Eps 581: MAP – a tool to transform your parenting

Today joyful courage means to delight in who my kids are, even when I have concerns about some of their decisions. I get to recognize where I have control and where I need to let go. Joyful courage is knowing that is enough.

Resources:

• 💥 Join the Waitlist for the Living Joyful Courage Membership
  Get early access during the soft opening in July!
  👉 www.besproutable.com/ljc

• 🧭 MAP Framework Overview

  • M: Mirror (self-awareness & reflection)

  • A: Align (with values & deeper truths)

  • P: Practice (take aligned action in daily life)

• 💛 Connect with Joyful Courage Community
  Join the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook Group

• 🎧 Love the Show?
  Rate & review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify — it helps other parents find the show!

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement. In the messy terrain of adolescents, this season of parenting is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal. Growth and man, the opportunities abound. Right. My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for. Over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hey. Hi friends. Hi. It's me, Casey, and you are listening to another episode. We get to hang out together again today, and I'm so excited. I'm so excited to get honest and messy and inspired and intentional with you and. You know, when we show up this way, we are in service of showing up with our full hearts to this parenting journey that we're all doing together.
[00:02:00] So I'm coming at you. It's June 12th when this episode will drop in. Last week I got to be a part of a strategic planning session with the Sprout team, the other founders, Julietta and Alana. And it was a really powerful experience. We dug deep into numbers and we looked at the data and we looked at what was working, where we're growing, where we're not growing, and we had this conversation around, okay, there's a lot of people in the.
[00:02:41] Parenting world, right? There's a lot of people you can follow on Instagram, on socials. There's other podcasts. There's bloggers. There's authors, there's voices in the space, right? And there's a lot of voices that are really sharing the same message that I share here and that we share with Sprout. So what sets us apart?
[00:03:03] We sat with that question, what sets us apart? And I. Landed on the fact that, you know, not only are we knowledgeable and skilled, but you know, I know that I am approachable. I know that I am real and authentic, and I'm not afraid to get vulnerable with you here on the pod or in my newsletters or in my classes.
[00:03:33] And I think what I notice is the biggest piece is I really focus on transformation, right? Transforming its content, but it's also like how are we delivering content in a way that people are able to use it and really transform their experience? There's. You know the Positive Discipline Association. There are trainers and parent educators all over the world, and like I said, there's tons of influences out there, and yet you keep coming back to me and I love that.
[00:04:07] I want you to keep doing that. I appreciate that, and I get curious about what is it that I offer. That keeps you coming back, that inspires you to shoot me emails and let me know that what I'm doing matters. And I think it's this transformation piece. So today we're gonna go deep into that, not in a long and boring way, but.
[00:04:33] Deep like a sink your teeth into the real talk of transformation. I've been thinking so much about it, right? Because you know, if we're being honest, we really live in an information obsessed culture, right? We're swimming in. Handouts and Instagram carousels and parenting books with soft covers and sometimes even softer advice.
[00:05:01] You've heard me say before, you know, I have a whole bookshelf over there of. Parenting books that I love that. I think the content is really important and there's so much nuance and there's so many details and there's so much extra layers to the struggles that we're in that oftentimes these books and this content presents as if there's a way to do it that can.
[00:05:27] Avoid the struggle, right. And yeah, so we become well read, we do all the research, and even with all of that, we can feel super stuck. And this is where transformation really comes in. And when we're talking about transformation, it's really about. Integrating practice into our life in a way that produces results and shifts outcomes and broadens connection.
[00:05:59] That's what this is about. So today I am gonna share an acronym that I discovered that I really appreciate that. I think it's gonna be really useful for me because I am in it with you. I'm in this practice with you. But also for you, so what it's called is map. Map, MAP, your MAP to integration, and what this acronym stands for is mirror align and practice, right?
[00:06:33] Because like I've said, information is not transformation. Say that with me. Information is not the same thing. As transformation. You can download all the checklists, you can go to all the workshops, you can have all the parenting books on your shelf, and yet you still are nagging, yelling at your teen for leaving their wet towels on their bed or getting up in their business about choices that they're making that you don't like.
[00:07:08] And this doesn't make you bad. This makes you a human. And even as I say all of this, like I am actively currently in this work of wanting to transform the dynamic that I'm experiencing with my son these last few days. He's home for the summer. I want to transform what's happening from this transactional.
[00:07:36] Kind of, here's what you're not doing. Here's what I want you to do. Vibe that doesn't feel good, that's creating angst, that's creating distance and disconnection. And I wanna transform that into cooperation and connection and reflection, right? Transformation. It's the real stuff. And it lives not in what we know.
