Eps 644: Teen Triggers & Healing with Layne Burkette

“To me, (Joyful Courage) means really staying present and connected and finding the joy within these little moments, not only for yourself as a human being, just navigating through this world, but as a parent you get to enjoy this process. You get to be joyful and you get to stay present. And I know that that’s hard some days, and I acknowledge that I have four kids. I really feel that and I’m there in it with you. And you are a beautiful, courageous person, being able to be present and to continue showing up for yourself and your family.” – Layne Burkette

Resources Mentioned

• Layne Burkette’s website: https://lifebalancebeyou.com/
• Layne’s Instagram: @lifebalancebeyou
• Calm Within — Layne’s free 5-day somatic practice ebook with video breathwork guides
• Family Connection Bundle — Layne’s resource for bringing nervous system practices in with kids
• Nervous System Regulation Program — Layne’s full coaching program with videos
• Insight Timer app — mentioned by Casey for guided nervous system regulation meditations
• Dan Siegel’s “Flipped Lid” / Window of Tolerance — referenced concept
• Brainspotting — therapeutic modality referenced by Layne (WAIT acronym: Why Am I Talking?)

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:23] Okay, listeners, welcome back to the
[00:01:26] podcast. I'm so excited. Today I am sharing an interview with my new friend, Lainey Burquette, and we are gonna talk all about the physical experience of raising teenagers. So you know that this is the kind of conversation that I love. It's my jam, and we're gonna do all sorts of exploring for you as you listen, so that you can really learn to better see yourself in the experiences that you're having, how you're influencing your interactions with your teenager.
[00:02:02] And of course, as always, my hope is that you just grow an awareness and walk away with some practical tools. So let me tell you about my guest. Delaney is a counselor. A somatic educator, uh, yoga, psychology, and meditation. Teacher, author, and mother of four who is deeply passionate about supporting parents, teens, and families.
[00:02:24] She helps overwhelmed parents regulate their nervous system so they can respond with calm. Clarity and connection, especially during the tender and often intense tween and teen years. We all know a lot about that here on the podcast. Through her simple breath movement, heal framework, Laney teaches practical in the moment tools that help parents shift from reactive to relational, strengthening, trust, resilience, and deeper connections.
[00:02:52] I'm so excited to have you here. Welcome to the podcast, Laney.
[00:02:56] Layne Burkette: Yay. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.
[00:02:59] Casey O'Roarty: Yes, we are super excited to have you. So you describe parenting teens as a physiological experience, not just a psychological one. And I think that's gonna be. A beautiful reframe for lots of the parents that are listening.
[00:03:14] Can you walk us into that idea about what's happening in our bodies when we're in the thick of a hard moment with our teens?
[00:03:23] Layne Burkette: Yeah, absolutely. So when I say that parenting teens is physiological, what I mean is that I feel our nervous system is this hidden engine underneath our parenting. So in our hard moments, our body.
[00:03:37] Reacts before our brain does. Yes. So what I mean by that is say your teenager does a tone. We all know the tone or they withdraw, they pull back. Or maybe you catch an eye roll and all of a sudden our body's going to respond. So our chest might tighten. Maybe our breath. We hold our breath. Maybe we clench our fists, maybe our jaw crues.
[00:03:58] You know, we feel this like constriction possibly. Maybe we push our feet into the ground. You know, something organically happens in our body that's biology, and then our brain says, oh, I didn't like that. Or something comes up for us. And so what happens is our body is perceiving. Stress. So the amygdala, which is your brain's alarm system, says, oh, I'm gonna activate, and my prefrontal cortex, the part that like is responsible for reasoning and actually like talking through this and being emotionally regulated, it just becomes less accessible because all of a sudden I feel like there's a threat.
[00:04:32] There's an eye roll. Oh, he pulled back. You know? Oh, his tone is so intense. So it's not in those moments that we don't actually know what to do. It's that our nervous system shifts into a protection mode and our biology, our bodies respond. So that's what happens in the moment. And when we become aware of it, all of a sudden those moments are like.
[00:04:52] Oh, I'm noticing this happening. Mm-hmm. So we have all the best intentions of being like prepared to say the right thing. We know all the language, you know, and sometimes that's why it's hard 'cause our biology is responding, doing exactly what it's supposed to do.
[00:05:06] Casey O'Roarty: Well, yeah, I mean, I am thinking about, so my kids are out of the house now, so I am using all of the tools that I talk about for parenting teenagers in my relationship with my partner.
[00:05:18] And it's the same kind of activation, you know, and I really resonate with, and I think listeners, you do too, with that moment in the morning where it's like, okay, today I'm gonna respond differently. Today I'm gonna stay grounded. And then. Sure enough, enough of the day goes by and we move farther and farther away from that declaration, and we find ourselves in that, as Dan Eagle calls it, that flipped lid moment, right?
[00:05:45] That fight or flight that, for me it's really a ca, it's like I go, you know how boxers like have their fists up and their shoulders in, so I don't put my fists up, but it is this energetic like. Like coming in, and maybe it's about protection. Maybe there's something around protecting my heart because it's typically those.
[00:06:08] Moments where my sense of security, not that I'm gonna get like beat up or anything like that, but my sense of emotional security is rattled. That's what really, that's what I'm noticing in these moments, you know, currently that really is the activation. And so if the nervous system is running the show in these moments, what does that mean?
[00:06:32] You know? 'cause. In my work, we talk about using curiosity and validating other people's experiences and practicing encouragement. So what happens to the parenting strategies? When our nervous system comes online, where does knowledge and intention fall short?
[00:06:53] Layne Burkette: I love parenting strategies. They're so valuable.
[00:06:55] And I know you talk a lot about positive discipline. Mm-hmm. And the connection based parenting absolutely beautiful. And I love them. Knowledge is really accessible. Inside regulation.
[00:07:06] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:07:06] Layne Burkette: And so what I mean by that is when the nervous system is in that stress response. So you talked about Dan Siegel and this window of tolerance.
