Eps 648: Parenting with Humility and Breaking Cycles with Wendy Snyder

“Joyful courage is really finding joy in the journey of healing and growing and expanding your heart and learning new tools and strengthening your family — and being okay feeling scared sometimes. Scared that you’re failing, scared that you’re messing it up, scared that you’re not enough. That is just part of being courageous. So find joy in that, because that’s humanity. We’re together in that.”

— Wendy Snyder

Resources mentioned:

• Fresh Start Family — freshstartfamilyonline.com
• Book: Fresh Start Your Family by Wendy Snyder — releases May 19, 2026
• Pre-order bonuses — freshstartfamilyonline.com/pre-order
• Freedom to Be — Fresh Start Family healing weekend program
• The Fresh Start Family Show — Wendy’s podcast
• Wendy on Instagram — @freshstartwendy
• JC Episode 407 — Wendy’s first appearance on Joyful Courage (strong-willed kids)
• DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) — referenced by Casey re: her daughter Rowan
• Race to Nowhere — documentary referenced by Wendy
• bookshop.org — recommended for purchasing Wendy’s book

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents. This season of parenting is no joke, and while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:23] Hi, listeners, welcome back to the show. I'm so excited that you're here. Today is an interview show and I have a returning guest. I'm so excited to be welcoming Wendy Snyder. Back on to the podcast. Wendy is a certified positive parenting educator, family life coach, and founder of Fresh Start Family, where she helps families ditch fear-based discipline and raise strong emotionally healthy kids with compassion and confidence.
[00:01:53] Through her podcast courses and coaching programs, she's guided thousands of parents to break painful generational cycles and create homes rooted in connection, peace, and purpose. Wendy lives in Southern California with her husband Terry, who's also her high school sweetheart. And there are two kids where they're rewriting their own family legacy.
[00:02:14] One Grace filled Day at a Time. She's the author of an upcoming book, fresh Start Your Family, powerful Parenting to Restore Peace in Your Home, which comes out in May of this year, 2026. Wendy, I'm so glad you're here. Welcome back to the pod.
[00:02:29] Wendy Snyder: Thank you for having me Casey. I am so excited to be here. I think we're gonna have a great chat and a great
[00:02:34] Casey O'Roarty: catch
[00:02:34] Wendy Snyder: up.
[00:02:34] It's been a while.
[00:02:35] Casey O'Roarty: I know it has been a while. You were on the show way back in episode 4 0 7, so I think that was like maybe four years ago. Which feels like an eternity. It feels like an eternity. Yes.
[00:02:48] Wendy Snyder: And I was trying to remember, I thought I had had you on our podcast too, but now I'm thinking. Maybe we didn't.
[00:02:53] Who knows? Maybe we were just on a summit together.
[00:02:56] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:02:57] It's
[00:02:57] Wendy Snyder: been a few years for sure.
[00:02:58] Casey O'Roarty: It's been a few years. And last time we talked about raising strong-willed kiddos, which was a great conversation. And I recommend listeners, you go back and check that out. I'll make sure the links in the show notes today.
[00:03:12] We're talking about something totally different. And before we dive in, well sort of totally different. But before we dive in, I wanna start with you, and I know you shared a bit about your story the last time you were on, but please remind us and take us back. What was that moment that you realized the way you were parenting wasn't working and what that felt like in your body, in your home?
[00:03:34] What was the wake up call for you to dive into this work that you do?
[00:03:39] Wendy Snyder: Yeah, it is. It is so wild. The season of life that I sit in right now is so fun, and it's kind of fun that the book is coming out the same month that my daughter graduates from high school. She's 18 now and she'll graduate in May, and the book comes out on May 19th, and it's just such a full circle moment because she is the reason why I'm an educator, right?
[00:03:59] Mm-hmm. She's the one of my greatest teachers in life, if not the greatest teacher in life, and she's the reason why I sit here today and why my life took a full blown trajectory into this direction that I never would've imagined. And I've been able to, to do what I do and love every day that I get to do this work.
[00:04:16] But 15 years ago. Stella was three. I had just had my second child and he had colic just like my first. So I got two colicky babies. Pretty rare. But I do meet some people who experience that. He cried just all day long for like the first four months of his life. And I at the time was like, you know what? I think it's time I stay home with my kids.
[00:04:37] I've got two now. It was hard to make the financials work once you were paying for childcare. And so I was like, you know what? I'm gonna do it. Even if we have to eat tuna fish every day, I am gonna do it. And it's gonna be amazing, right? Like, yeah, I'm gonna stay home. I live at the beach and it's gonna be like, you know, we're gonna be at the ocean and the kids are gonna nap every day and I'm gonna exercise and the house is gonna be clean.
[00:04:58] And at the time I had a nanny and she was like the best nanny in the world. I love her so much. And I let her go. And I was like, I can do this. And it was. Oh my gosh. The poop hit the fan pretty fast. Within a few weeks I was like, what have I done? What have I done? Because it sure felt like, so at that point, Stella was three, Taryn was probably about six months old.
[00:05:20] Maybe he was eight months old by that time, but it felt like Stella was in timeouts all day long. Um, I was so stressed out. I feel like if I were to tell her to go right, she would go left. If I was like, stop pulling the dog's tail, she would pull it harder if I was like, don't, you know, hurt the baby. She would like shake him purposely to like, he almost fell off the changing table and I just remember being like.
[00:05:45] This is awful. And as much as I love this little girl so much, like there were many days where I was just like, I don't think I like my own child. Mm-hmm. I was researching all the different things that could be wrong with her. I was watching bipolar documentaries. I even Googled the exorcism. I was like, can a child become possessed?
[00:06:07] I just really was like, there's gotta be something wrong with her because this is. Crazy. And then in my darkest days, of course I would go to just like, what is wrong with me? Like, I have this opportunity to stay home with my kids and I should be thankful. and I'm hating it. Mm-hmm.
[00:06:25] Like I had done all these things in life with my career and graduated from college and felt like a successful human. But when it came to just getting my child to put on her shoes and be gentle and not hurt animals and small humans, I just felt like such a failure. And I would look at my husband and he would leave to go to work every day.
[00:06:45] He worked like an hour away at the time, so he'd work long hours. And I just remember being like, do you have to go because I don't know how I'm gonna control this child. And of course it was just such an awful feeling because that's just like never that how I dreamed parenting was gonna be. Yeah. And it felt like it was gonna be forever.
[00:07:04] And I just was seriously, pretty anxious and depressed. But if you saw me at the grocery store and asked me how I was, I would've been like, I'm okay. You know,
[00:07:13] Casey O'Roarty: I'm doing
[00:07:13] Wendy Snyder: okay. You're a little tired. Mm-hmm. But you know, you put on the face, but like really inside, you're kind of miserable.
[00:07:18] So fast forward, thank God I walked into Stella's preschool one day. They had a free class. For a positive parenting. A woman, who became my mentor for 10 years, Susie Walton, she had been teaching this class there for I think 15 years. By that point. They had been offering this class to parents for decades.
[00:07:34] They still do. And um, as soon as I started to learn these concepts that you and I now teach and advocate for, the light started to return to my day. I started to understand my contribution to the dance. I started to see Stella in such a different light talk to her differently, work with her differently, come discipline her differently.
