Eps 597: From Shut Down to Open Heart – Using Validation to Reconnect with Your Teen

Today, Joyful Courage means doing the work to support others without being attached to the outcome. It also means being unapologetic about taking the time you need to do the things that fill your soul, and trusting that others can be with their own experience of it.

Resources:

Referenced Experts/Theories:

• Dr. Steven Porges (Polyvagal Theory)

• Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson (validation, brain science, emotional safety)

• Jane Nelsen (Positive Discipline principle: “Children do better when they feel better”)

Eps 290: SOLO SHOW-Validation, Mutual Respect, Back to School

Eps 299: SOLO Show- Tips on Validation

Transcription

JC Ep 597 (8.7.25) - Final
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hey. Hi everybody. So happy to be coming back at you today with a brand new show. Yay. How are you? How is it going out there in parenting land? I am really excited to be publishing this episode while I'm out in Colorado in the Roaring Fork Valley. With friends and family and I'm heading out to see my very favorite band Rock, the stage in Vail in Grand Junction this weekend.
[00:01:56] This is totally my happy place. I. Love having a collective bliss throw down on the dance floor. It's truly where my soul lights up and it's just so fun. Did you listen to the interview that I shared on Monday with Dr. Rami Kaminsky about Verts? Oh my gosh. You guys, this conversation has made. Such a massive impact on me and given me so much insight on a few of my primary relationships, specifically with my husband.
[00:02:31] Ultra version is real and it's really real over here. I am a group girl. I'm a group girl. I love being part of a group. I love having a posse. I love the sense of belonging that being a part of a group gives me and it truly just lights me up. And you know, I'm married to this guy who could care less about the group.
[00:02:53] In fact, group dynamics kind of make him a little bit crazy sometimes, and this has led to so many dramatic moments for us over the years where he wants to take off and do his own thing. And gets mad at me for wanting to stick with the group. But this new information that I got from this interview, it just makes so many things make such better sense.
[00:03:18] And you know, when I think about my girl, my daughter, how much angst I could have not fed into with my concern that she wasn't out there wanting to be part of a collective, that there was like something wrong. That she didn't seem to wanna be a part of a, a group of friends. And it just kind of breaks my heart when I think about the messages that I was sending her about that both spoken and unspoken.
[00:03:44] And I used to joke about how happy everyone would be if they could just see the world the way that I see it, because clearly my lens was the lens, I mean. Who the hell do I think I am? Right? I actually love that we're all unique and different. I love that we can bring diverse perspectives to different situations, and I get to be really honest and own that I am continuously peeling back my own layers of judgment.
[00:04:15] To discover where there's more learning and growth. And guess what you guys, I feel like my superpower is that I'm okay with that. I am okay with the fact that there's ever more layers to peel back. There's ever more ways that I get to grow in my own perspective and the way that I see the world because you know, we're all making massive assumptions.
[00:04:39] We all think that we're right. We wanna look good and. It makes an impact on our relationships, so we get to do the work to get better about that and broaden our perspectives. That's it. That's the work, and it never ends, and it can feel exhausting or it can feel exhilarating when I think about learning about how to be ever better for myself and for others, yay.
[00:05:04] In a world where there is so much big, crazy violent. Nonsensical shit that's going on, shit that feels impossible to have an impact on. I am here. To work on bringing peace and joy and acceptance and possibility into my little micro world, right? So yeah, verts seeing you all out there with no FOMO and appreciating all you bring to the mix, that is humanity, right?
[00:05:38] So yeah, listen to that show if you haven't already.
[00:05:44] So today I am excited for the content that I'm bringing. I have told you this before, but things come up in my coaching and working with parents that are truly thematic themes that show up in my membership, my own experience. I mean, it's always so interesting to me to recognize like, oh, I was just talking about this with another parent, or I was just thinking about this around my own parenting, and lately, here's what I'm hearing.
[00:06:12] During my calls, I'm hearing a sense of frustration, feelings of irritation, defeat, de desperation. I'm hearing some hopelessness, some powerlessness, and the language that I'm hearing. Is, I've tried everything. Nothing works. My teens completely shut me out. They don't care about what I think. They won't talk about hard things.
