Eps 591: Dismantle Walls and Deepen Your Bond with your Teen

Joyful Courage continues to be all about trust, and being brave enough to allow myself to feel the way I want to feel in the present moment.

Resources mentioned:

EPS 372: SOLO What it means to pass on the energetic responsibility to our teens

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hi, everybody. Welcome back. I'm so glad that you're here. Truly, it is such an honor for me to speak directly to you and the fact that you tune in each week and check to see. What I have to say and that you find value in my message. It's humbling and exciting and I'm just so grateful for it. There's so many voices out there and you keep coming back to me and I just really appreciate.
[00:01:54] It means so much to me. I do not take you for granted. And yeah, I've mentioned this before, this summer, I'm finding that I really need to lean into. The library of past shows and content that I have, and I've been getting great feedback from all of you who are listening to some of the content for the second time and speaking into how differently it's landing because you know, time's gone on, you're finding that you have different challenges and Yeah.
[00:02:26] And isn't that so rad? How the content lands differently when you're in a different age or stage? Parenting. I think that's so cool and I'm really excited about it. So today you get a new show. I have some new content for you, but it's actually not new content because it's things that I like to talk about, which is control and energetic responsibility.
[00:02:53] We're gonna talk about. The walls and the armor that we put on, that our kids put on, that we build, that gets in the way of relationship and about how we might be unintentionally getting in the way of our kids' growth. And also perhaps feeding into the disconnection that we're experiencing with them. And you know, here I like to talk about the adolescent years, the years of.
[00:03:21] Tween Agere and teenager. This is such a slippery, exciting, intense, all the things kind of time of life for our kids. They're in that in-between of childhood and adulthood and yeah, this work that I talk about here, a lot of it centers vulnerability, and I invite you into a lot of realness. Personal growth, I think is vital to the experience of moving through parenting.
[00:03:56] And today as we do, we're gonna really step into self-awareness and authenticity as well as some humility. And this is really big. This is where. Personal growth meets the positive discipline philosophy of mutual respect and curiosity and connection. I think that, you know, I'm just coming off of this weekend in Dallas, Texas where I had the opportunity to.
[00:04:28] Be on the planning committee for our annual conference for the Positive Discipline Association. So educators and trainers and lead trainers came together from all over the world. We had people from the Middle East, people from China, people from Europe, south America, central America. I mean, it was such a beautiful mix of people from all over the world, all different cultures standing inside of what we all had in common, which is deep reverence for the work of positive discipline for AD Lian theory, which is the foundation where positive discipline comes from.
[00:05:10] For Jane Nelson, who is the author. Of so many of the positive discipline books that we all know and love, she was there. It was so fun. And as a planner of think tank, it was really important to me. To invite the room, which again, the room was facilitators and coaches and people that are teaching and practicing positive discipline.
[00:05:37] I really wanted to invite them as well into their personal growth and development. So it was a really deep invitation this weekend. We did a lot of work around the process of giving and receiving feedback. We did a lot of deep work around belonging through equity and inclusion, as well as really learning the business of putting our message out there, right?
[00:06:05] Personal growth is embedded in my experience, in my opinion, in the work of parenting and positive discipline. I'll tell you what I know I've mentioned this before. You know, I'm kind of in this experience right now of having my kids share with me the, what they're connecting around some of my parenting and the way that I showed up when they were young and some of the, you know, some of the things that are getting in the way for them, some of the limiting beliefs and you know, the baggage that they are recognizing they're carrying from their childhood and they're.
[00:06:42] Showing it to me and sharing it with me. And you know, it's hard to hold and I get to notice when I get defensive and want to dismiss their experience. But really what it is, is this beautiful opportunity to see how much I have grown from my early years of mothering to being the mother of two young adult kids and how I'm showing up for them right now.
