Eps 615: End the Power Struggles – Boundaries vs Rules vs Agreements for Teens

Today Joyful Courage means staying in my lane. It means recognsing that letting go is a gift I can give myself. Life unfolds for us all, today I am holding that the unfolding is opportunity after opportunity to decide how I want to experience it and grow from it, and to let go of the way others in my life may be navigating it.

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth. And man, the opportunities abound. Right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the. Adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hey everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. I am so glad that you're here with me today and actually this show is going live and I will be on my way to Tucson to see my son who's a sophomore at the University of Arizona. Yes. That little boy that I've been talking about all these years, he's a sophomore in college and living his best life, really doing college so much better than I did.
[00:01:57] Having fun, staying focused. He is interested in finding an internship this summer. He is studying business and finance, like he really gets it and it makes me so happy. Both of my kids, like they really get that they design their lives. They are the orchestrators of their life. And right now, these years of being out of the house, but not a hundred percent fully on their own, but kind of practicing and being on the on-ramp, like they're really taking advantage.
[00:02:41] Of this time and really seeing the gifts and the privilege that they have because we are able to support them in some ways while also, you know, feeling the tension of life on their own. It's really cool. It's really cool. And you know, those of you that have been with me for a long time, you know, this was.
[00:03:05] This was some tough territory, these adolescent years. Um, and there were definitely days and months where it felt like, okay, what the hell is happening? And are they gonna be okay? Turns out they are, the kids are gonna be okay, and I think there is something here inside of that. Mindset of really helping them appreciate and value the power that they have in creating the life that they want.
[00:03:36] In the micro moments and the macro moments, and I feel like that's a piece of where we're going today. Today on the solo show. What I want to talk about are kind of making some distinctions between boundaries and rules and agreements. What they look like during the adolescent years, what they don't look like, how we can show up in a way that's gonna be more helpful than it is hurtful.
[00:04:07] And by hurtful, I mean hurting their understanding of their power. Or even hurting relationship. So yeah, I'm excited and, and I have a new process, you guys, for these solo shows. I have a new process where I think of the content, I think of like where I wanna go, what I wanna talk about, and then I use ai. I know it feels funny to say that I use AI and I say, Hey, pretend that you are a podcast host and you are interviewing me about this topic, and I add some little extra details, and I invite AI to come up with eight questions, and then I have them in front of me.
[00:04:55] And so. What I notice is I just want to be a little more off the cuff with all of you. I want this to feel conversational. I don't wanna be reading a lecture, um, or an essay that I've written. And so, yeah, this is how I'm kind of playing around with my process. So. Welcome the two behind the scenes. So yeah, boundaries, rules and agreements.
[00:05:23] So as parents, as we all move into the teen years, I think. Oftentimes we find ourselves unsure about where the line is between holding firm boundaries and letting go of control. So to start, I just wanna talk about why this developmental season adolescents is such a key time for parents to rethink their approach and.
[00:05:55] I know this is valuable because I have so many clients who are really in this tension of trying to loosen reins and offer space and freedom for experiences, for mistake making, for learning, but also worried, afraid, anxious about all the worst case scenarios that could go wrong when that space is provided.
[00:06:21] So. Adolescence. It's really about this transition between childhood and young adulthood, right? Between the dependency of childhood and the freedom and autonomy of young adulthood, right? And. This transition is really this period, this long on ramp towards the experience our kids will have of feeling their feet in autonomy and independence, and really being in that space of this is on me, right, and my choices are creating my life.
[00:07:10] Right. So adolescence is this on-ramp. And some of our kids, you know, the on-ramp fluctuates. There's times when the on-ramp is wide and spacious, and then there's times where the on-ramp is a little bit tighter. Right. And I think the spaciousness and the tightness is really based on. The boundaries, the rules, the agreements that we are collaborating with, with our teenagers, and you know, the container, the energetic container that we're holding them in.
[00:07:43] So this period of time is really about supporting our kiddos are growing kids with enough room to practice the skills that they need, that they're going to need to take those steps to launch. Right, and by launch I mean really taking ever more responsibility and control of their life. The idea of the teen years can feel really scary and I think there's a couple different ways that parents come into adolescence.
