Eps 583: Positive Discipline for Teens Part 7 – Are your issues getting in your way?

Today Joyful Courage means having the self awareness to recognize when my emotions, beliefs and actions are out of alignment with what I want, and the willingness to shift.

Resources mentioned:

• Positive Discipline for Teenagers book – by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott (the central focus of the episode and series)

• Spotify playlist – a curated list of the podcast episodes from the Positive Discipline for Teens series

• Living Joyful Courage Membership Program – community for parents with shared goals

• Free 15-minute explore call – to connect about coaching or the membership

• Free Joyful Courage Facebook group – for community and support

• Newsletter sign-up – to stay connected and receive updates.

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth. And man, the opportunities abound. Right. My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hi everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. You are tuning into a solo show. So today we are wrapping up the positive discipline for teens. Book series with the final two chapters, 14 and 15. Over the last couple of months, I've walked us through this book and I love this book. It's such. The Bible for moving through the teen years, and every time I read it, I get that on a deeper and deeper level.
[00:02:03] Every time I read this book, I'm like, oh yeah, this is gold. Right? Especially depending on where I'm at in my own parenting. I remember. Reading it before I had teens versus reading it when things started to get really hard in the early teen years, versus reading it in the trenches of the middle of the teen years and now reading it with both kids having launched.
[00:02:30] I mean, Ian's on the college launch, so he's home for the summer, but you get my gist. It's just so incredible how useful it is. Every time I reread. This book, and it's really interesting how relevant the things are to whatever's showing up in real life in my day to day, whether it's client work or participating in some speaking gigs.
[00:02:58] If you're just tuning in, know that this is part seven. You'll definitely get a lot out of listening today, even if you're jumping in in the end. It is the conclusion of a series of shows that I've done as I've moved through this book that was written by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lot. So check the show notes and I created a Spotify playlist that is just the episodes that are this PD for teens book series.
[00:03:27] So look in the show notes, you'll see that link. And you can start from the beginning today. We're gonna jump right in though. So chapter 14 is titled, are Your Unresolved Teen Issues Getting in the Way? The answer is yes. Who has unresolved issues? Me. You. How dare they assume that we have unresolved issues?
[00:03:52] We do. Okay everyone. We have some unresolved issues and. Yeah, that's like the purpose of life, right? This is what I love about life. The unfolding of life, in my opinion, is a continuous invitation to get curious about how we're responding, to learn about ourselves, and to make ever more conscious decisions about who we want to show up as in our relationships.
[00:04:23] There is always more to learn. There's no end point. There's no arriving. There really is just peeling back layer by layer of exploration and learning about who we are. And I'm gonna say this again later on, making conscious choices about how we want to show up.
[00:04:52] Chapter 14 offers a ton of tools for considering what those underlying issues might be. Starting with an invitation to remember being, you know, the ages of 13 to 18, thinking about where you grew up, where you went to school, what was your family system. And then there's a few prompts to consider. And I'm gonna just take this straight off of page 2 41.
[00:05:18] So. Consider these questions right from the lens of being 13 to 18. Did you believe in yourself and know that you could make your life work back then? Yeah. No. Did you feel good about yourself and think that you belonged? Yes. No. That has to do with self-image. The first question had to do with power. Did you feel comfortable in your own body?
[00:05:44] Yes or no? That is what formed your body image beliefs. Did you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Did you date? Were you comfortable with people of the opposite sex or same sex? Right? This tells us about our beliefs and experiences of intimate relationships. Early on, did you have friends that you hung out with and spent time with?
[00:06:08] Right? So what did you learn and believe about friendships? Did you trust your parents and feel you could go to them when you needed adult guidance and wisdom? Yes. No. Did you have freedom in your choices or were your activities determined and monitored by the adults around you? What was your experience of independence?
