Eps 664: Parenting and launching your teen

Today joyful courage is about honoring myself and my present moment. It is about being with whatever emotion is coming up and being brave enough to hold boundaries and share my truth.

Resources mentioned

• Cindy Palmer episode on supporting neurodivergent kids heading to college
• Last week’s episode on fawning and moving through crisis
• The Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group (where the listener question came from)
• Casey’s membership and group coaching program

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome. Welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescence. This season of parenting is no joke, and while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth, and man, the opportunities abound, right? My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media. Rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show
[00:01:24] Hi. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to the Joyful Courage Podcast. I'm really glad to be here with you, and guess what? It's another solo show. You and me. I got some interviews coming down the pipes, but I like to just show up for you, and today, I am pretty off-the-cuff, so I'm showing up. It's actually Wednesday evening.
[00:01:47] I just finished a membership call, a group coaching call, with some people that are in my membership program, which was awesome. It was a opportunity. We talked about firmness. We talked about bedtime. We talked about how to ask for support from our partners. We talked about deciding what we will do and following through.
[00:02:08] Yeah, it was a good call, and it gave me a lot of opportunities. I think something that happens when people start to work with a parent coach, or maybe they read a new parenting book, or they take a class, and they're exposed to this, maybe, a different way of parenting than how they were raised, what happens is, "Okay, I'm not supposed to do that thing I used to do, but what am I supposed to do?"
[00:02:33] And there's this, like, paralysis when things get hard or when our kids push back, where the tool of, you know, overly firm or getting in their face or being intimidating or taking things away, you know, when I'm saying, like, "Don't do that. There's other ways," it takes a minute for the toolbox to fill up with other things.
[00:02:54] But one of my favorite tools is, decide what you will do and do it. Decide what you will do and do it. Declare it and do it. And something that came up tonight in the call was this tool isn't, "And then they'll do what you want them to do." The tool of deciding what you will do and following through is really about having personal boundaries and, like, holding them.
[00:03:19] So anyway, that was exciting. That was exciting, but that is not what the show is gonna be about today. Today, we have a very topic-specific show. It comes straight from the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group, which is quiet a lot of the time, and then every once in a while, somebody's like, "Well, I got a question."
[00:03:39] So two days ago, a question was posted in the group, and here's what it says. She starts with, "Hi, everyone. Wondering if there is an episode that explores how to best show up for our kids in the months before and after they start college. My eldest is heading off to the other side of the country next month, and we're so happy for her, but it's also bittersweet.
[00:04:01] I don't want her to worry about us being sad, but also want her to know it's okay to have complicated feelings of her own around this transition, and what's a good approach to communication with our kids their freshman year of college? Any advice would be appreciated." And I responded with, "This sounds like a good podcast episode.
[00:04:18] I am gonna create that for you," and so that's what I'm- doing. And the other thing that showed up in the comments is one of the members mentioned using the yes, I love this, and is one of the most powerful leadership tools. We can hold, as you described, both emotions and feelings, and communicating it like this is very powerful.
[00:04:40] I'm so excited for you to go to college, and I'm sad that this chapter of living at home as we've known until now Will be different, will change. I love that. Yeah, we can hold the both/and, right? We can be excited and sad. We can be, you know, proud and, you know, a little moany-groany about our kiddo who's just not gonna be in our day-to-day the way that they are now.
[00:05:08] And I would say it is a privilege and a gift to have a kid who's going off to college and feel like you're sad about it. Because listen, there are families where the child is soiling the nest, as they say, and the parent can't wait for that kid to leave the house, right? So there's that piece, too. Like, how wonderful to have a relationship with your kiddo, with your young baby adult kiddo, that feels like, "Oh, man, I'm gonna miss you.
[00:05:37] I'm gonna miss having you around." Yeah, so that's the question. That was the request, and so I'm gonna talk about that. I think this is gonna be useful for those of you in the summer before college with your kids. This is gonna be useful for those of you with little bit, you know, maybe sophomore, junior in high school.
[00:05:55] It's gonna be useful for those of you with middle schoolers. Like, listen for the nuggets that apply to you right now, and know that eventually you are gonna be in this season of launch. And launch might be going to college, it might be moving out, it might be graduating and not moving out, it might be getting a job, it might be going to trade school.
[00:06:17] Things shift, and that's part of life. That's part of them growing up, and there's all sorts of complicated emotions that come with it. There's a change in our role, which can be really tricky for parents, right? Especially mothers who have formed somewhat of an identity, perhaps, around being needed, about, like, knowing all the things and being organized.