[00:08:17] I think, you know, for me, I had decided it's probably not gonna be that hard. I've got this kiddo who seemingly is pretty cautious, really thoughtful. Probably isn't much of a mischief maker. Like, we're gonna have fun, it's gonna be fine. Enter, you know, eighth grade, the summer after eighth grade and ninth grade and mental health and, you know, misguided beliefs about herself and her body and her, you know, and life.
[00:08:45] And it was a shit storm, right? And I came into it. Shortsighted in that I didn't think it was gonna be this hard. And then when it got hard, I felt really wobbly. I think other parents come into it thinking, oh man, this is gonna be so hard. So we've really gotta lock things down now to avoid any kind of mistakes.
[00:09:12] Mischief, you know, bad behavior and. There's that doubling down on control as they move into middle and high school. And I think, you know, those are two extremes, and I don't think either of those are useful. I think the useful mindset coming into adolescence is, okay, this is gonna be messy, right? The decade ahead is gonna feel messy.
[00:09:38] There's gonna be highs and lows, and what do I ultimately want? Right? What do I want most for my adolescent? And when you think about that, you know, my guess is that you really want them to start to feel prepared for life, right? This chapter of childhood and adolescence, where they're at home, they're under our roof.
[00:10:04] It's short. It doesn't feel short. But consider where you are. Right here, right now, listening to this podcast. Right. And you think about the life that you've lived since leaving home versus that period of time that you were at home. Influential, absolutely important, impactful, all those things are true for those 18 plus or minus years that we spent in our parents' home.
[00:10:33] But who you are today is really about who you've developed into. After leaving home, right? And so what do we want for our kiddos as far as tools and strategies and skills so that they can continue to develop and continue to feel that freedom of, I get to design my life, right? So sit with that question and then from that place.
[00:11:08] How do we hold the space during adolescence to get them there? And you've heard me talk on this show about the illusion of control during adolescence. I think, um, when our kids are younger, elementary age, you know, we get fooled into thinking that we have a lot of control and on and on. Some levels we do, right?
[00:11:30] We can pick 'em up at least for a while and take them to the car or take them to their room or, you know, we have some. Power over our kiddos in those first 10 or so years. And as they move into adolescence, as they start to explore autonomy, as they begin to question who they are, separate from us. That illusion of control starts to get shaky.
[00:11:56] I remember when I went away to college and the first week that I was there, I met this girl in the dorms. I don't remember what exact the context was that we were talking about, but I remember her being like, oh man, I just told my parents to F off. You know, if they wanted me to do X, Y, z, I just re, all I remember is her saying, I just told my parents they could F off, and I was so floored.
[00:12:22] I was like, think, I remember thinking to myself, oh my God. I never felt like it was an option to get in my parents' face, to tell them to F off, to say, no, I'm not gonna do that. And part of that is temperament. Part of that was my relationship with them. Part of that was all the details of my childhood and my family of origin coming together.
[00:12:47] Eh, but I'll tell you what I did do. I didn't say F off to my parents, but I did in other ways. I didn't say it, but I snuck out all the time. I was sneaking out. I was lying. Even when I was getting in trouble for lying and getting in trouble for sneaking out, I was continuing to do it right. Even knowing if I get caught, I'm gonna be in, in trouble if I get caught and, and in trouble.
[00:13:09] I mean like grounded for three months. Right. And again, it didn't occur to me to be like, you can't keep me here. I'm leaving anyway, and storming out the door again. Why? I don't know, but I just was like, oh, this sucks. Right. And I got to college. Continued to engage in risky behavior, and I think a lot of that has to do with my risky behavior.
[00:13:36] Being at home was met with punishment and consequences, but not a lot of critical thinking development. A lot of lectures, a lot of being talked to, talked at, but not a lot of curiosity. Not a lot of, um, wondering about what was going on under the surface for me. And there was a lot happening there. I mean, my parents did not parent well.
[00:14:02] My parents were divorced when I was young, and there was a lot happening for me identity wise. Self-esteem wise, and nobody really was curious about that. And so I moved, you know, out of the house and into college with all those same underlying things and you know, just continued to be somewhat out of control as I moved through college as well.