[00:06:38] I only get one word answers. There's a real fray happening in relationship, and it's manifesting as teens just not wanting to engage with a parent. Right. And when we get into the details of what's happening, here's the common thread. The teen is struggling. The teen is feeling deep discouragement, and from the outside looking in, it may seem like the teen has totally given up completely, is unwilling to change or take care of themselves in a way that would improve the experience that they're having.
[00:07:17] From the outside looking in, it may seem like the teen wants nothing to do with their parent. They may even seem hostile or perhaps just sad, right? Anybody relating to this, and I do wanna make a caveat here, right? Mental health is real and there are definitely kiddos that need more support than we can give them.
[00:07:37] So I'm trusting you. The listener to listen to yourself and find the support that you or your teen or your family needs if it's outside of the family. Right. So just wanna say that, speak that. So, yeah, this theme of the discouraged teen, the defeated parent, and seemingly know willingness to move forward into problem solving or making things better, right?
[00:08:02] This is something that I'm seeing with a lot of the clients that I'm talking to, and when I hear. Well, we've tried everything. I get kind of excited because I know that there is something so powerful in human relationship that we can do, and often we skip it because we're so anxious to fix whatever's going on with our kids.
[00:08:25] And believe me, I know this desire to fix. I know the desire to move into problem solving. I know it intimately you guys. We wanna fix what's going on because it's so deeply painful to watch our teens struggle. We all have a different tolerance for their discomfort. I acknowledge that, but I think across the board, big hearted, loving parents.
[00:08:54] Have a threshold for discomfort, and once it's met, we wanna spring into action. It's a safety mechanism for us, and here's why. Jumping into fix it or problem solving mode isn't as useful as we want it to be. So in case you haven't noticed teens shut down or they push back. When they feel judged or dismissed, when they feel rushed into problem solving, when they feel pressured to feel differently than they do, they're having very real experiences and their lens, while it still has so much life experience to continue to develop and evolve their lens.
[00:09:38] Right now, today, in this moment, their lens is valid. Their feelings are valid. And they make sense to them, right? It makes sense to them. And so we jump in wanting to fix and their experiences. You're judging me, you're dismissing me, and you're making it out as if how I feel is not okay.
[00:10:13] So if you are unsure, if you go into fix-it mode, I have a few scenarios for you and see if you can hear yourself in them. So Teen walks in and says, I hate school. I'm so stressed, it's so stupid. Fix it mode. Sounds like, well, let's talk to your teacher. Let's find out if you can get some extra credit. I'll email the school.
[00:10:34] Right. The impact that we make when we show up that way is that our teens feel unheard, and the conversation might end quickly. Anybody been there super real for me right now. Another thing we do is we minimize or dismiss their feelings. So a teen walks in, nobody likes me, I have no friends. Parent fix it mode.
[00:10:59] Sounds like that's not true. You have so many friends. You're so great. You're such a good friend to people, right? The impact is on our teens that they feel their emotional reality is invalidated, in which case they shut down or they escalate. They argue in the end. What they don't do is feel, again, feel that sense of being seen and understood and heard in their experience, and that's really real.
[00:11:29] Another thing that we do well-meaning loving parents, you and me both. We give unsolicited advice or lectures. This one is so familiar to me right now. So teen walks in, I'm gonna fail this class, fix it mode. Sounds like, well, maybe you need to study harder or what I like to say, maybe you should study differently.
[00:11:48] Do it differently to get different results. Find a tutor, right? No more phone until your grades are up. The impact of this is that teens feel blamed or controlled instead of supported. Again, they feel misunderstood. They don't feel seen, they don't feel validated in how they're experiencing life. Shame might replace trust.
[00:12:14] We are no longer people that they come to because we're not seeing them in their experience. And then finally, this final, well, I have actually a couple more scenarios. So let's see. This is a good one. The teen says, I had the worst day ever. Well, we fix it. Did you talk to the counselor? Did you eat lunch?
[00:12:33] How long have you been on your phone? Here's what you could do differently tomorrow. Again, this teen isn't ready for solutions. They wanna be heard first. Teen walks in says, I'm never trying out for the team again. I suck at everything. Fix it mode can sound like, well, that's ridiculous. You're actually really talented.
[00:12:52] Stop being dramatic. Get over yourself. Right? Logical reassurance misses the emotional need that's being expressed, and the teen feels misunderstood. They might feel alone. So when we jump into fixing mode because of our own discomfort with whatever they're bringing us, typically. We unintentionally send some messages.