[00:06:29] I just think this is so interesting and when I went through these questions, a couple things jumped out at me. One was about body image. I grew up in Southern California in the eighties and you know, there was no social media, there were no Kardashians, but there absolutely was messaging around bodies and body image.
[00:06:55] And I definitely got messages around how I was eating, how I looked, how I presented. And I realize over time, especially as my kids became teenagers, that I was also giving implicit messages around nutrition and exercise and body, and I learned so much through my own kids' experience of this. And I continue to heal my own body image and be aware of culture and messaging that are getting in my way.
[00:07:28] I wish I could have done better. I think I did okay, but there were some pretty intense things that I moved through with my own teenagers, and I think what made it really hard in this body image arena is that I had my own issues with it. Same with dating and intimate relationships. Right. As a teenager, I didn't have like really good.
[00:07:57] Romantic relationships. I had a lot of like dysfunctional ones that were short-lived, didn't respect my own body, and maybe that's tied to the body image thing and I didn't feel like I could talk about it with my parents. So the swing of that is as a parent, I've had very open conversations about sex and relationships maybe at times have been overly permissive.
[00:08:24] There. And disappointed when they didn't have the fairytale experiences. I wanted that for my kids, and I think that modeling also has come up here. I think about the heyday of the teen years, and there was actually a lot of disconnection in my marriage, but because we had so much going on in the parenting front, when my kids were teenagers, we, my husband and I didn't really address.
[00:08:51] What was happening in our intimate relationship, although I'm sure it was felt by all. And then with the kids empty nesting, leaving, being out of the house. The spotlight has been on my marriage and where we're making intentional choices about our relationships, and one of the things we're doing now is moving through this experience of rekindling our love for each other out loud, right out loud, so that our kids are seeing us.
[00:09:20] Nurture and work inside of our marriage and really create what we want and prioritize what we want, and sometimes prioritizing what we want in our marriage means, oh, it would be really fun to hang out as a family tonight, except for dad and I actually have plans of our own. Oh my God. I definitely feel uncomfortable with hookup culture and like I said, some of my kids' experiences and mindsets, and when I dig into that, it really has everything to do with what I was doing at their age and what I wish I wasn't doing at their age and how I wish I'd made some different choices.
[00:10:00] Right. But what's really useful is healing that part of myself, my inner young adult, my inner teenager, letting her know that she is worthy of love and re self-respect. And coming from that place when I'm having conversations with my kiddos about. Intimacy in relationships, and again, that whole piece around, were you able to go to your parents and share with your parents?
[00:10:28] I mean, on a lot of levels I was, but when it was really important stuff or things that I didn't think they'd agree with, I didn't feel like it was safe to share. And in response, I've really nurtured a very open relationship with my kids. Although sometimes in my desire to be a safe space, I think I know, 'cause they've told me, I've sent some mixed messages.
[00:10:54] So through parenting teenagers, I continue to learn what boundaries look like, emotional honesty, and to be comfortable when my kids have some angst or discomfort with me. And then there's that question around independence. Did we feel like we had choice when we were teenagers around what we were doing and the activities we were engaging in?
[00:11:21] And I would say for me, yes-ish, there was always this overarching, there were the things you should be doing. And then there were the things that were me not really as valued, even if they were what I was interested in. And again. Swinging into my own parenting. I want my kids to make choices for themselves.
[00:11:40] Absolutely. And feel like they can be in their fullest expression. And maybe this has bit me in the ass a little bit. Maybe I held such an open space that perhaps I could have done a little bit more leaning in and encouraging. Them with interests that maybe they dropped in and out real quick. I don't know.
[00:12:04] I mean, isn't this what we do? We look back and think, I could have done this better, right? Uh, yeah. We all could have done better. I'm not gonna beat myself up about it, especially as I take a look at my two kids now at 19 and 22 and seeing the way independence is showing up for them and seeing the way that they've really.