[00:07:13] So I love, I love that example when working with parents, because we have this beautiful window of tolerance where we can think clearly, we can stay socially engaged, you know, we can regulate our emotions. We speak the way we want to, we're clear about our intentions, and then. When we're, we can listen, you know, we can connect really well within that window, but when we're outside of that, when we're in hyper arousal, that fight or flight, or we're in hypo arousal, that freeze or that font experience, that's the lecturing, the control, um, withdrawal, the shutdown.
[00:07:42] And so we're doing that. Our teens are doing that. So it's happening simultaneously. So all of those parenting strategies work beautifully when we're regulated. Mm-hmm. But outside of that regulation, when we're outside of that window of tolerance, again, that prefrontal cortex where we're reasoning, it just becomes less accessible.
[00:08:00] And so instead our survival center takes over. Like you're talking about these deeper patterns of protection that you've developed over time. They are serving a purpose for you. You are an absolute genius for having these. They're protecting you in that moment though. It's, it's not, it's, it's keeping you from actually connecting and accessing that.
[00:08:21] But when you learn how, when you learn how to get back into that window and you learn and you practice some of these skills and you're aware of them, there's that beautiful sweet spot that you can find. So,
[00:08:30] Casey O'Roarty: yeah.
[00:08:31] Layne Burkette: Yeah,
[00:08:31] Casey O'Roarty: I love that. And you know, when I think about connection based parenting, just as I was listening to you talk, like we assume that that means that we're working on our connection with our teenagers.
[00:08:45] Yeah. We are really, we're working on connecting with ourselves.
[00:08:50] Layne Burkette: Yes.
[00:08:50] Casey O'Roarty: Right? Yep. I can see And appreciate how it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I know I need to connect with myself. I need to, but it's big. It's huge. It's massive. And this is where, you know, this is where I wanna go deeper with you.
[00:09:06] 'cause I think this is a place where parents don't spend a lot of time. I know I didn't. I have a story of when. My daughter was a freshman in high school, and that's when things got really hard. And I can vividly remember this one particular morning where she was like, I don't wanna live here. I don't wanna be a part of this family.
[00:09:29] And I was like, the, the physical response that I had didn't really match. What she was saying, like it seemed so extreme how that made me feel. And I realized that when I was her age, I said to my mom, I don't wanna live here. I wanna go live with my dad. And I did. And she and I never really processed that time of our relationship and.
[00:10:02] In that moment with Rowan, afterwards, as I was thinking about it and experiencing my experience, I realized like, God, I never have spent any time thinking about how it felt for my mom when I moved out. I mean, it's somewhat, but it was such an experiential opportunity. And so what I'm, the reason I'm sharing about this is I know that you talk about how our own.
[00:10:27] Child experiences, like our own childhood experiences, our own teenage experiences can get activated in our present day parenting. Can you, I mean, I used that story as an example. Can you go deeper into what that means and
[00:10:42] Layne Burkette: Yes.
[00:10:43] Casey O'Roarty: Like what's happening there?
[00:10:45] Layne Burkette: I love that story because that is real and you are able to really eloquently, you know, let us know this is, this is how this happens.
[00:10:54] And I think you're aware of that and you're able to identify how that occurred for you. And it's a beautiful example because. Or what happens, and to touch back on the previous question and bring it in. We can't think our way out of that activation, right? So all these strategies work, they're great, but that regulation, it gives you access to these strategies.
[00:11:14] And so then as a result, we can go deeper within it and. Your example here, it's, it's beautiful because parenting teens, it actually, it activates us and it activates a lot within us, physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and often our strongest reactions are not even about what's happening in the moment with our teen.
[00:11:32] It's about old stuff, old narratives that are coming up from our past, and that's what happened to you. So that's where the compassion comes in and the awareness and the ability to recognize. Oh, this is old. Mm-hmm. And I, bringing that in is so valuable and saying not only to our teen, I love to say this phrase, I'm here with you even when this feels hard.
[00:11:54] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:11:55] Layne Burkette: Saying that to your teen and then saying that to yourself.
[00:11:58] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:11:58] Layne Burkette: I'm here with you. Like, really feeling into it because our nervous source system stores this emotional memory. Um, so we store trauma inside of our bodies. We can't talk our way out of it. So you can tell that story and you can, you know, tell about it.
[00:12:12] You can talk to your mom about it. It's still inside of you. Mm-hmm. So it's not just like the thoughts, but our nervous system stores sensations, it stores tones, urgency, shame, invisibility. Mm-hmm. So when our teens that are like pushing for that independence or they say, you don't get it, you don't understand.
[00:12:30] They're withdrawing emotionally. They're rolling their eyes, they're slamming doors. Your body might respond to what happened to you when you were 15. Mm-hmm. Maybe you weren't listened to, like for you, that's what you described. Yeah. Maybe you were shamed, maybe you felt unsafe, or maybe you felt too much or you were, if you felt not enough and.
[00:12:50] That's the strongest reactions. It's not even in the moment usually about what's actually happening within, within that interaction with your daughter. It was what stirs from the past. Yeah. And that's not weakness, that's, that's like your stored nervous system experience.
[00:13:05] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Well, the beautiful thing, and this is something I've talked about with my daughter many times.
[00:13:10] There are all sorts of moments in the 23 years that I've been her mom where she and I. Move through an experience that heals. Mm-hmm. My relationship with my mom, and that was one of them. That was one of them because I did, I got outta the house and I moved my body and I calmed down, and then I called my mom and I told her about my experience and it was an opening for her to be really vulnerable with me and it just.
[00:13:37] We had a conversation that I just had given up thinking that we were ever gonna have, and it was so healing. And even now as my daughter's 23, and you know, she's, I think I've mentioned this before, listeners, so bear with me, but she's gone through some therapy outside of like her critical crisis, teenage therapy, and looking at her childhood and giving me feedback.
[00:14:02] And, you know, not super exciting feedback, you know, but feedback and even that is mending something for me because I, there wasn't, there isn't space for that between me and my parents. But my daughter and I have created something different where my ability to be with her feedback and her, you know, the gift for her of being able to share it is, you know.