[00:13:17] Messages that sound like your feelings are wrong. I don't trust you to figure this out. You're not good enough. And again, this makes sense because you know, it makes sense that we wanna go into fix it mode because we do have a broader, more experienced perspective, and we can see a road, we can see what's coming with all the possible outcomes.
[00:13:41] Here's the deal. Jumping into fix it mode just isn't as useful as we think it is, as many of my clients mentioned because they've tried it right, and they keep trying it expecting new and different results. When we look through the positive discipline lens, we get to remember that connection comes before correction or redirection.
[00:14:02] You know, connection is where we feel seen, felt, and understood. Connection is where we can attune to each other. Teens are seeking autonomy and identity. This is brain development, not a character flaw. And when we jump into fixing things, it can feel like mistrust or rejection and it can actually really hurt.
[00:14:25] And then it makes sense that our teens are shutting us out, right? So that powerful tool that I mentioned a bit ago that's useful with these teens where we can go instead of into fix it mode. Validation, validation and deep listening are what so many of our teens need. Really, it's what they crave. It's what we all crave.
[00:14:50] We wanna be attuned to. We wanna feel seen and accepted. All of us, especially our teens, they wanna be believed and held in what they're moving through or what they're experiencing. Right, and here's the deal. Validation does not mean agreement. It means acknowledging their reality without judgment. And here's what research says about validation and emotional safety.
[00:15:22] Emotional safety is a biological need. When teens feel seen, heard, and validated, their nervous system shifts from threat to regulation. So when we manage our own stress about what they're moving through or sharing with us, we engage in co-regulation, right? And this comes from research, parent validation and calm presence.
[00:15:49] Helps teens feel self-regulation, right? It helps them move in that direction. It also reduces stress and hormones like cortisol. Cortisol prevents the brain from growing, and it keeps us in that fight or flight place. So we want to be someone that can support them in co-regulation. Feeling understood.
[00:16:12] Signals safety to the nervous system, which again moves our kids out of fight or flight. And when we actively and intentionally validate our teens, we activate the social engagement system in the brain. This is from the polyvagal theory, from Dr. Steven Porous. And what we continue to learn through the work of Dr.
[00:16:34] Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson, is that validation opens the door to collaboration and problem solving rather than defensiveness. Right? Connection and empathy activates the prefrontal cortex, allowing. Higher level thinking and collaboration to enter the room, right? So the bottom line is validation is not letting them off the hook.
[00:16:59] It's not letting them get away with anything. It's actually the first step to regulation trust and real influence.
[00:17:10] So bringing it back to my clients validation was something that was missing. Like I mentioned, these parents have tried everything, but when I asked if they had simply been with their teen and their discouragement without trying to fix it, without trying to problem solve, without trying to redirect, most of the time the answer was no.
[00:17:31] Especially when I asked. Do you feel like your kiddo feels like you have sat with them in their experience? Do you think that your teen is experiencing you as holding that what they're moving through is real and valid? Right. A lot of times when parents were really honest with themselves, the answer was no.
[00:17:55] So this is where I've been spending so much of my time with my clients lately, coaching them around validating what their teen is moving through, what their teen is holding. So what does validation sound like? Here's some language. So first scenario, a teen fails a test and says, I'm so stupid, right? We validate when we say something like, it sounds like you're feeling super disappointed and frustrated with yourself right now.
[00:18:25] I get why you would feel this discouraged. Tests can be so tough instead of you just need to study harder or you're not stupid. Stop saying that. Right again. This one. This one you guys. This one. Oh my God. It hit so close to home for me right now with Ian and calculus. Remember, we respond this way to meet them where they're at, to help them feel seen and felt.
[00:18:53] To soften the energy to regulate and support and co-regulating their nervous system. When the nervous system becomes more regulated, our teens have access to the prefrontal cortex, and eventually we'll become more willing to move forward and to look at things from a different perspective. But right now, in this moment, we're just helping them feel understood and not alone.
[00:19:18] Right. It's powerful. Second scenario, your teen, your kiddo isn't invited to a party and says something like, Ugh, nobody likes me. Right? Validating sounds like, oof, feeling left out like that really hurts. It sounds you're feeling lonely and maybe a little rejected. I get that friend stuff can be rough, right?