[00:06:40] Listen, this time of life is the training ground for being out in the world and being on their own. This is training ground. And the summer before college, if no other time... I mean, I did this, like, the whole senior year with Ian. I don't remember who told me about this. It was on one of my shows. One of my guests talked about parenting a year ahead, and I just thought that was so brilliant.
[00:07:08] Because what happens when our kiddos, if they leave the house and they go live on their own, they have all of this freedom, and if they haven't practiced being with the freedom, being with the endless supply of distraction and fun and opportunity, if they haven't had a chance to be in the tension of, "What do I want most versus what do I want now?
[00:07:37] What do I gotta do tomorrow?" "Wow, this party sounds really fun," like, if they haven't been inside of that, and even maybe chosen the fun over the responsibility and lived through the consequence of that, they're gonna get to college, and it's gonna be a little flaily out there for them. It definitely was for me.
[00:07:55] So you want to remember that this time, especially the summer before college, is a time to practice with so much freedom, right? And it doesn't mean you as the parent check out. You just get to be explicit around, "Hey, babe, you're about to go be on your own, and that's really exciting. And I want you to experience what it's like to make your own choices around things like curfew and how you're spending your time, how you're spending your money.
[00:08:29] I'm also gonna stay engaged with you and ask a lot of questions, and, you know, it's cool. We're on the same team here." We're on team you launching into a baked enough young person out in the world, doing no harm to yourself or others, right? Taking some responsibility, following through with what you say you're gonna do.
[00:08:48] We want them to launch into that way of being, so they have to practice. So there's that
[00:09:03] One of the things I think remains as really important, and this is for teens, for teens right before they go to college, for teens who are home for the summer from college, a tool that's really important in creating cohesion and, you know, mutual respect is routines, having routines. And routines are anything from, "Hey, we eat dinner together three times a week.
[00:09:28] Here are the days, here are the times," that you create together. Routines can be, "Here's what we do with our dishes when we're done." Routines could be picking your underwear off the floor if you're taking a shower, Ian He won't listen to this podcast. You know, there's, like, little routines around this is what we say we're gonna do, but then there's also routines like, you know, how do we manage chores?
[00:09:54] Like, so often there's this dynamic that I hear from clients where the kids are like, "Well, I'm 18 now, so you can't tell me what to do," or, you know, "I'm going to college, so you can't tell me what to do." And when that's the dynamic, then we've gotten it a little bit wrong with things like chores and contributions.
[00:10:14] Chores and contributions aren't like you have to do this because you're the kid. Chores and contributions, the energy and the spirit around chores and contributions in the household are we all live here. We all get to contribute to the state of our space and of our environment, right? So I'm not telling you what to do.
[00:10:37] I'm saying you get to be a roommate later on. You get to be a partner of someone later on. Or, you know, you can live in your own filth, I guess. Eventually, my daughter does live in a studio apartment, so she doesn't necessarily have to be a good roommate, but, you know, she doesn't wanna live in her own filth, so she has learned through, you know, over time in our family, and mostly on her own, a rhythm and a routine that helps her maintain cleanliness, and know where her stuff is, and all that good stuff.
[00:11:08] I think one of the things that happens as our kids get older is parents get to let go of what chores and contributions look like, and we get to really lean into meaningful work. Like, what's meaningful? Do you know what I hate doing? Well, I don't hate it, but I do not love going to the grocery store. It's not my favorite thing to do.
[00:11:30] I live out of town. I spend a lot of time, I work from home. I'm in this area. I rarely go into town. But you know who's always wondering when am I gonna go to the grocery store? My college-aged son. And you know what I say? I say, "You can go. Here's my card. You wanna go grocery shopping? That would be awesome.
[00:11:46] Here's the list. Here's the card. Thank you for your contribution." Right? It's super meaningful. It matters to him. It matters to the whole family. So things like that, or even asking the kids, like, "Here's the list of things to maintain some order in our home. What are you willing to pick up this week? What's that gonna look like?
[00:12:08] When will you get it done?" So chores and routines are not about you have to because I said so. Chores and routines are about, hey, we all live together and we all get to help. We all get to pitch in, right? So I think if that's not the messaging that you've been delivering, start now. And where I'm going with this is, so when they are summer before college or college summers during college, it doesn't mean that now they're guests in the house that don't have to contribute to the household.
[00:12:38] Like, they still get to be in contribution. You still get to have those conversations. And if you're a family that has used family meetings in the past, they already know the system for figuring it out, right? You get to say, "You know what? Family meeting time." I actually need to do this soon. "Family meeting time.