[00:14:27] It's so special. It's so special.
[00:14:30] Layne Burkette: That's reparenting. Like what you're doing is you're reparenting little Casey inside of you. You're reparenting her through that experience with your daughter. Yeah. And then as a result, there's healing that's happening for you inside your nervous system. So that wound was old, you know, from your teenage years, and it was kind of just like laying there dormant.
[00:14:48] It was still there. And it would flare up once in a while. Yeah. And you'd probably feel senses of it, but you weren't exactly sure what was going on. And then now that brought it to the surface and you're like, ah. Okay. And then because you have a healthy attachment with her and you were able to talk through it and then process through it with your body and your nervous system, then you're feeling that healing.
[00:15:05] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:15:05] Layne Burkette: So I have something simple we could do.
[00:15:07] Casey O'Roarty: Sure.
[00:15:08] Layne Burkette: I use, I like my framework, like you mentioned, is this, breathe, move, heal. So I always incorporate super simple somatic resets that include some sort of breath, some sort of gentle movement, and then some sort of healing affirmation. So for this one, when like an old wound gets activated, just put your feet flat against the ground.
[00:15:24] Okay. And sit up straight. Good. And we're gonna take an inhale, and I want you to breathe in actually for two. So, breathe in. Breathe in. Long exhale. Good. And again, breathe in. Breathe in. Long, slow. Exhale. Good. Now lift up your shoulders towards your ears, and then exhale. Drop 'em real heavy. And I do that again.
[00:15:52] Inhale, lift your shoulders up. Drop 'em heavy. Good. Now bring your hand to your heart and take a nice deep breath in and say to yourself, this is old. Exhale. Breathe in again. Say, I am here. Now exhale, and just repeat that again to yourself. This is old. I am here now. Breathe that in, that safety, that connection to you, that acknowledgement that this is an old wound and you are here in this moment.
[00:16:35] Exhale, just soften your shoulders, soften your face good, and then just release the hand and slowly open the eyes. How'd that feel?
[00:16:48] Casey O'Roarty: I felt fantastic. Yeah. And yeah, as you were guiding me through that, I was thinking about just feeling a lot of gratitude for my understanding of how useful that is.
[00:17:06] Layne Burkette: Yeah.
[00:17:06] Casey O'Roarty: Because I think there, you know, I know you're, you and I were talking about marketing and stuff before I hit record, like. We're working so hard and so creatively to get in front of people and to help them with these kinds of practices. It's amazing to me how many people on the planet are living in this surface state of right.
[00:17:28] You know, react, react, react, like just one thing after the other, and without recognizing the depth of experiencing life that can come with. You know, nervous system intelligence and practicing mindfulness. And, and yes, we have like detailed challenges, whether it's, you know, school refusal, substance use, sneaking out, like list.
[00:17:55] The list goes on and on when we make those challenges lists.
[00:17:58] Layne Burkette: Yeah.
[00:17:58] Casey O'Roarty: And how profound. It is to be with them from a state of a regulated nervous system. It's just, it changes our whole experience of those lists of challenges.
[00:18:14] Layne Burkette: Yes. And it's so much more rewarding and fulfilling.
[00:18:17] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:18:18] Layne Burkette: Like when you just are speaking, it's like you are speaking to those moments where I'm in flow, I'm in flow with my kids, and I'm looking at them with this beautiful awe, and I'm like, this is the most beautiful human in the world right now that I'm looking at.
[00:18:29] And it's my kid and I'm just. Hello. I'm in complete presence in that moment. I'm connected. I'm fully online. I'm just there in the moment. I'm not thinking about the 10 things I have to do, or old wounds from the past are being activated. I'm just right here enjoying it.
[00:18:44] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:18:45] Layne Burkette: And I think that's what you're speaking to, is really being in the present, having this awareness to know, okay, I'm getting pulled back into an old activation or an old wound, or I'm getting pulled into the future because I'm worried about something.
[00:18:57] We get pulled into that as well. Which is again, our nervous system is protecting us. So we're outside of that regulation, inside of that regulation. It is so rewarding and beautiful and fulfilling to be a parent.
[00:19:10] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, for sure.
[00:19:11] Layne Burkette: Speak to that. Yeah.
[00:19:12] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. I'm cracking up 'cause I'm like, oh look, it's the same topic, different guest, different angle, but you know, it is, you're doing it.
[00:19:20] It's like how many different ways can I. Contain this learning, this teaching, this lesson so that it lands.
[00:19:38] I wanna make it really concrete. So what are some of the most common ways that you see, I shared my, one of my stories. I have many. But what are some of the things that you've seen in your practice of working with people where a parent's unprocessed, teen experience is showing up? Like what are the signs, you know, how do they know that it's a moment to do your breath movement, heal process, and recognize, okay, this is old.
[00:20:06] How do they know when their inner 15-year-old self has grabbed the wheel and has taken charge?
[00:20:12] Layne Burkette: Yes. And I love that analogy by the way, because literally my, some of my hardest parenting moments are driving with my kids, especially teenagers. 'cause they get in the car and this is like this safe container for them to just like say these things that you're never prepared to hear.
[00:20:26] Right,
[00:20:26] Casey O'Roarty: right, right. Or they completely ignore you and everything's happening just in your mind. Yeah.
[00:20:31] Layne Burkette: Right. But then that happens too. Then you have a response to that. Mm-hmm. A hundred percent. So I love that analogy, but, um. What I see with parents a lot and I experience myself is overexplaining. As parents, we just start overexplaining.
[00:20:44] We're talking like, when you find yourself talking, oh gosh, so much. You're like, wait a second. In, in Brainspotting, actually they teach us, wait, WAIT, why am I talking? And I love it because I'm like, I've been asking myself that, not only when I'm doing brain spotting, but when I'm parenting. Why am I talking right now?
[00:21:03] You know that over-explaining. Um, the other thing you notice is like clamping down on control. You know, when you really feel yourself like that, dig into that power struggle and like, well, I'm not gonna let that happen. Why'd they say that to me? Or, well, they're not gonna do that. When you're clamping down on the control, that's a notice.