[00:14:29] And my parents, you know, they, they thought they had pretty good control. I mean, they were definitely carrot and stick. As far as, um, control goes, and that didn't really support me. I mean, it kept my head above water. I didn't go too far off the rails, but I definitely was taking big risks. Right.
[00:15:04] And so that illusion of control. How can parents recognize when they are holding on too tight and what does that look like? I think our kids show us when we're holding on too tight. I think that when your world is full of power struggles and arguing. When you feel that sense of, you know, the hackles raised or I'll show you, or even defeat, I think there's something there that are indicators of like, okay, I need to evaluate how I'm doing this thing.
[00:15:43] Right? I get to, because adolescence is about sharing power, right? It's you moving out of the driver's seat. And into the passenger seat adolescence is that again, that on ramp towards independence where the kids have to try some things on, they have to feel autonomous. They get, have to experience being sovereign people so that when they're out in the world, they, it's not a new feeling.
[00:16:14] And the place where we get to lean into isn't so much like, oh gosh, I have to control this, but how can I develop influence? And I think that's a really big piece, is we want our kids to have a healthy amount of. Not wanting to disappoint us or caring about what we think coming to us, you know, to ask for advice.
[00:16:41] We want them to value who we are and what we have to say. And the way that we develop that is in how we show up in relationship with them. Right. And I think the flip side of that. Is, you know, there are those parents out there who decide, well my kid would never do that. My kid would, you know, they know we wouldn't stand for any kind of reckless behavior or dishonesty or, you know, fill in the blank.
[00:17:15] And my question to those parents is, well, how far are you willing to go? Right. When our kids do get into mischief, 'cause they, they will on some level. During the teen years, how far are you willing to go? And I think when we talk about relationship and developing relationship, we recognize that our kids are gonna think more about us when they're in good relationship with us than they are when it's a power struggle.
[00:17:42] Because a lot of times when it's a power struggle and you're over controlling, one of the natural responses that our kids have to us is, okay, really? You think you can control me? Watch me. And again, how far are we willing to go? Collaboration, curiosity, consideration, you know, when building relationship and nurturing relationship with our, with our kids, these qualities, collaboration, curiosity, consideration, they go a long way with teens and they give them tons of space for practicing life skills.
[00:18:15] So we're gonna weave that into the conversation today.
[00:18:22] So, you know, I feel like a lot of times parents, we interchange the words boundaries versus rules versus agreements. And I wanna talk about these three things as three separate things, right? So personal boundaries really are about how are you willing to be treated? What are you willing to do? Where are you taking a stand for yourself?
[00:18:47] Non-negotiable rules or hard lines. Those are those things where it's like, you know, this is a value and this is the rule. We get to recognize that non-negotiable rules are for now, right? And can shift over time. We want fewer of these because this is a slippery spot for power struggle, right? I think non-negotiable rules can also morph into like what's normalized in our home, right?
[00:19:19] What's normalized in our home? What are we modeling? What are we valuing? Right. So there non-negotiable rules are allowed. If you need permission, I'm here to say you get to have rules, but again, fewer are better. Fewer are better. And just because you have a non-negotiable rule doesn't necessarily mean that your kiddo's like, okay, great.
[00:19:40] That's a rule that I can't break and I'm not going to. Chances are they're still gonna be like, Hmm, really? Let me just try that out myself. And then finally, collaborative agreements. Those are win-wins. They're solutions that work for everyone. They're living documents, they have opportunities to check back in tweak, make it work.
[00:20:02] Collaborative agreements are really a process, and I've got podcast episodes about this are a process. Where you get to come together with your teen, hear them, listen to them, get a better understanding of their experience, share your own emotional honesty with them, your concerns with them, and then together find a solution that works for everyone.
[00:20:25] So examples, a personal boundary could be, I am not gonna discuss your phone with you. When you're angry and you're name calling and you're treating me poorly, I'm gonna go in the other room. You can come find me when you're ready to talk. So I've decided what am I willing to take, right? How am I willing to be treated and putting a personal boundary up?
[00:20:48] That's me saying like, Nope, I'm not gonna engage in conversation that feels hurtful or toxic, but I'm absolutely ready to have this conversation when everybody's. Calm and self-regulated. A non-negotiable might sound like, Hey, the phone is a privilege, and access to the phone comes with a willingness to be in discussion about limits.
