Eps 570: Positive Discipline for Teens Part 4 – Life skills and navigating screens

Today, Joyful Courage is about self-care and investing in myself. We get to tend to ourselves… and the beautiful thing about tending to ourselves is that we are then better able to support and show up for our families.

Transcription

JC Ep 570 (5.5.25) - Final
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth. And man, the opportunities abound. Right. My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the. Adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast. By sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hello. Hello, hello, hello. I'm so glad to be back with you back again to move through positive discipline for teenagers by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lot. We are back again for a show that's going to dig into one of the sections of this book. I love this book. I love how. The themes that are coming up in the pod and with the book are actually, of course, as usual coming up with clients.
[00:01:59] A big one that's come up over the last week is from chapter eight, special Time, can We create special time with our teens? The answer is yes, and specifically how at the very beginning of the chapter, which I mentioned last week. It is said that sometimes the best thing we can do is actually let go of the problematic behavior that we're seeing with our kiddos and focus on relationship.
[00:02:27] There's that whole story at the beginning of chapter eight that talks about the dad who takes the son to. Lunch every week and how that shifts the dynamic in their relationship. Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to do this? Well, I think, and I've been talking about this a lot lately, I think that the idea that focusing on relationship is enough, is so contrary to our conditioning.
[00:02:55] Our Gen X conditioning, right? It requires that we have faith in the power of relationship, and we have to remember that it's not a quick outcome, right? It's not like I. Do this X equals Y right away. Like, you know, we can delude ourselves into thinking, oh, if I use consequences or punishment or rewards, that somehow I can shift behavior really fast.
[00:03:25] No, we're looking for long-term outcomes and it's hard 'cause the long term is long, right? It's way out there. We don't see. The benefits of how we're showing up for a while. We have to just have faith that they're gonna be out there. Right. And it's not our conditioning to think this way. Many of us have been conditioned, you know, to lay down the hammer.
[00:03:54] That change is real quick. Also, I think when we let go of behavior and we focus on relationship, there's this. Experience or feeling like we aren't handling things like we're being permissive, like we're letting things go and somehow giving permission. Like the messages, oh, I don't care. Or You have my permission if I'm not gonna get all worked up about a behavior when it's just not true.
[00:04:27] There's this idea that. Focusing on relationship isn't a direct line to changing behavior. And it's annoying and it feels like it isn't working again because it doesn't, it's not that quick fix. But, and this comes from chapter 10, which we're gonna talk more about today. We like, we're really leaning in when we're robbing our kids of life skill development.
[00:04:59] When we lean into the idea that their behavior is motivated by a carrot, right? A reward or a stick, a punishment, right? And as if that works right? For a small percentage of our kids, they might be motivated by that. But the assumption there is that our kids have all the skills that they need and they're just not choosing the right choice, making the right decision because they aren't motivated to, I.
[00:05:29] And today, chapter 10 specifically is about teaching life skills and remembering that life skills are in development. Our teenagers are not masters of life skills who just don't care or aren't motivated. They are literally in the development of life skills, and life skills grow and develop over time through experience inside of relationships that they can really process.
[00:05:59] What they're moving through, right? It's about handing over the energetic responsibility within a structure of support. It's about deciding what you, the parent will do and follow through, and it's hard and it's messy. I actually literally copied and pasted that and sent it to one of my best friends who's really struggling with her young adult daughter to remind her.
[00:06:26] There is no perfect answer and it is powerful to yes, hand over that energetic responsibility while also having a clearly defined structure of support, right? Remembering also that what one person is doing with their kiddo that seemingly is useful to that kiddo might not be useful in your situation, but the spirit.
[00:06:55] Of the work is the same. Does that make sense? The spirit of the work is the same. We get to trust the process. We get to believe that our kids are capable and resourceful, and we get to remain fiercely committed and lovingly detached to the outcome. It's not about being lovingly detached to the child, but it is about being lovingly detached to the outcome.