[00:21:20] Like, oh, pause, wait a second. What's that about? Because it's most likely old stuff. It's not about you and the relationship right then 'cause your kid isn't trying to do that. The other thing, that feeling of panic about their choices. You know when your kid says something and you're like. You know, like, okay.
[00:21:37] Mm-hmm. They told me about upgrade or they told me about, um, something that, a choice that they made. And all of a sudden it's like, I am feeling something. I'm feeling anxiety, I'm feeling panic about it. That's a cue. 'cause again, that's tapping into something from you. Yeah. Something old from you taking withdrawal personally.
[00:21:53] So when they get in the car and you're like. Aren't they talking to me? Well, what did I do? You know, you start to get a little bit more of that, like, well, I'm personally taking this. They probably had a really busy day. They're overstimulated. Who knows what happened in those eight hours that they've been away from you?
[00:22:07] The other piece is feeling like sharp or cold, or like reactive. You know when you feel into that and your teen says something with you and you automatically feel like sharp about it or brass, there's something there, you know, and again. Old stuff. The other piece is after the interaction, feeling shame after the interaction.
[00:22:25] Like thinking, why did I just say that? Why did I say it that way? You know, those regrets. And then feeling like, well now I can't repair it. That's old stuff because we all know we can repair. Anything at any point when we make that effort, and it is completely worth it. So what I love to tell people is to slow down in those moments with all those examples that I just listed, notice what's happening in your body.
[00:22:50] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:22:50] Layne Burkette: That's the awareness piece, because when I slow down and I notice, oh geez, my chest just got really tight. I just really clenched my fists. Oh gosh, I'm holding my breath. Oh, I can't even think straight right now. I'm already thinking 10 steps ahead of what they're saying. Trying to figure out.
[00:23:05] What's going on with their choices? Oh, I'm really holding onto control. I'm feeling something. You know, like that's my body responding, like we talked about in the beginning, before my brain's even thinking, or my behaviors, or my emotions are present, my body is sensing into that. Some people get like a flush of warmth.
[00:23:22] Mm-hmm. Some people get a flush of cold. Everyone's different and the situation's different, but pay attention to that. What is my body doing sometimes, you know, when they share something with you, do you feel like nauseous? Do you feel like your belly is like clamping, you know, and tightening and tents all over?
[00:23:37] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:23:38] Layne Burkette: Rolling.
[00:23:39] Casey O'Roarty: I'm laughing at that one because. I had two kids, one of which they both were pretty open with me. One of them, one is super open with me and I always laugh when I talk to parents about like, yeah, I hear you. You want an open, honest relationship with your teenager. Are you actually prepared for that?
[00:23:59] Layne Burkette: Right? '
[00:23:59] Casey O'Roarty: cause an open, honest relationship does not equal. Then they won't get into any mischief.
[00:24:07] Layne Burkette: Right.
[00:24:07] Casey O'Roarty: What it does equal is you get to hear about the mischief. Right, right. Which is great, and you get to help process. I mean, there's benefits to that, but. I've had plenty of things shared with me where, yeah, I could have opened, usually it's in the car, you know, I could have barfed right out the window hearing what I was hearing.
[00:24:25] Like what? And having to say, I've said this before on the podcast to my kids when I have, you know, I'm pretty good at staying regulated, you know, but I will say something like one particular time where I said, please don't let my. Calm, grounded demeanor, send you the message that I am okay with what you're telling me because this is scary.
[00:24:49] This is, this was a mistake. You know, this is know. Yes, this is gnarly. And he, you know, he was like, I know. Um, yeah. So that's huge. Yeah.
[00:24:59] Layne Burkette: Yeah.
[00:25:00] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. But, and I mean, do you feel like. Is every time we become activated. I mean, not that I feel like when we become activated, it is useful and worth it to be curious about.
[00:25:13] Huh? Where did that come from? Does it always come from like an old wound or.
[00:25:18] Layne Burkette: No, it might just be you're activated in the moment thinking like, oh geez, this is, this is intense information that you're telling me and I'm uncertain how to handle it.
[00:25:25] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, yeah,
[00:25:25] Layne Burkette: yeah,
[00:25:26] Casey O'Roarty: yeah, yeah.
[00:25:26] Layne Burkette: Sometimes I think it's just keying into noticing this is affecting me, right?
[00:25:30] This is activating me, and so yes, sometimes it might be tied to when I was 15 and this happened to me, or you know, when I was five. We can definitely trace that back in the moment though. Realistically speaking, when your team gets in the car and shares something to you, shares a hard something with you, it's like.
[00:25:47] You are gonna have a, a response to that. And when I just advocate for people to slow down and notice what's happening in their body. 'cause that's your first cue of, okay, I'm activated. I'm a little bit outside of my window of tolerance and I just wanna pull myself back in. I wanna notice what's happening for me so that I respond in a regulated fashion, which we can talk about co-regulation a little bit too, but that's what, that's our goal.
[00:26:11] We want to stay like neutral and calm and regulated. So that they feel that and they continue talking to us, they continue that connection. 'cause as soon as we react and we say, okay, we're activated. What's going on? You know, like I'm trying to fix, I'm trying to problem solve for them. It might activate something from my past.
[00:26:28] Nonetheless, I'm in the moment. I'm not being as connected and calm as I would like to be. And it's not aligned with who my values. I think touching in on, you know, what are your values as a parent and how do you want to really authentically be parenting? Yeah. And. That's where this stuff comes up. And I think that that's the motivation behind it is do I wanna be reacting?
[00:26:50] Do I wanna react from old wounds? Do I wanna react in the moment to this information in a way that. Doesn't feel good. Doesn't feel good to them or me. No. Yeah. I, I wanna respond with clarity neutrality when appropriate. I want to be calm, I wanna be connected, and I want them to know I am their safe place and that they can continue to talk to me.