[00:21:12] So the hard line is we have limits on technology, right? A collaborative agreement can sound like, let's sit down and create a screen agreement that we can both live with. So are you seeing the differences there in that same context of phone and screens, right? There's the personal boundaries. How are you willing to be treated?
[00:21:34] What are you willing to do? There's the non-negotiable, right? The hard line, and then there's the collaborative agreement. How can we make this work? Can you be in contribution as well? Teen of mine. I think that it's important to remember as we're talking about boundaries and rules and agreements, that respect and autonomy are everything during adolescence and positive discipline.
[00:22:02] You know, we love mutual respect. We love mutual respect, and remember when we talk about mutual respect, mutual respect is I'm gonna respect you and your experience, validate that it's real for you, connect with you around. What's alive for you? Listen, be curious. I'm also gonna respect myself in the situation.
[00:22:24] I'm also going to set some boundaries around, again, how I'm willing to be treated. What I'm willing to do. I'm gonna respect the situation. Meaning like if we stick with the phone. 'cause everybody, nobody likes the phone. You know that, that respecting this situation is, hey, this is a tool that offers, you know, endless freedom of exploration.
[00:22:49] And because you are 13 or 14. The responsibility, it's important for you to learn the skills over time to be able to use this tool, right? We don't just say when they're, you know, 12. Okay. Now that you're 12, you can, you know, have fun out in the world and do whatever you want and explore and talk to anybody.
[00:23:16] Try things out. Like we don't say that and yet we give them these phones. This is not a podcast about screens, but here I am talking about screens. We give them these, these devices and we're like, okay, good luck out there. Don't do anything bad. Right? Clear boundaries. Clear personal boundaries and collaborative agreements.
[00:23:39] These things teach teens respect and self-regulation rather than just compliance. So again, those personal boundaries, modeling self-respect, modeling self-regulation, modeling, being that confident authority and positive leader. That the family needs. That's what personal boundaries are about. And then again, the collaborative agreements being that the teens voice and experience matters.
[00:24:06] We seek to listen for understanding. We seek to see things from a different perspective. Right? That sends such huge messages around your experience matters. Right? And I'm curious about it, and I'm willing to change my mind. I think that's something that shows up a lot with parents is they'll say like, if they, and I used to do this all the time, the kids would ask for something and I would immediately say, no, no, you can't do that.
[00:24:35] And I had to learn over time to say, let me think about this, or give me more information, and really be present with what they were sharing with me so that we could come up with, you know, how can we make this work and also keep you safe and meet my concerns, right? So collaborative agreements, send a message.
[00:25:01] To our teens about how we're holding them. Are we holding them as capable? Are we holding them as thoughtful or are we holding them as reckless and irresponsible? Right? Because if we're holding them as reckless and irresponsible, they're gonna show up that way. They're gonna rise to that occasion. So we get to do that internal work of like, wow, I want my kiddo to feel capable and responsible and thoughtful.
[00:25:27] So I can start by holding them as that right now. Parents often get tripped up when they're trying to, you know, set some personal boundaries or involve teens in agreements and that makes sense. It makes sense. 'cause this isn't the model that I grew up with. This isn't the model that most of us grew up with.
[00:25:51] Most of us grew up with that model of. Do what you're told and break the rule and you know, suffer the consequence, right? And so this idea that mistakes are made or agreements are broken, or rules are broken, and we don't lay down the hammer, we get really scared that we're being too permissive or engaging in these collaborative agreement negotiations.
[00:26:15] We worry about, oh, our kids think they can get away with whatever they want. You know, we have these stories, a lot of it fueled from outside of our inner wisdom and worries of what will other people think that really get in the way of, again, what is it that we want most, right? We want our kids to move through the on ramp to young adulthood and have some solid critical thinking judgment organization.
[00:26:45] Have some key skills so that they can keep growing and thriving and learning through what they go through. Right? The other thing that gets in the way too is sometimes a dynamic is created where when we are holding a boundary, a personal boundary, or we're, you know, leaning into a collaborative agreement.