[00:07:24] I think I might need to do another show about fiercely committed and lovingly detached. I feel like as I continue to move through my relationship with my now, you know, young adult kiddos, even though my youngest is, he's 19, so he still has another. You know, six months or so of teenage age, you know, they're both still in adolescence, but they're creeping towards that sweet spot of a somewhat fully developed brain.
[00:07:50] Right? And I think that I'm continuously peeling the layers. Of what fiercely committed and lovingly detached means, and also in other relationships in our life, right? Like, holy cow, it's super useful in what I'm moving through right now with my husband and his health journey and how he's showing up to it fiercely committed to him, absolutely lovingly detached to the outcome, to what makes sense to him around how to show up.
[00:08:23] Right. So anyway, we're gonna dig into the chapters for today. So again, chapter 10 asks the question and the title. Are you Teaching life Skills?
[00:08:36] The first thing I wanna say about this is the word teaching. Yes. I believe that we teach life skills through modeling, but I also feel like we. Encourage life skill development that we hold space for the animation of life skills, for the practice of life skills. So maybe it's just a semantics thing, but there's something about are you teaching life skills?
[00:09:03] That is funny to me. Anyway, I feel like this whole chapter captures the whole parenting teen experience in so many ways. And I've shared this on the podcast before. Last year was Ian's senior year of high school, his last year living at home full time, and I really worked on parenting. A year ahead. I declared it.
[00:09:28] I told him, this is how I wanna show up for you. I. I really wanted to create as much of an experience of freedom for him so that he had some practice inside of this bigger container before he moved all the way to Arizona and actually lived inside of a really big free container and sometimes. Honestly, sometimes it felt a little bit permissive, but I had to remind myself that I trust Ian to learn from mistakes, and I wanted him to make plenty of mistakes inside of this freedom.
[00:10:09] I wanted him to feel the weight of responsibility before he actually was in the situation. Of like really stepping into that responsibility in college at the University of Arizona. Right. I wanted him to. Fumble, you know, and I remember too, I think about he did take a college course his senior year, um, a math class.
[00:10:34] And I remember there was like two weeks left. He was not doing well. It was really hard of course. And he was flailing and I remember saying to him like, Hey, I'm really excited for you. Because you are getting an opportunity to practice pulling it off in the end, right? How many of us remember that experience of, oh shit, I.
[00:10:58] I've gotta really double down. I've got to pull some all-nighters. I've got to push aside any social things or things I wanna do because I have limited time and I've screwed myself up until now and it's pedal to the metal, right? And so I was stoked that he got to have that experience and pull off the grade in the end.
[00:11:20] And guess what? And guess what? Last week was it? I think it was last week. He texted me, maybe it was two weeks ago, about his math class and how he was doing in it and how he had to do really, really, really, really well for the next couple of the last few weeks to pull off a B. And he wanted a B. And I said, well, you've been here before.
[00:11:43] You know what to do. You know, think about what you've done so far to achieve the greed that you currently have. What can you kick into gear to? What can you do differently to get a different result? So he already had some experience with that. And that was in his back pocket, and I think it really served him.
[00:12:04] Time will tell when his grades come out and really holding, like, these are your grades, babe. I want him to pass. I want him to graduate from college. But you know, he wants to get into business school. He wants to do well, and I love that. That's what he wants. Of course it's what I want too, but I'm not attached to it.
[00:12:24] Right. The only thing I'm attached to, and I'm not even. I mean, well, I am, I mean, we're investing, we're spending a lot of money on his college experience, so of course I want him to end up with a degree. Right. But turns out CS get degrees. I mean, as someone who graduated with a 2.1 GPA from college, CS get degrees and, you know, I just keep pitching it back to him as far as like.
[00:12:52] Him wanting to do business school and him wanting to do graduate school and like, well, grades matter. So you get to decide if you wanna keep that door open. Life skills include decision making, taking responsibility, making amends, getting creative, meeting deadlines, scrambling when you don't meet deadlines.
[00:13:12] We expect them to do all these things like once they leave and make their way out in the world. We don't give them a lot of practice at home. The home environment can tend to be really controlled. So they don't have a lot of experience with this. And then they go out in the world and it's really hard and they flail.
