Eps 605: Middle School Series Part One – Growth, Change and Belonging

Joyful courage today means being sensitive to the needs of others even as I work through my own experiences.

Resources & Links from Today’s Episode

• American Academy of Pediatrics – Research on puberty and adolescent development
• Erik Erikson – Developmental psychology: Identity vs. Role Confusion
• Brené Brown – Work on belonging vs. fitting in
• Lawrence Steinberg – Parenting research on guiding vs. controlling teens
• Jane Nelsen – Positive Discipline for Teenagers and the “co-pilot seat”
• Pew Research Center – Teen smartphone use and online behaviors
• Joyful Courage Podcast Archive – Search 600+ episodes for parenting support: www.besproutable.com/podcasts

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement. In the messy terrain of adolescents, this season of parenting is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hey friends. Hi. Welcome back to the Pod. I'm so glad that you're here today. We are kicking off a four part. Miniseries about middle school, and if you are in it right now, you know it's a wild ride. You've got a sixth grader, seventh grader, eighth grader at home. You're kind of sliding into adolescents.
[00:01:48] You're probably noticing some really big changes or shifts in their bodies, in their moods, maybe in their friendships or just. In the way that they are interacting with you. Some days they might still seem like the little kids that you knew them to be in elementary school and other days you can see that small adult that they're morphing into and whoa, it can feel like.
[00:02:18] Right. I wanna spend this series breaking down what's happening with our kids, what they need from us, and how we can show up with encouragement, respect, and presence. Without getting lost in fear or control. You're really setting the stage during this period of time for the next. I don't know, 10 years.
[00:02:41] The, the whole journey through adolescence begins in middle school, and there's a lot to know. There's a lot to know both about their development, but also in how our response matters. We're gonna talk about specific topics. We're gonna talk about, like I said, development. Language, you know, weave in the themes and offering that I show up with every week on the pod in the context of these middle school years.
[00:03:13] So I did do the one show about middle school. I actually re-released it a few weeks ago and I had someone reach out and say, you know, this is a great podcast, but there's so much here. It'd be awesome if you broke it down into a series. And I'm finally doing that. So. You're welcome. You're welcome. And if you do not have a middle schooler, I would encourage you to listen anyway, because I think there's gonna be a lot here that's useful.
[00:03:42] You know, it's packaged as a middle school series, but again, as all this work is, this is about being in relationship with other humans. So I encourage you to check it out and listen.
[00:03:58] All right, so we're gonna start by doing kind of some broad strokes through the developmental landscape of the middle school years. This is early adolescence. Right, and middle school is really the biggest range of physical maturity that you'll see in one group of kids. Some of them look like they're still in elementary school and others look like they could be, you know, buying packs of cigarettes and porn and all the things they look like young adults.
[00:04:34] The thing that is a common thread for all middle schoolers, regardless of what they look like and where they're at in physical puberty, is that their brains are under construction, right? The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is responsible for impulse control, planning, decision making. It is one of the last regions of the brain to fully mature, often not until mid to late twenties.
[00:05:03] Right? And this has been studied and, and is a part of the research of teen brain development. This means that middle schoolers often swing between these moments, these flashes of wisdom. Right Where you're like, oh, dang. Look at the head on my head into very impulsive choices where you're left kind of like, what is happening?
[00:05:29] What, what were you thinking? Right? And puberty hits unevenly. This development happens unevenly. So research from the American Academy of Pediatrics shows that puberty can begin anywhere between the ages of eight and 13 and girls. And nine and 14 and boys. This wide range of development explains why in one classroom you might see tiny childlike sixth graders alongside peers who are shaving or wearing brass, right?
[00:06:05] And with these changes comes insecurities around body image, belonging, identity, right? And it happens on both ends of the spectrum. If you're a kiddo that's developing on the quicker. And of the spectrum. While that might feel really exciting, it's also nerve wracking to be a kid that looks 16 or 17, but in fact is only 13 or the opposite, right?
[00:06:31] If you're a kiddo who's wondering, when am I ever gonna catch up to my peers? That can be a really discouraging place to be as well, right? So I think the important thing for parents to remember is you get to just normalize this. There's nothing wrong with your kid. This is middle school. This is what middle school looks like and feels like.
