ShareWhat to Do When Nanny Kids Bite
The first time I encountered a biting situation, I was caring for two absolutely delightful toddlers in a nanny share. These kiddos had grown up together since they were about six months old and had become great friends. Both were (and continue to be) kind, loving, and sweet children, so I knew the biting wasn’t a sign of aggression or “being mean.” However, on one ordinary afternoon, one of my sweet little ones bit the other hard on the arm. Tears and screaming ensued, but fortunately, thanks to Positive Discipline, I felt confident in how to handle the toddler biting.
First, let’s take a moment to understand the background of biting. Often, children bite because they’re frustrated and simply don’t have the verbal communication skills to express their needs – biting becomes an impulsive response. Fortunately, as children grow and develop language skills, biting typically fades, usually by around age 3. Knowing that biting is a common phase most children go through can help us stay calm during these situations. It’s important to supervise and stay close to young children, especially if biting has been happening recently, and keep an eye out for any triggers that seem to lead to biting. In some cases, a child might bite due to teething and physical discomfort. If you suspect this is the reason, try offering teething rings or cool, damp washcloths as alternatives for them to bite on.
So, keeping that in mind, what do we do when this behavior actually occurs? We need to act immediately and stop the biting by being firm and kind at the same time.
Take a deep breath and make sure you’re calm – when we are stressed, it exacerbates the situation. Keep the language simple and minimal: “No biting.”
Let’s start by focusing on the child who was bitten, while keeping the biter close by to help with the repair process. First, check if there’s any blood drawn – we want to address any first aid needs immediately. If it’s not disruptive and you have your phone on hand, taking a photo can be helpful to share with the parents later. As for the child who bit, we can support them by modeling appropriate behavior. You might say something like, “Ouch! That bite hurt. Let’s go get our friend an ice pack and a band-aid.” Encourage the child who bit to come along and help with the mending process. However, if they’re too upset or resistant, don’t force it – just focus on modeling and providing support for now.
Once the physical injury is taken care of, it’s time to shift focus to the hurt feelings. We want to show kindness and support to both children. This is a great moment to move into your time-in space. I’ll focus on comforting the child who was bitten, saying things like, “Ouch! That hurt. I’m sorry you got a big bite,” while keeping the child who bit close by. Offer hugs, gentle touches, and comfort. It’s also important to follow up with the child who bit, giving them a script for the next time. You might say something like, “You were so mad. You wanted that bear, and she had it. You bit her. No biting. Next time, you can say, ‘I want a turn,’ or use the ‘my turn’ sign.” These are small steps we take to plant seeds for the future. A young toddler won’t be able to use these exact words later that day, but we’re scaffolding their communication skills. Over time, maybe in just a few short months, they’ll be able to use that script on their own. We’ll stay together in the time-in space until everyone is feeling better and is ready to move on. These steps are also what I use if I’m the one who’s been bitten.
Last, let the parent(s) know about what happened, including what occurred before the incident, how severe the bite was, and how you handled the situation afterward. Parents of the child who bit and parents of a child who were bitten are all going to be concerned about an incident like this, but they’ll be relieved they have a nanny who competently handled it.
There are some outdated strategies for handling biting that we now know are not best practice. For example, please don’t bite the child back to “show them how much it hurts.” That’s incredibly confusing — you’re saying “don’t bite,” and yet you’re biting! Similarly, using soap or hot sauce as a consequence makes the situation worse and is not effective. Time-outs, ignoring the child, yelling, or other forms of punishment won’t address the root of the issue in the long term.
Instead, let’s focus on teaching and coaching so we can help reduce biting, rather than making the child feel worse.
Another quick tip: avoid playing games where you pretend to gently bite or “eat up” babies and toddlers. It’s confusing if we treat biting as a game when we’re also trying to teach that biting others is not okay.
Being prepared for a bite is helpful because it can happen so quickly and is such a common occurrence. Knowing how to handle the situation will help you stay calm and manage it effectively, allowing you to move on with your day.
Resources: “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years”
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