[00:07:54] And everything started to change. So not only did she start to behave better and cooperate easier, but I just really felt like I changed from the inside out, the way I saw the world, the way I saw my kid, the way I saw myself. And that really just led to like a full kind of transformation in our home. And so a few years later, I knew.
[00:08:14] I gotta teach this stuff. Taught in my hometown for a while, and then decided when I opened up Fresh Heart Family that I really wanted to preach it on the mountaintop, so to speak. Mm-hmm. And have everyone across the world, even if you were like in a small town in Bulgaria or Ohio, be able to learn and understand how at choice you are.
[00:08:32] Yeah. When it comes to raising your own human souls. And if you are feeling stressed and like it is not fun, I, you know, there's a different way. Yeah. And we can teach you it wherever you live, so,
[00:08:43] Casey O'Roarty: yes.
[00:08:44] Wendy Snyder: Yeah, that was 15 years ago now. And now Stella is graduating from high school. She's one of my best friends in the world.
[00:08:50] I love that kid so much and I like her. That's a cool thing. I like her now. and that strong will, thank God because people taught us how not to break it all those years ago and that we, we got to practice for all these years. Um, she's used that strong will to become a division one beach volleyball collegiate athlete, which is a feat that only 1% of high school athletes attain.
[00:09:11] And I can tell you for sure that that strong will was, the reason of course on top of her talent, but she really fought for that recruitment and, um, and I, really do believe that it's because of this work that we were able to mm-hmm. Build her up instead of like push her down through the years of pushback and defiance that thank God someone taught us very early is not a problem.
[00:09:34] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm. Uh, I relate to so much of that story, including I have a feeling our kids are the same spread. Are yours like two years, nine months-ish?
[00:09:42] Wendy Snyder: Three? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
[00:09:44] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:09:44] Wendy Snyder: Very close.
[00:09:45] Casey O'Roarty: So I had that same, I mean, it's so similar minus the colic, but very similar experience of daughter and a son. Baby boy read about the mama bear instinct to butch the older child away thought, no, what is that gonna happen to me?
[00:10:03] Who that, like, how could that that possibly happen? And then finding myself absolutely in it, again, being trained up and recognizing my influence in the dance. Like Wendy. It's just, I think it's such a common experience. And the difference between us and somebody else is, is that gift of, for the intervention that showed up.
[00:10:26] To help us see, oh, I am a part of this dynamic. I have a role in this. And I think, you know, as I was listening to you talk, I was thinking about how sad it is that there remains this idea that women should just know how to mother and it's, there's so much to learn about development, about the brain. I love gearing the circle into your daughter, you know, using that strong will to propel herself forward and to be this competitive athlete, all of that.
[00:11:00] I have a sister with a nine-year-old and I tell her all the time, like, I know it's tough, but the last thing you wanna do is break this little girl. 'cause she is primed to do incredible things even though at nine. It feels really hard to parent some days.
[00:11:18] Wendy Snyder: Yeah,
[00:11:18] Casey O'Roarty: for
[00:11:18] Wendy Snyder: sure. And it's like, isn't it fun, Casey, now to be that message sender where we were the ones getting the message right?
[00:11:24] Like I remember. in my world it was Stella's preschool director, her name was Sandy Hatter, miss Sandy. And I just remember being like, dude, the kid. Every day I would get the phone call. She can't stay till two. You need to pick her up after lunch. Can't keep her hands to herself, you know? And I was just like crying.
[00:11:42] I'm like, Sandy, I'm so sorry. I was so embarrassed. I'm like, I don't know what to do. And she was so firm with me. She was like, Wendy, you listen to me, you, there's nothing wrong with Stella. She is a force and she's going to do incredible things in the world, but you need to educate yourself. You need to, yes.
[00:11:59] Blah, blah, blah. But she was just so confident that like this strong will is not a problem and it is gonna change the world. And trust me, she's, and she said to me, I am more concerned when I see the kids that are like, beat down or they, like, they don't have any type of spirit. Or she's like, I'm not worried about this type of kid.
[00:12:19] Yeah. She's like, and she just had so much experience, you know? Yeah. So I need to get ahold of her, um, and tell her.
[00:12:25] Casey O'Roarty: Love that. Thanks Miss Sandy.
[00:12:25] Wendy Snyder: What has transpired. Yeah.
[00:12:27] Casey O'Roarty: Yes. And to all the Miss Sandy out there, right? Yes. 'cause it sounds like she delivered. Some really important support to you. You know, I think that that's so key.
[00:12:37] I think it's so easy to feel isolated in our experience. And we're gonna talk about, you know, the teen years. And I work with parents, some of which are coming into the teen years with a positive discipline background. That's the program that I teach. And like me, when I moved into the teen years and things started to go sideways, I was like, oh god.
[00:12:57] My listeners have heard me say this, but have I been duped? Because I do not know what this philosophy looks like inside of the season of adolescences. And so that's when I really niched into wanting to learn and work and talk about parents of teenagers because there's no getting around teen brain development like that is happening.
[00:13:21] And it can feel like because of the novelty seeking and the individuation, it can feel like we're failing. But really it's just a matter of like lack of support and lack of understanding. And I love this because it takes shame off the table, right? Yeah. And I'm curious, what do you think with the parents that you are working with, what is that story that they're telling themselves when they're sitting inside of, I am failing this child?
[00:13:51] Wendy Snyder: I'd say. In our world. It's interesting because I teach from a perspective, so like we have our weekend healing program that we do once a year coming up and the main things we're teaching in there is how to basically get your self-awareness high and your self-acceptance. Because without those two things, like if you have a lot of self-awareness and you're like, oh, I understand that I'm me, I'm telling this kid to chill out and relax and I'm yelling.
[00:14:17] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:14:18] Wendy Snyder: If you have that type of awareness without the self-acceptance and the self-compassion of like not being like the crazy inner critic or super hard on yourself, then you will stall out. You won't be able to make strategies work. You'll just feel like no matter what you try, it doesn't work.
[00:14:34] Like they both have to be high. So you mentioned making sure shame is worked through. Mm-hmm. It's just so important, the self-acceptance piece of like. We're not failing when we make mistakes.
[00:14:47] Casey O'Roarty: What is it about this parenting experience, especially in the teen years that leads us to believe that we're failing?
[00:14:54] Wendy Snyder: So what we see in our community is people either go a little bit more aggressively towards blame of their kid or shame of their selves. And then oftentimes there's a little bit of both, for sure. But I find that, I'd say a lot of people in my community we go towards the blame first. Like there's something wrong with them, right?
[00:15:13] Yeah. Like if you just tell me how to fix them, then the family will have peace. I'll be able to relax. I'll stop yelling as soon as that kid stops giving a fricking attitude,
[00:15:22] Casey O'Roarty: right?
[00:15:23] Wendy Snyder: And then they do a little bit of awareness work, and then it hits like a freight train of like, fudge, dude, I am the failure.
[00:15:32] What's wrong with me? And then once they get into the work a little bit, I find that this journey is like quite extensive and you just gotta stay in it and stick with it of like. What is wrong with me? Like, why don't I know this by now? Like, why am I still having this knee jerk reaction? Wendy, I've, you know, they might've been in coaching sessions or watched a million lessons and it's like, why do I still revert to yelling?