[00:19:44] We gotta be with them in their angst. And this is a response in contrast to like, that's not true. You have so many friends, don't worry, it's not a big deal. Right. Our own discomfort getting in the way. It makes sense that the instinct is to counter their claim of no one liking them with something more positive to try to change their mind, but like has been mentioned.
[00:20:08] This dismisses the very real experience that they're having and the feelings that they're having, and can lead them to shutting us out and not trusting that we can be there for the hard things, right? Another scenario, teen comes home upset, slams the door, storms in everything sucks. How do we validate?
[00:20:29] We can say something like, oof, you're having a hard day. Wanna sit for a bit? Before we talk about it, or God, it sounds like today really piled on. I'm here for you if you wanna vent or if you just wanna be quiet together, right? Instead of calm down or what's happened now or immediately offering advice.
[00:20:49] And this is a place where I for sure get stuck. This one is so tricky because. When our teens barrel into the room full of their emotion and their angst and their irritation, our mirror neurons, our nervous system gets triggered and gets hooked so easily into their emotional experience rather than staying grounded in our own.
[00:21:17] And this is a time for us to really double down in our own self-awareness and choose to do what we need to do to keep our nervous system from getting hijacked. Easier said than done, right? This is where that map. Aligned Practice acronym comes in, right? Our own personal work of staying regulated when our teen is really heightened in their emotional state.
[00:21:41] And then finally, maybe the scenario is that our teen admits that they messed up, that they lied, that they got in trouble, they broke a rule, they got a bad grade, right? A validating response could sound like, you know, I can see how hard it was to tell me that. I really appreciate your honesty. Or I can imagine you're feeling really nervous about how I'm gonna react.
[00:22:04] Thank you for trusting me with this, rather than why would you do this? Or you know better, how dare you. Being responsive and validating keeps the door open for further sharing. Being reactive is a quick way to make sure the door stays shut. And I just wanna say, you know, validation, it's not about like, just be validating and your teen will trust you and change how they feel about you.
[00:22:36] The idea here is we get to shift in how we're responding and relating to our teen, and we get to shift over and over and over again. We get to shift our way of being with them towards this place of validation so that over time we are moving the relationship into a new space. And we are providing evidence that we can handle things that we understand.
[00:23:08] We seek to understand that we accept them for who they are in this moment, that we're a safe place for them. This happens over time, right? This isn't a tool of, okay, well okay, I'll try this and we'll see what happens. Like don't just try it, be it. Let this become a part of who you are for them. That's when you're gonna see a shift.
[00:23:32] And if you need a formula, although again, validation without authenticity, it's all gonna land flat. And your teen's gonna feel like you're trying to manipulate them or lay a trap. And if you need a formula, if this feels, if you need a little bit more of a structured breakdown, validating sounds like naming the feeling that you see or hear.
[00:23:56] Reflecting the experience that they're having without judgment or a quick fix. And then pausing. Pausing and listening before moving into guidance or problem solving. And listen this pause, you know, it might be for a few minutes. It's probably gonna be for a few hours or even a few days or longer, right?
[00:24:19] We don't need to move into guidance and problem solving as quickly as we think we do. Sometimes validation is all that they need to move forward. They just need you to see them. And keep in mind this positive discipline principle, Jane Nelson. She says, children do better when they feel better. Listening is the first step to helping them feel better.
[00:24:51] All right, so I wanna share with you an easy way to keep this in mind as you are in the day-to-day work of parenting and just living your life, right? I have an acronym for you. I have an acronym for you. Remember the acronym map that came out, I just mentioned it a few months ago. Mirror Align practice.
[00:25:11] It was all about how to maintain alignment with what you want most, your values. While navigating tough situations and then just being committed to practicing. Listen to episode 5 81. If you want to revisit the MAP acronym. So today, the acronym I have for you, I love, I'm so excited about it, is Vibe. Vibe, how to truly see and hear your teen.
[00:25:36] You gotta. You gotta find the vibe. So vibe stands for V Obvious validate name, the emotion you see without judgment. Wow. It can sound like, wow, you seem super frustrated about what happened today. I inquire with curiosity. So we're gonna validate and then we might inquire. Right. We might ask open-ended questions that show an interest, not an interrogation.