[00:12:56] Here's what I'm noticing about the floor," right? In our house, it's like we have a dog and a cat, they're in and out. We have two adult adults and a college kid, and the floor, it just has a li- I mean, I don't know what happens, but the floor becomes covered in crap really fast. And we could either all ignore it, which happens sometimes until it's like, "Oh, God, I gotta take care of this," or we could have a system and know, okay, this week I'm gonna sweep the floor every other day And I know that if there's three of us, then I'm not gonna have to be the floor person for three weeks, 'cause it'll be somebody else's turn next week, and then somebody else's turn the following week.
[00:13:38] I mean, that's actually a system I would love to put into place. I'm gonna pitch that. I'll let you know how it goes. But yeah, so I think that's a really important piece. I think that, like I already said, really lean into lots of space for making choices, and freedom, and using their own judgment, and critical thinking.
[00:13:59] And if you're thinking to yourself, "Okay, all this freedom, we're never gonna see them," and I'm thinking about this mom who wrote in, "I am sad. I already miss her." One of the things that you can do, and this kind of falls under routines, but it also falls under kind of expectation and responsibility, is put special time on the calendar, right?
[00:14:20] Give some structure around that freedom. So awesome. Well, we wanna make sure that at least once a week we're doing something with the whole family, because gosh darn it, daughter of ours, we're gonna miss you, so let's make some memories. What day of the week is gonna work, right? And maybe in your family it's a Thursday night thing.
[00:14:38] In our family, my daughter comes over for dinner often on Thursday nights. That's kinda like the night that works for everybody, and it's unintentionally become a routine, even when Ian's off at college, which is really nice, 'cause we know we're gonna see her. If your family's a little bit more scattered, then it can be kind of a weekly check-in on Sundays.
[00:14:57] Okay, what day this week are we gonna have a movie night, or a game night, or take a walk, or go do something fun, right? So you get to build in, you get to request. Not only request, you get to say, "We are going to have family time every week And how it looks when it is, that's all up for negotiation. But whether or not you're spending time with the family is not up for negotiation.
[00:15:20] And then, if you, the parent, want a little extra one-on-one, you know, same system. "Hey, I wanna make sure that we get one-on-one time a lot before you leave, and it's also really important to me that you get to see your friends, that you get to feel the sense of freedom and responsibility. So maybe there's one morning a week where we just sit down and have a warm drink or split a bagel and just touch base," right?
[00:15:46] You get to create that experience, right? You get to b- create that experience if that's what you want. The other thing, yeah, is that mindset of, and I already kinda mentioned this, that both/and of I'm so excited for you, and oh, my gosh, am I gonna miss you. The important thing when you share that with your kiddos is you don't wanna make your emotional experience their problem, right?
[00:16:09] Because they've already got their own mixed bag of emotions and experiences that they're having as they look out into the unknown, and it's a big unknown. I remember the first night that Ian spent the night at the dorm. I was still in Tucson, and he ca- he had gone to see a buddy at their apartment, and then he and his roommate were walking back to his dorm room, and I remember getting this text, "What if I don't like it?"
[00:16:35] Like, all of a sudden he realized, "Holy shit, I live in Tucson now. I'm at this brand-new place. I've been here for two days. I'm gonna live in this weird room, with my best friend," so that was a bonus for him. But, you know, yeah, what if you don't like it? And my response was, "Oh, babe, you're gonna love it. I am pretty sure you're gonna love it, and if it's not the right fit, you finish the semester, and we figure it out, right?
[00:17:03] Nothing's permanent." And that was that, and guess what? He's a Wildcat through and through, and he loves it. He finished his sophomore year, as you all know, and is going back for more in August. More Tucson. More Wildcat fun at the U of A. So, yeah, we get to hold space for them to be in their experience, right?
[00:17:24] We get to take care of ourselves, take care of our own feelings of sadness, right? Or that bittersweetness of it, 'cause it is, it's okay to feel sad, of course. Your kiddo is launching. You know, some of our kids go plane rides away. My daughter's just in town. I drive 15 minutes, I'm at her place. My son Is much farther away, and of course, it feels sad, right?
[00:17:54] It feels sad. You miss them, you like them, and this is what's supposed to happen, people. They're supposed to launch, right? They're supposed to launch. This is appropriate. If they're ready, let 'em go, right? If they're ready, let 'em go. You know, as you get closer to time to, to move them, you know, one thing that worked in my favor that was, I kinda did naturally, was that I didn't really totally know what was going on.