[00:12:28] Held onto the idea that they are the desired designers of their life, right? We were responsive to them even when it was hard to do, and it was imperfect. Resistance has definitely been a companion on my parenting journey, and this is where I've learned time and time again to let go and trust the process.
[00:12:48] Trust my kids, believe in them. And learn to do the same thing for myself. So this was a really useful exercise just to move through and consider some of the choices, the values, the beliefs that have been formed out of the experience that I had as a teenager, right? And I think it'll be valuable for you.
[00:13:11] So page 2 41 is where all those questions are in the PD for Teens book. Check it out.
[00:13:28] There's such mirrors, right? This whole experience of parenting through the teen years, it's so fascinating, and this chapter definitely makes me think about a lot of clients that I've worked with and some participants in the recent talks. That I've gotten to co-facilitate with my partner Julietta. You know, I've heard things like our kids have no idea how good they have it, or they're not grateful, or, my kids seem to be so entitled, or don't they understand how hard I've worked to provide for them.
[00:14:03] Here's the deal. If you had a tough go at childhood, if your family of origin wasn't as supportive as they could have been. If they sent you messages about worthiness that you've had to kind of untangle if you've lived in poverty or just in a space of not being resourced, not feeling resourced, and you've worked hard to offer something different, something that you see as better for your kids.
[00:14:31] Well done. Well done. I wanna see you and acknowledge you. And just offer all the celebration for everything you've endured and moved through. You've worked hard to create the life that you want and to give your kids what you didn't have, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Right. And I think what's really, really important is to remember that your, while you are very aware of what you didn't have and what you are providing, your kids don't have a contrast to what they're being raised with.
[00:15:15] Right. If you're a family of privilege, your kids don't know anything else, no matter how many times you tell them your stories. If you are providing an alternative education opportunity, which is super child centered and really free, maybe you're homeschooling, maybe you're in investing in Waldorf education or some kind of alternative program, versus just the going to their community schools and they don't appreciate it.
[00:15:41] They don't know the contrast. And again, if you're emotionally available to them and then you show up at their games and events and you bend over backwards to make sure they can pursue their interests, only to be a bit resentful that they aren't pouring out the gratitude. I want you to take a breath.
[00:16:02] They don't know that there is an alternative that looks like a lack of support, or maybe they do know on some levels, but they don't know it in their body, like they can't really understand it, right? So again, chapter 14 tells a few stories of how these unresolved issues can get in the way of parenting teens and what we can do about it.
[00:16:28] And you know, with all of this, everything I just said, I think it's an important time to also bring up that and remind you that positive discipline is based on a psychological theory, a lee in theory. And the idea is that human behavior is motivated by our needs to feel a sense of belonging and significance.
[00:16:55] And let me just remind you what belonging. Is belonging is a sense of connection, authentic connection about being seen and accepted for who we are. Our fullest expression, right? Our authentic self. It's feeling felt by another, like when we really feel like someone else gets us and it's attunement. Right significance.
[00:17:25] What significance means is really it's about mattering. It's about feeling a sense of responsibility, of power, feeling empowered, having opportunities to contribute, and knowing that your contributions matter in meaningful ways. Knowing others, experience us as capable and have faith in us, like really knowing that in our bodies and keep in mind, right, that we all have our own experience of belonging and significance, and sometimes mischief GF can get in the way and we get some mistaken ideas about.
[00:18:12] How to belong and how to feel like we matter. So exploring our own strengths and weaknesses around our issues and where our beliefs come from really is supportive in keeping us out of this mischief shuffle that we get into with our teens. Mischief shuffle shows up when we start to feel resentful, when we take things personally, when our own sense of belonging and significance starts to feel shaky.
[00:18:41] So chapter 14 is really about that kind of exploration, and one of the things that the authors talk about is about being on our own side. As parents, yes, be on your side. You get to have a life separate from your kids. You get to consider your needs as much as you consider the needs of your teens. Please do that.