[00:27:09] Or we're just simply a no to something. We feel like, well, I don't wanna hurt my kids' feelings, or I don't wanna damage the relationship. And so we tend to be, you know, in the yes or kind of door, Matty, because we just wanna, we're kind of just so desperate for that relationship. This work is about being kind and firm.
[00:27:33] And the simple mindset shift to re-calibrate is really remembering, okay, I get to be kind and firm. I get to be kind and firm. Our kids get to have their experience of us, right? They get to feel disappointed. They get to feel angry. They get to feel annoyed, right? It's okay for them not to love the personal boundary or.
[00:27:58] Even agree to like a family norm or a rule. We get to validate. I know this sucks. It's hard. You'd love to drive a car, you'd love to drive. You have your permit. You've got a lot of experience. You're not 16 yet. I know it. It doesn't feel like a big deal to just drive into town and go to the store really quick and we value the law.
[00:28:21] And we're gonna follow the rules of the law. So it's okay to feel annoyed by that. I see that I get it right. Kind and firm means I'm gonna respect you and your experience while also respecting myself and the situation. And our kids are gonna push back. That's part of their job. Our job is to stay grounded and connected when our teens challenge or break.
[00:28:50] A boundary or an agreement without being in that reactive mode of either, you know, punishing them or putting our head in the sand.
[00:29:09] So how do we do that? How do we stay engaged? Right? And it's a layered response. It's a layered response. So I think something that's, if you don't already do this, you gotta do it. Like it's a non-negotiable, it's like eating breakfast or you know, moving your body, drinking water, having a personal practice.
[00:29:34] That helps you get better at being present and noticing when you're conditioning, when you're storytelling, when your patterns are getting in the way of how you're responding to the people that you love. Right? Personal growth is available and inviting you in all the time, so that matters, right? It matters.
[00:29:58] Having a practice where you can. Pause and say, okay, whoa. What is going on with me right now? I am so angry, or I am so sad, or I am so disappointed, or I feel so out of control and pausing and coming into right here, right now, and being curious about how you're feeling, being curious about where it's coming from, and then deciding, do I want this feeling to be what's leading the charge here?
[00:30:29] What do I ultimately want? What do I wanna create? Who do I wanna be? What does my kid need? Right. To be able to do that in the moment, especially a hot moment, you've gotta have a lot of practice doing that when it's cooler. Right. And for me it's a daily, almost daily morning practice of meditation, of journaling, of contemplation.
[00:30:54] Of practicing, noticing my mind wandering and coming back, right? So there's that piece. That's a really important piece that's foundational when it comes to parenting. And if you're in a conversation around, I don't have time to do that, I'm here to say you do. You just get to prioritize it, right? Look at how much time you're spending looking at your phone and decide, Hmm, could 30 minutes of that.
[00:31:20] Be, you know, quiet time for you. It's worth it. It matters. Life gets better when we get better at being present and curious about ourselves and how we're showing up to what is unfolding in front of us and all of us in midlife. We know it doesn't get any easier, right? We've made it to midlife. We've got teenagers in the house.
[00:31:48] It may or may not have aging parents, ailing parents may or may not have, you know, some job stress may or may not have a partner and, and, and shaky, you know, new evolution of marriage. Like the hits just, it, life keeps unfolding and I, I don't even wanna call it hits because it's neutral. It's the terrain, right?
[00:32:12] It's something that you know, and those of you, most of you are moms that listen to this show. How's perimenopause going? How's menopause going? Right? There's so many layers to life right now, and who we are and how we're meeting it, that not having a personal practice where you are grounding yourself and slowing things down and being curious.
[00:32:36] Like, it's just you're, it's just what you should be doing. So just do it. Okay. And if you're like, I don't know how to do it, let's get on a call. I'll help you, I'll help you. The other thing I think that's really important when we're talking about our kids pushing back or breaking rules or boundaries or agreements, you know, I think a really important thing is to stay in curiosity and to really seek to understand and to look for the whole picture.
[00:33:05] Because it's pretty likely that you'll at some point get a report from the school or another parent, or just find out on your own that they've made some poor choices, right? And before you get down on them for the poor choices, keep in mind there's a series of events and beliefs and thoughts that led up to the moment of making whatever the choice was that your kiddo made.