[00:26:08] So you seem really frustrated. Ugh, that sounds really awful. Do you wanna tell me more about what made today so hard? Right. So we get to draw forth, continue to find out what's going on for them, and hold a space for them to share. Be, breathe, be present. Regulate yourself, teens. Feel your energy, your calm, even more than your words.
[00:26:39] So this is really taking a pause, staying grounded, right? And then finally, e empathize. Embrace silence. This is really hard for me. So sit in the discomfort with them instead of rushing to solve whatever the challenge is. So, man, I can really feel that this is overwhelming to you, and I'm here with you.
[00:27:04] Vibe, validate, inquire, breathe, empathize. Love it, right? Important to remember, this is not the time to teach, preach, or fix. Once the teens feel authentically validated and feel connected, they're more open to exploring solutions together. We're increasing the likelihood that over time as we continue to choose vibe, they're gonna soften into being willing to share the space of problem solving with them.
[00:27:40] So good, right vibe. High vibes. High vibes people. Create the vibe. Find the vibe because otherwise you're killing the vibe and you'll find yourself and your teen in that place of deep discouragement, vibe, validate, inquire, breathe, empathize. Remember curiosity questions, right? Here's some practical application and positive discipline tools.
[00:28:06] Curiosity questions. What do you need right now? What's your plan? Right. How can I be supportive? What and how? Questions. Another thing you can also be doing alongside of this is implementing family meetings as a space where solutions are co-created. They're not forced, right? We get to be relationship first.
[00:28:27] We get to see, feel, experience, accept where our kiddos are at. Before we move into problem solving, once teens feel that sense of safety, of being seen, of being validated, they become more open to problem solving. They are more trusting of their parents' guidance, and they're more resilient in the face of challenges.
[00:28:55] And isn't that what we want? Right. Resilient in the face of challenges. There's a quote that I love and I looked it up to see who said it. I don't know who said it, but I love it. The bridge to influence is paved with validation. Let that just sit in the space. I'm gonna say it again. The bridge to influence is paved with validation and we love influence here.
[00:29:22] Not influence to control, but influence that gets us a seat at the table. Right? And that's I think, what we all want. We want a seat at the energetic table where our teens are coming to make their decisions to critically think about their choices. To take action. We wanna be one of the many voices at the table and one that maybe is, you know, in the front row versus the back row, right?
[00:29:54] We wanna a seat at the table.
[00:30:01] So that's what I got for you today. Vibe validation. Inquiry breath empathy, right? This is what I really encourage you to be practicing with your teens. The next time they come to you upset, skip the fix. Skip the problem solving right, or don't skip ahead to that. Really don't leapfrog over. This rich opportunity to focus on the vibe, focus on the validation.
[00:30:32] Connect first, problem, solve later, right? I invite you this week to try this tool and share with me, share how it shifts your dynamic. If you're in the membership, head into our membership space and talk about how you're using vibe to support your teens. If you're in the Joyful courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group show up in there.
[00:30:53] How are you playing with Vibe? Right? How are you shifting the vibe? I just did a program in June called Rekindle the Vibe. How are you rekindling the vibe with this work of validation? Right? So good. So good. That's what I've got for you today, my friends. Monday is a, uh, solo show. It's a replay that I did of a show about.
[00:31:20] What I see as big moves that we need to be making with our middle schoolers. So those of you that have kids that are moving into middle school or in middle school, there's gonna be a lot of takeaways in that show. So I'd encourage you to listen or re-listen with new ears. And if you have older teens, I would encourage you to listen too, because you get to be in the mindset of what's here for me?
[00:31:41] How can I take what she's talking about? In the context of the middle school years and apply it to later teen years. 'cause it, it's there, there's, there's gold there for you too. There's gold there for you too. Okay. Take care of yourself today. Take a walk, drink plenty of water, call a friend, breathe, take care of you so that you can take care of your people.
[00:32:04] I love you. I'm so grateful to get to spend time with you, and I will, uh, see you next week. Have a great weekend. Bye.
[00:32:17] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my s Spreadable Partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good as I mentioned. Sharing is caring.
[00:32:34] If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected].
[00:32:54] I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.