[00:15:55] Or the inner critic will say like, what's wrong with you?
[00:15:59] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:15:59] Wendy Snyder: Like, you should know better. Why are you getting this by now?
[00:16:01] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:16:01] Wendy Snyder: You should know better by now. And so I just, I say it's just a nervous system, right? It's conditioned our first two decades of life, and for those of us who wrote, were raised in.
[00:16:10] Autocratic or authoritarian model homes. And that's just means that there was a power over structure, right? Mm-hmm. So there's a, obviously a level of different degrees of autocratic authoritarian homes. Sure. But most of us, you know, growing up in the seventies, eighties, nineties, um, there was just the power over structure.
[00:16:29] If you made a mistake, you were gonna get in trouble. Right. Whether it was timeout, groundings, spankings, and then if there wasn't corporal punishment in your home, there was probably just a lot of shame and guilt. Yeah.
[00:16:39] Casey O'Roarty: Passive
[00:16:40] Wendy Snyder: aggressive silence. Right. Like, um, I'm disappointed, right? Yeah. If you didn't get straight A's, it's like, I'm just so
[00:16:45] Casey O'Roarty: disappointed.
[00:16:45] Wendy Snyder: So there was really a lot of pain associated with mistakes and being imperfect. Mm-hmm. And so, obviously the way we teach it in our world is just that mistakes are just opportunities to learn. Yeah. They're part of being human. And so the way we are raising kids. They have a different experience of imperfection, right?
[00:17:04] It's like, okay, so you made a mistake. What are you gonna learn from it? Mistakes don't make you bad. They make you human. And of course you're gonna be held responsible, right? Mm-hmm. And I'm gonna hold myself responsible because I probably freaking taught you how to do that. And you learn by watching me react to your sister or defend or lie or whatever.
[00:17:23] So, but if you go back to us and like, why are we so hard on ourselves? The nervous system will often just choose that comfortable hell. Right? And the comfortable hell for many of us is staying like that. Inner critic is well trained. Mm-hmm. And being hard on yourself is what we learned that first decade or two mistakes get made.
[00:17:44] And that's what happens. Someone is going to be hard on you or there's gonna be a price to be paid of some sort. And we watched our parents do that. So then we grow up and it's like, well, that's just what happens when we are imperfect. Mm-hmm. And so it takes a lot of courage to break that, to enter into the uncomfortable zone of having the nervous system operate more on possibility of like, Hey, I can have a kid make a mistake.
[00:18:12] I can handle it with grace and teach them an important life lesson without hurting, harming, humiliating them. Or, hey, it is possible for me to make a mistake, scream. my, my kids like I just did. I'm me. I'm 48 years old now. Been teaching this for like over a decade. I screamed and cursed at my 15-year-old, like.
[00:18:33] Four weeks ago, good story. I was getting frauded on the phone by a stupid fraud store that almost took money from my bank account. But no defending it, it's just fact. Yeah, I did it right. And I can clean that up. I can make amends, I can repair the relationship. I can let my little guy know he's now six two, but let him know like, Hey, here's what was happening inside of me.
[00:18:54] Here's the home I grew up in. Here's the, the neural pathway, so to speak, that I'm still repaving, right? Yeah. Like I'm just not there yet. You didn't deserve to be yelled at. You did not deserve to be spoken to like that. Here's what I was feeling. Here's what I'm working towards to process that differently next time.
[00:19:13] Yeah. Let me redo it. I'll do a makeup for you. But, um, but so I often just say. It's not your fault. If you're really hard on yourself and you have a lot of shame, it's just your nervous system probably operating in that comfortable hell. Mm-hmm. Instead of operating in the uncomfortable heaven, which is this new world that we just didn't grow up in.
[00:19:32] So it's very obscure to imagine imperfection being met with like grace and compassion.
[00:19:50] Casey O'Roarty: You know, I've never connected the dots the way that I'm connecting them right now between, so I grew up in in a household where it was, I was grounded a lot.
[00:20:00] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:20:01] Casey O'Roarty: Because I, typical, yeah. I was a mischievous little. Well, not little in high school. Mostly like just grounded a lot. Yeah. A lot of experimenting and trying to figure out how to get out the window and not getting caught and then getting grounded and then trying to get better at getting out the window.
[00:20:16] Like not
[00:20:17] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:20:17] Casey O'Roarty: You know? I think what, but what I'm
[00:20:19] Wendy Snyder: to, to some degree.
[00:20:20] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. And what I'm noticing is, you know, and then I'd lie and then it became like, well, we probably wouldn't have grounded you, but then you lied. Right? There was always this big, like then you lied and the self-taught like that. The lesson being you have to pay in shame and guilt for your mistakes.
[00:20:45] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:20:45] Casey O'Roarty: And like I never really connected that the way that I am right now to then. How I talk to myself when I make a mistake. You know, like, oh, I need to feel shame and guilt about this because that's what I've learned versus, you know, and over time I've gotten better at this versus like, wow. Tell me about what's going on with you.
[00:21:08] Tell me about your experience. Tell me about, you know, like, I, I, it just never occurred to me. My parents' experience of waking up and I'm not there and it's the middle of the night. Yeah. Like, it never occurred to me to take their perspective. 'cause they didn't offer their perspective. All they offered was, well, now you're in for, you know, now we're gonna Yeah.
[00:21:26] Make you pay. And so
[00:21:27] Wendy Snyder: what's wrong with you too? Like, yeah, how dare you? Why would you do that? Like,
[00:21:31] Casey O'Roarty: and from a place of we love you so much we're, you know, we want you to stop doing this thing and this is the tool that we have. You know, and realize, not realizing, like that tool just sent me deeper underground and then I got to college.
[00:21:45] Yeah,
[00:21:46] Wendy Snyder: me too.
[00:21:46] Casey O'Roarty: It was wild times. And so, exactly, you know, really working with my own kids as they moved through adolescence around that curiosity and that processing. And I wonder, because here's what I hear from parents a lot, and it's interesting, right? Like, we have our experience with our kiddos, with our imperfect implementation of practicing what we preach.
[00:22:08] Mm-hmm. And I don't know about you, but there's so many little things where it's like, oh man. Like, it's trusting the process and believing in the uncertain future and just holding this vision of this, I know that this is the most useful way to respond to this, and I can't, it's not as neat and tidy as like, were they robots and we could say, do this.
[00:22:31] They'll do this, right? Yeah. So what I hear from parents a lot is, gosh, you know, if I soften, if I get curious, instead of controlling and putting my foot down, am I not giving away my power? Right? Yeah. How am I supposed to be an authority if I can't wield, you know, this authority move, which looks like, you know, punitive consequences or punishments?
[00:22:58] What do you say to that parent? Because it, it's really, I know I talk a lot about sharing power and that can feel really scary to parents of adolescents.
[00:23:07] Wendy Snyder: Yeah. And adolescent, you're divine. You're defining as like eight to 14 or something? Eight to 13.
[00:23:13] Casey O'Roarty: No, I'm thinking like middle and high school.
[00:23:15] Wendy Snyder: Middle and high school. Yeah. Okay.
