come from love.
[00:22:07] Or a desire to help. It can inadvertently communicate a lack of trust in their abilities and keep them dependent, not what we want. For example, repeatedly doing a teen's homework or making excuses for their behavior prevents them from learning, responsibility and resilience. On the other hand, enabling involves offering support, guidance, and encouragement while still holding.
[00:22:34] Boundaries and allowing teens to experience the outcomes of their choices. It's about saying, I believe in you. I'm here to help you if you need it, but I also totally trust you to take the lead and I have faith in your capabilities. Empowerment fosters confidence, problem solving and ownership. It often means standing back a little.
[00:22:58] Hmm. Even when it's uncomfortable. So teens can build the skills and the internal strength they need to thrive in the real world. The key is staying connected and supportive without overstepping into control or overprotection. And, you know, readers of this book. Might be surprised to see or to read what's considered enabling and empowering behavior from parents.
[00:23:25] So I'm gonna read about them. So on page 1 32, typical enabling behaviors, waking teens in the morning. Oh my gosh, I have so many clients that struggle with this, doing their laundry, fixing their lunches. Picking out their clothes. Oh my gosh, are people still picking out clothes for their teenagers? That's not something that really comes up when I work with teens, but if you're doing that, please stop.
[00:23:52] Enabling behavior also includes loaning money and or giving extra money to our teens after they've spent their allowance or used specifically earmarked funds such as a clothing allowance or something else. Typing papers, researching, delivering, forgotten homework or lunches to school. I will say, oh my gosh, Rowan and I, when she was a freshman in high school, she was struggling and it was the end of the year and she had this huge project that she hadn't started, and I just remember being like, all right, we're going to Starbucks.
[00:24:25] And literally spent a full Saturday and Sunday at Starbucks with her doing her project with her. Did we get an A? I can't remember. But yeah, it wasn't useful at all. It was a total Hail Mary from me, and I remember my mom would type my papers for me too. Enabling behaviors also include lying to teachers when our teens cut class or skip school.
[00:24:51] Right. Feeling sorry for them when they have a lot of homework. Excusing them from helping the family with household chores so they can get things done pretending everything's fine when clearly it isn't to avoid confrontations and giving them everything they want because everyone else has one that's in quotes.
[00:25:11] So I'm thinking about like phones, right? So those are the ways that we enable our teens.
[00:25:25] We empower our teens. So there's another section that sounds like when we listen and give emotional support and validation without fixing or discounting. This is on page 1 33 when we teach them life skills. When we work on agreements through family meetings and or joint problem solving, when we let go without abandoning them, right?
[00:25:49] That active acceptance, right? When we decide what we will do and follow through with dignity and respect, and we're empowering our teens when we share what we think, how we feel, and what we want, without lecturing, moralizing, insisting on agreement or demanding. Perfection. Notice that the empowering behaviors on that list do not include punishment or control.
[00:26:18] Here we are back at that mindset shift, right, that we talked about last week. We might feel like we're doing nothing with those empowering suggestions, but we are sending so many messages when we let go, when we get out of the way, and when we communicate through word and action that we believe in our teens.
[00:26:38] The chapter shares a whole bunch of statements that we use in an activity about empowering and enabling in our parenting classes. Those of you who have taken classes with me may recognize some of those statements. Readers get to take them in while imagining that they are a teen and encouraged to notice.
[00:27:01] What they're thinking, feeling and deciding as a result of those statements. It's a really profound exercise, and I think what makes this chapter extra special is that the authors take us through about a dozen different challenging scenarios with teenagers and breaks down what enabling looks like. What small steps for empowerment looks like and what big steps for empowerment looks like.
[00:27:30] And again, just like with the last chapter in the story of the father and son, tough topics aren't shied away from. So I'm gonna highlight one of these. I'm gonna share one of these, right? Parties. Parties, remember parties. When you were a teen, were you a teenager that went to parties? I was. Some of them were small gatherings, or sometimes it was all of us meeting at a certain place.
[00:27:57] At the beach. That was the beach for us. Some of you might have met up in the woods, right? There were a few parents are out of town. Let's take over the house parties. I loved parties. Hmm. I still do love parties and I have so many clients with kids who wanna go to parties or do go to parties, and they're really struggling with what's happening at parties, what they're reading about, what they're hearing about.
[00:28:23] So let's take a look at what the book says in the context of empowering versus enabling, right? If we take a look at the enabling stance, and this is from page 1 41, so enabling sounds like we just say, no. Nope, you can't go to parties. I know what happens. You're not going, not happening, right? And then. We set up this scenario where we then have to believe them when they tell us, oh, they're going to stay at their friend's house, and we freak out to come to find out that they did indeed go to a party, the party that we said no to.
[00:29:00] Right? They get sneaky, they get tricky. They don't tell us things. It's not a great solution. When we take this enabling stance, so small steps for empowering our teens. To develop life skills around parties include, you know, just the basic talking about your fears. Ask your teen to explain to you why they want to go, what they like about parties.