[00:18:25] And I really let Ian know, like, "Hey, I need your help. I need you to pay attention to deadlines and this and that." So I was a little bit like, "I don't know what's happening. You know, can you check the website? You look at the checklist. You find out, you know, this, that, and the other thing." And that was useful because one, he did it, and two, he got to experience doing it, right?
[00:18:53] They are launching. They are going to college. This is when we get out of the way. If we haven't already, now is the time. One thing that drives me nuts is being in the parent group, the Facebook group for parents with kids at U of A, and when parents talk about their kids' experience, but they use we. So we are moving in on August 19th, or We just got something in the mail, versus no, you're not moving in.
[00:19:27] Your kid is moving in. Like, be clear about that. And it sounds like a little thing, it sounds like semantics, but it's not. Let them be in their experience and get out of the way, right? Get out of the way. It is so exciting and it's so fun, and for someone like me who... You know, Ian went to my school. It was very nostalgic.
[00:19:47] Almost too nostalgic last parents' weekend, if you know what I mean. But it was so, and it has been so his experience. And even, you know, he's talking about wanting to study abroad. He's talking about wanting to do an internship, and that suggestion that I just made around, it's not really a suggestion, but that kind of like let them take the lead.
[00:20:08] They're developing skills even in the figuring out how to do the thing, right? And they only develop those skills if they have room and a nudge to figure out how to do the thing.
[00:20:29] Now, if you're sitting there thinking like, "Well, oh, geez, I mean, if my kid's in charge of that, we're missing all the deadlines and this, that, and the other thing," and, you know, I mean There's some learning there. There's some learning there. It's important. You know, they're not stoked about their dorm, or they have to, you know, take certain classes 'cause they weren't on top of it.
[00:20:53] I mean, all of that is preventable, but they need to know that it's preventable, and preventable doesn't mean my mom does it for me or my dad does it for me. It really is like, okay, I need to be more on top of this for next time, right? I gotta be more on top of it for next time. And sometimes parents are like, "Well, then it becomes my problem," and I'm like, "Well, is it?
[00:21:14] Is it your problem? Or is your problem now your kid's uncomfortable with what they ended up with, and you have a problem being with their discomfort?" 'Cause if that's the situation, then you get to hire a coach or hire a therapist or phone a friend and figure out how to get better at being with your kiddo as they move through natural consequences.
[00:21:38] They need you to not have a hard time with that. They need you to be rock solid steady, "You got this. I see you. This sucks. You're right. You can do it." They don't need you to be like, "Oh, babe, I'm so sorry. Let me try to fix this. Let me make it better." They might need you to say, "I wonder what you could do to remedy this," or, "I wonder what kind of other options there are.
[00:21:58] I wonder who you might wanna talk to about that. I'm guessing so-and-so might be useful. You should check that out." Right? So it's not, like, full abandonment, but man, parents, get out of the way. Let your college-age kids navigate college, 'cause they can do it, and if they can't do it, what are they doing there, right?
[00:22:20] What are they doing there? They're not ready. And some of our kids need extra scaffolding, which is great. That's the other thing they get to figure out. I have a really good interview with my friend Cindy Palmer from a couple years ago. She talks about neurodivergent kids in college and, like, how parents can support them leading up to college around things like getting support and taking their meds and all the scaffolding that comes with, you know, neurodivergence.
[00:22:49] I will put, I don't know what episode that was, but I will put it in the show notes so you can revisit, or you can just go to the website and put Cindy Palmer into the search, and that'll come up. But yeah, yes, get out of the way. Believe in them. Trust them. You know, they feel capable when you treat them as though they are, so that's really important.
[00:23:13] The other advice that I got actually from my stepmom was when you drop them off, make sure that they're walking away from you, that you're not walking away from them. So, like, when we said our final goodbye to Ian, oh, it was so sweet. My husband totally cried. We were in front of his dorm. We said goodbye.
[00:23:33] We gave him hugs, and then we stood there while he walked into his dorm. That's what we did. And yeah, I thought that was good advice. They don't need all the things they think they need for their dorms either, especially you parents of girls, like rein it in. It does not need to be totally crazy, matchy-matchy, uber expensive dorm decor.
[00:23:57] Okay? That's not necessary, and a lot of what they get for their dorm, they end up tossing. They don't end up carrying on in life with their dorm decor. So do yourself a favor, get a budget. Let your kids know, "Here's what we've got for dorm stuff. Here's what I'm willing to spend. Oh, you got a summer job?