[00:19:09] Oftentimes when we feel like, gosh, our kids are so entitled, or they're just trying to get what they want, which, by the way, we're all just trying to get what we want. So holding that as a bad thing is something to explore. I. But when we get into this mindset of resentment, a lot of times it's because we've forgotten to consider our own needs and we've forgotten that it's okay for us to have a life separate from our kiddos.
[00:19:41] So here's some of what the ths. Have shared about things that get us involved in this mischief shuffle and listen and notice how it's a dance that ignores self-respect and self-care. And it's also anytime we're doing anything that doesn't meet the needs of the situation and isn't respectful. So here's a few things that are mentioned.
[00:20:11] In chapter 14, which includes trying to fix everything that goes wrong rather than allowing our teens to grow by fixing their own mistakes. Anybody guilty of that? I'm sure that I've done this, and again, it's not about never doing this, but do it less, do it less often. Trust, believe in. Your teen's ability to fix their own mistakes.
[00:20:41] Also, when we worry about what others might think, which makes looking good, more important than finding out what's best for our teens, that gets us into the mischief shuffle. That really skews the messaging that we have around Do our kids feel seen? Do they feel accepted for who they are? Do they feel like they matter more than your image?
[00:21:09] I think a lot about kids, especially our queer trans kids, kids that just kind of live off the beaten path. Kids that are outliers to mainstream and we start to get uncomfortable and it can look like us choosing the comfort of being accepted by the world. Over choosing to accept our kiddos, and that can be distilled down to some pretty heavy life or death mindsets for our teens.
[00:21:43] So quit worrying about what others might think. Listen to your heart and see your teen and what's best for them. We get into the mischief shuffle when we try to protect our teens from all pain. It's okay for them to feel disappointed and embarrassed. I. It's okay for them to be uncomfortable. In fact, the more that they have those kinds of experiences, the more that they learn, okay, I can bounce back from this.
[00:22:13] This doesn't last. These experiences, these feelings, they don't last forever. So be there with them. Stand by them, be empathetic, be compassionate, but let them feel their experience.
[00:22:36] And then finally being afraid of your teen's anger. And also, you know, and I think that's one of the things, so I talk so much about relationship, right? And sometimes parents struggle to create boundaries or have expectations because they're like, well, the relationship's so good. I don't wanna. Ruin the relationship by having a boundary.
[00:22:59] And I'm here to say that it's okay. You can have a boundary. You can have boundaries and relationship, and in fact, relationships flourish when we have boundaries. When we stand up for ourselves, when we share our expectations. Don't be afraid of their irritation, annoyance, anger at us. Just be with it. I see that you're really upset by this.
[00:23:26] That's okay. I'm open to talking more about it, but this is my boundary. And then finally, when you believe you're being selfish, if you're not self-sacrificing, this is not useful. This is not good modeling, and it sends you to burnout. And resentment. You get to recognize your needs and your individuality, right, while also recognizing the same for your kiddos as you get out of the way of them learning through experience and in healthy relationship with you.
[00:24:03] I love that the authors included this chapter in the book. I think it's so important and rereading it. I wonder if it wouldn't be more useful at the front end. I. So many things that are discussed in this book can bump up against beliefs and conditioning that many of us carry from our own childhood experience.
[00:24:26] And I can see how for some readers, they might write all of this stuff off as fluff, but you and I know that this is a powerful lens to see parenting through. And to practice being in relationship with our teens, right? This chapter may be all that you need to do the work around this. And like I said, there are a few other really powerful exercises at the end of the chapter to play with for some self more self discovery.
[00:25:01] Or you know, you might wanna seek out a coach like me to work through some of this stuff, or a therapist to help you unpack what you're learning about yourself and how unresolved issues, beliefs, unexamined beliefs, and conditioning are getting in the way. Of who you wanna be. So stay in it. Stay in the work, my friends.
[00:25:25] It absolutely matters. And yeah, I believe in you.