[00:07:10] And just seeing the arc of personal growth and development. Through my own journey and really considering how I invite the parents, the clients that I work with into this personal growth as well. It's so big. It's so big. So settle in, whether you're walking or driving or folding laundry or cooking or maybe hiding in the bathroom.
[00:07:40] Let's start off by just taking a deep breath together, settling in to right here, right now. Or maybe you're somebody who settling in, happens with some movement. So I would invite you to kind of shake your body, maybe shake your arms and your legs wherever you are. Shake off the day. Shake off what is already shown up today, or what is waiting for you after you listen to this podcast.
[00:08:07] And let's settle in to the right here, right now and dig into some good work. All right, so we just wanna start off by talking about one of the hardest truths that we hold. That I hold about parenting, and it might also be the most liberating of truths, is realizing that we are not in control of our kiddos experience.
[00:08:37] Yeah. We are not in control of our kiddos experience. No matter how much we wanna be. We are not, we don't get to decide how they feel or control the meaning they're making of life and relationships. Or how they see themselves in the world. We don't get to control that, and it's really annoying. I know. I'm annoyed by that too.
[00:09:04] To witness their struggle and their pain, to witness their exploration of identity, to observe their choices and decisions. It's a lot. It's a lot to be there. As a watcher, and it makes a lot of sense that we wanna get involved, that we wanna intervene, and that we want to save them from theirselves, save them from any pain that we might see down the road as they live with.
[00:09:36] Learn to discover who they are. And on some level, our teens wanna hand us the wheel. Like yes, they've, I've been talking about this a lot with clients over the last few weeks and we dug into this in our membership call for our July workshop call, this idea of energetic responsibility. And is there things that our kids would like to hand over to us?
[00:10:03] Are there things our kids would like to hand over to us? Yeah. And is it useful for us to hold the energetic responsibility for them and their life? Well, today I am gonna say no. I did an episode about energetic responsibility, way back episode 3 72, and I've mentioned it here and there. I talk about it a lot with clients and people that I work with.
[00:10:29] I'm bringing this concept back for this podcast. There's so many common dynamics that show up with the parents that I serve, because parenting through adolescence is a collective experience, and it's something that happens out of consciousness, meaning we don't realize we're in the dynamics. When we're in the dynamics, right?
[00:10:52] For example, when we take responsibility for how or when or if schoolwork gets done or when we nag about chores or helping out or their screen time or. When we get hooked into their dirty looks and angst, right? So many of the clients that I work with, and even in my own experience, these are things that when we're not paying attention, it's really easy to fall into these dynamics we hold on, and in our holding on, we make their behavior our problem, not their problem.
[00:11:36] And I realize that there are arguments to be made about why our teens and tweens behavior is our problem. Right? We have to deal with it. We have to live with it. We have to take it. I get it. I understand that their behavior definitely influences the experience that we're having. Yes. But as long as we are holding the responsibility for their follow through in life.
[00:12:06] We're keeping them from learning and growing the skills they need to eventually be content and contribute and be cooperative human beings, right? So this energetic responsibility, I literally think about it as like this ball, right? This energetic ball of responsibility. And as long as we're holding that ball of responsibility for their follow through in life.
[00:12:35] We're keeping them from feeling it right and they need to feel it to truly be able to influence their own life. As long as we're holding it, we're getting in the way. We get to hand that energetic responsibility that isn't ours to carry, which is the weight of fixing things for them, the management of their feelings, orchestrating their growth and opportunities.
[00:13:00] Like a perfect little project we get to hand back. The energetic responsibility that isn't ours to carry back to our kiddos. We don't get to control their experience, and if we think we are, I'm here to say that we're not. You're not helping them when you're fixing all their problems, you're not helping them when you're trying to manage all their feelings.
[00:13:26] There are things we do get to do that are helpful to this work of letting go and letting them grow. We get to see them. We get to acknowledge that responsibility. We get to do the work of peeling back the layers and really experience who they are and be with who they are and let them feel seen. We get to connect with them on a deeper level, and to me it's like cracking open, right?