[00:27:10] And I'm here and I can weather the storm with them. I have this beautiful, safe container and I'm here for you. Yeah. And I can be here with you, sit beside you on this bench while it's yucky.
[00:27:21] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like that's been such a theme the last few months here in my life, as well as in a lot of the podcasts.
[00:27:32] It's something that I'm working with my membership people and clients on. Is really being in that question of what do I wanna create? Mm-hmm. Right. What are the qualities that I want to activate?
[00:27:45] Layne Burkette: Yes.
[00:27:46] Casey O'Roarty: Right. And the only way we can be in that question is, you know, and the best time to be asking that question is when things are hard, when we need to shift.
[00:27:56] Layne Burkette: Yeah,
[00:27:56] Casey O'Roarty: but we can't get there without first regulating our nervous system and our experience so that we can create a space. Years ago I wrote a book and the story of the book was about the emotional freight train. Mm-hmm. And it was, you know, metaphor for nervous system regulation. But yeah, sometimes I would talk about how sometimes.
[00:28:20] We can feel the train pulling into the station and it's like, um, this is starting to piss me off. Right? Yeah. Like, we can feel it coming. Yeah. Other times it's more of like, oh man, I am on the train.
[00:28:33] Layne Burkette: Yeah.
[00:28:33] Casey O'Roarty: Right. I am hanging on for dear life and we're heading into, you know, crazy town. We're heading into that space where things are said or done that have to be cleaned up later.
[00:28:46] But once we realize where we're at, then we've got a choice point. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, and a lot, I'm sure you've had clients too who are like, oh no, I, it's, I'm so quick to react, and there's no room, there's no space, there's no pause. What are some tools that you have for recognizing where you're at when you're there and then.
[00:29:06] Creating just, and over time, people, you get better at it when you practice, right? Yes. But CRE starting to create a little bit of space so we can at least have room to make a choice.
[00:29:18] Layne Burkette: Yes. Yes. That's exactly it. Practicing outside of the dysregulation, outside of the activation is key. So that's why like as as listeners are hearing this, pause with us.
[00:29:30] Do it with us. Put yourself in this situation of being activated or. Hearing this information from your team that you're like, Ugh, I'm feeling this intense reaction. What do I do? Because when you practice inside of that regulated state, it's just gonna come so much more naturally for you. I regularly do it in the car.
[00:29:47] Like I said, when they get in and they share something, and I'm like, okay. You know, I take a deep breath, I push my feet into the ground. I might like gently squeeze the steering wheel and then relax my shoulders and just say something to myself while still listening, being present with them. I'm doing it as, and then they're feeling my regulated state.
[00:30:03] 'cause the other piece we briefly touched on is they feel our energy. They know when we're activated. They know, like you said, the the emotional freight train. They know when it's coming, just like we know when it's coming. Yeah. And, and even if we don't know, necessarily know it's coming, they're bracing.
[00:30:17] Think about them, they're like bracing for your reaction sometimes. And I
[00:30:20] Casey O'Roarty: mean, they've watched our train pull into the station since birth, so it's not like a new thing for them. They probably are more familiar with it than we are.
[00:30:29] Layne Burkette: Yes.
[00:30:30] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah,
[00:30:30] Layne Burkette: they know it.
[00:30:31] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:30:31] Layne Burkette: So that's key too, to realize like, okay, my energy is already out there, so can I be regulated?
[00:30:36] Can I know how I can regulate myself and really get back into that window of tolerance so that I can just parent the way I want to, and they feel that they're gonna continue to talk to you. The more regulated you are. So let's try one, like, say, say something like, your teen, you know, does, gets into the car and shares something big.
[00:30:53] So, and you feel that urge to like, I have to respond or I have to fix this. Just feel your feet on the ground and take a nice deep inhale and then give an audible sigh. Like a good, do that again. Deep breath. Audible si. Ah. Ah, good. And then just gently relax the shoulders down. And then we're just gonna push our feet down into the ground beneath us.
[00:31:20] So feel the earth beneath you. And then let's try this. Slowly. Lift up your heels and then drop 'em down with your exhale. Ha. And do that again. Inhale. Just gently lift up your heels and then exhale, drop them down. Just feel that thud. This is a reminder. You're here. Glad your hand to your heart. And take a nice deep breath and say, I'm safe.
[00:31:46] I can listen without fixing.
[00:31:53] I am safe. I can listen without fixing one more breath and out. Good. Just kinda notice how that feels inside of you. Good. Yeah. And then open your eyes. Yeah. Another one I wanna do one more like just relate. Okay. You talked about, you talked about like this, I get to choose. You met, you touched in on that.
[00:32:20] And that's one that I love. I love empowering parents in that moment when something hard is happening, when they know like, okay, I'm activated, whether it's an old wound or not, I'm activated. This is happening for me in that moment. Sometimes we feel like. I don't have a choice of how to respond. I need to do blank because this is the way we've set up either consequences or, you know, privileges lost or whatever it may be.
[00:32:42] I almost, it feels, parents sometimes feel this, like I have to respond a certain way. Right.
[00:32:46] Casey O'Roarty: And.
[00:32:46] Layne Burkette: The reality of it is parenting is not like that. We get to pivot, we get to repair, we get to apologize, we get to choose whatever it means. We want to in line with our values, if we so choose, we can back off something.
[00:33:00] We can add something like whatever that means to you. So I just wanna like increase that a little bit in those moments where you feel like the power is off of you and you feel like almost trapped, like as a parent almost this uncertainty of, I don't know how to respond, but I know I have to do something.
[00:33:14] So. Now let's do the same thing. Just find that nice, see it. And we're just going to inhale for a count of 1, 2, 3, 4. Exhale, 2, 3, 4. Inhale, 2, 3, 4. Exhale, 6, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. In 2, 3, 4 out. 6, 2, 3, 4. Five, six, and then gently bring your hand to your heart and just gently tap, tap right upon the heart center. Take a nice deep breath in and out.
[00:33:59] And as you tap, simply say, I choose how this goes. Breathe that in. I choose how this goes.