[00:06:54] So I think as far as parenting through this piece goes, the most powerful thing you can do, and I've been talking about this a lot. Just in the last month or so is the power of validating, right. Equally valid, separate realities. So instead of trying to change our young teens minds about their development, their bodies, their ability to fit in or look a certain way, we get to just sit with them and be with them.
[00:07:24] And it is discouraging, right? It is discouraging. It does suck to feel like the smallest kid in gym class. I see you in that. I see you in that. What do you need? Right? How could I help you? What can I do to support right now? What would be useful? Or is it useful for me to just acknowledge? Yeah, that sucks.
[00:07:45] Right? We get to be with our kids and their experience and normalize that their experience is, is right now is the developmental period that they're in. Right. The other thing that's happening during this period of time that you'll see a big upswing in is belonging and peer influence. So the central task of adolescents, meaning the thing that they're most focused on during this period of time is a sense of belonging, right?
[00:08:19] Developmental psychologist Eric Erickson calls this stage identity versus role confusion. Kids are trying to figure out who am I and where do I fit? I want to fit in, right? And belonging is different than fitting in as well, and that's important to keep in mind. Any Brene Brown fans out there? I love Brene Brown's research that shows belonging is about being accepted as your authentic self.
[00:08:51] While fitting in requires you to change who you are to be accepted for middle schoolers, this tension is so alive every single day and it's real. And we find ourselves talking to our kids about this a lot, right? We notice, we observe and pay attention to their friend groups, to their friendships, to their peers, to what's happening.
[00:09:15] You know, in the mainstream. We wanna be asking lots of questions and. I think it's really important that we don't belittle the very real work that our young teens are doing to fit in, right? They don't wanna, most of them don't wanna be a spectacle, right? They wanna walk the halls, not get a lot of attention, maybe get a little bit of attention, maybe get the best kind of attention, but not a lot of it, just enough.
[00:09:45] It's so confusing and so challenging, and. That identity formation versus role confusion happens when our kids are working so desperately to fit in. That they aren't necessarily holding or exploring their true, authentic self, or maybe they're stifling it to be a part of one group or another group. And this is, I mean, this is a big deal and it's a lot of inner turmoil.
[00:10:14] And our job is to be really curious, right? And again, validating. And understanding that it matters to them to be a part of a group and to fit in. And I think that we do a lot of damage when we tell them. To just be themselves, right? Just be yourself. You know, you don't need you. You stand up for yourself.
[00:10:44] You don't need those people. We get to dig a little deeper and really be with the landscape of middle school and sit side by side with our kiddo and say, man, this is hard. It is hard to be yourself with that fear of ridicule or fear of rejection, being so strong.
[00:11:13] From a positive discipline lens, belonging and significance are the core motivators for human behavior. If kids don't feel like they belong, right, they're gonna do what it takes to get there. And I'll tell you where the most important place for them to belong is, is in our home. They need to know that they matter.
[00:11:33] They need to know that. You know, they are seen and accepted and appreciated and valued and believed in at home so that they can show up to school with that foundation and that confidence as they navigate the whole fitting in thing, right? So think back to your own middle school years. I remember middle school, I went to a very small private school, so I didn't have the experience that my kids had at a big middle school.
[00:12:04] But what was your experience of belonging? Did you feel like you had a group of friends? Did you ever try to change yourself to fit in? Those memories matter because they shape how we respond to our kids and they give us a little backdrop that we can also share in our relating to our kiddos. And I think it's really important that we're willing to share about our experience of middle school with our kiddos.
[00:12:32] We can share about why we may or may not be sensitive one way or another about their experience based on what we went through. And we get to let them know, Hey babe, I'm gonna do my best to show up for you. Rather than be in reaction to what comes up for you based on my experience. Does that make sense?
[00:12:57] We just get to be really transparent around, oh yeah, you getting rejected or left out is bringing up all of these experiences that I had in middle school, and so give me a minute to just kind of wade through that so that I can let my experience go and I can really be here for you. Right. I can really be here for you.
[00:13:19] We get to be transparent. It doesn't matter if they understand what you're saying or not. You're making a declaration about how you're gonna work to show up for them, and that matters deeply. The message is that they matter so much that you're gonna do what you need to do to be their person through adolescence.