[00:13:31] Right. But as the book suggests, as Chapter 10 suggests, there are so many opportunities for our kids to be learning these skills before they're out on their own. Right. And that's what we want. That's what's gonna set them up for ever better success.
[00:13:55] I love that the chapter starts with a story that is so relatable to so many parents. A dynamic between a parent who is working way too hard to get her son outta bed and to school on time for an early class. Ugh, you guys, I have so many clients who have been here done that. People in my membership program, one-on-one, people that I've worked with, you guys in Facebook group, it's come up in the Facebook group.
[00:14:25] Maybe if you're listening, you're cringing thinking, oh my God, yes, I totally take responsibility for getting my kiddo. Up in the morning because if I don't, then they'll miss class. Or if I don't, they'll miss the ride and then I have to take them, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We create this whole story why we have to be the ones.
[00:14:44] Right. Well, I have some questions. Who's holding the energetic responsibility of getting your kid out the door in the morning? Who's to blame when they don't? Right? If you're holding the responsibility, guess what? If they don't make it to school on time, you are the target for blame. How do we shift this?
[00:15:02] What do we need to be with the learning curve that our kids ride out when we say, you know what, I'm no longer gonna take responsibility for this. I have faith in you. I believe in you. You're saying that it's important to you to pass this class. You know that showing up to it on time is what's gonna make that happen.
[00:15:21] I believe that you can make it happen, right? What do we need to be able to stand in that and be okay with how long it takes them to, you know, get it together? Whose problem is it? Whose problem is our kiddo getting up in time and getting to school on time? It's our kid's problem. You guys, it's not your problem, so stop making it your problem.
[00:15:44] Right? And then sometimes though, like the idea, the, the, the conversation we're having with ourselves is, whoa, I have to save them from themselves, right? They sleep like the dead, blah, blah, blah, whatever. I wanna save them from themselves. But what we're really doing when we get in the way and we show up and we take over and we take that energetic responsibility, I.
[00:16:10] Is we're putting our kids in a situation where they've gotta figure this out when the stakes are even higher, when they're out on their own, when they're gonna be late to work, or they're gonna be late to a college class that we're paying top dollar for, right? We're not doing them any favors. We're not doing them any favors.
[00:16:28] So curiosity is huge here, and I've said this before. I love this phrase, neutral curiosity. Unattached. Curiosity. Curiosity that simply is designed to prompt critical thinking in our kids and reflection. The book goes on to talk about how there's so many things that our kids want. There's like the things, right?
[00:16:54] There's things that they want, there's plans that they wanna make. These are all opportunities for us that we can use. To hold space for our teens to flex into life skills if we're willing to slow down, pause, be a little bit uncomfortable. There's so much opportunity here. And some examples that they talk about in the book are things like a clothing allowance, planning and scheduling for events and experiences that they want to have.
[00:17:25] Practicing small steps. There's a section around practicing taking time to practice. So there's a story about a kiddo who gets their license. You know, they do really well on the written test. They pass the driving test, and then they're like, sweet, well, I wanna go into San Francisco this weekend. And the parent is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[00:17:49] We live in this small town outside of the Bay Area. You have not had practice. On the terrain that is San Francisco. So basically it's a hell no. Right? And it can be. It can be, Nope, you can't do that forever. Always good luck later. But then what this parent decided to do, and the way that the book describes it, is the parent says, okay, you know what?
[00:18:11] We're gonna use the next two weekends to head into San Francisco and to practice. Right? Yes. You have your license. Yes. The state of California says you're good to go and no, you have not had practice in city driving in steep hills and narrow roadways through neighborhoods. I don't know if any of you have.
[00:18:32] Driven through San Francisco, but it's kind of a nightmare. It's so joke, right? And so this parent wisely said, yeah, you know, you're right. You do have your license, so let's take a little bit of time and let's go all over the city and let's really practice this terrain. I loved that. The other thing that I really loved in this chapter is that the reader is encouraged to share.
