ShareTrusting My Teen Through the Driving Years
Recently, I had Jenell Kheriaty on the show to talk about school refusal and avoidance, which is a really messy and complex issue. If you haven’t listened to that one yet, I encourage you to check it out. In that conversation, we talked a lot about trust — not just trusting our kids, but trusting the process and trusting ourselves through the messy parts. That’s what I want to focus on again today: Trust.
As parents, it’s hard to trust, especially when we’re in a cycle of worrying about our kids’ future. There’s a lot of “what-ifs” that spin out of our minds. But here’s the thing: We can’t know the future, but we can learn to be more present and connected with our kids right now, which leads to more peace for all of us.
A parent in the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens group recently posted a question that really resonated with me, and I think it will be relevant to many of you. This parent shared:
“My kiddo is 15, and peers are beginning to drive as they’re all starting to turn 16 and get their licenses. I feel very unprepared on how to navigate this new freedom and responsibility. My kiddo is one of the younger ones in the group, so she’ll be among the last to be driving, and her getting into other cars with new drivers makes me nervous. We’ve talked about seat belts, speeding, drugs, and alcohol, and that she can always call me to pick her up with no questions asked. I just want her to be safe, and I don’t want anyone driving impaired. How else can I navigate these new challenges and calm my own mama nerves about this?”
First of all, I love this question. So real, so raw. Many of us are either in this stage with our kids or we’re about to be. I definitely get it. I had those same nerves when my kids first started driving. It’s terrifying, right? Watching them pull away from the driveway, hoping they’ll be safe while at the same time knowing they’re going to make mistakes — because that’s how they learn. We all did. This parent is already doing the right things by having the safety conversations, setting expectations, and offering her support. But now, it’s about navigating the nerves and trusting her daughter will be okay, even when she makes mistakes.
So, let’s talk about how to reframe this situation and offer some tools to help both you and your teen through this stage. We all experience our teens starting to drive with a level of fear and trepidation. I mean, they’re driving a vehicle! Let’s be real, they’re babies behind the wheel, right? They have no real concept of experience over time. Yet, here they are, in this position of power. They’ll eventually figure it out, but the ride is bumpy.
Yes, we won’t always be able to protect them. They might make bad decisions — the key here is not to avoid that possibility, but to create a relationship where they know they can come to us for help if things go sideways. They need to trust that their mistakes are part of their learning process and that we will be there for them, no matter what.
So, how can we handle this? Here are a few things I’d suggest:
1. Keep having all the conversations.
This isn’t a “one and done” kind of topic. Keep checking in. Talk about drugs and alcohol, texting while driving, and safe driving habits, but also bring it up in the context of everyday life — in movies, TV shows, stories from the news, etc. Just keep it part of the conversation.
2. Use observation and critical thinking.
This kiddo is on the younger end of the friend group, so she has the advantage of watching how her peers navigate driving before she’s behind the wheel. This can be a great opportunity to engage her in thinking critically about the choices others are making. For example:
- “How are your friends liking driving? Do any of them seem to be making risky choices behind the wheel?”
- “How does it feel to be in the car with someone who’s just learning to drive? Would it be hard to say ‘no’ to a friend who wanted to drive you around but didn’t have their six months yet?”
- “Do you feel comfortable calling me to pick you up if you’re ever in a situation where you don’t feel safe?”
3. Set clear expectations.
As I said before, driving is a privilege, not a right. This is a great time to talk about responsibility and consequences. If your teen makes a mistake while driving — whether that’s speeding, texting, or putting themselves in an unsafe situation — it might be time to take a break from driving. I’m not suggesting punishment, but I do think it’s important to highlight that driving is a big responsibility, and they need to take it seriously. So, set clear expectations about what responsible driving looks like and what happens if those expectations aren’t met.
4. Calm your own nerves.
I know how terrifying it can be to let go and trust that your kid is going to be okay. But I’ve found that doing some personal growth work around my own fear is super helpful. One thing I do is practice box breathing when I feel my nerves starting to spin out. It helps me re-center and shift my mindset. Let’s do a quick round of box breathing together now:
- Inhale for a count of 4: 1, 2, 3, 4
- Hold for a count of 4: 1, 2, 3, 4
- Exhale for a count of 4: 1, 2, 3, 4
- Hold for a count of 4: 1, 2, 3, 4
Keep doing that for a few rounds. How do you feel?
Breathing like this sends a calming message to your nervous system, reminding you that you’re okay. That can make a huge difference when you’re feeling overwhelmed with fear.
5. Let go.
The teen years are all about letting go. They’re moving towards autonomy, and as parents, we have to give them the space to learn — even if it means making mistakes along the way. When we get too tied up in their journey, it makes our own life harder. So, practice letting go and trusting that your teen is on their own path.
It’s hard. I know. But it’s also a beautiful opportunity to grow alongside your teen. By fostering open communication, setting clear expectations, and managing your own fears, you’ll be able to support your kiddo through this learning process and build a stronger relationship as you do.
From Joyful Courage Episode 527
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