[00:13:55] And I've got my hands at my chest and it's like pulling open my shirt like Superman, right? Superman pulling off his shirt. To expose his big S, his big superman symbol. Like for us, we get to expose our essence, our core, and imagine our kids doing the same thing, so that we can really connect core to core essence to essence, true self, to true self.
[00:14:24] And when we can set down our need to manage our kids and instead show up as curious and grounded. And open and real. Something really beautiful can shift in the dynamic that we're experiencing with them.
[00:14:50] And I'm guessing that many of you might be thinking, well, yeah, I'd love to do that, but my teen won't let me in. They won't talk to me. They don't seem to be able to stand me. I know they aren't all super stoked about your desire to be in relationship with them. They might have some walls up, and here's the thing to remember.
[00:15:12] Walls don't just appear out of nowhere. The distance, the eye rolls, the resistance, the walls that are built brick by brick, through exchanges, through experiences, through evidence that our kids collect over time. Right. All of those things exist and are built over time in their relationship, in their dynamic with you, they're collecting evidence and some of it that they maybe have experienced could be messages and energetic, spoken, unspoken, and perhaps your kiddo has interpreted some of those messages as well.
[00:15:55] You don't really like who I am. So I need to distance myself from you 'cause that's really painful. Or you just wanna control me. You don't trust me and I'm gonna pull away 'cause that feels really painful. Or you're, I'm never gonna be good enough for you. So I'm not gonna respond when you reach out to connect because it, it doesn't feel good to feel like I'm not enough.
[00:16:23] Or maybe they're feeling like, you know what? You don't hear me. You don't get it. You don't understand, and that's painful, and I'm gonna protect myself by building this wall between us. It makes sense that they build walls. They've been experiencing us and our parenting for years. They know our looks, they know our tone.
[00:16:44] They know what we're saying, what we're not saying with our words, our language, our energy, our bodies, our facial expressions. Right? And I know I've talked about this be before, but it's so important that I'm just gonna keep talking about it. Right? That's why you come back. Our teens are tweens. They're great perceivers, and they are unskilled interpreters, and they're not unskilled because they're bad or slow.
[00:17:12] They're unskilled because they're young. Those unskilled interpretations, what starts to happen and can carry it on into adulthood, those unskilled interpretations start to become truths and beliefs to them, right? Not because they're bad, not because they're broken, but because they're human and it's what we do, right?
[00:17:35] And from the get they've needed to pay attention to us to survive, to learn us. To stay safe and to get their needs met. But over time, their quest for survival and safety perhaps has resulted in walls and distance. So in the beginning it's that, you know, survival. Like, I need to be fed, I need to be held.
[00:18:01] I need to be changed. Right? So they cry. As they move into adolescence, I need to feel safe. I need to feel belonging. I need to feel valued. I need to feel myself. Right. And if they can't, you know, if they, if you in how you're showing up, if they're interpreting that you are. You know, challenging that sense of self and safety and value, you know, then they're gonna pull away, right?
[00:18:38] They're gonna pull away. They're gonna keep you from getting close enough to hurt them. They're developing armor to support themselves. Being with what feels like criticism or rejection from you. And you know what? We build walls too. We armor up when we feel hurt or disrespected or rejected. We protect ourselves from the pain of watching our kids struggle.
[00:19:03] And sometimes we, in our quest to guide and love them are the ones who hurt them the most. Mm. That's hard to hear. I know. And it's not because we're bad parents. But because we're human too, and we have our own fears and stories that get in the way, we forget what a teacher life is and that our role is to cheer them on, to hand them water from the sidelines when they ask for it.
[00:19:32] We forget to trust the process, to trust the power of encouragement and having people who truly believe in you and see beyond the mischief of right now. Right. I've had a few conversations lately with parents whose kids are really in deep around questioning identity, whether it's gender or sexual or religious or whatever.