[00:18:59] Their enthusiasm for their growing child's life ahead. Instead of talking about how hard it's gonna be out there, how much money it costs to live on your own, right? Like. I mean, I think we kind of sit inside of like, oh, kids are so clueless. They're so clueless. They have no idea. You know, working full time at a low paying job is not gonna be enough to cover the bills.
[00:19:23] Or like, even in high school, and I'm definitely guilty of this, we say things like, you know, things are gonna be a lot harder in college. You know, you, you're not learning the skills, doing it half-assed here. You're not gonna make it in college. Right, or you'll never get to live on your own if that's the work ethic you're gonna have.
[00:19:41] But instead, it can sound like I'm so excited for you to rise to the occasion. Right? I know. I trust, I have faith in you to not get tossed down by the challenges that show up that are gonna show up. Like life is all about challenges. Life is all about being creative, being resourceful, being in a growth mindset.
[00:20:05] Right. So they're not gonna get there without us modeling it and speaking it. Right? So I really love this. It is amazing to be independent, right? It's so powerful to believe that you can design the life that you want, right? Yes. The economy and politics and lots of things are off the rails right now. A hundred percent.
[00:20:29] And some of you, I know some of you have kiddos that are very. Um, politically active and paying attention and are kind of freaking out. I get that and we get to hold that. Our kids have what it takes to be creative movers and shakers. And give them the chance to stretch into that as soon as possible. So I mentioned planning and scheduling, and I loved, there's a section in the book that talks about a kiddo, I can't remember, what did they wanna do?
[00:21:02] Did they wanna go to a hockey game, I think, and it was like 50 miles away. And they wanted to save money for the ticket and they needed a ride. And the parents overwhelmed, like just couldn't really deal with having the conversation about it. And time went on and time went on. And time passed and this kiddo didn't get to go.
[00:21:20] You know, there's also something to be said for us, taking our kids' requests seriously and being willing to find time to sit down and say, okay, you wanna do this thing? So what does it look like to make it happen? One, how much money do you have to save for it? What's it gonna cost? What's it gonna look like to get you there?
[00:21:40] What does my schedule look like? How can I support? What are some ideas that you have? We're sending the message of what you want matters and creativity and resourcefulness can get you there. Right? I love that. And there's a lot that's already been covered in this book that feeds into this whole skill building idea.
[00:22:04] I mean, positive discipline, it's about relationship, it's about belonging, it's about life skill development, right? Using family meetings. We talked about family meetings last week. Using family meetings to look at the calendar problem solve around how to make things like outings, events, meals, meal planning happen, how everyone can be in contribution and consider what's going on with everyone in the family to make things work.
[00:22:30] I love it. There's also a sense of like. Peace and calm that comes with knowing the schedule. At least for me. No one really does well in chaos. Chaos may be familiar to some people based on your upbringing, and that sometimes convinces us that chaos is where we thrive. But is it? And actually when I wrote that, I was like, wait a minute.
[00:22:59] Am I making a true statement here? Do some people do well in chaos? I don't know. So where did I go? I went to chat GPT, and in fact, there are some people who thrive in chaos. Here's what chat GPT said. A personality that thrives in chaos often exhibits, traits associated with high openness to experience.
[00:23:20] Low neuroticism and highly adaptable or resilience. Specifically people with the following traits tend to do well in chaotic environments. So that first one, high adaptability, right? People who are quick to adjust or pivot and don't get stuck in rigid plans can shift gears fluidly. They do well in chaos.
[00:23:44] Okay? Teenagers, no. No, they are black and white thinkers. They're not quick to adjust. They're really stuck on what they want, you know? And then as far as adaptability comes, is that nature? Is that nurture? I think there are probably temperaments that tend to lean more towards adaptable, but I think adaptability is something that we learn through experience with practice.
[00:24:11] So our teens. Get to have experiences where they need to adapt and recognize, oh, I can survive. I can adapt. But constant chaos is not useful. Not having a plan, not having a schedule, not having a routine that drops a family in together to look at what's going on. Not useful, I don't think. The second thing is sensation seeking or novelty seeking people.