[00:23:17] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:23:17] Wendy Snyder: Um, yeah,
[00:23:18] Casey O'Roarty: and realizing like a sixth grade, it's gonna look different for a sixth grader and 11-year-old versus an 18-year-old, you know, like your daughter who's, yeah. One foot out the door, if not both,
[00:23:29] Wendy Snyder: it can feel scary. Af
[00:23:30] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:23:31] Wendy Snyder: And it is pertinent that a parent learns how to release control because it is the most freeing feeling in the world when you realize you no longer have to try to control another human being.
[00:23:41] It is freaking exhausting and it does not work. So that's where you just have to. Compiled data, so to speak, in my opinion, with the small wins, to realize, oh, this does work. Mm-hmm. This works when I release the pressure, when I stop trying to force convince, lecture, shame, punish, like when I act, like even if, say, if you learn, you know, 10 tools with you this year, if they're in your program and they try one teeny tiny little one and they see the slightest increase in cooperation, like you just wanna journal it, you wanna write a, we always say to our students, write a success in the group, journal it, write a notes, voice it, and just let your body know it is safe to do something different than.
[00:24:31] What I know. Um, but the body feel like, again, it's a nervous system. It feels very unsafe. and that's why I am excited about this book and where I sit now with the 18 years and 15 years of this, because for so long it was just theory, right? Like for everything. Like, I remember kindergarten, it was like we saw the Race to Nowhere documentary, and it was like in our heart, it like locked in and we were like, oh, this makes sense to us.
[00:24:57] We are not, gonna force homework. We're not gonna like care about the testing scores. Mm-hmm. And also that feels really scary because. But I remember they called like a meeting, the principal and our teacher, who we loved, we thought she was super cool. And then all of a sudden it became like we were the parents who were like doing it different, you know?
[00:25:15] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:25:16] Wendy Snyder: And, and oh my gosh, we were spot on, right? Like, uh, we decided to have the kids focus on them being in trees, healthy dinners, good bedtimes. And we were like, we're not gonna force homework anymore. Um, and here we are 15 years later and our elementary school here in Southern California, they do not have homework anymore.
[00:25:36] Mm-hmm. Right? So it's like we were a, like our intuition and this, these beautiful experts that we had listened to in the race to nowhere. And the data, the research, it was spot on, but it did feel very scary to trust it. Mm-hmm. Um, but for in that situation, it was like, you just gotta get brave. And then when you're brave, you to be brave and courageous in life, you will always need to feel scared first.
[00:26:00] Mm-hmm. Like, it's just part of the process. No one that has ever done anything brave or courageous in life. And when you are a painful generational cycle breaker and not repeating the same exact thing that was done to you and then passing it to your kids and wondering why you're so stressed out and you don't have the relationship of your dreams with them, that will take courage.
[00:26:19] Yeah. And so, you know, probably about two or a year and a half after that whole homework thing down went down when Stella was in kindergarten. I remember her teacher coming to us. It was like first or second grade, the end of first grade or something. And her teacher being like, wow. She was this very soft spoken woman, Mrs.
[00:26:38] Apostle. She wore a headset. 'cause she was so soft spoken. She was like, Stella is really doing wonderful. Um, her reading scores are great and we, I know people were really concerned when she came into our class. And it was, I remember it was one of those moments where it was like, yes, the data like hit.
[00:26:55] It was like, oh, it's safe to trust myself and to trust these experts. That when I heard the information, I was like, dude, that makes sense. That makes sense. Why we wouldn't fricking force, um, sight words on five-year-olds instead of letting them climb trees when they've been in school all day. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean?
[00:27:14] And so point being, to answer your question, um, it can feel scary, but it feels so good. And I'm at the point now where like my kids in high school. I've almost completely removed any type of power over structure. Like there's no checking of anything. There's, this is also an ecosystem where slight dips or failures are like, okay, right.
[00:27:38] So mm-hmm. If their grade drops to c it's kind of like, alright, let's talk about it. What is it that you want? What are your college aspirations? Yes. Like you just work through it instead of, um, this like expectation for perfection. And it just really works. Like you can see that when you release the control.
[00:27:57] You have kids that pick up the accountability. They pick up the, like, they figured out how to do it because A, they feel good when they're not like they kids just, and I have one kid that's super strong-willed and one kid that is not, he's more than mild child. And there were times in the years where I was like, Hmm, does he need a little bit more micromanaging?
[00:28:17] Mm-hmm. took the same approach of like, no, we're gonna empower you. You take care of your own stuff, you schedule it. If you procrastinate, we're not gonna micromanage you. Um, and let's see what happens the next day. Yes. And then it's just always worked out well. And they're straight A kids. And it's not about grades.
[00:28:35] It doesn't matter. Like seriously, if you have C kids, I want you to celebrate that. 'cause C'S are awesome too. But point being is releasing control is scary. But I see it is one of the biggest things that I help families escape the pattern because it. It really, it doesn't do much good to try to control your kids.
[00:28:53] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Well, and the spoiler for the teen years is you actually have never really had control. You've had some influence and you know, and I think in my situation, and my listeners know my story, you know, I had a strong-willed kid who got kind of sideswiped by some mental health challenges and ended up completely dropping out of school in 11th grade.
[00:29:16] Yeah. And declaring no college for me, LA la you know, her whole, whatever her mindset was.
[00:29:21] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:29:21] Casey O'Roarty: And I was not for it, you know, it took time and really to her credit, you know, she was like, get on board or get out, you know? Right. Which I was like, ah. And once I came around to like, okay, I'm gonna trust in her self preservation, I'm gonna trust
[00:29:44] Wendy Snyder: Yes.
[00:29:44] Casey O'Roarty: In her timeline and in her growth and learning, and now she's. A junior in college studying biochemistry with her sites. Great example, a PhD. And nowhere in my experience of six, seven years ago, could I have foreseen this. But I feel like this is where we get to trust the process we get to, like when things get really tough, like they did for us.
[00:30:14] Work on not making it worse.
[00:30:16] Wendy Snyder: Yeah, I like that, Casey.
[00:30:17] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, like don't make it worse. Yeah. Show up, stay connected. don't make it worse. And even though at the time, and she's been on the podcast and told her story at the time, she did feel very powerless. And there was a lot of like, just through the roof anxiety, that was definitely caging her and getting her in her way, getting in her way as she moved through it and out of it, the skills that she developed in her self-preservation.
[00:30:46] I mean, she's a 23-year-old who is more self-aware. Than I was probably until well into my forties. Right. Yeah. Which is a kind of double-edged sword 'cause she's surrounded by other 23 year olds who are just like, you know, living on the surface as 23 year olds do. Yeah. And so there's some interesting dynamic there, but I just really appreciate what you're talking about because I'm hearing you saying like, trust, your kids like trust in their development.
[00:31:17] Trust that you don't need to micromanage. I call that handing over the energetic responsibility like we, with checking the portal and what's going on with your grades and having this feeling like it's up to me, the parent to make sure that you do well and then we launch them out in the world and expect them to do well when they haven't had a lot of opportunity to hold that energetic responsibility to hold that.
[00:31:47] Power over themselves. Yeah. So I really appreciate that. So
[00:31:52] Wendy Snyder: true.