[00:34:15] Just feel that connection within yourself that you get to choose. You get to choose this parenting moment.
[00:34:25] One more breath and big sigh, and then pause the tappings, rest your hand upon your heart, and just feel gratitude for you getting to choose in this moment how you show up as a parent. And then slowly release your hand and open your eyes. How'd that feel?
[00:34:47] Casey O'Roarty: That felt dreamy. That felt great. Yeah.
[00:34:59] And you know, I appreciate those of you out there that might be thinking, I don't have time for that in the moment. And I'm here to say, first of all, you do second of all, practice outside of the moment. Laney mentioned that beforehand, practice outside of the moment when stakes are low. And the gift of this as well is I.
[00:35:24] We're showing our kids what self-regulation looks like and even if they're rolling their eyes at us and it's like, oh, here she is again, breathing. Like, who cares? Yeah, I remember, you know, my kids, it always would start with, I have to tell you something. So that was kind of like the, became kind of like the code.
[00:35:43] And that's exactly what what I would do was, okay, feel where are my feet? I'm gonna feel my feet, like I would shift the state of my body. And take a breath. And then I'd say, all right, what is it? You know? And it served me really well to hear, you know, 'cause my kids were not angels and they did all sorts of mischief making.
[00:36:06] The other thing that I really appreciate is just how simple these practices are, right? Yeah. Breath movement. Healing I'm experiencing. So there's, you know, starting by and it's like, 'cause it's, there's, you know, 10 tips for calming down and one of them is take 10 deep breaths or do this or do that. But what I'm experiencing with what you're sharing with us is intention.
[00:36:33] Layne Burkette: Mm-hmm.
[00:36:33] Casey O'Roarty: Right? Because I can freak out and go into my room and take 10 deep breaths and still feel very irritated or annoyed or angry. But when I go into my room or find my space to take 10 deep breaths with the intention of con, of letting my nervous system know that I'm safe and that I can handle this, that I can be with this, that I'm in the present moment, those are 10 deep breaths that are going to shift my experience so that I can then think to myself.
[00:37:08] And what do I wanna create and what does that feel like and what does that sound like? And I think like there's, there's time you guys, we have time to do this because where we're spending the time now is after the fact when we're trying to repair, when we're backpedaling, when, you know, when we're in our shame spiral.
[00:37:30] Like we're taking the time on one end or the other anyway.
[00:37:34] Layne Burkette: Yes,
[00:37:34] Casey O'Roarty: might as well help yourself. And you know, Laney, there's the other thing, which is willingness, right? Yeah. Yeah. Because I know for me, one of the places where I get tripped up in my practice in the moment when I'm activated is if I calm down and I lean into what I wanna create, they're off the hook, right?
[00:37:57] So there's this conversation that can show up like, oh no, they need to, they need to feel the pain. And the discomfort of whatever it is. And if I take care of myself, then they just get to carry on. Right. What is that?
[00:38:16] Layne Burkette: Yes. Well I like that. I like that you're saying that. And, um, I think that there's like this, that's, to me, that's old stuff of like, okay, there needs to be some sort of lesson and that feels, that feels like old to me, this old energy of like, well, it makes
[00:38:29] Casey O'Roarty: sense 'cause I was the queen of being grounded as a teenager.
[00:38:31] So it does make sense.
[00:38:33] Layne Burkette: You needed to learn your lesson. And that's, honestly, that was how parents, it was like we, we were grounded, we were given timeouts. You know, it's just this like a little bit more of a punitive. Approach. And again, to each their own, everyone chooses what is most aligned with them. But what I'm hearing people
[00:38:46] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:38:47] But, uh, yeah, but, okay, well, you, you're really nice. I'm gonna say punitive approaches are gonna result in the outcomes that you don't want people. Okay? Yes. Which, you know, 'cause you listen to the podcast, but anyway.
[00:38:57] Layne Burkette: Yes.
[00:38:57] Casey O'Roarty: But you're very kind. Everybody's welcome here.
[00:39:00] Layne Burkette: Yes. However, I hear what you're saying is that that's old energy of like, okay, you needed to learn your lesson, you needed to do this, and then you need to respond this way.
[00:39:08] It's that approach of like, what I say goes, you know, because I said so. It's just kind of that old energy that isn't aligned with you and your value, so that's why it feels like ick. That's another thing that as parents like. Okay. It's ick. Like that feeling of like, this doesn't feel right to me. That tells you this is something that just doesn't feel right to me in this moment.
[00:39:29] And I get to choose.
[00:39:30] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:39:30] Layne Burkette: I get to choose what feels better to me in the moment just because so and so used to do it or over here this family's doing. It doesn't make it aligned with what I wanna do.
[00:39:39] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, it's interesting. It is interesting though, 'cause there's definitely days. Where the shift out of it is easier than others.
[00:39:49] Yeah. And other days it's just like, you know what? I know this isn't useful. And screw this guy. Yeah.
[00:39:56] Layne Burkette: Yeah. Well, and some days you feel like that's you digging your heels in a little bit. Yeah. And feeling like, oh, I don't wanna, you know, that's that power struggle energy too. Yeah. Which. A lot of our parents engaged in with us.
[00:40:06] Yeah. And knowing or knowingly. Yeah. You know, they didn't know how to resolve those or how to repair afterwards. Yeah. Here we've learned, and I know your listeners have learned, repair is so valuable. Yeah. This is why we repair, and I wanna touch back on two things that you said. One thing was the intention piece.
[00:40:22] All of those little statements that we're saying with our hand on our heart, that's your intention. I get to choose. I am, I can heal, I can be here in this moment. Mm-hmm. I'm worthy. Like you're giving yourself these healing affirmations in that moment. And what it's doing is it's empowering you all parts of you, to come online and to really connect with your value system intentionally parenting.
[00:40:45] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:40:46] Layne Burkette: So. And the other thing I wanted to touch on was the co-regulation piece. So my kids regularly see me doing this stuff. Yeah, I'm standing in the dishwasher frustrated because no one's helping me unload the dishwasher. And I'm starting to get into my rage mode and they'll see me like take a deep breath.