[00:13:40] So this week, I think everybody's back to school. Now, this week ask your middle schooler. Where did you feel most like yourself at school? Where do you feel most like yourself at school? And then listen. Just listen. Don't correct them. Don't lecture. Just listen. And if they don't offer too much or they offer just a little bit, that back pocket response of, tell me a little bit more, tell me more about that, is going to encourage them to continue to share.
[00:14:09] Right? The other thing that happens in this like early adolescence period, is. You know, the illusion of control starts to become shaky, right? Many parents try to double down on control in middle school because it feels scary to loosen the reins, right? But research shows that authoritative parenting, which is what we talk about here, positive discipline, parenting conscious parenting, high in warmth, while also being high in structure, kindness, and firmness.
[00:14:39] Authoritative parenting is associated with better outcomes. Then authoritarian, top down control. So it's really about practicing the shift from manager to mentor. Lawrence Steinberg calls this, the transition from controlling to guiding, which supports autonomy and builds resilience. I love that. You know, Jane Nelson talks about this in the Positive Discipline book about getting into the copilot seat, right?
[00:15:10] We no longer get to fly the plane, right? We get to be a passenger. We get to be the co-pilot, the co-driver. We get to offer feedback. But ultimately we get to recognize that it is our young teens, and as they get older, our older teens and young adults that are in the driver's seat, right? Moving from manager to mentor.
[00:15:33] So this is where curiosity is huge. Curiosity's huge. Instead of telling them what to do, we get to ask questions like, what's your plan for homework? How will you handle it if someone offers you a nicotine vape? What do you want me to know about your friends? Tell me about them. Right? And then we get to listen and ask follow up questions asking instead of telling spark's critical thinking, which the adolescent brain is actively developing.
[00:16:07] Critical thinking is being actively developed during adolescence through curiosity from healthy adults. Right. Asking instead of telling is key. As you move into adolescence, and remember as I say this all the time, curiosity questions are about sparking critical thinking, like I just said, and getting better at understanding where your kid's at.
[00:16:37] It isn't about getting the answer you want, it's not about leading the witness. If your young teens think there's a right answer or an agenda to your curiosity, you're gonna get a lot of, I don't know, right? Instead, you get to be enthusiastic with your curiosity and truly drop into that curious way of being, right.
[00:16:59] We get to shift out of control into mentoring, and we get to help our kids explore their own thinking about a variety of things. Through curiosity. This doesn't mean that we don't have expectations, boundaries. You still get to have some non-negotiables around things like screen limits, curfews. You know how free they are out in the world.
[00:17:27] Absolutely. This isn't about like no rules, but this is about shifting from the idea that you can somehow control everything that your young teen is doing. And instead walk alongside them and notice what's out there and be curious about how they're gonna navigate it, how they wanna navigate it, and send the message that you are the wise mentor that they can come to when and if they've already made a mistake, if they're considering something, if they're curious about something you want to make sure.
[00:18:02] That what you're doing, what you continue to do through elementary and into middle school is nurture this environment that is welcoming, that is nonjudgmental, that's noncritical, that's curious and safe, right?
[00:18:26] So action step for you. Notice a place where you've been overmanaging, where are you holding on tight? How's that working out for you? And I encourage you to experiment with stepping back and dropping into some curiosity instead. Right? And I think that this period of time, finally, where we're headed now.
[00:18:48] Middle school is really a period of time, which can feel like everything speeds up before you realize that it's speeding up, right? So you get behind, parents get behind, and a lot of times it's because parents don't know or realize or feel like they need to be having conversations about things that feel maybe too mature or over their young adolescent's head.
[00:19:18] Now, phones, technology, sex, mental health substances, all of these conversations are happening amongst your kids, whether you are leading them or not. Pew Research found that 95% of teens have access to a smartphone and nearly half are on it almost constantly, right? Smartphones are portals to the entire online world.
[00:19:47] We don't drop them off in the middle of New York City at 13 and say, okay, good luck navigating your way home. Feel free to talk to whoever you find out on the streets if we avoid conversations about really important topics that are coming down the pipe. Kids are left to learn from their peers from TikTok or from other random corners of the internet.