[00:31:52] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:31:53] Wendy Snyder: Yeah. And it, it's so good and it's, it is so scary, and it is such a journey. Um, my little guy right now, he's starting. Well, it's interesting. Whatever the last few years he has started to say, I'm not gonna college.
[00:32:05] And it's so cool because, you know, I just think the new generation, especially the strong-willed ones, but the new generation in general they're just, they're gonna challenge the system, right? Mm-hmm. And it's like when you have the humility and the openness to be like, huh, okay, a I am triggered by this, like a young man who says, I'm not going to college, but doesn't yet quite have the drive for entrepreneurship.
[00:32:27] That's the difference, right? It's like I see some of his buddies that I'm like, oh yeah, that kid's gonna go start a company at 18. Like my little guy. I'm like, dude, you gotta do something. Right? Right. But my teacher used to call it or always called it trust in their humanity. Mm-hmm. Trust in their humanity.
[00:32:43] And that's a really beautiful story to hear from you, Casey, because they do figure it oftentimes when you don't make it worse, when you don't blow it up, they figure it out.
[00:32:53] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. They
[00:32:53] Wendy Snyder: wanna live,
[00:32:54] Casey O'Roarty: live
[00:32:54] Wendy Snyder: alive. They wanna create
[00:32:56] Casey O'Roarty: their life.
[00:32:57] Wendy Snyder: And they are gifted with unique callings and unique, like, I think in our work, we're always trying to teach our kids like how to listen to their own intuition.
[00:33:05] For me, I bring in like divine guidance and it's like, we, I want that for my kids. I don't want them to do what I want them to do in life. Like, I want them to do their calling. Right? Yeah. Like we can guide, we can influence. Like I'm always letting my, my, i, I try to force my little dream of him. I always joke that I would've been a lifeguard in like another life or like ski patrol.
[00:33:26] Um, so I'm like, you could be a career lifeguard. So of course we try to influence a little bit, but if you just find it, find the joy or find the fun in supporting their, they let them start like giving some direction and then follow their lead, right? Like what are they passionate about? Like, you know, Stella was a very kinesthetic kid.
[00:33:48] She was the hitter, the kicker, the biter, the tackle hugger in when she was five years old in gymnastic gymnastics class. So we got her into drumming at five years old. We were like, you like to hit stuff? You got crazy rhythm. She was always rapping and, she became a prominent drummer. Mm-hmm. Like she's a full metal Drummer now, and it's like insane. I'm like, so just follow their lead. Yeah. And life is easier than trying to put Astella said one day, like, she's never gonna fit in the box. It was a Valentine's Day story from kindergarten, but trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Yeah. It's just always gonna be a battle.
[00:34:25] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. I wanna talk about humility because I think there's something here too, especially with what you just said about the square peg in a round hole. The idea that we know what's best.
[00:34:37] Wendy Snyder: Mm-hmm.
[00:34:39] Casey O'Roarty: For our kiddos. And I love, I'd love to play around a little bit with that because it is, it's challenging and I've talked about this recently with clients, you know?
[00:34:50] Yeah. Hey, you've had a lot of experience. You absolutely have a lot of wisdom.
[00:34:56] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:34:56] Casey O'Roarty: And, you know, zip it.
[00:35:00] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:35:00] Casey O'Roarty: Like, you know, so humility. Talk about humility in parenting. What does that mean to you? What does that look like and how is it actually a tool, a useful tool for providing that space for our kids to be able to hear that divine calling, hear their own inner voice, nurture their ability to.
[00:35:22] Follow and recognize that they have their own path. How does humility play into that?
[00:35:27] Wendy Snyder: Yeah. Humility is one of my favorite traits in a human on the planet, right? Like it is one of my favorites. Mother Theresa talked about how humility really can change the world. I do teach humility as a super power.
[00:35:40] Mm-hmm. I believe children respond so well to humility, especially if they're strong-willed. And it's just so funny 'cause it's so backwards from like what we were raised with or what our parents, what the model that was taught to them. Right. Like, you were stoic. You, you did what you wanted to do because you were the parent and kids behaved because you said so and mm-hmm.
[00:36:02] Like, it makes me think like I have a brother-in-law who's a sheriff, he's retired now, but like he, you know, he's a cop, so he like stops people and gives people tickets. But when he drives on the freeway, we're like terrified. He does like 95. Yeah. Right. But it's like that system of like. I'll tell you what to do and then I'll do whatever I want.
[00:36:22] Mm-hmm. And I don't know, this new generation is just really calling BS on it, and especially strong-willed kids, they just, they're like allergic to hypocrisy and so they just respond really well to a parent who is willing to admit that they actually don't have all the answers, that they do make mistakes, that they probably are partially responsible for teaching that behavior that mm-hmm.
[00:36:48] The parent is now coming down on with the child.
[00:36:51] Casey O'Roarty: So there's
[00:36:51] Wendy Snyder: Two parts of this. I think when we talk about humility, and first off, what I hear you're talking about is like the humility to admit that you don't have all the answers. Right. And that there could be this answer, this future, this, um, different way of doing things or putting together the puzzle that is very different than the way you would do it.
[00:37:12] Right. Right. And to me that's like about releasing control and, being willing to like work through. I think a lot of people have like high functioning anxiety to a point where they can't release the control, like. They only feel safe if they're in control. So that to me is like releasing the control, saying like, I don't know what the answer is here.
[00:37:31] I don't have a magic ball. Um, you say you wanna quit school or not go to college. And I think we can bring in emotional literacy to it and just say, I think I feel scared. Here's what I feel scared about. Here's what I care about. How can we work together to make sure that you stay safe and that you get set up to be, um, a healthy, thriving adult.
[00:37:54] Right, right. The word successful is kind of funny 'cause there's a, there's a lot of definitions of that.
[00:37:58] Casey O'Roarty: I love that.
[00:37:59] Wendy Snyder: That's
[00:37:59] Casey O'Roarty: a healthy,
[00:38:00] Wendy Snyder: thriving adult, what that world looks like. Yeah. Healthy, thriving adult. And then with the humility when it comes to. mistakes. That's like my favorite, favorite land. And that's when like we really are just willing to admit, oh, we are super flawed.
[00:38:16] We are figuring this out just like you are. We will take responsibility for our part of the dance and. I don't know, in, in my own kids' lives and the lives of my students, they just respond so well to that. And one example of that would be when Stella was about 15, she started experimenting with like alcohol and vaping, like I think a lot of kids do on this planet.
[00:38:38] Yeah. I mean, that was way after me. I think Terry and I started getting like hammered at like 14. We grew up in Maryland, we've been together for 30 years. But like I'm pretty sure like there was the first like getting hammered in like seventh grade or something. So I was like, well, Stella made it a few more years.
[00:38:53] But when she started that, like we found out on like a Tuesday, she was vaping and drinking a little bit and we were just like, oh my God, what's happening? Right? Like we're a positive parenting family and she's a high level athlete, and oh gosh, this can't happen. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
[00:39:10] And for me, God was like, dude, we gotta talk like you, you gotta look at yourself first and you've been. Getting, like you've been drinking for three decades now. You started when you were 14. You've been thinking about giving up alcohol now for like four years. At 40, I got like a tattoo on my arm that says one.