[00:24:18] Well, you're welcome to contribute to the dorm budget, but this is what I'm willing to spend." And then follow through. Stay with that. Stick with that. Do what you say you're gonna do. You know, one of the things that, I think I've talked about this on the podcast, but I said to Ian, I said, "What is the best way to communicate with you?
[00:24:37] I wanna make sure that when I reach out, you respond. So what should I do?" And he said, "Mom, you should get on Snapchat, 'cause that's, those are the notifications that I get. That's where I do most of my communicating." So guess what? I am on Snapchat. Do not try to friend me, 'cause I will not friend you, but I am friends with my son, and he does exactly what he said he would do.
[00:25:00] When I s- send him a Snapchat, well, sometimes I'll send him a text, 'cause I'm old, and I text, and then I'll send him a Snapchat, and I'll say, "Look at your text." And, you know, lo and behold, he's pretty quick. So I think you get to have a conversation with your college kid about communication. What's that gonna look like?
[00:25:20] What are you expecting? How can they let you know that they've seen, you know, like what's appropriate response? How much do they wanna be in communication with you? How often do you wanna actually, like, hear a voice or maybe a FaceTime versus texting back and forth? I mean, hopefully by this time you've established things like, "Hey, when you see my text, you know, give me a thumbs up, give me a heart, give me a response so I know that you've seen it."
[00:25:46] Right? Also, equally important question is, you know, I am always gonna be responsive to you, and if I'm not, it's because I'm in a meeting, I'm on a call, I can't get to my phone, so know that as soon as I see your text, I'm gonna respond, right? It always hurts me to hear from parents who are like, "Oh my gosh, look at this," and it's just, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.
[00:26:07] Text, text, text, text, text, text." They don't need to do that, and you can set a boundary. Right? You can let them know that they don't need to do that, and be light about it. You get to be buoyant. You get to be light. You get to be playful, and know that they're gonna be busy, or maybe not. Maybe you'll have a kiddo who has a rough first few weeks, and they might be lonely.
[00:26:28] They might be homesick. Even more important for you to be able to manage your internal situation so that you can be encouraging, you can be validating, you can be curious And you can be firm around, "You've got this. I love you. I'll see you parents' weekend." Right? There's nothing to fix. Sometimes there is, but usually there's not.
[00:26:57] And if there's anything to fix, it's usually your kiddo's to fix, not yours. So yes to gathering information, yes to being curious about, well, what are the resources on campus? Who could you talk about, talk to this about? And then, where would you find their phone number? How could you get in touch for office hours?
[00:27:16] And then are you... Do you know what you wanna say? Do you want some help planning it out? Do you wanna role play? Right? All of that is useful. It's all supportive, it's all encouraging, and it's not enabling or taking over and f- or fixing it for them. So that was my off-the-cuff advice for all of you who are in the summer before college, or before launch into whatever it is that your kiddo's doing.
[00:27:48] You still need to have routines. Everybody gets to contribute, 'cause we all live together and that's what we do. You get to hold the both/and mindset of I'm super stoked for you and really sad for me. You get to give them lots and lots of space for practicing, practicing, practicing, being inside of that freedom and inside of that choice so that it's not their first time when they get to college.
[00:28:12] Make sure when you say goodbye at move-in, that they're walking away from you, you're not walking away from them. And have that conversation around communication. Have that conversation around communication. I hope that that was helpful. I hope that was helpful. And again, it is bittersweet. That is the perfect word for this time of parenting.
[00:28:35] Uh, I am here to say from the other side, or a little bit further along, it's good times. It's really, really fun to be with my young adult kids. I'm having a great time watching them grow and develop and be in relationship with themselves, with each other. In the wild, they're doing really well. They're making good decisions.
[00:28:58] They're making some decisions that aren't so great and learning from them, and that's what this time is all about. It's not about perfection. It's not about no challenges. It's all about who are they as they move through and navigate this time of their life, and who are you for them? So there you go. I also wanna say before I sign off, thank you to everyone who reached out to me about last week's podcast around fawning and moving through crisis.
[00:29:26] I know I'm dropping a lot of breadcrumbs, and I'm not giving a lot of details, but we're just fine over here. We're just, you know, moving through life and all the twists and turns that come with midlife and long-term relationship and Yeah. We're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay. We're gonna keep learning about ourselves, keep learning about each other, and keep working on being ever better versions of ourselves.
[00:29:52] All right? Let's take a deep breath. Breathe into the body. Letting it out. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. I know you're gonna have a great day. Talk to you soon. Bye.
[00:30:12] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes, as well as Chris Mann and the team at Podshaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring.
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[00:30:49] I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time