[00:20:00] They're really questioning it and it's scary for parents to witness and we get caught up in, right now is forever and when, and we, and we push back 'cause we're scared. Right. And I want to just remind you that ultimately in our kids, Indi, we want our kids to individuate. We want our kids to try things on for the sake of trying things on and figuring out who they are.
[00:20:27] We don't want kids to try things on and double down because they wanna prove to us that they, you know who they are. We wanna take that out of the equation because then they're not making decisions for themselves. They're making decisions in reaction to their interpretation of us. And that's not useful, right?
[00:20:48] So how do we get to the point of handing over that energetic responsibility? How do we start breaking down those walls to expose what's real to each other, to to be, to nurture a sense of safety and connection? Well, one of the most powerful practices that we can do is to pause and see the world through our teens eyes.
[00:21:12] Truly doing the work of considering all the nuance of the experiences that they're having, and again, the meaning that they're making of that experience, right? We get to be better at not dismissing them, at not dismissing what they're going through, because what they're going through is real. It's real to them.
[00:21:34] It matters to them. They're feeling deep things. They're feeling real worries, and they're anticipating life that's ahead of them. And it's a lot. It's a lot right now. It's a lot for the adults in the room, the climate of our country here in the United States of our world, the literal climate. Like of the planet, but watching the adults not be able to figure things out is not encouraging to our adolescents and our young adults.
[00:22:12] It's discouraging. They're feeling things. They're having real worries. They're anticipating life ahead. The last thing they need or want from you to tell them is to get over it, that it isn't that big of a deal or that they're doing something wrong. See through their lens. Do you remember being their age?
[00:22:33] Do you remember that? They may be unskilled meaning makers, but they are 100% experiencing life unfolding and keeping in mind they're Rolodex. Of life experience to draw from is small. They don't have decades of perspective to flip through. So the meaning they make, it can be a little distorted and it can be painful for them to sit with.
[00:23:04] Right. And that's where we come in. Not to tell them that their meaning making is wrong, but to help them feel seen and safe enough to explore it with us. We get to say things like, you know, I am not in your shoes, so I can't know how you feel, but I remember being 15 and I remember feeling X, Y, Z, or Your experience really matters to me and I wanna be someone who you feel like listens to you and sees you and you know, what are your ideas about how I can be better at that?
[00:23:43] Or you could offer the reflection around, you know, things have been really hard between us for a long time, and I wanna do my part changing this dynamic. What can I do better to earn your trust? Right? So often parents come to me wondering, how can I do this? And I invite them to go to their kid to go to their teen.
[00:24:11] And to problem solve with their teen. And keep in mind, you might have a teenager with really thick armor. Maybe they've heard you say things that are discouraging to them for a long time. Or maybe they've heard you say, Hey, I wanna be better for a long time. But your actions continue to tell the story of disappointment or judgment.
[00:24:38] Right. They're gonna need to see evidence in the form of action to believe that you want things to be different with them, right? To be willing to begin to dismantle the wall or the armor. They need to truly believe it's safe to do that, that you mean what you say, and you know when the most important time for action is.
[00:25:01] When things are hard, when you are activated, when your child seems unreachable, this is when the most important time for action is. And a few weeks ago I shared a tool to use to support yourself in being better and following through. It's the MAP tool. Do you remember map? Map means mirror align and practice.
[00:25:26] So mirror, hold up the mirror. What do you see? What way of being is alive for you in the moment? So in those tough moments when you look inward, okay, what's going on for me? What's happening for me? Right? Where am I at in this moment? Then you get to do the second step, which is a line lean into self-awareness.
[00:25:45] Recognize, okay, I'm in that pattern. I'm in that place of doing what I said I was gonna stop doing, or that I was gonna try to do differently. And when you peel back the layers of fear and frustration, and you drill down to find your own essence, what's there? Who do you wanna be? Who did you say you would be?