[00:24:35] They might be energized by unpredictability, risk or complexity. Again, maybe a temperamental thing, and I think we all live together and we still get to request some structure from our family and invite them into it, right? I'm a little bit of a novelty seeker, but I don't do well with chaos. I need to know what's going on, right?
[00:25:01] I need to plan out my novelty sensory seeking for sure. People who do well in chaos are also calm under pressure, right? They have a high tolerance for stress. They don't get overwhelmed easily. They score low on neuroticism. And again, is it appropriate to expect this from teenagers? High tolerance for stress, not typically.
[00:25:24] Don't get overwhelmed easily. Mm. Yeah. Not so sure. They're learning to become under pressure as pressure slowly continues to increase, right? People who d well in chaos, creative problem solvers, they're people who enjoy thinking outside the box, creating order from disorder. Again, some nature, but lots of nurture, right?
[00:25:46] Lots of encouragement. How can we think outside of the box? Where can we create order from disorder? It's not something that we just show up with. And then finally, people who do well in chaos tend to be anti-authoritarian or non-conformist. They often resist rigid systems, see chaos as opportunities to innovate or break molds.
[00:26:07] I think there's a little bit of this in the teen brain development. When I think about, um, creative exploration, right? We think about Dan Siegel's essence of adolescence, emotional spark, social engagement, novelty seeking creative exploration. Yeah, creative exploration really is innovation and breaking molds and thinking outside the box.
[00:26:28] Maybe you have this teen. Maybe you have this teen who's like anti-authoritarian, non-conformist. Maybe they've been labeled ODD, right? Oppositional defiant. I think that it is still possible to build relationship with this type of temperament and keep the focus on the freedom within structure, right?
[00:26:51] Because we don't live in a vacuum. We don't live in our own individual bubbles. We live with each other. So it's important that we are willing to have conversations, see from each other's point of view, but also live inside of a structure that works for everyone. And listen, these qualities are useful for everyone.
[00:27:12] Adaptability, open to new things, calm under pressure, creative, willing to speak up. These are powerful traits that are useful for all of us to cultivate and nurture and the structure. A process for planning and scheduling and creating routines. All of this will serve to develop those skills no matter the temperament of the kid you have.
[00:27:35] Planning, scheduling, creating routines is going to be useful in creating order in your home. An order does not mean like, you know, military grade order, right? It's gonna look different depending on whose household you're in. But creating some sort of common understanding, collective understanding of what to expect, when to expect it, what's going on.
[00:28:01] I love it.
[00:28:11] The biggest takeaway from this chapter for me is the encouragement to the reader to let go get outta the way. Trust your kids' ability to figure things out. Let go of the energetic responsibility while staying close by for support when they ask for it. So much of this has to do with how we maintain our own neutrality and again, our belief in our kiddos.
[00:28:34] I love it. I love it. So that was Chapter 10. Chapter 10. Spot on. I'm into it. I appreciate it. Thank you, Jane, Nelson, and Lynn Lot for chapter 10 Now. Chapter 11.
[00:28:50] Okay. So yes, there are some nuggets in this chapter and man, like not everything in this chapter holds up. And this chapter is all about screens. So it's titled, how Wired Are Your Teens? Again, this book was put out in 2012. In 2012. My oldest was nine years old, and I'll tell you what we were dealing with then in a moment.
[00:29:13] But I feel like we are in a different place these days with screens and tech, and this chapter is the one that feels the most outdated to me. But again, like I said, there are some nuggets and I'm gonna talk about them. So our kids are too freaking wired. 2012. My oldest was nine. I think this was right about the time when we realized that the iPad was a bad idea.
[00:29:38] It was a gift from my mom. She got both my kids an iPad for Christmas. We didn't know, we weren't prepared for it. And quickly the use spiraled out of control. Oh man. Rowan played some game, I can't remember what game it was, but she was buying gems and it was like free money to her. And I came to find out that she had spent like $250.