[00:08:02] But in what we do with what we know, right? Psychologist Carl Rogers said, the curious paradox is when I accept myself just as I am and then I can change. Right? So that's it right there. It's not about force, it's about truth. It's about recognizing where we're at and then bringing. The practice that we're learning, that we're reading, that we're listening to into our life in a way that makes a difference.
[00:08:37] So again, this is what I believe sets this podcast and my work with the membership and with clients and coaching. This is what sets it apart. It's not just content. It's not just tips and tools. It's the space and the support and the reflection. That you need to actually live what you're learning. There's a reason that I call my membership Living Joyful Courage, because that's where transformation happens.
[00:09:08] It happens in consistent practice, and clients tell me all the time, I hear from clients all the time, Casey, I've read so many books, I've listened to your podcast. I get positive discipline. But I, I'm not actually changing anything and it feels like it's hard to put it into practice, but when you provide this space where I can reflect and be real and kind of roll around in all of it, I feel really supported.
[00:09:41] And I feel like there's movement happening in the way that I'm showing up for my family. And when there's movement happening in the way you're showing up for your family. There's movement happening in the dynamic, in the culture, in the vibe that you're creating in that environment. And yeah, this is the heart of what I do.
[00:10:02] This is why it sticks. This is why it matters. That's why it's impactful. So your map to transformation, I'm gonna give you the content, right, the context of this acronym, because. I wanna break it down for you. I know you want something that's useful. I know you wanna get unstuck. You wanna feel different, right?
[00:10:28] And not just think different. So here's the map. Here's the map that I'm gonna share with you today. M we're gonna start with m. M is for mirror, right? This is where it all begins, and sometimes it's not pretty right? Mirrors don't lie. When we look in a mirror, we see what is there, right? And there's a couple different ways that we can hold up a mirror when we hold up the mirror to our parenting.
[00:11:00] What we might see if we're being really honest with ourselves is we might see our tone, we might see our expectations, we might see our fears or our unhealed wounds showing up in how we react, right? So holding up that mirror, recognizing our own way of being and our own way of responding. Right. Some of that might show up.
[00:11:30] We might also see when we hold up the mirror that we're tender, right? That we're vulnerable. We might see our growth. We might be willing to recognize how far we've come. The mirror might also show us our capacity to love deeper than we thought we could. Our capacity to accept things. That we didn't realize early on that we were gonna accept.
[00:11:57] Like, I like to think about all the things that I thought about parenting teenagers and parents of teenagers, and you know, those moments of, oh, I would never do that, or I would never say that. And then finding ourselves in the practice and recognizing, oh, it's a different situation when you are in the experience with your teenager.
[00:12:20] Right. And you might be responding or reacting in ways that you didn't think you would, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, right? I think the more information we have, ideally, the better that we can respond and show up in the moment, right? And before we have teenagers, what's missing for us is the actual experience of being a parent of a teenager.
[00:12:47] We can't know that experience. Until we're in that experience and once we're in that experience, this practice of self-awareness, this practice of putting up a mirror, of looking at ourselves, of recognizing our contribution, of recognizing our gaps, our places of growth, of recognizing. How far we've come, how much more there is to go.
[00:13:14] This is personal growth, and remember, you've heard me talk about this on the podcast before. I have this visual that I use with clients and in my classes and in my membership called The House of Connected Parenting. And at the very base of this house, at the very bottom layer is personal growth and development of the caregiver.
[00:13:38] Right. Our personal growth is essential in moving us towards what we want most. And I'm gonna make some assumptions. I'm gonna make some assumptions about what we want most. I believe that parents want a relationship with their adult kids once they've left the house and get to decide whether or not they spend time with you.
[00:14:01] My guess is that you're hoping that they are a yes to spending time with you, right? I am guessing also that you want your kids to launch into college, into trade school, into the workforce. You want your kiddo to launch with enough skills to take care of themselves, to handle problems, to ask for help, right?
[00:14:30] I. This personal growth place is really that foundation of recognizing who we are, how we're showing up, and what, like I said, what the gaps are, where our places of of growth are. And it's what Brene Brown calls rumbling with vulnerability, right? It's vulnerable to be in personal growth. It's vulnerable to say, I have more to learn.
[00:15:00] I have some things to let go of. I have some beliefs to question, right? But Brene Brown says, vulnerability is the place of innovation, creativity, and change. This is where we stop pointing the finger at our kids and their behavior, which I know a lot of what you're dealing with, very much is anchored and centered in how your kids are behaving.