[00:40:59] They'll see me push my feet into the floor, put my hand to my heart. And then I calmly ask for help. Mm-hmm. I stop the rage cleaning and I ask for help.
[00:41:07] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:41:07] Layne Burkette: You know, so it's like little stuff like that. They're seeing me co-reg regulate, they're regulating as a result. And of course I wanna model this because I want them, I wanna break any sort of generational trauma patterns that I possibly can and not pass.
[00:41:21] Anything to my kids, from our culture, from mm-hmm. Anything of my old woundings or my husband's old woundings. Absolutely. I wanna, I want to, I wanna be that change maker. Yeah. And they're gonna see it and feel it. So I regularly, regularly do these things in front of my kids and they'll, yes. Sometimes they roll their eyes and sometimes they're like, I see them doing it.
[00:41:40] Mm-hmm. I see them doing it. They're, they're picking up on it. Yeah. So it's so powerful.
[00:41:44] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. And you know, I think that's awesome that you're seeing do them doing it, but it is a long, it's a long game, you know? Yeah. It's a long term.
[00:41:53] Layne Burkette: Yes,
[00:41:53] Casey O'Roarty: it's a long-term situation and you know, listeners, like I've said before, you, you know, it's, it's shifting out of well, what's gonna work and into what's gonna be, what's helpful.
[00:42:07] Layne Burkette: Yes.
[00:42:07] Casey O'Roarty: Right. And what Laney's sharing this conversation, we're really talking about something that's helpful in how you are not only experiencing. The teen season of parenting, but also how you are influencing this season. And you all have listened to me say before, like my favorite little tidbit of advice is don't make it worse.
[00:42:29] Layne Burkette: Yeah,
[00:42:30] Casey O'Roarty: don't make it worse. It's already hard enough. Teen brain development is happening. All of the things that, you know, novelty seeking and you know, peer engagement and all the things are happening regardless of your parenting style. So don't make it worse. Yeah. Help yourself in showing up in a way that actually influences it in a new direction.
[00:42:52] And just like I was saying about, oh, my kids are gonna tell me everything, we're gonna have this great relationship. So it's not gonna be that hard. No, but. You're gonna have tools for being with it. Mm-hmm. Being with the hard, in a way that doesn't make it worse.
[00:43:10] Layne Burkette: Yes. And that's so empowering. Yeah. That's such an empowering experience and feeling when you're in that situation.
[00:43:17] And you know, like whatever they bring to the table, I have the capacity to hold it.
[00:43:22] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:43:22] Layne Burkette: I have the ability to respond in a way that is aligned with how I wanna respond. Right. Without all of the backend stuff, like you said, all the time and energy that you spend feeling, guilt, shame, anger, Angus anxiety, like all that.
[00:43:33] That that is slowly dissolved when you regularly practice being aware of yourself, naming what your experience is and tending and nurturing yourself, like you said in the earlier on. When we focus in on ourselves and we really treat ourselves with the priority and the respect that we deserve, absolutely.
[00:43:51] We are better parents.
[00:43:53] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, and that's really, I mean, it's not talked about a lot at the forefront of positive discipline, but the work of positive discipline, it's based in Adlerian theory and it's really grounded in this idea that we can't pour from an empty cup, that this
[00:44:08] Layne Burkette: right?
[00:44:08] Casey O'Roarty: Personal growth and development, this inner work is inseparable from how we're relating and raising our kids.
[00:44:15] So I just really appreciate how aligned with that your work is. And I just wanna end with this question for a parent who's listening, who maybe has spent a lot of time feeling like they are failing their teenager, like they keep showing up in ways that they don't like and they can't seem to stop, what do you want most for them to know about what is possible for them?
[00:44:44] Layne Burkette: Yes, absolutely. At first I would just say nothing's wrong with you. You're not failing. And second, I would say your nervous system is trying to protect you. It, this isn't about, you know, suppressing emotion or like becoming perfectly calm. It's about noticing activation. It's. Having awareness and it's listening to your body, really slowing things down and listening and supporting your body in a way, because parenting tweens and teens does not ever ask us to have all the answers, that's impossible and we can't.
[00:45:15] What it does is just asks us to be present. It asks us to stay and staying requires regulation, and the hopeful part is that. We can learn this. This is stuff that, you know, every single thing that we did, everything that we've talked about, it's learnable. You know, it's neuroplasticity research like indicates that the brain and the nervous system, it can change with repeated experience.
[00:45:39] So, like we said, practicing these, these skills inside of this regulation. Then you are not stuck. You're not stuck in this reaction. So even if you think, oh geez, I've messed this up. I, you know, how can I possibly learn this? Please just like pause and go back and practice some of the skills that we just did because you are repeating that.
[00:45:58] You are rewiring those neural pathways and you're building a new baseline for yourself, which that's gonna affect the relationship with your teens. So positively they will feel it like we talked about. Mm-hmm. We're able to then tend to ourselves and we can actually change and tend to our nervous system, which is gonna just have huge benefits.
[00:46:16] So, mm. I would just say, please have hope and please just, you know, dive into practicing even it's one little thing. Yeah. And before they go to bed, you know, just taking that deep breath, you are relaxing your shoulders down, and then just giving yourself permission to rest.
[00:46:32] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:46:33] Layne Burkette: You know?
[00:46:33] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. I appreciate that.
[00:46:34] I had an experience. Was it last week where I became really activated and I had a little time and space away from the stimulus of that activation and the first, this is the first time I've ever done this, but I got on Insight timer and I looked for. You know, I filtered it. So it was under 10 minutes. I looked for something that was nervous system regulation, and I did it, and it was useful in helping me.
[00:47:06] So you guys, you're, first of all, you're not alone. There's no like. Place where you get to that you're no longer needing these kinds of skills? You know, Laney and I both actively, I think the difference probably, this is what I say to parents, you know, the difference between me and the parents that I serve is that I am living and breathing and talking about parenting all the time.
[00:47:28] And so it is so in my back pocket.