[00:29:58] I don't know how. Looking back, I think it had to do with my Apple ID and a credit card connected with my Apple id. And anyway, I didn't know what I was doing. She didn't know what she was doing. But over the course of the next year or two, she did have to pay back very slowly through her allowance. She had to pay that two 50 back at the same time.
[00:30:21] You know, even TV was pretty restricted at our household. We only watched it on the weekends. Mostly for a short period of time, screen time didn't really feel like an issue, but you know what? Full transparency. I was on Facebook starting in 2009, and it quickly became a place where I was overusing technology.
[00:30:44] I was not a great model for my kids. I didn't get a smartphone probably, I don't know, probably around that same time, 2010 maybe. Again, I was not a good model for sure, a hundred percent. I was working online. I started doing a lot more like blogging and writing and courses online right around then, and spinning the story that I was working while using technology long before the kids got their first phone.
[00:31:17] And we did hold off on video game consoles until Ian was in middle school and again. Immediately regretted getting that first PS four or whatever it was that we got. So yeah, tech's annoying, but tech is also awesome. I mean, technology is making it possible for me right now to be recording this podcast, to be recording a video.
[00:31:39] I'm gonna break it into little sound bites, put it on my social media to entice you to listen. Like there's so many cool things and creative things we can do with technology and holy cow, right. Our kids, while they do need to know how to navigate it and can use it to be creative and to do really cool things, they do not have the skills to find balance, nor really do we.
[00:32:06] They don't. Technology, including video games and social media, YouTube, the places our kids spend the most time, these are designed to keep them engaged, to keep all of it engaged, to keep us from stepping away. It serves the tech companies for us to continue to be engaged for as long as possible. Right.
[00:32:27] Are you hearing that this is not a fair playing field and it is not a character flaw that your kids wanna be on screens all the time? There are algorithms and AI and strategies that are keeping us all engaged. I know you know this. I know you've heard me say it and we can't give up. We can't give in. We can't throw our hands in the air and say, fuck it.
[00:32:49] We have to care more about our kids than that. Relationship matters. Collaboration and curiosity matters. Listening and validating matters, kindness and firmness matters, right? And what I'm gonna highlight from this chapter is that there's a whole list, literally of 20 points for setting up healthy guidelines for kids.
[00:33:11] Some of them are super useful and no-brainers. Some of them less, and I'm gonna be transparent about where I could have done better and the guidelines that I think are the very most important. So let's go through them together. So the first one is give kids limited choices about how long they can use media.
[00:33:28] Ah, this little guidelines like, you know, set it up so they have 30 minutes on one thing or 60 minutes on the weekend. And. Oh my gosh. This is hard and problematic, especially considering right now, like the overlay that is tricky is adolescents have this deep need and desire to belong and to be connected to a peer group.
[00:33:51] And guess where their peer groups are connecting online on Snapchat. Right. And Snapchat. Is problematic and addicting. Right? There's this expectation, not just with Snapchat, but in other places too. There's this expectation of immediate response. Snapchat particularly. There's a disappearing there. They text and pictures.
[00:34:15] They all disappear, right? They don't stick around, which. Opens the door to problematic behavior. And the app, Snapchat, I'm talking specifically is relentless about keeping you engaged. So when Ian went to college, I think I shared this before when Ian went to college and I asked him like, what do I gotta do to make sure you respond to me?
[00:34:38] 'cause I just want you to respond when I reach out. And he is like, mom, get on Snapchat. If you're on Snapchat, I'm gonna see it and I'll respond. So I did and I only Snapchat with Ian. Amy Perkowski, one of my really good old friends. Shout out to Amy. I love you so much. That's it. There are other people I know on Snapchat I don't engage because I don't want to, I don't want Snapchat to get ahold of me like that, but man, Snapchat is trying really hard.
[00:35:03] I get messages and alerts and notifications about this person. You know, this person wants to be your friend. Maybe you should. Search out for new people, like Snapchat is actively recruiting me to be on the app more, and I'm 51 years old, right? When we're talking about a 13-year-old, a 15-year-old, or even an 18-year-old or a 20-year-old, right?