[00:33:33] Talk about that. Help me see the pathway that led you here. I'm curious about it and not from that place of what were you thinking? Make me understand, but really like, wow, there's a lot of things going on under the surface and I wanna understand them because this choice that you made made sense to you in the moment.
[00:33:54] So let's tease that apart. Believe that they're doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment. Remember that teenagers. And humans, they're great perceivers. Teenagers are, they're inexperienced interpreters. So if it's a social situation, you know, I'd be curious about knowing what is their belief around belonging.
[00:34:18] So to belong, I must do what the group is doing. Go along, right? If that's true to belong in this friend group, I've got to do what they're doing. So then it makes sense for me to do that thing as a way to belong, to belong in this group. You know, everybody vapes, right? So to feel a sense of belonging and comradery, I've gotta vape.
[00:34:45] It makes sense for me to vape because belonging is so important to me, right? So if that's the case, if that's the belief, we can be upset that our kiddos engaged in risky, unhealthy behavior. But even deeper than that, like tell me about what it's like trying to fit in. Tell me what it's like, what do you love about these friends and, and what do you think about, like, what would life be like in a different group and if these are the ones you know that you really wanna spend time with, is there a way of being friends with them and still, you know, holding your personal values?
[00:35:25] Let's talk about belonging. What does that mean to you? So versus like, don't you know that vaping nicotine is really bad for you and we had a rule and how dare you? Like that's not really useful, right? That's not a useful angle to take. Instead, let's talk about belonging. Let's talk about this weird period of time where everybody wants to fit in and everyone wants to feel like they have friends and.
[00:35:54] What does that look like when your friends are doing things that you don't wanna do? Right? That's a useful conversation. And then finally, remember that solutions are always consequences. But consequences. IE punishment don't actually solve problematic behavior, right? We get it in our minds that, well, if they break a rule, they need a consequence.
[00:36:18] If they break the agreement, there's gotta be a consequence. And the consequence mainly being like, they need to feel more pain. They need to know that we're not okay with this, and to show them we're not okay with this. We're gonna ground them or take their phone or, you know, do other, some other thing.
[00:36:37] Okay. I mean, if, if that, if the point of that is I need them to know that I'm pissed about this and uh, this is how I'm gonna do it, then just call it what it is. But the idea that those kinds of consequences are gonna help a kid in the moment of, I just wanna belong and I can do this thing and feel connected to this group.
[00:37:01] The idea that we've helped them with that by saying, you're grounded. 'cause I found out that you were vaping. It just doesn't compute. It doesn't, it's not as helpful as we think it is. So instead, like I already mentioned, we get to go under the surface and, and we might explore under the surface and get a much better understanding of our kiddo and still say, you know, it feels like this weekend it'd be really nice for us to just hang as a family.
[00:37:29] Like, let's all clear our calendars and let's just drop in. For some connection and just kind of remember, remember our roots, remember our values, right? Do some things together and know that you can always talk to me about what's going on with your friends. And I'm here to listen and I'm not gonna judge.
[00:37:46] And I, I see how hard it is, right? And I want you to stay healthy. I want you to be able to feel a sense of belonging without engaging in unhealthy behaviors, right? And ultimately, that's up to you teenager. Because again, adolescence is when critical thinking and decision making skills are starting to truly develop.
[00:38:12] Right? And there's so many opportunities for us to hold a space where our kids can practice those skills, right? And it's that work of finding solutions. We get to shift from the idea that our kids who are making mistakes are defiant and shift into, okay, my kiddo has some skills that are lacking, right?
[00:38:38] And skills that are lacking might be like the ability to stand in their truth, to be self-advocates. To have the courage to, you know, potentially risk belonging to a group by choosing to, you know, choosing the healthy thing. That's hard. That's a hard ask. That's a big ask for a 14-year-old or a 15-year-old.
[00:39:07] So we get to, as we empower critical thinking skills, we get to come at it from a place of like, okay. Wow, that was a big, bold, risky choice, you know? How are you feeling about that right now? How are you feeling now that you've, you know, it's all come out, what can you tell me about what it's like to be you right now?
[00:39:30] You know, I'm just curious. I, and thinking about, you know, what skills does your kiddo need when considering the experiences and the circumstances that they're finding themselves in? So if they're in a situation where their homework isn't getting done and they're falling behind and their grades are bad, or they're getting into mischief in the classroom, like, okay, so what are the lagging skills?