[00:47:31] Layne Burkette: Yeah.
[00:47:31] Casey O'Roarty: But I'm st you know, I'm leaning in, I'm leaning into the practices and the. The concepts that are shared on this podcast and in the various places that I work with parents. So
[00:47:43] Layne Burkette: yes.
[00:47:43] Casey O'Roarty: Yay.
[00:47:45] Layne Burkette: As am I. Yeah. I'm regularly practicing all of this, like every single thing that I've taught you today, I regularly do.
[00:47:51] Regularly do throughout my day, in between meetings, in between sessions. First thing in the morning. My hand is on my heart, right when I wake up, yeah. As I'm going to bed, I am. Let's do a bedtime one. Can we do that real quick?
[00:48:02] Casey O'Roarty: Sure.
[00:48:02] Layne Burkette: For you. Bedtime one for you. Okay. So say you're laying in bed and you're totally relaxed in your calm, just put your hand on your belly and take a nice deep breath in through the mouth and float your breath all the way down your belly.
[00:48:14] And feel your belly gently rise. And then as you exhale, just feel it soften. Good. And just think about the tension. Think about that activation from your day. Just breathe again into the belly and out. And now I want you to tense all your muscles. So breathe in and I want you to clench your fists, squeeze 'em, squeeze your arms, squeeze your legs, squeeze your feet, flex them up.
[00:48:41] Squeeze your chest, squeeze your back, squeeze your belly, your hips. Scrunch up your face, scrunch up your neck. Squeeze everything. Inhale really deep. Collect all that tension. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. And now exhale. Just soften. Relax. Just melt down.
[00:48:56] Casey O'Roarty: Oh yes. Feel that.
[00:48:57] Layne Burkette: And then just bring your hand to your heart.
[00:49:00] And simply breathe in and say to yourself, I am worthy of rest. And just feel yourself soften into that. Take one more breath and exhale.
[00:49:21] Casey O'Roarty: Mm hmm.
[00:49:22] Layne Burkette: Good. So that's the kind of stuff like just building it in. That was two minutes. So if you're in your bed at nighttime listening to this podcast and enjoying it when you finish it, you know, just do that and rest and give yourself permission to like release some of that tension.
[00:49:40] We hold so much and as parents, we are really doing so much jumping from thing to thing, work, family life, you know. Running kids to and from sports, whatever it may be for you. And you get, you are worthy of rust and you are worthy of this type of integration, of nervous system regulation into your day and into your being.
[00:49:59] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[00:50:00] Layne Burkette: And you deserve it. And it will, you'll feel it. You'll definitely feel it. The more you do this. Taking a minute here and there, you'll just feel like steady, you're. You know, you're gonna have this softness come through within your conversations. This just beautiful like trust within yourself and empowerment.
[00:50:17] I love
[00:50:17] Casey O'Roarty: it. Love that. Yeah. I actually have an alarm on my phone at 10:00 PM on weeknights that says You are worthy of a good night's sleep. Oh
[00:50:26] Layne Burkette: yes. Perfect.
[00:50:27] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. And then my eight 30 alarm says. You should wind down right now. You will not regret it.
[00:50:33] Layne Burkette: Ooh, I love that too. I love that. Yeah. See, just those little reminders.
[00:50:39] Casey O'Roarty: I love alarms. Yeah.
[00:50:40] Yeah.
[00:50:40] Layne Burkette: It's just a little micro pause.
[00:50:42] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:50:42] You
[00:50:42] Layne Burkette: know, just like it just settles you in. So,
[00:50:45] Casey O'Roarty: yeah, I have, it feels really good. Yay. Well, so I always end my show, my interviews, asking this question, which is, what does joyful courage mean to you, Laney, considering everything we talked about today?
[00:50:57] Layne Burkette: I love that. And to me it means really staying present and connected and finding the joy within these little moments, not only for yourself as a human being, just navigating through this world, but as a parent you get to enjoy this process. You get to be joyful and you get to stay present. And I know that that's hard some days, and I acknowledge that I have four kids.
[00:51:20] I really feel that and I'm there in it with you. And you are a beautiful, courageous person, being able to be present and to continue showing up for yourself and your family. So I love the title of your show. Absolutely love it.
[00:51:35] Casey O'Roarty: Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Where can people find you and follow your work?
[00:51:38] Talk a little bit about what you do with people.
[00:51:40] Layne Burkette: Yeah, sure. Um, I mean this conversation resonates and you're realizing like your nervous system is a beautiful point to start. I would love to support you. I have a free five day practice, it's called Calm Within, and it's just one practice every single day with the same type of thing that we did today.
[00:51:56] A breath, um, movement. And then some sort of healing affirmation, and it's just a nice ebook. There's videos that go along with the breath work. If you feel like, I don't know how to do this breath work, I'm gonna teach you how. And it's just gonna be a three minute little video and you get to do it. So I do that.
[00:52:12] I also, um, I have a family connection bundle if you wanna bring this in with your kids. I also have a nervous system regulation program that I absolutely love, and it's my baby and I just like. I wanna grow it because I'm so passionate about this and bringing this into people's lives and making it accessible.
[00:52:28] So yeah, I offered that as well with videos, um, coaching, everything like that. So I'm passionate about it. Awesome. I love it.
[00:52:36] Casey O'Roarty: Tell us what, what your, what's your website? Where can people find it?
[00:52:38] Layne Burkette: Life balance, bu is my website. And then, um, I'm on Instagram too at Life Balance bu, and I just showed exactly what we did today.
[00:52:46] Just these little snippets of things. Okay,
[00:52:48] Casey O'Roarty: great.
[00:52:49] Layne Burkette: So follow me. I'd love to, love to support you.
[00:52:51] Casey O'Roarty: Yay. Well, I will make sure, listeners, as usual, that all those links are in the show notes. And Laney, this has been awesome. Thank you so much for being here with me.
[00:53:01] Layne Burkette: Thank you.
[00:53:06] Casey O'Roarty: Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good as I mentioned. Sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:53:34] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.