Eps 90: Larissa Dann is on Talking About How to Let Go of Consequences and Rewards
Episode 90
Today’s guest is Larissa Dann, a Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) trainer. We are discussing how to let go of consequences and parenting without rewards and punishments. Join us!
“Children don’t misbehave, they behave to meet a need.”
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Takeaways from the show
- Being assertive without alienating our children
- Using “I messages” to communicate needs
- Trusting our child’s desire to be helpful vs. presenting requests in a way that is prescriptive
- Using active listening to gain cooperation
- The limitations of contingent rewards
- The impact of rewards on motivation for cooperation – who are they cooperating for
- Omitting rewards to foster self-discipline and an inner locus of control
- Preparing children for adulthood by making them less dependent on the judgment of others
- Using relationship skills to help your child develop a moral compass
- The power of natural consequences in building resilience and developing internal judgments about right and wrong
- Trusting children to care and problem solve to find mutual solutions
- How children’s behavior is impacted by unmet needs
- Avoiding the temptation to attribute intent or take behavior personally
- The gift of imperfection and modeling accountability
- The benefit of modeling alternate skills to teach solutions instead of using punishments
- The impact we have on the world through our own parenting practices in the way we raise our kids
- Parenting as imparting soft skillsBrainstorming solutions to discomfort when the activity is non-negotiable
- Creating routines and agreements, doing with vs doing to and communicating expectations in a way that is an invitation to relationship
- Conflict as competing needsShifting language around what “works” to what is “helpful” – moving from control to partnership
What does Joyful Courage mean to you?
This is what it takes to be a child growing up in an adult’s world and it’s something we so often forget. Children so often are powerless and it takes courage for them to say no when we are the huge person in their life and when they think they might get into trouble and yet they are the most joyful beings on the planet. In the face of the most dire situations, children can somehow find that spark of joy that they can bring out from terrible situations. As a parent, it takes the courage of conviction, to parent against the flow of accepted parenting opinion and practice and the joy comes when you see your children flower and grow sometimes despite your many mistakes.
Resources:
Parent Effectiveness Training
Where to find Larissa:
Website l Facebook l Twitter l Instagram
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