[00:15:28] And when we only stay focused on that, you know, it's really a short-term mindset and we wanna be in the long-term mindset. So we get to start asking ourselves, what's the story I'm telling myself about this behavior and what am I feeling about it? What's beneath. This belief and this story, what are the fears?
[00:15:53] What am I worried about? And do I have faith? Can I have faith in my kiddo? So, holding up that mirror. Holding up that mirror, and doing that inner work of self-exploration and self reflection and personal responsibility. Right? That's the mirror. It takes tremendous courage to go here, and you don't have to do it alone.
[00:16:21] You don't have to do it alone. Here we are in the joyful courage community, whether it's on Facebook, in the membership, in the one-on-one calls. There is support for this and this work. This piece of the map is really, really important.
[00:16:47] So we do this work, we do the mirror work, right? And then we move into a for align alignment. This is where we really start creating and exploring the possibility of momentum in the direction that we wanna go in, because. Once you've looked in the mirror and uncovered something that might feel tender or tricky or even painful, what are you gonna do with that?
[00:17:22] This isn't about guilt or shame or beat up, or I wish that I would've, or you know, if I could go back in time. It's really just information gathering. You gather the information, you look in the mirror, you gather information about yourself, and then you get to really move into alignment with what you want most.
[00:17:46] And this is where transformation starts to take form. So you ask yourself, okay, here's what I notice about myself. What are the values that are showing up for me, right? Because sometimes our values, like we get out of alignment. We start feeling disconnected and discouraged because what we're experiencing is out of alignment with what we value, right?
[00:18:18] With what we value, and not just like I value. Honesty and transparency. I value personal responsibility, and so when someone else in my life is not leaning into that value, I feel emotional. And if I'm not paying attention, I act emotional. I act from that place of emotion. I feel. I take it personally. I feel hurt.
[00:18:47] And then in my communication, I can't really get to the point because I'm coming from this place of hurt and discouragement. So what are my values? Transparency. My values are personal responsibility. And then thinking about what kind of parent do I wanna be? Well, I wanna be a parent. And I believe for the most part, I am a parent.
[00:19:14] That is very transparent. I am absolutely someone who takes personal responsibility. I really wanna model that. Right. And so the final question then is what would it look like to align, right. Aligning values with how I'm showing up? And what that pre, how I'm presenting and expressing it to my family.
[00:19:41] Right. This is the deciding, this is actively choosing the direction you wanna go in. Even if you're not sure how to get there. Taking the time to align with your values, to align with the parent you wanna be. Even actually, even before we align, it's just discovering, declaring. Doing the work around asking yourself these questions, right?
[00:20:08] Asking yourself these questions will help you move in the direction of alignment, deciding that this is important to you, and here's the key I. Don't wait until you're ready. Don't wait until you have the perfect words or systems or schedule or time or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or don't wait until things feel more solid in your relationship.
[00:20:32] The mirroring in the aligning is all you with you. You don't need anyone else. You don't need anyone else to do the work of self-awareness, self-discovery, self-exploration. You don't need anyone else to do the work of exploring values and who you wanna be and what it would look like and feel like to actually live into those values, right?
[00:20:58] You can start now. You can start wherever you are with whatever struggles you're moving through, right? Because your values are your compass, so you get to align your actions. With what you say matters most to you, even when it's hard to do. Right? And you know, systems do matter, right? When we look at, so again, going back to that house of connected parenting, there's the personal growth of the caregiver.
[00:21:32] On top of that is relationship, right? And how we're showing up to the relationships in our life, right? And so. This makes sense in this value place, right? What do I value? What kind of parent do I wanna be? What would it look like in relationship for me to show up that way? And then on top of relationship is this idea of systems and routines, right?
[00:21:57] So having a compass and using your values as your compass. This in and of itself starts to become a system. That is useful to you. Aligning your actions with what you say matters most, right? Time and time again, having that, working on that practice, we're gonna get to practice in a moment. This is the work.
[00:22:24] We're greasing the wheel. We're paving the way to transforming how we're showing up to our life, how we're showing up to our parenting, how we're showing up. At work with our partners, right? And there's a quote from Atomic Habits from James Clear that I really like you do not rise to the level of your goals.
[00:22:50] You fall to the level of your systems. I love this quote because I have heard thousands of parents. Myself included. Make big declarations about what we're gonna do, what we're gonna start doing, what we're gonna stop doing, you know how we wanna be and without a system of practice, do we do it? No, we don't.
[00:23:18] The system starts with your internal alignment. The system begins. This is the birthplace of the system that's gonna support you. So we're looking in the mirror, we're aligning and finding that internal alignment around what our values are, what our beliefs are, doing some questioning and some exploring, and some fine tuning of that.