[00:29:26] Remember your teen years, you know, plan parties with your kiddos at your house, right? And stay out of sight. Let them have parties at your own house. Don't turn your house over to them without an adult present. Volunteer for grad nights. There's, there's some funny things in this book that I think are outdated, like Take your team to First nights for New Year's Eve.
[00:29:52] I don't know what that means, but basically, right, you're kind of giving them some space to play around with parties while also. Recognizing that it's gonna happen and staying open to conversation. Make a deal that if your teen drinks or gets into a situation where they need help, you'll pick them up, no questions asked.
[00:30:15] So those are some small steps for empowerment, but what I think is really powerful is bigger steps, right? So ask your teen how he or she plans to behave at the parties role play what? They will do if they feel uncomfortable. Set up a code phrase that your teen can use to call for help. Get real. It says teens party.
[00:30:38] For many, their idea of a party is a place without parents and possibly a place with beer, wine, alcohol, other drugs. There may be some sexual activity. You don't have to like it. And you can try to stop it, but maybe it would be better to hold some honest discussions. I love this. Some honest discussions with your teens to keep lines of communication open.
[00:31:01] That way if your teen needs you, you will be someone they will talk to with without fear of judgment. Know your teen. Have faith in your teen. Teach your teen skills so that they will know how to deal with situations. And to have self-confidence to do what is right for them. Ask to know who the designated driver is and who's gonna stay sober to make sure nothing dangerous or disrespectful happens if someone, I.
[00:31:27] Gets themselves into trouble. I love this. This is the path that I took with my kids, especially with my youngest, the one who shares my temperament. He loves parties, right? He loves a good party, and I was all about harm reduction with him and talking out sticky situations so that he would be ready or more ready for those situations if and when they came up.
[00:31:53] And the results have been that my kids haven't gotten themselves into too much trouble that I know of. I'm not gonna pretend that I know everything that they've gotten into, but so far, so good. And they tell me what they're up to. They share with me. I. What's going on, what they're moving through. I continue to use tons of curiosity, and I plant seeds for critical thinking through the relationship that we have, right?
[00:32:19] They're still young adults, they're still developing. So I still get to show up this way, even as my oldest is out of the house, and my youngest is also out of the house. He's at college. But both of my kids know that they can trust me not to make them feel worse. When they make mistakes and they come to me with those mistakes and they know that I believe in them.
[00:32:40] This chapter goes through this for all sorts of behaviors, including driving tattoos and piercings, money curfews, dating sex. It is fascinating. Some of it might feel a little bit out of date. Some of the responses might not fit you, your personality or your values. That's okay. But the spirit of this section of this empowerment over enabling section is so spot on and really, really useful.
[00:33:10] And then the chapter ends with a challenge that I'm gonna share with you, the author's, right? You can decide whether to have influence or control your teens, whether to raise their self-confidence. Or to run their lives. You can focus either on building skills or on doing things for your teens to protect them.
[00:33:33] Parents often use the excuse that teens can make mistakes that could kill them or ruin their lives forever, but this is true at any age. Focusing on this fear invites parents to try to control their teen's lives. Rather than letting go so they can live their own lives. Ask yourself, am I coming from fear or trust?
[00:33:54] Trust gives your teen room to make mistakes and learn from them. As Rudolph Ryker said, better a bruised knee than bruised courage. A broken knee can mend. But broken courage less forever. There's also some kind and firm parenting tools to remember at the end of the chapter and some practical application.
[00:34:20] I love this book. I love this book. I know all of this looks really good on paper and can be tricky in practice. I get it. If you're following along with the pod, reading the book, finding that you're drawn to the teachings, but wanting support with integration and bringing what you're learning into your parenting practice, reach out.
[00:34:41] I've got you. This is what I do. Book an explore call to see if we're a good fit for working together. You can go to be sprout.com/explore. To get on my schedule. These three chapters are all a part of the scaffolding that is positive discipline. With teenagers, we get to build systems and routines like family meetings and special time that encourage and empower our kiddos.
[00:35:08] The long term benefits are huge. We are nurturing relationship and we're offering space for our kids to continue to develop the life skills that they need. As they make their way into young adulthood and beyond, it's so, so good. I love this book. I love all of you. I'm so glad that we're doing this together.
[00:35:28] Next week I'm going to cover chapters 10 and 11. Chapter 10 is all about teaching life skills. Chapter 11 is on navigating screens. The interesting thing about chapter 11 is. It's a little bit outdated, but we're gonna find the nuggets. We're gonna find the nuggets. So I really hope that you join me. Have a beautiful day, have a beautiful week.
[00:35:49] Take care of yourself, and I'll be back soon. Bye.
[00:35:58] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alanna. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at PodShaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:36:26] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents. Of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected at besproutable.com. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.