[00:39:30] And I was like, if I can't have one damn drink and not going to three on a Tuesday night, then I'm gonna stop drinking. And then 43 came, 44 cam came, and I'm still like. I have trouble, you know, I would have trouble going to a wedding without like having my wine or Friday night at 5:00 PM I lived for it.
[00:39:46] And here I am trying to teach this kid. No, you don't need to put substances in your body. Just go out in the world and be sober and like, what are you thinking? You're an athlete. And so anyways, long story short, I was like, babe, I think I need to stop drinking and I think we should stop drinking. And he was like, yeah, I'm on.
[00:40:05] I'm on board. And so that was like three and a half years ago. We stopped drinking alcohol. We've never felt better in our life. We sleep like a baby now. We feel so much healthier and we have been able to model for Stella, like we're not just gonna come down on you. For putting substances in your body to try to like numb emotions and feel like you can relax, we're gonna actually show you the way.
[00:40:28] Yeah. Because it is hard, right? Yeah. Like it took us a few years to be able to go to a wedding or go to Mexico on vacation and not feel like we're missing out if we didn't have margaritas, like everybody. And so we got to journey with her. Yeah. And humbly admit, we're figuring this out too. And we do care.
[00:40:45] We do want you to have a different experience. We don't want you to grow up and be 35 and realize that you're wildly addicted to like Chardonnay and IPAs. Like, you know, but she, if we just got to be in it, so that, that is like just one example of how we've used humility as a strength to say, Hey, we are with you.
[00:41:04] We gotta figure this out too. And let us go first instead of expecting the kid to go first. Acting like we don't struggle with this at all. And then having like hypocrisy. They're in our home.
[00:41:26] Casey O'Roarty: That reminds me of when Rowan was having, you know, her time and dropping outta school and home and seemingly doing nothing. And I finally was able to get us into a DBT program, dialectic Behavioral Therapy, and there was a skills class for parents and their teen, and I went in, I was so. And I call it living out loud.
[00:41:52] And that's really what your husband, you and your husband did is you lived out loud you modeled and you spoke into this experience. And for me, going through that DBT program and being able to say, wow, I have a lot of skills and there's so much more for me to learn about being who you need me to be.
[00:42:12] And just like speaking into that, you know, I think it's so powerful when parents, like you said, can just 'cause our kids, our teenagers know that we don't know everything. Like so might as well like admit it out loud, you know? And I love what you said about how. You know how powerful that is for them, because it is a, like we are, I believe we're like emotional spiritual beings inside of the human body and the biology of the human body and the nervous system and the, you know, the brain development and how we learn patterns and learn conditioning.
[00:42:52] And, you know, so much lately I've been working just around like when I don't feel good, it's typically because the human part of me is not in alignment with that higher self, who knows better, not knows better, but just like sees a bigger picture. And sometimes I'm like, case, this whole thing is all a carnival ride, so you might as well throw your hands in the air and put a smile on your face and say again, again, again, let's do it again.
[00:43:25] Right. Yeah. Because it's just. I mean, it's both not that deep and it's deep.
[00:43:32] Wendy Snyder: Yeah. Yeah. Those triggers are no joke, right? Like
[00:43:35] Casey O'Roarty: yeah,
[00:43:36] Wendy Snyder: there's no joke.
[00:43:37] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. And talk about more about breaking generational cycles. 'cause you've mentioned that a couple times and I think that's one of the most courageous things that we can do as one, like you've said, recognize, oh, I'm a part of a cycle.
[00:43:50] Like I am a, I am an influence in the dynamic that is currently making me crazy, that I'm seeking parent coaching for, or a program for. It's courageous to recognize that and also can be really dis disorienting because we have to unlearn things. And that sometimes in the unlearning, like I just last night finished a six week class with a group that I'm actually, that are in my membership program.
[00:44:18] So I keep telling them, I know you just got the fire hose for six weeks, but we actually have. 10 more months to work together to integrate it, which is super awesome. But it is, like you said, it's that okay, now I'm aware and there's this gap that, okay, I'm aware of what's not helpful, but I'm unskilled in leaning into what is helpful.
[00:44:46] So how do we be, how do you support parents in being with that kind of precarious time, pre-conscious competence, right? Like they're more inside of the conscious incompetence and how uncomfortable that is.
[00:45:03] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:45:03] Casey O'Roarty: What's some support and, maybe again, it's, it has to do with humility.
[00:45:07] Wendy Snyder: Yeah. Well you mentioned the, the first thing you, spoke to was what is, you know, some of the gen painful generational cycles that you see.
[00:45:15] Right. And then that what happens is we build our awareness, right? And then it's kind of like, how do you stay in that regulated nervous system state so you can not like panic once you realize like, oh crap, I'm like part of this equation. I'm part of this dance.
[00:45:31] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:45:31] Wendy Snyder: Which is like, it is everything, right?
[00:45:34] Once you realize as a parent that like, it sure seems like, you're like, no, it's the kid. It's the kid, the kid. But then once you realize like you're just literally in a tango and all of life with our children and, and everyone in our life, but especially our children, um, it's just a dance. Like, and we have our part of the dance and we can step away at any time and the dance changes depending on the steps that we do.
[00:45:57] Um, but the painful generational cycles that we see in our work quite often are more the loud. So there's the loud ones, and then there's more the quiet ones. And so the loud ones I say of course, are like the family lineage of like yelling, right? Yeah. So like your mom yelled, your grandma yelled. That's just like how you got respect.
[00:46:16] That's, and then surprise, surprise, you're a yeller when you get triggered. Or, um, things like grabbing wrists too tight or being aggressive with kids, you know? That was my story. I used to put, um. Stella, especially down on naughty pads, like re you know, naughty Pads. That's like what some show taught me to do.
[00:46:35] Her first three years of life, the age of her. Um, she's five years old and she gets five minutes, right? Yep. Super Nanny, if you remember that show. But I would remember aggressively put her down. Um, I've written some really like vulnerable, honest articles, um, that people have loved, which felt really scary to publish some.
[00:46:53] But once I saw that response, I was like, oh, okay. This is the way I always wanna teach. Teach. Yeah, teach. But one was called, yeah. Um, I left Bruises. You can just Google it for sure. Family. I left bruises and then the one's called the night, I threw a book at my kid. But there's a lot of the loud. Family history, right?
[00:47:09] Like where you're like, okay, like last week I was skiing and I came out to walk, um, to my place and there was like full blown domestic violence happening at this rental. They're screaming at each other and I can hear the kids in the background, like, please stop screaming. There's a good chance that those kids will learn to grow up to have the same type of conflict resolution, which is volatile.
[00:47:31] Chaotic, right? Like that's, you also see like teen pregnancy, like those, those are painful generational cycles. Mm-hmm. For sure. And then, and then discipline is the same thing. Punishments in there. Um, but then the quiet ones are like brushing things under a rug, acting like everything's okay. Mm-hmm. Lack of emotional literacy.
[00:47:54] Depression. Um, anxiety. Anxiety can be a little bit louder, but a lot of times I see it like, mom, grandma, great-grandmother, the lack of ability to speak up, like, go, like going inward and um, submitting, right. Like, I'm trying to think of some others that would be more quiet. Well,
[00:48:16] Casey O'Roarty: yeah.
[00:48:17] Wendy Snyder: The passive handling conflict.