[00:23:42] And then we're moving into a system of practice. So P in MAP stands for practice.
[00:23:52] And this isn't about performative social media parenting. Here we're talking about the messy, sweaty in the moment practice. I know that it's really easy for me to show up and say, Hey, here's what it looks like to make amends. Hey, here's what it looks like to make an agreement. Here's a handout for that.
[00:24:16] Here's a checklist for your family meetings. Right. But the reality is that's not enough. And I know this to be true because just last night we had a family meeting. Oh my gosh. We had a family meeting last night and there was a couple things in the dynamic. One is it was, um, a treatment day for my husband.
[00:24:38] So I think most of you know by now that my husband is in treatment for multiple myeloma and we go down once a week. And he gets an injection. And one of the things he has to take on injection days is dexamethasone, which is this really gnarly steroid, right. And it makes him all jacked up and short-tempered, and I.
[00:25:02] It's not great, right? It's hard for him to just be the typical, easygoing self that he is. Meanwhile, my son would just came off of a couple days of being out of town with buddies and spending time on the lake and probably not getting very much sleep, maybe doing a little bit of partying. So, you know, I was like, Hey, let's have a family meeting.
[00:25:25] Timing wise, not the best, but I did it anyway. And guess what? It was annoying. It was very difficult to maintain my value, which is I value family meetings for connection and for problem solving, and as a space where everybody gets to have a voice and everybody gets to be and feel capable. All of this was real and true, and I had to work very hard to bring that to life.
[00:25:58] And I did a maybe decent job. You'll have to ask my my family, but there was like underlying angst through the whole process, right? So yes, it's messy, it's sweaty, it's in the moment, and sometimes it's about breathing when you wanna scream. I. Or apologizing when you do scream, saying yes to connection instead of control, letting your child, your teens struggle without rushing in to fix it.
[00:26:32] Last night, this was before my son was, went out with friends and before he left, I stopped him and I said, Hey, I am experiencing a lot of angst between us right now, and I'm wondering. Can we just hug for a second and just like breathe it out and let it go? And fortunately for me and him, he was willing and we wrapped our arms around each other and we just breathed.
[00:27:04] And as we breathed, as we held on, I felt the tension leave my body. And I felt like tension left his body as well, and it was really sweet. Right? So P is for practice, P is for. Doing the action to keep the compass pointed in the direction that you want. Transformation is a lifestyle. It's not a moment.
[00:27:29] Right? And so practicing what we want is everything right? And having support to bring us back to the practice. 'cause that's what happens, right? Like we get used to. Moving through the world, the way we move the world through the world, and much of our time is spent reacting to the things that are coming at us.
[00:27:51] We don't spend a tremendous amount of time really thinking through. How what we say has an impact, what our facial expression is, communicating the way that our tone might be influencing the experience that we're having with another person, right? We don't spend a lot of time here, so practicing, intentionality, practicing.
[00:28:18] Even just remembering that we have a compass. Having a system for practice is so, so important.
[00:28:34] Transformation is a lifestyle. It's not a moment, right? It's, we brush our teeth every day. We don't just whiten them once a year. We compost every day 'cause we know it's the right thing to do. We're not waiting for a zero waste movement to do it for us. Right? Like it's about change that happens internally first with us.
[00:28:58] This is where real change happens when we keep showing up, when we're honest with ourselves, when we make a mistake, but we lean back into what we know is useful because it's useful, right? And we don't let discouragement. Take hold. There's a quote from Tara Brock that I love and you've heard me talk about the spiral.
[00:29:24] The spiritual path is not a straight line. It's a spiral. You continue to come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths, right? You, it could be the parenting path. The parenting path is not a straight line. It's a spiral. We keep bumping up against the same challenges, but we're seeing them.
[00:29:45] Hopefully in a deeper, more profound way, because our kids have grown, we've grown, we've learned some things, so it's not so, I really, really encourage you not to be discouraged when the same struggle comes up. What I do encourage you to do is instead look at it from a more expanded lens. Use the process of map to really look at the challenges and the places where you feel stuck.
[00:30:14] So that you can start to see deeper truths, align with deeper truths, and then practice in a way that really allows those truths to transform our life in a meaningful way. This is the work, right? This is the work. This is why I created the Joyful Courage Membership Program. It's a, you know, community of support.
[00:30:42] It's ongoing. There's all sorts of ways that my members connect with each other and connect back in with, again, those deeper truths, those values, and that practice. Of what they want most. They don't spiral alone. Nobody should spiral alone. Right. So there you go. The map process is what I want you to take away from today.