[00:35:25] It's enticing. It makes sense that they get all sucked in. So yeah, you get to talk about all of this with them. How are they gonna navigate that? What's it gonna look like? Like, should you hold off on Snapchat? Yeah, you should. Snapchat should absolutely not be the first app that your kiddo who just got their new smartphone gets on hold off.
[00:35:50] And I promise you, whenever you decide to say, okay, you're gonna wish you didn't, it's a nightmare. The second guideline is about not having TVs and computers in the room. In their bedrooms, which a hundred percent. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And some of our kids have laptops and they like to do their homework in their room, and it gets really slippery and dicey and hard to stay firm on this.
[00:36:16] I get it. You get to decide for you. The more that you can hold off on this, the better. The longer you can hold off, the better. Number three, parking lots for electronics. So make this happen. All of us ahead of you are saying do it. Those of you with younger kids, with new devices, just make this the thing.
[00:36:37] Devices get put away at night. There's a curfew for electronics, and they get put away, locked up, put in the parents' bedroom, like not just on the kitchen counter, but truly put somewhere. They can't get to 'em, right? Your kids are not bad kids 'cause they're sneaking their electronics. They're regular kids because the electronics are so enticing.
[00:36:58] Don't take it personally as they get older and start to resist. Instead, use this as a place to get curious and look for solutions. There's also a couple points about getting involved or educated about what your kids are doing online. Yep, a hundred percent. And I definitely think you should normalize having their passwords.
[00:37:19] Following them on social media. Absolutely. I am not a fan of reading their texts or their private messages, but as is stated in the book, the internet, what they post out in the world, it's not private. So yeah, follow them right. Number six, don't spend a fortune on what they want. Get them involved in raising money to cover.
[00:37:44] The tech, the apps, the games that they want. And on this note, this reminded me if your credit card is attached to, say your Amazon account or GrubHub or other accounts, and your kids are charging things on your card and you're bugged by that, the solution is take your card off the app. Take your card off the app.
[00:38:11] They don't have great impulse control, so it's best to just not be dangling that in front of them. They don't need a credit card. And there's also points in the chapter about what's okay, what's not okay as far as different, you know, places on the internet. Talk about sites, talk about spaces online that are off limits and why Listen to them, let them ask questions.
[00:38:36] You ask a lot of questions. Porn. It's fascinating, right? It's fascinating. Don't believe that. They aren't gonna check it out if you tell them not to. And by the way, they've probably already seen porn, so there's that. There's no shame in putting some monitoring software on your home internet system to keep your kiddos from accessing spaces that you don't want them to engage in.
[00:39:01] Will it alter fil also filter out spaces maybe that aren't problematic? Yes. It's not perfect. But it's worth it. And as someone who didn't do this and wishes she would have, I really encourage you to do it. And please talk about porn with your kids. I've got podcasts about this. Talk about porn with your kids.
[00:39:20] It is a problem and the majority of our kids are seeing it. Have seen it, have watched it a few times, and then a smaller percentage, but still problematic, are watching it regularly, and it's really messing with their ability to be in relationship. Their ability to move through early intimacy and their expectations of their partners.
[00:39:43] Talk to them about porn. Also mentioned in the guidelines. Number 10, if you think their behavior's unhealthy or that they are addicted to technology, declare that you are going to be pulling the tech until you can work together to make it work in a more balanced way. Also, just stating again. Any other red flags you might be seeing, you're gonna pull the tech.
[00:40:07] You have the power you are in charge. You will pull it and work with them to figure things out. Number 14 on this list is reminding us all that it is not our kids' birthright to have electronics. They don't have to slow your role. Remember, you don't have to get them. The latest and the greatest, right?
[00:40:29] There are a few families that I'm working with, with younger kids, early adolescents that are opting to wait till eighth or longer. Maybe their kids have smart watches or simply nothing at all. Maybe they have tablets that are family tablets. You get to decide what works for your family, and I totally get how hard it is.
