By Casey O'Roarty

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Shifting from Worst Case Scenario to Trusting the Process With Our Teens

As I write this, it’s Spring!  My favorite time of the year.  I’m also tortured by it because we have days like today that are just glorious, and then we have days like three days ago where there was flippin’ snow on the top of the mountains across the lake that I can see from my office. I’m like, “where’s the spring?” So it’s this pendulum swing. But you know what, I’m here for it. It’s actually a great metaphor for teenagers. One day is sunny with bluebird skies, and you think, “Alright, we’ve landed, we’ve landed in the new season.” And then the next day is like rain and wind and storms. The metaphor of moving through adolescence.


I say this a lot, but this season of parenting is messy. The terrain of adolescence is rough. It is the nature of the path, it is the nature of the season.  Even when we are practicing our tools and setting up agreements and doing family meetings, it’s still a rough season. I always get excited when I get to say that to people because I think there’s a certain level of relief when you’re reminded, “Hey, this isn’t necessarily you not being enough, this isn’t necessarily your kids having issues. This is the terrain. This is how adolescence feels.” Granted, you might think, “Yeah, but this doesn’t look like what’s going on at my neighbor’s or my sister doesn’t seem to be having these issues with her teens.” It’s all relative. It’s hard and every single thing that happens, including the challenges that show up with our teens, are an opportunity for us to…

To learn, to grow, to expand, and to get curious.  


Last night, I had a guest facilitator come into my membership program and run a workshop. That guest facilitator was Brenda Zane. She’s been on the podcast, she runs HopeStream, which is a community for parents with kids that are struggling with substance use, abuse, misuse, or perhaps are in recovery. It’s an unbelievable service. She says, “I host the club that nobody wants to join.” She works with families whose kids are in the worst-case scenario, and I think a lot of us are holding back on this work of letting go of attachment, letting go of narrative, and allowing the experiences of life to be the teacher for our teens because we’re holding the worst-case scenario in our hearts.  


Here’s some of the worst-case scenarios that come up in conversations that I have with parents and come up on my own, if I’m not paying attention: 

We worry that our kids will become drug addicts. 

We worry that they’re going to get pregnant or get someone pregnant. 

We worry that they’re never going to move out. 

We worry that they can’t take care of themselves, that they don’t have the skills, they don’t have the drive. 

We worry that they’re gonna get hurt, like really, really hurt. 

We worry that they’re going to hurt someone else. 

We worry about them getting arrested. 

We worry that they’ll end up dead in a ditch. 


It’s something that is in the back of our minds. There are so many possibilities – the things that keep us up at night are those worst-case scenarios.


Listen, some of these things happen to people. People do become addicts. People do have unexpected, unplanned pregnancies. There are kids that are really struggling to move out. Sometimes kids do get hurt. They do hurt other people. They get arrested, and we lose our kids—these things happen. People make mistakes, they get hurt, they suffer the consequences. The tension of life itself lets itself be known, right? 


But, most of the time, those worst-case scenarios don’t happen. 


Most of the time, what does happen is that we make mistakes, and we learn from them. We make mistakes and someone we care about calls us out. We make mistakes and natural consequences happen that we have to live through, and we learn from those consequences. We see other people making mistakes and we think, “Ooh, I do not want that for myself.” So we learn. What else happens? We develop goals and our own dreams, and we want to protect them. So we make better, wiser choices. We develop relationships that matter to us, and we want to nurture them, and we want to be better for them. So we choose smarter, wiser, more healthy choices. Or we mature over time, and we see, “Hmm, that’s not really the best thing for me, I’m going to choose differently.” 


We have people in our life that are curious and non-judgmental, and we develop skills around self-reflection, and we learn to choose more wisely. This is what happens. 


This is the true teacher, right? Mistakes and experience.

The true teacher exists outside of the profound lectures that we want to give our kids – the true teacher lies in the experience and in that space held for reflection and thoughtfulness. This is where we learn. When we’re in the worst-case scenario mindset, we can’t expand the space for the possibility that maybe they’ll just screw up a little bit but end up okay.  

I have this great story that I got permission to share. This mom writes in, “Hey, I just want to share that the beliefs thing Casey is helping us bring awareness to is rocking my world. Yesterday, my daughter and I had scheduled to go to the pool at noon to help her get ready for a swim test that she has coming up. She had already canceled the pool session we set from the day before, and at 12:15, I asked her, you know, are you ready to go? She said, ‘I want to stay home and practice my music.’” Well, this mom’s immediate reaction was to be like, “What are you talking about? We have to go to the pool. We set this up. This is important for your swim test,” and she was feeling this rush of annoyance, frustration. “Ugh, why is she being so stubborn?” But she remembered what we’d been talking about and said, “Hmm, let me be curious.”

So she said to her daughter, “I’m really curious, what’s going on? What’s happening for you?” Her daughter explained that she really, really was focused on her music right now. She was feeling the pull to get better, and she felt that missing the pool session was worth it. So the mom responded, “Alright, we’ll stay home. I’m going to let this one go, and let’s figure out another time to go to the pool.”


Later that evening, her daughter came to her and said, “I’m really glad we didn’t go to the pool today. I really needed to get this practice in. Thanks for understanding.” It was such a relief for this mom to realize that by letting go and being curious, she was able to connect with her daughter in a meaningful way. This story highlights that when we shift our beliefs and approach, we can make space for our kids to have their own experiences and for us to stay connected and supportive.

So, let’s shift gears here and think about what we can practice. It is all about shifting our beliefs, being curious, and trusting our kids to learn and grow from their experiences. We might be in the midst of a worst-case scenario mindset—what if my kid becomes an addict? What if they get pregnant? What if they don’t move out? What if they get arrested or worse?—and that mindset often leads us to act out of fear, which can actually make things worse. 

Instead, what if we showed up from a place of trust and curiosity? 

Think about your worst-case scenarios. How are they affecting your interactions with your kids? How can you shift your mindset to create an open space for learning and growth? This week, practice shifting from fear to trust. Model the behavior you want to see. Engage in conversations that are grounded in curiosity rather than judgment.


Lastly, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the privilege I have in my parenting journey. I recognize that my experiences and concerns may not be universal. Many families face different challenges, and it’s important to acknowledge and address the systemic inequalities that impact marginalized communities. As we navigate our own journeys, let’s also consider how we can use our privilege to advocate for change and support those who face additional barriers.


I hope this resonates with you. If you want to dive deeper into these topics, join our Facebook group, “Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens.” Share your takeaways, discuss worst-case scenarios, and explore what you’re committed to practicing this week. I look forward to hearing from you!


Listen to this podcast episode here


Looking for parent coaching? Casey offers private coaching services. See more info here.




Author bio

Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed, is a facilitator of personal growth and development. For the last 15 years, her work has encouraged parents to discover the purpose of their journey, and provided them with tools and a shift of mindset that has allowed them to deepen their relationship with themselves and their families. Casey is a Positive Discipline Lead Trainer and Coach. She hosts the Joyful Courage podcast, parenting summits, live and online classes, and individual coaching. Her book, Joyful Courage: Calming the Drama and Taking Control of YOUR Parenting Journey was published in May 2019. Casey lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband, and two teenagers.

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