[00:26:04] Shift into that. Awaken, animate your values and your body. Keep who your child needs you to be top of mind. That's where we align, that's what we wanna align into.
[00:26:28] And I'll tell you across the board what every teen needs from their parent. Is acceptance. So if you're not sure what your teen needs, I promise you, they need you to accept who they are today, which is different than accepting, you know, risky decision making. Um. But it is, it's big and it's profound, right?
[00:26:54] So we align with who our child needs us to be, who we want to be for them. And then p, we practice, we get to practice over and over again, coming back to that alignment when it's messy, we get to practice in the quiet moments when the stakes are low, and we get to create high repetitions in the quiet moments so that when we're in the heat of the moment and we said we were gonna do more listening and less judging.
[00:27:19] We get to recognize, oh my gosh, here I am. Oh my gosh, I can't believe they're doing this or saying this or dress like this, or whatever. Okay, mirror, this is where I'm at. I'm in that place where I wanna judge. I'm gonna align back into, I wanna be neutral, I wanna be accepting, and I'm gonna practice action.
[00:27:38] And I, I said I would do more listening and less judging. So that's what I'm gonna do right now. And you can speak it. Okay. I'm noticing myself getting activated. I told you I was gonna do more listening and less judging. So this is me practicing, right? This is me practicing, and this is where real growth happens in the willingness to break down your own armor in the willingness to break down your own walls.
[00:28:08] Our willingness to be different is an invitation for our kids, our teens. To do the same thing. Over time, we show up differently for them and over time they will begin to step into relationship with us. There is a higher likelihood that they will be willing to lean into relationship with us when we show them something different over and over and over again.
[00:28:34] 'cause what we're doing is we're showing them that we mean what we say. We're following through with action map, mirror align practice. So yeah, this is real work and a lot of it is on you. Most of it's on you, meaning you've got some shit to work out so that you're showing up for your kiddo in a way that leaves them feeling seen, accepted, and believed in, and also safe to really open up to you.
[00:29:06] And what does it look like to choose connection over control, to hand that energetic responsibility over to our teens so that they can feel it and figure out how to navigate it? Well, I've got a couple positive discipline tools and principles that support you. One is curiosity questions. You know, I love curiosity instead of lecturing them or solving the problem that they're.
[00:29:28] Speaking into, or that you're witnessing for them, ask open-ended questions. So tell me what happened. How are you feeling about it? What do you think you might try next time? Really leaving your, leaving your agenda at the door, which I know is easier said than done. Remember, if you have an agenda or answers that you're looking for with these questions, they will sniff that out and either tell you what you wanna hear.
[00:29:53] Which isn't useful. I mean, it's kind of nice 'cause you're hearing what you wanna hear, but it's not real or they shut down. So you get to be curious. And when they say, why are you asking me so many questions? You get to be honest and say, you know, I'm really curious about your experience and I am really working to see through your lens.
[00:30:17] I wanna be more supportive and less judgmental, and I'm also learning that it's more useful for teens when their parents ask more questions than give more lectures. This also keeps you from picking up the energetic responsibility. It keeps it with your teen asking questions, sends a message that you believe that they have the answers or that and or that they are capable of figuring it out and finding the answers.
[00:30:52] The other positive discipline tool that's useful here is validating their experience. Even when you disagree with their perspective, reflect back what you hear. It sounds like you felt really left out. That is so hard. That sucks. Or I can hear how frustrated you are. I had the chance to do this just last week, or just this last weekend with my son who's taking summer classes and it's, you know, calculus online in summer, in an accelerated learning space.
[00:31:29] Is brutal. He didn't know what he was signing up for. And it, you know, it's been a rollercoaster of emotion for him and I really, he reached out to me when I was in Dallas and he was in deep frustration and I really gotta flex into validating his experience without saying, you signed up for this dude. I really had to start with.
[00:31:55] This sucks. This is really hard and I've had to coach my husband around this as well. There's been some car maintenance that they've been doing on Ian's car and some things haven't been working and I can feel Ian really being very upset about it and my husband getting really defensive 'cause he's spending a lot of time on it.