[00:48:19] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Passive aggressive. Like where my kids have said, yeah. You know, I know that's one that I have spent my time working on, because the kids will say, why are you mad? And I'll say, I'm not mad.
[00:48:30] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:48:31] Casey O'Roarty: Tell your face.
[00:48:32] Wendy Snyder: Yes.
[00:48:33] Casey O'Roarty: Tell your face.
[00:48:35] Wendy Snyder: Yeah. But
[00:48:36] Casey O'Roarty: those are ones that are like, energy is like, but okay, well
[00:48:41] Wendy Snyder: yeah.
[00:48:41] I'm
[00:48:41] Casey O'Roarty: just gonna kind of
[00:48:44] Wendy Snyder: Yeah.
[00:48:44] Casey O'Roarty: You know, do a lot of the high eyebrows. Totally. Which my husband, husband still is like, Hey babe, will you put your eyebrows down a little bit while we're having this conversation? And then I get to not be annoyed that he noticed and. Put my eyebrows on and carry on.
[00:49:00] Wendy Snyder: Yeah. So those are things that it's like, you know, um, once you realize, oh, I have that behavior, and then when I think about it, oh, my mom or dad modeled that behavior.
[00:49:11] Right. Like in the, the more, one of the more quiet ones for me that I mentioned, the lack of conflict resolution. Mm-hmm. Our family, I grew up with an older brother who was like, very followed, volatile in his teen years. Um, he did drop out of high school, but like, it wasn't, it wasn't like we're gonna work together.
[00:49:28] It was like, it was bad. He stole his college tuition, moved to California. He was known as like the school bully. He would like literally put people in high school. He is probably on steroids, like one of the star. Players on the football team, but just so like, he was the strong-willed kid that my parents never knew what to do with him.
[00:49:44] So they tried to do the classic stuff. Um, but we would have like giant arguments in our home and people would get upset, they'd yell at each other. And then when I became a teenager, same thing. Like I was like, you know, didn't know how else to work out conflict, so we'd yell at each other and I'd say, I hate you.
[00:50:01] And they'd be like, you're spoiled, like whatever. And then the next morning we would wake up and it'd be like, good morning, do you want, like, do you want breakfast? Do you want toast? And then we would just move on with life.
[00:50:12] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:50:14] Wendy Snyder: And it's like the lack of conflict resolution is a big one that I see.
[00:50:18] Mm-hmm. And it is, it jacks up families because mm-hmm. You just, it just bitterness and resentment grows, but you never talk about it. Lack of humility. Right. Like a parent that never takes responsibility. Right. Like that's a big one that we see where, um, you, you know, someone might be like, I have trouble taking responsibility because it was never modeled to you.
[00:50:39] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:50:39] Wendy Snyder: Your mom might have been like, sorry, but you know, if you didn't talk to me like that, then I wouldn't have had to yell at you. Like, sorry, but never nobody.
[00:50:47] Casey O'Roarty: Yes.
[00:50:47] Wendy Snyder: Sorry. But nobody ever, so that's a family lineage, right? Like these are all family lineage examples, and so it just takes a lot of courage to see the behavior and then say, oh, it makes sense.
[00:50:58] I'm not crazy. I didn't just. Come out of the womb and choose to become a yeller. Like, no, I inherited this a lot of times, nine outta 10 times I inherited it. It's my nervous system was conditioned the first decade for sure. Definitely the first two decades. And now I get to do something about it if I want.
[00:51:16] And the reality is it's gonna take a little bit of time. Mm-hmm. It took me eight years to stop yelling. and I still, like still to this day, I mentioned that the day I was getting frauded on the phone and experiencing deep emotions of hurt and scared, I took it out on my son, you know, 'cause he left a wrapper on the couch and the dog ate it.
[00:51:35] Um, so we still but it just to know that it's gonna take a while and then there's never gonna be perfection. But I think really Casey, it's like Jo finding the joy in the journey. Right. I think. It's, I have developed such a joy of like catching these limiting beliefs or behaviors and being like, Ooh, I see now that I can do something about this.
[00:51:59] It's like good news. Mm-hmm. Right?
[00:52:01] Casey O'Roarty: Yes.
[00:52:01] Wendy Snyder: I see people sit in when they, they have lack of awareness around it. They, it's like a victim mindset, right? They're like, I've tried everything. Nothing works. This person takes advantage of me. This kid never listens. Like it's not me. Like woe is me. And really that puts someone in such a pit of despair and frustration and looping.
[00:52:24] But as soon as someone's able to be like, oh, I see it. I see the mirror, I see it in my family lineage, and I'm willing to just show up and do the work and get the help that I need. And gosh darn it, I'm gonna make it fun. Yeah. And I'm gonna surround myself with a community that also finds joy. In doing this stuff.
[00:52:43] 'cause to me that's true power. Like when I get to the end of my life and I'm like, dude, I broke some pretty strong generational cycles and my children didn't inherit that. Ugh, it's gonna feel really good. And that's like what we're long term lifeing around. This is what I always like
[00:53:01] Casey O'Roarty: to say. Yes. I love that.
[00:53:03] And so quickly about your book. So it's called Fresh Start Your Family, and I love the permission that it gives fresh start, right? Yeah. And I wanna make it real for parents listening who might feel like. You know, too much has already gone wrong. Like I said, my people are parents of teenagers, and some of those teenagers, you know, they're in their last few years of even being at home and parents feel like I've lost the connection, or there's a pattern that's been going on for years that feels impossible to break.
[00:53:35] What does a fresh start actually look like in that kind of home? where can somebody who's listening right now like, okay, I'm ready for this. Where can they, where would be a starting point?
[00:53:46] Wendy Snyder: Yeah, well, um,
[00:53:50] Casey O'Roarty: fix all their problems, Wendy.
[00:53:52] Wendy Snyder: I know right? In two minutes, like, wins in two minutes.
[00:53:56] You know, I have two minutes left. So it's like, so I often say, you know, just if you've got kids later in life like that, I think taking away the elli like. What is that phrase? Like, like let's just talk about the elephant in the room. Um, things have gotten really hairy in our relationship, and I just want you to know, um, that I'm taking steps to figure some ways out that I can help us, um, because it's, it's, it's not your fault.
[00:54:31] Mm-hmm. Like that's what I would say to a kid. Yeah. I would say, it's not your fault. Um, and then I would say, Hey, I wanna introduce you to, to my, my new coach Casey. Like this is her face.
[00:54:43] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:54:44] Wendy Snyder: This is who I'm spending time with every week. And, um, and I just want you to know that I'm far from perfect. She's not gonna be able to fix everything for me, but I am entering into a season where I'm willing to look at my contribution and also just get some ideas on what might help us.
[00:55:02] Just get to a little bit higher ground when we have disagreements or when I want you to do something and you don't wanna do it. Um, and I just think that we're gonna be okay if we both, um, just stay connected. Yeah. Because I'm willing to do the work and I wanna show you what I'm doing. And then of course, like get yourself into some deeper healing stuff.
[00:55:25] So podcasts are great books, you know, books are great. Um, programs are great for sure. And I think like deep dives into some, some healing weekends. Um, yeah, we have a program called Freedom to Be that we teach once a year. That is like one weekend and we do healing through feeling that really like cuts the chains for people that have felt like they are just like, can't make a relationship better or, um, feel very powerless or like there's just.