[00:31:11] I want you to write it on a post-it note or put it in your phone on an alert or do whatever works for you to remember. Okay, I'm gonna map, I'm gonna. Mirror. I'm gonna look in the mirror and, and reflect and grow my self-awareness around my contribution and my actions and behaviors, my beliefs, my conditioning, and then I'm gonna align.
[00:31:38] I'm gonna think about the values that I want. I'm gonna think about who I wanna be, and then I'm gonna create practices that support me in remembering. The first two things, practices that support me in going back to that self-reflection, that looking in the mirror, going back to and remembering what I wanna align with and when we have partners, when we have community with this, whatever that looks like for you, you're not just learning new things.
[00:32:11] You are becoming something new. You're peeling back layers and exposing the newness of who you are through the relationships and the experiences that you're having. Right? Let me say this again. You are the one that can shift the dynamic in your family. You are, you've heard me say this. I'm gonna say it again and again.
[00:32:34] You are the one that can shift the dynamic in your family. You can't control. Everybody, that's not the point. It's not controlling or fixing or yelling louder, but by showing up differently, by choosing self-awareness, alignment and a brave as hell practice, you're showing up differently and you're shifting the dynamic in your family.
[00:33:00] And this is what I do, right? I, this is the water that I swim in. It's what I speak about. It's so alive in my life and sometimes I fail spectacularly and sometimes I really nail it. And regardless of where I land, I'm always learning. I'm always curious. I'm always in that reflection, alignment, practice mode.
[00:33:28] It brings me closer to who I wanna be as a mom, as a partner, as a coach, as a human. This practice of mapping, right? Mapping, this is what brings me closer to who I wanna be. And isn't that the purpose of life? I mean, I know you come here to hear parenting advice and parenting support, but I think the best thing we can do for our parenting is really explore what we want, how we wanna feel.
[00:34:01] We get to align with feeling that way. Feeling that way and creating a practice where that's our way of being, even when things are hard. So that's what I've got for you today. What's landing? What's landing for you? I want you to take a breath, put a hand on your heart and ask yourself, where are you with map right now?
[00:34:32] Right. What is the place of the map that is easier for you? Are you really good at self-reflecting? Are you better at aligning? Are you in the rut of a practice that could use some support? Where are you and what's one thing that you're willing to practice this week? What's one thing that you're willing to practice?
[00:34:56] What's it gonna look like? So if you wanna make the most out of this podcast, ask yourself these questions. Where am I on the map right now? And what am I willing to practice this week? If you are feeling fired up, if this episode stored something reeling you, don't let it just be another podcast. This is truly your information to take the next step.
[00:35:21] Right. Transformation is the superpower of the Living Joyful Courage, membership. And I'm gonna tell you something, the membership is where content turns into change, where learning something turns into living something and where you get the support you need from a very real, very connected community of parents that are all navigating the teen years, right alongside you.
[00:35:48] Right. This is a space where people feel seen and supported and challenged to grow, not just once, but over and over again. And guess what? I've got a soft opening of the membership happening in July. I am not gonna bombard my public emails with talk about the membership, but if you get on the wait list right now, if you get on the wait list for the membership, you will get an invitation to join us in July.
[00:36:18] Right. I open quietly in July, and then we have a big public opening in January. So if you are feeling this. If you're feeling this and you're thinking, Ooh, I wanna get in on that soft opening, now is the time. Get on the wait list, right, the wait list. You can find [email protected] spreadable.com/ljc. That's where you'll see the button to join the wait list.
[00:36:45] Don't miss your chance to jump in. Don't miss your chance. Your growth matters. And your family is worth it, and we get to live this work together. We get to do it together.
[00:37:03] Yes. So good. Oh my gosh. I love it. I love it. We call it parenting, really. It's personal growth and development. You know that. I know that. I'm here for it. I'm here for you. Thanks for hanging out with me. I really appreciate you. I know your time is valuable. I know there's lots of different people that you could be listening to and lots of things you could be doing, and you choose to listen to me and I am honored.
[00:37:31] I'm honored and grateful. And I hope that you feel my generosity of spirit. I hope that you feel the value of this content, and I really hope that you feel a sense of belonging in this community because I. This community kicks ass, and it's due to all of you that show up to it. Whether you're a podcast listener or a Facebook group member or a member of the membership, however you show up, you are contributing.
[00:38:07] To the power of this community, and I appreciate it. So go drink some water, go take some deep breaths, do a little meditation, take a walk, take care of you, and I'll see you again real soon. Bye.
[00:38:27] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my  Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alanna. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at PodShaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:38:55] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents. Of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected at be sproutable.com. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.