[00:32:14] And I had to remind both of them really like you get to validate each other first. I told my husband, it's more important for him 'cause he's the adult. Adult, Ian's the baby adult. But people are so much more willing to be in a shared space with us and listen and communicate when they feel like the other person is saying, yeah, your experience is real.
[00:32:39] And it sounds really hard validating. And it's not a trick or a bridge to get anywhere else. It's a tool for helping your team feel less alone. Like you care about them. Like you're listening to them. Sometimes this is all they need, right? And then they can move on. It's also a great, another great way to keep yourself from picking up that energetic responsibility.
[00:33:03] You aren't there to fix, you're there to listen. And the other thing, you know, the other tool is decide what you wanna model. Remember, they're always watching. They're always watching. We are showing them. Hopefully most of the time, healthy life skills, right? We're showing them in action what it looks like to be a human in the world, a healthy, whole human in the world.
[00:33:31] So you get to ask yourself, what do I want them to learn from me in this moment, right? What do I want to show them in this hot, maybe activated moment? What can I model? If you want them to learn respect and patience and courage and self-regulation, self-control, empathy, compassion, you've gotta practice it yourself.
[00:33:56] And again, it's gonna have the most mileage when you practice in the hard moments, when you choose those hard moments to map it out, right? Mirror, align, practice, take the action in those hard moments to show up and to really show them. What it looks like to be a healthy, whole human in conflict, in fear, in activation, right.
[00:34:23] Some other tools that are useful are things like family meetings, creating a space where everyone gets to share, be heard, solve problems together. Another good tool is self-regulation. When you feel yourself getting reactive, pause, get off of that emotional freight train. Take three breaths if that's what you, is useful to you to stay grounded.
[00:34:45] I could tell when I was talking to Ian about. Math a couple days ago. I said, you know, we finally just got to that place where I said, you know, I think something that might be really useful to you right now is to close your computer and go on a run and just let these, this emotional experience that you're having, that you're kind of trapped inside of work through it with movement.
[00:35:09] Right. And at the start of this podcast, I even had you kind of shake it out, right? So there's more ways than one to self-regulate and you know yourself. So these practices help us dismantle the walls, dismantle the armor, brick by brick. They show our kids, they speak to our kids. You matter to me. You belong here.
[00:35:34] You are significant. I see you and I love you. I see you and I love you. Oh, you guys, parenting. It's so humbling, isn't it? It shows us all the parts of ourselves that we'd maybe rather not see. I know for me that's true, but it also offers this daily invitation to come back to ourselves to choose who we want to be.
[00:36:04] Right to rise into who we want to be, even when it's messy, and to model what it means to repair, to reconnect, to love fiercely without being in control. Right? When your child is building walls, when they feel far away, remember they are protecting themselves and you can help them feel safe enough to take those walls down.
[00:36:32] But it starts with you. You've gotta put your armor down. You get to hold up that mirror. You get to remember what it is that you wanna align with, and you get to practice because when you meet your child, your teenager, in your full essence meets their full essence. Instead of them being a project to fix.
[00:36:56] But you know, instead of that being really, they're a human for you to love. You can change everything. You can change everything over time.
[00:37:10] Thank you so much for spending this time with me today. I just am so deeply appreciative of you and if you're interested in diving deeper in into any of this. Check out the positive discipline resources on my website. Be spr audible.com/teens. Consider joining one of the programs that I have. Reach out for coaching or reach out just to explore, like what might it look like for us to work together.
[00:37:38] You can go to be spr.com/explore to find out more and to book a time with me. You are not alone on this path. You're not. I believe in you. I believe in you. And I love you. Until next time, keep practicing, keep holding up that mirror, keep coming back to love, and I'll see you soon.
[00:38:07] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my SPR partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps.
[00:38:31] Other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.