[00:55:56] You know, it just works. Like when you do an intensive weekend, I know there's other programs like onsite and Yeah. Um, there's a bunch of 'em. Right. But those are like the fast
[00:56:06] Casey O'Roarty: love them
[00:56:07] Wendy Snyder: fast ones. Right. And freedom to be in our organization is like that. It is crazy. You come out glowing, you feel like cobwebs have just been cleared.
[00:56:16] You feel like you can smell better, hear better, um, but it takes some emotional work. Yeah. Because again, healing through feeling is usually where we see clients get the biggest lift. Yeah. You can learn a lot of information, you can try new strategies, uh, but a lot of times it does come down to. Releasing some of those, like deep belief systems, those limiting beliefs that you've been operating out of that have contributed to your contribution in the dance.
[00:56:43] Mm-hmm. and that can also look like a therapist. It can, literally look like hopping into the highest level of your program or my program. or if you just wanna start small and like read a book, like frustrate your family, then I would just show your kid and I would just have it be on the counter so they can see.
[00:57:00] But I would deliver the message of, um, this is what I'm doing to see what I can do to clean up my part of the dance. And I, I just, again, I, I lean super heavy into humility. So I would say like, you know, thank you for your grace with me. I'm figuring this out. You're my first kid, or you're my first strong-willed kid that blah, blah, blah.
[00:57:21] So I don't know. That's
[00:57:22] Casey O'Roarty: my
[00:57:22] Wendy Snyder: riff on that,
[00:57:23] Casey O'Roarty: Casey, if it makes sense at all. I love it. And I love what you're, what we are not saying, but is being communicated, which is. This is how much it matters to me.
[00:57:32] Wendy Snyder: Mm.
[00:57:33] Casey O'Roarty: This matters to me. Yes. This is how you matter to me. And I love that retreat option too. We do a, an annual, um, in-person retreat.
[00:57:41] Okay. And I have to let people know like, this isn't a weekend parenting workshop. This is about you and this is soul care. And this is deep diving through a bunch of different modalities to, you know, find your fullest expression and discover what's possible. And I love, and I'm a total retreat girl, like as far as participation as well.
[00:58:05] Like I love a good weekend deep dive and it's just so beautiful. And, you know, I. Just that, that idea that the inner work that we're doing and, and anybody can do it. I think what's unique about parents is that we have these children that are very unique vehicles for showing us are gaps and are places of growth.
[00:58:34] So true. Yeah. And I'm sure if people don't have children then it's a different, you know, relationship that will show up and provide, like you said, that mirror, but gosh darn it, the kid thing is just really relentless. It's like if you make it all the way to the teen years and you haven't started doing the inner work, like, okay, now's the time.
[00:58:53] Now's
[00:58:53] Wendy Snyder: the time. Now's the time. And I will say one last thing about that Casey is, um, is a, a teen can often present, like they don't give a, I dunno if we're allowed to curse on the show. We're like, they don't give a crap or whatever. Um, but they do. They do. Right. So they may act like when you're, like, you pour your heart out and you're like, Hey, I'm reading this book and I got this coach and I'm going to therapy now.
[00:59:15] And I'm, and you, you can feel like they're like, yeah, cool. Whatever, bro. Yeah. But trust me, trust us, they care like kids. Um, there's a letter I don't have right now, but it's this beautiful letter. I don't even know who wrote it, but it was like to the mom from a teen that was just like, please hang on.
[00:59:36] Don't,
[00:59:36] Casey O'Roarty: yeah,
[00:59:37] Wendy Snyder: give up on me. Please don't give up on me. And it's so beautiful because they present like they don't give a shit, but they do. They care. And I think most of us, I work with so many clients where they have strained relationships with their parents in their thirties, forties, fifties.
[00:59:51] They would give anything if at that point their parent were to come to 'em and be like, you know what, man? There's been a lot of education around psychology that's been developed in the last few decades, and I realize. I wish I would've done things a little differently.
[01:00:07] Casey O'Roarty: Mm-hmm.
[01:00:07] Wendy Snyder: And I want you to know that I booked myself a therapist and I started to work through different ways that I can have conflict with you when you wanna come to Christmas here and I wanna go there and we have the disagreement like, because I believe it's never too late.
[01:00:23] Like Yeah. You imagine like, yeah. Oh my God, if your parents said that to you, we all love our parents, but like if your parent came to you and just said that you would be like in a bucket of tears and I'm 48 years old. Yeah. So
[01:00:37] Casey O'Roarty: yeah,
[01:00:37] Wendy Snyder: just get over that like ego and just know that your kid doesn't care when you really deep dive, whether it's a book or committing to a program, or going to a weekend healing program, or finding a therapist and really doing it for a year, two, three years, every single week, month.
[01:00:57] Oh, it just matters. And every single human on the planet just wants to be close to the people that they love and yeah, we're all a work in progress.
[01:01:04] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, a hundred percent. So beautiful. Ah, alright, well your book comes out in May. Tell us where people can find you Yes. And follow your work. Yes. It's such a beautiful cover.
[01:01:18] This, this is audio, so everyone Wendy's book is so beautiful. It's like, so San Diego
[01:01:24] Wendy Snyder: audio only. Okay, well we can take a picture afterwards, but yeah, for sure. It is San Diego Vibes and the book comes out May 19th, but not sure when this will drop, if it drops before May 19th. Pre-order bonuses are spectacular.
[01:01:37] Awesome. Um, we have a lot of really great pre-order bonuses and um, pre-orders just really help offers. They are, are publishing houses. Um, places like Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or if you like to [email protected], um, is a great resource to be able. bookshop.org will actually ship books to you, um, from your local retailer.
[01:01:58] So that's a great, great place to go find it. But they will stock books based on pre-orders. So just thank you in advance. If anyone can pre-order all the bonuses that we're offering can be found at Fresh Start family online.com forward slash pre-order. But you can get the books wherever books are sold, and if it is before May 19th, just make sure you come tell us so we can get you all the fun bonuses.
[01:02:19] We also have a launch team. If anyone wants even more bonuses and special workshops and q and a sessions that we're doing and the launch team, you'll get invited to that after you pre-order the book. Besides that, I'm at Fresh Start, Wendy, on Instagram. Our podcast is called The Fresh Start Family Show and um, yeah, come find us.
[01:02:39] Casey O'Roarty: Beautiful, beautiful. What does joyful courage mean to you today?
[01:02:43] Wendy Snyder: Oh, joyful courage, I guess in the, realm of our conversation, it is really finding joy in the journey of healing and growing and expanding your heart and learning new tools and strengthening your family and being okay. Feeling scared sometimes.
[01:03:00] Yeah. Scared that you're failing, scared that you're messing it up, scared that you're not enough. Like that is just part of being courageous. So find joy in that because that's like humanity. We're together in that.
[01:03:12] Casey O'Roarty: Yes. Uh, Wendy, so great. Thank you so much for spending time with me.
[01:03:18] Wendy Snyder: Thank you so much for having me, Casey.
[01:03:19] This has been so, so much fun and thank you for the work that you're doing in the world. Your voice and your show and your community is so important.
[01:03:30] Casey O'Roarty: Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[01:03:58] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.