[00:25:32] So finally, chapter 15 is just a very short conclusion to the book, and the authors highlight that this book is about moving from fearful parenting to courageous parenting. That might seem a little bit dramatic. But it's real. We either control in that authoritarian style or we shut down and become permissive in our parenting because we are afraid that if we don't, our kids won't have the good life.
[00:26:04] We hope that they have fearful parenting is overprotective. It's rigid, it's anxious. There's this underlying. Feeling of urgency. It's based on the idea that you hold all the responsibility for your teen's life and development, and it really puts you and your experience at the center of your decision making, which turns out isn't that useful.
[00:26:31] Courageous parenting, on the other hand, is loving, it's trusting, it's relaxed, it's hopeful, and optimistic. Here we recognize that we absolutely have influence in our child's development, but we respect that they're learning through their experiences, that they're capable of growth through their mistakes and they're growing resilience.
[00:26:56] We're on their team, but ultimately they are the team captain, right? And we get to trust them in this role, even when it looks messy. So in conclusion, the authors encourage courageous parents two, and I'm gonna read straight from the book. One, surround yourself with other parents who have the same goals.
[00:27:22] Hello. Join the Living Joyful Courage Membership Program. You can get on the wait list right now by going to be sprout.com/ljc. Surround yourself with other parents who have the same goals. That's exactly what we're doing in the membership program. Two, practice kind and firm parenting skills. We've talked about it in every single episode that we've broken down the chapters of this book.
[00:27:48] Three Teach skills to teens so they can manage their own life, right? Yeah. Sometimes the scaffolding is thick for that. But over time, as you continue to hand over these experiences to them, they get ever more skilled. And four, read this book again and again. You'll learn something new with every reading.
[00:28:09] Come back to this. I wanna say something about teaching skills. So. You all know that Ian is home for the summer and he is got this little window of time where he needs to get his annual checkup at the doctor. He needs to go to the dentist, the orthodontist. He needs to go to the dermatologist. He needs to do some stuff, and in an effort to hand over to him, all the things.
[00:28:36] Here's the scaffolding that I've created, and you can do this with your kiddos who are even still in high school. I'm gonna text him the names and phone numbers of the doctors and I'm gonna write him a brief script just to start the combo. So, hey, this is Ian o Rty. I need to make an appointment to see so-and-so.
[00:28:59] I'm home for the summer, what's available, right? So I'm giving him this script so that he can make the calls and he can dial in 'cause he knows his calendar, he knows his work schedule. He can dial in those appointments before the summer's over and he heads back to Tucson. So that's an example of teaching those skills and giving them space to practice.
[00:29:21] Right. Love it. Love it.
[00:29:29] Uh, you guys, what do you think? Have you enjoyed this? Did you enjoy this series? Did you listen all the way through? I'd love to hear from you about this. I'd love for you to leave a review on Apple Podcast. Shoot me a private message or an email [email protected]. I. Again, know that everything we do at Sprout Able, everything I do with parents that I work with is steeped in this philosophy of positive discipline, right?
[00:30:00] Whether I'm working with coaching clients or in the membership, or even in the Facebook group, which is free by the way, all of these places come back to the principles that are, and the practices that are described in this book. So I'm really grateful that you're connecting to me and to all of this. I know you do.
[00:30:19] You keep showing up, you keep asking for more. I'm here for it. You're amazing. Big thanks to Jane Nelson and Lynn Lot again, the authors of positive Discipline for teenagers. We love this book. Again. If you're feeling this and you have questions you wanna connect about the membership or coaching, you can book a free 15 minute explore call.
[00:30:41] At be sprout.com/explore. Take care of you today. Get in a walk or a nap. Drink plenty of water, eat some nourishing food. Pull out your journal. You know what to do. That works for you and I will see you real soon. Bye.
[00:31:05] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alanna. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at PodShaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:31:33] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents. Of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected at besproutable.com. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.