[00:40:49] When it feels like the world around you is overindulging on phones and technology, it is hard. It's hard, but you're not as big of an outlier as you think you are. Find other people in your community, in person online who are also making these decisions to hold off and support each other, right? I love number 15.
[00:41:10] This guideline encourages parents to have prepaid plans for tech for their kids. I wish I would've done this. Where we pay for enough media that we think is appropriate for the month. And once it's done, it's done. It's brilliant. Skipping ahead to number 18, they talk about driving. Uh, yeah. Make sure that I, in the book it says, make sure the vehicle your kids are driving has hand free options.
[00:41:38] That would be great. And it's ideal, but not always possible. So the alternative is making sure to model safe driving and just drill it in. Texting and using phones while driving in 2022 led to approximately 3,300 deaths in the United States, and nearly 290,000 people were injured in crashes involving distracted driving in 2022.
[00:42:07] So chat, GPT gave me some ideas. Ideas for supporting our kids and being safe for drivers. One, using hand free device utilizing Bluetooth and other hands free technologies when you can to minimize manual interaction with your phones. When you're behind the wheel, you can model and encourage presetting navigation and music.
[00:42:28] So setting your GPS and music playlist before you're driving. Designating a designated texter, right? If you're traveling with passengers, have someone else handle calls and messages and finally store your phone away. Keep your phone out of reach, such as in the glove compartment or the backseat to reduce temptation.
[00:42:50] I have to do this sometimes with snacks in my car, but you know, just talk about this over and over and over as your kids become ever more ever closer to being drivers, right? It's big. It's major. Number 19, don't underestimate the creativity and the ingenuity of your kids if you're going to track them.
[00:43:12] In fact, I will say I'm not a big fan of tracking my kids. It's really distracting and I get a little obsessive about it. It isn't useful. Plus, you know, they can park their phone wherever and do whatever they want. Do. I think it is useful for someone in the family, you know, to be able to track weird things happen, and phones are useful as far as like.
[00:43:37] I don't know. If you can't get ahold of them and you're worried for their safety, it'd be nice to have someone who could track their phone. Now that I'm saying that, I really want that for them, but not me. Maybe my mom, maybe grandma can track the kid's phone. I'll talk to her about it after I record this, but I can't track them 'cause it's too distracting and obnoxious for me.
[00:43:57] I think the biggest message from this chapter and the message I try and land anytime I talk about screens and teens is to keep leaning into relationship and curiosity. Normalize that conversations around screen use are ones that happen regularly. Just so we can all check in on how we're doing, how our balance is, what it's getting in the way of, and I think the other thing is we have to be paying attention to what they're doing, who they're doing it with, where they're doing it, where are they going online, right?
[00:44:35] I do believe that there's a lot of useful nuggets in this chapter and read it and adapt to make them work for you and your family. Be kind and firm. Have limits co-create agreements that change over time as they get more mature. Stay curious. See technology mistakes as opportunities to learn. Trust your kids.
[00:44:59] Let them teach you, right? Let them teach you. They know way more than you do when it comes to technology.
[00:45:11] Uh, so those are the chapters for today. I hope you found value in this visit through chapters 10 and 11 of positive discipline for teenagers. Thank you to Dr. Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott for writing this book. Next week we're gonna finish things up with the last three chapters, chapters 12 through 15. If you're listening and or reading along and love what you're hearing, but needs support, I.
[00:45:39] In integrating and implementing the content. I am here for you. I'm here for you. I have power workshops. I have a membership program. I do one-on-one coaching. All of my work is dedicated to supporting you. So what is the right fit for you? I encourage you. To book an explore call, a free 15 minute call with me and we can talk about what's going on and what would be the best way for you to find support.
[00:46:06] Go to be s spreadable.com/explore and let's chat. Let's chat. All right, love you. Love you friend. Thanks for hanging with me again today. Thank you for showing up here for yourself and for your family. Take a walk, drink some water. Tend to yourself, and I will see you so soon. Bye.
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