[00:39:56] What do they need and how can you support them and developing them, or social skills, like that's what I'm always curious about. We get so hung up on the bad choice or the mistake or the broken rule. That we don't dig in deeper, and I think that's what this whole show today is about, is really digging deeper, going below the surface of the iceberg.
[00:40:20] Remember the iceberg to figure out how the mistake, the risky behavior, the broken agreement, like on some level. That was a solution to a problem our kiddo was having that we just don't know about, and we won't know about it unless we dig in, right? Unless we dig in. So we get to respond in a way that prompts critical thinking, and this is not for your sake, this is for their sake, right?
[00:40:56] Again, we want our kids to recognize that they designed their life. Sometimes that feels really heavy. Sometimes it can feel like, oh God, this is all on me. And that can feel like too much. So we're not abandoning them. We're, they're not alone in this, but we can say, no, man, I, it can be heavy or it can be empowering.
[00:41:18] Like you get to decide, you get to decide what your experience is and you know, there's definitely ways of making life easier. There's lots of paths and you get to pick the path, and I'm gonna love you no matter which path you pick. I'm gonna love you. I'm gonna stand here and remind you that you've got skills, that you're capable, that you're not alone.
[00:41:45] And yeah, this is about you. This isn't about me. I think that's a big thing that we get to break as parents of teenagers is really. Letting their life and experience be about them and not about us. And that's personal work for sure.
[00:42:02] So for any of you that are listening who are feeling like you're constantly walking a tightrope between connection and control, or flexibility and firmness, here's a powerful shift that you can make this week to move towards more collaboration and trust. And that is pay attention to relationship. And not just relationship with your teen, but relationship with yourself, relationship with yourself.
[00:42:30] Again, how are you tending to you? What is curiosity towards yourself look like? Right? How are you getting under the surface of your behavior and your thoughts and your beliefs? So there's that piece. Relationship with self and relationship with your teen. Get some one-on-one time in right? One-on-one time where you are mentioning a strength, right?
[00:43:00] Or just curious about their life one-on-one time. That is about you listening and listening some more and listening some more, right one-on-one time that really offers evidence that you accept them for exactly who they are today. And the skills that they have, the skills that they don't have, it's all a part of the landscape of today.
[00:43:24] And trust that everything will change, right? Believe in their continued growth and release the idea that you know what's best for them, which is kind of weird for me to say. But I mean that in, you know, other than having you as a supportive presence in their life, what if you release the idea that you see the path ahead of them, and instead, stand next to them and look at all the options and be in the excitement that they're on the road.
[00:43:58] They're on their path and you're not going anywhere you love them. Yes, absolutely. Collaborative agreements exist. Yes, absolutely. You get to declare the non-negotiable rules. Yes, absolutely. You get to have personal boundaries and I mean. Life is exciting. Life isn't unfolding. Right. They get to decide.
[00:44:23] They get to decide,
[00:44:28] and it's hard to be with that. I know. I know. So I hope that was useful. I am really excited every time I get to be here with you. If you have questions, you can email me [email protected] or jump into the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group. Ask me there or ask the group anything that's come out of this conversation that you want more information on.
[00:44:55] I mean, 45 minutes isn't a lot of time, and I'm a coach. I have time. I have space for new clients. So if you wanna do some one-on-one work with me to continue to deepen in the distinction between personal boundaries, rules. Collaborative agreements. If you wanna do some work around what it means to really lean into that personal growth practice, I am here for it.
[00:45:23] I'm here for it. And you are welcome to book a 15 minute call with [email protected] slash explore. Get on my schedule, tell me what's going on, and I'll let you know what's a good fit. Maybe you, maybe the membership. Maybe some one-on-one coaching or maybe I have a couple podcasts that could deepen your work for you.
[00:45:42] So I am here for you. I'm here for you, and I'm helping lots of people, so don't be afraid to reach out and I'll be back again on Monday. So have a great weekend. Know that I will be loving it over in Tucson with my baby boy. But I'll be seeing you soon. Alright, bye.
[00:46:08] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good as I mentioned. Sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:46:35] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.