[00:20:14] And guess what? Those places are not useful when it comes to talk about sex, about porn, about relationships, about consent, about how to treat each other right, how to navigate. Substances that might look kind of interesting to them. How to navigate feelings that they've never had before about others, about themselves, about their own mental health, their own inner discouragement, right?
[00:20:50] You have to have conversations about things. That are tough to talk about, and you need to start now, right? Even if you've got a sixth grader who looks like they're nine years old, you need to be talking to them and starting those conversations with curiosity. Staying ahead. On these things doesn't mean you sit them down for one giant lecture.
[00:21:11] Research on parent team communication shows that frequent short open conversations are far more effective than the occasional big talk. And this podcast you guys, I've got over 600 episodes on a variety of different topics. So punch in the topic in the search bar on my website and you're gonna get information and shows that you can listen to that can support you.
[00:21:36] In having these frequent, short, open conversations, right? It's never too late to start, even if you feel like you've missed the window, you can still show up today, tomorrow, and the next day. Again, starting with curiosity, it might sound like, tell me what you know about pornography. Tell me about what your friends talk about with consent.
[00:21:57] Is consent something that's been drilled into you guys? What do you know about it? Talk to me about that. Are kids dating? What's going on with kids these days? How are other kids using their phones? Right. Do you have any friends with body image stuff going on? Do you have friends that you're concerned about with eating disorders?
[00:22:18] Have you ever had any of your friends talk about, you know, suicidal ideation or depression or anxiety? What are those conversations like? How do you feel when somebody brings that up and you get to just. Really practice neutrality, right? You get to really practice showing up in a way that sends a message of this is a safe space for you to talk about.
[00:22:42] Whatever you wanna talk about, I can handle it. I'm not gonna judge you. I'm not gonna dismiss you. This is the time to be setting the groundwork for all of this, because all of these tough things are going to be showing up again and again. Again. As they move through middle school, through high school and into their young adult years, you get to be that wise mentor.
[00:23:04] You get to be that co-pilot, right? You get to establish yourself in that role for your kiddos, right? And let them know, not only are you available, but there's other people, there's other adults in their life who are willing to talk about the hard things. And I think there's something here too about highlighting.
[00:23:28] Why a healthy adult is a useful mentor, right? They've been through some things, they've had some experiences, and they have the best interest of your child in mind, right? And so I think it's, you know, while your kid might not say, oh, thanks for reminding me how great adults are, they might sit there and think, Hmm, yeah, I'm probably gonna go to my best friend rather than, you know, auntie, whoever.
[00:23:53] Or the guidance counselor, but thanks mom. Thanks for reminding me that there's other adults. That's okay. Keep showing up, right? Choose one topic that you've been avoiding this week and break it into a two minute seed planting conversation. What's one topic that you can bring up to your kiddos? Start with curiosity.
[00:24:13] Start with questions. And then ask, do you wanna hear what I think about this? Do you wanna hear my thoughts? What would you guess my thoughts would be? Keep it light. Right, find that levity and know that you're going to keep addressing all of these things again and again and again.
[00:24:34] All right, so we're gonna keep it short and sweet. This series is going to run for four weeks, so this is week one. I am working on a short offer for those of you with middle schoolers. What you need to know at apparent teens today, and hopefully it'll be ready by the time this podcast goes live, but it'll definitely be ready by the end of the series.
[00:25:01] I'm really excited to share it with all of you. I think it'll be just a really useful content, rich. Workshop for all of you, and it's downloadable, blah, blah, blah. So you'll love that. Be on the lookout for that. But yeah, middle school's a lot and it can feel overwhelming. You are not alone. Our kids don't need us to be perfect.
[00:25:22] They just need us to stay in the game with them, right? We need, they need us to stay grounded. And to stay present. Like I said, over the next few shows, we're gonna dive deep into the tough conversations, the life skills, and the ways we can stay connected through it all. For now, for today, remember, normalize the chaos.
[00:25:41] Listen for belonging. Trade control for curiosity. And remember, you have got this. You've got this, and I've got you. I'll see you next time.
[00:25:56] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pods Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps.
[00:26:21] Other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.